I spent many years (most of my adult life)  without knowing or living my life passion. But over the last few years, I’ve found it and I’m living it.

I can say without a doubt that finding and living your life passion makes a huge positive difference in your quality of life. I’m sure if you survey other people who are living their life passions, you will hear the same thing.

• I wake up excited about what the day will bring.

• I love the work I’m doing.

• I have a sense of purpose.

• I feel engaged with interesting, like-minded people.

• The day flies by as I lose track of time — I’m in the “flow.”

• I don’t sweat the small stuff because I’m so wrapped up in my passion.

• I am happier and more energetic in general.

Prior to finding my passion, my life wasn’t bad. In fact, by all standards it was quite good. In addition to having a wonderful family and children, I had built a nice career as a public relations consultant.

But something was wrong.

You’ve probably had this feeling yourself at some time. You know something is missing. You can’t put your finger on it, but there’s an emptiness or a sense of life not being complete or as good as it should be.

I felt guilty about this because it seemed as though I wasn’t grateful for all of the good things in my life. It finally took doing some self-exploration, research, and trial and error to learn that I was not living my passion, my inner calling. And the subconscious desire to live that calling was causing my internal disequilibrium.

Once I found it (coaching, writing, helping others improve their lives), it felt like my life had finally shifted into the perfect groove.

In my specific situation, I’ve been able to live my passion through my work. I dropped my public relations business like a hot potato, went back to school to train as a personal and career coach, and started a blog business. I now work full-time as a coach and blogger.

I was in the fortunate position of being able to stop working, go back to school, and start a new business from scratch. I wasn’t the primary financial supporter of our family, and my kids were old enough that I had the time to do this.

When You Can’t Quit

However, I recognize that many people can’t quit their jobs to start over with their passion. Or there may be other life constraints that prevent them from pursuing a career in their life passion.

I also recognize that the feeling of being trapped in a bad, mediocre, or uninspiring job can shroud you in hopelessness. It can certainly undermine any desire to find your life passion.

Why find it when you can’t do anything about it?

After considering the difficulties and potential repercussions of starting over in a career that you love, most people resign themselves to the status quo. There’s just too much at stake or too many roadblocks.

Before you give up on finding and living your life passion, I’d like to present you with two avenues of hope.

First, many of the perceived impediments to starting over or creating a career in your life passion are just that — perceived. Often we fear things that never come to pass if we begin taking the steps.

• Perhaps you can live with less money.

• Perhaps your spouse will be supportive.

• Perhaps your boss will allow you some flexibility.

• Perhaps you do have the time to take some courses or training.

• Perhaps there is a way to make a living from your passion.

• Perhaps you and your family will thrive rather than struggle through the process.

I am a firm believer that you should be passionate about your work. It takes up the vast majority of your time, so why spend so much time doing something that doesn’t fulfill you?

Personally, I would sacrifice many, many things in order to do work I love.

But this article isn’t about how to transition from your current career to a career you love. (If this interests you, I strongly recommend you read The 4-Hour Workweek: Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, and Join the New Rich, Escape From Cubicle Nation: From Corporate Prisoner to Thriving Entrepreneur, and Career Renegade: How to Make a Great Living Doing What You Love.)

This article is about living your passion without giving up your day job. And here’s the second avenue of hope.

There are points in our lives where it is impossible or simply not practical to start over, give up your security, or take time off to learn a new skill or go back to school.

Maybe you have commitments you need to honor — to send your kids to college, or take care of an elderly parent, or pay off your mortgage.

Only you can decide when and why to sacrifice passion in your career for the practicalities in life. But (and here’s the good news), that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice passion altogether.

The Power of Passion

Please pay attention to this next statement.

If you can’t live your passion through your work, then you absolutely must find a way to pursue your passion on the side.

The restorative and emotionally fulfilling benefits of living your passion in some form will compensate for a less-than-satisfying job. In fact, sometimes it can lead to a career in a way you never expected.

Khaled Hosseini, the author of the bestselling and internationally-acclaimed novels, The Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns, began his career practicing internal medicine. However, his passion was to be a writer and to tell the story of life in Afghanistan prior to the Soviet invasion.

He began writing while he was working diligently at another very demanding profession. But his intense passion for writing resulted in a novel that sold 4 million copies and generated a feature film. The success of his first novel has allowed him to write full-time, although that was not his intent when he began writing.

But even if your passion doesn’t lead you to a new career, it can lead you to a more fulfilling and interesting life. It can bring a balance and richness to life that transcends the monotony of the “daily grind.”

So how can you integrate passion into your life? Here are a few things to try:

Discover

If you aren’t sure what your passion is, use some of your down time to do the self-exploration to find it. Just doing this work is exciting on its own. As a result of my own search and over 20 years of helping others with their passions through my PR and coaching work , I created a self-study course called Discover Your Passion to help people go through this important process. You can’t live your passion until you know what it is.

Experiment

Finding and living your passion isn’t a linear process. Sometimes you have to test and try various things before you find what really makes your heart sing. Before I started coaching and blogging, I opened a small antique business, and I volunteered in non-profit organizations for the arts.

It’s OK to try different things and reject them if they aren’t the best fit. In fact, it’s good to do that. Sometimes it takes experience in something to learn how profoundly it inspires you.

Collaborate

Find a group of like-minded people who enjoy the same passion that you do. Having a community to support and share your interests adds another wonderful dimension to your passion. You can go online and find support groups and organizations for just about any hobby, interest, or pursuit.

Integrate

Explore the possibility of integrating your passion into your current job or career. Maybe you can’t be a full-time writer, but perhaps you can do more creative writing on the job. Maybe you can’t go back and become a teacher, but perhaps you can train others in your place of employment.

With a little creativity (and maybe some negotiation with your employer), you can find a way to make your job match up with your passion. Here’s a great article on how to find passion in the job you are in right now.

Activate

Don’t allow feelings of boredom, inertia, hopeless, or despair prevent you from taking action. OK, so maybe you can’t start your own business today, but you can go out and explore your passions in other parts of your life through various networks, clubs, and organizations with people who share a common interest.

Take some kind of action toward finding your passion and integrating it into your life. You will create momentum by taking that first step, and then you’ll become intrigued and determined to live your life with some degree of passion.

Infuse

While you’re at it, try to live your passion in a way that infuses your life with a sense of purpose rather than just entertainment or recreation. When you have a sense that your passion has meaning and impacts others in a positive way, it will energize and fulfill you more than you could ever expect.

Your main purpose in life is to live authentically — to fully become the person you were meant to be. When you know and understand that, it can provide the foundation for your actions and choices around your passion activities.

If you aren’t in a position to start over with your career or transition to something more fulfilling, then don’t resign yourself to a life of “quiet desperation.” Your life passion is inside of you, begging to be released. It doesn’t care where or how you release it — it just longs for freedom and expression.

Open your heart and mind to all of the brilliant possibilities for living a life infused with passion — whether through your work, an avocation, or simply a lifestyle change.  Even incorporating a small amount of your passion into your day will increase your overall happiness and quality of life.

I have bristles.

You probably have them too.

They come out when someone says something to me that is critical or that I interpret as a criticism.

When they are activated, these bristles set off a chain of internal feelings, thoughts, and physical symptoms. It’s amazing how one comment can’t set this complicated system in motion.

All at once, you might feel hurt, anger, embarrassment, shame, or indignant.

Mentally, you quickly assimilate all of the necessary elements for your defense, your contrary evidence, and possibly a counter-offensive.You might calculate ways to deflect blame or turn the tables.

Physically, you feel tensed up, short of breath, on high alert, or sometimes totally deflated and teary.

All of this happens in a matter of seconds. The words are barely out of the person’s mouth before the bristles are up and the reactions are activated.

If the criticizer is someone close to you, someone with whom you have history, who knows your strengths and weakness, and who has a finger on your hot buttons, then this bristle activation system is super-charged. An avalanche of past feelings and old hurts crashes down on you.

Words have power.

And whether or not the criticizer knows what they are doing, criticism (even if it is well-intended or constructive) rarely brings out our best qualities.

More often than not, our internal response to criticism results in external behavior that is less than stellar. We have the common knee-jerk reactions to deny, defend, deflect, and attack back.

Or if the criticism is proffered by someone in authority, where it would harm us further to have those knee-jerk reactions, then we attempt to shove it down. In addition to feeling hurt and anger, we feel bad about ourselves. Our self-confidence takes a hit because we can’t even properly defend ourselves or let this person know what a jerk they are.

As with every other negative experience, criticism provides an opportunity for learning, renewal, and personal evolution — if we choose to walk that path.

We can view criticism as a random bomb that has exploded in our wake, or we can transform it for our betterment.

Yes, we will always feel the sting of criticism in the immediacy of the moment. But knowing that criticisms are inevitable in life, you can plan ahead and develop some coping skills for the moment and a strategy for later when the bristles have receded.

Here is a simple plan for dealing with criticism:

1. Immediate Reaction

When it happens, and the bristle system is activated, do everything in your power to prevent yourself from saying something defensive, ugly, or reactive. Take a deep breath, and count to twenty to allow the first flood of feelings to pass.

If a response is absolutely called for, then say something like, “Wow, I need to think about that for a few minutes.”  If you are so overwhelmed with anger or hurt, then excuse yourself from the person’s presence — not by stomping away, but by saying something like, “Your comment has caused a flood of emotions. I need to step away to process them for a few minutes.”

The goal is to avoid saying or doing anything in the moment that you will regret later or that will compromise your dignity or integrity. This takes some practice and skill, but it is well worth the effort.

2. Consider the Source

When enough time has passed, and your emotions have calmed down, think about the person who criticized you. Do you value this person’s opinion? Was the criticism presented kindly and constructively? Was there any manipulation or meanness behind the comment? Was the person under pressure or stress? Was it the result of an argument or disagreement?

Come to some rational conclusions about this person, how much you respect them, and the context in which the comment was made. This will shed some light on the real power and legitimacy of the source so that you can fairly decide whether to dismiss it altogether or give it further th0ught and consideration.

3. Look for Truth

This is the hard part, because it involves taking an honest look at yourself. But this can also be the greatest opportunity for growth if you are willing to be real with yourself. Ask yourself, “Is there any truth to this criticism?” Is this a criticism that you have heard before? Did it sting because you feel there is truth behind it?

If you have a few close friends or family members whom you trust, ask them whether or not they see truth in the criticism. It hurts to hear validation that the criticism has merit, but it also opens your eyes to a need for growth and change.

If the criticism is related to your work or something you are creating, it is still wise to ask for a second or third opinion to provide additional perspective.

Most often, criticisms are only partly true. They are generally skewed by the criticizer’s own emotions and perceptions. But addressing the issue is still necessary in order to preserve or nurture the relationship (if that’s worthwhile).

4. What Have You Learned?

After you have spent some time thinking about the criticizer and the possible truth or the amount of truth behind the criticism, it’s time to find the take-away.

If there is truth to the criticism, how do you want to change? What can you do to change? Knowing that there is truth, you may need to offer an apology. You may need to show a genuine effort to change.

If the criticism is related to work or a creative effort, you may need to re-group and formulate a better plan or a different idea. Maybe you need more research, better information, or simply to apply yourself more.

Whatever large or small piece of truth there is to the criticism, how can you apply it to your life to learn, evolve, become better at something? How can this criticism actually serve your greater good?

5. Circle Back

A criticism isn’t just about the behavior or work being criticized. It is about relationships as well. This is another huge opportunity for personal evolution. Who do you want to be in this situation?

If the criticizer is a trusted person whose opinion you respect and who offered the criticism constructively and with love, then go back to them with heartfelt appreciation. Share with them how you have learned and grown from their comment. If an apology is necessary, offer it. It will be restorative and positive for both of you.

If the criticizer had less than honorable motives, but the criticism held some truth, go back anyway and offer your thanks. Be the person you want to be in the situation, regardless of the criticizer’s motives or behavior. In light of your mature reaction, they may offer you an apology or healing words.

If the criticism was mean-spirited and untrue, you have a choice. If the relationship is important to you, then it will be your turn to offer a criticism. But present it gently and kindly, the way you would want to hear one. “What you said to me was hurtful and unkind. I reflected on it to see if there was truth to your words, but I found none. You need to know the impact your words have had on me.”

