A Good Thing Comes to An End

Knowing that our time together was coming to an end, Karin and I spent a lot of time together.

• The night after I arrived in New York we met up in UWS at Flor de Mayo.

  • Tried lomo saltado for the first time and realizing it was so heavily influenced by Chinese cuisine.

• We met up at Raising Cane’s later that week and watched the Harry Potter musical.

  • The Harry Potter musical was way way better than expected tbh. I tagged along just because Karin was so excited to go (and she got lottery tix) but I was pleasantly surprised

• We drove out to Montauk

  • Saw a big road side duck

  • Walked around the lighthouse

  • Went to a casino (Jake’s 58—would not recommend)

  • Got hotpot at Spring Shabu Shabu (loved it)

• Final day walking from LIC to Williamsburg

  • Stopping at Sweetleaf as we’d done many times before

  • Walking to Williamsburg as I wondered why we’d never taken the time to explore certain neighborhoods together

  • Going to Radio Bakery to try some pastries that Karin wanted but they ran out :/

  • Getting dinner at Peter Luger’s. Worrying that maybe it was too overrated but happy that we went. Happy that it made her happy.

  • Reminiscing about every date we’d had thus far. Spilling the beans on what we’d been thinking at every stage.

Every moment was tinged with some sadness. The feeling that this would be the last time we did a certain thing—the last time we’d eat side by side, the last time we’d watch a show, the last time we’d drive together, the last time we’d hold hands, the last time we’d listen to I’ll be Your Home Now—cast a shadow on every thing we did.

At first I was sad, then surprised at how sad I was. We’d started out so casually and I’d known for a while that the end was coming. I’d braced myself for the end and thought I’d be prepared. But alas things did not go according to plan.

We spent this last week celebrating the relationship and grieving the end. I’m glad we were able to do that. In a way it felt good to be sad together—that we both felt we were losing something important together.

On a particularly sad day this week Mom called and gently berated me for being so sad. She asked why I was acting like the world was ending. She reminded me that there were so many possibilities to life and that it wasn’t like either of us was dying. It wasn’t like we lived in the olden days and could only ever communicate by mail.

I’m aware that that might just be a way to ease the pain, but I still believe it. I’m not holding my breath for anything to change but I think life is longer than you think sometimes and you never know who will exit or re-enter your life at any given moment.

Will’s 30th in Merida

In the wake of our breakup I wasn’t particularly happy about going to Mexico but the following morning I flew out to Merida for Will’s 30th birthday.

To set the scene—a joint birthday between Will and Jesar where 30 of their closest friends and family would stay in a beach side Airbnb over the long weekend.

It ended up being a venn diagram of people Jesar exclusively knew, people they both knew, and people that Will had invited. I was in the last group. I’d met several of Will and Jesar’s friends so I ended up knowing roughly 25% of the group already

The first day was a complete wash. A part of me just wanted to be alone so I could process the end of our relationship and the last thing I wanted to do was make small talk. I said the proper hellos, kept mostly to myself, and stole away at random parts of the night to be alone.

The second day was much better. After a long slumber (~13 hours) I woke up feeling better. We kicked the day off with some group games. We played red light, green light from Squid Games and some other water balloon games. Afterwards we had dinner (served by a private chef!) and played some drinking games.

I learned some new drinking games from this trip:

• Flip cup

  • I knew what it was but this was the first time playing it

• Medusa

  • Flip cup based game where everyone starts with the their eyes on the table. You countdown and look up at a random person at the table. If there’s eye contact you immediately square off in flip cup and the loser is knocked out. If there isn’t eye contact you’re safe and move onto the next round

• Flip cup musical chairs

  • You play music and everyone dances around the table. The moment the music stops everyone starts flip cup. The last person to flip their cup is out and leaves the table. They choose the next song and when to stop the music

The second day was much more communal and it started feeling like adult summer camp.

The third day we went out to the city of Merida and explored. Kelvin and I split an Uber with James and Aditi (both of whom I felt went from strangers to friends by the end of this trip). We explored the city and ended our excursion with some Mezcal which was notably delicious but way stronger than expected and I was much drunker by the end. We went back to the Airbnb and I got a massage but the table was thin and by the end of it I was pretty ready to be done. We ended the night with karaoke in the pool.

Some reflections on the trip

• Though I was apprehensive about going given the timing with the break up—it turned out to be the best thing for me. To be surrounded by people and not too fixated on the break up itself

• I’d always seen Will’s friend group as an outsider but was never in the thick of it. Seeing how ingrained he was with the predominantly Indian friend group (as the only Chinese American) / how ingrained he was with the culture was interesting.

  • On our last night the group egged him on to do some traditional Indian dancing and he killed it. He’d told me before how much effort he put into the dances but seeing it in person was pretty cool.

  • I asked Shiv who the best dancers in the group was and apparently Will makes top 3

• The size of the trip. I was a bit concerned going in that I didn’t know many people but the size of the group became a fun feature by the end. Being able to bounce around between different cliques. Meeting new people. All pretty fun.

• Multigenerational

  • This trip was also unique in that Jesar and Daniel’s parents joined us. This was the first vacation I’d been on with someone else’s parents and it was very cool seeing the intergenerational bond. They drank with us, played the drinking games, ate with us, played volleyball, swam—pretty much everything besides smoking weed

Post Mexico

Getting back from Mexico was a hassle. The winter storm hit us so Kelvin, Will and I were rerouted to Syracuse. I’d low key wanted to visit that area of upstate NY so I wasn’t too displeased. We spent the night there and woke up to a beautiful snow blanketed wonderland.

We decided to drive back (partly out of fear we wouldn’t get back by EOD and partly to enjoy a nice road trip). The drive itself was icy and slow. The rest of Syracuse was not too interesting to me. We swung by So Gong Dong in Palisades Park for soondubu and I had the best dish of 2024 so far there (gopchang bokkeum)

The rest of the week was packed. Knowing it was my first week without Karin in NYC, I wanted to keep super busy.

• Swung by the office for the first time in weeks. Also took advantage of their soundproofed music room to work on album stuff

• Started my new musical improv class — very fun

• Swung by NYPL to volunteer for their recording studio program. In hindsight I’m really glad I signed up for this and am pretty excited for future volunteer sessions

• Hosted poker night! This was my first event in my new initiative to host one event per month and it went pretty well

• Watched Mind Mangler with Chris and Julia. Also organized this and I’m glad I took initiative there too.

Despite the break up, I feel good overall. My social life is going well. My artistic pursuits are in flight. I plan to keep busy for the next few weeks. I should also focus on my physical health too. I’ve definitely packed on the lbs lately.

As I read through past posts I feel such joy that I kept up with the blog over the past year. Granted, I wrote a lot fewer posts this year BUT!!! it’s still going! A simple blog that started in 2020 and is going strong in 2024.

I always get a little sad when I stumble on a blog that hasn’t been updated in years. What happened to the author? Did they lose interest? Did they become lazy? Did they die? So many questions that will likely never be answered.

On the other hand, when I stumble on a blog that’s still going strong to this day I feel a sense of camaraderie and duty to keep mine going. E.g. this blog of sardine reviews I stumbled on back in 2021 that’s going strong to this day.

Anyways—the past year in review:

2023 Recap

• Winter

  • The most notable part of January was I was dating someone. This was a very new thing where we’d been friends and hung out regularly for a while. She asked me out and I honestly did not know how things would turn out. She was someone I’d think about dating in passing. Not so much with active desire but more of in a day dreamy way. Kind of like you’d day dream about leaving your life behind and moving to Hawaii to become a surf instructor. A fun thing to think about in passing but nothing too serious. It was a novel experience but ultimately did not work and we did not last as friends.

    • Perhaps the moral of the story—do not date unless you’re absolutely serious about your feelings or are willing to risk the friendship.

  • This is the year I also started boxing. Early 2023 was the fittest I’d been in a while. Boxing, playing volleyball,

  • Also started going to church again regularly.

  • Took my first musical improv class!

  • Had a crush on someone and got friend zoned :3

    • Also have not stayed friends with the person. Perhaps the mistake here was rushing my feelings. We hadn’t been friends for long and I somewhat rushed into asking her out instead of getting to know her better.

    • To my defense the time we spent together felt awfully date-y. The day I asked her out she’d invited me to a Stella Jang concert. Before I got there I convinced myself that if it was a 1:1 hang she was into me. If she just wanted to be friends there would definitely be other people there.

    • By the end of the concert (1:1) I was somewhat convinced it was a date and asked her if it was. TLDR she just viewed it as a platonic 1:1 hang out…

  • Went on a road trip to the Northeast with Harry. Boston and Portland (Maine). I can’t really remember why we decided to go but I’m glad we did. I’d wanted to checkout the Northeast for a long time and this was my first time in Portland. We got upgraded to a Mustang convertible and rode out in style.

    • There’s still parts of the Northeast I haven’t explored that I’d like to checkout before I leave NYC.

      • Vermont in Autumn

      • New Hampshire (mostly because I haven’t been)

      • Toronto

      • Montreal

• Spring

  • Joined an improv team (a sex forward, feminist themed team called Slutprov lmao)

    • Honestly when I first joined things were rough. The first few performances were incredible bombs BUT I think we’ve vastly improved since then.

  • DC trip with Kelvin, Will, Helen and Kelvin’s sister

  • 5 Boro Bike Tour! I’d wanted to do this for at least a year

  • Joined a volleyball team

  • Got addicted to Choco Churro Turtle Chips

  • After my last two disappointing attempts at romance I dove back head first into dating apps. IIRC I’d held out before thinking I had a better chance of success in meeting someone IRL but at this point I decided to fire on all cylinders.

    • After a string of first, second, third dates—some great, some mediocre, all ephemeral—I met Karin in late April.

    • Our first date was at a wine bar. Before our date I was a little unsure of what she’d look like. In every single one of her photos she appeared like a slightly different person. The moment she walked in I was so pleasantly surprised. “Damn I got the best version I could have imagined.”

    • After the wine bar I convinced her to go Karaoke with me. I thought it’d be fun and probably the best chance I had to impress her (with my notable singing ability). At one point I queued up a Korean song and was pleasantly surprised again when she started reading the Korean lyrics and singing along.

• Summer

  • Europe trip! Edinburgh, Amsterdam and Prague.

    • This all started on a whim when I decided to check out the Edinburgh fringe fest but Edinburgh turned out to be one of my favorite countries. That leg of the trip was inspiring seeing all these performers come together and put on shows.

    • I returned from that trip inspired to work on creative projects of my own.

  • Started to get burnt out with work. Earlier in the year I’d transferred to a new team and we were pushing to launch a new product. I gunned hard with the promise that if I delivered I’d get promoted to Senior Engineer.

    • During the product launch things became rough. On a team of three backend engineers, one teammate was on sabbatical and the other went on vacation. During the most stressful parts of the launch I was responsible for everything backend related

    • On top of this my direct manager was on paternity leave

    • Work became stressful but I managed with a diligent workout schedule to relieve stress.

    • It was only after the launch when I discovered that I would get passed up for promotion. On top of this, our team’s work was being moved to India and I’d have to move onto a sister team that I’d made clear from the start that I had no interest in.

    • I’d never held out too much trust that the company would take care of me. During my time there I’d survived more than three rounds of layoffs. I always took that as a matter of fact. The reality of working at a high growth company that had never turned a profit.

    • But this time around after broken promises and an uncertain path forward I was finally personally disappointed.

• Autumn

  • Work got worse. The sister team I joined was responsible for crucial paths in our ordering flow. We were also directly responsible for integrations with countless external partners. Any time either of these experience issues we’d be paged to handle them. During one oncall shift I was paged more than 100 times. Night and day.

