Blog | liz4cps reflections

Finding peace when all feels crazy

Fri, 12 Aug 2011 00:37:45 -0400

In our Peace in Chronic Illness chat room and in the old Rest Ministries chat room, there've been many times when someone is facing problems that leave them feeling like nearly everything has been taken away from them. Perhaps life has been turned upside down with terrible pain that goes on and on or perhaps problem after problem is coming and, with existing illness, it is difficult or impossible to see how you can handle it all. At these times, we have a lot of questions for God about this. It seems impossible to have peace. The thoughts below come out of discussions we've had. It's amazing how God can work, even in a chat room!

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Mountains comfort me, reminding me of God's greatness.

This is a subject close to my heart. So many chronically ill Christians are hurting because they think if they believed better, they would be healed. Or maybe if they prayed right or had the right kind of faith or something. Or maybe they realize that's not the case but they keep hearing it from Christian friends. And whether or not they quite believe that, they may well feel like God's put them on a shelf. It's a really tough place to be, feeling God has rejected you on top of the pain and limitations of the illness itself. It can leave you feeling like your world's turned upside down and trying to cope with the changes.

Of course, other things can leave you feeling like everything is crazy, like when a trusted person betrays you or when someone you held in high esteem is shown to have very serious problems. Someone I know was led to the Lord by a pastor who later fell into sexual sin. That can leave you wondering a bit about what you believe and if you've adopted beliefs that aren't right.

So how do we find peace in these situations? The first thing that helped me was in the old chat room, when someone reminded me that God loves my son more than I do. At the time, Iain was not quite 13, and I was feeling that my illness had hurt him by preventing me from caring for him as I want to. The reminder helped me realize that while my illness might limit what I can do with him, God was looking out for him, too. I could trust God with him.

Then I started thinking about Philippians 4:6-7:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

God wants us to talk to Him and tell Him everything we're worried about. Jesus died so our relationship with the Lord could be restored; that's how much He wants us to know Him. He wants to talk to Him about everything and begin to understand His perspective on it. We can be honest with Him and tell Him we're afraid or anxious -- and He doesn't condemn us:

There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. - Romans 8:1

We can bring all those things to Him and start to trust Him with them. We can cling to the things we know are true, like how much He loves us and how He's helped us in the past. We can thank Him for the good things. We echo Peter:

Lord, where else can we go? You have the words of eternal life. (paraphrasing John 6:68)

Keep praying, keep seeking Him. Perhaps find a friend who can listen and love us -- to demonstrate God's love for us "with skin on", even in a chat room. We can pray together and seek God's will together. Sometimes this can make it easier to see how God might be working or to see the scary situation more clearly. Jesus also died so we can truly love each other.

As we seek Him and as we trust Him, He gives us peace, as He promises in Philippians 4:6-7 above. His peace doesn't depend on us understanding why things happen or on us praying exactly the right way. It isn't something we need to work up somehow or to earn. It's a free gift that He gives as we look to Him, remembering His help in the past and His promises. He loves us so much and meets us more than half way!

This peace He gives does "guard our hearts". I picture the peace deep inside, that even while much activity and even chaos is around us, inside we can be steady and sure because Jesus is there. The chaos can't really touch us. This doesn't mean we're passive because God may well be guiding us to step out and take action, but it does mean that deep inside we know that somehow all is well. Even though we can't understand why God is allowing this situation, we can still walk in His peace.

Of course, since we are human, a new symptom or new limitation or some other new circumstance that we just can't understand might come along and we can become worried and fearful again. Like Peter walking on water, we get distracted by the chaos. Look back to Jesus, talk to the Him...

Do we always have peace? No... But God's grace is amazing, and we can have peace in situations that make no sense to us because they make sense to God and we can trust Him thru them.

About childhood trauma

Sun, 07 Aug 2011 20:50:08 -0400

I talk to a lot of people who have trauma from their childhoods and see the struggles they have in their lives today and in trying to heal. They need love, acceptance, and a lot of listening to. I think a lot of people not touched by trauma know, at least intellectually, that such trauma leaves long lasting scars and makes the victim’s life more difficult. I suspect, however, that they do not realize how pervasive it is; how it effects so much of someone’s life and how hard it is to heal from it, especially when you're talking about someone who was traumatized as a small child. It’s easy to think, that was such a long time ago, why haven’t you gotten past this yet? In addition, many Christians will think, you just need to forgive, forget, and move on. It is true that forgiveness is part of the healing process, but when childhood trauma is involved, forgiveness is complicated. I’ll explain that a bit more further down.