Or you can simply walk away and let it go. Sometimes this is the best option if you aren’t trying to preserve a relationship. Don’t give more negative energy or power to the situation by addressing it. The person might verbally attack again, only causing you further pain. It’s hard to walk away, but it is a choice from personal power, not weakness.

You won’t go through life without being criticized. It is inevitable. But knowing that, you can prepare yourself for your reactions. And you can step back, assess the criticism, and take a higher path for learning and personal evolution. It’s worth a try.

If you enjoyed this post, please share it with your friends.

Resource info: new lower price on The Bold Living Guides.

The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.  ~St. Augustine

Just about everyone lists travel as one of their passions in life.

We’re enamored with the idea of travel — getting away, doing something fun and adventurous, seeing cool things, and meeting different people. It all sounds so exciting.

But when it comes to actually planning a real trip (something more than visiting Grandma or going to the beach for a week), it’s too easy to find a reason not to go, not to make it happen.

Our lives are so damned busy and complicated. Between our jobs, kids, pets, commitments, and responsibilities, taking time out for a trip (or even doing everything that must be done to prepare for one) is enough to make you hyperventilate with anxiety.

It feels like too much work to get a trip off the ground and yourself out the door. I think that’s why many of us spend so much time dreaming about traveling rather than actually doing it.

But traveling is one of the most life-affirming things you can do for yourself. Aside from the obvious fun involved, traveling can transform you on so many levels. It provides happiness and satisfaction long after the trip is over.

Why Travel?

Through travel, you will . . .

• become a more interesting, engaging, and educated person;

• have an appreciation for and perspective on different cultures and lifestyles;

• challenge yourself to step out of your comfort zone, providing a sense of accomplishment;

• share experiences with people you care about;

• meet new, interesting people;

• take a break from the everyday stresses and demands of life by stepping into something entirely new and different.

There is much research and evidence that experiences trump material possessions when it comes to sustained feelings of happiness and positive memories. Travel is one of those peak experiences that you can revisit in your mind for a lifetime.

I’m at the stage where I want to create my life around a few very important passions, travel being one of them. It is a priority for me. After many years of travel deprivation, I’m determined to experience the world and all of the wonders that are out there for exploring.

When my children were little, we used them as an excuse not to travel much farther than the coast. It was too expensive, too hard on them, too much trouble. In retrospect, I think we were just to tired to take action.

Don’t get me wrong, traveling with kids (and making all of the necessary arrangements to take them along) can be a pain in the butt. I’ve dragged enough Pack-n-Plays and sand toys to the beach to know how much work can be involved.

And that’s the wonderful thing about family travel:  it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.  ~Dave Barry

But if you know your kids, what they can tolerate or even enjoy, and you plan accordingly, you can find wonderful trips that work well for all of you — not just the compulsory trips to visit family or the fallback beach vacation.

And if your kids are older or you don’t have children, then you’re ahead of the game with the ability to travel fairly easily.

With or without children, if you decide to make travel a priority in your life, then you’ll find a way to make it happen.

Here are a few ideas for getting started:

Make the Decision

Is travel a priority passion for you?

Is it important enough to you to give up some other important events or possessions in order to make it happen?

It’s hard to answer that without knowing exactly what you will have to give up, reschedule, or sacrifice to make it happen. But if your answer is generally, “yes, travel is a priority for me,” then you need to put in some pre-planning time to get the ball rolling.

Yearly Travel Planning

The best way to ensure you plan travel into your life is to plan out your year of travel in advance. You don’t necessarily have to stick to the exact plan you create initially, but this pre-planning will provide a framework for launching your plans.

Sit down with your spouse or other travel companion (or alone if that’s how you travel) for a travel planning meeting. You will likely need a few of these meetings, but the first one will set the stage for your year of travel.

Step 1: Plotting travel time

Discuss how much vacation/travel time you have between you. Look at national holidays, school breaks, and how many possible long weekends (in addition to full weeks) you might have.

Pull out your calendar for the year, and mark the pre-determined holidays, breaks, etc. with a yellow highlighter.

Step 2: Week-Long Trips

Discuss the big week long vacations first. Look at your calendar where you have marked the pre-determined holidays/long weekends. Fill in your weekly vacations several weeks or months apart from the shorter trips to space things out.

For example, you might not want to plan a summer vacation within a couple of weeks of Memorial Day weekend.

If you only have a one or two weeks of vacation a year, in addition to time off at Christmas, then consider taking a trip during the holiday season. A holiday trip (rather than spending money on gifts, a tree, etc.) could be an amazing way to create memories for you and your family.

Plot the weeks on your calendar for potential week-long trips. So far, you don’t have anything planned yet. You are just plotting out weekends and weeks for travel.

Look at other important calendars for events that might interfere with your travel (school events, work-related trips, etc.). This may require a bit of research or a few phone calls. Determine whether or not you need to adjust your travel weeks.

Step 3: Budgeting

Plan in advance for how much money you are going to budget for travel. If money is tight, look at what you have currently available for travel, and then start brainstorming ways you can save or earn more.

Think about these questions:

• How much can I set aside a month to put in a travel fund?

• How can I cut back  in order to build my travel budget (ie: dinners out, impulse purchases, etc.)?

• What could I sell on eBay or Craigslist or in a garage sale to bring in some extra cash?

• How could I earn some extra cash to apply to the travel budget (ie: a special project, a part-time job, extra hours, etc.)?

Take a look at Chris Guillebeau’s travel hacking products for ideas on saving money on airfares.

Write down your answers to these questions and create a realistic picture of how much money you will have available per quarter to allot for travel. Write that amount down for each quarter.

If money isn’t a big issue, then determine how much you want to spend on travel for the year, and write that number down.

Step 4: Brainstorming locations

Start discussing places you want to consider for your travel weeks and weekends. Begin with the week-long trips first. Write down every possible place you are considering. If there are two or more involved in planning, each  person should make a list.

From that list, divide the destinations by season. If it doesn’t matter the season, make a separate column for those destinations. Compare your lists to see where you have listed the same destinations.

Determine 3-4 options for your first week-long trip. Each person should be assigned one or more of these options for research.

Step 5: Research

Once you’ve determined possible travel options for your first trip, begin researching the destination. Look at the costs to travel there, the possible accommodations, a possible itinerary, and the highlights of the trip that you want to include.

Read Trip Advisor reviews to get an idea of the best places to stay and things to do. Get a  Rick Steves’ Best of  book to help you. (Rick Steves “advocates smart, affordable, perspective-broadening travel.”) Or consider getting a travel agent to work with you to find the best deals.

Have another travel meeting with your spouse or traveling buddy to compare notes and make a decision about where you want to go for this first trip.

Step 6: Rinse and Repeat

Repeat Step 5 for any other week long (or longer) trips you put on your calendar. Even if the trip is planned for 6 or more months down the road, go ahead and do the research and budget planning. This will give you time to save or earn extra funds if necessary.

Step 7: Weekend Destinations

Now take a look at the possible long weekend dates you have slated for travel. These shorter trips can be planned closer to the weekend date, but you still might want to think ahead about possible places to go.

Brainstorm a list of ideas as you did in Step 4, compare notes, and pencil in a few options for each particular weekend.

You might do this planning quarterly, starting your planning for one quarter in the last month of the previous quarter.

This planning also helps if an unexpected free weekend pops up. You’ll have your list of fun options available to choose from.

Step 8: Travel Checklist

Create a travel checklist so you know what needs to be done and when before you leave town. This might include:

• stopping mail/newspaper

• getting necessary medications and/or shots

• updating your passport

• arranging a pet and/or home sitter

• paying bills in advance if necessary

• knowing how you will get to and from the airport if necessary

• having a general packing list

Step 9: Book the trip

Book the trip! You’ve got to pull the trigger. All of your planning doesn’t make the trip happen. Purchase the airline ticket, book the hotel, get the time off of work, notify people who need to know. The trip won’t be real until you spend the money and tell people.

Step 10: Stretch the memories

Take a journal and a camera with you. Even if you just jot down a few notes at the end of each day about what you’ve done, it will chronicle the memories and help you relive the experience months and years later.

After a family trip to Europe, we created a wonderful photo memory book through Shutterfly. You might read a bit about creating great travel photos. If you travel a lot, you might end up with a bookshelf of wonderful travel books!

Resources

Here are some additional resources that might be helpful for you:

• Article on how to ask for more vacation time

• Traveler’s Tool Kit: How to Travel Absolutely Anywhere!

• Travel with Kids: The Definitive Guide to Family Holidays Worldwide

• National Geographic Guide to Great Weekend Getaways

• Frommer’s Europe From $70 a Day 2001: The Ultimate Guide to Comfortable Low-Cost Travel (Frommer’s $ A Day) (There are a variety of Frommer’s low-cost travel guides)

• Packing light article

• 1,000 Places to See Before You Die

• 1,000 Places to See in the United States and Canada Before You Die

• Wrinkle-free little black dress for travel

• Budget travel blogs

If you have any tips about how you plan your travels and make them happen, please share them in the comments below.

This is not a post about substance abuse.

This is a post about the little things you do every day that pull you away from what you really want for yourself.

It is about addiction to habits and behaviors that suck time away from us without adding much back to our lives or our souls. And often we hide our eyes from these addictions.

Granted, addiction is a strong word. It’s a word that suggests a loss of control, a dependence on something that has become powerful enough to separate you from your true self, your highest self.

The dictionary.com definition of the word reads as follows:

ad·dic·tion

noun

the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

What struck me about this definition was the idea of being enslaved to a habit or practice. Enslaved. This usually suggests that someone is doing the enslaving against your will.

But with addictions, you are enslaving yourself. (And of course, with substance abuse, the substance eventually enslaves you. But it always begins with you.)

Sometimes we can become enslaved by lesser things, things that don’t appear so harmful on the surface but that undermine our desire to be fully engaged in life. You might call them habits, thoughts, or choices — but when you won’t stop, when you think you can’t stop –  you are enslaved.

Why would we want to enslave ourselves to anything, even a habit or behavior? Why would we want to give away our freedom and personal power to something that lulls or entices us into mindless repetition?

Most of the addictions I’m talking about here seem harmless enough. And the cessation of these addictions likely wouldn’t cause “severe trauma.” Quite the contrary in fact. The cessation or reduction of these habits might lead to profound happiness or fulfillment.

Addictive Thoughts and Behaviors

Here are some of the addictions I’m talking about (most of which I have had or still have myself):

• mindlessly watching television

• checking email every few minutes

• mindlessly surfing the net

• filling time with errands and tasks

• writing to-do lists

• reading the newspaper or online news every morning

• sleeping late

• staying up too late

• talking on the phone

• texting

• rushing, having too much to do (adrenaline addiction)

• driving too fast

• eating too fast

• shopping

• looking at magazines or catalogs

• over-reading about an idea or goal

• over-thinking about a decision

• fretting and worrying

• negative thinking about yourself or others

• getting ready in the morning (hair, make-up, etc.)

• micro-managing someone (especially your kids or spouse)

• gossiping

• hanging out with draining or negative people

• sitting in or conducting meetings

• being sedentary

• over-exercising

• asking for the opinions of others

• complaining or whining

• focusing on the future

• focusing on the past

I’m sure you could add to this list. Maybe you or someone you know has their own particular addictions which suck time, energy, creativity, and positive action.

Few of these actions or behaviors are inherently bad or harmful. Some of them are necessary, fun, or useful in small doses. But the problem arises when these things become habitual — mindlessly habitual. Or habitual with your awareness, but you do it anyway.

If I could count the number of hours I’ve spent in front of the tv, fretting and worrying about stupid stuff (that I can’t even remember now), checking my email, gossiping, trying to get my hair to look good, etc. etc. — I would melt into a puddle of tears over the wasted and lost time.

This is time you can’t get back. And as morbid as it sounds, we really don’t have all that much time. There is an end to it. That’s why these addictions are so insidiously harmful. They cloud your thinking, numb you to real living, and steal away your precious time.

Good friends, we can’t let this happen!

We must reclaim our time with a sense of purpose, and kick these addictions in the butt!

(And I’m speaking as much to myself as I am to you, believe me.)

What can we do? How can we make the most of our time and our life (which is comprised of all of our actions, thoughts, and behaviors)?

