My Own Private Idaho

Motorcycle Season

2013-05-16T12:26:00.000-06:00

Idaho's 'summer' season is fairly short. It finally warms up in May, and by September you're already in coats and preparing for below-freezing temperatures.

So when it's warm out, motorcycle owners take full advantage of the nice weather.

...much to my dismay...

I just moved within town, and was glad to get away from my old neighbors. They owned his-and-hers Harleys, and would spend hours tuning up the bikes in their yard, revving it up, and annoying the shit out of everyone within earshot. Once the bikes were sufficiently warmed up (usually 45 minutes of VROOOM!!!) they'd go out and ride all day. They would start their engines at 7am, leave around 8, and return home around 11pm. Every. Fucking. Day.

Just as you'd get settled into bed and 90% asleep, they come roaring home. One last blast of the throttle to make sure everything is in working order, and nobody is asleep yet.

This clip of South Park sums it up fairly well:

'Fag' is a strong word, but I like the way South Park played this episode. Motorcyclists, especially Harley riders, are more annoying than they are 'badass.'

So, now, moved into my new place, I was a little miffed when I heard the roaring of the pipes once more. Turns out another neighbor, one street up, has a Harley. He at least gets home between 9 and 10, but again... Every. Fucking. Night.

I used to want a motorcycle. The freedom, the good mileage, and the power attracted me. But I'm not an asshole and prefer a mode of transportation that runs without everyone having to hear it. I'll never buy a diesel truck, and I'll never buy a Harley.

Loud pipes save lives? Maybe on the road, but in my neighborhood it only makes most of us want to kill you....

Moving, Beefs and Revenge

2013-05-09T10:03:00.000-06:00

As if I didn't have enough on my plate already, I just finished moving to a new place.

This house is twice as big, the rent is almost the same, and it's a MUCH better landlord situation.

For those of you following my blog since Day 1, you may already know my in-laws have been my landlords since we moved to Idaho. We lived rent-free while we got back on our feet, and for that I'll be forever grateful.

But the situation felt a lot like Everybody Loves Raymond for a while. They'd stop by without notice and let themselves in. Sometimes leaving us scrambling for clothes (we're not always 'presentable' thankyouverymuch). Rent went from an acceptable amount to WAY too much, but I paid it happily because it felt like making up for those rent-free months.

The house was falling apart. Leaky roof in the garage, meaning storage was limited. Holes in the rotting back deck, which they refused to fix. I can't tell you how many times my foot would make/fall-though a new hole and I'd be limping for days...

Months of passive aggressive back-and-forth's later, they finally tell us it's time to move out. They used the 'we're trying to sell the house so we want it empty' excuse, but I think it was more about us complaining about their BS and not taking their shit anymore...

So we moved. Cleaned out the old house from top to bottom, making it much cleaner than when we moved in.

But part of me wants to have the last laugh. It's family, so I have to be careful, but I have considered 'revenge' things to do to the house.

Like poking holes in all the hoses.

Putting flash cotton under the stove's burners.

Putting an ad in the local newspaper: "Free gardening tools and furniture! Go to __________, the doors are unlocked. Help yourselves!" and see what happens.

But what got the most laughs from the wife and I was a little plan called "revenge of the beefs."

There is a crawl space under the house filled with cobwebs and dirt. Every winter I'd have to crawl under there to turn off the backyard water so the pipes don't freeze. Every spring, turn the water back on. I hate enclosed spaces and the cobwebs make me fearful of spiders (which freak me out) so I hated doing this.

I'm tempted to buy a 20lb tube of ground beef and put it down in that crawl space. Cover it in sawdust so it isn't visible, and just let the meat rot and permeate though the house. It'll smell like a dead body in about 2 weeks....

All the holes in the back deck? The holes that tried to swallow my foot? BEEF.

The leaky spot under the garage? The one that we didn't know about until the first storm, ruining clothes and boxes and end tables? CRAM THE LEAKY HOLES WITH BEEF.

Well, you get the idea.

About $50 in ground beef could turn into a lot of fun. Too bad the house will have trouble selling, since that 'rotten beef' smell is hard to get out...

Burying Myself in Electronica

2013-04-30T20:39:00.001-06:00

I'm still picking up the pieces from my dad's recent death, and trying to find my way back into a groove. Maybe when I get all of his affair in order, some sanity will come back to my life?

