‘Tell me who you are’ — 3 reasons to share your story

Apr 14, 2013 6:00 AM EDT (from Fox News Opinion Quick Page-from Robert V. Taylor)

It was a life-shifting question from South African social right activist and Anglican Bishop Desmond Tutu inviting me to tell him about my life – “Not what you’ve done, but who you are.” No one had ever asked me such a question before. Most of us expect the inevitable question of “What do you do?” from strangers. When you can respond to “Tell me who you are” a dramatic shift happens in your engagement with others and your experience of life.

It was 1980 and I was in my first one-on-one meeting with Tutu. I had decided that instead of serving in the South African military — which enforced apartheid — I would go to jail. I didn’t know if I could survive prison so I went seeking Tutu’s advice. I was a 22-year-old privileged white kid in the presence of a 49-year-old internationally known human rights activist who was an iconic figure to me. I was honored to be in his presence and my nervousness quickly gave way to being floored by his unexpected question.

As I told him about the physical pain that had transformed my life during two spinal surgeries as a teenager I wondered why I was intuitively telling him these details. I spoke about the loneliness and fears while hospitalized for six weeks at a time. I related how a book I read and re-read in the hospital by Trevor Huddleston had upended my life.

Huddleston described the vibrant multi-ethnic, multi-cultural community he had served outside of Johannesburg that had been bulldozed by the apartheid government because of those defining qualities. I described Huddleston’s book as my first conscious awakening to the realities of my own country and an invitation to be involved in the anti-apartheid movement.

When I told Tutu that Huddleston had been like a visitor to me in the hospital he burst out laughing! I wondered what I had said to evoke such a reaction. After settling down Tutu told me of the loneliness and fears he had experienced as a teenager hospitalized with tuberculosis. Then he said, “Trevor Huddleston was my priest. He used to visit and read stories to me.”

In that moment I realized how profound Tutu’s simple question was. “Tell me who you are” is an invitation to discover who we are in oneness with others revealed through unexpected connecting stories. It is why the question matters for the sake of our well-being and that of the world. On the surface anyone might have assumed that there not much of a common thread to our lives. Yet his question revealed shared transformation, decades apart. On this new common ground he said that there would be a time for young men like me to go to jail for refusing to serve but that time was not now. He arranged for me to leave the country and within ten days I was on a flight to New York City.

So how do you respond to the question of “Tell me who you are” and what does it mean for your life?

Own the fullness of your story! When we are mindfully aware of the arc of our story it becomes an invitation to see the many threads woven together. Instead of banishing the painful or fearful experiences to a closet, choose a trusted guide or mentor to be authentic with. Tell your stories in a safe environment and listen to yourself with expectancy about what they reveal or point to. Your own courage will become a mirror to loving yourself.

The fear, loneliness and physical boundaries of the spinal surgeries could have handicapped my view of myself.  I could have chosen to live with anger, resentment or pity. Instead it offered me the gift of compassion and empathy towards others. Instead of youthful invincibility my awareness of the frailty of human life became an invitation to live life fully in every moment.

Most of us prefer the joyous, happy and wonderful experiences of our journey. Yet it is usually the challenging parts of our story that shed new light on how we choose to live with gratitude and delight. When you own the fullness of your story, the superficiality of “tell me what you do,” becomes a poor substitute for “tell me who you are” that reveals your richly textured life egging you on to live fully alive.

Listen with curiosity. Like the ever-expanding Universe, the arc of your story reveals new insights and wisdom in each new season of your life. Instead of living with regret, shame or embarrassment about some part of your story those defining experiences invite you to develop new tenderness and compassion toward yourself.

That combination of attentiveness and self-love takes you beyond self-absorption to a life that is enlivened by curiosity. You intuitively become engaged with others because you want to know what their story reveals. Like the unexpected connecting story that Tutu and I shared, you discover surprising connection with others. Like mine, your life is changed by those encounters.

Cultivate Awe.  Studies reveal that our capacity for awe expands our sense of fulfillment, meaning and satisfaction. When I experience awe in nature, music or a soaring architectural space I am awake to being part of the grandeur of life beyond any confines of my story.  Similarly, I am awed by the stories of those who know who they are.

Lives of courage and love filled with simple and seemingly small actions of hope leave me breathless! If I’m tempted to view my life as a series of obligations or something whose course is set, the stories of those who know who they are pull me back from that life-draining path. Instead my awe finds expression in gratitude for the abundant generosity their lives point to. Awe becomes a pathway of celebrating our oneness.

In owning the fullness of your story with the companions of curiosity and awe your life is seen through a new lens. Instead of what you do, the knowledge of who you are transforms what it means to be human and fully alive. How will you choose?

Today, I still work in PR, but the initials now stand for preventing regrets, as my new client suggested today while initiating a project for his wife’s parents:

I gave my mother a couple of books to fill in. One had too many questions, but the other made the process quite simple. She died more than 10 years ago leaving only the rough outlines of what she intended to write. We weren’t able to piece together the content. Now I visit my aunt to ask questions about her that I wish I’d asked my mother far sooner.