As you are reading this, and if you are giving it serious consideration, you know which behaviors, thoughts, or actions are addictions for you. You know which ones you cling to and pretend that are necessary or harmless.

I’ve certainly been thinking about these for myself and have come up with a plan for dealing with them. I’ll share it with you . . .

Analyze

Take a look at each addictive behavior and ask yourself why you have allowed it to overtake your precious time. Some common reasons are:

• boredom

• fear of success

• fear of failure

• insecurity

• general unhappiness

• a need for control

• avoidance of something else (that might seem difficult or challenging)

• tiredness

• uncertainty

• inability to focus

• peer pressure or social pressure

Once you identify and become aware of these reason behind your addiction(s), you can begin to address the problem at its root. You can see your addiction for exactly what it is. When the devil is no longer in disguise, it’s awfully hard to continue to live with him.

Be willing to face the truth about your choices for addictive habits and behaviors. This must be done before change can happen.

Inquire and Rectify

To address the root problem of your addiction, ask yourself a series of questions to learn more about it. Here’s an example.

Let’s say your addiction is mindlessly surfing the net (a very common addiction). So you ask, “Why am I spending so much time surfing?” Your first answer might be, “Because I’m bored.”

But then you must press on. “Why am I bored?” “Because I don’t have anything interesting to do.”

“Why not?” “Because I don’t have any interests beyond the computer.”

“Are you sure? Have you really tried other things?” “Well, a few, but I might not like them, they might take energy.”

“How hard have you tried?” “Not very hard.”

“What could you try that would be fun, purposeful, or interesting — something that I would be proud to give my time away to rather than surfing the net?”

Self-inquiry helps you reach full awareness of the truth, and leads you to ideas for rectifying the addiction. You can find ways to replace old behaviors and thoughts with new ones.

If you have no idea what you want to do or how to spend your time more purposefully, do the work to find your passions or find a way to serve or help others.

Sometimes the root cause might be deeper or more complicated. It might require the help of a coach or counselor to understand why you are addicted to behaviors or thoughts and how to kill the root.  It is so worth the time and effort this might take. You could regain time that can dramatically improve the quality of your life.

Reprogram

Changing any habit or entrenched behavior takes time and practice. If you have spent most mornings sitting for an hour with your coffee and newspaper (and you don’t really want to give that much time to a newspaper), then you’ll need to retrain yourself.

First, you need something to do with this time instead of reading the paper. That’s what you determined through self-inquiry –  a better use of your precious time. Once you have a replacement for the old thought or behavior, you need to begin the big switch.

Rather than focusing on dropping the addictive behavior, put your focus on the new habit that you will replace it with. The new habit must be at the same time as the old addictive behavior. To learn more about creating positive new habits, watch the habits video on this page (it’s the third from the top).

Address your addictive behaviors one at a time by inserting a new behavior in its place. It will take 4-9 weeks for the new behavior to become automatic, so be patient. If you are planning for a year, you might plan on eliminating 6-8 addictive behaviors during the year.

What’s the Point?

Some of our addictive behaviors or thoughts are benign. They don’t really hurt you or anyone else by continuing to do them. Who cares if you watch tv every night for a few hours? What’s the big deal if you sleep late every weekend? Isn’t it good to have a long list of tasks to work on every day?

The point is that you have a choice. You can use your time for neutral, mind-numbing, adrenaline-fueling, inertia-supporting, success-stalling actions and thoughts, or you can savor every hour of your life with life-affirming, joyful, fulfilling actions.

Of course we will continue to do some of these behaviors some of the time. But tip the balance in favor of thoughts and actions that support the person you really want to be.  Mindfully create your time so that you can squeeze the juice out of every moment, every hour, every day.

Unless you know something I don’t, this is our one shot here on Earth. Each minute is valuable beyond measure. Kick the addictions, reclaim your time, and live the best life you possibly can. Why wouldn’t you?

A Reminder

If you want some ideas for finding your passion and creating purposeful work — please check out the Only 72 once-a-year sale. The sale ends at 12 noon EDT on Thursday, May 3.

You will receive over $1000 worth of digital courses and ebooks (18 products) from top online experts for $100 — a 90% discount. And you’ll get a copy of Chris Guillebeau’s newest book, The $100 Start-Up.

You can check it out here:

Only 72 $100 Start-Up Sale

When I was 40, I went through a phase during which I feared all of my creativity had been sapped.

I was in the thick of child-rearing and running a home, with all that this time of life entails. Most of my time was spent driving kids to activities, volunteering at their schools, cleaning up messes, and preparing meals that usually involved the words “nugget” or “roll-up.”

Although it was rewarding watching my children grow and thrive, I had no outlet for self-expression or creativity. In fact, I thought I had no creativity.

Someone suggested I read the book, The Artist’s Way, A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity, by Julia Cameron. In the book, Julia suggests that to stimulate creativity, you should commit to a period of “reading deprivation,” so you have no excuse not to do something playful and creative. She even provides a list of ideas.

When I looked at her list, I wanted to find something that was easily interrupt-able, as I had a 3-year-old at the time and knew that my down-time came in 5-10 minute blips.

I chose drawing.

At the time, I had no artistic ability whatsoever — my competency level was in the stick figure range. The last time I had seriously attempted drawing, I was under 12 years old and using crayons.

But nevertheless, I picked up a #2 pencil and a piece of construction paper and found a drawing of a bird that looked simple to draw. I focused on copying the lines of the drawing exactly as I saw them and tried not to worry about the outcome. I was just drawing something for fun. (You can see that I still clung to finishing my work with crayons.)

Here’s a photo of that first attempt at drawing:

I’m not showing you this because I think it’s a good drawing. Most 5-year-olds could create something similar or better. Plus, I have no idea what that thing is the bird is perched on. It doesn’t look good.

But . . . this little drawing gave me a sense of pride and awareness.

I could draw something better than stick figures.

I could look at lines and shading and reproduce something that remotely resembled the bird I was attempting to copy.

But the best thing that resulted from this first attempt was that I made a second attempt, and then a third, and so on.

After a few more attempts at animals and still-life, I realized I really enjoyed drawing faces. And if I just focused on reproducing lines and shading, without worrying about the outcome, I could create something fairly decent.

Here’s what I drew a couple of months later (with no art classes or any professional instruction). This is a drawing of my then 3-year-old daughter that I did from a photo of her:

Eventually, with a little more practice (but still no art classes), I was able to loosen up a bit without having to reproduce faces exactly as I saw them. Here’s an example of a DaVinci sketch I copied:

I’m not showing you these to toot my own horn. I am far from being a professional artist and could certainly use some real instruction and a lot more practice.

I am showing you these to let you know that you have hidden talents and abilities — things bottled up inside of you that you may not know you are capable of.

When I discovered this drawing ability, I actually feared something might be wrong with me — like a brain tumor or the beginning of some mental illness.

I couldn’t understand how I’d gone my entire life not being able to reproduce the simplest figure artistically, and within a couple of months, people were asking me to draw portraits of their children. Where did this come from?

What I know now is that this ability was always there, lying dormant within me. I’d never seriously tried drawing before, and any small attempt at it led me to believe I had no ability.

Once I tried and let go of expectations of judgment or outcomes, I was able to enjoy the process of just doing something creative. This enjoyment gave me the desire to practice and learn.

Not all of my creative attempts have resulted in success, but others have — like writing and blogging. With these two, I had no idea what I was getting into when I first started. I just knew the process was fun and fulfilling. Now I make a full-time living from this work. That wasn’t my intention, but here I am.

What Does This Mean for You?

In his book, The Element: How Finding Your Passion Changes Everything, Sir Ken Robinson suggests that “most people have a very limited conception of their own natural capacities.” He reminds us that we are born with “extraordinary powers of imagination, intelligence, feeling, intuition, spirituality, and of physical and sensory awareness. For the most part, we use only a fraction of these powers, and some not at all.”

What Sir Ken is suggesting (and backs up with plenty of research) is that we have so much more inside of us than we have begun to tap. We are capable of more than we could possibly achieve in a lifetime. But most of us haven’t even tried.

Somewhere along middle school and high school, we became self-conscious and fearful. We lost the pleasure of pure creativity because we were so focused on outcomes. We knew what it felt like to “fail,” to be criticized, to be compared — and it didn’t feel good.

As a result,  we set limits on ourselves to pursue just those things we knew we could do reasonably well. Then we grew and got busy and had responsibilities that further removed us from our wellspring of creative abilities.

So how do we begin to tap in to that wellspring again?

How can we find our hidden abilities if we aren’t sure what they are or where to begin?

Here are a few ideas:

• Follow Julia Cameron’s advice and stop reading or watching TV for a few weeks. Give yourself that time to do something rather than sitting passively.

• If you have an inkling about what you might enjoy, start with that activity and play with it for 30 minutes to an hour a day. Just enjoy the play — don’t have expectations or worry about the result.

• If you have no idea what you might be good at, do what I did, and pick something that fits into your life and schedule. Some ideas include:

cooking

watercolor or painting

drawing

knitting or sewing

carpentry or building

decorating

gardening

writing

painting a room

mentoring

teaching

playing an instrument

• Consider creating a blog or web site. There are so many ways to draw out your hidden abilities through online pursuits — including writing, teaching, design, selling, coaching, collaborating, research, etc.

• Experiment with several different creative endeavors. Not only will this help you find something you might truly love, but also it broadens your depth of knowledge and interest.

Why Should You Bother?

On some level, we are all aware that we have more inside of us than we are using. That awareness creates a certain amount of tension, making us feel bad that we aren’t living up to our potential.

Frankly, we can never live up to our fullest potential, because we have so many hidden but untapped abilities. That’s not the point.

• The point is that you could be enjoying your life more fully than you are now.

• You could open yourself up to something amazing and life-changing.

• You might find a doorway to a new career or a passionate endeavor that significantly boosts your happiness and sense of purpose.

• You might discover a way to meet interesting, new people who share your interest and ability.

• You might grow to have more self-confidence and pride in yourself.

• At the very least, you could have an hour a day where you have fun, relax, try something new, disengage from TV or books (not that either are bad) and do something different.

Yes, you have untapped potential. But don’t allow that knowledge to make you feel confused, fearful, or down on yourself.

You have nothing to prove to anyone.

Reach down inside of yourself and pick something, anything, and give it a try. You never know where it might lead you!

A Great Resource for You

If you are interested in learning more about creativity, finding your passion, tapping in to your abilities, meaningful blogging, starting a small business, writing and publishing, and much more — please check out the Only 72 once-a-year sale.

You will receive over $1000 worth of digital courses and ebooks (18 products) from top online experts for $100 — a 90% discount. And you’ll get a copy of Chris Guillebeau’s newest book, The $100 Start-Up.

The sale begins Monday, April 30, at 12 noon EDT and ends on Thursday, May 3 at 12 noon EDT. It is a 72 hour sale only.

You can check it out here:

Only 72 $100 Start-Up Sale

Here’s what is included in the package:

The Only 72 $100 Start-up Sale

If you’ve ever tried — and failed — to exercise regularly, eat healthier, wake earlier, meditate, become organized, beat procrastination … you’re like a lot of us. You struggle with creating new habits.

It’s not easy, because most people don’t understand what causes habits to fail or the specific steps to creating sustainable habits.

Leo Babauta, Katie Tallo, and I are excited to present a simple solution: The Habit Course, a 4-week interactive course designed to help you create and sustain new habits for life. Registration is now open for the course, which begins Monday, April 30. Early registrants will receive a $100 discount off the regular course price.

You can change anything in your life if you focus first on creating the right habits.

Maybe you’ve spent hundreds, if not thousands, on gym memberships, workout equipment and clothes, exercise DVDs and diet books, weight loss programs … but without knowing how to create habits, none of those investments will last, or give you the results you want. Creating habits is more important than any of those things.

If you’ve spent money on productivity books or courses or tools, organizing software or planners, or any other tools or books or DVDs meant to change your life … The Habit Course is worth more than any of those, because it’s the one tool that will help you create the changes you want, changes that will stick for life.