First, let me tell you a little more about how I know what I’m sharing here. First, while I did not grow up with trauma, I did grow up in a home that was dysfunctional in some pretty obvious ways; I don’t want to be very specific here. So, I know a little about the dynamics of knowing things aren’t exactly “normal” in your house and yet not knowing what you don’t know. I also know about developing coping skills that aren’t too helpful when you’re grown and making your own life. And I know something about how healing and forgiving can take a long time.

Second, in the last few years, I’ve spent a lot of time talking to people who had horrific things done to them when they were children. I have talked to some who have healed, some who have healed partially, and others that who have not been able to heal much, yet. I have also done a lot of reading about this subject and have asked about a million questions from folks who know. I am not really an expert but there seems to be a need to explain something about healing and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) to friends and family of victims of childhood trauma.

I am writing this because as I talked to friends with PTSD, they often find it difficult to explain it to others, even friends and family that truly care about them and want to help. They often don't understand why someone with PTSD can't just put it behind them and move on -- or at least why they don't heal more quickly. So, I am hoping to shed some light about this.

What is PTSD?

PTSD is actually a normal response to a very abnormal situation. When a child is the victim of violence, especially at a very young age, the child is confused and doesn’t understand the hurt and pain. Since the child has no way to escape it or to protect themselves, they learn to cope by doing things like disassociating which involves “going away” -- removing themselves mentally from the situation. This helps the child to survive but being detached and so young means they don’t fully understand what happened or why. They may also disassociate to the point of not even remembering what happened. To further complicate things, the perpetrator purposely deceives and confuses, often telling the child that this was somehow their fault; perhaps they say the child was flirting or “asking for it”; the child is told they were bad. The child may start thinking that innocent play was wrong because it meant they were asking for this. In short, right and wrong get completely mixed up.

I know from my own experience that things you learn as a child stay deep inside you, unquestioned, for many years. If the adults in your life that are supposed to protect you are treating you that way, then you must really be bad. Part of healing is bringing truth here -- that you weren’t perfect but the perpetrator is the one that was in the wrong. No matter how a child behaves or misbehaves, it's never alright to abuse them. You may realize some of the really obvious wrong things were wrong, but you are probably missing many less obvious things. The children grow up, still believe lies about how life is supposed to work, and the lies are still hurting them. Worse, while they might not abuse their own children as adults, they may copy some of the harmful patterns that they never recognized as wrong.

Blocked memories do occur; this is probably related to the disassociation. There has been a lot of controversy about this because in decades past, therapists have gotten some to “remember” something that never happened. Now, thankfully, therapists are very careful about making suggestions now. However, true memories really are blocked at times; I have talked to people who have physical and emotional scars but no clear memory of how they got them. They may have flashbacks of images that don't make a lot of sense. They may have "body memories" where their body reacts in unusual ways for no apparent reason. In other cases, memories are not formed when abuse occurs in a very young child.

Most, if not all, survivors of abuse have, at one time or another, used some form of self harm as a way to cope with the physical and emotional pain, the feelings, and the fears. Some develop eating disorders as a way to make themselves less attractive in an attempt to protect themselves. A woman might avoid eating in an attempt to look less feminine -- or overeat so as to not be as pretty. Some cut themselves, not as a way to try to commit suicide but as a way to deal with the pain. These are dangerous practices, but it is very difficult to stop. As survivors being to heal, they learn new, healthier ways of coping, and these dangerous self harm behaviors begin to diminish. Meds can also help with this, too, by blunting the pain and making it easier to deal with the pain.

In addition, many or most also deal with depression, anxiety or panic disorders, and phobias. These can be trying for friends and family, when a survivor wants to avoid certain situations and you and they both know that it really is mostly likely safe. Much patience is required; abuse is extremely damaging.

Triggering

If you have met someone with PTSD, you may have noticed that one thing that happens is that they trigger. Triggering is when a word, a sound, a smell, or a situation reminds them of past trauma and they are suddenly there again; that’s called a flashback. The pain, the fear, the feelings flood back and they feel as if it’s happening all over again. There are ways to try to cope with triggers -- feet flat on the floor, look around and see where you really are. Sometimes, things don’t quite cause a trigger but do cause a lot of anxiety; worries of a more vague nature.