If I were to explain Living Stories in terms of a new RACE formula, it would begin with Realizing the value of the life to be captured and recorded. Asking and Answering the most relevant questions of living individuals and resources expands upon remembered experiences.  Coalescing follows, melding what’s gathered into a coherent, compelling narrative. Finally, Enriching a family’s or community’s appreciation and knowledge of life through the eyes of special individuals is the surest way to prevent regrets.

Janette Quinn, LivingStories.us

I just wanted to say “thank you” yet again for conducting this very interesting group.  Didn’t we have a good time Wednesday?  I was personally surprised that people not only wrote something, but weren’t afraid to read it.  I had assumed I wouldn’t read anything myself, but when others did, it just seemed natural. . . You are a very good leader, drawing people out, supporting their effort, and making suggestions in a way that makes them excited to go on.  That’s neat. . . We all seem to be doing this for personal reasons that differ in an interesting way from one another; memoir, therapy, clarification of things that we’d let slip away into the recesses of our brains. Whatever.  The writing in itself is an important thing for each of us.  Thank you for enabling all that.  

I could not have summed up better the beauty, opportunity and wonderful relief of sharing our lives.

Another friend is sorting and purging hundreds of long-held treasures, preparing to move. He said, “If only there were stories of all these things, I wouldn’t be so reluctant to part with them. They hold all my memories. If my kids don’t want them, and family, friends and the Church don’t want them, I guess I’ll hold a garage sale and donate the rest.”  The bittersweet reality is that we can carry “things” only so long before we have to part.

We’ll have our stories until we forget them. Writing and sharing now will assure that they last and will bond us to others eternally. They take up only the space and time to write and then store them, be it on paper, in a computer file or in the “cloud” somewhere.

Janette Quinn, owner

LivingStories.us

Hi, Jan,

I am writing to tell you that Scott’s dad, Fred, passed away on February 1st at age 93. His last illness was short and he died peacefully in the hospital. Scott’s mom, Joan, now resides (at age 88) in an Alzheimer’s unit in a nursing facility.

I want to tell you how much it meant to everyone to have their life story put down on paper. To be able to refer to it at the visitation for Mac last week was such a blessing. I am so glad that our paths put us together and that I was able to give to my two boys a copy of your wonderful history of their grandparents. They treasured their grandma and grandpa and now they have their life stories to remember them by.

 Jane McDonald  2/10/2013

_______________________
Dear Janette:

On behalf of the American Daughters of Sweden, THANK YOU for your valuable program at our Naperville luncheon on February 9. You did your homework before coming to do the program, and I know that contributed to the success. I know that everyone took something away with them that will stimulate and encourage writing their stories.

You wove our background into the rationale for writing things down now and sorting and organizing the details.  Everything was so well done. Thank you again, you made my job easy and also made me look good for finding such a good program for the club.  LuAnn gets credit, too–she ‘found’ you!  Happy Valentine’s Day!  Please feel free to share my note. 

Fondly, 

Eleanor Swanson Rzeminski 2/10/2013

_______________________

Dear Janette:

Thanks so much for these first 20 pages.  I love what you’ve done. Your clarity for my life story project shows that you are passionate about your work. Your story craft skills are tremendous, and you’ve brought an integrative cohesion to my discrete experiences. 

I look forward to our next interview and can’t wait to see the remaining story. I envision readers identifying with the themes of the encounters described and smile in anticipation of how many people we are going to help.

Brian McGing, 2/8/2013

Janette, I’ve just opened my Living Story with all the pictures and final work you did, and I’m almost at a loss for words! It’s so beautiful; I love the way it flows and how it captures my essence; all the things I have done and felt and would never have said without your help.

I’m so thankful for this gift for my family after so many challenging years. I’ve shared my experience with colleagues, friends and neighbors. Working on my story with you has brought my life full circle. 

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. . . If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”

My most fascinating life story clients are those who overcame great hardships early to achieve their ideal careers and relationships. Those who struggle to discuss their own lives have lived in the shadow of others who controlled them or relied too heavily upon their support. The happiest are people who managed to achieve independent goals while maintaining connections with those who love them.

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

“Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.”

Many men admit that their wives raised the children while they traveled or worked long hours. Professionals of both genders regularly sacrifice their children’s youth and their partners’ companionship for money, promotions and still more responsibilities. A positive lesson in a frustrating economy is that material assets are fragile, fleeting and not worth the emphasis we place upon having more than enough.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

“Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.”

Fear of expression stems from low self-esteem. Some people live their lives by the mother’s rule: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Withholding emotional information and true reactions, however, prevents others from really knowing us. Many studies have shown that psychological and physical ailments result from pent-up resentment, bitterness and loneliness.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

“Be true to your work, your word, and your friend.”

It’s sometimes necessary to rely upon friends when we are ill or needing help. Too often, we stay wrapped up in ourselves doing routine activities instead of nurturing close relationships with time and effort. A plaque in my home serves as a constant reminder: “Take time to smell the roses with a friend.”

