A guest post by Jennifer Boykin of Life After Tampons

It’s been nearly twenty years since I held my newborn daughter Grace while she died.

In those days, I thought I would never be free of my sorrow.

But I have been, and there are actually great long stretches of my life when I don’t think about my daughter at all. But on occasion, something will catch my heart, and it brings it all back.

A few weeks ago this happened when I read Barrie’s piece, Grief and Loss: 6
Steps on the Path to Healing.

People will tell you that no one should outlive their child, and they are right.

Nobody wants to be a member of the “parents of dead babies club,” but we are out there. And, having lived through it, I can say – in fact I must say – that, if you really, really want it, you can find a way through your suffering, no matter what you’ve lost.

Here’s what I’ve found:

In order to get through loss, you have to be willing to give up your “story.”

Really, really, it is a very dramatic thing to be the parent of a dead child. And there are individuals and even entire communities who will give you unlimited attention for this for the rest of your life. But is that really the kind of attention you want?

Unless you are willing to give up your story of loss, betrayal, and suffering, you are doomed to carry it forward with you wherever you go. You become defined by your loss — but only to the extent that you choose to hold the loss in your heart and mind. Only to that extent do you squander the possible moments of joy that would have been available to you. The cost of martyrdom is joy.

In order to get through loss, you have to understand the duality of change.

Endings and beginnings are simply the yin and yang of change. One defines the other. And one can never be present without the other.

Thus, if you choose to spend the rest of your days with the love of your life, you “lose” forever the freedoms of your single days. Never again can you just do what you want to do when you want to do it. You trade that freedom for companionship. Loss is intrinsic in every joy that you have ever had.

Indeed, loss is intrinsic in all of life, and yet, as a culture, we seek to deny and avoid loss. Once you understand the futility of expecting a life free of sorrow, you are free to really embrace loving and the absolute breathtaking joy of living!

Sorrow is the bill that comes due for the price of loving. Accept that and you are free.

You can mitigate any loss by harnessing its transformative power.

Grief has an energy of its own. It will have its way with you, until it doesn’t. But you can help yourself through. Learn to set boundaries around your suffering. Make appointments with it, in fact, so that you begin to carve out some
moments where you focus on reclaiming your joy and your light.

Your losses are going to change you.

What this means is that your losses are going to make new discoveries, new soul-places, new visions available to you that were not possible before the loss. Before my baby died, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. And now I do.

All healing is possible.

There is joy in loss because loss is borne in love. There is transformation in loss because the bereaved has a deeper capacity to love. Loss hollows out your soul, and you either get bitter, or you get better. But you can’t have both.

Because I am Grace’s mother, I absolutely know that life is too short,  life is too uncertain, to spend one moment living timidly. We are meant, as Barrie says, to Live Bold and Bloom. But even the most beautiful blossom has a dormant season.

The next time you are suffering, fear it less. Know that this period can be a gift of transformation if you choose life instead of loss.

The only way out is through.

Love yourself gently.

Love yourself more fully.

Embrace and celebrate the love you feel for others.

Yes, there will be suffering when love ends. But only because there was great joy while it was here.

Jennifer Boykin is the founder of Life After Tampons where she helps women at midlife answer the question: “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” She challenges us to “Quit your bitching. Change your life.” Love it! Please jump over and say hello to Jennifer.
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Our Founding Fathers knew how intoxicating the feeling of happiness is.

Do you ever wonder why you procrastinate?

Well stop wondering because it doesn’t matter.

Analyzing why we procrastinate is just another way of procrastinating.

For those of us inclined toward studying the “whys” of human behavior, this is one area where the why just gets in the way of the how.

I could list 100 reasons why we procrastinate, and they might be simply fascinating to study and dissect. But if we really want to stop procrastinating, we need to explore how to stop it rather than why we do it. This, my self-improvement-loving friends, is the time for action — not introspection!

We all procrastinate. No one likes to do what they don’t want to do. If you think you are a far worse procrastinator than the next guy, I can assure you, you aren’t. However, you may not have learned the skills to ignore it,  sidestep it, or laugh in its face. (The notable exceptions here are those who suffer from depression or ADHD. Procrastination can be symptoms of these disorders.)

For the sake of this discussion, let’s talk about procrastination related to tasks that you know must be done rather than habits you want to form or drop. Habit creation or habit dropping are entirely different animals and require a different set of skills. I’ve written about habits before, so you can read those posts to compliment this one if you’d like.

But in general, we all have tasks, chores, projects, decisions, or actions that we put off. Again, it doesn’t matter why. But it goes without saying that we are creatures of comfort. We prefer to do what is fun and easy rather than something that is uncomfortable, tedious, hard, or boring.

As you already know, procrastinating might buy us some short term pleasure or pain-avoidance, but it fosters long-term issues that are equally or more uncomfortable than the task we are avoiding. These include guilt, anxiety, stress, and a sense of low self-worth.

Fortunately, we have this executive level thinking capacity that urges us to do what must be done. And this is the voice that does daily battle with the primordial brain that would rather surf the net or watch TV. (Back in the ancient days, laziness was adaptive in order to conserve energy for survival — slaying beasts and running from enemies.)

So if you want your modern brain to win the battle over your prehistoric adaptations, you have to plan your strategy. You have to remind yourself you are no longer a Neanderthal and that in order to survive in the 21st century, procrastination is the only beast to be slain.

Here are a few ideas to hurl the spear at procrastination once and for all:

1. Awareness and knowledge

In every area of life in which we want to improve, shining the light of reality on the situation is the best first step. Now you know that you don’t have some unique issue with procrastination. It’s just a throwback to your ancient brain, just like so many other behaviors we have. Just as we no longer need to suck our thumbs, we don’t need to procrastinate. We have evolved out of that need.

2. Dis-empower the urges

Don’t give any additional power to the urge to procrastinate. Don’t dwell on the avoidance thoughts or how bad they make you feel. Don’t allow yourself to get lost in the temporary pleasure of whatever is distracting you from your task. Remind yourself that procrastinating is like thumb-sucking. You have grown out of it.

3. Make an appointment

Whatever task or action you are avoiding, make an appointment with yourself to get it done. Put it on your calendar for a specific day and time. Treat it the same way you would treat an appointment with an important client.

4. Remove potential distractions

Once you’ve made the appointment, separate yourself from anything that might tempt you to stray from the task at hand. If it is desk work that requires your computer, clean off your desk, close all other browsers, turn off the phone, and close your door. If it is a physical chore, prepare everything you need in advance so you can optimize the time you’ve allotted for this task.

5. Announce it

Tell people that you are going to complete the task or action during the appointment time and give them a day/time you will finish the it. Create public accountability for yourself to give yourself less wiggle room for avoidance.

6. Communicate with family members

Sometimes other people close to us can unconsciously or consciously sabotage our efforts at ending procrastination. They may have another agenda for you, or perhaps they are procrastinating and want you to join the fun. Communicate your plans for completing your task on your appointment day and ask for support from your family. You may need to rearrange your plans to accommodate your spouse or family, but don’t use this as an excuse to avoid the task altogether.

7. Break it down

If you have a big task or project, and it feels overwhelming, break it down into the smallest possible components. Create a series of easily manageable tasks that you can schedule in your appointment calendar. Remove overwhelm as a potential obstacle to getting it done.

8. Don’t think about it

In the time leading up to your task appointment time, force your thinking away from the task and your feelings of avoidance. If you find yourself dwelling on how much you don’t want to do the task, redirect your thinking to something else entirely. Again, don’t give any additional brain power to the possibility of procrastination.

9. Have a plan B

Emergencies or higher priority tasks can occur that will interrupt your planned task that you put on your appointment calendar. Think in advance about the specific situations that are acceptable interruptions for your appointment. Write them down so you’ll remember. Then set aside a back-up day and time on your calendar if you do get interrupted.

10. Re-calibrate

If you do mess up and miss your appointment, don’t dwell in guilt and self-recrimination. Just set another appointment and try again. Giving power to those bad feelings will only decrease your self-worth, which in turn fosters procrastination. Hit the reset button in your brain and move forward. Every day is a new opportunity to kick procrastination in the butt!

Procrastination is simply a word that represents a feeling. It is a feeling stimulated by an ancient, outdated mental adaptation. You no longer have to hunt or gather, at least not the old-fashioned way!

Just ignore the procrastination urge. Step over it. Push it out of the way. Pretend it doesn’t exist.

If you have something that needs doing, make an appointment and just do it!

For further reading, check out:
Time Warrior: How to defeat procrastination, people-pleasing, self-doubt, over-commitment, broken promises and chaos

The Now Habit: A Strategic Program for Overcoming Procrastination and Enjoying Guilt-Free Play

Eat That Frog!: 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time

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Have you ever noticed the “most popular” blog posts often listed on the sidebar of a blog? These land in that spot based on the numbers of people who have clicked on the post.