Meanwhile, I'm grieving by keeping myself occupied. I got a PS3 and 'check out' when I need an escape. Skyrim, Madden, Final Fantasy, Assassin's Creed... they are my way of getting lost for a few hours and letting the burden go away, if only for a short time.

PC gaming as well. I've discovered Candy Crush Saga (pity me), and play poker online.

As for online poker, I'm better than I thought. I don't put any money into it, but I'm good enough where I considered training for the poker WSOP for a moment.

Just a moment... I don't need another full-time obsession. I blog (even though by my recent posts, you can't really tell), have a day-job, have a new wife, and am moving into a bigger home.

One more vice? Yeah, don't have anywhere to fit it in.

But still... when I need an escape... to get away from the burden of my dad's death or my overwhelming work schedule... I have my vices, thanks to my devices.

Tales from the Hotel Room: What the WHAT?!?

2013-04-18T20:28:00.002-06:00

I've been on the road A LOT lately.

Apparently I'm burying myself in work instead of mourning or grieving my dad.

Or my schedule is just messed up. I have a wife now, and I've seen her for all of 5 hours this week.

Anyway, I'm in a hotel now (as usual) and this caught my eye:

Apparently this is supposed to be a Hot Tub suite, but they forgot one important thing.

...the Hot Tub.

So instead I have a tiled corner of my room, which makes no sense whatsoever.

...I think I got trolled by Best Western...

It's a Nice Day for a Geek Wedding

2013-04-11T11:54:00.000-06:00

We met around 7 years ago. On World of Warcraft, no less.

Spaceballs The Guild.

I bugged the hell out of you. You threatened to maim me with a grapefruit spoon on more than one occasion.

With time, we became friends. I was married, you were married. We did a couples mini-golf date that was an absolute disaster. I met you & your husband at an IHOP in San Diego, and gave him a 'Buttface' towel for his birthday.

Our marriages fell apart. We talked, vented to each other, gave each other comforting and consoling words to help get through the hard times.

Our friendship endured. It eventually became more.

Friends became lovers, and lovers became best friends. We forged the perfect partnership.

We have been living together for over 4 years now. Gone through good times and bad. Economic downturns, horrible moving trips. Bad jobs, and lots of memories...

I love that we're still geeks at heart. We play video games together, watch nerdy shows, have our inside jokes, yet are still functioning, responsible adults.

You have accepted my boys into your heart, and they have done the same. They now have a new step-dad, and today you get promoted to 'step-mom.'

Today, I marry my friend. My lover. My rock. My guild-mate. Mine mine mine.

Childhood Memories (and thievery)

2013-04-01T11:34:00.002-06:00

Hi all... Still dealing with dead-dad things, so updates and attention is sporadic at best.

99% of my family has been super-helpful, but 1 person is mucking things up to the point of utter frustration. Ugh.

While rummaging through my dad's storage unit, I found a lot of things:

- Camping / fishing gear galore
- Old bills/papers/manuals going as far back as 1986
- 4 boxes of dirtymags (Playboys and others)
- And lots of photos and albums.

In the boxes of photos, I found my old baby book as well as my brother's. There were pictures at the hospital, clipped locks of hair, lists of gifts from the baby showers, and this...

In my brother's book was a page listed 'first dollar' along with a story about Hawaiian's giving money to babies.

The money was missing.

Or taken.

I want to ask my parents about this... at what point were they a dollar short for something so vital that they'd pilfer from a baby book?

Maybe it just fell out, but knowing my parents that answer sounds too convenient...

I laughed. I wonder if my brother will laugh as well...

...and that's why we eat Ham for Easter...

2013-03-27T12:01:00.000-06:00

Just overheard at a coffee shop, one man speaking to another:

"Hey, do you know why we eat Ham for Easter? There's an Easter Bunny, we eat Ham... and what does any of that have to do with Jesus?"

"Well, Jesus was killed by the Jews, and Ham ain't Kosher. We eat Ham as a way to thumb our noses at them for killing our Lord and Savior."

"Oh. I guess that makes sense...."

...

...what...the hell...

Game of Blogs - Enter NOW

2013-03-21T08:12:00.001-06:00

Today is the final day to enter the Game of Blogs tournament, to decide our next ruler of the blogosphere.

Go here for more details:

And don't forget to promote yourself! Voting starts tomorrow!

Blogging? Ain't Nobody Got Time fo Dat

2013-03-18T09:46:00.000-06:00

I'm in Arizona, 1,000 miles from home.

