How do you cope with anniversaries?

Tomorrow is, historically, a bad day for me.  Those that know my medical history will know exactly what I’m talking about – though, for those of you that don’t, it’s been over ten years since I nearly died.  And then, if that wasn’t enough, something else happened, and lead me to tomorrow.
It’s colored my perspective of everything since.  And left me bereft and confused in many ways.

So, how do you deal with an anniversary that consumes you to the point of pain and never ending grief?  As dramatic and *hand* – *staple* – *forehead* that it sounds, how do you move on?

In one word, you probably don’t.  Ok, that was more than one word.
The problem with moving on is unless you’re actually looking at your life from the perspective of a never ending learning cycle, it’s difficult to relegate or process the feelings on anniversaries without picking up more guilt.  Or, at least, that’s what I’ve found.

Your milage may vary, but I think it’s ok to take a few minutes to sensibly mark the really bad days.  Don’t wallow, but if it’s a major anniversary (and I would suggest that these only come up a few times a year, at most, unless you’ve been really unlucky), then do.

My major milestone is a decade on.  It’s a horrible thing for the mind to do, but I’d been getting meloncholy, but I wasn’t really thinking about why.  And then my partner asked if I was ok, and that was it – everything tumbled down.  It’s a medical thing mostly, and was out of my control, but it still doesn’t leave me feeling any less horrible.

But life goes on.  And in some ways it has.  I live in a new house, in a new city, with a new partner.  But I’m tied into the old.  And while there are some bonds I won’t break – there are some – like the guilt that I felt helpless, instead of actually acknowledging I *was* helpless, has to stop.  Control is a funny thing, and that’s why I think some anniversaries fade with time.  And others remain as raw as ever, years on.

How do you cope with anniversaries?

One of the major areas I’ve been struggling with, quite a lot lately, is getting back into a nice balance of reading/writing.  And now that I’ve finally managed to set everything up the way I want it, and am sorting out the last of my projects, I’m delighted to announce that we’re accepting ARC’s and released books in eletronic format to review and introduce to readers and subscribers of our site.

This service is free – but we do not buy books for review – the authors provide them.  In the interests of transparency, I won’t review any book that promotes certain things that go against our manifesto, or portray mental health in a negative light.  I won’t review books that are written as ‘professional advice’ unless you have professional qualifications, and for the sake of the readers of our page, until we’ve had some books to show the calibre of writing available out there, if your book is rated three or less (and I have clear guidelines) out of ten, I won’t run your review.

I’m accepting requests right now at kaithereviewer at gmail.com  - and you can read more about what we will and won’t accept by checking out our manifesto and the reviews page.

As it’s the end of an era tomorrow – I’m going to hand in a dissertation that’s been where I’ve been for the last four years.

As this is the case, I’d love to know what you guys would like to see?  Bi-polarbears is one of the few sites that I’ve consistently ran for the last eight years, on and off.  But we’ve changed direction so often that I thought I’d ask the community.

What are you interested in seeing?  More or less on what you’d like to see?

Thoughts on articles and thoughtful op-eds you’d like to see?  Conversations about (x)?  Samples of the book?

Let me know

Positives are always great to hear aren’t they?
One of the things that I’ve always said about Bi-Polarbears is that we’re funded by my other projects.  One of which is that I work  as an SEO Copywriter.  I love my job, and I’m delighted that I get to do what I’m doing – but sometimes it takes me away from what I’m doing with you guys.

The other side to my writing coin is that I publish books.
I thought I’d share some news about my books – if you’re interested in supporting Bi-Polearbears, then picking these books up will really help. (If you’d like to keep up with everything I’m doing, then you can head on over to my personal facebook page at DKaiWilsonViola)

November

Glass Block – D Kai Wilson-Viola’s first thriller – you can see more at DarknessPD .  As I’ve finally graduated, this is so much easier to take care of.

January

The self publishing author’s guide to editing  – KDP (Amazon)/ Smashwords

February

Pictures in the Dark 2nd Edition.

