There’s many things in life that scare me and right now the post that will flow from my fingers through the keyboard and on to the screen scares me…

There are times when I don’t write here because I’m busy, there are times I don’t write because I don’t make the time, there are times when I don’t write because I’m overwhelmed and there are times when I don’t write because I can’t think of anything positive/interesting/inspiring/uplifting to share. I tend to stay away from writing here when things don’t look too good. There are also things I don’t share because they don’t only apply to me, they affect my husband, my kids, my mom, other family members, friends and I don’t always think it would be fair of me to share those situations here.

Recently I’ve been thinking of being present and what that really means. Will my kids remember that I was present? Will they always remember how much I love them? That everything I do is because of them or for them… Will they remember that even though my body betrayed me with an immune system that backfired (rheumatoid arthritis) and a nervous system that went on overdrive (fibromyalgia) that I fought back so that it wouldn’t have a negative impact on them? So that they wouldn’t have to remember their sick mother who couldn’t be there for them, couldn’t attend their activities, couldn’t support them in every thing they do.

I hope they’ll understand that when I ask them about stuff it’s not to nag them, it’s out of my genuine love and concern for them. I know it’s hard for a teenager to understand that parents aren’t just trying to nag and be overprotective. I hope one day Mr. Skinny will know that every time he goes and I tell him to be careful and to check in with us it’s not because I want to keep him on a tight leash, it’s because I’m extremely aware that he is a 17 year old young man of color that could be at the wrong place at the wrong time and end up in a bad situation. I’m extremely aware of 17 year old boys feeling invincible, that nothing could ever happen to them. I’ve worked with the angry adolescent boys that weren’t invincible, that got wrapped up in the juvenile justice system. I’ve worked with adolescents who were too young to be parents, young women trying to figure out how they were going to be moms when they themselves were young teens. We’ve been to too many funerals and I don’t want to have to plan one for my son.

I remember 18 years ago… I was 17 years old, just a month shy of my 18th birthday, telling people that I was due to give birth in just over a month. I remember being scared of the choices that I made as a 17 year old. I remember the feeling when I heard “the test is positive, you’re pregnant. Do you know what you would like to do? You have options.” I remember telling the nurse that I was going to keep my baby and when she asked me if I was sure I said absolutely. There was never a doubt in my mind. I remember thinking “Oh shit! Now I’ve got to stop messing around, there is another life that depends on me and I can’t screw it up.” I remember making choices in the months during my pregnancy that would change our lives forever and always wondering what the impact would be, on Mr. Skinny first and foremost. I’m happy with the choices that I made. I remember the sheer joy that I felt on Mr. Skinny’s birthday. The joy that this little person who had grown inside of me and brought so much light in to the world caused. The feeling that I had the first time I held him in my arms, an overwhelming sense of responsibility and pressure to be able to give him more, to give him better.

I hope my kids remember that we have always done and will always do what we think is best for them and for us as a family. I hope they’ll be able to remember all the good times we’ve had and how we’ve persevered and gotten through the hard times together.

Sometimes I’m scared that I’ll forget. That I’ll forget the little things of every day, the little things that we share, the little things that we do. The funny things we’ve done together, the silly dances, the silly sayings that only we know what they mean. I’m scared that I’ll look back one day and not remember the stories, the memories. I’m scared that they’ll be locked away in some part of my brain that I can’t get to, the place where a lot of memories of my own childhood remain. The memories that I know are locked away because that’s where they need to be in order for me to keep going and not get sucked in to the deep, dark place that depression is. The place I’m all too familiar with. The place that scares me deeply because I spent too much time there when I was younger. The place that suffocated me in darkness, feeling helpless and in despair. The place that overwhelmed me.

I’m scared that memories that we are making every day will fade. I don’t remember my grandma as clearly as I would like to, she passed away on Valentine’s Day 2001. I’ll never forget that day, I called her that day… my aunt says my grandma could hear me and she was mouthing her responses to me but I couldn’t hear her voice. I knew then that it wouldn’t be long before we got the call saying she was gone. I remember knowing as soon as the phone rang that my life would never be the same. My world got turned upside down.

