Sharing Laughs

There was a farmer...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Sun, 02 Dec 2012 20:20:00 +0000

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house

one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the

road carrying a big bundle of wire.


"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"


"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this

here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"

 "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He

comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a

whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.


Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the

same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of

tape.


"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape.

I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!" "You can't catch ducks

with duck tape!" the farmer yells back.

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He

comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't

believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all

wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the

kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.


"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?" "Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow."


"Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."

An elderly woman...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Sun, 02 Dec 2012 20:04:00 +0000

An elderly woman entered a large furniture

store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.  "Is there something in particular I can

show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted.

"All I want is an occasional piece in the

living room!"

A teacher was giving a lesson...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Sun, 02 Dec 2012 13:13:00 +0000

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

The teacher asked, "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

God is watching...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Sun, 02 Dec 2012 13:09:00 +0000

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Female Reindeer...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Sat, 01 Dec 2012 16:41:00 +0000

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a female.

We should've known.

Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost...

Two men waiting at the pearly gates...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Sat, 01 Dec 2012 16:33:00 +0000

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel
to freeze to death?" says the first.

"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.

How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.

I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.
I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there.
I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Adam was walking around the garden..

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Sat, 01 Dec 2012 16:24:00 +0000

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history .....

A man left for work...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Sat, 01 Dec 2012 16:18:00 +0000

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

A cat dies and goes to Heaven...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Sat, 01 Dec 2012 16:14:00 +0000

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

A guy is sitting at the bar...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 13:36:00 +0000

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.

The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

Do Not Disturb...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 21:50:00 +0000

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Two young boys walked...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 15:39:00 +0000

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either.

Through the kitchen window...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 15:22:00 +0000

Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her son coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood & as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a little further & kicks a cow.

Once inside his mother says "I saw what u did, young man! For kickin' the pig u'll get no bacon for a week & for kickin' the cow no milk for a week."

Just at that moment the boy's father walks through the door & boots the cat halfway across the room. Boy looks at his mom & says "Do u wanna tell him, or should I?"

The Walmart Greeter...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 15:15:00 +0000

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, I lasted less than a day... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work !

Three men were drunk...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 15:03:00 +0000

Three men were drunk, they stopped a taxi. The taxi driver figured that they were drunk, he just switched on the engine & switched it off & told them, " We have Arrived".

The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized that the car didn't move an INCH!.

So he asked,what was that for? Control your speed next time, you almost killed us!!

An old woman came into her doctor's office...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:50:00 +0000

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time,

Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills,

but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?".

"Calm down, Mrs.Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

A man escapes from prison....

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:39:00 +0000

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Bus Driver...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:29:00 +0000

One day a little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver.

He starts saying things like, "If my Mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I would be a little rooster," the bus driver said shut up!

Still the boy went on... "If my Mom was a female elephant and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant," the bus driver said shut up!

Still the boy went on... "If my Mom was a female dog and my dad was a male dog, I would be a little male dog."

The bus driver got so mad, and asked, "If your Mom was a prostitute, and your dad was a homo, what would you be?"

The boy answered, "A bus driver!"

The Last Letter From a husband to his wife..

endline010@gmail.com (EarnOnline) — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 07:58:00 +0000

The Last Letter From a husband to his wife:

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching TV. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

-Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to Thailand together. We will have a great life!

The wife's reply:

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating chicken 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the 200$ price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed that same amount from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the LOTTERY AND WON $100 THOUSAND, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Las Vegas. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a single penny from me.

-Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Sandy was actually born as my brother John. I helped pay for his sex change. I hope that's not a problem.

I want a divorce....

endline010@gmail.com (EarnOnline) — Wed, 28 Nov 2012 20:13:00 +0000

A couple were driving at 70mph down the road, husband behind the wheel.

The wife suddenly says "Honey, I know we've been married twenty years but I want a divorce."

He says nothing but increases the speed to 80mph.

She says "Now don't try to talk me out of it, I've been screwing your best friend for sometime now and he IS better at sex than you."

He stays quiet, but speeds up to 90mph.

She says "I want the house and the car."

(He is now doing 100mph.)

"I want the bank accounts and the credit cards too." she says

The husband starts to veer towards the side of the road and a large grove of trees.

The wife gets nervous and asks "Isn't there ANYTHING you want?"

"No, I've got all I need." He said

"Oh really, so what exactly do you have?"

Just before they hit the tree at 120mph he smiles and says: "The freaking air-bag!"

Why are you hiding father?

endline010@gmail.com (EarnOnline) — Wed, 28 Nov 2012 19:10:00 +0000

A man enters a church n finds the priest. "How may I help you son?" asks the priest.

"Am looking for my wife, she said she would be here but as I can see she's not around. Now that am here, I would like to confess". They go to the confession area, "forgive me father for I have sinned."

"What are your sins my son?" The man replies, "The other day, I went looking for my wife at her home but she was not there. I found her sister alone, I slept with the sister."

Oh, that is sin, but at least you came to confess".

"Then another day I went looking for her at her aunt's place but she was not there, I found her cousin alone, I slept with the cousin".

"You know that is wrong my son".

"Then the other day I went looking for her at her working place. She was not there, I found her colleague alone,.."

The priest interrupts, "Let me guess, you slept with her colleague?"

"Yes father". There was silence after that. Father?" Father?" Still silent.

The man peeps through and finds out that the priest is no longer there . He looks for him and finds him hiding. "Why are you hiding father?"

The priest replies, "I've just realized I'm the only one here and you came looking for your wife"...

Little Red Riding Hood...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Sat, 10 Nov 2012 14:23:00 +0000

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road

when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"

says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;

this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,

"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"

And that's how the fight got started...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Sat, 10 Nov 2012 14:16:00 +0000

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for

Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

The Miracle of Toilet Paper...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Sat, 10 Nov 2012 13:59:00 +0000

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

Talking Dog For Sale...

endline010@gmail.com (Lynn Johnson) — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 14:45:00 +0000

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap.'