And we’re looking at releasing books on a more regular schedule into the New Year!

One of the biggest post requests that we’ve had, and something that is covered in the book (which is currently in it’s second edition and being set up as a self published book, which will be available at $2.99 on Smashwords/KDP in November),  is about medication.  So I thought I’d answer a couple of questions and see whether some of it can be discussed in a calm way – the reason, so far, we’ve avoided this conversation is because we’ve felt and saw outrage in the community.

So, before I start, I thought I’d say one thing.
YOU CANNOT CHOOSE to take meds based on one blog post.  YOU MUST RESEARCH!

My meds

After ten years of being med free, last year, I had a horrible time when we moved.  Between moving and my university carreer (which got put back a year after struggling through all of it) I broke, and spent four weeks incredibly depressed – I was put onto medication that made me very manic once it took effect, and then, finally, they decided that I have both a personality disorder (which explained why, in part I hated myself as much as I did) and that I’m also bipolar.  So I was prescribed Seroquel (Quetiapine).  I was also given antidepressants, which I came off of when they interacted with my migraine meds.

What I learned

The first thing I learned was that I wasn’t as ‘aware’ of what meds could do for me as I thought.  I had chosen from earlier experiences, to refuse meds, and that may have been the wrong choice.  I also learned that I had a severe problem with anxiety, something that I thought was just ‘normal’.  When that lifted after two weeks on Seroquel, I was amazed, and gratified.
But I’ve had to stop taking them, as we’re planning on having children, and I’ve seen studies that suggest Seroquel isn’t suitable during pregnancy.  My GP was a bit concerned about it, but I’m making that educated choice after researching.

On or off meds

It’s of vital importance to understnad that being *on* or *off* meds isn’t something that you should do lightly.  Both are lifestyle choices, and both can change your life, positively and possibly negatively.  It’s crtical to understand that you’ll have side effects, either mild or severe from most meds, even if that side effect is taking away your anxiety.  It’s also possible, in some cases that you will have unwanted side effects such as excess sedation.  I never grew used to how tired seroquel made me, or, at least, I never learned when I could take them before going to bed.
You may also need to work with a dietician, or avoid certain foods, based on interactions.  You may gain weight.  You may have other problems.  But the important thing to look at is whether it improves your lives.

Your thoughts

So – to open the floor to you – what are your experiences with meds.  Please keep the conversation calm, and let people know how you feel, but also respect others opinions.  I’d love to hear from you though.

We now have our OWN Facebook Page.  Like us at Bi-polarbears!

One of the few things that tends to inspire a lot of smiles in our house is success stories – especially if those success stories are writers or other artists that live with bipolar.  As many of you know, I’m at Uni right now – and I graduate (finally) with what I hope to be a 2:1.  Also of note is the fact that Glass Block, my first novel, is finally coming out in the next few weeks.

One of the things that I’ve learned is that if you don’t fight for your dreams, you won’t get them.  Often I’ve been told, especially by people that I thought would support me, that  I should just surrender to the inevitable – allow them to hospitalise me, and stop writing.  I’ve refused on several notable occassions, though I try not to dwell too much.

I’d love to encourage anyone that’s thinking of chasing anything to do so – our dreams are what powers our happiness after all.  There are scams out there, but if you’re careful and listen to your freinds and family, they’ll probably help you to protect yourself.

And without further ado, I thought I’d show off Glass Block and let you know where you can ‘fan’ me on Facebook, if it’s your cup of tea.

Glass Block

When Big Brother fell out of popularity in the early part of the 21st century  it was replaced with ever more ‘realistic’ reality TV shows, till the need for this was replaced with a need for fantasy.  In an attempt to resurrect the old format some die hard fans filmed themselves locked in with a recently released murderer.  The person to get out got the money from the stream sales at the end.  Needless to say they were slaughtered.