I’m always fascinated by the posts that rise to the top of my “most popular” list. It gives me a clear indication of what interests my readers and what is on the top of their minds.  My post called 36 Ways to Be Irresistibly Attractive has been sitting in the number one position for quite a while.

I thought it would be interesting to see the most popular posts of some of my personal development blogging peers. I’ve selected 25 bloggers whose writing I know and respect to link to their most popular post (along with a short excerpt from the post). I hope these resonate with you.

25 Most Popular Personal Development Posts

The Positivity Blog, Henrik Edberg

Most Popular Post: Do You Make These 10 Mistakes in a Conversation?

Excerpt: Ernest Hemingway once said: “I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.” Don’t be like most people. Don’t just wait eagerly for your turn to talk. Put your own ego on hold. Learn to really listen to what people actually are saying. When you start to really listen, you’ll pick up on loads of potential paths in the conversation. But avoid yes or no type of questions as they will not give you much information.

Tiny Buddha, Lori Deschene

Most Popular Post: How to Deal with Criticism Well: 25 Reasons to Embrace It

Excerpt: We can’t control what other people will say to us, whether they’ll approve or form opinions and share them. But we can control how we internalize it, respond to it, and learn from it, and when we release it and move on.

Pick the Brain, Erin Falconer

Most Popular Post: 10 Ways to Instantly Build Self-Confidence

Excerpt: When you focus too much on what you want, the mind creates reasons why you can’t have it. This leads you to dwell on your weaknesses. The best way to avoid this is consciously focusing on gratitude. Set aside time each day to mentally list everything you have to be grateful for. Recall your past successes, unique skills, loving relationships, and positive momentum. You’ll be amazed how much you have going for you and motivated to take that next step towards success.

Change Your Thoughts, Steve Aitchison

Most Popular Post: 100 Ways to Develop Your Mind

Excerpt: 1. Do the Thing You Fear the Most. If there’s one thing that will change your thoughts quicker than anything else, it’s facing your fears. 2. Stand Up for Yourself. A lot of people have difficulty in standing up for themselves. The first time you do it can be very empowering and your thoughts about yourself will change forever.

The Change Blog, Peter Clemens

Most Popular Post: How to Use Your Subconscious to Change Your Life

Excerpt: Before you turn out the light, close your eyes and take one minute to make a request to your subconscious. It can be anything. I would start small and make it open ended. I wouldn’t request to be an astronaut by the end of the month. Your subconscious is good, but not that good.

Abundance Blog, Marelisa Fabrega

Most Popular Post: 54 Tips for Writers, from Writers

Excerpt: The entire writing process is fraught with perils. Many writers would argue that the hardest part of writing is beginning. When asked what was the most frightening thing he had ever encountered, novelist Ernest Hemingway said, “A blank sheet of paper.”

The Bridgemaker, Alex Blackwell

Most Popular Post: A Beautiful Life

Excerpt: Making the choice to see beauty gives me an unfair advantage. My choice allows the opportunity to see life’s subtleties along with the obvious. This perspective gives me the power to appreciate every detail I care to acknowledge. This power is the perfect conduit to happiness. It’s the small things, as well as the large, that create my beautiful life.

Meant to Be Happy, Ken Wert

Most Popular Post: 10 Ways You Can Stop Being So Easily Offended

Excerpt: Talk Yourself out of Being Offended. It can be just that simple. In the heat of the moment, try asking yourself these questions: “What am I getting so bent out of shape for? Does this really matter? What’s the bid deal?” Reason with yourself: “Did he really mean it the way I was just about to take it? Is he truly actually trying to hurt me? Well, then, what is he really trying to say?”

Advanced Life Skills, Jonathan Wells

Most Popular Post: 10 Simple Ways to Be More Likable

Excerpt: Follow the Golden Rule. Simply stated, treat others the way you would like to be treated. The beautiful thing about this is how straight forward it is. Think how different everything would be if everyone followed this simple principle. There would be no crime, no war, and no murder. Granted, we cannot control the actions of other people, but we can control how we behave. When you treat others with this level of respect, they will naturally view you as likable?

A Daring Adventure, Tim Brownson

Most Popular Post: 50 Reasons Why I Suck

Excerpt: What separates happy people from unhappy people is that unhappy people are always thinking about the things they can’t do, got wrong or haven’t achieved etc. That approach only creates unhappiness and lowers self-esteem. The fact is, there will always be way more stuff in the ‘got wrong’ or ‘can’t do’ column than the ‘nailed it!’ column, that’s just how it is.

Prolific Living, Farnoosh Brock

Most Popular Post: Favorite Green Juice Recipes

Excerpt: I was surprised how much I learned by this simple act of juicing vegetables: Developing a new interest in raw foods, realizing the massive number of vegetables I never knew about, and learning which combination produces a recipe suiting the mood, the occasion, the purpose of the juice at that time.

Scott H. Young, Scott Young

Most Popular Post: The Critical 7 Rules to Understand People

Excerpt: To say everyone is completely selfish is a gross exaggeration. That ignores all the acts of kindness, sacrifice and love that make the world work. But I would argue that most (not all, but most) behavior does work from the principles of selfish altruism. Selfish altruism is basically win/win. It is where helping you directly or indirectly helps me.

Momentum Gathering, Katie Tallo

Most Popular Post: A Simple Guide to Eating Like a Human

Excerpt: Then one fateful day, Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of organic strawberries and they found a case of liquid strawberry-flavoured meal replacements instead. Life quickly went downhill. Jill began counting calories. Jack super-sized his food and wanted it real fast.

Marc and Angel Hack Life, Marc and Angel

Most Popular Post: 50 Things Everyone Should Know How to Do

Excerpt: Self-reliance is a vital key to living a healthy, productive life.  To be self-reliant one must master a basic set of skills, more or less making them a jack of all trades.  Contrary to what you may have learned in school, a jack of all trades is far more equipped to deal with life than a specialized master of only one.

Jonathan Fields, Jonathan Fields

Most Popular Post: Everyone Wants Better. No One Wants Change

Excerpt: People want a better economy, but nobody’s willing to share in the financial hit it’ll take to get us back on track. People want better schools, but nobody wants to rock the system, the unions, the teachers, the role of parents. People want lower health care costs, but nobody wants to endure the changes to medicine, law and bureaucracy it’ll take to get it.

One With Now, Manal Ghosein

Most Popular Post, What If No One Remembered You or Cared About What You Do?

Excerpt: From my perspective, I believe we are here to experience life as it unfolds in the eternal now. We are part of an evolutionary process and we may never be able to fully grasp its purpose or magnitude. In our effort to change what we don’t like throughout the millennia, we commit all sorts of violence toward life in all its forms and try to subjugate each other to our view—the supposedly better view—of how things should be.

Think Simple Now, Tina Su

Most Popular Post, 31 Life Lessons in 31 Years

Excerpt: You will never be ready for what you want to do. The trick is to just start it anyway, and to develop the discipline to work at it consistently. Taking baby steps in the direction you want to go means that you will eventually get there.

Goodlife Zen, Mary Jaksch

Most Popular Post: Zen and the Art of Ninja Productivity

Excerpt: In order to be productive, we need all our energy to be channeled. Think of a stream: when it flows freely, the water rushes along – right from the mountains to the sea. But if you build dams, divert the course of the stream, or choke it with rubble, the stream will have to use a lot of energy to circumvent or overcome the barriers in its way.

Motivational Memo, Peter Sinclair

Most Popular Post: More Motivational Quotes That Have Changed People’s Lives

Excerpt: So here are even more contributions that have been made in response to that request. Maybe you have a quote that you would also like to share with us. In addition to the quotes some of the contributors – whose names appear at the front of each of the quotes – have added some of their own personal insights into the quotes.

A Beautiful Ripple Effect, Carolyn Rubenstein

Most Popular Post: How to Begin to Cultivate Hope After Failing

Excerpt: What most people aren’t prepared for is how to cope with the reality of hitting the ground. It’s not pretty—definitely not the fairy tale story that has been growing for years in your mind. And once you’re there on the ground, it hurts… a lot. Your ego is bruised. More than that, your ability to dream and act on your dreams becomes painfully difficult.

Everyday Bright, Jennifer Gresham

Most Popular Post: Why I Fired My Father (and Maybe You Should Too)

Excerpt: Growing up, things were pretty tense in our house. One minute my dad would entertain me by reciting poems from Longfellow and the next he’d complain my birth had ruined his marriage. He also had the weird habit of hiding under trees every time a plane flew over the house. It only got worse when my mother passed away. I realized he wasn’t just moody and a little “off.” He was clinically depressed, highly paranoid, and quickly becoming unpredictable.

Becoming Minimalist, Joshua Becker

Most Popular Post: The 10 Most Important Things to Simplify In Your Life

Excerpt: Too many material possessions complicate our lives to a greater degree than we ever give them credit. They drain our bank account, our energy, and our attention. They keep us from the ones we love and from living a life based on our values. If you will invest the time to remove nonessential possessions from your life, you will never regret it.