    • I hated work during this time and constantly day dreamed of quitting work. At one point I scheduled a 1:1 with my manager with the intention of resigning but changed my mind the night before and scrambled to find other topics to talk about.

    • I decided that I wanted to leave on a high note. To leave with some sort of victory instead of feeling like I was running away.

    • After a relatively painless recruiting process (a couple weeks of studying for system design and a couple days leetcoding) I got a new job (upleveled) at a company known for their WLB and their European work style and submitted my resignation with deep satisfaction.

  • Costa Rica trip with the fam

    • It was deep in the rainforest where I finally signed my contract with the new company.

  • Continued dating Karin. We spent a lot of time together. Highlights included a Catskills trip to see the Fall foliage and Halloween where we dressed up like Ratatouille characters

• Winter

  • Started the new job after Thanksgiving. During my second week we had the biggest layoff in company history (17%).

    • I wasn’t impacted but I was reminded once again to never expect too much from the company.

    • Just do your job, collect your money and find the best parts of life outside work.

  • Celebrated my birthday. Best birthday week in years

  • Back in California now but heading back to NYC tomorrow.

2023 Reflections / Takeaways

In hindsight it was a pretty good year. Reading through my 2022 Recap, the four main goals I had were the following:

• Finish my second album (I have a list of 4 songs I want to finish)

• Get promoted at work

• Date more seriously. I know it’s vague but I don’t want to force anything.

  • Better phrased—date more deliberately. Have a plan instead of waiting for the right person to come along.

• Figure out where I want to live long term.

  • A general thought lately—I’m enjoying living in NY but it doesn’t feel like I’m building towards anything. Maybe it’s because I’m renting and moving year after year. I want to decide where I’ll build my life for the next 3-5 years.

Of these I accomplished the second and third goal. I took initiative in both career and love life and found better opportunities in both.

Completely missed the first goal.

Still figuring out the fourth goal.

Some themes throughout the year

• A great life is built. The best parts of my year happened because I actively sought them out. e.g. dating Karin or finding my new job or organizing my birthday or starting musical improv—all the best parts would not have happened without some action on my part.

  • Related to this: continue to seek out things that make you uncomfortable

• Ripping this entirely from Atomic Habits: "You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems."

  • Related to this—the environment you set up for yourself is crucial.

    • It was so much easier to get in shape when I had a gym at the office that I could easily use in between work. So much easier to eat healthy when I ate healthy lunches at the office instead of eating junk delivery food

• You don’t have as much time as you think so do what you can while you can. Don’t put things off.

  • A regret from this year was I never visited Philip in Denver when I had the chance. I thought there’d be some chance in the years to come that I’d make my way out there and hit him up but he suddenly died this year and there’s nothing I can do now.

• Plan for the low moments

  • Early 2023 was great. I was sticking to my habits and making progress in my goals. Then stress hit me and a lot of the habits I’d devised for myself went down the drain.

  • It’s inevitable that you will hit a roadblock. I’m great at planning for the good times but how do I get back on track during the bad times?

    • I’m still not sure about this…

2024 Goals

I’m going to be ambitious here

• Music

  • Hire singing teacher

  • Release Album by end of March

    • Set up accountability pact—pledge to donate $1000 if I can’t finish my goal in time.

• Acting

  • Take an acting class!

  • Audition for a role

    • Bonus: actually play a role in something

  • Produce a show

    • e.g. write / produce something

    • OR get a team together

• Friends / Family

• Visit old friends in far places

  • Hang out w/ Andrew

  • Hang out w/ Sherry

  • Hang out w/ Kristy

• Host an event (12x a year)

• Plan 30th birthday

  • Big birthday bash with all friends I’ve made in the last decade or so

• Plan Dad’s 60th

• Travel

  • Cross country road trip

• Health

  • Curb my internet addiction

    • I’ve often felt that if I’d curbed my over dependency on media I could have accomplished so much more with my life. I want to put that to the test

    • The happiest periods of my life coincided with when I least relied on media.

That’s it for now. Perhaps I’ll revisit this later this year and update it. I want to focus more on my social life. In 2023 I left a lot of it to chance. Waiting to be invited to things instead of proactively setting up events and pursuing people I wanted to get closer to.

At this age I still subscribe to the theory that most friendships will fade. You’ll get married. Build a family. Focus more on family than friends over the years.

BUT!!! Wouldn’t it be great to have some life long friendships? To keep in touch despite the tides of time? Even if it’s not the way things generally go I want to find and hold on to people for as long as I can.

Best of 2023

• Top Snacks

  • Choco Churro Turtle Chips. My biggest Achilles heel at the moment

  • Lesser Evil Himalayan Gold Popcorn

• Top Books

  • Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow

  • Daily Rituals

  • Love in the Time of Cholera

  • Atomic Habits

  • Honorable Mention: Yellowface

• Top Restaurants

  • Atoboy

  • Katsu Hama

    • The old reliable workhorse of a restaurant that I go to when I don’t want to think too much about what to eat. Their miso glaze pork cutlet will hold a special place in my heart for years to come, evoking a coziness and memories of warm times with close friends

• Top Music

  • I’ll Be Your Home Now - Mac Ayres

    • The first song Karin and I listened to on repeat. The coziness of those nights

  • FKJ Concert

    • First time at Brooklyn Bowl. Amazing visuals and the music was incredible

  • Breathe - Sam Wills

    • No skips to this album

  • Bewitched - Laufey

    • Beautiful album and Laufey is a cutie :3

• Top Video Games

  • DOOM

  • Dave the Diver

  • Ember Knights

    • Playing with Harry was pretty fun

• Top Products

  • Muji Flannel Pajamas

  • Electric blanket for my cold winter feet

  • Kindle Paperwhite

  • Perform Better Ultra Speed Jump Rope
    

Back in California for Christmas. The last few weeks have been a blur.

The biggest event lately was my birthweek. This year I’ve been blessed to celebrate not once, not twice, but on three different occasions for my birthday.

1. The Surprise

2. The Ball Out

3. Woodday

The Surprise

Karin asks me to meet her in UES. The week before I’d surprised her for her birthday and she wanted to do the same.

We meet at Hex and Co to play board games together. We play Ticket to Ride (I let her win) and Scrabble (I win).

Afterwards she surprises me with a pasta making class at Aunt Jake’s.

I don’t think I’m great at surprises. Or more accurately—appearing to be surprised. I can’t say it was a complete surprise because I’d suggested we go a couple months before. I’d also done a pasta making class before (a team event in early 2020). But as the class went on and we settled in, it genuinely turned into a great experience.

The instructor was a drill sergeant-y Italian man who kept shouting (aggressively but good-naturedly) at the table to get everyone’s attention—roasting anyone who veered off course from instruction. The pasta making itself wasn’t too difficult and overall enjoyable. The wine was delicious. Karin and I inadvertently matched outfits with our black sweaters and blue apron and we were lookin goooood.

After the pasta making they served a three course meal (the lasagna was very hearty and delicious) and we got to take our home made pasta home. Karin secretly stepped away to alert staff it was my birthday so they brought out a candle during dessert and the entire restaurant sang to me. Karin has video of me appearing incredibly embarrassed. That moment was an absolute surprise and I was definitely embarrassed.

This was my first birthday in a relationship and I loved the surprise element and the effort Karin took to organize everything.

The Ball Out

The ball out tradition started with Will and Kelvin where we choose the most expensive/hyped restaurant we can think of and go there for our birthdays.

Past excursions have included Hyun (AYCE Wagyu Korean BBQ—a little too rich but delicious, great naengmyeon too) and Atoboy (Korean tasting menu—really good).

This time around I chose JUA (Korean tasting menu). I’d originally wanted to go to Atomix but it’s notoriously hard to get a rez there (I still want to try it before I leave NY).

TLDR—underwhelming for the price. Maybe I’d overhyped myself reading too many glowing reviews before going. All the food tasted good but nothing blew me away. The most notable dish was probably the dessert where they seemed to have reinterpreted yakgwa into a donut.

Woodday

As I contemplate leaving NY, I wanted a reason to bring all the people I knew together. I don’t know if this is a uniquely NY experience but although I’ve made a good number of friends throughout my years in the city, none of them really knew each other. My social life has always been a hub and spoke model where I am the hub and they are the spokes—all connected to me but disjoint from each other.

In the weeks leading up to my birthday I planned to invite everyone I knew and mix them up.

I hate planning large events but I forced myself to book a venue (Focal Point Brewery in LIC) and pick up some snacks and alcohol for the house party afterwards.

Here’s what happened the day of the event:

5 - 630pm: William comes early to say hi to me. He’d booked a solo trip to Switzerland and was flying out later that day so couldn’t make the party. We listen to music, talk about random stuff and I pitch him my idea for integrating the different social groups coming to my party

630pm: I start predicting and freaking out a little about the scenario where everyone comes a little fashionably late and I'm stuck at the brewery at a table all alone. I message Tim asking if he can come earlier and he obliges. He can come at 710pm. I also get a message from Karin saying she might come later around 8pm but I convince her to come at 730pm. I time my exit so I’ll arrive at the brewery around 710pm

7pm: I’m still seven minutes out from the brewery but I get a call from Helen asking where everyone is. Sweet Helen—the earliest of the group by far—has come earlier than even me. I’d been freaking out about being alone at the party for no reason. For the first ten minutes, we are indeed the only ones there. We catch up (I hadn’t seen her in months) and she casually drops the fact that she got married in the time I hadn’t seen her. A spur of the moment—engagement-less decision in Vegas to tie the knot. I am very surprised but happy for her.

730-1030pm: Everyone else filters in. We start drinking. A surprise visitor makes his way to the party—Jack from improv. Someone I’d liked but wasn’t super close enough to to invite to my party. I hadn’t seen him in months but was glad he came. Several others I hadn’t seen in months show up at my party—Harsh and Mehak, John C, Apollo—and I’m reminded of how difficult it is to consistently keep in touch with even people who live in the same city as you. Something I can definitely work on.

As expected, people tend to sit near people they already knew. Generally speaking the cliques are:

• Improv friends

• Volleyball friends

• Berkeley friends

• Work friends

• Friends of friends

Around 9pm, after people settle in, I start my plan.

Earlier throughout the party, I’d taken a Polaroid of every guest. I get everyone’s attention, shuffle my deck of Polaroids into random groups of three or four and get everyone to meet up in their new groups.

Even now as I write it all out I’m pleased by how it went. I know it’s not groundbreaking to mix people in a group but I love how randomly people were mixed.

1030pm: People naturally start to slow down and we take Ubers back to my place. A few late stragglers also meet up my place. We drink more, eat snacks (shout out to the corn poppers and elote dip from TJ’s). Since my apartment is significantly smaller than the brewery people collide into each other more easily and the group making becomes more organic. People stay until ~1230am, at which point the remaining guests (Karin, Tim, Kelvin, Susan, Harsh, Mehak) and I throw lyrics up onto my projector and sing Christmas carols (tbh mostly me singing while other people are listening…).

Best birthday week in recent memory.

The lead up and planning was a little more stressful than I wanted but I’m glad I went through with it. As 30 approaches I want to plan a bigger event next year.

In other news

• Been eating so much hotpot this winter. I generally love it but it’s become excessive at this point. This winter alone I’ve had it five times. My favorite spot so far is probably Lao Jie hotpot (meat was quality and I was particularly hungry that day). Dolar Shop was a little overhyped. Also did hotpot with the family at home

• Went to a winter village for a double date with Karin, Hannah and her new fiancee Andres. The winter village was perhaps the worst thing I’ve done all winter. Embarrassingly poor quality. Their advertised skating rink had a floor literally made of plastic. How can you have a skating rink with no ice?? Mostly a picture spot so we at least got some good pics

• Went to Karin’s grad school soiree. Since my company holiday party was canceled (layoffs) I’m glad I was able to go. The soiree itself was nice. Live jazz band. Cheese platters. Best flaky soft salmon I’ve had all season.