Word of this spread on the internet and a ‘sanctioned’ version by the UCPS (United coalition of Prison Services) was established.  Brought in from Darkness, one of the cities providing most of the prisoners, most of which he’d been responsible for collaring, Elliot Peters is forced into a nightmare world where the walls are made of glass and people vote as to whether you survive.

You can see more details and sign up for the mailing list at Glass Block@DarknessPD, or ‘fan’ me on D Kai Wilson-Viola’s Facebook page.

I know who you are – you’ve just been diagnosed, and you’re thinking that your life is about to end, either metaphorically, or (please don’t do it), literally.

I know who you are, because I’ve been there.  Been there several times.
So, the first thing I want you to do is go grab a soothing cup of *whatever* you love.  You can even have a tiny shot of liqueur in it if it helps, but only a tiny bit.  Don’t drive after, you’ve had bad news anyway, so you shouldn’t be driving.  You’re in shock, and we’re going to fix that.
I’ll wait right here.

You good?  Huggin’ the mug?  I know I was.  For me it was hot, sweet, as strong as I could get it, tea.
Firstly.  Your diagnosis isn’t a death sentence.  It’s not even a commuted death sentence.  Take my word for it when I say that there are some incredibly successful bipolars out there in the world.  Dare I say ‘HI!!!’ now and wave enthusiastically.
Your meds are possibly going to feel like a death sentence for a while – but there is no medical treatment out there that exists that we take that won’t make you feel a bit lousy, at least some of the time.  Unfortunately, the majority of treatments for mental health contain something that makes us dopey.  It might be a receptor inhibitor, it might be a flat-out sedative – whatever it is, go with it for a while.  Be that zombie.  Don’t embrace it because you’ll need to start proactively fighting it soon enough, but it’s perfectly ok to regroup.
Please, remember to drink your comforting drink.  Shock’s a nasty thing.
See, still not dead.
I wanted to tell you something though.  It’s a secret so lean in close.

There is an up side to bipolar disorder – and it’s not the manic phase.  it’s not the fact that we’re treatable and we’re slowly being accepted into society. It’s the fact that….you ready for this….?
This is who YOU are.  Bipolar disorder may not seem like it to many, but it’s possibly part of your personality, and it’s definitively part of the way you see the world – good and bad.  There’s a reason for feeling the way you do, and it’s not that you’re a dick, a douche, or don’t belong. 
More tea ALWAYS makes it better by the way.
Look at it this way – you’ve discovered that you are this *person* living a kind of  lie, trying to remain as ‘normal’ as you can, in a world that doesn’t slow down one iota for people who don’t adjust well.  You could have felt like your world is out of control.  Your world could BE out of control, but it’s not all your fault.  I’m not saying some of it isn’t, but you know, sometimes common sense isn’t what we have when we’re going off the rails.

So – no pity parties – not for long anyway – they have a habit of turning into a national day/week/month of mourning if you’re not careful – and don’t mark today as a negative.  Be kind to yourself, grab another soothing drink – have that cry if you need it, and then – start learning about the ‘new’ you and how to be kind to yourself.
You’ll thank me – and yourself – for it later.

One of the things I’ve noticed about working with people in the mental health community is that most of us are instantly tolerant of the mistakes of others ‘like us’.  There’s a lot of outpouring of support, for example, for Charlie Sheen.  One of the critical problems with this though is that now, anything we talk about to do with bipolar disorder or anything else – for now at least – will also get lumped into feeds for people watching Mr Sheen’s very public mental breakdown.

Let’s be clear about this – I have personally been saying that I didn’t want to ‘bandwagon’ onto the Charlie Sheen ‘stuff’ because it’s cynical at best to grab traffic from someone else’s misery.  It’s also not a cricism of anyone else that has talked about CS on thier blogs, because, lets be honest, smarter minds than me are watching him and have more profound things to say.