Illuminated Mind, Jonathan Mead

Most Popular Post: How to Quit Your Day Job

Excerpt: Well, it turns out there is a lot more that goes into quitting your job than just creating a self sustaining income. You’ll have to figure out how to talk to your family and partner about it, set and stick to a firm date, and create a savings fund to cushion your transition (unless you prefer no safety net when you jump).

The Bold Life, Tess Marshall

Most Popular Post, 75 Steps for a Fear-less Life

Excerpt: Everyone has fears. Not everyone makes a big deal out of them. Some people learn to cope with fear, and others embrace fear. Fear is an illusion, a distortion of reality. Most fear is about a future event. Most fears never materialize. Fears are stories and beliefs your ego would have you believe. Don’t believe them.

Trading Pounds, Stephanie Wetzel

Most Popular Post: 45 Simple Actions to Start Losing Weight

Excerpt: Most Americans are eating two to three times the serving size of foods. I did an unscientific study of this in my best friend’s kitchen—she thought she was eating a serving of her favorite cereal (1 cup), it was actually 3.5 servings. Between the milk and the cereal, this is a difference of around 400 calories every time.

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Do you know your personality type based on the Myers-Briggs personality assessment?

If not, this is a tremendously beneficial tool in helping you understand yourself, your motivations and behavior, and how you interact with the people around you. And knowing the personality types of the people close to you is extremely helpful in understanding them and how you can best relate to them.

Based on the personality type theories of Carl Jung, The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) assessment is a questionnaire designed to measure a person’s preferences in how they perceive the world and make decisions. The original developers of the personality inventory were Katharine Cook Briggs and her daughter, Isabel Briggs Myers, as a way of helping woman during WWII identify the sort of war-time jobs where they would be happiest and most effective.

Jung’s type model suggests that individuals are either born with, or develop, certain preferred ways of thinking and acting. The Myers-Briggs test sorts some of these psychological differences into four opposite pairs that arrange into 16 possible psychological types. Briggs and Myers determined that a person naturally prefers one overall combination of type differences.

The four preferences identified by Jung are:

1. Extroversion (E) or Introversion (I): Do you prefer to focus on the outer world or your own inner world? Do you draw energy internally or externally?

2. Sensing (S) or Intuition (N): Do you prefer to focus on the basic information you take in or do you prefer to interpret and add meaning?

3. Thinking (T) or Feeling (F): When making decisions do you prefer to first look at logic and consistency or first look at people and special circumstances?

4. Judging (J) or Perceiving (P): In dealing with the outside world, do you prefer to get things decided, or do you prefer to stay open to new information and options?

Once your preference is determined in each category, your personality
type is expressed as a four-letter code. For example, I am an INFJ (introverted, intuitive, feeling, judging).

You can take a look at the 16 possible personality types here with a brief description of each type. You might be able to guess your own type by reading these descriptions, but to get a thorough result of your type, you will need to take the Myers-Briggs assessment.

What I like most about the Myers-Briggs assessment is that it has stood the test of time and is known for accuracy and reliability. It has been well-researched and continues to meet accepted standards for psychological instruments.It’s the gold standard.

Therefore, the results you get for your personality type are a reliable key to the door of self-awareness, as well as understanding and relating to others. I’ll use my own personality type (INFJ) as an example.

Here’s a very basic description of an INFJ:

Seeks meaning and connection in ideas, relationships, and material possessions. Wants to understand what motivates people and is insightful about others. Conscientious and committed to their firm values. Develops a clear vision about how best to serve the common good. Organize and decisive in implementing their vision.

So let’s take a look at how knowing my type can help me in three key areas of my life.

Personal Growth

Knowing and understanding your type can support personal growth, achieving life balance, self-awareness, and creative endeavors. Although your personality type doesn’t change over time, each preference helps you in different ways at various stages of life, from puberty to old age.

According to personalitypage.com, here is one area of personal growth that is important to the development of an INFJ:

To grow as an individual, the INFJ needs to focus on applying their judgment to things only after they have gone through their intuition. In other words, the INFJ needs to consciously try not to use their judgment to dismiss ideas prematurely.

An INFJ who is concerned with personal growth will pay close attention to the subject of their judgments and their motivation for making judgments.

Therefore, understanding that intuition plays a key role in how I assess situations, make decisions, and interact with people helps me know to spend more time in reflection and inner awareness before I reach conclusions.

Relationships

When you understand these 16 personality types and know your own type and the types of those close to you, you can more readily appreciate and accept the differences between you. Instead of labeling a person’s behavior and personality as “good or bad” or making value judgments about them, you can begin to view their behavior as a natural part of who they are.

For couples, this knowledge allows you to identify areas of difference that may cause conflict so that you can proactively navigate these differences with love and understanding. It can also help you understand how to best guide your children or have empathy for “difficult” family members who simply approach life differently than you do.

Here’s what personalitypage.com says about INFJ’s and relationships:

INFJs are warm, considerate partners who feel great depth of love for their partners. They enjoy showing this love and want to receive affirmation back from their mates.

They are perfectionists, constantly striving to achieve the Perfect Relationship. This can sometimes be frustrating to their mates, who may feel put upon by the INFJs demanding perfectionism. However, it may also be greatly appreciated, because it indicates a sincere commitment to the relationship, and a depth of caring which is not usually present in other types.

INFJ’s natural partner is the ENTP or the ENFP. INFJ’s dominant function of Introverted Intuition is best matched with a personality type that is dominated by Extraverted Intuition.

Having an understanding of your type can help you make the best possible choice in a life partner. But more importantly, it can help you learn to respect each other and manage differences amicably. When all members of a family understand type, they are less likely to assume polarizing, defensive positions that lead to conflict or misunderstandings.

Career

Understanding your type is essential to successful career planning, even while you are a student.  It can steer you to the best choices of subjects and majors in school, as well as provide a framework for choosing your career, advancing in your job, or even changing careers later in life.

People often have have trouble finding their passion and defining the work they enjoy and feel comfortable doing. Personality type is a practical tool for narrowing the field of careers and jobs within particular career fields that are best suited to your natural preferences.

Here’s what personalitypage.com says about INFJ’s and career:

The INFJ is a special individual who needs more out of a career than a job. They need to feel as if everything they do in their lives is in sync with their strong value systems – with what they believe to be right. Accordingly, the INFJ should choose a career in which they’re able to live their daily lives in accordance with their deeply-held principles, and which supports them in their life quest to be doing something meaningful.

The Myers-Briggs test was what inspired me to change careers at age 48. Although I was in a good INFJ career (public relations), it wasn’t the perfect fit. Counseling and coaching were the two careers that kept popping up for me, and I ultimately went back to school to become certified as a personal and career coach. And I continue to use my public relations, marketing, and writing skills here on my blog! It’s the perfect combination for me.

If you already know your type, I encourage you to read as much as possible about it so that you can gain more understanding about yourself and those around you. If you don’t know your type, consider taking the assessment to find out. You can take it through the Myers-Briggs Foundation. For more information on types, I’d suggest reading Please Understand Me II: Temperament, Character, Intelligence.

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The other day a friend proudly announced to me that she never reads “self-help” books or blogs.

“Why do I need someone else to tell me how to live my life? I know how to live my life,” she countered when I suggested that many self-help materials actually provide transformative information. She is a practical, no-nonsense person who feels that no one is better at solving her problems than she is.

There is certainly truth to her opinion. Ultimately it is up to each of us to make the changes and take the actions for improving our lives.

And there’s also truth to her assertion that a certain type of “touchy-feely” person (her words) reads self-help materials more than other types of people. I’ve actually noticed that myself.

If you look at the 16 Myers Briggs personality types, it seems (anecdotally) that the types with the NF (intuitive, feeling) functions tend to be more inclined toward self-reflection, personal development, truth seeking, and other introspective pursuits for overall life improvement.

But as a touchy-feely type myself, I think everyone can benefit from personal development reading and study — even the non-NF types (maybe especially the non-NF types!).

Those not inclined toward self-examination may never realize that something needs fixing until it is broken (like a relationship problem, getting fired from a job, sinking into a depression). Sometimes the areas where we are weakest are the places we need to focus the most attention.

I’m probably preaching to the choir here since most of you are “touchy feely” types as well! But “self-help” does get a bad rap sometimes, and it’s good to reinforce the real benefits that reading, seeking, and reflection offer everyone. Plus, I’m sure you know someone like my friend who just might benefit from this post!

In one regard, I do agree with the anti-self-help crowd. At some point you have to get your nose out of the book or blog and actually do something.

It’s one thing to have an “ah ha” moment but quite another to transform that moment into an actionable strategy for life change. (That’s where our practical non-NF’s might come in handy!)