  • Meeting her grad school friends/teachers was interesting. I felt like a little kid following his parent getting introduced to new people.

• Immediately after the soiree (UWS) I trained down to Bed Stuy for Nicole’s birthday. Another friend I hadn’t seen in months. Had a blast and ran into an old friendquaintance (Tammy) I hadn’t seen in years.

  • Literally the day after I also randomly ran into Tammy’s sister who I also hadn’t seen in years…. small world

  • The following Monday, Nicole, Jason and I caught up more in depth at Rule of Thirds. Beautiful space, good food. Pork jowl was amazing there.

And after all that I am now at home. Life has been good but fast. I’m happy overall but can’t help but feel that something is slipping through my fingers. So much wasted time. Maybe it’s because I’ve been through so many layoffs recently but the idea of efficiency is so top of mind.

And I am generally inefficient these days. Honestly a little too much internet usage. Something to think about in the new year.

We celebrated her birthday this past weekend (karaoke with her friends on Saturday and I took her out to omakase and Little Shop of Horrors on Sunday). Spent hours trying to plan the best day I could but I approached the whole thing with a little more anxiety than I’d want (e.g. worrying about getting to the venue on time, worrying about whether she’d like the decor at the restaurant, etc.). It was the first birthday event I’d planned for anyone (not to mention—someone I was dating) and I wanted it to go well.

I’m also planning my upcoming birthday and the different things I want to do. I lowkey hate party planning for myself but I’m forcing myself through knowing I’d regret if I didn’t do anything.

Anyways — with all the above happening at relatively the same time it feels like a lot of changes at once.

I don’t love the process but I want to be the kind of person who embraces change gracefully and diligently marches towards the future so I’ll try my best.

Up until recently I’ve kept my head in the sand regarding a lot of changes. I didn’t think too hard about Karin’s timeline regarding her move. I wanted her departure to hit me suddenly and peacefully like someone dying overnight in their sleep.

But that seems pretty impossible at this point and I’ve started to acknowledge the reality lately. Well—at least we still have time.

In other news

• I got my Spotify Wrapped!

• Play tested Tim’s new board game. Really good for a first play through. Was kicking his ass

• Went to Noodle Village with Will, Kelvin, Susan

• Midweek dinner with Karin at Jin Ramen. Decent ramen but not amazing

• Last volleyball game of the season—lost but it was a valiant effort

• Made a big batch of jajangmyeon using this recipe. Pretty good overall but don’t love having that much ground beef to chew through. Maybe I’ll try impossible meat next time

Thanks for reading, bye!

But I can’t claim to have a strong direction of where I want to take my life. As of now I am there to make money and not be too stressed.

Is there anything wrong with this? Yeah I think so in the long run. I want to live like an archer notching his arrow aiming ahead into the future and barreling towards the thing I want. Not just float around waiting for life to happen to me.

I’d guess a balance between the two is necessary for a sustainably happy life but lately I think I’ve been a little too passive in terms of what I want out of my life.

Anyways—will think about this more in the weeks to come. I want to settle into work, get a good grasp of things and then figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I’m happy that I’m back to writing more regularly. Pretty helpful in terms of keeping my head above the waves and thinking more objectively instead of just being continuously submerged in life.

Thanksgiving 2023

Went back home this past week for Thanksgiving.

Dad wanted to host all the stragglers from his company who couldn’t make it home for the holidays. Mom forced me to make at least one dish and I ended up making Butternut Squash Soup.

The soup and the dinner were both a success. Met a few new people and we all bonded by getting drunk on a rotation of soju, wine and whiskey.

We also played yutnori (a traditional Korean board game that Harry seems obsessed with lately) and my team ended up losing :’)

As usual—a pleasure being home with family.

Have thought lately of returning back to LA. I think I got what I wanted mostly out of NY. To expose myself to new things and cultures. See what it was like to live in a big city. Grow my career.

I’ve seen plenty of friends come and go and at this point it feels like I’ve eaten my fill.

I want more space. To be close to family. To own my own property somewhat soon. To feel like I’m building my life somewhere instead of just passing through.

So maybe LA this year??

In other news

• Visited Gomo to pick up my new company laptop and phone. Hung out with Dahwi, Brian, Gomo and Gomobu with a few drinks and karaoke.

• Visited a few houses in Corona, CA because Mom and Dad seemed interested.

• That’s about it—pretty slow week

This upcoming week I’m starting my new job so will be busy with that!

I’m writing from the Sweetleaf on Jackson Ave. In a couple hours I’ll be flying back to LA for Thanksgiving. A lot has changed since August.

New Job

Got a new job! From my last post—I’d returned from Edinburgh full of hope and inspiration. I planned on finishing my album. I planned on writing and staging a new musical. Things were looking up.

Then my first oncall shift came and everything fell apart. I don’t like blaming work for everything but I was getting paged through the night. 100+ times per shift. Truly hated work during this period. Besides oncall things were getting kinda shitty. My manager was going on paternity leave. My skip and I met maybe once per half. Didn’t love my team.

Decided then that there wasn’t much left for me at the company.

I first planned on quitting my job and taking a few months off doing nothing. I told all my friends. I’d spend the time getting back into shape, traveling, finishing my album (lol), cooking more, investing in relationships—all the things I so easily put off in the name of Work. I scheduled a meeting with my manager before he left for pat leave with the intention to quit.

But then I chickened out the night before.

Decided I’d rather leave on a high instead of escaping with my tail between my legs. Also didn’t want to deal with a loss of income for too long. The market also seemed pretty uncertain so I didn’t know how easily I’d get a job after my break.

Spent the next few weeks leetcoding and applying.

Anyways—starting the new job late November! It’s at the closest thing to a dream company for me. Working at a music company with plenty of WLB and also got the uplevel to Senior engineer :)

I am cautiously optimistic about what’s to come. I remember when I got my offer for my last job I was ecstatic. Literally jumped for joy when I got the offer.

But after the last five years I’ve come to think that work is just work. I feel like I’ve dealt with a lot of bullshit in the last few years (probably most people in the industry feel this way) and I’m somewhat bracing myself for what’s to come.

Still, whatever’s to come at least I got the promo I wanted and will (presumably) not be worked too hard at my next gig.

With the injection of WLB I want to focus on the next few years of Life. Plan further ahead instead of taking things day to day.

Autumn Recap

In chronological order:

September

• Minigolf and Sum 41 concert

  • Went all the way to Jones Beach for the first time. Concert was ok. Mini golf was great. The beach setup was pretty cool. Pristine white sands with mini golf, tennis courts, ropes course, etc.

• Mac Ayres concert

  • Best concert of the year. Asked a lot of different groups to go with me but no one was interested. Finally convinced Tim to go with and it ended up being incredible. Amazing vocals and vibes.

• Catch up with Apollo at L’Industrie Pizza and watch a clown show

  • After seeing Stamptown in Edinburgh I’d wanted to see more clowns. Pizza was great. Clown show was a hit or miss.

October

• Mary’s bday with the volleyball team :)

• Kaagni and Nainaka’s bday at House of Yes

  • Was going to go with Will but he got sick and couldn’t go last minute. Convinced Karin to come with last minute

  • I’d wanted to go to HOY for a while and I’m glad I went. Been going to Bushwick more these days and it seems like a pretty cool neighborhood

  • They went for the sexy vibe as well but compared to the Stranger (another club in Manhattan) it was a little scaled down.

• FKJ concert

  • Went with Tim, Nathan, Susan and Matt. Most people in the group didn’t know each other and I was the common link between everyone. Had a pretty fun dinner before the concert where we talked about our worst dating experiences

    • Dating is the most common battleground that anyone in their 20/30s in NY can commiserate over

• Fall foliage with Karin

  • We went to Hunter Mountain to ride their ski lift up, rode a fall foliage train and did a lil apple picking. Ended up getting nearly 20 pounds of apples (we made an apple crumble bake with the apples we picked)

  • This was our first overnight trip so I was slightly nervous about how it would go but it was pretty fun

  • I love driving upstate

• PREP concert

  • Concert again with Tim, Nathan and Susan. This time we smoked a joint before to really enjoy the funk of PREP

  • Also got 7th St Burger for the first time and it was pretty tasty

• Costa Rica

  • With the FAM

  • Did a lot. This was a guided tour with a bunch of other families so we all kinda got to know each other by the end of the trip. Everyone was pretty fun

  • Coffee plantation tour, brewery tour, exploring downtown San Jose (underwhelming tbh), driving through the rainforest, zipline tour—we did a LOT

• Halloween

  • Me, Karin, Kelvin and Will at Chaitya and Saad’s party. They rented out an entire bar in the East Village which was pretty cool

  • Karin and I have a running joke of talking bout Ratatouille so we that was our costume

November

• Stamptown

  • Saw Stamptown with Harry! I loved them when I saw them for the first time in Edinburgh so I took Harry this time

  • Still pretty good and Harry seemed to really enjoy

• Quit job

  • Goodbye! It’s been nearly five years and through the ups and downs I met some pretty good people

  • I’ll be working across the street from my old building so hopefully can keep in touch

• Florida wedding

  • Went to Raj and Navdeep’s wedding in Mt Dora

  • My second time going to Orlando

  • Went by myself and made the best of the solo trip. Went to the Kennedy Space Center (cool but wouldn’t go back) and walked around Disney Springs

• Heidi’s Bday

  • Saw Heidi! It’s been very very long. She hosted a bunch of people for waffles and brunch at her place

  • Also met a bunch of her Ohio State friends

Friends

That’s been the last few months. Lately I feel like I’m rushing through life. Not really directing myself and living deliberately. With the new job and the better WLB I hope to get back on that train.

I’ve also been talking about friendships more lately. Talking to different friends in NY who express how difficult it seems to build depthful relationships. There are so many choices and people and events in NY that it’s easy to rotate constantly but hard to consistently grow along someone.

I definitely feel that too. It’s not uncommon to have months long gaps between seeing a friend—even if I really like that person!

The energy and vulnerability it takes to consistently reach out when there are dozens of other people and priorities vying for your and their attention…

I wonder if this is a uniquely NY thing or people in other cities experience the same. I’d guess in smaller towns with a smaller set of people to focus on you kinda reach out to the same people more consistently. One of my friends plans on moving back to SF for this very reason.

There are some strategies to help here though

• Be more deliberate. Instead of relying on chance and circumstances to bring you to a person—be more conscious about how the friendship is going

  • To this end I think tracking your friends via spreadsheet might help—one of my friends told me he does this as well. Tracking different friends he wants to get closer to along with the last time they hung out

• Be more of an organizer.

  • I’m pretty bad at this and I always admire my friends who are able to do this so consistently. Kelvin’s great at this. Heidi’s great at this. Junseo seems good at this too with the dinner parties he’s been organizing. Organizers are far and few between but I think it’s a useful skill to have for the rest of your life

  • I’ve felt that my social life in NY has always been a hub and spoke model where I know a bunch of different groups but they don’t know each other. Fix here would be to deliberately mix and mingle

Edinburgh to Amsterdam to Prague to Amsterdam to USA.

I left for this trip feeling a little burnt out with life back home but I return feeling cautiously recharged.

Edinburgh

I’m in Edinburgh. I’ve come here on a bit of a whim. Months ago I message Rupert about visiting Edinburgh Fringe. Weeks ago, Rupert reminds me that the festival’s happening. Burnt out with work and desperate for an escape, I book a ticket to Edinburgh to see the fest.