What I did want to touch on wasn’t his mental health status (because until he’s diagnosed, he could be detoxing or coming off of some altered mental health state) but how people self sabotage.  I’ve seen a lot of it recently – it might be the pressures of the world right now, or it might be that it’s just more evident right now because the ‘hornet’s nest’ has been kicked over with all of the true and false information kicking around, about manic depression and other mental health issues, but what I’m seeing right now is a LOT of reactionary conversations and information that’s entirely contrary to what’s actually evidence led, especially in terms of treatment.

Many of you will know, especially  by looking at the archives, that I’m very careful not to advise for or against meds, but instead to advise that you do your own research.  I advocate that very strongly actually.  Having done both sides of the fence in the last year, it’s important to let people know that both are valid, and depends more on your situation than the opinions of others.  While medical opinion shouldn’t be entirely discounted, I’m sure that we’ve all met a professional whose opinion we questioned, doctor or otherwise (for example I don’t buy into much of what Dr Phil said or used to say – simply because tough love isn’t always the answer) so advocating that we make sure that we know exactly what the doctor or other health practiconer is recommending is sensible.

There’s two types of self sabotage – and Mr Sheen seems to be involved in the very public version of one of them – alienation of our support structures and surroundings.  It’s of critical importance to understand that these issues are very serious for anyone with mental health issues of any kind – if you lose or alienate anyone that’s around to help you, that’s one less person to turn to when you need support, right?

There’s another kind of self sabotage – where you believe everything you read, or get angry with people for providing an overwhelming amount of information, then weigh all of that, internally, equally.  It’s true, as I’ve said earlier in this post that there are some really smart minds out there, who say some deeply profound things, but it’s also true that there are people, like me, with no formal qualifications that write what we know.  Some of those people don’t even read first, they just let thier fingers run

Not everyone in the mental health community is going to agree with information (and there are a couple of doozies that I’ve got to rebut on here in the next week, because it seems every ‘mental health expert’ with an opinion has come out of the woodwork!) so it’s important to try and limit any of the behaviours that might land us in trouble.  Remember – keep reading and researching!

My partner and I were recently talking about coding and how language, and understanding language is almost like learning to code.

He argued that you can’t apply maths to language and that it was more ‘variable’ than code, which is true, but the perspective of language as a learned coding system has stuck with me ever since that one conversation.It got me to thinking – there’s an optimal way to do everything – or maybe several optimal ways.  And there’s no one universal truth – instead, there’s what we make of our world and how we interact within it.

A while ago now, we changed the slogan of the site to ‘Live, Thrive, Survive’ – a three-step mantra for anyone diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

First you have to learn to live.  It’s not the easiest part of the process – in fact, in many ways those first steps are the hardest.  Learning to view your ‘disorder’ as an integral part of how you interact with the world and, more than that, learn to live within the boundaries that presents.  This first step also includes adjusting to your medications and learning to cope with your therapies.

Thrive – once you’ve learned to live with bipolar disorder, and have adjusted to your meds, and other therapies, finding the essential ‘you’ and nursing it.  Many with any disease feel like that is the sum of their parts, where, we believe that everyone is unique, and we encourage people to find that essential uniqueness and flourish within it.  You may want to take up a hobby, or learn something new.

Survive – Life isn’t all about us and it isn’t easy.  Learning to survive when buffeted by hard times is an essential coping mechanism.

And that’s a process – one that I talk about in more depth in my book ‘Pictures in the Dark’.

What do you think?

Bi-polarbears.com is seeking guest bloggers.

If you’re interested in posting for us, there’s three steps:

1. Read our guidelines – they’re pretty light right now.
2. Email me with a query – there’s an email address on the guidelines
3. I’ll either reject the query or schedule it – you’ll get a user login for the site, and I’ll schedule you on the calendar (you’ll get a schedule invite so that you can be scheduled into the calendar – which will email and remind you a week before the post is due.  I’ll also add you to a mailing list/discussion list (with permission) so you can chat with other bipolarbears writers.

That’s it!

I look forward to seeing your posts.

Kai