You can’t just sit on your enlightened butt. As the old African proverb goes, “When you pray, move your feet.”

And any personal development or self-help writer or blogger worth their salt isn’t going to leave you at the “ah ha.” They’re going to give you the next steps toward creating a better life. They are going to offer you possible ideas and strategies for taking action. Of course, foot-moving batteries are not included.

Here’s what I’ve gained from being a personal development and self-help devotee for most of my adult life. Feel free to add to this list of 15 darned good reasons why self-help actually helps!

1. Joy of learning. I have a profound curiosity about people, the meaning of life, our purposed here on Earth, and what different people have to say about it. Learning about these things makes me happy.

2. Humility. The more I read, study, and learn, the more I realize that I do not have all of the answers. In fact, pulling one thread of questioning often leads to the unraveling of your entire life philosophy. Which in turn leads to more study and reflection. I have learned that I am not the final word on anything.

3. Self-acceptance. This is one of the most liberating results of my self-help pursuits. Through all of my reading and study, especially of from people like Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle, I’ve come to like and accept myself just as I am.

4. Conflict resolution. Learning to handle conflict, especially in your love relationship, is a skill that must be mastered. It doesn’t come naturally to most of us. Left to our own devices, we are like children fighting over candy.

5. Prioritizing. Personal development reading has helped me prioritize what is most important in my life. You can’t do or have everything, and this knowledge has forced me to sit down and make tough decisions about where I want to focus my time and energy. But I am so much more productive now in areas I really like.

6. True happiness. It took a long time of study and introspection to really grasp that sustained happiness didn’t come from a lot of money, a big house, or nice things. It comes from relationships, experiences, altruism, creativity, and meaning.

7. Meaningful work. Without personal growth and self-work, I never would have discovered the work I feel passionate about and that is meaningful to me. Loving my work has hugely impacted my life for the better.

8. An easier life. Through reading personal development blogs, I’ve come to embrace that simplifying your life in all areas makes life much easier, less stressful, and much more enjoyable.

9. Freedom from anxiety. I’m still working on this one every day, but I’ve learned through my reading that living in the moment frees you from anxiety about the future. Rarely is there something in the moment that is anxiety-producing (except fear of the future).

10. Appreciation for people. I have learned that you cannot control or change other people. So you can choose to continue to battle against their “flaws” or accept and appreciate them for who they are. The latter is much nicer.

11. The power of perception. My friend and fellow coach Steve Chandler really helped me with this one in his books. How you perceive things defines the reality for you. Change your perceptions and you change the situation.

12. Creative impetus. I’ve learned you don’t have to wait for life to come to you. You can create what you want rather than react to events. And if you can’t create for some reason, you can be creative in your reactions.

13. Freedom from struggling. Through my learning, I’ve discovered that struggling against anything isn’t nearly as productive as flowing with. When I find myself struggling, I’ve learned to stop and find a path with less resistance.

14. The real art of attraction. For a while, I was all over “the law of attraction.” But I’ve since learned that “the law of action” works far better. In fact, when I act, I become more attractive.

15. A constant support system. I have stacks of great books, lists of amazing blogs, all at my fingertips whenever I need inspiration, reminders, emotional support, guidance, and wisdom. Having access to self-help materials is like having a stable of wise and loving counselors at your beck and call.

Frankly, I don’t know what I’d do without them!

What about you — how has self-help helped you? Please share in the comments below.

If you enjoy personal development and self-help courses and products, please check out The Empowerment Pack, over 30 products from 25 top bloggers at a 90% discount! But it closes for good on Thursday, January 19 at 9:00 a.m. EST.

On Monday, January 16,  my partner Stephanie and I launch The Empowerment Pack, starting at 9:00 a.m. EST.

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Have you ever been excluded from something?

A club or team? Or maybe the life of the rich, beautiful, skinny, or successful?

You feel like an outsider with your nose pressed up against the window, looking at all of the sparkly fun inside that you don’t get to experience.

That feeling of being left out, excluded, not part of the real fun, is one of the loneliest feelings in the world. What is it that they’ve got that you don’t? What is it that you are missing that holds you back?

The truth is, you don’t need to be rich, beautiful, successful, or invited to join the club to be happy and confident.

You just need to empower yourself.

In my previous post, The 20 Most Life-Altering Concepts I’ve Ever Embraced, one reader (Paige) commented that I’d left off an important concept. Here’s what she said:

A big one that I would like to add is taking personal responsibility. For years I thought I understood this but really didn’t. I didn’t want to admit it but I did a lot of blaming. At a very low point in my life when I felt that nothing I did was working (I used to be a control freak too), I felt like I gave up. In hindsight I realized that I didn’t give up, I just decided to accept everything and everyone the way they were. I let my feelings be known and accepted whatever came next. Now I take full responsibility for my actions and my circumstances. When things aren’t the way I would like them to be, I look at how I got myself into the situation and how I can get myself out. I apologize more. I feel more open and compassionate of others. Things are easier and I’m a lot happier.

The essence of self-empowerment is personal responsibility– taking full and complete control and accountability for you own life and circumstances. And this is both liberating and totally scary.

It’s liberating because taking full responsibility for your life means you . . .

• make your own choices and decisions;

• live according to your own personal operating system and values;

• are free from the anxiety of living up to the expectations of others;

• experience the joy of being authentically yourself.

But it’s frightening because you . . .

• can no longer blame others for your failures and disappointments;

• can’t cling to childish, dependent security from others;

• have to let go of the “old you,” even if that person was holding you back.

However, once you empower yourself through personal responsibility, those fears begin to dissipate. And like Paige, you find that things are easier and life is more enjoyable because you are creating it on your own terms rather than reacting to it.

So what are the secrets to living a self-empowered life? The real secret is awareness. Once you are aware that you are giving away your power through fear and blaming, you are more than halfway there. But there are some specific mind shifts and actions that can help you.

Examine Yourself

Take a hard look at your life to see where you might be giving away your power. How are you letting other people define or control you or your behavior? Who are you blaming for your situation? What is your contribution to a conflict or life circumstance? What are you avoiding and what excuses are you giving yourself and others?

Kill the Victim

Self-empowered people don’t see themselves as victims. They view themselves as a creator, a catalyst, an exemplar, a thriver. To take control of your own life, you must let go of the victim mentality. You may not even recognize you embrace a victim mentality. It could be deeply entrenched in your psyche from being victimized in the past. Sometimes it even feels good to be a victim because it brings sympathy and attention. But that’s all you get from it. And sympathy and attention aren’t enough for a happy life.

Drop Your Story

Part of being a victim involves perpetuating a “story” about yourself that you repeat to explain why you are who you are and why you behave the way you do. All of us have these stories, and they are based in truth. You had a bad childhood. Your lover left you. You have an addictive personality. Everyone has suffered, and some have had truly horrifying or debilitating life events. But if you use these situations as the constant backdrop for your life, you will never escape being the leading character of a sad story. The more you reinforce your story, the more entrenched you become in it.

Fake It Until You Feel It

Becoming a self-empowered person doesn’t happen overnight. You have to practice. You need to do the things that self-empowered people do until you gain mastery and confidence. Begin by actively shifting your thoughts away from victim language and toward success language. Try to catch yourself in thoughts of blame, shame, guilt, or self-pity. Then replace those thoughts with words of gratitude, self-love, and acceptance. Begin supporting your new thinking with action. Where you once said, “I can’t, I’m too weak, I’m too afraid,” take one small action in the direction of “you can.” Every small action will empower you.

Seek Reinforcement

Contrary to popular belief, self-empowered people embrace positive support. Asking for help does not mean you are weak or incapable. It means you are empowered enough to take full responsibility for your own personal evolution. It means you are seeking portals to expedite your awareness, confidence, and knowledge. This help can come in the form of books, courses, therapy, coaching, and the counsel of friends and family. Everyone, even the most self-empowered, can benefit from the support and insights of others who have our best interest at heart.

If you would like to begin or continue your journey of self-empowerment, I invite you check out The Empowerment Pack. This is a package of over 25 self-improvement and personal growth products from 25 of the top personal development bloggers, coaches, counselors, and experts on the Internet. You will get over $1000 worth of products for a 90% discount — but for 3 days only beginning Monday, January 16 at 9:00 am EST.

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Do you have one life lesson or philosophy that has changed the course of your life?

Sometimes you can read something or have a life experience that hits you over the head with its brilliance and perfection. A huge mind shift takes place, and your life is forever altered for the better.

These can be years in the making or overnight sensations. I’ve had my share of both, and even the overnight sensations can take years to fully assimilate in my psyche.

But the important thing  is the discovery of these concepts and how you apply them to your life. Once you realize these great truths are out there, it becomes a lifelong quest to discover more of them.

That’s what personal development is all about — the ongoing search for the truths that will set us free to be who we are and to live our best possible lives.