Both for business and personal reasons.

One of my top customers is opening up a store in the middle of nowhere, so I'm helping make my product look good before they open.

And my dad died last week, so instead of coupling this business trip with some family time and fence-mending with pop, I'm taking care of his personal belongings and starting the long process of getting his assets in order.

And you know the rule. When someone dies, there always has to be some fight about the money. It doesn't matter if the deceased leaves an amount equal to a Lottery Jackpot or a #6 at McDonald's, here's always some squabbling involved.

So... Blogging? Sorry, but I don't have the time.

Because of that, I leave you this song. I hope it entertains, and I'll try to pump out something more 'of value' in the near future.

Love and mush,
B

On a Lighter Note

2013-03-13T12:15:00.001-06:00

Still recovering from the death of my dad, so expect posts to be half-assed and semi-sporadic for a week or two. My apologies in advance. I'll be back to my regular 'tapdancing monkey' self in no time.

For now, I wanted to share this with you:

What.

Long-time readers of this blog know my day job is to sell pet food, feed, lawn supplies, etc. I have been in the pet industry for a few years now, and I see a lot of interesting things.

But everything pales in comparison to...

THE PACKAGE.

The Package is a 3-treat-pack consisting of a 6" bully stick (aka penis) and the scrotum. They're odorless, oven-dried, and dogs go bananas for them.

But... The Package... well, the slogan sums it up: "It Is What It Is."

Yeah.

As a salesman, I have to think of ways to sell this product to customers. I get to walk into retail stores and go 'hey, look at my package' and 'my package is going to make you a LOT of money.'

...do you wanna touch it? Here, touch it...

I have such a 'hard' job...

And the jokes just keep on coming. As a male, I have prepared 32 years for the chance to tell penis jokes and get paid for it, and here I am.

Side view. I'm sorry.

It's not the most attractive treat I've ever sold, but those parts really can't be called attractive, can they?

(Fun fact: Bully sticks are cut and sold in different sizes. The 'full cane' is usually a 36" long tallywhacker of chewy goodness, and retails anywhere from $17 to $35 depending on quality and thickness. And now you know...)

What's funny is the first thing out of my mouth when I saw this treat was "That's six inches? Are you sure, that looks a little small..." and instantly THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID popped into my brain.

I may make the world of pet supplies look sexy and glamorous, but this product proves it's not all sunshine and unicorn-farts. The Package is serious business, and with luck, will be a good moneymaker for me.

It has come to this... I am selling my package to make a living... for some reason, I'm not that surprised.

Gutted

2013-03-11T09:20:00.002-06:00

My dad died today.

Rest in peace, dad. I love you.

RIP Hyperbole and a Half: Let the Game of Blogs Begin

2013-03-08T06:00:00.000-07:00

It has been a year and a half since the last update from Hyperbole and a Half. There have been intermittent sightings on Google+ and Reddit, but there has been no public activity from Allie Brosh in ages...

At this point, a search party would be called off, and the cadaver dogs would be called in.

I am sorry to say...

...with a heavy heart...

...I think the queen of the blogosphere may be dead.

...and if she's not dead, her blog definitely is.

Her last post focused on depression, and it could easily be the case that she's fighting her demons before she returns to the public eye.

Either that or she's discovered Skyrim and is completely hooked... I too have wasted hours playing silly games on my computer...

(ask me about my Plants vs Zombies trophies)

But her absence is disturbing. With nearly 200 million pageviews and thousands of comments on every single post, she was undisputably the ruler of the blogging world.

After time, the kingdom needs to move on...

...and we need a new ruler.

The mythical Keyboard Throne has been empty for too long...

...and with that, let the Game of Blogs begin.

I will tend to the throne while we choose our new leader. I do not wish to hold the title, as I would not be the best king for the realm. I will, however, manage things until a new ruler is chosen.

...will it be you?

Submit your blog on the widget below. Voting will begin on March 22nd, and be open for two weeks. Tell your friends, tell your fans to come and vote.

Like a normal war, the smartest commander will likely win. It is a numbers game, but there is also strategy.

But honestly, it's a numbers game. Whomever gets the most votes will be considered king/queen of blogs, and will be idolized by all.

Do you have what it takes?

If not, who do you wish to lead us all?

Let the Game of Blogs begin. I wish you all the best of luck, and may your rule be as just (and as fruitful) as Allie and Hyperbole and a Half's reign was.

