Sorry, we’ve been quiet, but two bil is finally enough to interrupt Jason’s and my days. Sigh.

Poor Jamie – we’ve not lampooned him much around here, and now they’re calling for his head. Not that I think he’ll resign, or that I can ever see the words “What I did wasn’t good for America” coming out of his mouth, or anything. And only (“only”) 40% of shareholders voted to split the chairman/CEO roles. But it doesn’t change the fact that the Justice Department is now looking into JPM’s two-beelion-dollar trading oopsie, that the words “too big to regulate” and “too big to fail” aren’t gone from our vocabulary yet, etc.

But at least the President has JPM’s back, according to some talk show. So, carry on.

The About page talks about BofA’s history, starting with the 1906 San Francisco earthquake:

One century ago, a resourceful Italian immigrant named Amadeo Giannini rescued the meager deposits of his fledgling bank from the fires that followed San Francisco’s most legendary calamity, the earthquake of 1906. Days later, with most other banks in ruins and unable to open their vaults, Amadeo was making handshake-guaranteed loans to desperate San Franciscans from behind a makeshift desk on the waterfront. Our bank was thus born of one of the most notorious disasters in history. Soon, your bank will rise from the ashes of a new catastrophe — this one of human origin.

It then goes on to describe’s BofA’s “too-big-to-fail” status, leading to the moment when BofA’s problem becomes your problem. That is, guess who gets to bail them out?

You are soon to play the role of pilot, passenger, and rescuer of the mighty craft that will soon be your Bank of America. It is on your shoulders to act decisively, and it is on your gut to rebuild the bank of your dreams.

The best part is this supposed message from CEO Brian Moynihan:

Today, it’s time to acknowledge that our Bank isn’t working anymore—not just for the market, but for people, our real customers. We’ve paid $8.58 billion in relief to borrowers and $3.24 billion in fines. We face lawsuits and claims from citizens, companies, and state and local governments. There is even a petition with the Federal Reserve to break up our bank, adding yet more uncertainty to our position….
As a result, our company’s shares have fallen precipitously, and now trade at one-fifth their 2008 price. Our Bank may, in fact, soon need help keeping afloat—and much as in 2008, you, the American taxpayer, will be asked to provide that assistance.
The institutions you rescued in 2008 have continued much as they always were, engaging in the same practices that brought our economy so close to collapse. To make sure that this time around, things turn out differently, we at Bank of America are launching a forum in which you, the American taxpayer, can prepare for the time that you own us. By sharing ideas, and reading and rating the ideas of others, you can begin charting a course for this Bank—your course.
Welcome to your Bank of America.

Oh man, this is priceless stuff.

There’s even a fake PR announcement.

More on the spoof at BBJ and YesLab

Even the supposed denunciation of the hoax by BofA was, itself, a hoax. Brilliant.

YourBofA.com was created by Yes Lab, Rainforest Action Network, New Bottom Line, and some people from Occupy Wall Street’s Alternative Banking working group.

The site allows you to get creative and make your own ads for BofA, which of course results in LOLs like this:

Then there are those not quite safe for work.

Recently, BofA reported a 68% drop in earnings on a 17% decline in revenue. It’s profit was $653 million, earnings were 31 cents a share, which still beat estimates (which were 12 cents/share). The bank had to undergo a $4.8 billion pre-tax accounting charge connected to a change in the value of its debt. (source: WSJ)

BofA is currently trading around 8.77 per share.

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The FED performed its annual stress test (required by the Dodd-Frank law) on 15 19 banks and 4 of the banks failed the test. These 4 banks are Citigroup, SunTrust, Ally Financial, and MetLife. The FED stress tests suggest that those banks would not have satisfactory capital buffers if they were to suffer a financial shock. The numbers (Tier 1 common capital ratios):

• Cigitroup: 4.9%
• Ally Financial: 4.4%
• SunTrust Bank: 4.8%
• MetLife: 6%

Citigroup performed the worst in this test. CEO Vikram Pandit is sure to be all stressed out over it, poor guy.

Still, most other banks passed the test, which helped the market (which seems to be made of teflon these days. We’re sure that will last…)

For more, go to: Bloomberg and CNBC

In which Greg Smith, (now former) Goldman Sachs executive director, offers a master class on how to compose a letter of resignation.

tl;dr: Goldman is lately less about making money for its clients than making money for Goldman and I want no part of these shenanigans.

A very funny site called FED Valentines features Valentines Day love letters straight from Ben Bernanke himself. We wish we had thought of this!

FED Valentines lets you submit your own FED Valentines Day message to your sweetheart, using an image of Ben Bernanke as a backdrop. It’s full of LOLs like:

• “You had me at QE1″
• “I like the way your yields curve!”
• “I only have eyes for you. And inflation. But mostly you.”
• “I’ll be your lover of last resort.”
• “Every time I see you, my balance sheet expands!”
• “My love is elastic. My commitment – too big to fail!”

You get the idea. Send your wife, girlfriend, or lending officer a FED Valentine today!

If you enjoyed that bit of irrational exuberance and are looking for more Valentines Day fun, check out our TARPentines from a few years ago.