Through my adult years, there have been many of these concepts that I’ve discovered (or that have hit me over the head) along the way. I’ve chosen 20 to share with you that have impacted me most profoundly. And I’ve suggested a resource for further reading on the topic.

1. The Power of the Present Moment

It has taken me a long time to fully grasp this one, but the power of now is probably the most life-changing concept I’ve embraced. Our entire lives are comprised of present moments, so what we do in each moment and how we choose to view our current circumstances is what determines our happiness. Don’t fritter them away — make each moment count.

Resource: The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, by Eckhart Tolle

2. Don’t Struggle with Reality

What is happening is supposed to happen because it is happening. That sounds simple, but most of us resist our circumstances and argue with reality. As teacher and author Byron Katie reminds, “If you want reality to be different than what it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark.” When we stop opposing reality, and accept exactly what is, it frees us for creative thought and action based on truth.

Resource: Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life, by Byron Katie

3. Let the Future Unfold

This is a hard one for those of us who are planners and goal-setters. You can still plan and set goals, but hold on to them loosely. Steer your boat in the direction of your dreams, but then let the current and wind carry you forward. Don’t worry or fret about what’s around the next bend. The future has a way of taking care of itself.

Resource: Release the Future (Marianne Williamson L.A. Lecture Series)

4. Simplify Everything

I spent half of my adult life making things busier and more complicated — only to realize that busyness, things, and complications were sucking the joy out of living. When you do and have few things, you have more time to savor them fully and focus on what affords you the most pleasure and fulfillment.

Resource: Simplify Your Life: 100 Ways to Slow Down and Enjoy the Things That Really Matter, by Ellen St. James

5. Let Go of Attachments

This goes along with simplifying. And the act of simplifying certainly helps you recognize your attachments. You’ll see what I mean when you start to give away a perfectly good suit that you haven’t worn in ten years. Suddenly that suit looks really necessary. But once you do let go, you never look back. And suddenly you are lighter and freer than ever before.

Resource: The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide: How to Declutter, Organize, and Simplify Your Life,by Francine Jay

6. Don’t Believe Your Thoughts

This one was so liberating for me. For the longest time, I believed my thoughts were the definitive truth about reality. If I thought it, it must be the way it is. Now I realize that often my thoughts are completely wrong or just one perspective on truth. It is always good to find evidence to support the opposite of your thoughts, especially negative and limiting thoughts.

Resource: Don’t Believe Everything You Think: The 6 Basic Mistakes We Make in Thinking, by Thomas Kida

7. You Can Train Your Brain

The science of neuroplasticity has changed everything about the way I view my capacity for learning and adapting to new things. Our brains are not rigidly mapped as scientists once assumed. Our brains are capable of rewiring to accommodate new learning and reinforce new behaviors well into old age. Even visualizing alone can strengthen areas in our physical and mental lives.

Resource: The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science, by Norman Doidge, M.D.

8. Focus on the Task at Hand

This is the most practical and productive concept I’ve embraced. I’ve heard it for years, but my friend Leo Babauta of Zen Habits made it real for me. He showed me how to clear everything off my desk, pick one important thing, and give that one thing the time and attention it deserved for a fixed amount of time. Now I’m not distracted and pulled in other directions.

Resource: Focus: A simplicity manifesto in the Age of Distraction, by Leo Babauta

9. Don’t Overthink

Historically I’ve had  a tendency to let my mind whir off on over-thinking tangents. I believed I could think my way out of a problem or into a great decision. Some amount of thinking might be required for these situations, but at some point you get stuck like a gerbil on a wheel. I’ve discovered some brain tricks to help me get off that wheel and break free of over-thinking.

Resource: Women Who Think Too Much: How to Break Free of Overthinking and Reclaim Your Life, by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema

 10. Find Your Passion

I went for years thinking I didn’t have a passion. Finally, at age 48, I did the work necessary to learn what makes me really happy and how to apply it to my life and work. This work is often ignored or put off, but it is the only way to learn how to create your life by design rather than by reaction.

Resource: Discover Your Passion: A Step-by-Step Course for Creating the Life of Your Dreams, By Barrie Davenport

11. Live Through Your Values

Your core values should be the blueprint for everything else in your life. Until I did the self-work mentioned above, I didn’t give my values a lot of thought. But if your life is aligned with your values, then you have a purpose and guide for every decision and action.

Resource: What Matters Most : The Power of Living Your Values, by Hyrum W. Smith

12. Stop Pleasing People

If your life is defined by pleasing others, winning their approval, or keeping them from disappointment, you are living a false life. You can’t be authentic and live this way. This impossible goal only reinforces low self-esteem and unhappiness. Once liberated from the pleasing addiction, you are free to be yourself and love yourself.

Resource: The Disease To Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome, by Harriet B. Braiker

13. Whine Less, Give More

The more I talk about my problems and focus on them, the worse they seem — and the worse I feel. I’ve discovered when I feel bad about my life, I go do something for someone else. Then I feel better. It’s amazing how that works — but only every time.

Resource: The Power of Serving Others: You Can Start Where You Are, by Gary Morsch

14. It’s Never Too Late

Using age as an excuse just doesn’t hold water. We can do most anything we want to well into old age. Why not live every single day learning, growing, and having bold adventures?

Resource: Age Doesn’t Matter Unless You’re a Cheese, by Kathryn and Ross Petras

15. Focus on Your Top 20%

Rather than trying to do it all, pick what is most important and spend your time and energy on those things. This all ties in with simplifying and focusing on the task at hand, but it’s the bigger picture. Look at all areas of your life, and decide the top 20%. Let everything else fall away.

Resource: The 80/20 Principle: The Secret to Achieving More with Less, by Richard Koch

16. Happiness Is (Partly) a Choice

Our genes and circumstances account for half of our happiness levels, but the other half is totally in our control. That allows for a big heap of happiness if we choose it. I learned so much about what can foster happiness from this resource book.

Resource: The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want, by Sonja Lyubomirsky

17. There’s Nothing to Fear

Unless we are in imminent danger, most fears are projections about a perceived future. By staying the present moment (see #1), you will see there is nothing to fear. Right now, everything is just fine.

Resource: Fearless: Creating the Courage to Change the Things You Can, by Steve Chandler

18. Create vs. React

Most of us spend our lives in reaction mode. Life throws things at us, and we respond accordingly. But you can flip that around and take control. Once you do that passion and value work mentioned above, you have the tools to create an extraordinary life by your design.

Resource: Shift your Mind: Shift the World, by Steve Chandler

19. Action is the Answer

When you don’t know what to do, just do something. When you feel afraid, do something. When you don’t want to start, do something. Any action, tiny action, will give you momentum. And that gets the ball rolling forward.

Resource: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey

20. Stay Open to Possibilities

I love author Shakti Gawain’s quote, “This or something better now manifests for me in totally satisfying and harmonious ways, for the highest good of all concerned.” When you aren’t too attached to outcomes and remain open, you might get something better than you bargained for!

Resource: Creative Visualization: Use the Power of Your Imagination to Create What You Want in Your Life, by Shakti Gawain

What concepts or life lessons have changed your life for the better? Please share in the comments.

Special Note: On January 16, along with my partner Stephanie Wetzel of Trading Pounds, we will launch The Empowerment Pack, a package of over 25 personal development and self-improvement courses, books, and guides for a 90% discount off the regular prices of these products. You can sign up now for the waiting list for this special 3-day only promotion.

Are you suffering the pain and grief from some kind of loss in your life?

If so, I extend thoughts of loving kindness your way.

If so, I can empathize with you.

Some years of your life are characterized by loss, and this has been such a year for me — maybe for you too. I have experienced loss by death, betrayal, promises broken, children growing, my youth departing, and people changing in ways I’d not anticipated.

These are all normal life disruptions, but this year they have crashed together like a 10-car pile-up, happening so quickly one after another that I’ve barely had time to catch my breath.

None of them alone have been debilitating, but the accumulative effects of all of them have found me falling in potholes of grief that appear unexpectedly. One moment all is well, the next my heart is in a vice, and I’ve completely lost my footing.

If you are experiencing loss, and the grief from loss, you know what I mean.

The big losses, like death and divorce, serve up enough platefuls of grief to keep you reeling for months or years. But even less dramatic life events and changes can feel like profound loss and cause us plenty of pain and heartache. These are some of them:

• Moving from one place to another.

• Having your children leave home.

• A friend moving away.

• Friendships or other relationships ending or changing.

• Acknowledging personal or emotional changes in yourself.

• Changing jobs or losing your job.

• Seeing the effects of aging.

• Being ill or incapacitated and unable to do things you once did.

• Clearing out clutter and stuff from your home.

• Watching businesses you frequented close or go out of business.

• Letting go of a plan or dream by choice or necessity.

• Watching your parents decline.

• Coming to terms with your faith or lack of faith.

• Feeling you have no life purpose or mission.