The queen is dead. Long live... you.

(Make sure to promote this contest on your blog. After all, you need votes to win...)

Who Am I? (Clue: Not Slim Shady)

2013-03-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

I don't do the 'chain post' things too often. I consider them the equivalent of blogging herpes.

You get infected, and you're obligated to spread the disease to your bloggy friends. And so on, and so on.

Lady Estrogen summed it up really well when she made her STD award...

But Heather from My Husband Ate All My Ice Cream is an awesome person who manages an awesome blog, so I decided to do this 'Who Am I?' post.

I answer 25 questions about me, so you can understand your *cough* favorite blogger a little better. Here we go!

1 - Where were you born? Orange County, California. On a rainy January afternoon.

2 - Were you named after someone? Nope. I'm not a 'junior' but my nickname was 'bub' as in Bubba Smith. My mom said I was born with shoulders like a linebacker, so I was her big boy bub.

3 - How many children do you have? Two. Both boys, both live in California with their mom. I love them both, and they may end up having a little sister soon...

4 - How many pets do you have? *I* have one cat: Weeble. But there are 3 cats and a dog in my house.

5 - Your worst injury? Honestly, I've been lucky here. I was bitten by a dog when I was 8, which resulted in two stitches on my arm. I was in a car wreck once, but only walked away with bruises and soreness.

6 - Do you have any special talents? I'm a musician, and I love to write and arrange music. I was a flutist in college, and once transcribed the music from Super Mario Bros for a 60-piece wind ensemble.

It was epic.

7 - Favorite thing to bake? I love making cookies. If you've ever had a cookie from a Doubletree Hotel, I do better.

8 - Favorite Fast Food? I'm in sales, and spend a lot of time on the road. I eat too much fast food, and I'm over it. That said, a Miguel's Jr. burrito is a must-do whenever I'm in Southern California.

9 - Would you bungee jump? FUCK. YES. ...but I'm afraid of heights, so there's that.

10 - What is the first thing you notice about people? How they carry themselves. You can tell if a person is timid or confident in a matter of seconds.

11 - When was the last time you cried? Last weekend, when I was told my dad is probably dying. I don't like him, but I still love him...

12 - Any current worries? Well, #11... and my kids. I'm 900 miles away from them, and I'm pretty sure they're being raised well, but I'm not 'actively' in their lives. Not nearly enough. I don't like being there.

13 - Name 3 drinks you drink regularly: Water, Iced Tea (unsweet, sweet tea is NASTY) and Dr. Pepper.

14 - Favorite Book? Does Penthouse count? (kidding) I really enjoyed the Dark Tower series by Stephen King. Think a cowboy Harry Potter with naughty language and sex.

15 - Would you like to be a pirate? Only if I can 'plunder the booty...'

16 - Favorite smells? I think Alice sums it up really well... I like spices (cinnamon, cloves) and strong scents. I wear Chrome and Polo Explorer, so smell those and you'll know.

17 - Why do you blog? The long version can be found here. The short of it is Idaho sucks and is very strange. I love to share the lunacy of this state and the surrounding areas.

(and I'm an attention whore)

18 - What song would you like played at your funeral? A slowed down version of Enter Sandman. 'Off to never never land...'

19 - Least Favorite thing about yourself? I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a '64 Impala...

20 - Favorite Hobby? Music, blogging, and I like football.

21 - Name something you've done that you never thought you would do? I thought I'd never leave Cali. Idaho is something I never expected. (fucking Idaho)

22 - What do you look for in a friend? Benefits.

23 - Favorite fun things to do? See #22. And I love to travel. I do that for my day job, so I'm living the dream.

24 - Pet Peeves? Spelling/grammar issues, a superiority complex (politics and religion ESPECIALLY) and cockiness.

25 - What is the last thing that made you laugh? My fiancee is getting her hair colored right now, and the girl-talk coming from the dining room is hilarious! Chatty chatty...

And now, I have to tag 8 bloggers to do this too... Time to spread the herpes!!!

...

...or not. I don't feel like infecting you, but if you would like to do it, feel free. I'm not gonna blog-fuck you, but you can blog-fuck me if you'd like.

Pothole Season

2013-03-04T11:45:00.000-07:00

Not wabbit season...

Not duck season...

It's pothole season in Idaho.

As the snow begins to melt and the temperatures spend more time above freezing than below, the potholes come out to play.