The Habit Course  Simple Method was developed over five years by Leo Babauta, creator of  Zen Habits (listed as a top 25 blog by Time Magazine) and one of the world’s leading authorities on creating habits. Leo has used this method to create a slew of habits: running, healthy eating, waking early, becoming organized and productive, becoming frugal, saving, eliminating debt, daily writing, and much more. It changed his life completely.

Katie Tallo and I are co-creators of the Course. Katie is an award-winning director, writer and producer who parlayed her experience as a storyteller into the creation of her motivational blog, Momentum Gathering. After kicking a 20-year smoking habit, she became a runner, vegetarian and debt free, transforming her life by creating simple, heartfelt habits.

I am a personal and career coach and creator of  this blog, as well as The Daily Brainstorm. After 25 years as a public relations professional, I re-launched my own life with a new career and new habits including daily writing, biking, healthy eating, mindfulness, and a commitment to living joyfully.

The course also features interviews, appearances, ebooks and audio by an amazing panel of guest experts, including:

• Steve Pavlina, Personal Development for Smart People

• J.D. Roth, Get Rich Slowly

• Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project

• Ian Newby-Clark, Professor of Psychology and habits exper

• Tim Brownson, A Daring Adventure

• Belinda Benn, transformation coach, author, and fitness model

• Danielle LaPorte, White Hot Truth

• Jonathan Wells, Advanced Life Skills

• Stephanie Wetzel, Trading Pounds

Here’s what you will get from this course:

• Articles with specific strategies and actions for habit creation that have been personally tested by Leo, Barrie, and Katie, as well as by our beta test group and past course participants.

• Case studies by people from all walks of life who have succeeded in creating habits despite having struggled with them.

• An on-going forum for members only for sharing ideas, feedback, and accountability.

• Weekly live interactive Webinars hosted by Leo where you’ll learn specific actions, meet fellow participants and be part of the Q&A

• Videos and podcasts to inspire you and help you stay on track and motivated.

• Worksheets and planning materials to help you stay organized and focused.

• 11 Bonus ebooks and courses valued at more than $300.

• Interviews and appearances by a panel of guest experts.

• Most importantly — one new habit at the end of 4-weeks, and the tools to create a lifetime of powerful habits.

Register early to get a $100 discount off the regular price. You can read more and register by clicking the link below:

On Monday, April 23 at 7:00 pm EDT, Leo Babauta of Zen Habits will share some of the things he has learned about creating habits (read his story for some of the habits he has created and changed).

He is hosting a free hour-long webinar called How I Used the Power of Bad Habits to Change My Life. You don’t need to register in advance. Just click on http://www.ustream.tv/channel/the-habit-course and use the password habitjedi.

All you need to do is show up, listen to him talk about a very simple habit system, and then you can ask any questions you like. (You do need to be signed-up for a free Ustream account to participate in the chat.)

Leo will be sharing how his previous bad habits paved the way for the life-changing habits he has created over the last few years. He will discuss the very specific mechanisms needed for habit creation and change, and why we tend to repeat a pattern of starting habits enthusiastically only to give up after a few days or weeks.

Here’s what Leo has to say about this recurring problem with habit creation:

Most people try to exercise, or become more productive, or start meditating … only to give up a few days or a couple weeks later. And then they feel bad about it, and wonder why they suck at making changes.

What we don’t realize is that there are certain forces working against us, mostly because we don’t understand how habits are created.

What I’ve learned is that you can turn those forces around, and make them work for you.

If you are interested in finding out how you can turn the forces that work against habit creation into powerful tools to create habits, please join Leo for this free webinar . On Monday, April 23, at 7:00 p.m. EDT, just click the link below to attend. No sign-up is necessary.

Free Habit Webinar: Monday, April 23, 7:00 p.m. EDT

At the end of the webinar, Leo will discuss our upcoming Habit Course opens for registration immediately after the webinar. Webninar attendees will receive a discounted price for the Course. If you are not interested in the Habit Course, you are still warmly welcomed to attend the webinar. You can just sign off when he begins discussing the Course.

Please share this free webinar info with your friends!

Before I became a coach, I didn’t know much about coaching.

I’d heard the term “life coach” tossed around, but I didn’t understand why people needed to be coached in their lives. Why would I need someone else telling me to do what I already know I should be doing?

(Now I know that coaching has nothing to do with being told what to do.)

If the coaching profession could be distilled to the single most valuable tool for clients, it would be accountability.

Coaches do many things to help clients reach their goals. They challenge them to pull ideas and dreams to the surface. They help the client determine and focus on what’s most important. And they support and guide the work of creating actions and strategies for positive change.

But if the client is doing nothing in between coaching sessions, all of the hard work during the session is for naught.  Quite often, the only thing standing  between the client and his or her success is accountability to the coach.

If you pay good money for a coach, agree to the actions you intend to take, and promise to report on your progress the following week, it’s hard to show your face at that next appointment if you haven’t done the work.

A good coach will hold the client’s feet to the fire and question them on why they didn’t follow through. And an ethical coach will release a client who consistently fails to follow through. Coaching only works for the coachable. And coachable clients respond to accountability.

The Motivation for Accountability

We experience subtle forms of accountability all the time.

If you are working out at the gym and a beautiful woman walks by, you’ll probably do a few more reps at the bench press.

If your boss asks you and your co-worker to write a report, you’ll do your best work to ensure the co-worker doesn’t outshine you.

If you go for a jog with your neighbor, you may push yourself to run a bit farther than you would by yourself.

Accountability can be powered by integrity, fear of embarrassment, pride, or shame. Whatever the reason for using it, accountability works. It provides the element of tension to get the job done — to make something happen that might not have happened without it. Or at least to do it better.

By putting yourself out there in front of others, you are holding yourself accountable to their good opinion of you. You are setting the bar for yourself, and then jumping up to tap it when someone is looking.

Intentional Accountability

But what about when someone isn’t looking?

How do you jump up and hold on to the bar to sustain new positive behaviors?

The most powerful scenario for accountability is the one you intentionally create for yourself. This is the accountability that can support you through important, sustained self-improvement.

When you are trying to make a positive change in your life — to create a habit or reach a goal — accountability can be your best friend. And it’s a friendship you need to fully embrace if you really want to succeed.

My friend and master coach Steve Chandler tells the story of wanting to lose 20 lbs. He walked into his office one day and told the ten people that he’d give them each $1000 if he didn’t lose the 20 lbs. in five weeks. He put $10,000 on the line. That’s serious accountability. That’s intentional accountability.

In the Habit Course, Leo, Katie, and I teach course participants the power of accountability during the early stages of habit creation. In fact, setting up an accountability plan is a crucial element of The Simple Method that we teach.

It’s one thing to tell yourself, “I’m going to write every day.” It’s another to tell yourself and dozens or hundreds of other people — and to ask those people to pay attention, to ask about your progress, to hold your feet to the fire.

Setting Up Intentional Accountability

So how do you set up intentional accountability? There is no one right way. In fact, it never hurts to set up more than one system of accountability — like an additional alarm clock to make sure you get up in the morning!

Here are some ideas for setting up accountability for your own self-improvement goals:

• If you want to achieve something big, something that has many layers or steps, and that might take several months, consider hiring a personal coach. Big change requires more accountability, because you are likely to grow tired, discouraged, or bored before the process ends. A coach will help you stay on track.

• If you want to create a specific, individual habit (like writing, meditating, running, etc.), find an online forum, support group, or blog where you can report your goals and progress. You can even use social media like Facebook and Twitter for accountability.

• If you are working on something personal, like spending more time with your children, improving your spiritual life, or creating a good hygiene habit, ask your spouse, friend, or a close family member to help you stay accountable. (Although be careful with hidden agendas or potential conflicts with spouses.)

• Consider putting something on the line to hold your feet to the fire. You may not be able to promise $10,000 if you fail to follow-through, but perhaps there is something you could promise to confirm the seriousness of your intention to succeed.

• Be sure you tell your accountability partner or group exactly how you want them to hold you accountable. Do you want to be called out if you haven’t followed through? Or do you want only positive reinforcement when you get the job done? This is particularly important with spouses and family members, as you don’t want accountability to feel like shaming or nagging.

If you have a self-improvement goal or habit you would like to create but haven’t been ready or known how to get started successfully, I hope you will consider The Habit Course. Not only will you receive accountability from me, Leo, and Katie as we coach you through habit creation, but also you will learn all of the skills to create sustainable habits for life.

Leo will be hosting a free webinar on Monday, April 23, at 7:00 p.m. EDT, called How I Used the Power of Bad Habits to Change My Life. You don’t need to register in advance. Just click on http://www.ustream.tv/channel/the-habit-course and use the password habitjedi.

Recently I found myself caught in an internal dialog about exercise. I’ve been avoiding exercise, and I told myself, “I must not really want to be as fit as I can be. Otherwise I would exercise. If I really wanted it badly enough, I’d do it.”

I’ve had that dialog with myself  before, and at first blush it seems logical and legitimate. I’m not overweight, and I’m reasonably fit and healthy.  Exercise feels “optional,” even though I know intellectually how important it is for my overall health and longevity. I don’t have a compelling, urgent need to exercise. So my lack of recent initiative has led me to the conclusion that I must not really want to be as fit as I could be right now.

But that’s simply not the truth.

If I could snap my fingers and have the choice to remain at my current level of fitness, or be able to easily run 5 miles and be toned and flexible, of course I’d choose the latter. If it were as simple as snapping my fingers, I would absolutely want to be as fit, toned, and healthy as possible.

Have you ever found yourself caught in this internal debate ?

It sounds as though you are being honest and real with yourself — “If I really wanted it, I would do something about it.” But the truth is we all really want it — whatever it is. We want to be fit, learn to meditate, finish a project, clean out clutter, master a new skill, eat healthy, etc.

The Problem Isn’t Wanting

Every one of us dreams of being better, doing great things, accomplishing more. The problem isn’t that “we don’t really want it enough.” The problem is we don’t want to do all of the hard stuff required to make it happen. Wanting something enough (and how do you define enough anyway?) doesn’t make the steps to achieving it less complicated or easier.

Even when we feel quite passionate about something we’d like to achieve, many of the steps required to make it happen aren’t remotely related to the outcome we feel so passionate about.

For example, I am passionate about writing and blogging. I am not passionate about many aspects of computer technology. But in order to have a successful blog, I’ve had to learn computer skills that I find tedious and difficult. My passion for blogging has helped motivate me to a certain extent — it gave me a positive outcome to look forward to. But I still had to deal with the unpleasant or boring technology steps while they were happening.

Sometimes we want things because we feel passionate about them. Sometimes we want them because we know they will make us better people or more marketable professionals or broaden our horizons.

Whatever the motivation may be for wanting to improve ourselves, we still have to contend with the reality of making it happen. Passion and desire help, but they often don’t go far enough.

Why We Give Up

Sadly, at some point in our lives, most of us have given up on a self-improvement goal because we became overwhelmed with the actions to make our desires a reality. We want to be fit, but it is harder than we expected to squeeze exercise into our established routines.

It feels uncomfortable to break a sweat, to pound the pavement, and to breath hard. It takes too much willpower to cut back on carbs, eat more vegetables, or skip dessert.

We might start with lofty plans and great gusto. But after a few days, we begin that internal dialog.

“I must not really want to be as fit as I could be. I don’t really need to meditate. What good is a foreign language anyway?”

We let go of our dreams and wrap them up in excuses and justifications before we let them sail away from us. It hurts less than thinking we are undisciplined losers.

Well here is the good news: you are not an undisciplined loser.

You don’t lack willpower. You are not lazy.

And you do really want “it” badly enough.

You have the same burning desire that we all have to be better, to live better, to accomplish more.

And you have the same ability.

What You Might Be Missing

The only things you may be missing are the proper skills.

To accomplish those things that you really do want deep down inside — the things that you may have tried and failed at a few times, the things you may be avoiding because you are stuck in inertia or fear — you need to slowly and carefully retrain your brain.

Each of these self-improvement accomplishments requires the integration of dozens of small habits. Exercise requires the habits of blocking out a certain time, putting on different clothing, walking out the door or to a special room, moving your body in various ways over an extended period of time.

If you try to integrate a full-blown exercise routine into your life without the proper preparation and without building up to it slowly, you are bound to fail. Just as you can’t transition from sedentary to running five miles in the first day (because your body isn’t prepared), you can’t go from no exercise habits to half a dozen new habits in one day (because your brain isn’t prepared).