I have talked to some about ways to de-trigger. The best way is to heal but that is a long slow process and actually involves triggering because that’s a link to the memories (ok, half my friends who have PTSD just stopped reading), but in a place where they know they are actually safe -- like with a therapist. A faster way to de-trigger is to use desensitization techniques. This is where you are again in a place that you know is safe and then, for example, speak a word that usually triggers you and use the coping skills above to deal with the triggering. You repeat this and gradually get used to the word itself not actually being dangerous, that the bad things you expect to happen do not. The latter technique does not address the underlying problem, but it can help someone with PTSD be able to function more easily.

Future posts

I am planning to write more on this, in particular about forgiveness and healing -- generally about how and a bit about how hard it is. I'll add links to future posts here as I add them.

Oversimplified?

Please remember that there is more to this that I know and tons more I don't. God has allowed me to help some friends in their struggles, but I've also been learning that people are very complicated. If you know someone who survived childhood trauma, do not put them in a box of any kind, not even from what you learn here. Listen, listen, listen. Don't assume you understand their experiences. Love them and don't judge them. Help them be safe and feel safe. Show them what God's love looks like.

Thoughts about Sovereign Grace Ministries

Fri, 15 Jul 2011 23:24:24 -0400

Years ago, I was member of Covenant Life Church (CLC), the flagship church of Sovereign Grace Ministries (SGM). My experience at CLC was overall quite good. I grew in knowing and worshiping the Lord and respected the leadership. My best friends were there as we joined while we were in college, and just after. Their acceptance of me and respect for me helped me grow and heal -- helped me to forgive the hurts I had from when I was a kid. There were a few things that they taught that I disagreed with, quietly.

I left CLC in 1987 when I moved to California and got married to someone who was not a member of the church. I would go back and visit occasionally. I happened to be at the Sunday morning service at the SGM church in Pasadena the last Sunday Ché Ahn was there. I also went to CLC when I was back east for a visit when Iain was a baby and later after we moved back east. I fully intended to join the Fairfax SGM church, but my sleep apnea prevented me from doing so. I did visit CLC and then attend the Fairfax church for a while but not long enough to join. It was mostly good; I felt very welcomed and because I had been a member of CLC way back when, folks looked up to me and I was respected, but I didn't feel like I deserved it. (Sorry I'm not giving the names correctly here; they've changed a couple times and I've been losing track)

I did have some odd conversations there and began to realize that in the intervening years (this was about 1998), I had grown in one direction while the church seemed to have moved in another.

About parenting

I had known all along that I had discarded some of the teaching from CLC, taking, for example, a less strict approach to raising children. They had taught children should obey instantly and cheerfully. They also taught that you should spank from a fairly young age and overall draw a pretty hard line. Well, I wasn't going to do the instant thing, mostly because I am not that quick myself to move; I joke that the only thing I do fast is type. And the cheerfully part seemed odd to me somehow; it just didn't feel right. I probably would have followed the teachings if I was still a part of the church, but I didn't feel obligated to and so didn't. I used time outs for discipline, most of the time, and focused on behavior more than attitude. I also looked for what my son was trying to do when he misbehaved and often realized that what he wanted was not so bad, but the failure was more in the action. The other thing I did was to pick him up when he was a baby and cried. I don't think I ever left him to cry it out as many believe you should. I figured if he was crying, it was for a reason, and I should attend to that.

I also watched friends raising kids that were older than my son and found that I liked the way my brother and his wife were raising their kids best and so observed and copied much from them. I don't think I've done as good a job as they have. Their family is a joy to watch. It's not that they're perfect but they are open and so comfortable being around each other.

I mostly didn't have doubts at first about how the folks at SGM churches were raising their kids, believing that they knew their own kids best and knew best what each of their kids needed. They homeschooled and I homeschooled, so much seemed similar. However, I did have some odd conversations with folks a few times. I mostly put those things down to and individual person having an odd approach, but in retrospect I wonder if it was more:

The first time something odd happened was when I went to pick Iain up after church when he was about 4. The teacher told me that she had instructed him to obey all adults; I don't remember what problem she might have been having with him now that led her to exhort him to obey. However, the all adults thing caught my attention. Having just moved from California, I could name 3-4 adults off the top of my head that I would not have Iain obeying. I thought she was so naive. I told her that she should not tell Iain that; she should teach him to obey her because she was his teacher, not just because she was an adult. I thanked her and walked away; in retrospect, I wonder if I left her dumbfounded. I don't know if CLC or SGM teaches kids to obey all adults in general; I hope not.