• Acknowledging your own or another person’s imperfections.

• Having the emotions of past losses triggered by the season or other reasons.

• Having a beloved pet die.

If one or more of these situations resonates with you, please know that you aren’t alone with your feelings of grief and loss. With life change, even positive life change, comes loss. And with loss comes the very human process of grief over letting go and moving on with life.

When you are grieving, it feels as though you are so very alone with your grief. No one else can understand what you have lost, and you don’t want to burden others with your sadness or pain. This misconception often forces us into isolation or even depression, because we suffer internally and alone.

Repressing and hiding your pain doesn’t really fool others, and it certainly doesn’t help you. I’ve found that living through your grief and exposing it in appropriate and safe ways is the healthiest way to heal and move on to live fully and joyfully again.

Here are six steps to moving through grief and loss and finding your way toward healing:

1. Identify the source and acknowledge your loss

Sometimes this is quite obvious — if you are going through a divorce or have lost a loved one. Other times you might be grieving a loss, but you aren’t quite sure what that loss is. Look deeply at the changes going on in your life and let yourself experience the feelings that arise with each of them. Try to identify the situations that bring up sadness or pain for you.

Once you know the cause, acknowledge to yourself and to those close to you that you are grieving. Pretending that everything is OK when it really isn’t can cause you additional stress and will force you to repress the feelings you are experiencing. But these feelings will eventually appear in unhealthy ways like depression, anxiety, and anger.

2. Allow yourself to cry

When you feel teary, let yourself cry. Tears are the body’s release valve for stress, sadness, grief, anxiety and frustration.

In fact, emotional tears get rid of stress hormones and other harmful toxins caused by stress. Those who won’t let themselves cry during times of sadness and grief are contributing to the buildup of stress hormones and weakening their bodies’ immune system which can lead to stress-induced disorders.

Psychologists have known for a long time that weeping is an important part of  confronting your grief and healing it.

3. Talk about it

I am a talker and must share my feelings in order to heal. Other people are more private about their pain and grief. But talking out problems, especially in a safe and supportive environment, has proven to promote self-healing through emotional disclosure. Talk therapy with a trained counselor is tremendously beneficial in dealing with grief and loss.

Talk therapy allows you to discuss issues that may be too difficult or painful to discuss with other people in your life and to process and work through these issues with a detached third party. In fact, talk therapy has proven to be more effective than antidepressants in treating mood disorders.

Talking with close and supportive friends and family members certainly can be helpful as well, but they are often too close to you and the situation to provide unbiased assistance. If you don’t think you can afford counseling, check out this information on finding free or low cost therapy.

4. Treat yourself lovingly

When you are experiencing grief and loss, your energy and mood are low. You may have physical pains, headaches, anxiety, crying spells and other symptoms of grief. This isn’t the time to “push through” and force yourself to maintain your schedule or preoccupy yourself with additional tasks or projects.

Instead, give yourself a break. Treat yourself lovingly and gently. Do what feels comforting and familiar. Take a bath or a long walk. Get a massage. Listen to peaceful music. Go to a funny movie. Eat a big bowl of soup. Get enough sleep.

When you are feeling sad, try to stay away from alcohol or other depressants. They will only make you feel worse.

Also, stay away from sad or upsetting movies or television. Try not to isolate yourself. Spend time with friends and family, even if it’s just to have them nearby.

5. Focus on gratitude

In spite of your loss, there are many good things in your life. Remind yourself of these. Write them down. If someone close to you has died, write down good memories and qualities of that person.

If you are going through a divorce, remind yourself of the blessings the marriage brought to you. If you are going through a change, look for the positive aspects of this change that you can eventually enjoy.

Grief and pain seem to overwhelm all aspects of our lives, and we forget that we have so many good things around us. Even if you aren’t feeling grateful, acknowledge those good things. The positive feelings will eventually follow.

6. Be patient

As you know, grieving is a process. Depending on the cause of your grief and loss, you may go through a variety of stages before you finally work through it.

Disbelief, anger, resistance, denial, acceptance, and healing can all be part of the process of grieving a loss.

Don’t be surprised by your feelings or try to talk yourself out of them. Allow yourself to feel them and acknowledge them, and eventually they will pass.

Feelings of loss and grief are temporary — even though you may feel forever stuck in painful emotions. We all eventually heal and find ways to move forward with our lives.

If you are grieving a loss in your life, I encourage you to reach out to someone for support. If you know someone who is grieving, I hope you will reach out to them with words of love and encouragement.

Special Note: On January 16, along with my partner Stephanie Wetzel of Trading Pounds, we will launch The Empowerment Pack, a package of over 25 personal development and self-improvement courses, books, and guides for a 90% discount off the regular prices of these products. You can sign up now for the waiting list for this special 3-day only promotion.

Habit is a cable; we weave a thread each day, and at last we cannot break it.  ~Horace Mann

Whether or not you make New Year’s resolutions, the beginning of a new year is a psychological trigger for starting fresh.

After all of the doodles, scribbles, and scratch-outs of 2011, the first day of 2012 is like a brand new shiny sheet of blank paper — and you’ve just been given a jumbo box of crayons.

So now what?

I’m sure you have a habit in mind that you’ve been attempting now for several years. Maybe it’s exercise, losing weight, eating better, learning something new, meditating, writing, or de-cluttering your house.

You start the new year with a bang, but around February or March, you end with a whimper.

As much as you want to create that new habit and sustain it (and you really, really do), your desire to keep at it begins to fade away. At first it’s fun, then it’s challenging, then it’s work, and finally it’s forgotten.

Why does this happen?

It has nothing to do with your will power or energy. It has to do with brain chemistry. You haven’t given your brain enough time to fully rewire itself to incorporate your habit as part of your daily routine. And that’s what has to happen — you actually have to retrain your brain.

This may feel like a Catch-22. How can you give your brain enough time to rewire itself if you can’t sustain the motivation to give it time?

It comes down to understanding exactly how habits are formed — and this is truly an art and a science!

Most of us jump into a new habit full force. We decide we have to lose weight, so we immediately change our diet, start exercising, write down everything we eat, and begin weighing ourselves.

But each one of those changes is comprised of a series of many smaller habits. By deciding to lose weight, you are asking your brain to accommodate 10 or more new habits rather than just one. Your brain can’t handle that. It’s like asking a toddler to pass advanced chemistry. No wonder we give up.

So how do we ever accomplish any goal or make any habit stick for longer than a few weeks? There is a very specific and well-researched method for doing just that. Here are the steps:

Shift your perspective

Recognize that creating a new habit is like making money. It doesn’t happen overnight. You must view it as a process, with a few starts and stops, rather than something that is going to happen just because you’ve decided to make it happen. Creating a new habit is an endeavor with many moving parts that are sometimes out of your control, so go into it knowing that your journey may not be linear. It might zig and zag at times.

Plan before you begin

Before you launch right in to your new habit, take several days or a week to plan out your habit work. Prepare for the steps I outline below. Make sure you think through the changes and adjustments you and those close to you will need to make to accommodate this new habit work. Take time to write down your plan.

Start really small and simple.

This is the most essential step in creating a new habit. If you want to lose weight for example, you can’t begin with all of the habits I mentioned above. Pick one thing, like changing your diet. Then break that down into something even smaller, like adding more veggies to your diet. Then break that down into adding one more green vegetable at dinner.

This is especially important if you’ve been unsuccessful with adding habits to your life in the past. Starting with a really small habit will allow you to practice the method successfully before you tackle more difficult habits.

Create habits one at a time

Don’t try to tackle several new habits at once. Start with one habit and work on it until it becomes completely automatic before you begin working on another habit. This could take 6-weeks to 3 months depending on the difficulty of the habit. Dividing your focus with several habits will undermine the likelihood of success with any of them.

Have a trigger

In the context of creating a new habit, a trigger is something to remind you to do your habit. Your new habit should immediately follow your trigger. A trigger should be a well-established, long-standing habit that you do regularly, like brushing your teeth or starting the coffee. Attaching your new habit to one that is already established helps reinforce the new habit in your brain chemistry.

Make it really easy

When you first begin a new habit, if it is something that takes time like meditating or walking, begin with doing your habit for 5 minutes only. This sounds too easy, but believe me, this 5-minute rule is really important. In the first week or two of your new habit, you are establishing the routine and fitting this new action into your life.

Sticking to 5 minutes, even if you feel you could go longer, makes it so easy you won’t feel resistant to doing it. Once you feel the habit is becoming automatic, then slowly increase your time.

Create public accountability

Many of us don’t tell others when we begin a new habit because we don’t want to be embarrassed if we fail. But public accountability can be a great motivator. Announce your new habit on Facebook or other social media, or email all of your friends to let them know. Then create a daily system of reporting your progress to these people.