I have memories of growing up with my cousins, I remember some specific events but not the little things. I remember sitting in a church, watching my friend walk down the aisle to get married. I remember being annoyed that my phone kept ringing, over and over and over again. I remember stepping outside to hear my husband tell me through the phone that my cousin was dead. He died in a car accident, early in the morning. He lived with us and I talked to him the night before… sensing that something was off. I remember how I felt that day, once again my world was turned upside down. The days and months following were awful. It’s been 8 years…

I’m scared of being vulnerable, I think most of us are. I wear my heart on my sleeve but I have walls around it to protect it. It’s been hurt too much and too often to just put it out there. I’m glad I’ve come to a point of being happy with myself, of being me and of understanding that if people don’t like me just the way I am, it’s their loss not mine. I’m glad I’m content with being WYSIWYG, what you see is what you get. I don’t have the time or energy to fool around and be someone or something that I’m not. I’m scared of going back to the dark ugly place of depression, as soon as I feel the darkness start to come in I fight hard to push it away. I plaster a smile on my face, even though inside I might be broken and breaking into a million pieces.

I’m scared that I don’t really have anything to show for what I’m doing. That I’m not truly making an impact. I hope that my legacy will be of benefit to this world.

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PS – I have a lot of things to catch up on and share her. Knitting projects, race reports, other crafty goodness… it will come, just not right this minute.

Free image courtesy of arztsamui/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

And just like that the calendar has turned another page, it’s hard to believe the first third of the year is over. April was a VERY busy month – Mr. Bubbinsky and the boys all had Spring Break; my mom is back in physical and occupational therapy regularly as part of her post-stroke recovery; school activities are in full swing leading to the end of the school year. Mr. Bubbinsky is finishing a 25-day stretch of work with only one day off, including weekends. A lot goes in to being an elementary school principal…

May is here and we’re looking at another busy month. Mr. Skinny will be graduating high school. (Excuse me while I take a moment to let that sink in!) Mr. Snugglebunny will have an overnight field trip at school. Mr. Bubbinsky will have another busy month at work as they prepare for the end of their school year. My mom has a slew of appointments scheduled. I’m going to participate in at least two races while still in full half-marathon training. First up, a Mother’s Day 5K – who needs breakfast in bed? Take me to go run a race! and then I’ll be running Bay to Breakers in SF on the 19th.

Half-marathon day is coming up on June 8th, it will be my first half-marathon. I’m in the midst of my training plan and some days it’s really hard to keep going. I have moments of hesitation, especially because I just went through a fibromyalgia flare. I get really nervous that my body is going to decide to flare on race day. I’m glad that my goal is to finish the race. I don’t have any expectations of time for this race, my only goal is to cross the finish line on my feet. Last weekend I was due for an 8 mile training run but I couldn’t complete it because of the flare. I hesitated even getting started but I knew I had to do as much as I could. I got on the treadmill and I mostly ran 3.509 miles in 1:00:01. I had to make a choice. I could either push through the 8 miles OR I could be smart about my training. I chose to be smart, if I would have completed the 8 miles I wouldn’t have been able to get out of bed for at least a day or two. I can’t afford that, it’s not just that I like getting out of bed every day but I need to get out of bed everyday. I’m glad I was smart and that I showed up and gave 100% during this training run. That’s all I can expect of myself.

With all of this going on I haven’t been reading any novels. I’ve been reading running magazines and I’m working my way through a couple of books about running. I finished my Saroyan scarf/shawlette, I still need to weave in the ends and to block it. I’m working on a super secret project in a different craft. I’ve also been working through an online Craftsy class to learn a knitting technique that I’ve never used before, I’ll post a review about when I get through the lessons.

My goals this month:

• Give my half-marathon training 100% of what I can every day. I’ve started some cross training and some strength training also to make me a better runner.
• Finish some craft projects that I have in progress.
• Wrap up some loose ends for my volunteer work at Mr. Snugglebunny’s school during this school year to start out next year on a better foot
• Read! I have got to get some reading in, I’ll never meet my goal for the year at this rate.
• Finish making some decisions about our summer plans including some household projects.
• Blog. I love writing and sharing. I need to make the time to post regularly. I’m glad I updated the theme and the look of it, I really like it. I hope you like it too.

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What have you been up to? Do you set monthly goals? Does it help you focus on the month ahead?

Free image courtesy of Danilo Rizzuti/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Happy Earth Day 2013!

I happen to be of the philosophy that every day is Earth Day. I don’t think there’s any reason why we can’t take care of our planet on a daily basis. I appreciate that we live in California, in the San Francisco Bay Area in fact and that we have a lot of programs and activities that help us do this easily. This may not be true for everyone.

In our current city on the San Francisco Peninsula we have single stream curbside recycling. It’s a lot easier to recycle when we don’t have to sort it all out and it can all go together. They also pick up batteries with our curbside recycling. When we lived in San Francisco we had curbside composting and that has to be one of the things I miss the most about living in the City. Mr. Bubbinsky works in San Francisco so when we do a lot of juicing I send bags of compost to work with him. Our county has now banned the use of plastic bags in stores. Stores are not allowed to give plastic bags for purchases – you can either bring your own bags or pay 10 cents per paper bag that they give you.