Another time, a mother from the Fairfax church was talking to me about how she was raising her kids. Generally, I had a lot of respect for her, but she said something that implied she wasn't thinking enough about the child's point of view in something. So, I gave her an example of a time that Iain had misbehaved because he had not realized something important about a situation. She asked me how I knew that Iain hadn't realized this thing; I just kind of stared at her for a moment and said that I asked him. Wouldn't she ask? I was baffled; it seemed like a pretty basic thing to do in parenting. Is it not normal in SGM?

About counseling

The other way I found I had grown in another direction was the whole area of counseling and healing. Not long after I moved to California, I was listening to a Christian radio program where they were talking about adult children of alcoholics. I was astonished to find that much of what they were saying accurately described me. I had grown up with a father that I loved and that is with Jesus now, but who was also an alcoholic, so it wasn't an easy childhood in a lot of ways. In 1988 or so when I was listening to this, I had assumed that those things were long ago and far away -- and largely irrelevant to the way I was living my life then. However, I realized that even though I had healed quite a lot, largely due to the friends I mentioned earlier, that I still had a ways to go and that psychologists had some useful thoughts for me. The radio program was by the Minirth-Meier clinic (now New Life Ministries). I went to the local Christian bookstore and got a book on the subject and learned as much as I could, discarding the teaching from SGM that counseling by psychologists and psychiatrists was largely unnecessary. In the years since, I hoped and almost assumed that because CJ Mahaney and the other leaders at SGM were seeking God and growing in Him; surely He would lead them to a more reasonable stance.

I was sorry to see in SGM Survivors where Kris typed up a talk by Andy Farmer (in two parts; I believe that is the link to part 1 but that site is down right now) that the SGM approach to counseling has not improved. To sum it up quickly, though probably not adequately, when counseling someone, the goal is to identify the sin that someone is committing and then hold them accountable to get them to stop doing it. If someone sinned against you, you just forgive and forget. This is terribly short sighted. In many cases, you can forgive and move on easily, but for folks with serious childhood issues or childhood abuse, it's just not that simple. I am writing a post about PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and hopefully that will help explain better where I'm coming from. To give you an idea, I will say that part of the problem is that when you grow up in a home that is sufficiently chaotic, your idea of normal or healthy -- and even right and wrong -- winds up being a little off. You feel guilty for things you weren't responsible for and you don't even know all the ways things were wrong. You probably know things weren't as nice as some friends experienced but you don't know that some of the things you think were just fine actually weren't. So, you're not going to know to forgive your dad or mom for something if you don't even know it's wrong. So, you need to process things -- understand better what happened and what really was your fault and what wasn't. You can then grieve the losses (feeling the anger and sadness), so you can reach a point of acceptance and forgiveness. All of this can take a really long time. In the worst cases, you don't even remember or know everything that happened (either you were too young or you have blocked memories).

Closing, for now

I have more to say as there is much happening at the SGM churches now. A lot of things have happened there that were hidden but are coming to light now. I am praying for you all at SGM and especially at CLC. As I said at the beginning of this post, there was much good there when I was there, and I did grow in the Lord when I was there. The things that are coming out grieve me; I worried some things were wrong, but it seems worse than I ever dreamed.

Let me give you my favorite verse in closing:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -- Philippians 4:6-7

To me, this means that God wants us to talk to Him about everything and He and friends can help us get to a point of trusting Him. As we do, He gives us peace, even when nothing makes sense and our entire world is spinning out of control. That He really is in control and He loves us more than we can even imagine -- look how He sent Jesus!

HEAV 2011 Homeschool Conference

Thu, 30 Jun 2011 21:29:09 -0400

Part of the HEAV exhibit hall as seen from a balcony in the convention center.