Have a support system

In addition to having accountability, you need positive support and encouragement to keep you motivated and engaged in the work of your habit — especially when you start to get bored or tired of the work. You can set this up with friends and family. And there are many great support forums online where you can meet other people working on the same habit.

Reward yourself

Give yourself a small reward after your daily habit work. This could be anything from a piece of chocolate to allowing yourself 5 minutes to surf the net. Whatever feels like a reward for you — give that to yourself after your habit. If it starts to feel rote, then change up the reward.

Expect setbacks

Setbacks are inevitable. You might get sick. You may have to travel or change locations. You may just blow it off on a particular day. Plan ahead for as many potential setbacks as you can and have a back-up plan. For the unexpected setbacks, just start again as soon as you can. Don’t use setbacks as an excuse to stop your work.

Creating sustainable habits isn’t easy. But you probably know that! This simple method outlined above does work if you stick to it. In working with students of The Habit Course (that I conduct with Leo Babauta and Katie Tallo), we have seen firsthand how this method slowly but surely establishes habits that really stick.

Give it a try. You may start 2012 with a life-long new habit!

If you found this post useful, please share it.

The week after Christmas is a strange time.

In some ways it’s relaxing and peacefully pleasant.

In other ways, it feels anti-climatic and unnerving.

The anticipation and festivity of Christmas is over, but the New Year with all of its promise hasn’t yet begun.

You don’t quite know what to do with yourself beyond picking up wrapping paper and making returns. I think it’s fun to spend time with friends and family, read quietly, go to a movie, and just relax. Hopefully, you are spending some time doing these things too. (And reading my blog — thank you!)

But there’s a part of me, and maybe you too, that feels just like I do on the last day of vacation. You want to relax and enjoy it, but you know the real world is waiting for you to show up the next day.

But maybe in addition to squeezing in the last bit of holiday fun, we can use this time for some simple preparation for the New Year.

Maybe this can be a time of quiet reflection, internal review, and tentative planning for how we want to grow and bloom during 2012.

Some might call this setting goals, but I prefer to think of it as laying the foundation for personal evolution.

Creating and attaining goals is an important part of making big change in our lives. But personal evolution involves more than just setting goals. It is a process of self-actualization and life creation. It is a process of sculpting, refining, balancing, and articulating all aspects of our lives so we emerge with a life canvas that is a true expression of exactly who we are and what we want from life.

To create this canvas, you can’t start slapping paint on it willy nilly. Nor can you paint by numbers based on what other people have outlined for you — or what you think you should be doing.

Before you dive in to 2012 head first, perhaps this week is a good time to reflect on the year that has ended, your life as it is now, and how you would like to evolve and create your life for the year ahead.

Here are 12 very simple ways you can start that reflection process in various areas of your life. Grab a pen and paper to make some notes. This won’t take long, I promise!

1. Physically

Every New Year we vow to “get in shape.” We look at our bulging bellies or our flabby thighs with disgust — mainly because we don’t fit the physical standard of perfection in the media. What if we stopped thinking about “getting in shape” as an attempt to meet those standards, but rather started embracing our bodies as the amazing home for our mind and soul? Begin the New Year by changing your perspective on your body. See it as your most prized possession, and treat it with tender loving care.

• How are you treating your body now and over the last year?

• How has your body been reacting to the way you’ve taken care of it?

• What is one simple thing you could do to take better care of your body?

2. Nutritionally

This goes hand-in-hand with taking care of your body, but nutrition is so important to all aspects of your well-being. Proper, nutritious food not only keeps your body healthy, but also it provides energy, helps your mood, and keeps your brain functioning at a high level.

• What have you been feeding your beautiful, amazing body over the last year?

• How has this food supported or diminished your overall health and well-being?

• What is one small nutrition change you could make that would improve your health?

3. Emotionally

Our emotions can profoundly impact our happiness and success in life. Even when we understand that negative emotions can undermine our ability to evolve and grow, sometimes these emotions appear out of nowhere. However, there is usually some trigger or source for the negative feelings that hold us back. It’s not fun to dig around in the wounds of our past or the pain of our present. But stuffing them down or denying them will only force these feelings to appear in other debilitating ways (depression, over-eating, anger, etc.).

• What has been your emotional state in general now and over the last year?

• Can you identify a problem, past event, or regret that has sabotaged your happiness and ability to be your best self?

• What is one small action you can take to heal this wound or address the problem directly?

4. Relationally

Often our emotional state is impacted by our relationships. The people closest to us, particularly our spouse or significant other, can have a huge impact on our feelings of happiness and life satisfaction. And our relationships with our children, family members, work associates, and friends all create a fabric of joy and life fulfillment if we enjoy mutually supportive and healthy interactions with the people.

• What is the state of your important relationships right now?

• How have your actions, inaction, or behavior impacted those relationships?

• What is one thing you can do to improve a relationship that needs tending?

5. Intellectually

A couple of years ago, I read the book The Brain That Changes Itself, and I’ve written about it here several times. It fascinated me because of the amazing implications of the science of neuroplasticity. Our brains are not fixed and rigidly mapped. We can rewire them, strengthen them, and keep them healthy well into old age if we continue to learn and challenge ourselves. Plus, leaning new things helps our self-confidence, keeps us engaged in life, and expands our opportunities for bold living.

• What new things have you learned over the last year?

• How has this learning impacted your life?

• What is one small action you can take toward learning something new and challenging?

6. Habitually

Our lives consist of a series of habits, everything from the time we get up and when we brush our teeth to our routines at work. Some habits are good, some not so good. And some habits we’d like to have, we don’t have. Incorporating new habits in your life isn’t easy, but it can be done if know how to start small and use triggers, rewards, and accountability.

• What habits have been missing from your life over the last year?

• How would incorporating one of these habits improve your life?

• What one action could you take to add one positive new habit to your life?

7. Financially

You don’t need to be reminded of the importance of money and sound finances. Having enough money to meet your needs and some of your wants is essential to happiness, self-confidence, and security. Being in debt, having your finances in disarray, or even being overly-focused on wealth can create havoc in your life.

• What is the state of your financial life right now?

• How would you define a balanced and healthy financial life?

• What is one action you could take to bring you closer to that ideal?

8. Professionally

Your work and finances are obviously intertwined, but hopefully you aren’t working just for money. Your work should bring you joy, meaning, and fulfillment. In fact, it is best when your work is your passion. When you are working to just get by or to just buy — then work becomes drudgery or a means to an end, rather than part of the purpose of your life.

• What do you love about your work now?

• What do you dislike about it?

• What one action could you take to bring you closer to feeling passionate about your work?

9. Spiritually

If having a spiritual life is important to you, then you have consciously determined why this should be part of your life and how you want to express it. Living a spiritual life may mean regular practice, worship, and prayer for some — or it could be meditating or walking in nature for another.

• How well have you lived your spiritual life in the last year?

• What defines your ideal spiritual life?

• What is one action you could take to move you closer to that ideal?

10. Adventurously

Having fun, going on adventures, meeting new people, socializing, traveling — all of these add spice to your life and make you a more interesting and engaged person.

• What kind of adventures have you enjoyed over the last year?

• What new adventures would be fun to pursue in 2012?

• What is one action you can take to facilitate one of these adventures?

11. Residentially

Our home is where the heart is. It also reflects our state of mind and supports or detracts from our energy and ideal lifestyle. A home that is neat, organized, inviting, calm, and in the appropriate neighborhood, environment,  or city that supports who you are, is a haven for beautiful and joyful living.

• Does your home fully reflect who you are and how you want to live?

• What is the ideal home environment and location for you?

• What is one action you could take to move toward that ideal?

12. Practically

The details of living can bog us down and create chaos and anxiety if we don’t tend to them. Most of us don’t enjoy paying bills, getting the tires rotated, or having the gutters cleaned. But these practical life details can begin to feel like a scratchy sweater, irritating us and inhibiting our full pleasure in life.

• What practical details of life have you left undone this year?

• How would it feel to have these cleared from your mind and to-do list?

• What is one small action you can take to get the ball rolling?

As you write your answers and read through this list, remember that you don’t have to tackle all of these actions at once. From this list, you can begin to reflect on what is most important for you to address this year. All change begins with reflection and preparation, so empower yourself for personal growth and evolution in 2012 by considering your options today!

If you found this post useful, please share it!

Christmas is almost here, and in the next few days,  you may have some time on your hands.

Hopefully, most of your shopping is completed. The house is decorated. And if you’re lucky, you’ll have a few days off of work this week.

If you find yourself with some time to spare, you might like these resources to some of life’s most burning “how-to” questions. I’ve pulled together articles with great information on health, personal growth, relationships, finance, holiday fun, and some other info I thought you might like.

Here are 45 resources collected just for you . . .