This is my first international trip of the year. When I arrive, I’m pleasantly surprised by a few things

1. There are way more Asian people, more racial diversity than I expected

2. Everyone seems so happy, joyful

3. Everything is so close. We stay in an Airbnb on the royal mile and all of our shows are within 20 minutes walking distance

4. The weather is pleasantly cold. Hovering between the high 50s and low 70s

5. Sticky toffee pudding is so damn good

The fest has taken over the entire city. There are more than 300 venues playing shows at any given moment. You can’t walk down the street without getting flyers for at least 3 different shows. Even the streets are taken over by performers—ranging from clowns to fire dancers to magicians.

We end up seeing 3-6 shows every day.

During this trip I see some of the best shows of my life.

Some highlights

• Stamptown Comedy

  • I can’t do it justice by writing down what happened but here are some highlights.

    • As we walk in a dude on rollerblades wearing merch (hat, shirt) that says Dylan keeps rollerblading around. He throws himself into the performance. Some dudes in skin suits come out and dance behind him. He air drums to September by Earth Wind Fire. His finale song is Ridin Solo by Jason Derulo. They keep playing it throughout the show and he keeps running on stage

    • Main host comes out—sooooo funny. One of the funniest live dudes I've seen in my life. Zach Zucker. Plays this weird Brooklyn accented character the entire time. One of his main gags is to point at his ring whenever anyone in the crowd laughs and says "I'm married" llllllmaooooooo laughing as I sit in my chair writing this now

    • At one point he crowd works and talks to a girl named Caroline. Then he literally starts mumbling the entire song Roses by Outkast. Literally goes through 75% of the song. You think he'll stop but he just plows through. Takes a good 2-10 minutes with the entire gag

    • A woman called the Virgin comes out. Small, wearing black trash bags with a bunch of dark makeup on. Very trashy, disheveled looking. Her thing is to be filthy and pretend that God impregnated her and act super creepy. Actually pulls it off and it's so weird and dark that people are caught off guard but really like it. She goes around “baptizing” people with her drool. She asks permission from each crowd member but I still cringe each time they let her do it. She births a piece of raw steak and that becomes her prop the entire night

      • Weirdest, creepiest, most disgusting thing I’ve seen in a while but I was very engaged

  • This may be arrogance but when I watch shows I usually think to myself “I could totally do that.’ This was the first show in a while where the talent / skill level was so far beyond me that I couldn’t think that. Inspiration.

• The Man Who Thought He Knew Too Much

  • Very charming four person play (with musical accompanist) where a frenchman gets caught up in an international conspiracy

  • The most interesting part of the show was how they framed the stage with their bodies. E.g. a scene where a character is aiming through a scope: the shooter is in the back of the stage looking through an imaginary scope on an imaginary gun while the other actors form a scope upstage with their bodies (two actors form a circle with their hands while the third actor stands in the middle of the circle). As the shooter adjusts the scope, so too do the actors forming the scope upstage.

  • So simple but so creative.

• Grand Opera Hotel

  • A man starts a new job at what appears to be a old haunted hotel. On his first day he stumbles on what he thinks is a ghost singing opera (it turns out to be a coworker). The story focuses on the pair’s budding romance and how they connect with each other (they only meet face to face at the end of the show).

  • The first part of the show was a little dry but I was very pleasantly surprised when the latter half turned out to be an opera! I haven’t watched a musical where they delay singing until the second half of the show.

• The Umbiliical Brothers

  • A unique format where the actors were onstage with green screens. They’d play skits on the green screen that would display on the larger screen above them.

  • Interesting gag where they videoed specific audience members and greenscreened the actors’ mouths over their faces and dubbed over them

• A couple of Asian performances—4/4/4 (4 asian actors play 4 white IRL characters who had pretended to be Asian characters), Unforgettable Girl (solo show about an Asian mail order bride), Chris Grace as Scarlett Johansson (solo show talking about whitewashing roles)—ranging from decent to terrible.

  • Every Asian show we watched focused too much on Asianness in relation to white people. Which I understand given Edinburgh and most of the performers were pretty white. But it felt overdone.

  • We’ve seen so many Asian works lately that highlight Asianness without endlessly comparing it to whiteness. I wanted to see more of that.

Besides shows we also did a day trip to Loch Ness. Overrated in my opinion. It’s a lake with a castle and I’ve seen plenty of lakes and don’t care much for castles.

We stopped by Glencoe on the way back and that was stunningly beautiful.

On the ride back to Edinburgh we got into a fender bender and stopped for a few hours in the town of Callander. A small town with a main street with a few restaurants and pubs. The pub we went to had a small group of old Scottish people playing guitar and singing Karaoke. After a few drinks I mustered the courage to join them. They asked me to pick a song—something exciting. I picked my go-to Can’t Feel My Face by The Weeknd. Killed it. The Scottish grandmas and grandpas clamored for more but I—in my humble ways—passed the proverbial mic to the next performer.

After a few more songs we got the bus fixed and rode back to Edinburgh.

Overall Edinburgh was amazing. Loved the city. Loved the fest. Could absolutely see myself living there for a year.

On my traveling companion: I am consistently impressed by how directly Rupert lives his life. Of all my friends I think he is the most direct in seeing something he wants and attempting to get it. Where others might refrain due to embarrassment or hesitation, he seems to go forward with no doubts. E.g. after the Stamptown show he wanted to stick around to meet the cast. I went home while he waited and met everyone. He ended up hanging out at the bar with them and doing magic tricks for them. I had a legitimate excuse for leaving (I had to book my next leg of the trip) but in the end that was still an excuse to not linger and wait and try to meet the cast.

Fun fact—In a weird chain of events:

1. King of Scotland is defeated in battle

2. They build a wall and move everyone inside the borders

3. With no room to build horizontally, people start building vertically

4. Edinburgh ends up with the tallest buildings during this era (12-14+ stories high. Unfortunately most of them burn down)

5. People start throwing their waste out of these high storied buildings (shouting GARDYLOO which is french for “watch out for water” because the Scots love France)

6. When drunkards hear people shouting this—in confusion—they instinctively look up and get smashed in the face by a dookie

   1. People also instinctively put their hands up leading to broken fingers :(

7. Leading to the phrase shit faced drunk

Amsterdam

I was reluctant to leave Edinburgh (I could have stayed 2-3 more days enjoying the fest) but my time had come.

I landed in Amsterdam. I’d toyed with the idea of living there since my company has a branch office in the city and I wanted to check it out directly.

Honestly—a little underwhelmed. In contrast to the beautiful old castles of Edinburgh, Amsterdam was pretty modernized. There were plenty of positives—beautiful canals lining the streets, easy access for cyclists, a globalized food scene—but it didn’t capture my heart as much as Edinburgh.

The nightlife was great. It seemed to transform into a completely different city when night came.

Did all the usual stuff

• canal tour

• red light district (nothing crazy 🙊)

• Rijksmuseum (we did this on a whim and was in and out pretty quickly)

• Walking tour

• Smoked weed from one of their coffeeshops

• Albert Cuyp Market

Ate all the usual stuff

• Stroopwafel

• Fries—had way too many fries in this country

• Cheese!!!! Had some amazing cheese while I was there

• Indonesian! Was surprised to see so many Indonesian restaurants in the city. Karin later told me it’s because the Dutch had colonized Indonesia

I’m glad I went. Would not go out of my way to visit again but if I ended up there on a long layover I’d enjoy it.

Someone on the trip told me that Amsterdam was a city to relax in and that rang true. Perhaps a little too relaxing after the excitement of Edinburgh.

Prague

A few days into Amsterdam, Harry and I felt we’d be a little bored staying there a week so we booked a trip to Prague.

This was the classic European city experience we were looking for. Castles! Old beautiful bridges! Town squares! A river!

Some previously unknown facts of Prague

• There are a ton of Koreans there! As far as I can tell it’s because a famous Korean drama (Lovers in Prague) ran back in the day and Koreans have been visiting the city ever since

• Prague has great beer! We had their beloved Pilsner Urquell several times and even visited the museum

• For some reason there are tons of Thai massages there. Not entirely sure why

• Good meat and cheese

Overall, Prague was a beautiful, old European city. I’m glad I went. Will likely be some time before I visit again (if ever). Somewhat of a weird thought to know that you’ve visited a place for the last time but oh well.

Back to NY

Every time I travel I step away enough from my old life to re-examine what I want to do better and what I want going forward.

This trip was no different.

1. I want to do work I enjoy (or at least feel engaged with).

   1. A number of experiences this trip reinforced this belief: reading Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow and seeing how the characters loved their work

   2. Watching Zach Zucker and Stamptown have so much fun on stage

   3. Conversely, I still don’t want to be a starving artist. For all the shit talking I do about my job sometimes, it’s truly amazing how many resources I have because of it and what I’m able to do with them. I guess the balancing act is maintaining a job that pays well while reminding yourself there’s a vast world beyond it. Spending the money on enriching experiences.

2. I gotta get my shit together. Nothing fantastic in life happens by chance (or at least it’s very unlikely for me) and I want to be a person who can build a life I want instead of waiting for it to happen to me.

   1. There are so many distractions in this world. So easy to forget what you want out of life. So easy to let things go to a mediocre homeostasis.

   2. I wonder if in the past—pre internet—it was easier to stay focused on things

   3. Can’t blame everything on the internet though

Life’s passed by in a blur per usual. But it’s been good.

It’s hard to think of all the things I’ve done since that time but here are some highlights:

• Continued improv / musical improv. Just had my Level 3 class show for improv and did a “new faces” musical improv show at Brooklyn Comedy Collective.

  • Also did a musical show for Slutprov… The concept is for us to be slutty improvisers but I don’t think the concept played out very well 🥵

• Did a long weekend trip to Virginia / DC to see the cherry blossoms

• Did the 5 boro bike tour—a 40 mile bike race from Manhattan - Bronx - Queens - Brooklyn - Staten Island

• Went on more dates—some flings, some failures, some fallouts, some new friends.

• Been working a LOT—more than I’ve worked in the past. It was fun and novel at first but now I don’t enjoy it as much.

• Been playing volleyball in a league. We’ve lost every game so far which is frustrating but I’m glad we’re playing at all

• Started volunteering at church. Doing cleanup crew for kids ministry. I have mixed feelings on this. I’ve wanted to volunteer more for a while but never had a strong desire to do kids ministry. Feel like I kind of fell into this but I’ll try my best while I do it. Maybe it’ll be rewarding…

I’m in a bit of a lull period right now. Improv classes have finished. That excitement in my life has faded a bit. I’m trying to figure out the next steps, next few months.

I’m playing around with a few ideas but I think it makes sense to double down on making music.

• I’ve let this new album go on far too long. The discipline I need to create is not fully there

• June is NY Music Month so there are a bunch of events, resources. I’m gonna ride that wave and have a tangible thing by the end of month. I hate delayed progress

  • I’ve taken advantage of this by booking out a music practice room every week for free in Astoria. I think the separation of life - work - music and having that space to create and practice will be good for me.

• The main issue I have with making music is that it’s lonely. I wish I were in a band. I wish I had more music friends. Right now I only know two people actively making music—Frank and Wendy. Trying to catch up with Frank and Wendy is a new friendquaintance. My point here is that my music community is not that strong

• Contrasting that with improv where collaboration is baked into the activity

Well—it’s only for the month.

After that I want to actually go on vacation. I’m tired of working. Kind of tired of being in the city. The past few weeks I’ve fantasized of drinking under a palm tree. If I can do that for a week away from everyone and everything I’ll come back stronger than ever.

That’s the recap thanks for reading friend.

The following is a draft I had back in April 25. I was feeling very high on life at this point. I’m currently riding the tail end of that high BUT I feel it fading BUT I’m sure I can get back to that feeling. The italicized comments are my current thoughts on this matter.