My son, Iain, and I sent to HEAV 2011, probably the biggest homeschool conference in the country. It was held in Richmond, Virginia earlier this month. I've been going every year for quite a few years now since Iain is almost 18 and we've been homeschooling quite a while. Probably the biggest reason I go is because of what you can see on the left here; the huge exhibit hall. There are many companies now, selling curriculum and books to homeschoolers. This gives me a chance to look over curriculum and talk to the vendors about it. That's a huge help to me in deciding what to use. Most vendors have websites with some sample pages, but I find it much more helpful to see

When Iain was younger, he would go along with me and attend the children's program. He enjoyed that a lot, but in recent years, he's been old enough to stay home. I had invited him to come with me when he first got too old to attend the children's program because teens are allowed to attend sessions and go in the exhibit hall. He had absolutely no interest. I probably asked him another year or two and had stopped.

This year, I decided to ask him if he wanted to go with me; he was a little indecisive about it, but then he decided that he did want to go. I'm glad he did go. I did encourage him to take something to do in case he got bored, but he really didn't. He looked at the schedule and picked sessions he wanted to go to and went thru the list of exhibitors and picked out booths he wanted to visit. After he did that, I handed some cash and gave him a spending limit so he could get things that he was interested in. Most of the money disappeared, of course, but I'm glad he had a chance to pick some books he wanted to read next year.

His biggest interests seem to be history and politics. He takes after his parents in being very conservative, perhaps even more conservative which might be a little scary to some of our more liberal friends. I'm just glad that he's found some things that he is interested in. He hasn't really decided what he wants to do after high school. We hope he will want to go to college, but at the moment, he really doesn't like academics much so I don't know if that will happen.

I've also posted a photo album here with pictures from the conference. Enjoy!

Invisible Illness Week -- September 13-19, 2010

Sat, 11 Sep 2010 19:53:37 -0400

Each year, Rest Ministries sponsors Invisible Illness Week and holds a conference. The links below are to the Blog Talk Radio pages for each session; you can go there either at the time given or later to listen to the session.

Monday, September 13, 1:30 pm eastern/US Living with Chronic Illness: Why It Hurts, How to Cope

Tuesday, September 14, 1:30 pm eastern/US Relationships When You Love with a Chronic Illness

Wednesday, September 15, 1:30 pm eastern/US Getting Organized and Time Management; Parenting

Thursday, September 16, 1:30 pm eastern/US Explaining Invisible Illness; Girl Talk: How Connecting with Others Helps Us All

Friday, September 17, 1:30 pm eastern/US Career, Working, Starting Own Biz; In Closing -- Call in time.

Invisible Illness Week has information about the conference, including more details on the sessions. You can also subscribe to the podcast and listen to sessions from this year and previous years.

Note that the Girl Talk session is likely to be especially good. The speakers will be Jenni Prokopy from Chronic Babe who is young and has lots of good ideas for coping, Kerri Sparling from 6 Until Me, and Christine Miserandino from But You Don't Look Sick and author of The Spoon Theory that many here have read.

Katydids

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 21:29:30 -0400

The katydid photo is from Wikipedia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.5 Generic license.

The audio recording is mine.

This browser cannot play the embedded audio file.

I went outside this evening and the katydids were so loud, I decided to record them and to post them. Even on normal years, when I go outside, they’re loud enough that I wonder sometimes how loud I need to call the cats so they can hear me over the katydids! This year they seem louder than ever and they seem to keep getting louder....

When you listen to the recording, the katydids sort of sounds like white noise, but then you hear them rising and falling. I started recording this in the front yard; you can hear me talking to Luath; I was throwing a frisbee for him. I then pick up Leia and we all come inside where the katydids aren’t near so loud. I then go in the backyard with just Luath to call for Sakura. She came in later on.

PS This is a truly random blog!

Having fun taking photos

Sun, 19 Apr 2009 16:32:09 -0400

Luath catching a frisbee

I’ve been taking a lot of photos the last few weeks, mostly of my favorite subjects. I’ve found it’s quite stress relieving though I seem to take them faster than I can sort, crop, title, and post them! I’m thrilled that I finally got some nice shots of Luath catching a frisbee.

You can now subscribe to my photo albums directly so you get an email when I post a new album, though unlike the blog, you will need to go to the website to see the actual photos. If you use an RSS reader, you can get the feed if you prefer. If you follow me on twitter, you will see tweets for new blog posts and new photo albums there and since my tweets go into facebook you can also see them if you friend me there.

I have more spring flowers to post. My neighbor across the street has some stunning tulips in his front yard and I got some good photos of them yesterday. I’m hoping to get them posted later today.