Your Holiday How-To Guide

How to prevent:

1. Alzheimer’s Disease

2. Heart Disease

3. Ovarian Cancer

4. Depression

5. Fibromyalgia

6. Migraines

7. Wrinkles

8. The Common Cold

9. The Flu

10. Overeating

11. Skin Cancer

12.  A Hangover

13.  Debt

14. Hair Loss

15. Feeling tired

How to find:

16.  Friends

17. Last minute gift ideas

18. A new career

19. Cheap flights

20. A hobby

21. Your passion

22. Your body fat percentage

23. The best deals on Amazon

24. The top personal development blogs

25. Great books

26. Love

27. Your values

28. Lost objects

29. The best place to live

30. Your personality type

How to make:

 31. An easy holiday dinner

32. Money online

33. A decision

34. Perfect hard boiled eggs

35. The best paper airplane

36. People like you

37. Time for yourself

38. Peace with those who have hurt you

39. Healthy choices

40. A happy marriage

41. The perfect martini

42. People laugh

43. New Year’s resolutions

45. An online information product to sell

45. This the best Christmas ever

Wishing you all a wonderful, peaceful holiday week! If you enjoyed these resources, I hope you will share them.

Hey you — yes you reading this right now. I’m directing this post just to you.

Please, don’t stop believing in yourself.

Don’t stop believing in your dream.

Don’t give up hope or give up on yourself.

Don’t lose yourself in sadness, lethargy, anxiety, or despair.

Don’t forget that life is for the living, that every day is a chance to start over, that in spite of your sorrows and difficulties, you have so many blessings. Stop right now and count them. Think of something good about your life right now, even if it’s just that some stranger writing a blog is reaching out to you.

Last night I went to see my 20-year-old daughter perform in The Nutcracker with Richmond Ballet. She looked so stunning and beautiful that I wanted to weep. I did weep. (That’s her in the photo.)

As I was watching her, I thought back upon the years of her training — the hours of driving to class, the physical demands, the myriad of small and large emotional traumas inflicted by dance teachers, artistic directors, other dancers, and mostly by herself. I thought of the sprained ankle, the fractured metatarsal, the inflamed bunions, the popping hip. I thought about the missed proms, the nights up until 2:00 am studying after rehearsals, the anxiety of auditions and the devastation of rejections. I thought about all of the roles she’s performed and the obstacles she’s overcome.

After the show, I took her and another dancer out to dinner. They were exhausted, exhilarated, and ravenous. It had been a packed house, with a thunderous standing ovation at the end. It was a pristine performance all the way around — one of the best Nutcracker productions I’ve ever seen (and I’ve seen many!).

At dinner my daughter and her friend were discussing how much they have to “push through” to be dancers — through physical pain, exhaustion, emotional distress, and demanding directors. But even at their young ages, through years of discipline, sacrifice, and hard work, they have learned some very profound truths:

• If you keep trying, at some point you will get better, succeed, overcome.
• If you stay focused on your dream, you will get closer and closer to it.
• If you remain flexible and open to possibilities, something better than you expected might happen.
• If you knock on enough doors, one will finally open.
• If you push through the perceived obstacles, you realize that you are stronger and more capable than you thought.
• If you focus on the process more than the outcome, you’ll find there’s more joy in the doing than the becoming.
• If you acknowledge that failure is part of learning and growing, then you will be more resilient and creative than you knew you could be.
• If you believe in yourself, in your inherent capacity for greatness, then you will be amazed at what you can do — things you never even considered.

Maybe today you are tired, sad, overwhelmed, confused, unsure, or frightened. But don’t give up. Never give up.

This is the season for believing — so believe in yourself and your amazing capacity for renewal and hope. Believe in your ability to start every day fresh, to try again, to take one small action toward a better and happier life.

Believe in yourself, believe in yourself, believe in yourself . . . and don’t stop believing.

Here’s a little holiday cheer for you . . .

Something Special

Book Give-Away Winners: The two winners from my random drawing for the giveaway of the book  Tiny Buddha: Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions are Lynne and Amparo. Please email me at mybloomlife at gmail dot com with your home address, and a copy of the book will be mailed to you.

Thank you to everyone who made a comment!

“We may not have it all together, but together we have it all.” ~from Tiny Buddha

(Special Note: I will be giving away two copies of the book Tiny Buddha: Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions.  See instructions at the end of the post.)

What is the meaning of life?

Why is there suffering?

What really makes us happy?

Why are relationships so hard?

Is it really possible to change?

If you have ever asked yourself these questions, welcome to the gigantic club of wisdom-seekers throughout the ages.

There are some life questions that get asked over and over again, mainly because the answers seem so elusive and plaguing. Life throws us challenges every day that set us up for these big questions, and we all believe if we could just find the answers, we’d have the key to control of our own lives.

My friend and fellow blogger (and wisdom-seeker), Lori Deschene, has bravely taken on these big questions. But she’s done it in a most unique way.

Lori is the founder of the wildly popular blog, Tiny Buddha, and she has just released a lovely and comprehensive book called Tiny Buddha: Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions.

Lori has asked her readers and followers to provide both questions and answers to some of these life mysteries. I decided to turn the tables on Lori and ask her some hard questions! (Not too hard, really.)

What inspired you to write Tiny Buddha: Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions?

I wanted to ask my Twitter followers a number of the hardest questions in life to see how different people from different backgrounds would respond to them. I chose the questions that had been most paralyzing for me at different parts of my journey, like: What is the meaning of life? Why is there suffering in the world? Can people change—and how? Do you need money to be happy?

It was insightful and inspiring to see all the varied answers people tweeted, and I realized, despite the diversity of perspectives, they were all valid and empowering.

So I decided to build the book around these different answers, and also share my own experiences grappling with the big issues. My hope is that people read Tiny Buddha and first, realize whatever they’re dealing with, they are not alone; and secondly, feel a little more confident in their ability to choose purpose, happiness, and peace, regardless of their past or their individual challenges.

Why did you want collaborators and how did they impact the process of creating a book?

My main hope with Tiny Buddha has always been that we can come together, recognize our similarities, and share our experiences, struggles, and insights to make a positive difference in each others lives.

I wanted the community to influence and shape my book because that’s what Tiny Buddha is all about: finding common ground, despite the fact that we all hold varied beliefs and opinions, and working with each other, not against each other, for our individual and collective happiness.

What has been one of the most profound “hard questions” you have encountered in your life and how did you deal with it?

The hardest question for me has always been, “How can I let go?” Whenever I’ve experienced tremendous pain in life, it’s hard something to do with me holding on—holding on to anger, holding on to bitterness, and even holding on to a victim identity because it came to feel safe and comfortable.

Like most of the big questions in life, there isn’t one concrete answer that explains how to let go. But I’ve gathered a few tools over the years that help me let go when I’m clinging.

Yoga helps me tremendously, since it grounds me in my body and in the moment. But what helps me the most is frequently reminding myself that I can choose.

I can choose to stop telling myself negative stories about the events in my life; I can choose to focus on what’s in front of me; I can choose to accept my circumstances instead of fighting everything so hard; I can choose to be good to myself, even if I’ve made mistakes; and I choose to see each moment as a new opportunity to let go and be free.

How can your book help people?

My book may give people a few ideas to:

• Let go of pain from the past that’s been weighing them down and holding them back;

• Create a sense of purpose, starting right now, even if they’re not doing what they want to do professionally.

•  Change habits that have not served them well and open up to new, healthier ways of being;

•  Experience happiness right now, regardless of their circumstances;

•  Improve their relationships;

•  Seize the moment to live more mindfully, passionately, and fearlessly;

•  Find a sense of control and empowerment in an uncertain world.

Why do you think your blog and books resonate with so many people?

We live in a world where we’re constantly bombarded with groundbreaking systems to change our lives and become the people we want to be. But I think what we really want is to stop looking so hard for answers outside ourselves, and start feeling more comfortable in our own skin—even if there are things we’d like to improve.

Tiny Buddha is a place where people share themselves authentically and openly without fear or apologies, to help themselves and each other. I frequently say that the site is a space where we’re all both students and teachers, and I think that’s appealing to people.

Ultimately, we want to learn to value and trust ourselves, and we want to genuinely connect with other people, without pretenses or agendas. At least that’s what I want—I want to show people who I am, flaws and all, and make a positive difference in their lives both because of and in spite of my challenges. I think the site reflects that mission, and as a result, the conversations feel honest and loving.

What is your personal mission with your blog?

Well, aside from what I wrote above, I want to help people help each other. That’s why I run Tiny Buddha as a community blog. There’s a quote I love that reads, “We may not have it all together, but together we have it all.”

I love that idea. I don’t have all the answers. But I know that when we come together, instead of thinking we’re alone or making ourselves feel separate, suddenly having all the answers seems less important. We may live in an uncertain world—but we get to share the puzzle together.

 Book Give-Away: Please leave a comment below sharing your hardest life question and how you’ve dealt with it. I will do a random drawing for two winners of Lori’s book on Sunday and will announce them in Monday’s post.