Some easy things we do to help take of our planet on a daily basis:

• We use Camelbak Groove water bottles. They have built-in water filters so that we can have refreshing filtered water to drink without the waste of plastic water bottles. We just refill it with tap water and then as we drink it filters it through the straw.

• We unplug as many things as possible to eliminate “phantom” electrical usage, i.e. to power the standby light on the Blu-ray player. In our bedroom, Mr. Bubbinsky and I each have a power strip for our bedside lamps, iPhone and iPad chargers for overnight charging of our electronics. In the morning, we turn off the power strip because we don’t use our bedside lamps or charge our things. I also keep everything in the kitchen unplugged: the toaster, coffemaker, blender, juicer; they all stay unplugged unless they are being used.

• We recycle every single thing we can.

• We freecycle things we no longer need or want that are still usable. For a freecycle group in your area, visit their website.

• Anything we can’t freecycle we donate to Goodwill.

• We donate clothing to an organization that works primarily with immigrant women in San Francisco.

• We receive books that are new to us by using PaperBackSwap. This is how we also pass along books we no longer want.

• We’ve changed the majority of our lightbulbs to CFL bulbs as the ones that were here when we moved in the house burn out.

Some things we need to work on:

• Reducing food waste. Sometimes we have leftovers that don’t get eaten and eventually get thrown away.

• Our car usage. We use our cars a lot and we are not in a position to purchase newer, more efficient cars. We just need to be smarter about how we drive our cars.

I’m sure there are other things that we can do. I think we have to be conscious of what resources we’re using and how we’re treating the planet. Our future generations are counting on us to leave them something to work with.

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What are some ways you are protecting our planet? Please share them with us in the comments, maybe we’ll all learn something new.

Earlier this year I posted about not knowing the current state of my WIPs and I committed to working on Saroyan so that I could finish it in the early part of this year. Well, as they say “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” My intention was to figure out where I was in the pattern, take off from there and finish Saroyan quickly. I really am looking forward to wearing it as an actual scarf and not just accessorizing with it on knitting needles in my hands, that’s not really the point. The problem is that after I figured out where I was in the pattern I lost it… I couldn’t find the project bag no matter where I looked and I looked everywhere.

I was checking the coat closet where we keep the reusable tote bags for the grocery store, they had all gotten bunched up in there after a recent big trip to the grocery store. Well, it seems that somehow my project bag with Saroyan ended up mixed in with all the other bags. We have so many reusable tote bags that we hadn’t used the ones from the closet again. I was so happy, I think I jumped up and down and did a happy dance.

Since finding it I haven’t let Saroyan out of my sight for too long. I always double check to make sure I know where it is amongst the bags I have been rotating through. I’ve been knitting while riding in the car, while sitting in the recliner, while sitting in bed, and even when sitting in the chair at the infusion center while getting my IV Orencia treatment. The nice thing is that my nurses know that I like to knit while getting my infusion and we’ve figured out that if they place the IV in my hand I can usually work on any project with very little, if any discomfort.

Knitting Saroyan during Orencia IV infusion

As of right now I’m 66% finished, 2/3 of the way finished having completed 24 out of 36 planned repeats. I’m following someone’s project notes on Ravelry to use up the full skein of Malabrigo sock – 8 increase repeats, 20 straight repeats and 8 decrease repeats. I’ve completed 16 of the 20 straight repeats. I hope to finish another repeat before I go to bed. I can’t wait to finish this so I can block it. Maybe next week I can share it for FO Friday…

I share my specifics about the math for my friend, Mariana, who reads my blog and is a middle school math teacher. She sent me a text the other day flabbergasted that the person who helped her at Jamba Juice had to take out paper and pen to figure out how much change to give her when she paid cash for her smoothie.

This week I’m linking up with Tami for WIP Wednesday on Tami’s Amis and with Ginny for Yarn Along on Small Things

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What are you working on? Please share in the comments, I love to find inspiration in all of your projects.

It’s my Blogiversary! I can’t believe for the past 5 years I’ve had a little corner of the Internet in which I share my thoughts with all of you.

Image courtesy of digitalart/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The past five years have been eventful and full of many adventures. They are all a part of our normal lives and how we continue to redefine what normal is to us. When I started this blog my kids were 12 and 5, now they are 17 and 10. Normal has definitely changed for them and for us. There have been changes to each of us personally and to all of us as a family unit. We are growing and changing and I hope that this blog will grow and change with us. Today we “celebrated” with a much needed quiet day. I had a chance to rest, to knit and to recharge.

Thank you for your support and for sharing with me! I’m looking forward to another long while here in my blogging space.