Every new habit you introduce in your life changes the way your brain is wired. Habits create new neural connections in the brain, and the more you practice a new habit, the stronger the connection becomes. It takes several weeks before the connection is strong enough that the habit becomes automatic. And if you stop practicing the habit for a period of time, the connection gets weaker.

To ensure that you give your brain the time and space to make and strengthen these connections, you must start slowly with each new habit, breaking the habit down into the smallest possible components.

And you must begin with a manageable amount of time, around 5 minutes to begin with, so that you can adapt to carving out the time for this new habit.

We all make the mistake of wanting to dive in head first with any self-improvement goal. We get the equipment, the expensive shoes, the six-set series of Learn Italian in a Week. But the first order of business is to train our brains to carve out the time to insert this new activity. Then you start expanding from there, once the habit and habit time begins to feel automatic.

So in a nutshell, if you want to begin a goal to improve yourself in some way, here are the initial steps:

• Break the goal down into the smallest possible actions or steps (if this is your first time trying this, pick a simple goal);

• Choose the logical first step from the smaller actions steps;

• Determine the time of day when you want practice this new action;

• Keep the activity to five minutes in the beginning, even if it feels uncomfortable or ridiculously too short.

In my next post, I’ll discuss some of the other necessary steps toward integrating a self-improvement habit into your life so that it sticks.

 A Resource for You: If you need a little help in those early days of establishing a new self-improvement goal — if you need advice, accountability, and a community to get you over those rough spots — consider joining the next edition of  The Habit Course this May with Leo Babauta, Katie Tallo, and me. It’s all about creating new habits for life – habits that last, habits that can lead towards the realization of your biggest dreams. Registration opens Tuesday, April 24, and the course begins April 30-May 25. There’s a short little video on the middle of this page with the three of us talking about the course if you’d like to watch.

In my previous post, I wrote about how essential it is to create a life vision for yourself and gave you an exercise for writing your own life vision.

Often when I do this exercise with coaching clients, after they have written their vision, they begin to panic. They have just written this detailed vision for their life, but it looks very little like the life they have right now.

Their unspoken (or sometimes spoken) fear is, “How on Earth am I going to make all of this happen?”

When you create a vision that incorporates every aspect of your life and involves hundreds of actions and changes, not to mention facing some fears and self-doubt, it can be a bit daunting. How on Earth does one make all of this happen?

There is no one right method. As I mentioned in the vision post, you can just pick something at random and do it. This may not be the most elegant way to get there, but you are still moving forward.

But I like the idea of having a little structure around overhauling your life. It’s sort of like the way I clean my kitchen. Rather than just moving randomly around the kitchen and cleaning willy nilly, I like to pick a section and clean it completely before I move on to the next section. (That’s the “J” function in my INFJ personality I guess!)

So if you are partial to a bit of structure around your life, here are some ideas for organizing the changes and actions required for creating your life vision. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to do this. But if it all feels overwhelming to you, this might help you feel more in control of actualizing your vision.

A Monthly Life Vision Theme 

I like the idea of focusing my actions with a monthly theme. A month gives you enough time to really make  a dent in something, but it’s not so much time that it feels like forever.

You can start anywhere with any of the life areas mentioned in your vision, but you may want to begin with the area of your life that feels the most critical to you.

The Domino Theme

These important, key areas of your life that need an overhaul can be the impetus for a boat load of change.

For example, let’s say you don’t feel great because you are overweight, you eat poorly, and you don’t exercise. Assuming that good health and energy are part of your life vision, then beginning in this area of your life can have a tremendous impact on every other part of your life.

It’s like pulling a thread which unravels the entire fabric of your current life. Or pushing a domino and watching everything else easily follow fall into place.

Changing your health habits will give you more energy, increase your self-confidence, and make you feel better about life in general. This can impact your relationships, your ability to make positive change, and your lifestyle.

Sometimes these Domino Themes are really big and might require creating monthly “sub-themes.” So if we stay with the health example mentioned above . . .

• the first month might be focused on changing eating habits;

• the next month might be themed around taking care of doctor’s appointments;

• and the next might be beginning an exercise program.

This will require you to break down the one vision goal into a variety of sub-goals, and then define the actions for each sub-goal.

What you will likely notice as you work on your particular Domino Theme is that many other areas of your vision will materialize easily — not because you “attracted” it or something magical happened, but because the big life change made all of the other changes much easier to accomplish.

Do you see a Domino Theme for your life?

The Mix and Match Theme

I have had those Domino Themes in my life before — most notably when I was seeking my life passion. But sometimes you are at a point where several different areas of your life need some attention in order to get you closer to your vision.

Also, some of us enjoy a little variety in our life vision creation. We get bored or drained by focusing too much time and attention in one area. That’s why I like this idea of Mix and Match monthly themes.

Maybe the first month you want to focus on your relationships. You can pick one particular relationship to work on, or you can focus on one aspect of relating with everyone in your life that might need work or attention.

You may not complete your goals in a specific life area in one month, but you will make a good dent in them. And you can always revisit this area again down the road. In fact, you probably should, as your life vision is a work in progress.

Then switch it up the next month with another area of your life where you focus your energy.

The beauty of this Mix and Match system is that you can watch progress in all areas of your life in a relatively short amount of time. If you are one of those people who tend to take a few bites of everything on your plate rather than eating all of your potatoes before consuming your peas, then this is a good system for you!

The Clean-Up Theme

Sometimes making our life vision a reality is as much about cleaning up the roadblocks as it is about taking action steps to reach a goal.

If you are stuck because of fear, self-doubt, anxiety, depression, indecision, limiting beliefs, anger, emotional pain, or any other mental or emotional barriers, these must be cleared up (at least tidied a bit) before you can make substantial progress on your life vision.

If you don’t clear these barriers, you will find yourself constantly taking a step or two forward, only to be pulled back by your debilitating emotions or beliefs.

Creating a monthly theme related to cleaning up inner barriers isn’t the most thrilling part of working on your vision. But you know as well as I that you can’t make progress if you remain stuck in these situations. You must clear them up if you want to make your life better.

If you are depressed, anxious, angry, or in emotional pain, make your very first step to find a reputable counselor who feels like a good match for you. Visit or interview several.

If you can’t afford it, speak with the counselor about payment options or ask about free counseling services that might be available in your area. Do what needs to be done to get yourself into counseling to deal with these debilitating emotions. Some holes are too deep to climb out by yourself.

If you are dealing with self-doubt, limiting beliefs, or indecision, consider working with a coach to help you clarify what you want and to challenge you to move past beliefs and negative thinking that are blocking you from positive action.

Do you really need a coach or counselor?

Maybe not.

But when my car needs fixing, I don’t hesitate to take it to a professional rather than try to diagnose and fix it myself. You may be able to self-correct your inner barriers, but I promise, you will make much more progress in a much shorter amount of time with a good professional.

If you see that you have much to clean up before you can dive in to other changes in your life, then create some monthly clean-up themes.

Only you know what those might be, but I would suggest beginning with the most debilitating first. Once you address and remove this barrier, you may find that the others fade away as well.

Some General Tips for Your Monthly Theme

• Prior to the start of each monthly theme, write down all of the actions you can think of that are involved in the particular work you are doing. Break down the actions into the smallest possible parts.

• Allot a certain amount of time daily or weekly to working on these actions. In the beginning especially, be sure you give yourself plenty of time and that the actions are easy and quick.

• Plot your action steps on your calendar, and make this sacred, non-negotiable time for working on your vision.

• If you see you have more work than one month will allow, then go into the next month if you wish. Or go the Mix and Match route and work on something else the next month, and resume the first theme another time.

• Create some accountability for yourself to further motivate you to take the actions. Discuss your monthly themes with your family or friends. Ask for their support.

• Recognize that many of the changes you will be making creating new habits or dropping old ones. Habit formation requires some specific plans and actions to ensure they become automatic and stick. You can read more about habit formation here.

There is no right way to go about creating your life vision. There is only the best way for you.

Examine your life as it is today, and look for the “low hanging fruit” — the places that are screaming for your attention. If it resonates with you, pick a method for working on this area with a monthly theme.

Organizing your life vision into manageable bites definitely makes the process of making your vision a reality much easier to chew!

Special Note: The Habit Course (led by Leo Babauta, Katie Tallo, and me) is coming soon. Limited spaces. The wait list is open.

“A bold and fearless life” — does that sound unattainable?

Does it sound like the motto for a new age action hero?

The idea of living a bold and fearless life might make you think you need special abilities or super powers. But this blog isn’t about that kind of bold and fearless.

I’m not here to inspire you to slay dragons or leap tall buildings today.

I’m here to inspire and challenge you to take the next action that needs to be taken from the place you are right now so you can get to the place you want to be.

What Is Bold and Fearless Living?

The other day I had an epiphany while reading an article by Corbett Barr of the blog Think Traffic. He was writing about the importance of having a “unique selling point” on your blog or a point of difference.

I’d rather call it a “unique serving point” — what I’m serving you that is different from what you might get elsewhere. Bloggers need to articulate that serving point to their readers on a regular basis. I want to be sure you know my serving points.

The tagline of my blog says, “personal growth for fearless living.” But what it could also say is “practical actions to fear less so you can live more.” My unique serving points at Live Bold and Bloom are these:

• usable actions (that actually work) to help bring your life closer to your passion or dream every day;

• techniques to help you push past fear so fear begins to diminish and doesn’t control you;

• ideas to foster mind shifts so you can stretch yourself to live more to your potential.

I firmly believe that each and every one of us, regardless of where we are in life right now, have the potential to make life even better. Maybe it’s an incremental change. Maybe it’s a huge shift. Either way, there’s more in all of us than we are living right now.

That’s the beautiful thing about potential. It keeps growing every time you think you’ve filled it.

And why shouldn’t we keep pursuing our potential? This glorious life has more to offer us than we could ever experience in one lifetime. Don’t you want to savor as much as you can?

Taking the actions to fulfill potential is about as bold and fearless as you can get. It is shouting “YES” to life in a loud and clear voice.

The One Non-Negotiable Action

So that brings me back to creating your bold and fearless life and the non-negotiable action you must take before you can begin creating that life.

You and I and everyone reading this post today are at different points on our personal growth journeys.

• Some people may be at the place where bold living means slaying a dragon, doing something huge and totally life-altering.

• For others, bold living might mean making a very subtle shift in attitude or creating a boundary where there wasn’t one before.

To create a bold and fearless life for yourself, you have to define what that is for you. You have to create the outcome of a bold and fearless life in your mind, and then begin to take the steps to get there.

The one non-negotiable action is this: you must create a vision for your life.

If you don’t know what you are working toward, how will you ever get there?

Now, as I mentioned above, I like to deal in practicalities, in real-life solutions to real-life problems that bring real-life results.

Creating a vision doesn’t mean, “you write it and it will appear.” It means, “you write it, you determine the steps to get you there, you take the steps, and you get there.”

And the very first step on the journey to a bold and fearless life (however you define it) is to define it — to write a vision for yourself. A vision is your Emerald City, and whether you are in the dark forest or on the Yellow Brick Road, you need to be able to see Oz glimmering in the distance.

So let’s create a life vision. Go get a paper and pencil. If you don’t have time to do it all today, print off this article and work on it over the next few days.

How to Create Your Life Vision

Step 1: Magical Thinking

This is the only time you get to use magical thinking during this process. I’m going to ask you to suspend disbelief and pretend you have the power to flip a switch (or twitch your nose like Samantha in Bewitched) and have life exactly as you want it right now, today.

That’s where we’re starting — if you could make your life exactly how you wish it could be right now, how would it look? Don’t start writing yet, just think for a moment.

Now the one caveat to this magical thinking game is this: if you decide during this exercise you want to include the absolutely impossible (ie: becoming a singing sensation if you are tone deaf), you are wasting your time. Steer clear of the absolutely impossible, and focus on the potentially attainable.

Note: for all of the steps below, start writing your responses.

Step 2: Your Career

• If you could work in any job doing exactly what you want, what would you do?

• Where would be you working?

• How many days/hours a week?

• How much would you make?

• Who would you work with?

• How would you feel in this job?