Idaho has four seasons, but no spring. Pothole season lasts from March until May, sometimes longer.

It definitely makes for some fun driving. Cars swerving to avoid holes in the road... Repair shops making BANK with alignments or tire blowouts... And of course, the loud GA-DOONK as you hit a 6" pothole because you were too busy texting instead of paying attention to the road.

Because of the melting snow, puddles are everywhere. You can never tell if you're about to drive over a harmless puddle or dive down the rabbit hole until you take that risk.

...or watch the person in front of you go first... either they glide over or disappear...

The only bright side I can think of is Idaho construction is on top of this shit. Potholes are few and far between in California, but they take months to repair. In Idaho, days (if that). We prep for pothole season and patch things up quicker than you can blink.

But as soon as you fill one up, another appears. It's like whack-a-mole in reverse... the holes are after YOU.

Absolution

2013-03-01T09:55:00.002-07:00

Even though I have felt the sting of death before, it doesn't mean that I understand it.

Five years ago next month, I lost my father-in-law. I was married at that time, and he was the glue that held the family together.

Although my (now ex) would complain about him spending all of his free time shut away in his den, and although his marriage was far from perfect, his death shook the family to the core.

After he passed, he became a saint. Nobody would speak ill of him, and everybody only remembered the good. The bad, the faults, all absolved in an instant.

I remember thinking "the only thing that truly washes away our sins is death."

I loved that man. I loved him even more than I love my father. I haven't spoken to my father in about 4 years, and I'm totally ok with that.

However, this week I received a message from one of my cousins who lives near my dad: "Call Grandma, your dad is in the hospital."

I called almost instantly. He's a recovering cancer patient, and had it in his lungs and lymph nodes. When my grandma said 'he's weak, losing weight, having trouble swallowing, hospitalized because he kept falling / couldn't stand / couldn't speak clearly' my heart dropped.

I don't like this man, but apparently I still love my father. I wept, even though I didn't know I still had tears left for this man.

I'm in Las Vegas now for work. 4 hours away from him. I'll be in Arizona for work in 3 weeks and plan on visiting family then. ...but does he have 3 more weeks? If the cancer is back, I'm not so sure...

Grandma says 'everything's fine' and 'he's going to be ok.' But she always says that. Zombies can be at her doorstep, moments from breaking in and eating her alive, and she'd be 'fine.'

I'm torn. What do I do? Drop everything and go visit the man I can't stand, so I can see him one more time before he passes away? Risk going in 3 weeks and him being gone? Should I care?? (I keep asking myself this... my head and my heart are fighting...)

As much of an asshole my dad is, death washes away all sins. I don't know why it does, but it does.

St. Patrick's Day FAIL

2013-02-25T11:36:00.000-07:00

St. Patrick's Day is quickly approaching. Along with Mardi Gras and Cinco de Mayo, St. Paddy's is one of the holy trinity of drinking holidays.

And personally, it's my favorite. Green beer galore, as well as beautiful women wearing 'kiss me, I'm Irish' shirts? I'm there.

In anticipation for this event, I went to twitter to show my love for this March holiday, as well as show my apprehension.

You see, there are a lot of idiots out there who don't know what the official food is for St. Patrick's Day.

As you and I know, it's corned beef & cabbage. 'Corned' as in peppercorned brisket. Too many people out there call it 'corn beef & cabbage,' even though I've never seen corn served with the meal...

So I post this on twitter:

And then find a dozen or so idiots that have already made the mistake:

My head hurts from the massive amounts of fail, but I move on and go to sleep.

Then, the very next morning, I see THIS downtown:

It's like the gods are mocking me... The famous North Hiway cafe strikes again. They're famous for having the sign that reads "Home cook'n when your not home cook'n" so I expect no less from them.

Oh well. I'm going to go get a head of cabbage, a can of creamed corn and a hamburger patty. I'm going to celebrate early, and do it fail-style. Who else wants some corn beef & cabbage??

Insane Gasoline Prices? Who's to Blame?

2013-02-23T15:05:00.003-07:00

I was in California last weekend, and was stunned to pay well over $4 per gallon of gas. In some places, prices were getting very close to $5.

I asked one of my California friends about it, and their response floored me:

"Yeah, it's ridiculous, isn't it? Thanks Obama..."

I pointed out that gas in Idaho is about $3.30 right now.

Utah is about $3.15.