Hope you enjoy the photos half as much as I enjoyed taking them! Please leave comments so I know you were here!

Monday afternoon update: I should have included a link to the frisbee photos in my post.

Catching up

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 23:02:09 -0400

My son at a self check out in our grocery store when I got too tired to finish it myself.

It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. Part of my problem in keeping up with things in general is that for me time goes really fast because of being tired. I had notice, like most of you no doubt have, that as I got older, time seemed to go faster. Then, a few years ago, I had a week or two of being a lot more awake than usual and noticed that time really slowed down. It was amazing; I’d be thinking it was Wednesday when it was Tuesday. It’s much more common for me it to be Friday or something when I’m thinking it’s Wednesday. When I was the most tired, I could blink and find a half hour had gone by; I never was sure what that was about unless I fell asleep those times. In any case these things make it hard to manage my time.

In December, I started counting calories again and that pretty much backfired. I had been gradually gaining weight which seems to happen whenever I’m not counting calories. I had gained almost up to where I had been at my heaviest and decided I’d better get busy again on recording calories. However, I almost ran completely out of energy. I wasn’t sleepy so much as just not moving which is not a good way to be. My husband brought home Popeye’s chicken one night and I was suddenly back to being myself. That made me wonder what it was in their chicken that helped so much -- the oil or the salt? How’s that for unhealthy? So I gave up for a while and tried to figure out what had gone so wrong. I didn’t think it was the salt, mainly because I include a fair amount of sea salt in my diet because of my hypothyroid and had continued to do so. It seemed more likely to be the oil because that was something I’d cut back on while dieting.

Regardless, I gave up on the diet because it was almost Christmas and it was not a good time to be so out of it. I planned to look at it again in January, but didn’t manage to until just 3 weeks ago. So, I regained the little weight I’d lost in December, but I’ve lost that again. My strategy has been to include a little olive oil in my diet and to use whole milk on my cereal. That only adds 12 calories beyond 2% and is much more filling, so I’m less likely to have more to eat after that. So, I’m feeling encouraged though it will take a long time to get back to a good weight. I had counted calories for 2 years and made progress, but then stopped for about 1.5 years. It’s a little discouraging to have to start over again, but it’s better than continuing to gain!

Some quick notes on other subjects...

Twitter I’ve been twittering a fair amount and have quite a few followers. I’ve been having some fun there and getting some practice writing shorter things!

Peace in Chronic Illness Our chat room is doing really well. Deni has just started a book study chat on Monday evenings that are going quite well and Mushie is now doing a chat on Sundays. We’ll have more chats coming soon, too.

Health I’ve been sleeping a little better the last couple weeks which is quite encouraging. I’ll blog more about that. It’s pretty tricky to get the autopap settings right, especially when a setting that is good one night is not good the next. Using breath right strips seems to help my autopap “see” how I’m breathing and adjust more appropriately.

Homeschooling My son is doing better in a lot of ways, taking more responsibility for his work and improving his math grades. He does have a lot of work to do before he can graduate from high school, though; he’s in 9th grade now.

Remodeling and re-arranging We’re done the parts we needed to pay workers to do, pretty much and we mostly really like it. We still have a lot of arranging and unpacking of things we had needed to pack up in order to empty the rooms we had worked on Given that taxes are due soon, I’m not sure how much we’ll get unpacked! My son’s been a big help here; he packed quite a few boxes.

Photography I have been taking quite a few pictures. I’ve added a lot here; have more to do, too. I also “redecorated” our Peace in Chronic Illness chat room by putting in a new background image and picking colors for the text box and side box that match the new background image. I found that very relaxing. The new background image is to the right here.

New photo albums The new photo albums are Air & Space Museum, Fall 2008, Christmas 2008, Cats!, Snow 2009, and Spring evening. My current favorite to photograph is our little kitty, Sakura. She is full grown but tiny and is very affectionate. She sleeps on my forearm at times and climbs on me like a kitten might! And, of course, she is very cute.

Saturday evening update I’m having a lot of trouble publishing my site; most of my photo albums are not up yet. I’m having to upload just a few photos at a time. It’ll probably be 2-3 days before they’re all online again though I’m starting with the newest ones; the ones I mentioned above should be online pretty soon.

Sunday afternoon update It’s finally all up! Most of my comments were lost so I will put them back up by hand.