For a period after college I found myself looking back to 2016. That was the year everything clicked. I had a girlfriend, I was the fittest I’d been in years, I’d just declared my computer science major and spent hours chilling on campus listening to music and drinking coffee. I dove headfirst into acting. I had a circle of close friends. I was the happiest I’d been in my life. The golden year.

I made several attempts after that year to reach that emotional peak. I thought I could fine tune different parameters of my life to get there. But all attempts fizzled out until now.

It might be premature but I’m declaring this as my golden year part II.

I am very happy right now. I’m going back to my peak physical form. I’m healthy. I have a good group of friends in NY. I’m back into acting. Going on more dates. It feels like I’m firing on all cylinders.

I think this happiness is something that can be built. It’s not something that strikes like a bolt of lightning—it’s something you can achieve with a plan and consistency.

I also believe that this golden year will slip away. Disaster may strike or I might just become lazy and let everything drift away. For when that time comes I want to have a record of what I did to start feeling this way again.

Body

If your body isn’t right the chances of a golden year are slim. Here’s what I did

• Workout 4x a week. Monday/Wednesday lift at the gym. Other days I either take a boxing / fitness class or I play volleyball.

  • I slipped a bit on this. Injured my wrist a couple weeks ago and stopped working out. Feel a little shittier than I did back then but I’m getting back into the swing of things

• 10k Steps a day

• Roughly track calories. For a few weeks I’d track religiously on My Fitness Pal to get a better understanding of how many calories were in each food. These days I kinda eyeball it. I aim for ~1900/2000 calories knowing I’ll burn roughly 500 with my walking/exercise. TDEE stuff

  • The lack of exercise led me to eating a bit unhealthy here. Along with having guests over—I always eat kind of unhealthy with Harry. Something about hanging out with him makes me loosen up. Maybe it’s because we ate so unhealthy as kids together—I might be reading into it too much.

• Sleep. I installed an app (Opal) that blocks distracting apps during a time window (11:30pm to 11am). In the past I’d scroll IG, Youtube late into the night but now I don’t have that option. My sleep schedule is ~midnight to 830AM.

  • This has continued to be a game changer. My sleep’s much better since I installed this guardrail.

I’m trying to hit my weight goal of 160. I started at 174 and I’m at 168. I’m pretty happy with my progress so far.

I’ve fallen off the wagon in recent weeks with injury, not working out as much, and letting my diet slip—but I’m back on it again.

I’m fully aware of how convenience has affected my success. I have a well stocked salad bar at work as well as a gym. In the past I’d have to exert energy to make healthy meals and trek over to the gym but now it’s almost automatic.

Mind

I think body accounts for most happiness. Mind is the extra stuff that makes life more enjoyable.

• Stopped watching porn. At this point, who knows the exact science? Is it bad for you? Does it matter? All I know is that after I watch it, I feel kinda shitty. When I don’t watch it I feel better. It could all be placebo but I’ll do what feels good. Also motivates me to meet girls IRL.

• Getting out of the house. During wfh there were days I’d barely leave the house. Getting a minimal amount of fresh air, sunlight. One of the best things I’ve done recently is start going to the office every day. Even if I don’t stay the entire day it’s good to have that routine and to get out of the house.

  • I continue to go to the office every day but I’m getting a little tired of it. Especially on Fridays when the office is nearly empty. I should really invite a friend or two to work with me on Fridays.

• Improv. I’d wanted to get back into acting for the past few years.

• Music. My routine is to get an hour in before work every day.

  • Slipped on this and started waking around 930/10. Going to get back into this for the upcoming week.

Soul

By soul I mean community. It’s not exactly 1:1 but mind/body/soul sounds catchier :)

• Joined a church

• Joined volleyball league

• Started improv classes and got more involved in that community

That’s mostly everything.

I feel good. I know there’s more I can do / more that I’m capable of and I look forward to those days too. I’m reassured by the fact that doing good things for yourself leads to greater happiness. That happiness is not an ephemeral, uncontrollable thing—it’s a thing that can be earned.

Some things I look forward to

• Being a better community maker. So far I’ve participated in communities but I also want to help build one

• Hitting my peak physical form :)

• Going on more dates and eventually falling in love <3

• Finally finishing / releasing my next album

Despite setbacks I still feel good about things. I wonder if I’m a little burnt out by work. Work’s been increasingly stressful and that stress has affected other parts of my life too. But I think I’m getting used to the load.

I was oncall a couple weeks back and that destroyed me a bit. I hate that work can have such a large effect on life but what can you do 🤷🏻‍♂️

At least it’s just a temporary thing.

I’m writing from the Barnes & Noble in Ventura. Back home in socal for the week. I’m trying to see family at least once a quarter. Took the week off to do a staycation and so far it’s been very fun/relaxing.

Got KBBQ at Gen with the fam on arrival. Went to a wine tasting in Ojai (great drive but would not go to Ojai Vineyard again). Played a ton of Deep Rock Galactic (more than 10 hours in the three days since I got it). And had a picture perfect day biking in Santa Barbara (the most beautiful Californian city IMO). The drive back coincided with the fog lifting after heavy rain and it felt like we were going through the jungle.

The week ahead is vast and mostly empty. Planning on what I’ll do each day. I thought I’d use this time to get some recording done for the upcoming album but I’ve been pretty lazy so far. Is this what retirement feels like? I’m so used to doing something. The empty schedule is a new and unsettling feeling. I guess a more evolved version of myself would happily accept this empty time but I’m not there yet. Too addicted to scrolling and filling every moment with novelty. Definitely something to work on (is scrolling our generation’s version of smoking cigarettes?) but I’m going on a tangent here.

It’s been a long time since I wrote on this blog. I’ve always been disappointed when I stumble on someone’s blog and they haven’t posted in years so I’m trying to avoid that here.

I once spoke to a friend who said that he never writes down his thoughts, never reflects on what’s going on around him. He just lives his life.

At that time I thought that was a crazy thing to say but now I understand it a bit more. I don’t think I’ll ever fully turn my brain off and stop processing life as it happens but there’s comfort in doing that from time to time. To live that way is to live fully in the present. There’s no reflection of the past. No planning for the future. Just pure present. Maybe that’s a bit of a stretch but the idea holds.

Musical Improv / Fitness / Work

In the past month since I last wrote I’ve been focused mostly on wrapping up musical improv, getting fitter, and work.

Musical improv went great. I was far more nervous about this show than shows past. The practice schedule was tiresome (three hours of practice after a long day in office) and I felt like I never had the energy to do as well as I could have. But the show went great!

I’m absolutely glad I tried it and I’m absolutely glad it’s over. There’s a second class in the Fall and I’m debating whether I’ll take it or not.

I’ve been slowly but surely hitting my fitness goals as well. The biggest change is I started tracking calories again. It’s a light pain in the ass but I love being able to eat without too many restrictions. Just budget out and account for bigger, unhealthier moments by eating healthier early in the day.

The family was surprised by how much fitter I looked so I’m glad the plan is working so far.

I continue to workout 3-4 times a week. Trying to push the weights more instead of taking it easy on lift days. Also trying to improve conditioning by going boxing.

Work’s going well. It’s never a big focus for me but I can’t deny it’s a huge part of life. I’m grateful that it’s not too difficult, I get to work with good people and I make a great salary off it. I feel more or less adjusted to the new team and aligned with what we have to do. We have a tight deadline but I’m glad there’s a goal in place.

Other Memorable Events

• Wagyu KBBQ at Hyun with Will and Kelvin

  • A5 Wagyu all you can eat. Fasted the entire day before besides a single carne asada taco. Pretty pricy at ~250 but they served up one of the best naengmyeon I’ve had in my life

  • Would go again for a special occasion. This time around we went to celebrate Kelvin’s bday.

• Joe Hisaishi Candelight concert with Will, Kelvin and Millie

  • Not something I’d normally do but it was cool.

  • Some beaaaautiful melodies

• A couple bday parties

  • David, Mehak, William, Kelvin

  • At David and Mehak’s parties I went alone and did not know a single person. Had a lot of fun though. I think improv has made me more sociable and I usually have something witty or clever to say even in a group of strangers.

• Northeast road trip with Harry

  • Went to Boston and Portland, Maine.

    • Boston was fun. We went to a ramen shop called Yume Wo Katare. The soup was souperb. Warm, filling, lightly acidic, fatty—everything you’d want on a cold Boston night. The wait was long but perhaps worth it. At the end everyone announced to the restaurant what their dream was. I said something embarrassing—”to win an Oscar.” My original dream was to “fall in love” but someone said that right before me and I didn’t want to copycat. I thought dreams should be lofty so I went with that but I wish I’d picked something closer to what I currently want.

  • Rode a boat in Portland. Besides that I wasn’t too impressed. Nearly every restaurant we went to in the downtown area had an hour + wait.

    • The whoopie pies we got here were absolutely delicious though

    • Lobster rolls were good too but nothing I’d go out of my way for

  • The car rental agency upgraded us to a red convertible Mustang so we rode around in style (with the top down in <50 degree weather)

• Caught up with Will T, Ray and Ben at Jon & Vinny’s Slauson.

  • I hadn’t seen Will since 2021. So glad I got to catch up with him. I’d last seen Ray on our trip to Budapest together. Had a lot of fun. Great to reconnect with old college friends.

  • Ray has officially moved to LA.

  • Jon & Vinny’s was delicious. I don’t know if it was the neighborhood but the clientele was very racially diverse. Lots more Asian people than I expected. Also might be an LA thing but everyone seemed well dressed and fit.

  • One odd thing—they served a soft serve ice cream at $8.50. The soft serve was one of the smallest cups I’d eaten in my life. As I dug into it I wondered if this is why everyone in LA is so attractive. The portions are so minuscule it’s hard to gain weight.

NY / LA

I’ve been in NY for the past four years. I left SF to live in a place with more diversity and be able to focus on doing more art related things (music, acting).

My first year was stressful and focused mostly on work. I had a terrible boss and felt completely, constantly stressed.

My second year was impacted by the pandemic.

My third year I wanted to digital nomad and spent my time across NY, CA and some random locations in between.

Only in my fourth year have I felt settled in and invested in those original goals I had when I moved.

Pandemic aside, that’s a long time to get around to doing something. I’m glad I got there though. This past year of doing choir, improv, musical improv have felt enriching and well worth the time/effort.

During the pandemic 2021-23 there was a wave of people moving from the bay (lots of Berkeley people) to NY. During this time many of my existing friends in NY also left the city.

Every time I come back to Socal I wonder what my life would be like here. I think I’d be pretty happy here. Spending time with the family—being able to see them multiple times a month instead of once a quarter would be amazing. Dating more—still a focus now too tbh. Continuing to do music, acting stuff. Exploring a new city. Hopefully digging in and settling down for an extended period of time (I’d love to have a home base and do a week or two remote in random cities every quarter).

LA also has a much healthier lifestyle than NY. I can’t handle the late nights, the heavy drinking. I’m also getting a little tired of the crowds.

If / when I end up moving here I hope I don’t take toooooo long to get around to the things I set out to do.

Winter is not as cold (literally and metaphorically) as I expected, I am coming into my own at musical improv (or at least trying my absolute best), work has settled down, and we are no longer dating.

I am content.

I’ve continued going to boxing. My endurance is improving and I feel stronger day by day. I’ve started going to church more often.

My friendships are good. In the past I may have erred in not being fully present with other people but lately I’m trying to be as present as possible.

I could be better in my sleep habits. I could be more consistent in producing music and finally finsih my next project. I miss my family.

But besides that I have no real complaints.

