Flooded Lizard Kingdom

He Can Stop Helping Now

2012-05-21T22:30:23Z

The Princess: Fill in this blank on the menu plan for Thursday night's dinner, please.

C-Man: Cheesecake.

The Princess: No, really.

C-Man: In a bun?

Linkity Love for May

2012-05-19T17:29:27Z

On Being Black by Mocha Momma. When this woman talks, I listen.

Racist much? at Jiaozi. Go mama go.

Running Toward the Gunshots: A Few Words About Joan of Arc at Tiger Beatdown. Damn.

Moral Relativism at Wisdom Comes Suddenly. Ouch, laughing too hard.

I seem to have skipped all science classes ever

2012-05-16T02:10:34Z

I got Boy Detective's jeans out of the dryer and found the pockets were STILL full of sand.

My first thought:

"I really thought that would have dissolved?"

This is what Hell sounds like

2012-04-23T19:53:48Z

The Princess

Linkity Love for April

2012-04-13T02:19:00Z

A Mountain I'm Willing to Die On at Momastery. Just, wow.

And on a totally different note, Fuck Your Noguchi Coffee Table.

Boys Need Affection as They Grow at Womanist Musings.

Immigration at Drink Lei Down Pass Out.

Of Another Fashion: "An alternative archive of the not-quite-hidden but too often ignored fashion histories of U.S. women of color."

10 Problems Women Need to Fix Before They Can Complain About Problems With Popular New Software, On a Blog, at Crooked Timber. I could not stop laughing.

just couldn't leave well enough alone at The Yarnista. I wish I had the guts to try out paint colors like this. I have no idea what C-Man would say if I did it without warning him.

A comic about the overuse of the word "rape" from The Rack.

Life is officially too short for all of these things

2012-03-30T17:00:23Z

Thing #1: Sitting at wobbly tables at restaurants. During restaurant visits, I would like to focus on two things: my food, and my conversation with the other people at my table. Managing furniture is not on the list.

Thing #2: Putting sugar packets or folded up napkins under a table leg in a restaurant so the table will not wobble. I am 37 years old, surely I can be done with this.

Thing #3: Checking my spam folder to make sure I didn't miss any real e-mail. What the heck is the point of the spam folder, then?

Thing #4: Those conversations about who is going to have how much scrambled eggs (or whatever) that take way longer than is reasonable. You know what I'm talking about. They go like this.

Person A: Did you get enough?

Person B: Yep.

Person A: Are you sure? I can take less.

Person B: I'm not saying I won't eat a little more if there's some left.

Person A: But you got enough?

Person B: Yes. But don't eat more than you want to just to make sure it all gets eaten, I can finish it off or we can toss it.

Person A: Okay, I think I'm going to leave a little bit and see how I feel after I eat this.

EXCUSE ME WHILE I START SCREAMING BECAUSE I JUST CANNOT DISCUSS THE EGGS ANY LONGER.

That whole "head of household" thing isn't working out for him

2012-03-25T15:08:54Z

Me: Honey, you were right about EVERYTHING!

C-Man: Yep. Hey, why aren't you barefoot?

Me: I'm sorry! It's cold on the tile.

C-Man: And I'M the one making dinner! What's going on here?!

Me: The world is upside down!

The Five Stages of Respiratory Illness

2012-03-21T00:09:23Z

Denial

I am not getting sick. I am not getting sick. I am not getting sick. I don't care if my kid brought home a horrible virus last week, that doesn't mean I have to get sick. This headache is because I switched from glasses to contacts too late in the morning. That's not a cough, I'm just clearing my throat. I just didn't sleep well last night. I'M FINE.

Anger

Dammit, why is this happening? I am BUSY! Do you have any idea how much work I need to get done? I had almost gotten the house clean! This isn't fair! Why am I sick? I work from home, doesn't that protect me from exposure to germs? AUUUGGGHHHH. We should never have sent Boy Detective to school, it's all their fault, why does he need peers and an education anyway!? And why won't someone besides me do the f-ing laundry?!

Bargaining

Okay, okay, I will lie down. For half an hour. And read. That's not good enough? I will close my eyes. I can't sleep but I will close my eyes. Is that enough? Okay, I will put my auto-responder on my email at work to say I'm out today, but just today, not tomorrow too. I will drink one cup of tea. Fine, two cups of tea. Fine, two cups of tea and a glass of water but I will put Emergen-C in the water because plain water tastes disgusting right now. OKAY, I WILL TAKE A NAP. Then I'll feel better, right? RIGHT?!