Election results - both stunned and proud

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 22:17:09 -0500

A close up of a bush with pink leaves from a neighbors yard. It is normally green but is pink in the fall.

In the days before the election, I knew it was likely that Obama would win, but I was hoping that he wouldn’t, even refusing to believe that he wouldn’t. In fact, I was still stuck on how the Democrats had managed to even nominate him. As much as Hilary Clinton’s values differ from mine, at least she has some experience. So, when Fox News announced that Obama had won, I was stunned.

What surprised me, though, was that there was a part of me that was proud that we elected an African American president. I was a child when the civil rights movement was at its peak in the 1960s, and I can remember some of the news reports about marches and crowds being sprayed with water. It didn’t mean a lot to me -- I wasn’t even 10 years old. I remember the riots after Martin Luther King, Jr’s death a bit better because the company where my dad worked in downtown DC was burned down during those riots. It took about ten years for the business to fully recover, though I wasn’t really aware of that at the time. Much has changed since the 1960s and it’s good to see how much closer we are to Martin Luther King Jr’s dream of a “a nation where [my four little children] will be not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.” I think we have mostly reached the first half, if not the second; I remain uncertain of Obama’s character.

This is bringing back memories of the 1968 riots and a friend of mine has encouraged me to share my dad’s and my story about how the riots effected. I will post about that another time.

Why I'm voting for McCain - Palin

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 17:06:09 -0500

The American flag, flying at the National D-Day Memorial in Bedford, Virginia, May 20, 2008.

I’m going to vote for McCain because of these issues:

Health Moving towards government sponsored health care will not reduce paperwork or reduce the expense -- or make health care better overall. In theory, one payer should reduce expenses, but as the defense industry if they find government contracting efficient!

“Spread the wealth” The purpose of taxes is to share the expenses for things done better together than separately, like defense, schools, highways, infrastructure (not all federal, of course). It is not to “spread the wealth” which means taking money from people who have worked hard to help those who haven’t. Spreading the wealth has been tried in the Soviet Union and China. It didn’t work either place; it will not work here either. Helping the poor should be more about charity (yes, we do give). Spreading the wealth kills initiative, productivity, and the economy.

Tax cuts A tax cut on 95% of tax payers is not realistic. First, 40% do not pay taxes, so they would get money thru a tax credit. We cannot afford this; the numbers do not work. It is the wrong time for tax increases. Don’t vote for Obama because you want more money in your pocket; it might work for a year or so, but it can’t work for long at all. When money comes back to people, the government keeps a percentage of it -- and that percentage increases as time goes by. The people, as a whole, will not come close to breaking even; such things are better done locally. McCain is known for hating pork and promises not to allow pork in the federal budget. He will not raise taxes and will let people continue to profit from their own efforts.

Abortion I am very pro-life; I have picketed abortion clinics and worked in a crisis pregnancy center. McCain and Palin are pro-life. Obama is very pro-abortion. When Obama says he will not vote for an abortion restriction unless there is an exception for the health of the mother, it sounds reasonable. Only a very few of the most ardent pro-life would argue that a abortion should not be allowed when a woman would die without one. Not even many pro-life would say she should not be allowed one if she would become permanently disabled. However, that’s not what “health of the mother” means in court. The courts have defined “health of the mother” to mean even psychological health -- if the mother would be distressed by it. So the health exception is a free pass for anyone to have an abortion.

Is Obama the intellectual? No, he isn’t. First, you should understand that world view will effect your perception of intelligence. Second, he has said some things that are wrong and unwise, especially with foreign policy. Until the first debate, I thought he was intelligent though with many wrong beliefs. But in that debate, he talked about invading Pakistan (unwise to do -- even more unwise to say you’re going to do it). He also kept referring to the country of Ukraine as “the Ukraine” which is very offensive to Ukrainians because it hearkens back to when “the Ukraine” was a region in the Soviet Union. His first response to the Russian invasion of Georgia was to say that both sides should show restraint -- that astonished me. How did he expect Georgia to show restraint? They shouldn’t defend themselves? My estimate of Obama’s intelligence dropped by 10-20 IQ points, I’m afraid; I’m guessing he’s above average, but nowhere near genius level. Perhaps some of this is inexperience, but he shouldn’t be learning this much during the campaign and I worry about what he would need to learn in office!