I was in Sheridan, Wyoming earlier this week.

...want to guess what I filled up at?

No, go on, guess....

$2.99.

It's up a few cents today (I just pulled that screenshot off gasbuddy.com) but gas was uber cheap.

So I looked in to why gas was so high in California. It's because of their importing restrictions, 'clean gas' regulations and all of their odd refinery rules.

Sorry, my California friend... please don't blame the President for Cali's insane gas prices. Your own state is doing that to itself, and has nobody else to blame.

But gas prices are indeed on the rise again nationwide. This happens every time this year, as the snow starts to melt and more people start to travel. It will dip again in September as it always does, with spikes here and there depending on what's going on in the Middle East.

Speculators name the price of oil, which raises the price at the pump. The international market dictates the price of gasoline, and will continue to do so, even if we get 100% of our oil domestically. It's an odd concept, but a lot of world economics is...

Futures and commodity pricing: It's a bitch. And if you don't understand it, you're going to be its bitch.

But for those that like to blame everything on President Obama, these are for you:

3 Super Bowl Wins under Bush - 0 under Obama. Coincidence??

You know, if Romney won you would be able to shoot this dog with your AR-15...

God Bless America.

Guest Post: The Facebook Pledge (Amended)

2013-02-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

I'm overwhelmed, so I'm asking people to fill the void while I drink myself stoopid and then attend rehab. The first guest poster is the amazing Birdman from Change the Topic. If you're not following him now, please change that. You won't be disappointed.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hello there. Brandon helped me out a few weeks ago when I was behind the proverbial eight ball, and when he mentioned that he was looking for guest posts to get him through a busy spot, I said I’d be glad to.

The truth is, I’m hurting for readers. I used to post angry rants about the church on my blog. Mostly the Catholic church, but any form of religion was/is fair game. I have mellowed a bit, and that has led the readers to angrier pastures.

Don’t get me wrong, I still want to ass rape hypocritical pedophiles with a blowtorch, but I haven’t been paying attention to how many diddling priests are out and about these days. I’m sure there are still a lot of them, I just haven’t been alerted to their shenanigans. It’s okay though, because I noticed that Brandon had posted this pledge to his Facebook fan page friends, and that got me going again.

I’m now going to dissect the pledge, because it’s easy and I might think of something funny to write about while I’m doing it. Let’s face facts; I’m a “just wing it” sort of guy.

I promise to refrain from shoving my religious or political ideologies down your throat seven times a day.

I do too, but if I think your views are even remotely hateful, hurtful, condescending, or otherwise assholish, I will let you know my beliefs a little more often than seven times in a day.

eg: Dave seems like a nice guy, but he’s a dirty Papist and I’m Pentecostal, a true Christian. I wish we could stone his ass to death.

I promise to respect your opinions, even if they differ from mine.

For the most part. If your opinions trample on someone else’s rights, freedoms, or well being, be it mental, physical, and/or emotional, and you make this known, then I will no longer respect your opinions. Just because an opinion is yours or mine, doesn’t make it right, so if you respect others, I will respect you.

eg: “Gays should be put to death. They are an abomination in the eyes of the Lord!”

I promise not to block or unfriend you simply for being an Atheist, a Christian, a Mormon, or even a Scientologist.

I will block you if you are a Scientologist. Only because you fuckers are crazy and you jump on Oprah’s couch. Crazy fuckers.

eg:

I pledge to be snarky and sarcastic, but not an asshole.

No, I pledge to be snarky, sarcastic, and an asshole. Not always, but you should expect it.

There you have it. My feeble attempt at a post. Brandon told me that anything goes, except for porn and nudity, so I hope this might sneak by the censors.

If that didn’t make it, then piss, fuck, cocksucker.

~Birdman

Be My Guest

2013-02-20T20:23:00.000-07:00

Between my day job and my personal life, I am SWAMPED right now. I feel more behind now than I have in years.

But don't worry, it's mostly in good ways.

I'm overwhelmed and I need help. If you would like to guest post for MOPI, feel free to hit me up. You can email me at lostinidaho@ymail.com.

I should be back to 'whelmed' in a week or so, so please bear with me until then. Thank you all for your continued love and support!

Pet Food Recommendations from Lostinidaho.me

2013-02-13T22:01:00.001-07:00

I talk about Pet Food from time to time, because I have a passion for pet nutrition. Hell, it's my day job, and I love what I do.