On a recent trip to the library I picked up Sewing Basics: All You Need to Know About Machine and Hand Sewing by Sandra Bardwell. I’ve taken several sewing classes and own many sewing books but I’m always on the lookout for other resources. Different books and different instructors all have different ways of explaining sewing techniques and what works for some people may not work for others.

This book has 15 chapters, or sections, that cover these topics:

• Getting organized
• Tools of the trade
• Sewing machines
• Fabrics and interfacings
• Understanding patterns
• Cutting out, tacking, and basting
• Basic hand and machine stitches
• Sewing and finishing seams
• Creating shape and fitting
• Linings, facings, and hems
• Design details
• Fastenings
• Trims and surface decoration
• Embroidery
• Alterations and repairs

There are nice, full color photographs as well as charts and tables to illustrate the different points in each section. It is a nice mix of both written and visual instructions, particularly in the section about understanding patterns. Although there are many nice beginner sewing patterns on the market, there are not always clear explanations of what all the symbols mean and how to make changes if necessary.

I was very pleased with this book. I like how the different topics were broken up and the graphics were great to illustrate different points and techniques. Even though I have some experience sewing I have added this book to my wishlist. There are some techniques that are explained in this book much better than I have found in other books. I recommend this book for anyone who is interested in beginning to sew or experienced sewers who would like to add another resource to their library.

This book is available online and likely at brick-and-mortar bookstores. I’m glad they had it at my local library so that I could look at it carefully before deciding to purchase it.

**No compensation was received for this post. I am in no way connected to the book author or publisher. I checked this book out from the local library, all opinions and thoughts are my own.**

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What do you consider to be must have books for your craft(s)? Please let us know in the comments, maybe you’ll help someone find a new resource.

Just when I thought things were settling down and not much else could possibly be thrown into the mix, we had Thursday.

Thursday mornings are when I go to the Infusion Center at the hospital and get my methotrexate injection, every four weeks I also get Orencia infusion, to treat my rheumatoid arthritis. I don’t generally like leaving my mom home alone when I go for my appointments so I get her up extra early and take her with me. This past Thursday we decided to go out for breakfast after my injection.

We went to a restaurant near our home and enjoyed a nice meal. We were almost ready to leave and my mom needed to go to the restroom. It has been nearly seven months since her stroke and she is trying to be more independent. She insisted she could go to the restroom on her own and against my better judgment I didn’t insist on walking with her to the bathroom. Unfortunately, she fell in the restroom stall. It’s unclear if she slipped and fell, tripped and fell, regardless of how it happened she ended up cutting her lip. The restaurant called 911 while I went in to help her. The paramedics came to the restaurant and checked her out. They assessed her and determined she was not having a medical emergency and that I could take her home as long as I scheduled an appointment to take her to be seen for sutures in her lip that same day.

I took her in to the Minor Injury Clinic, they applied glue to the cut on the outer part of her lip and decided that the cut on the inside of her lip was best to left alone. I mentioned to the Nurse Practitioner who saw her that while in the waiting room I had noticed a twitching in her hand, something that is very much out of the ordinary for my mom. Once in the exam room I noticed she had some facial twitching as well. The Nurse Practitioner suggested that we monitor anything else out of the ordinary and contact my mom’s primary care provider. We got back home and I settled my mom in to the couch to rest with an ice pack. Mr. Bubbinsky stayed home with her while I went to Mr. Snugglebunny’s school to pick him up and deal with an Athletic Board task. Mr. Bubbinsky called me to tell me that my mom had fallen again and she was not responding to him so he was calling 911. He wasn’t in the room when she fell so we didn’t know for sure what had caused her fall.

A friend of mine was wonderful and took Mr. Snugglebunny to my in-laws house after school while I drove home to figure out what was going on. By the time I got to the house the firefighters were making an assessment and the ambulance was on its way. I freaked out on my way home because I had no idea what had happened and I wasn’t there to see for myself what had happened or what was happening. The firefighters were very reassuring – her heart rate was good, her blood pressure was in the normal range, her breathing was steady, her blood sugar was normal, her neurological assessment didn’t lead them to believe she was having a stroke. In their experience they thought it was most likely that she had a seizure. She’s never had a seizure before and there is no family history of seizures.

In the emergency room they did all sorts of exams – CT scan, blood work, urine analysis, etc. They determined that the most likely scenario was a seizure and she’s now taking an anti-seizure medication. She is also on a course of antibiotics for a small infection they found in the lab work. When we were close to discharge my mom said she remembered that her whole body had started shaking when she was laying on the couch – confirming for all of us that she had a seizure. This coming week she’ll have an EEG and a follow-up visit with the neurologist. The ENT is also still trying to figure out what happened to her hearing, she’s due for her follow-up hearing test to determine if they’ll continue with the steroid injections into the middle ear space.