McCain does have the experience to not make these kinds of mistakes, he has an incredible amount of experience and will put the country’s interests above hs own; he has in the past. He and Palin have both the experience and the intelligence and flexibility to find solutions to problems.

Middle east polls The Iraqis would vote for McCain; Palestinians terrorists would vote Obama.

Foreign policy Obama’s already said dangerous things, as I mentioned above. Note, too, that this is the wrong time to cut our defense budget -- we’re at war... McCain knows how to run a war. The surge worked, partly because we took our soldiers out of the camps and put the out in the towns and neighborhoods so the people go to know them and they got to know the people. Then the Iraqis started to trust them and things began to turn around. When McCain said we might be there 100 years, he didn’t mean in a hot war that long; he was referring to the fact that we might have some soldiers there for the long term, like we have had in Germany and Korea. If McCain had been president the last few years, I believe Iraq would be at peace by now; thankfully, it is close now.

Obama is inexperienced Obama is very inexperienced and it shows, especially in his foreign policy mistakes. He does seem to have learned some things from McCain in this election, I hope. Because if he does become president that will help him, I hope. I am concerned, though, that in the places where he is echoing McCain that he is not sincere.

Is change always good? Anyone who has read Harry Potter ought to know that change for change’s sake can be horrendous. Need I say more? I like our constitution and don’t want to lose more freedoms.

Financial crisis It’s incredibly ironic that Bush and the Republicans are being blamed for the current financial crisis while the democrats appear innocent. I’m not saying the Republicans are innocent here, but we had a financial house of cards built on “liar loans”, mortgages given to people who would not be able to pay for them. ACORN was instrumental in getting these loan programs put in place, going so far as to force banks to make them. Four years ago, Bush saw there were problems with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and tried to reign them in but was stopped by Democrats, led by Barnie Frank. Two years ago, McCain tried to reign them in; he was also stopped by the Democrats -- this time led by Barnie Frank and Obama. So who was right and who was wrong?

Race issues Ok, this is really a non-issue for me, but a friend of mine who supports Obama was quick to point out to me that Obama doesn’t hate whites, as if that would be the main reason I wouldn’t vote for him. I don’t really think he hates whites though I am concerned about his association with Reverend Wright; I don’t know how you can go to a church for 20 years and not be aware of Wright’s strongly held beliefs about America; the church’s response to Wright showed that these were not new ideas for them.

Records McCain has a stellar record; his priority is keeping this country safe which I agree with. Our liberty and free speech rights will be eroded if terrorists have their way. Obama has almost no record at all, partly because he voted “present” so many times and partly because he hasn’t been in office very long (he is a freshman senator!). So, we look at who he chooses to associate with and the names are not reassuring: William Aker, Reverend Wright, Risko, etc. I know he has disavowed most of these, but why did he choose them in the first place? He either has very bad judgement or he agrees with many of their beliefs; either proposition is disturbing.

Country first When a conservative says, “country first”, we mean country before self. Words like duty and service come to mind. Things like putting yourself between an enemy and your country, so that you’re the first one hurt instead of your neighbors. Things that soldiers do. Things McCain did and paid a heavy price for.

Family Obama has close family, like his aunt and his half brother, who are very poor. That he knows about them and yet doesn’t help them (surely, they would not be very poor if he did help them) does not bode well for how serious he is about helping the poor here; it makes me think he’s just using the poor to get votes. McCain, on the other hand, comes from a family that has a long history of serving our country thru military service. And when Cindy McCain brought home a baby for them to adopt, he took her in. Somehow I think McCain’s heart is way bigger than Obama’s.

Last day Obama’s speech today was all about how bad Bush was and was sprinkled with a lot of things that made no sense to me -- or just seemed like lies. McCain’s was more specific and made more sense -- more about the future and more about contrasting his stands with Obama’s. I’ve also been noticing the signs held by people in the crowd -- Obama’s are apparently all the same or perhaps with two variations. If you look at McCain’s crowd, you see a lot of more variation - a lot of different signs. Obama is apparently more controlling and McCain more supportive of freedom; interesting contrast.

I could go on, but this is already too long.

Please pray before you vote and vote what is best for our country. Also pray that voter fraud will be caught and stopped. Trust God, keep praying no matter the outcome.

If you are registered, do vote; please don’t forget! Every vote will count; the polls are tightening.

God bless you and God bless the USA! God has blessed us greatly, let us continue as one nation, under God.