But most of my posts have been in a negative tone:

I've railed against Science Diet and brainwashed veterinarians.

I've made fun of Beneful and their junk-food in a bag. (Tortilla chips and vitamins? NOT food!)

Every time I do a post like that, people ask me: "Ok, don't feed this. Don't feed that. Well, Mr. Nutrition Expert, what SHOULD I feed?"

To be honest, if you go into your local independent pet shop (Not Petco, Not Petsmart. Joe's Pet Palace, and places like that) you really can't go wrong. There are a lot of super-premium foods out there and most pet stores are knowledgeable enough to tell you the right fit for your pet.

If you want to feed the best of the best, look into raw pet foods. They're extremely expensive, but the most natural and bio-available diet for your animal. However, my recommendation here is going to be for the majority of us that want super-good, but not super-expensive.

If I have to recommend one brand of food above all others, I am going to choose Dr. Tim's Pet Foods. This is still unknown in some areas and can be hard to find, but a lot of online retailers sell this food.

(Give it another 12-18 months, and it will be everywhere. It's that good, and I have a feeling it's about to get the industry recognition it deserves.)

Dr. Tim Hunt is a veterinarian and a dog-sledder. He is a raw food advocate, but it's tough to feed raw meat at 10 below zero. He designed his own petfood at home, using a cement mixer and a lot of knowledge. The company is still run by the doc, and he still practices veterinary medicine in Michigan.

Best of all, he interacts with his customers. Twice a week, you can ask Dr. Tim questions on the company Facebook page. Instead of dealing with a Marketing or PR person like most food companies, you get the man himself!

There are currently 4 formulations of dog food: Momentum (the super-high-energy sled dog formula), Pursuit (high-energy, but not as much as Momentum), and Kinesis (all life stages, for most dogs) in both a grain and grain-free formula. There is also one formulation for cat food, called Chase. In Dr. Tim's words, he basically ground up a mouse and tried to mimic that in a cat food. (I love that story)

The ingredients are top-notch. The vitamin premix he uses was specially designed for his foods. On average, 87% of the protein in the foods are derived from high-quality, low-ash animal protein (which is AWESOME! Pets thrive on meat-protein more than plant-based protein, ESPECIALLY CATS). ALL ingredients are sourced in either North America or Europe. His standards are insanely high. Even independent rating websites like dogfoodadvisor and dogfoodchat give this food stellar marks, often times higher than bags of food that can cost $20-30+ more.

Speaking of price, it's not too expensive. If you feed Kinesis to a medium-sized dog, it'll cost you about $1 a day. The 'mainstream premium' foods you would find in Petco, Petsmart or Grocery can be 25 to 50 cents more per day, at a MUCH lower quality. (And unlike other 'top-tier' pet foods at independent pet stores, this bag will not cost you $70/80/90 or higher!)

With a good food at a good price, you also get good service from the top down. If you email the company or ask a question on Facebook, you get an answer. Often times from Dr. Tim. He also does informative videos (example: Why do dogs eat cat poop?) about nutrition and overall pet health.

I love what I do, and love to help keep pets happy and healthy. I get that vibe from him. It's a good company, good food, and a good price. Currently, I don't sell Dr. Tim's (and he's not paying me to say this), so please treat this as an unbiased opinion, but if it's good enough for the current Iditarod Champion, it's good enough for me.

And now you know. With luck, this will be at your local pet shop soon enough (if it isn't already). In the meantime, there are plenty of online retailers to choose from that will deliver directly to your door. I hope this helps, and as always, please let me know if you have any other questions or feedback.

Local Business Spotlight: Rumbi is Dumbi

2013-02-11T22:19:00.001-07:00

There is an 'island theme' restaurant chain in Idaho and Utah called Rumbi Island Grill.

What is island food? Well you know, food served on the islands. Hawaii, Bahamas, Jamaica, Polynesian areas, etc etc. Not just one island... all of them...

Anyway, Rumbi is basically a casual ricebowl and 'tropical' salad restaurant. It's a la carte, and they gouge you up the ass with drinks. A rice bowl dinner for two tops $20 most nights, and it's not really worth the price.

But that's not my rant.

My girlfriend likes this place, so we go. Rumbi is running a special on the thing she likes. Normally it's $8 for the entree and another $2 for the drink. Tonight, it's $6.95 for both.

They still charge us full price. Luckily, they take 25 minutes to serve us (even though the place was nearly empty) so I had plenty of time to catch the error.