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”

In “The Feeling Good Handbook,” David Burns, M.D., posits that happiness is a choice driven by thoughts. If we fill our days and heads with “shoulds,” absolutes, negative conclusions, labeling and blame, we are stuck in the angst of old patterns. Letting ourselves be happy requires switching to convincing, valid and rational statements that affirm our value, promote optimism and help us to laugh in the face of challenges.

What’s your greatest life regret? What would you like to achieve or change before you die? When will you start?

“Things do not change; we change.”

I am interested in having my dad’s memoirs written. He is a very wonderful, colorful, soon-to-be 88-year-old WWII marine veteran. Mom and Dad, the kindest people I’ve ever known, were married for 63 years. Mom passed at 85 three years ago. My dad has told us such great stories about their life, stories while in the War, their marriage and the four of us children growing up in Troy, Michigan. I have always been very close to both my parents and feel that it’s important to capture these stories.

My parents live in Cincinnati, Ohio but were born in the Philippines. My siblings and I have encouraged them, now at ages 71 and 75, to write down their memories, but it’s been a slow process. Dad still works as a physician and their lives are very busy. Everyone is meeting at our home over the holidays. Can you help?

The poignant messages of daughters like these fill me with respect for what their parents have taught: that life is valuable, that family matters and that everything not carefully preserved will one day be lost. My work ethic is fueled by a similar passion. For that reason, I collaborate with individuals and families to explore and capture everything that makes lives unique.

On December 12, I will be conducting a workshop with caregivers and families of Alzheimer’s patients to help them elicit memories from long ago. One of the ideas I’ll present is asking for stories about each special holiday decoration, be it an ornament, a collection of dishes or a nativity set, in the loved one’s possession or home. Another is reviewing photos together using a recorder to “take notes.” Many families have albums without narrative descriptions, some of which may be easily provided by loved ones who will one day be absent from celebrations.

A third idea is to ask the senior relative to share appropriate journals or letters from an earlier time in his/her life. They may be read aloud by someone else as necessary, but elaborated upon when questions are posed by listeners. All of these ideas will honor and celebrate the family member’s life while preserving important history for everyone to cherish.

Estate sales, however, are my most challenging venues. While they satisfy my bargain instinct and nurture my interest in how people have lived, I struggle with sadness that a life is over or dramatically changing. Just today, I wistfully paid a total of $32 for 12 candles, a new pair of slipper socks and an elegant, hand-painted set of four wine glasses and a carafe.

My “finds” were part of an “estate” or “the whole of one’s possessions” according to one dictionary.  So why didn’t someone in the family want each of these items? They represented the life of a loved one.

And yet, I know the downside of owning too many things. (While I love a good deal, I’ve never been a hoarder.) I’m fairly certain that there are few things in my possession that my son or daughter would want for their own. Exceptions may be those to which they attach some memory of our relationship.

Despite the controversy personal assets sometimes create, it’s really not the things people value; it’s the life itself. The family’s financial and material gains after a death stand in sharp contrast to what’s been lost:  the physical presence of a loved one who will never again be able to explain why they owned and kept each item. After all, they are only things to be bought or sold; our real estate is what’s in our hearts.

Living Stories: Get them While you Can

My parents died of cancer when I was 18. They were 55 and 60. I’m about to outlive them knowing very little about their lives and ancestors. For that reason, I joined DCGS.

That’s also why I write life stories for people and their families. The work helps them look back, within and forward to reflect upon their years with gratitude and perspective. The outcomes; books, recordings or videos; become permanent records and keepsakes that honor loved ones’ time on earth.

Sometimes it’s not easy to hear about someone’s life. People can be shy, sad or more private than we would like. Still, it’s worthwhile to learn what we can about loved ones before it’s too late…before all we have are public records.

To ensure that your living family members’ stories (and your own) are kept in perpetuity, find a quiet, private place with your loved one at a time at which you’re both feeling well. With permission, turn on a small, inexpensive digital recorder from which you can later download responses to your computer. Then, try these queries:
• What place would you most like to show me from any time in your history because of the memories it evokes for you? Take me there…How did it look? Why was it special to you? What is the most important thing that happened to you there, and why?
• When did you first learn that you had a talent or skill that you enjoyed and/or others could appreciate? Who or what encouraged you to pursue it, and how? Have you ever wondered what you’d have done had you not developed that ability? If so, what was your conclusion?
• What have been the three main turning points in your life? Which moments or events dramatically changed its course, circumstances or focus? How did you get through them to be a different and/or better person? How did you feel about your choices over time?
• Who were/are the most important people in your life’s progress, success and happiness? What exactly did they do for and with you to make a difference in how things turned out? How did you express your feelings for them, and if you haven’t, how might you today?
• As you look back, what have you found to be the hardest lesson in your life? What principles have guided you? What items would you place in a time capsule to share who you were with a family member opening it 100 years from now?

Lives are vast, rich collections of experiences that, if written, will fascinate, inform and entertain others about their world. Whether you write a loved one’s story or your own, you will capture truth to understand it better and to pass on its lessons to those who will cherish the message. By learning and sharing as much as possible about living individuals, we are enriching and enlightening future genealogical research.