For the first time in a while every week feels like an iteration where I have the opportunity to do/be better. In other words, life does not seem stagnant.

Memorable Moments Since I Last Wrote

There’s a lot to catch up on.

• Went to Atoboy with Will and Kelvin. One of the best meals I’ve had in recent memory. A fresh, updated spin on modern Korean food. Their soju cocktail was one of the best alcoholic drinks I’ve had in a while

• Went to Cote with Kristy, Tim and Linda. I’d been wanting to go for a while and it was worth the wait. Meat was pretty good but the sides pushed the meal over the edge. Unlimited refills on kimchijigae and other sides made the meal very filling. The soft serve ice cream with sweet soy sauce syrup at the end was memorable as well

• Hung out a lot with Aastha. Various restaurants, exploring new parts of Queens. We also watched Immortal Jellyfish Girl—a puppet show set in a dystopian future. Pretty fresh, creative.

• Lots and lots of improv. Watching it, participating. As someone who—in recent years—has become far too reflective and analytic, improv has been a great counterweight to all that overthinking. You either act in the moment or lose it forever.

• Apollo visited and we watched Kimberly Akimbo, a musical about a high schooler who has an advanced aging disease that makes her look like a grandma. First half was delightful. Second half was ok. The story was creative, interesting. Also had All'Antico Vinaio an Italian sandwich spot I’d had on my list for weeks. Pretty delicious. Expensive but big portions.

• Went out with Will’s friends and played 1000 Boxes. Very fun live action Jackbox like game show. Went on a pizza tour afterwards.

Most of my updates are food related huh. The people matter too. Would not have eaten as much food if it weren’t for the people.

Winter 2023 Schedule

Here’s another schedule post because I love reading back to past entries detailing my schedule.

On an ideal day

• 8:30am - out of bed and taking a twenty minute roundtrip walk where I clear my head and prep for a session of writing / producing music

• 9-10:30am - back at the apartment either writing at my piano or producing at my desk

• 10:30am - 6/7pm - work

• 11pm - wind down and prep for sleep

Variances to that schedule

• Monday - Boxing @ 7:15pm

  • One of the best decisions I made this month. With each punch I feel closer to my peak physical form

• Tuesday - Work from the office and Musical Improv from 7pm - 10pm

  • Holy shit this schedule can be hard. Being in office the entire day and class afterwards can be a big drain on energy. Since starting boxing on Mondays I feel more energetic though

• Saturday - Boxing @ 10:15am

Still rounding out my weekly schedule but I may start playing trivia with some friends on Wednesday if that becomes a regular thing.

Daily Rituals

I’ve been reading Daily Rituals by Mason Currey where the author profiles different historical figures and how they structured their schedules. An interesting read where some patterns arise

• A lot of people had concentrated periods of focused work. Instead of working long hours they’d focus on getting their creative efforts out in 2-3 hours

• A lot of writers would track their word count. Trying to hit n words per session.

  • I wonder how songwriters would track their productivity

• A lot of angst/doubt. A surprising number of the greats working with insecurity and forcing their way through that.

• Some weird successful people. So far in the book two different very successful writers could only write in a horizontal position.

Here are some random highlights so far:

Writing on a post workout high.

Just went to the boxing class at Aneva and exerted my body in ways I haven’t in years.

It made me feel young again. The realization that although I’d been a lazy piece of shit in recent years, the sands of youth were still in the upper half of the hourglass and I still had time to move as a young man.

WHAT A FEELING!

Every week it feels like I forget more and more how bright and exciting the world used to be. Days like these make me realize that I am a fool if I let that feeling go too early.

Quick recap of the week

• Work’s lowkey kicking my ass. New year, new team and I lost some hard earned context. In the process of rebuilding that context which is painful.

  • I really need to figure out my work schedule. Played around with booking wework on days that I don’t go to the office. Went today and I was still super distracted.

  • Is it just that it was the Monday blues or is it more of a fundamental schedule thing? I’d guess that it’s more of a schedule thing

• Speaking of schedules—I am intrigued with how people spend their time. Started reading Daily Rituals by Mason Currey where the author examines the day to day life of historical figures. Interesting so far.

  • An interesting figure so far—Francis Bacon. Would wake up at the first light and work for hours until around noon. Immediately after he’d start drinking and start a long night of partying with friends. He’d try to stretch out the night to avoid his sleep issues (he had insomnia and would take pills to fall asleep).

    • “I often like working with a hangover because my mind is crackling with energy and I can think very clearly”—wtf

• On a desperately free Saturday afternoon I went to the 5th ave library to get a sick new Spider Man library card.

• Went on a few dates! Had a lot of fun. We had dinner at Nepali Bhanchha Ghar where I had Nepalese food for perhaps the second time in my life. I entered that date on Friday considerably stressed from the long work week before but two hours went by so quickly and I felt lifted afterwards—that’s a great sign, right? Stopped by Patel Brothers in Jackson Heights afterwards to pick up some snacks. I got a delicious haul. This one in particular was wickedly addictive and I’ve almost finished the bag in a span of a couple days. Tangy, crispy fried potato sticks with little surprises of raisins sprinkled through—texturally balanced by the cashews and almonds spread in the mix too.

• Went to church again with Millie! I think I’ll go consistently. I like singing the songs and letting the message wash over me as I drift in and out of focus. The pastor’s funny too. I think he’s Korean.

Gonna make this reaaaal quick because I’m in a bit of a rush to leave the house.

I am fully BACK in NYC. The trials, tribulations and potential glory of living in this city.

The grind baby. The GRIND.

Tough transition but I feel good. I have already gotten my ass kicked since coming back but I am ready to get up again.

I’ve run my mouth around friends about moving back to LA. Someone asked me recently what criteria I looked for in the place I live. I responded that I wanted to be in a place where I could grow the most.

In this exact moment I think that place is NYC not LA.

It’s high stakes here. The highest highs, the lowest lows. Someday this city may burn me out but until that day comes I want to be the kind of person that can weather the storm and chase after my stupid lil dreams.

Only after I feel like I’ve thrown every morsel of myself into this insatiable dream—when all my resources are exhausted and the only recourse left is D E S P A I R—can I allow myself to admit defeat and run away.

I will try my best so that day never comes.

I’ve lived so much of my life in comfort. Comfortable school. Comfortable college. Comfortable job.

Nothing wrong with comfort. But most growth comes by discomfort and pain. The forest grows back stronger after a brush fire.

NYC is a place of discomfort. As I am wont to do I try my very best to avoid discomfort when I should attempt to do the opposite.

I will only grow in this place if I make it easier to do the uncomfortable.

In the last week:

• Had a great time at Gomo’s house in Palisades Park. Home away from home. Nice to have family in the area. Had a pleasantly suburban weekend there. Went to the American Dream mall—biggest, most opulent mall I’ve been to in America—and wandered the shops.

• Started my musical improv class. As I suspected, the combination of acting and singing was pretty fun. This is my third improv class so far. The beginning is always uncomfortable and fun. Sizing up everyone else in the class. Seeing how you compare and figuring out how you can stand out.

  • I’ve wondered a few times if I’m too competitive here. Maybe it’s better to compete with myself vs externally. But each scene consists of 7-8 people and there are only 3-5 opportunities to sing a solo part. I don’t wanna be stuck in just the chorus. My background dance skills are shit anyways.

The floor is mostly empty. There’s a girl sitting across the floor from me. Asian, wearing Bose headphones.

For the past minute she’s been picking her nose. Aggressively. Like a miner digging for gold.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone pick their nose so aggressively in public.

Every now and then she glances around (I’ve been spacing and out only occasionally looking in her direction) and lowers her hand below the table. Once her hand is under she brushes the booger off her fingers… Absolute pro.

A NU START

I’m back in NYC after three weeks(!) in California.

It feels like a new chapter

• I’m on a new team at work. I’ve never been an overly career-oriented person but I want to hit the ground running and not get too lost

• The activities I did last year have ended. I’m a little concerned I won’t have enough to do during the week and get bored. On the other hand I have nothing I particularly want to do besides going to more open mics and trying to finish my next album.

  • I have one more class of jazz piano.

  • No more improv II

  • Starting musical improv soon

I can’t place exactly why I feel this but it feels like a transitory time. I think Aastha (very into horoscopes) mentioned something similar.

I don’t have a big plan in place but I want to stay on track and not lose myself. I am somewhat concerned that transitioning back to NY life I might fall back into habits I don’t want (e.g. bingeing on TV, staying up way too late, eating shitty) but I have a plan for that.

Life Report Card

I finally finished Atomic Habits and in a spurt of motivation decided to revamp my life. The following is a work in progress project to help me do that.

Some intermeshed ideas

1. My current life philosophy is that it’s every person’s God given mandate to reach their fullest potential.

   • It’s not the best answer to life but it’s working for me currently

   • I’ve regretted wasting so much time wasting my potential. This is the year it stops

2. If I choose the right habits I can reach my fullest potential

3. Spurts of motivation don’t last forever. I need a system to track this consistently. Preferably automated so there’s as little human input as necessary.

Objective
Build a report card and automation that helps me stay on top of my habits and not forget.

Previous Works
I’ve tried similar efforts in the past (e.g. wydbot) but they waned over time. Likely because these past projects required manual input. Unless it’s automated you will forget.

How it works
Again note this is a WIP. More changes coming.

I rely on Habitify to track habits. Working on automating the habit tracking but I also require some manual input here.

I set up a group with Harry so every time either of us accomplish a habit we get an automated message with

1. how much progress we’ve made overall

2. how much money we’ve earned. We’re able to earn up to $25 a week. So if we hit 100% of our habits for the week we’d get 25%.

   1. At the end of each week whoever’s earned less pays the other the remainder

Each week we also get a report card sent to our emails that’ll tell us how we did for the current week (and past weeks). A good visualizer for how on track you are for each habit over the year.

How I built it
Not going into the deep specifics but I built this using

• Lambda

• Habitify API,

• Airtable

  • using it as the database

• Pandas

  • used to generate report card

Why it works
Time will tell if this system actually works. Here are the reasons why I think it will

• Social pressure to succeed

  • Since I’m competing against my brother I don’t want to give up too much money

  • Also being alongside someone who’s trying to succeed is a motivator

• Automations make it seamless

  • If I rely on manual willpower to track everything I’ll forget over time

• The pride of improvement

  • By EoY I wanna see row after row of A’s. Just like my school days a reminder of how well I’m doing and what I should be striving for

  • I’ve lamented the loss of structure post graduation. The first few years after college was a process of getting lost and trying to find structure. A tool like this should help.

A Time and Place

More self improvement thoughts…

Got a Wework membership. I love my apt but I hate doing everything in this studio apartment.

There has to be a time and place for everything.

I also rearranged my apartment so I have dedicated places for every activity. I used to do everything on my sofa. Eat, work, watch tv, etc.

But now I just relax there.

Desk is for work. Put my piano on a stand next to the closet to have a music zone.

Feels pretty good.

California Winter

Forgot to write about my winter break so here’s a recap:

• The family’s original plans to meet up in Oregon for break were cancelled because of the winter storm. Ended up staying with Gomo’s house in Jersey. Got to hang with the cousins and even went out to a pocha with Dove and her friends on Christmas.

• Got to California the day after Christmas. Did a family road trip

• Ended up in San Diego. A big highlight in San Diego was getting one of the best california burritos of my life at Colima's Mexican Food

• On the way back to Oxnard we swung by Garden Grove. Was astounded by how Vietnamese this city was. Never seen a thing like this in America before.

• Saw old friends. Caught up with Yang, Glo and ToAnnie. Yang and Glo are pretty much the same. Tony and Annie bought a new place in LA and live there with their dog. Domestic bliss.