Step 3: Your Relationships

• Describe the primary love relationship in your life (even if it doesn’t exist right now).

• How do you communicate and interact?

• What do you do together?

• How do you solve problems together?

• How do you have fun together?

• Describe your relationship with your children and other family members.

• Describe your relationship with friends and co-workers.

Step 4: Your Health and Wellness

• Describe how you feel physically.

• How often and how much do you exercise?

• What kinds of food do you eat regularly?

• How do you take care of your mental health to live a balanced life with little stress?

• How do you take care of your spiritual needs?

Step 5: Your Lifestyle

• Describe your home — the size, the design, the decor, the location.

• What do you do regularly for fun and relaxation?

• What do you do for continued learning, self-improvement, and personal growth?

• Where and how often do you travel?

Step 6: Your Finances

• Describe in general terms your financial situation — your balance of income, expenses, savings, etc.

Step 7: Your Life Vision

Using all of your answers above (and anything else you may want to add), write a life vision for yourself in paragraph form, as though you are writing a story about yourself in first person. Keep this vision posted or where you can look at it often.

Next Steps

Here are some things to note about your life vision:

• If you aren’t sure about your vision for some of the life areas, that’s fine. Just write a very loose or general answer. Sometimes it take time for your vision to become clear.

• You can change or alter it any time you wish. It’s your vision after all.

• You may not achieve everything on your life vision, at least not all at once. And maybe never. That’s OK. Because the real boldness in life isn’t in the achievement of your vision. It’s in taking the actions to get there.

• You don’t have to work on everything at once. In fact, you shouldn’t. Pick the most important thing to you now, or just choose anything in the vision, and break it down into the smallest possible tasks and actions. Then start taking the actions.

• Try to take an action toward your vision every day. Even if you feel crappy. Even if you don’t think you’ll ever get there. Even if it’s a teeny tiny, itty bitty action. Every step forward, no matter how small, brings you closer to your vision.

• Visualize your vision. Visualize yourself taking the actions to create your vision. This isn’t magic. There is real science behind visualization. You are rewiring your brain and creating new neural pathways to support the changes you are making.

• Enjoy the process! Most of life is lived during times of process, not achievement.

If you want to live a bold and fearless life, whatever that is for you, then take the time to define it. Design a beautiful vision for your life, an Emerald City in the distance. Craft it exactly to your liking. Refine it if necessary. Then keep it with you where you can see it daily.

Now, pick one thing and follow the Yellow Brick Road to your bold and fearless life!

Special Note: The Habit Course (led by Leo Babauta, Katie Tallo, and me) is coming soon. Limited spaces. The wait list is open.

“There is no such thing as a failed experiment, only experiments with unexpected outcomes.” ~Buckminster Fuller

Some of you may know my story of (finally) discovering my life passion — or at least the one I’m loving right now!

For those who don’t, here’s a synopsis: (There is a take-away for you at the end. If you don’t want to read my compelling, mind-blowing story, scroll on down to get the good stuff!)

My Compelling, Mind-Blowing Story

After high school, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was passionate about boys, clothes, and books. (Is your mind blown yet?)

Since I couldn’t major in boys, and since my liberal arts college (which I selected in order to follow a boy) didn’t offer a fashion degree, I majored in English Literature. (It was really called an English major, but English Literature sounds smarter.)

This allowed me to read lots of books. It also forced me to do a lot of writing, where I had a modicum of ability.

I also had an affinity for psychology and philosophy. I liked helping people with their problems and yacking about the meaning of life. But by the time I discovered this, I was well into my major and felt it was too late to change. Plus, all of the good philosopher jobs appeared to have been taken.

Once I graduated, I still had no idea what I wanted to do. I toyed with the idea of law school, but only because it sounded prestigious and I could wear classy business suits. But I had no real interest in law.

As good fortune would have it, I saw an ad in the paper for an entry level job in the public relations office of Macy’s. This seemed right up my alley — fashion,writing, and (I assumed) glamor.

The day I interviewed for the job, I remember taking a peek at my application when my soon-to-be-boss left the room. She had written: “blond, timid” at the top. Stellar credentials. I have no idea why I got the job, but I did. Maybe she thought she could walk all over me. She was right.

A Grand Experiment

I didn’t know it at the time, but this first “real” job was a grand experiment.

Having had no direction or inspiration in high school or college for what my passion was, I just bumbled around and followed my nose, relying on what I thought would be “fun” as my guide. Frankly, I didn’t know passion was an option.

But fun isn’t a bad guide, and much of that first job and my subsequent PR jobs was fun.

• I got to meet interesting people and work with the media and celebrities.

• I got to write and work on creative projects and events.

• I was around fashion every day.

• I became less timid and more blond, gaining self-confidence about my skills and my hair.

• I eventually landed in New York where I did all of the above at a higher level with more responsibility and a little more money (which I promptly spent on clothes).

Through my experiences in the fashion PR world, I learned that I like working in teams, I like helping people find solutions, I like the creative process of taking a project from beginning to end, I like being a communicator — a funnel for ideas and information.

But I also learned what I didn’t like.

• I didn’t like the hard-nosed, often abrasive personalities that seemed to be attracted to retail (not all, but many).

• I didn’t like the 9-5 grind and often having to work evenings and weekends for someone else to help make them more money.

• I eventually didn’t like the superficiality of the fashion industry and promoting the latest trend as “the most important thing of the season.” Tell that to the homeless people on the streets of New York.

The Sieve of Experimenting

Through the grand experiment of my first career, I put my skills and experience through a sieve and learned what I did and didn’t want to keep. Through the process of elimination, I was closer to my passion, but not there yet. I wasn’t really actively searching.

After a few years in NYC, I moved back to Atlanta to start a family. At that point, I took another leap of faith and began a new chapter of experimentation.

I started my own PR consultancy so I could have the flexibility to be with my new baby. It was scary to launch out on my own, but safe enough since there was another income to fall back on. And it worked out. I was able to pick and choose my clients (in the arts, education, law (ha!), and other less fluffy disciplines).

I loved being my own boss.

I love the flexibility of working from home.

I loved being able to work with clients who matched my interests and felt more “meaningful.”

I knew I never again wanted to be employed in the traditional way.

Of course, I wouldn’t have known these things had I not experimented with being a consultant. So now I had more information to draw from.

But within a couple of years, babies 2 and 3 came along, and I back-burnered my career to focus almost exclusively on raising children.

I threw myself into child-rearing with a fierce passion, born as much from a desire to create for my kids the childhood I didn’t have, as from a love of singing Barney songs and being Room Mother of the Year. But I did all of that and more.

Experimentation with Purpose

I learned one hugely important thing during the grand experiment of raising kids: don’t allow your work (especially if your work involves giving a lot of yourself to others) to squelch the flame that burns inside of you for your life passion.

There are seasons and reasons in life for many things, but if you aren’t living your passion in some small way, you will feel disoriented, disconnected, and restless. If you don’t know your passion, you must keep experimenting.

During those child-rearing years, although I didn’t have a lot of spare time, I tried my hand at drawing, volunteering in various capacities, serving on the board of arts organizations, running a small antiques booth, taking classes and workshops, and other mini-experiments that kept the small flame of passion flickering.

It wasn’t until my first child left home, and I had a huge gap of time on my hands, that my focused experimentation began in earnest — experimentation with a purpose. And the purpose was to find my passion.

All of my previous experiments helped me tremendously in learning what I did and didn’t want for my life. But there was no structure or plan to my experimentation. I didn’t have a name for what I was doing.  It just happened.

Once I had the time (and took the time) to proactively learn more about myself  and focus my experiments in areas I was clearly suited for, then I finally uncovered my passion (coaching, blogging, writing, helping others find their passions). I learned that experimentation is even more valuable when you lay the groundwork first. (I created a course based on this groundwork if you are interested.)

Your Take-Aways (Finally!)

So what can you learn from my story here? Damned if I know. Your story could be entirely different.

But perhaps you see some similarities in your own life experiments and the search for what makes you come alive, your passion.

If, like me most of my life, you don’t know that you should be actively looking for your passion, you should be. Life is just so much better when you live it through your passion — whether in your work, your hobby, or some form of recreation.

So I’ve distilled what I’ve learned here in some handy-dandy bullet points that might resonate with you. Here’s your take-away:

• Life in itself is one grand experiment. Everything you do and have done in the past is information that teaches you something. Pay attention.

• If you haven’t already done so, look back over the careers or jobs you’ve had in the past. Put them through the sieve and find out what you want to keep in your life.

• The path to finding your passion in life is not linear. It shouldn’t be. Life and experience are your teachers, so you must go down different trails to learn. Don’t avoid the trails. Experiment every chance you get.

• Sadly, our time on Earth is limited. Make the most of your time by focusing your experiments in areas where you have at least an inkling of  your interest and skill. If you need to do the work to learn more about yourself, check out my Discover Your Passion course. This is the work I did to find my passion.

• Once you’ve found your passion, whatever you do, don’t stop experimenting! Who says we can have only one passion in a lifetime? Or that your passion may not lead you in different directions? Plus, experimentation can offer its own set of thrills and pleasure.

• Shift your perceptions of “trying something out” as a waste of time or a delay in getting to what really matters. Trying something out could lead you to what really matters, and it may not be what you think. As Shakti Gawain says, “this or something better” could be happening for you right now.

What have been some of your grand experiments? How have they impacted your life? Please share in the comments.

Have you seen my free Bold Living Videos? Check them out here. No email required, no money, not even a piece of dark chocolate.

A guest post by David Singer of Six Simple Rules

Late last year we went through a challenging few weeks at home when our teenage daughter battled a significant, but fortunately temporary, illness. It was an experience that was extremely unnerving, to say the least.

Just before this past Thanksgiving, my daughter Julie, age 17, came home from school complaining that she felt sick. She had a fever and so she took some Tylenol, went to bed early, and skipped school the next day, the day before Thanksgiving.

She then spent all Thanksgiving day in bed, suffering from headaches, fever, lack of appetite, and complete exhaustion. We brought her to the pediatrician on Friday and the doctor said it appeared that Julie had a bad virus.

From Bad to Worse

That weekend, Julie’s symptoms continued to increase in severity (excruciating headaches, fever, no appetite, and barely able to get out of bed) and she began to suffer from additional symptoms (nausea, vomiting, and a sensitivity to light).

On Sunday, we took her to the ER where they examined her thoroughly, took blood to look for infections or mono, and did a chest x-ray to look for pneumonia. All tests were negative and the doctors continued to say this was likely a virus. We kept giving her Tylenol and Advil and making sure that she stayed hydrated.

The following Tuesday, with Julie growing weaker because she hadn’t eaten anything in a week, we spent the day in the hospital where they ran more tests. At the end of the day, the doctors told us that the only test they hadn’t yet done, but wanted to hold off on, was a spinal tap to check for spinal meningitis.

They explained that the bacterial form of meningitis was deadly, but that it was so debilitating, we would know she had it by the way she would look and act and feel. Other than the peace of mind we would get with a confirmed diagnosis of viral meningitis, as long as she wasn’t getting worse, there was no reason for the invasive test because the treatment would be to simply wait it out.

On Thursday, with Julie making no progress (though also not worse), we saw an infectious disease specialist. He concurred with the likely diagnosis of viral meningitis. While Julie and my wife, Marcie, and I were very frustrated with the lack of progress, the doctor assured us that he felt confident with the diagnosis—in fact, he felt that Julie didn’t look that bad.

On Saturday (day 12 of Julie’s illness), I got Marcie to leave the house for a few hours. When Marcie left the house she was upset because Julie hadn’t gotten out of bed yet, deflating Marcie’s positive feelings about Julie having come downstairs the prior day.

Coping with Uncertainty

While Marcie was out, I got Julie downstairs and fed her a sliced apple, by far the most she had eaten in nearly two weeks. When Marcie texted me from a store to ask for an update, I wrote, “Happy to report that Julie is downstairs. Ecstatic to report that she ate an apple!”

Unfortunately, my text message gave Marcie a false sense of what she would see when she came home, because when Marcie saw Julie looking the same way as when she left, Marcie burst into tears.

Marcie is normally the rock in our family, but she was having a lot of trouble dealing with the uncertainty of the situation—the diagnosis of “most likely” viral meningitis and a prescription of “wait and see” kept Marcie worrying, “What if it’s something worse and we’re losing valuable time by not treating it?”