Depression

I will never feel better again. Ever. And I'm out of new comics.

Acceptance

I can still have quality of life even though it's been 2 months and I am still coughing. I have learned many valuable things from this illness, such as "empty tissue boxes make great temporary trash cans" and "I need to call my ENT again." Really, it's FINE.

Kids' Books About Dogs That Adults Can Love Too

2012-03-05T17:42:52Z

I once heard a parent separate children's books into two categories: "educational" and "just stories." I wish I had a recording so you could hear her tone of voice. I also wish I had schooled her, but I froze up because she was SO WRONG. How are stories not educational? But obviously, some are more awesome than others.

I am lucky that our trips to the library are usually family outings, which means there's one adult to chase the kid and another to look through 40-60 books and find the ones worth checking out. And then from the ones we check out, there are several fantastic ones that have stood out. This is the second post in a series highlighting those rockstars; the previous one was books about friendship. This one is all about dogs. (Don't worry, cat people, I will get y'all covered too.)

The first one here is for the wee babes. Dog by Clare Walters and Jane Kemp, illustrated by Linzi West. It's so cheerful, it's like a puppy licking your face with a tiny pink tongue. Board books can be hard to track down at libraries because they don't get shelved in alpha order and they fall apart pretty quickly. So just buy it and donate it to your library if it's not a hit with your little one.

Big Dog and Little Dog by Dav Pilkey is one of the board books that Boy Detective still likes to read at age four. I think that's because he bonded with it when he was younger. It's a sweet, simple friendship story. (Buyer beware, there are more books in this series but I have not read any of them - and creators OFTEN produce one good book about characters and then half a dozen uninspired knockoffs. There is an edition that contains all the Big Dog and Little Dog stories, but please don't buy that and then blame me if there's only one gem and then you're stuck reading the whole thing repeatedly.)

Mutt Dog! by Stephen Michael King. (He also wrote Henry and Amy from the books about friendship post.) Especially if you know anyone who has adopted a dog from a shelter or rescue, this is a great choice. The dozen or more names they try out for the dog crack me up. Radiator?!

Once I Ate a Pie by Patricia MacLachlan and Emily MacLachlan, and illustrated by Katy Schneider. I actually gave this to adult friends of ours before any of us had kids. It's gorgeous. I'm hugely in favor of real poetry for children, given how much children's literature is written in sing-songy rhyme schemes. Let's mix it up a little, people.

Please, Puppy, Please by Spike Lee and Tonya Lewis Lee and illustrated by Kadir Nelson. (Yes, that Spike Lee.) Kadir Nelson's art is amazing. You have to see it. But I guarantee that you cannot physically say the words "puppy" and "please" out loud as many times as they're written in this book, so get this one before your kids can read and do some selective editing.

In Officer Buckle and Gloria, author and artist Peggy Rathmann won my heart with the sheer expressiveness of Gloria, the police dog who finds her calling helping Officer Buckle deliver speeches about safety. (Rathmann's name may be familiar from Good Night, Gorilla.)

You know that happy little dog that never gets in trouble no matter what it does, because it's just so dang happy to be alive? Then you know the dog in Good Boy, Fergus! by David Shannon. If you have ever lived with a dog, the page where the man is calling Fergus will be especially funny.

And those are the dog books! Next up: books about bedtime.

It's like candy, except it's music

2012-03-01T21:02:20Z

Dear Sleigh Bells,

Thanks you for existing.

Love,
The Princess

Do you go to bed at the same time as the person you share a bed with?

2012-02-23T21:35:26Z

For those of you who share a bed with another adult... do y'all go to bed at the same time?

I've always been the earlier-to-bed person in my cohabiting relationships. I'm starting to wonder if that's why any of those relationships have lasted more than a week. C-Man has gone to bed at the same time I have several times in the past couple of months, and it's so creepy. It's like he's WATCHING ME. (In the dark. While facing the wall. He's talented that way.)

But seriously, I have been taking the going-to-sleep privacy for granted. When I'm by myself, I can thrash around to get comfortable however I want. I can pull on the blankets. I can breathe without wondering if it's too loud and annoying.

When he's lying there awake, though, I can't do any of those things. And I know he's going to fall asleep before I do, and then I'm going to be ticked off that I'm not asleep yet and he is.

Why is this so complicated? Am I the only person in the world who has these issues?