I go back to the counter and point out the mistake I'd like the $3 difference back.

...this takes two employees EIGHT minutes to figure out how to do it.

...yes, I timed them. I did it more to make them sweat than for the three bucks.

Service was incredibly slow, their collective knowledge was laughable, and shortly after they served us, they had to inform other customers that 'oops' they ran out of rice.

Two hours before closing... a ricebowl restaurant... runs out of rice...

...what...

I just don't like the place. They advertise on local radio stations, and the cadence of the narrator is seriously fucked up.

(paraphrasing here) "You always get great food at Rumbi ... (awkward pause) ...Island Grill."

"We don't just have fries, we have ... (pause) ...Sweet Potato fries! RUMBI FRIES! ... (pause again) ...at Rumbi Island Grill..."

It's to the point where my girlfriend and I mock the pauses. If something is ridiculously stupid, it's 'pause pause Island Grill.'

If you're in Utah or Idaho, avoid this place. It's overpriced, the service is poor, and just plain dumb. That is, unless you like being entertained by the goofiness...

...of Rumbi... Island Grill...

I Am A Musician Without Musical Talent

2013-02-09T13:24:00.001-07:00

In the 4th grade, I was eligible for the music program. I chose Trumpet, my parents chose flute.

I learned to love it.

Fast forward 10 years, I'm in college, a Music Major, and learning the finer points of musicianship. Composition. Arranging. Transposition.

I was good at my instrument, but I was quickly becoming more and more of a 'musician' instead of just a 'flutist.'

I loved every bit of it, until I had to learn other instruments. You can't write for an orchestra unless you know the orchestra, right?

Woodwinds were easy. Brass was stupidly simple. Strings were ok, but not too difficult.

...then came piano.

For the life of me, I just couldn't master the piano.

I was a virtuoso on the left hand. Or the right. But combined - both hands at once - the best I could muster was 'Chopsticks.'

I failed my first piano class, because I couldn't master playing basic scales on both hands.

I tried the class again, and took piano lessons at the same time. I would not be beat.

But beat I was, again and again. I just couldn't do it. And if you can't do it, you can't graduate.

I did everything else with style, bravado and humor. I arranged the music from Super Mario Bros for a 60 piece wind ensemble, and had everyone laughing out of their chairs. I was a soloist on more than one instrument.

But the piano made me its bitch. Those 88 keys owned me.

These days, I still play my flute from time to time. I scratch down some notes on paper from time to time, and I'd like to start writing more often. To work out chords and key modulations, a piano would come in handy... but I'm afraid... If I own a piano, I'll want to conquer it.

We'll see. Sometimes I feel like a musician without musical talent. I mean, if you can't play piano, what kind of musician are you??

We're Back in the Future

2013-02-07T13:10:00.002-07:00

GUYS!

Hey guys!

Did you know that this week was when Marty McFly traveled to the future?

Seriously.

Where's my hoverboard?

Where's my flying car?

Where's my...

...wait, what?

Yes I did watch the movie...

2015? Are you sure?

*googles*

Wait a second...

But then...

...why does?

...

These pictures seem to pop up more and more these days, and always get hundreds of likes and +1's before people realize the photoshoppiness of the picture.

If anything, I think this is all an elaborate ploy to make us all watch the Back to the Future trilogy again.

So, after a quick google images search, how many of these fabricated 'future' pictures did I find?

More than you'd think:

Are people THAT desperate for hoverboards and another half-dozen Jaws sequels??

Two and a half more years, people. We have two and a half more years. Then we can all have our precious hoverboards.

God

2013-02-06T22:16:00.000-07:00

This mirrors my thoughts almost exactly...

Congrats to the Baltimore Ravens

2013-02-04T07:00:00.000-07:00

Super Bowl 47 went from a dull blowout, to a blackout, to a shootout in no time flat. Congrats to the Baltimore Ravens for winning the game.

And congrats to the refs for keeping your flags in your pants for most of the game. SO MANY BLOWN CALLS, on both sides of the ball.

I decided to live-tweet the game, the commercials and the fun. If you'd like to read my 150+ tweets of absolute madness, you can go here.

There are a few good gems in there. I got more retweets and stars during the Super Bowl than I did all of 2012...

And now, as a Carolina Panthers fan, I look forward to the 2013 Draft, the next season, and the dream of an NFC South title.