My mom says she’s done, she doesn’t want any more medical incidents. I don’t blame her, I don’t know how much more we can handle and I really don’t want to find out.

On Ravelry I participate in a group that holds swaps several times per year with a color theme, Color Swap. I’ve participated in this group for a couple of years now, we just completed Round 17 and I received a wonderful package from Maggie. For this swap I posted this color palette for inspiration with a particular emphasis on the teal directly in the center or one similar in tone and value.

I love going to the design seeds site to find color inspiration and palettes that already work well together.

As you can see Maggie sent me a wonderful package, it included many of my favorite things. She included a pair of Wonder Woman socks that have capes attached to them, a pair of spa socks, some blinged out clothespins (I think I’ll put magnets on the backs of these), T-pins to help with blocking knit items, some buttons and pins that she picked up at Stitches West, a small container of beads, some of Maggie’s own handmade beads, some Dia de Los Muertos themed fabric, snacks, a handknit cowl, a mixed media canvas, a bookmark, nail polish. Take a look at some of the close-up photos.

A handmade cowl, a mixed media canvas and bookmark. All made by Maggie.

Some of Maggie’s own handmade glass beads.

Some buttons and pins that Maggie picked up at Stitches West.

Nail polish in two great shades of teal. I can’t wait to try these out!

Two skeins of Three Irish Girls Springvale DK weight yarn in Eavan.

I absolutely love Maggie’s interpretation of my chosen color. She did a wonderful job researching the things I like and putting together a great package. I’ve already visited Maggie’s etsy shop and will definitely be looking to add some more of her beads to my collection. Maggie is a mixed media and glass bead artist. She’s also a student teacher and graduate student. She sure is busy and I’m honored that she took the time to do compile this collection of goodies for me.

I truly enjoy participating in the Color Swap group, I have as much fun putting together a package for my recipient partner as I do breaking open a package and looking at the goodies I’ve received.

With everything that happened in February my reading really slowed down. I was only able to read 4 books which I guess is still on track for reading an average of one book per week but I was hoping to read more. I have read 10 books so far this year, according to Goodreads I am 2 books ahead of schedule.

In February I read:

1. Jeneration X: One Reluctant Adult’s Attempt to Unarrest Her Arrested Development; Or Why It’s Never Too Late for Her Dumb Ass to Learn Why Froot Loops Are Not for Dinner by Jen Lancaster
2. Dark Angel: Notes on Anxiety and Depression by Peter Wunstorf
3. Knit One Pearl One by Gil McNeil
4. The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane by Kate DiCamillo

I’ve read most of Jen Lancaster’s books and I’ve always enjoyed her writing. This was her 6th memoir and the first after her novel, If You Were Here. Like I posted on my goodreads review I didn’t find this memoir as funny as her others. Her writing has had me literally laugh out loud before, I’ve pretty much cackled when reading her stuff and gotten quite the interesting looks from passersby. Not so much with this book, she had some interesting examples to define being an adult and some funny stories but there weren’t any really that made me laugh out loud.

Dark Angel is a non-fiction book about dealing with depression and anxiety. I enjoyed reading this book, the stories were easy to relate to and the author included a section on resources after the section with the stories. It was interesting to see the different things that he tried and how he responded to different treatments and helpful activities (yoga, meditation, etc). I definitely recommend for anyone dealing with depression and/or anxiety. It’s one of those books that helps someone feel that they are not alone.

Gil McNeil’s book was the third in a series about main character Jo Mackenzie, owner of a small knitting shop in a seaside town in England. I had previously read the first two books and I didn’t realize there was a third. I happened to run across it when I was at the library and I picked it up. I’m glad I did. Although it took me a little while to figure out exactly what was going on with all the characters because it had been about two years since I’d read the first two. This is more evidence for me that I should read a series in its entirety back to back when possible. Once I got my bearings it was definitely an enjoyable and quick read.

My cousin Ivonne recommended I read The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane. At first I was engrossed in the book, I was reading it very quickly and I couldn’t get enough of the story. When I finished reading I did have a feeling of “wait, what did I just read?” It was an interesting story told from the point of view of a porcelain rabbit and he tells of his travels. I felt like the book plateaud after a certain point but I was too invested in the book to not finish it.

I’m glad that even though February was a hectic month that I’m still on pace to finish 52 books this year. What about you? How are you doing on any reading goals you’ve set? What have you read lately and what are you looking forward to reading? Please share in the comments.