• Had several dinner guests over this time around. Minh (dad’s coworker) came by to celebrate the Christmas season since his family was across the country. Mom’s friends came over for dinner which was interesting because they’d grown up in America and spoke better English than Korean.

Overall had a super comfortable time in California. Loved being home with family. If LA had better public transit I’d move in a heartbeat.

Due to being at home with family, a crippling new addiction to Dead Cells, and a rekindled desire/habit of producing music again, I’ve put off my EoY reflections but the time has come.

Recap 2022

Here’s a recap of how my last year went

• Oxnard

  • I started off the year in Oxnard. At the beginning of the year I debated whether to return to New York or buckle down in Oxnard. In the end I buckled down and finished the four songs I had planned on releasing.

  • During this time Andrew also came to visit and we explored LA and went shopping at the Camarillo outlets

  • In addition to producing music I spent the rest of my time cooking learning new recipes.

• Portland / Seattle

  • Before I made my way back to NY I decided to explore the PNW. I flew into Portland for the first time and explored the city with Andrew while we WFH. Visited Seattle in the same trip

  • I’m glad I explored a new American city. I often overlook how much there is to explore in my own country

• NYC

  • After bumming around a home a few more days I decided to go back to NY. I felt restless. I also felt stagnant and I wanted to live alone again and focus on producing more music (that didn’t happen 🥲)

  • This time was an adjustment period. I lived in an old roachy Airbnb in Bed Stuy and spent a lot of time escaping by going to the office.

  • I hit up old friends and started playing volleyball again.

  • Juwon also visited from Korea

• DC to Mexico City

  • Visited Harry in DC with Juwon.

  • Immediately after I flew out to Mexico City to explore with Andrew and Apollo.

    • Mexico City was one of the best new cities I visited in the past few years. Would absolutely go again

• Queens

  • On coming back to the city I finally got a sublet in LIC.

    • I thought it’d be beneficial for my social life and I’d end up hosting more often but that didn’t happen. My place was far too small.

    • A huge motivation here was to establish a home base and start building a life again (instead of floating around in random Airbnbs). That was a good move on my part and I’m glad I did it. I don’t think I’m cut out for the nomad floater lifestyle. I want to feel more grounded

  • That first few weeks back felt pretty mundane. I think I slumped into a rut and started dreaming of an escape.

  • During this time I also joined a choir. I wanted to meet more people and get better at singing.

    • The end of choir was an inflection point for me. I felt so disappointed and regretful about not trying my best here. I flopped like a fish and wished I could have done better.

  • This period was a low point during the year. I kept looking for an escape and debated moving to London for a fresh start.

    • In the end I decided this was probably just an escape. Instead of wishing for a new life elsewhere I resolved to improve my life in NY—absolutely the right move in hindsight.

• Korea

  • Korea came at the perfect time. Time with family was exactly what I needed after feeling lonely and lost in NY.

• New York

  • I did a lot and thought a lot in Korea. I came back to NY in the height of summer feeling like a new man.

  • I resolved to do two things

    • Not leave my life to chance—stop floating around hoping for a good life to happen to me

    • Push myself to try my best in every situation

      • The thought that every moment was fleeting. If I didn’t try my best in the present I’d only regret it when the moment passed

  • In a burst of motivation I joined a bunch of activities

    • took a sewing class

      • I learned how to sew but it was a bust because I didn’t really enjoy the act of sewing. I joined because I wanted to meet more girls but I left with a pair of unfinished pants instead

    • started an improv class

    • started learning jazz piano

  • I’m glad I did all these things. Things I’d wanted to do for a while that I’d put off by fear or lack of motivation

    • Probably the most fruitful thing I’d done in years.

• Work

  • I don’t like focusing on work too much but it’s worth mentioning. About halfway through the year my old favorite boss left the company and the team collapsed in the wake of her departure.

  • I didn’t think it’d matter too much and chugged along per usual but my morale fell over time.

  • Only recently did I decide to make a change and switch teams. I wish I’d done that earlier.

  • I’ve habitually under estimated how important work life is to my happiness so this is a blind spot for me.

• Budapest / London

  • Met up with Ray in Budapest. Unexpectedly great trip.

  • It was fun exploring a new city and though I hadn’t traveled with Ray before that was pretty fun too. Budapest was such a beautiful and relatively cheap country. Wouldn’t go again in a while (felt like I did most of what I wanted to do) but I’m so glad I went

  • Met up with other old friends in London

    • Hanging out with Sherry was super fun per usual

    • Got to see Rupert for a quick lunch

    • Hung out with Mimi too

  • London was great but I probably won’t go again for a while (or at least stay fewer days next time).

• New York

  • Continued jazz piano and improv. Nothing too eventful during this period. Just chugging along

  • Chai and Kristy visited. First time seeing Kristy since pre pandemic.

• DC

  • went to DC to help Harry move

• New York / Oxnard / Holidays

  • TBH nothing super eventful here either… Just sense of overall contentment in life. I felt like I had a good social circle and that I was happy with the activities I was doing.

  • I celebrated my birthday in NY and also had my second improv show

2022 Misses

I wrote some thoughts on what I wanted out of 2022.

Not a lengthy list.

• Release music (5 songs)

• Lose weight (hit 160 pounds)

First, I wish I’d been more concrete about what I wanted beyond just weight and music.

Second, I didn’t hit these goals :(

I released 4 songs.

I didn’t hit 160 (I think my lowest was 170).

Music wise—I never got into the rhythm of making music living alone. I found it best to focus while I was at home in Oxnard. I think the best thing this year would be to set deadlines for myself.

Weight wise—I ate a ton of junk food this year. Got especially drunk over the summer. The biggest issue is figuring out my diet. Something that works for me. Lately I’ve been doing Intermittent Fasting. Hoping that this, along with working out consistently, will help.

This year I got a trainer and I feel more confident about my workout regiment.

2022 Takeaways

Takeaways from this year

• Timeline everything.

  • If you want to finish anything you have to set deadlines/timelines for yourself. I’m only able to finish making songs when I have a timeline in mind.

• Don’t wait for life to happen. Make your own moves

  • I had some great moments this year and they were only possible because I took initiative. Nothing great happened to me by chance.

• If you fear something it’s probably worth confronting

  • Some of the best things I did this year were things I’d somewhat dreaded before.

  • When I actually confronted / did these things I felt like I’d wasted so much time hesitating

• Happiness is logistics

  • A lot of my happiness was driven by habits / planning. A portion of this year felt pretty dumpy but things improved a lot when I made some logistical changes

    • e.g. getting out the house / seeing someone socially at least once a day

  • I guess this one’s kind of obvious but it’s important to remember. Happiness is not an ethereal, ungraspable thing. It’s something that you can plan for

What’s Next

• Consolidate

  • Last year was a year of exploration. This year I want to build something more concrete. I want to feel like I’m building towards something. Instead of just messing around randomly, planning for something greater.

    • E.g. I’m doing improv but what’s it going towards?

    • Explore vs exploit if I want to CS it.

• Compete

  • I grew the most during periods where I competed with others in things I cared about.

    • e.g. acting classes in Berkeley, improv this past year

  • The chance to learn from and beat others is important.

  • I want to seek ways to compete more this year. As an adult the biggest competition grounds is work but there aren’t many opportunities beyond that.

Other concrete goals

• Finish my second album (I have a list of 4 songs I want to finish)

• Get promoted at work

• Date more seriously. I know it’s vague but I don’t want to force anything.

  • Better phrased—date more deliberately. Have a plan instead of waiting for the right person to come along.

• Figure out where I want to live long term.

  • A general thought lately—I’m enjoying living in NY but it doesn’t feel like I’m building towards anything. Maybe it’s because I’m renting and moving year after year. I want to decide where I’ll build my life for the next 3-5 years.

Lower priority goals

• Style myself better

  • I want to dress better and groom myself better.

• Audition

  • I’ve had a nebulous goal of auditioning for roles that I never did. Still a lot of unknowns but I want to give it a try or just stop daydreaming about it.

It’s been an eventful week.

birfday

It was my birthday this past week. I am now 28. I may have feared 30 in the past but I do not care anymore. Perhaps I will care once 29 rears its head.

This was a good year.

Especially this past year I went from being unhappy to pretty satisfied. Some thoughts as to why

• I started taking more risks in a good way. Earlier this year there were definitely things/people I wanted that I avoided because of fear. I’d make up some bullshit excuse or pretend I didn’t want it in the first place. My achilles heel is feigned apathy. But I worked through that this year and feel good.

• Settled down. I remember contemplating being a nomad earlier this year. I bounced around from Airbnb to Airbnb and didn’t have a base until maybe mid year. How do you build a life if you’re jumping around all over the place?

• Friends. At this point I feel like I have a solid group of friends in NY. People I trust a lot and enjoy hanging out with. Feels like a solid life line in this cold city

• Family is a given

Now that I’m solidly in my late 20s I want to build more. College is where you expose yourself to the ideas of the world. Early/mid twenties are when you venture into the world and adjust to COLD HARD REALITY. Late twenties are when you solidify what you want out of life and start executing.

I will admit that I don’t have a very very very solid vision of what I want out of life but I know generally where I want to go/what I want to do so I’ll keep doing that with courage and gusto.

Some potential blind spots going forward

• APATHY.

• Bad habits. I want to

  • Cut down on drinking.

  • Live healthier.

  • Sleep consistently.

  • Avoid digital bingeing.

Anyways birthday night was fun. We got hotpot at 99 Favor Taste. This was the very first hotpot place I went to in NYC all the way back in 2019. I’m pretty sure I went with Kristy and Nora back then.

Decided to mix and mingle all the different pockets of friends. I’ve slowly but surely integrated different pockets of friends which each other but there were still a number of people who were strangers with each other.

If I’m perfectly honest dinner felt a little awkward. I think it’s because some friends were strangers to each other or perhaps because—as I feared—some friends simply don’t click. Oil and water…

But afterwards we went to Radio Star Karaoke—my favorite karaoke place in NY and perhaps the world?!?!?—got drunk and had a pretty fun time.

We ended the night by singing Fun’s We are Young and I think I still feel pretty young tbh. Feel good. Feel fresh. Feel energetic.

Improv II

Had my second improv show!

Went well overall. Doing musical improv next. Having a lot of fun but I’m not sure what the end goal is here. Is it to audition for a house team and do weekly shows? Is it to update my acting resume and start auditioning for roles? Is it to meet other actor/artists and make stuff with them? Not sure yet…

But I think it’s good for me. Helps me bias for action instead of thinking too much.

In Other News

• had the office holiday party. ran out of food in the middle. I appreciate the effort but wow are budget cuts tight this year…

  • went to K Town Pocha with the team afterwards.

• went to Gomo’s house. First time back to the house since last Thanksgiving! Crazy long. We had a delicious dinner of korean bbq pork, ganjang gaejang and lil korean pancakes. The following day I got JjamJja at Hong Banjang… best jajangmyun I’ve had in a while.

• nothing else I can remember.

Writing from the Paris Baguette in LIC. After a few hours of playing Spelunky 2 with Harry I felt like I had to get out of the house. This is the first time I’m chilling at a cafe after work hours. I am the only customer here (besides a homeless man who left earlier).

I’ve been pretty out of it all day. Woke up pretty late. Felt very unfocused during work.

I had a great night last night. Met up with Will, Aastha and Millie at Katsu Hama. Walked through miserable, cold rain to get to the restaurant. Ordered a hearty, delicious bowl of katsu curry and had a pretty fun conversation with everyone.

I’ve known Will for years, Millie for almost a year and Aastha for a few months. This was the first time just the four of us had hung out together. But it felt pretty natural.