It was an understandable concern, and while it’s important to be your daughter’s advocate, leaving no stone unturned as you seek to help her recover from illness, I told Marcie that we needed to put negative thinking out of our minds for our sanity.

I tried to console Marcie and to reason with her. I reminded her what all the doctors had said, that the critical thing all along had been that Julie wasn’t getting worse, and now the key was that she was getting better, even if the progress was excruciatingly slow.

Progress Over Perfection

I showed her the charts that my physician brother-in-law had suggested I construct: graphs that showed her fever coming down, the severity of the headaches coming down, the frequency of her requests for Tylenol coming down, and now, finally, the amount of food she was eating on the rise.

Marcie calmed down. Then, late that evening, Marcie’s imagination took over once again. She shared with me her dire concerns and we had a bit of a fight when I got upset at her for bringing me down with her negativity.

I urged her to adopt the coping skill of optimism—easier said than done for someone for whom it doesn’t come naturally. I reminded her that feeling that everything is going to work out will help to keep her sane and that it’s critical to see the glass as half full—for example, the apple Julie ate being huge progress worthy of celebrating.

Julie’s recovery continued at an extraordinarily slow pace and fast-forwarding the story, she finally went back to school after missing nearly four weeks, just in time to get in a few days before Christmas break.

The Power of Optimism

We were thrilled that Julie was feeling much better, and in another bit of positive thinking, we were happy to have the Christmas break come just in time for Julie to get additional recovery time, as well as catch-up time for her school work (she wasn’t able to get any school work done when she was home sick because even when she wasn’t nauseous or headachy, she was too exhausted to concentrate.)

As she recovered, Julie and I talked about the fact that while the ordeal had been frustrating and disrupting for her, in the not-too-distant-future the painfulness of this memory would fade and it would become an interesting story that Julie would find herself telling to her new college friends the following year.

I also couldn’t help but think, and point out to Julie and Marcie, how much more disruptive this would have been had Julie gotten sick the prior year, when she was a high school junior, taking SATs and working on her GPA. Or worse, if she had gotten sick the following year as a college freshman she almost certainly would have had to repeat a semester.

That’s the way my mind works, and I’m grateful for it. I think about the ways we are lucky that things work out, even in situations that are pretty much 100% negative (the same way you hear someone saying, “He’s lucky to be alive,” when a person is in intensive care after a near-fatal car accident.)

Optimism and positive thinking are all pieces of being happy and having a better life. The importance of our focus on measuring Julie’s progress is a microcosm of the importance of measuring progress instead of perfection in all aspects of life. And there were plenty of opportunities to practice focusing on progress during this experience.

What have you been through lately that was traumatic at the time, but yielded many opportunities to look for the positive? Join the conversation with your stories…

David J. Singer is the author of Six Simple Rules for a Better Life and blogs at Six Simple Rules

Would you like my Free Bold Living Starter Kit? You can download it right now and receive regular updates from Live Bold and Bloom.

You’re driving down the highway, going with the flow of traffic, minding your own business.

When you look in your rear-view mirror, you see a car ten car lengths behind you, darting between lanes, cutting it close between other vehicles, and quickly coming up on you.

The next thing you know, he is right behind you, nose to your bumper, trying to get around you. But there’s a car next to you, and there’s no way to pass. So the driver pulls even closer (just in case you didn’t know she was in a hurry) and lays on the horn. “Get the hell out of my way,” is the loud and clear message. “I own the road, I’m in control here.”

Another familiar scenario is the one where that same honking person is sitting next to you while you are driving. “Go around that car!”  “Take this exit, it’s faster.” “Why are you parking here? There’s a space right by the door.”

This isn’t a story simply about obnoxious speeders or backseat drivers.

It’s about control.

The need to be in control and feel in control.

It’s the hidden story of those people who appear very successful and put-together on the outside, but underneath that glossy exterior lurk some self-destructive, unhealthy, and relationship-killing behaviors.

Who Are Control Freaks?

Although often charming, efficient, and highly organized, control freaks can be a real pain in the butt to be around.

We’ve all encountered them, and maybe (yikes) we are one ourselves — or at least have a few controlling behaviors.

Either way, it’s good to know the signs and symptoms so you can learn to deal with a controlling person or begin to acknowledge and change the behaviors in yourself. (More often that not, control freaks don’t see the behavior in themselves and how it impacts others.)

Control freaks come in two varieties: the Power Freak and the Fear Freak.

The Power Freak is driven by a desire to be in charge, prove themselves, and get their own way. They want to control their environment or the people around them — or both. This is the man or woman in the car, either driving up behind you or riding beside you giving instructions.

As long as things are going their way, they can be charming and pleasant. But step in front of one or cross them –  and watch out. They tend to bully, intimidate, manipulate, or argue their way through situations to get their desired outcome.  If they sense you backing down, this empowers them further.

The Fear Freak is motivated by anxiety. They fear losing control and are often hyper-vigilant to keep their lives in order. When situations are ambiguous or unpredictable, they break out in a cold sweat and will do anything possible to make their lives emotionally comfortable and orderly.

We don’t usually think of these anxious types as control freaks, but control is exactly what they are seeking. These are the people you may know who over-plan every situation or who constantly appease others to keep the peace. They can’t tolerate the uncomfortable feelings of chaos, disorder, or ambiguity — so they try to manipulate circumstances so they feel safe.

Ironically, sometimes Power Freaks and Fear Freaks have a symbiotic but dysfunctional attraction. The Power Freak sets the rules and the Fear Freak tows the line to maintain emotional stability and order.

The Signs and Symptoms

If you think you may know a control freak — or if you feel a little uneasy thinking you might be one, here are some additional signs and symptoms to watch out for.

Control freaks . . .

• become angry or anxious when someone or something makes them late, when things don’t start on time, or go according to plan;

• have difficulty admitting mistakes, being wrong or misinformed about a situation, or acknowledging that they have changed their minds;

• resist depending on other people or accepting help from them;

• take charge and give orders without being asked when a situation is disorderly or confused;

• must be right (even when they aren’t) in every situation and have the final word;

• must have things done their way because they “know best;”

• over-plan and control the simplest activities or occasions;

• often use emotional manipulation (guilt, pouting) to get their way;

• have many personal routines or rituals that must be followed;

• frequently offer unsolicited advice and criticisms and get insulted when others don’t take the advice;

• spend a lot of time organizing and managing their personal environment and insisting those around them do the same;

• drive aggressively (or too carefully), and tell others how to drive, where to park, what direction to take, etc.;

• want to be in charge of the remote when watching television;

• have perfectionist tendencies and tend to be their own worst critic.

• tend to micromanage people at work.

Why are control freaks so controlling?

Like so many unhealthy behaviors, controlling behavior is the result of fear and anxiety. The controlling person doesn’t trust others and feels he/she is holding everything together. If they drop the ball, the world might fall apart and that is frightening indeed.

Some event or situation in the past likely triggered the control freak’s loss of trust in other people or the world in general. Therefore, the only way to keep the world spinning is to control everything. And that can be exhausting.

Also, control freaks are very uncomfortable with the feeling of helplessness over others. This may have been the result of not getting certain physical or emotional needs met as a child.

To further add to the problem, control freaks often get rewarded for their buttoned-up, high level functioning in the way of promotions and success, but eventually the behavior catches up with them in some not-so-positive ways.

According to Helen Kirwan-Taylor in her 2007 article in The Guardian, control freaks suffer in a variety of ways from their own negative behaviors and needs.

“A study by the University of Bradford Management Centre found that control freaks were more prone to insomnia, palpitations, high blood pressure and chronic fatigue. By their nature, control freaks are not optimists. Seldom are they the life and soul of the party. And it’s not until the company is run to the ground, the employees leave or the wife walks out, that the control freak realizes it’s time to change.”

Ironically, their controlling behavior leads them to the ultimate loss of control when a job or marriage ends, people pull away from them, or they get sick.

How to Deal with a Control Freak

If you are dealing with a control freak in your life, you don’t (and shouldn’t) have to sit back and take it. There are actions you can take to keep a control freak’s freaky behavior under control.

• Verbalize to the person firmly but kindly that you recognize the controlling behavior and won’t put up with it. Don’t give them reason to push you around.

• When the controlling person is your spouse, friend, or business associate, and you must spend time with them, emphasize that you are committed to working as a team, but not in a situation where one person rules over the other.

• Assert yourself when necessary in a calm and levelheaded way. Often bullies will back down when confronted with a strong, mature, and communicative person.

• However, some controlling people may feel threatened when you try to assert yourself, and they may raise their voice, get more verbally aggressive, or act out in some unpleasant way. Stand your ground and don’t back down just to “keep the peace.”

• When control freaks don’t get their way, they sometimes revert to passive aggressive behaviors (like pouting, guilt-trips, or other manipulations) in order to “trick” you into conforming to their demands. Recognize passive aggressive behavior as another form of control, and point it out when you see it.

• Control freaks can throw you off balance with confusing behaviors and words to make you feel at fault. Recognize this for what it is — an attempt to obfuscate in order to control and keep you in place.

• If the controller’s behaviors worry or frighten you (ie: driving dangerously, working too many hours, etc.) attempt to negotiate a behavior change, at least while you are with the person.

• Seek counseling. Unfortunately, many controlling people don’t address the behavior until something bad happens — they are fired, a spouse leaves, a friend drops them. If you are married to a control freak, try marriage counseling before the behavior drives you apart.

• Remove yourself from the person. If you feel you have lost your dignity, identity, security, peace of mind, or happiness as the result of living with or working for a control freak, then it’s time to move on. Don’t allow a control freak to dominate your life and steal your joy.

If you see yourself as a control freak, then you are more than halfway toward making positive change and improving all of your relationships — and your health. Awareness of the problem is a gigantic leap in the right direction.

Controlling behavior is learned behavior, reinforced over years of practice. It will take time to unlearn the automatic responses and negative habits that you’ve carried for years. This will take some dedicated work with a counselor and regular practice to retrain yourself in new ways of behaving and thinking.

Do you know a control freak or live with one? How has it impacted your life and how are you dealing with it?

For further reading . . .

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

How to Get Along with a Control Freak: Understanding the Personality of that Significant Other Who is Trying to Run Your Life (PsychSmart)

If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World

If there is a theme for this blog, it is about being bold in the face of fear.

It is about taking practical actions that will move you forward, even when you are plagued with doubts and insecurity.

It is about being fearless, which by my definition means doing things in spite of fear and thereby conquering it. Or at least diminishing it gradually.

Often we become paralyzed by fear. Our limiting thoughts get the best of us, and we believe that we are alone in our doubts and seeming inabilities. I’ve found that hearing and reading the stories of others who have shared the same fears and insecurities makes me feel not so alone in my own struggles.

I especially like hearing how people have pushed past their fears to accomplish great things or small things that paved the way for great things. Pushing through one fear fosters fearlessness in other endeavors. And sometimes there is one life-altering push that can change the course of everything.

I invited 20 successful bloggers, writers, and coaches to share their answers to the question:

What is one bold and fearless thing you have done that has made a profound positive impact on your life?

Here’s what they had to say . . .

1. Jonathan Fields, Jonathan Fields: author, entrepreneur, and speaker

Here’s the thing. Nothing is fearless. It’s not about eliminating fear, it’s about harnessing the visceral response to the circumstances that give rise to fear and framing it as a source of fuel and possibility, rather than paralysis. 

That said, the scariest, most anxiety producing thing I’ve ever done that has made a profound positive impact on my life has been becoming a dad. There’s no way to study, no way to master a “body of knowledge,” no way to lock down the future, no way to know if you’re doing it right. 

Every day is a dance with uncertainty. But it is also absolute perfection. Snuggles, hugs, kisses, laughing, crying, learning, growing, sharing, exploring, creating, destroying, messing up, getting better, evolving. 