(I got a spam email with the subject line "BE THE MASTER OF THE BED." I was kind of like "Well, does that mean I can set rules about what time people can use it? 'Cause I might give you money for that.")

The Internet is for my amusement, clearly

2012-02-20T18:12:04Z

Schooled By a Seven Year Old at Surrender, Dorothy.

Why? at Apt. 11D.

The Dangers of Folded Fitted Sheets at clearview. (Scroll down, her content is below the fold.)

Allrecipes Reviews at crooked house.

A conversation I have every month or so at Venomous Porridge.

A Simple Conversation at Here We Go Again.

Well, this is just great at The Undomestic Goddess.

My Delusions, Let Me Show You Them

2012-02-19T03:04:08Z

1. It takes WAY more time to peel a banana or a carrot than it does to pour a bowl of cereal and add rice milk. Who has that kind of time?!

2. If I could just find the right way to organize my to-do list, I would accomplish 50-100% more stuff every single week.

3. I will remember exactly what I meant by that note I just scribbled down even though I abbreviated half the words.

And what else do you need, really?

2012-02-13T01:45:13Z

The Princess: How was work today, honey?

C-Man: Pretty good. I successfully prevented my company from hiring someone.

Kids' Books About Friendship That Adults Can Love Too

2012-02-04T04:06:19Z

We've read some amazing children's books since Boy Detective joined us, so I thought I'd do a series this year with our book recommendations. When I say "recommendations," I mean serious, heartfelt recommendations for books that are totally awesome, by our grownup standards. If your kid is interested in firefighters, for example, there are a lot of serviceable books about firefighters out there. But you could go through two whole shelves at the library without finding the really great one that you can enjoy as much as your kid does. (At least for the first five to ten times you read it.)

If you're parenting young children, you might find some new reads. If you're not parenting, but you buy gifts for young children, please remember that an excellent children's book is a gift to both the child and the adult(s) who will be reading it to to them.

Or heck, if you're an adult who likes to read, and you want a change of pace, check them out for yourself. Maybe the next time you're sick, send someone to the library on your behalf?

So here's the first installment: Kids' Books About Friendship That Adults Can Love Too. If you see something that intrigues you, stop by a bookstore or check your local library and try it out. People's tastes vary, obviously, but this is our cream of the crop. I may make a few notes on what ages the book is for. If it's not noted, assume that you can start reading it when the infant is lying on their back next to you, and stop when they're bored with picture books which may be as late as seven or eight years old?

(Links are Amazon Affiliate links, it's up to you whether you're comfortable buying from Amazon or prefer your local bookstore.)

Clara and Asha, written and illustrated by Eric Rohmann, was one of the first children's books we read as adults that blew our minds with sheer awesomeness. Clara is a little girl, and Asha is one of her dearest friends... who happens to be a giant imaginary fish. There is so much magic in this book, and it's all so understated, which is no mean feat when there's a giant fish involved.

Henry and Amy (Right-Way-Round and Upside Down), written and illustrated by Stephen Michael King, is a charmer. Henry needs someone to teach him how to do things "right" whereas Amy wishes "everything she did wasn't so perfect." You see where this is going, right?

If you're going to dislike any of the books I pick, it will probably be Cowboy and Octopus. It's totally absurd and surreal, or as C-Man puts it, "f***ing awesome." We have never laughed harder at a children's book than when we saw Octopus's Halloween costume. But if you're more comfortable with classic than zany, you may want to skip this one. Jon Scieszka wrote, Lane Smith illustrated. (But don't skip if you've disliked other Scieszka, give it a chance.)

Ducks Don't Wear Socks by John Nedwidek, illustrated by Lee White, is another laugh-out-loud one. Emily is very serious, Duck is really not. What gets me aren't just the objections Emily lodges when Duck wears various clothing items, but Duck's explanations for them.

Across the Alley by Richard Michelson, illustrated by E. B. Lewis, is better for older kids because it does mention someone's fingers getting broken in a concentration camp. Two boys, one Jewish and one African-American, live next door to each other. As they become friends, they discover that one is great at baseball and one at the violin, but it's backwards from what their families had planned.

The George and Martha books are all good, but a couple go above and beyond. The writing is exquisitely spare, every word perfectly placed by James Marshall, and the pictures are sequenced just perfectly to carry the story forward. One Fine Day and Rise and Shine are, in my opinion two of the best. I cannot speak for the "Early Reader" versions, no telling what they did to them. Go for the real thing.

And that's it for this time! Next installment: books about dogs.