2. Jennifer Boykin, Life After Tampons; midlife reinventionist, writer

After “thinking about it” (which basically means “being afraid of it”) for more than a decade, I have finally taken a chance on my Big Dream to serve other women.  In February, we launched our mid-Life reinvention project, Life After Tampons.  The response to our site has been off-the-charts-amazing, which, of course, further scares the bejeezus out of me.  So, one day at a time, I am showing up to this work and reminding myself that I am not in charge — I am merely the steward for the work.  And here’s the profound positive impact on my life . . . I have found my tribe!  They are the glorious women everywhere who are the real change makers!  Blessed be!  Amen!  Shalom!, etc.

3. Steve Chandler, iMindShift; coach, author, speaker, life-changer

I hired a very expensive coach and then vowed to have my work with him be so scary and transformative that I would make his fee back times ten.

4. Darren Rowse, Problogger,  Digital Photography School, FeelGooder and TwiTip; blogger, photographer, entrepreneur

The first thing that came to mind was a moment many years ago as a child when I did something for the first time that pushed me right out of my comfort zone. 

I was around 10 years of age and on a summer camp for young people. I was a very shy boy — very shy. I had a small group of close friends but was very timid outside of that group.

On the last night of camp there was a camp concert and my group of friends decided that we should participate by miming to an Elvis track — I think it was Blue Suede Shoes. For some reason they all nominated me to be Elvis (I have no idea why).

I was petrified but that night stepped onto the stage and became Elvis. 

Looking back on it now I can only imagine what a cringe-worthy performance I gave but it was a moment in my life where I realized I could break out of my shyness and that I could stand in front of a room of people and be confident. I also realized that doing so came with a real buzz and it was something I wanted to do again.

That moment began a series of other public performances and public speaking opportunities. In turn these led me to discover that I enjoyed and was passionate about communication — particularly public speaking.

That opened many doors for me and has shaped almost everything I’ve done professionally. I’m still shy and get nervous when getting up on a stage — but that little Elvis performance always gives me courage to get up and give my best, although I never did get myself any blue suede shoes.

5. Lori Deschene, Tiny Buddha; blogger and author

This is a tough question to answer, because I don’t believe I’ve done anything that was both bold and fearless—every time I’ve done something bold, I’ve done with a healthy dose of fear!

If I had to name one thing, I’d say writing my first book, Tiny Buddha. I shared a lot of highly personal stories in there, and a big part of me was terrified to expose myself in that way. I knew I wanted to do it, though, because I personally find vulnerable writing to be the most interesting and insightful.

This has had a tremendous impact on my life for a few reasons: for one, I feel as though I’ve really helped people, and that contributes to my sense of purpose and connection; secondly, I did something I previously thought I couldn’t do—write a full book—which makes me feel proud of myself; and lastly, it’s led to a second book, which I’m equally excited about!

6.Alex Blackwell, The Bridgemaker; blogger and author

The one fearless action that has made a positive impact on my life was acknowledging that I needed to change – and then taking action to change. Nine years ago with my marriage on the brink of divorce because of my selfish and career-minded attitude, I stepped outside of my comfort zone and attended a personal formation seminar, which focused on a very simple truth: You cannot change or heal what you do not acknowledge.

Now nine years later, I strive to be present to my own life, and to live in every moment. Understanding the need for change has helped me to strengthen my marriage, rebuild my relationships with my children, and has taught me to love and value myself more – all because I found the courage to be bold, and change.

7.  Stephanie Wetzel, Trading Pounds; blogger, designer, coach, author

I changed the way I see the world. Roadblocks turn into opportunities when you shift your perspective in that way. It’s easy to look at your life and see all that isn’t working. It makes you feel like a victim of circumstance. But when you change that perspective from victim to creator, you empower yourself to begin taking action towards the changes you want to make for your life.

Shifting my perspective gave me the power to change my entire life. Since this moment when I chose to see things differently, I have changed my life completely. In just over two years, I’ve lost 200 pounds, left full-time employment, started my own company, strengthened my relationships, and most importantly, stopped struggling through my life and started enjoying every single moment.

8. Scott Young, Get More from Life;  speed-reading, vegetarian, holistic learning, productivity hacking recent university graduate, blogger

The biggest thing for me was sharing my writing with other people. It can be daunting to put your work out there, since it puts you in the spotlight for criticism and scrutiny. Overcoming that fear helped me a lot, both to improve my skills and to eventually create an audience for my work.

9. Jeff Nickels, My Super-Charged Life; entrepreneur, consultant, training instructor, and military officer, IT director, blogger

I launched my own technology services business essentially without any planning or hardly any forethought when the small company I worked for abruptly announced he was closing the doors immediately. 

I found myself unemployed and in shock.  However, I didn’t let that stop me.  I quickly decided to pursue my entrepreneurial dream of owning a business.  Within days, I was up and running.  I was even fortunate enough to make deals with several clients I had previously done work for under the old company.  It was amazing how it all came together.

This bold and fearless move was one of the greatest learning experiences in my career.  It provided me with the contacts, background and perspective to rise even higher.  I’d encourage people not to over-think opportunities.  You can miss the best breaks in life by getting stuck in analysis paralysis.

10. Tim Brownson, A Daring Adventure; coach, blogger, writer

After vacillating for five years, I finally made a decision (with my wife’s help) in 2004 to leave the UK and move to Orlando in the US. Even though we wildly underestimated the time (it took us two years to get our Green Card), the cost and the red tape we would have to cut through, it has still been well worth it, and we love living over here. Research suggests where people live has little impact on their happiness levels. If that’s the truth then I must be an exception to that rule because wild horses couldn’t drag me to a cold climate now.

11. Evelyn Lim, Abundance Tapestry; life coach, mother, wife, ex-Banker, Singaporean, and an internet entrepreneur

To be honest, I think the periods when I have been bold were those that I encountered tremendous fear. Hence, I won’t exactly call myself “fearless”. I was in a struggle, but at the same time, I was determined to overcome my fear. 

Perhaps one of the boldest thing that I have done happened when I decided to make a commitment to the self.  At that time, because I was in such misery, I decided that enough was enough.  And so I wanted to look deep inside to investigate what my root fears were.  However, even after making the decision, I almost wanted to give up.   I resisted, cried, kicked up a fuss and so on. There was pain and buckets of tears involved, while reviewing some of the difficult events in the past. 

In the past, I would have ignored and suppressed my pain altogether.  But because I had actually made the promise to the self, I held on to the process. Looking into some of my deepest fears was frightening, but I have been so glad that I made it through.  In hindsight, I realize that I must have been rather bold to say yes to a path of inner discovery.  A check around reveals that not many feel up to addressing their personal issues from encountering difficult situations.  A dose of boldness is definitely needed! 

12. Trent Hamm, The Simple Dollar; entrepreneur, blogger, author

The most personally challenging thing I’ve done to improve my life was to reboot my social circle.  It was very hard to slowly end friendships that I had enjoyed for a long time, but I had come to realize that if you include negative people in your life, they’ll dash everything positive you want to do to change your life for the better.

 I made a great effort to seek out new friends and eventually I was able to build a very tight circle of encouraging friends who wanted me to succeed rather than wanting to hold me back through bad habits and negativity.

13. Farnoosh Brock, Prolific Living; author, blogger, speaker, coach

The one bold and fearless thing was a mindset shift when I decided to follow my own gut, my own feelings and my own decisions without the weight of everything and everyone around me. When I decided to fully trust myself and the direction I was choosing my life to go, I made the biggest boldest shift. From that change in perspective and mindset, all my other seemingly fearless decisions have followed from leaving my lucrative corporate career, to getting a boyish haircut, to feeling confident about my present and ultimate success. It may not seem like much, but if you can believe in yourself and trust your decisions and honor your feelings, you will be amazed by what you can accomplish.

14. Peep Laja, ConversionXL, The One Question; web developer, internet marketer, blogger

Living and working abroad. If you always live in the comfort of your home country, you won’t grow to your potential. Moving to a foreign country with a different language and culture, and working with the people over there will change your life dramatically for the better. After you live in a different country, all kinds of parts of you (you maybe even didn’t know of) will be shaped much stronger, and you can develop a super strong self. The real you comes out. 

If you take yourself out of your normal surroundings, go away from the people you’re used to, and stop doing things you’re used to doing, what’s left is the real you. You can invent yourself anew, or discover what part is really you and what’s there because of peer pressure, society and circumstances. You will never know unless you go and live abroad. The more different the place, the better (e.g. it doesn’t count if you’re an American and move to Canada or Australia). 

 (I’m from Estonia, lived and worked 2 years in Dubai, a year in Panama and now in the US). 

15. Tammy Strobel, Rowdy Kittens; writer, blogger, tiny house dweller

Not worrying about what everyone else thinks of me. It took me a lot of years to shrug off expectations from parents, peers, and professional friends. But it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. If I listened to what everyone else told me, I’d never be living in my small house or writing for a living. Doing what you believe in can have a profound impact on your life and the lives of those you love. As Walt Disney said, “If you can dream it, you can do it.” 

16. Jonathan Wells, Advanced Life Skills; blogger and coach

Wanting to completely redefine my life and get off the path I was on, I decided to unplug from everything and set out on a personal quest. So, I left the suburbs of southern California and spent two months camping and exploring in the mountains of southern Oregon. Once I got away from the noise and immersed myself in the solitude of nature, I knew what I needed to do. At 21 years old, I bought land and moved out of California to the forested wilderness of Oregon with nothing more than my jeep, camping gear, and a black cat. Life has been an amazing adventure ever since! 

17. Scott Dinsmore, Live Your Legend; blogger and entrepreneur

Running a 32 mile ultra marathon with very minimal training and with having never run father than 15 miles in the past. A few friends talked me into it and I just thought “what’s the worst that could happen? Either I don’t finish or I do.” I did three long training runs the three weeks prior to the run: 12, 14 and 15 miles. Crossing the finish line changed me in a huge way. It completely expanded my belief of what was possible, both physically and mentally. And since then I have made it a habit of testing these limits. The confidence from that run snowballed into how I looked at my business and the rest of my life. We are capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for. Amazing things happen when you prove yourself wrong! 

18. Dirk deBruin, Upgrade Reality; blogger and entrepreneur

I’d say that the most bold and fearless thing I’ve done to make a huge change in my life is to take action to overcome my shyness and anxiety of social situations. For my whole life until I was around 18 years old, I was very shy, had few friends and was terrified to talk to the opposite sex. I was just sick and tired of living like this and spent the next few years reading and learning everything I could get my hands on how become better socially. This of course also involved countless nights of going out to bars, clubs, shopping malls or where-ever I could find people and start conversations with as many strangers as possible. I cannot imagine how unhappy I’d be if I didn’t put in the time and effort to change my life in this manner.

19. Peter Sinclair, Motivational Memo; heart to heart resuscitation specialist, author, speaker, composer, and motivator

After losing my job, that very day I declared to my family that I would never again work full time for another man. And that was the day I looked around my house and saw what I had – a mop, a vacuum cleaner and some cleaning fluids – and I decided to start our own cleaning business.

So every one of us, as a family, were involved from the start, and within a week of operation, we were up and running and profitable in our own business.

That business sustained us as a family for the next three years before I sold it on to a friend and has led to two decades of owning businesses in four different industries because I boldly decided that I would never again leave my life, nor the life of my family, at the mercy of another.

The results? My two eldest children, in their twenties, are entrepreneurs with their own profitable businesses and my youngest currently holds a management position in one of my companies.

My decision had a profound and positive impact not only on my own life, but also on the lives of my entire family – along with those whom they serve through their entrepreneurial endeavors.

20. Ken Wert, Meant to be Happy; teacher and blogger

I had been nearly a decade in another career. I had a wife and young daughter. But I knew I wanted to teach. It was scary on all fronts. It’s one thing to go to college while you’re young, but altogether another thing to try it with a family. It was financially risky. I didn’t know if I would even land a job when I was done.

Given our lives and schedules, I knew I would lose lots of sleep. As it turned out, I usually got something like 4-5 hours a night while I was getting my degree and credential. Some nights I didn’t really sleep at all. I had to go back to school to get a degree in history, then a teaching credential, then student teach for a year without pay, all the while debt would be mounting. But I knew I wanted it. So I did the bold and fearless thing and dove in head first. It has changed my life and, I like to think, the lives of hundreds of other young lives as I’ve had the opportunity to reach out in small and large ways to my students over the last decade.

What is the most bold and fearless thing you’ve ever done? How has it impacted your life? Please share in the comments below.