After dinner we walked over to the giant Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. Saw the new storefront displays, watched some people ice skating, and took multiple photos together (Millie scolded me many times for messing up my poses). We ended up at the Apple Store near Central Park (open 24 hours!) and messed around for a bit before trudging home. Last night happened to be the first snow of the winter which was pretty cool.

Juxtaposing that with today—cold/groggy in the morning, slightly lonely, with a pile of undone tasks ahead of me—I think I was just out of it.

Oh well.

Energy

Besides today, I felt pretty energetic this past week.

I think it’s a combination of

• intermittent fasting

  • Eating from 12-8. I’ve fasted/dieted before and it reminds me of how much I usually ingest when I’m not being mindful. Crazy how that can be the norm.

  • I feel pretty good about this diet and can stick with it for an extended period.

• drinking coffee later in the day (around 11 or 12)

  • May be complete placebo effect/psuedoscience but I saw an IG reel of a neurologist explaining that delaying caffeine intake allows your sleep hormone receptors to bind with the sleep hormones completely so the caffeine gives you straight energy

  • ^^ pretty sure I butchered the explanation but I definitely felt more energetic

• sleeping with nasal strips

  • makes me feel a little old having to use them but they feel like a godsend. I can actually breathe out of my nostrils and it feels like night and day

  • I’ve been sleeping better and waking up less often.

Other schedule changes:

• I got into a good cadence of practicing piano in the mornings and writing music in the evenings when I got home (10-11:30 PM and sleeping around 1).

I’m still fine tuning my schedule but it feels good overall.

Going forward I’ll probably start going to the office Mondays (to avoid feeling home alone after a packed weekend).

Also would like to carve out more dedicated time to exercise. I’m still going at least twice a week and doing my trainer-prescribed workout routine but I’ve been slipping a bit on other days.

Between planning my birthday, planning my team switch, and coordinating things to do, I felt pretty busy this week.

Some notable events

• Went to trivia for the first time with Kelvin, Will and Kinjal! Not usually a fan of trivia but this one felt pretty fun. We placed 7th out of 9 teams but I was pleasantly surprised by how much we knew. Kelvin had most of the sports knowledge, Kinjal had some reality TV knowledge, Will seemed to have a random assortment of facts in his brain (several Slumdog Millionaire like moments where he answered questions no one expected him to answer) and I had some music/TV knowledge.

• Went to the Asian ERG holiday event at Baodega. The food was ok. Met a few new people and hung out with some of my new teammates (as well as my old teammates)

• Got dinner with Will, Kelvin, Nainaka, and Kaagni at Piggyback. Delicious food. Honey butter chicken was a standout. I think we also ordered lamb which was super tender and well seasoned.

• Went to a Burlesque show at The Slipper Room. Imagine a strip club where the strippers also put on a talent show. Pay $25 to get in and you can stay for as many shows as you like. The performances were creative and the performers were extremely talented.

  • One woman in the show was the US Pole Dancing champion and she had amazing moves.

  • Another woman was a performance artist who incorporated interesting props into her act. A nuanced performance full of emotion and symbolism.

  • There was a dude doing yo yo tricks. Literally just on stage performing yo yo tricks wearing a very deep V neck. He didn’t get that many tips lol

• Watched the Nutcracker! There’s a scene where some children are fighting mice. Beautiful dreamlike sequence. The second act was too long for me. I need more of a narrative. Can’t handle just pure dancing without a story.

• Met up with Tiffany (new friend of a friend I made recently). Got coffee, walked from Astoria to LIC and got lunch at Murray’s Cheese Bar.

But I have emerged from that sad sack cocoon and feel back to normal. Back on the sleep schedule, back to the office, back to the regular routine.

To Do or Not To Do

Side note—how do you get better at making life decisions? It’s been a while since I had to make a large life decision but I very recently today had to pull the trigger on something (whether or not I want to switch teams at work).

After several back and forths I landed on yes.

I think the key for me is:

• Do the proper due diligence

• Don’t let fear of change keep me in place

That’s about it. When in doubt, just do the due diligence and pull the trigger if things feel right. I want to be the kind of person that can place bets on my future and deal with the consequences instead of waiting until it’s too late.

Lately I’ve been someone who comes up with reasons not to do something. A somewhat recent example is being in Mexico City and debating whether to go on a date my last night there.

I demurred. It’s late. My flight’s early in the morning. It’s probably better to sleep earlier and wake up in time for the flight.

But a little later Justin texted and I asked him for advice and he convinced me to just go for it. I went and had a great time.

None of my potential worries ended up being real issues.

I do this way too often and I want to change it. I wonder if the whole yes and philosophy of improv is rubbing off on me.

TLDR: I am risk averse and probably shouldn’t worry as much.

In the not too long time span since I’ve been back I did the following

• Proud of myself for making it out to improv my first day back. Debated whether to go but finally landed on yes. Was sleepy af but I held it together and did a decent scene after all

• Went to an open mic with Raj and Navdeep. With this too(!) I debated a bit whether to go or not. Would I be ready in time? Would my lyrics hit? But I pulled the trigger anyways. I somewhat bombed (forgot the lyrics midway and tried to freestyle my way out of it) BUT I am so glad I went.

  • Will try to go to one open mic per night

I want to be a TRY HARD. No waiting. No debating. Just declaring I want something and going for it.

Though I doubt many of my moves, one day I will live life like a fish swims through water. No resistance. No second guessing. Just free ~~~~ f l o w ~~~~.

In other news

• Got Ethiopian with Will and Kelvin (aka Wellvin) at Haile. Delicious food—the Doro Wot and the Lamb (I think that’s what it was) were stand outs. We got the tartare but I’d skip that next time. The spices got to me and I ended up on the toilet afterwards BUT I’m glad I went

• Played around with open gpt and it’s really cool. I’ve had writers block with some songs so it’d be cool to fill in the gaps with this.

• Coworked with Aastha at Elevenses. We didn’t work much but it was fun catching up.

• Checked out a new cafe in LIC called Knock Knock. Good coffee, great aesthetics, a bathroom, wifi AND outlets!

I feel a lightness in my shoulders and it feels good.

I’ve felt pretty happy being home with the family the past few days. Daydreaming of what life would look like if I moved back. I don’t see that happening anytime soon but I can’t help but feel a little torn. A blissful life with family in California vs an exciting life with a good group of friends in NY.

If only there were a way to combine the two!! To migrate my family to the east coast or start over in LA.

The thought of starting over in LA reminds me of how much I invested in living in NY. For a time I felt lost. A number of my friends had left the city. I wasn’t doing much. I wondered why I was spending so much time and money staying in this place.

I debated whether I’d stay in NY or just nomad around but I’m glad I decided to stick through it.

If I were to start over in LA I think I have a decent playbook.

• Join some activities. I cycled through a number of them (volleyball, choir, sewing, improv, group piano classes) before i found the right fit. I’m sure I’ll iterate further

• Be very proactive about reaching out to people. Friendships are like fire in that they initially require a steady flow of oxygen to thrive. Once you put in that initial breathwork things should spark naturally. There’s a natural resistance to taking that initiative but most people want to be included and thought of and reached out to.

• Ideally go to the office a subset of the week. Having that anchor in place was much more important than I realized

Something to think about if I leave NY after all.

Fasting

Every time I’m in Oxnard I tend to binge. Food, TV, everything.

This time around I reigned it in a bit.

Did 16 / 8 fasting where I’d only have an 8 hour window to eat.

Feels great so far. Will keep it up back in NYC as well.

I’m debating whether to apply this to media as well. Maintain an 8 hour window where I get in all my TV and stop after that window’s over.

Fasting may be the key to everything. Having my cake and eating it too. If I’d been stricter with my media (and food) consumption earlier in life who knows where I’d be today?

Our entire society is geared towards consumption. Feels good to be taking back some power and reinvesting in self control.

I recently bought this timer lock box that you can use to lock away your devices for a period of time. Will report back next week on how my life feels different after using this.

Thanksgiving Week

I’ve been off work the last few days for Thanksgiving. This four day weekend flew by so quickly. Some highlights

• Day 1: Thanksgiving Day. Very low key. Just the four of us. Dad had COVID so he didn’t do much. Harry, Mom and I did the bulk of the cooking.

  • No turkey. Just Popeye’s chicken. I don’t like turkey (too big and dry) so I was glad.

  • Harry made Kale bread pudding. A bit heavy on the bread side but tasty for sopping up sauces

  • Mom made green bean casserole (seems like her favorite to make every year). With crispy bacon and onions as toppings this was an unhealthy but delicious addition to the table

  • I made a cheesy hasselback potato gratin. Not too much effort and it turned out delicious. Extremely crispy. Also made magnolia bakery’s banana pudding for dessert. Surprisingly delicious given the simplicity of the ingredients. Would make it again for future dinner parties

• Day 2: San Pedro Fish Market. We’ve gone here over the years. A fish market right by the harbor where they launch cruise ships into the ocean. I think this is a place we go to more for the memories than the taste. We got a stack of fried fish, shrimp, garlic bread, etc. Huge portions. Tasty enough but too far from home IMO.

• Day 3: Sunset at Ventura. Drove over to Ventura and walked the main street. Walked the pier and watched the sun go down.

• Day 4: Ojai. I wanted to plan something for the last day. Our family goes out but we seem to lack a formal itinerary so I wanted to have a clear schedule of what we’d do

  • Went to the Farmer’s Market first. Picked up some delicious strawberries (this area has the best strawberries—far better than supermarket types), heirloom tomatoes and a delicious bottle of fresh squeeze orange / mandarin juice.

  • Got some vegan Mexican food at Farmer and the Cook. Dad hated his dish. I thought the food was good but I don’t blame him. It was tasty in the sense that you knew everything you ate was healthy and locally grown but in terms of crowd pleasing, wide appealing flavors it seemed to be lacking.

  • Went to Ojai Olive Company to do some olive oil tasting. Well worth the trip. Situated in the hills on an olive farm, it was a calm and pleasant experience lounging around and sampling olive oil, balsamic vinegar. This place had the best flavored balsamic vinegars I’ve ever had. I particularly enjoyed the peach flavor.

• Nights were spent in our backyard. Mom recently built this stone fireplace that’s so comfortable to lounge around. We also set up a screen in the backyard and watched movies off the projector. Very very very very comfortable.

Almost every time I’ve left NY in the past year I left with a sense of relief. Each departure felt like a tactical retreat—an opportunity to lay low and muster energy to charge back into the city.

Not this time around.

Life in NYC has been good lately. I think it’s because I’ve achieved a sense of homeostasis.

I have a good job. Good friends. Good hobbies. Good routine. A good, simple, pleasant life.

But now that I have the foundation down I want to aim higher.

Amidst the comfort, a small voice raises dissent—

Is this it? Is it enough? Is it ok to stay in this comfortable place?

The answer is NO!

Habits (this time for real?)

Lately whenever I have down time I go straight for TV or my switch. Whenever I’m waiting for the train I reach for Twitter or Instagram.

I go for the convenient thing too frequently and it’s driving me crazy.

I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with the convenient thing. But when the convenient thing consistently becomes the substitute for the real thing it becomes a huge problem.

e.g.

• TV becomes a substitute for human interaction

• Junk food becomes the substitute for nutrition

• Porn becomes the substitute for romance

• Twitter becomes the substitute for thinking thoughts of your own

And so on.

I’ve tried going cold turkey and living a spartan lifestyle (cutting out all TV, Twitter, Reddit, etc.) but that doesn’t feel sustainable. Some event comes along (going on vacation, hosting a guest, etc.) and the pent up demand leads me to binge like crazy.

I think the move here is to be ON during the week (Mon-Thurs) and OFF during the weekend (Friday-Sun).

Be pretty strict and keep a healthy state of body, mind during the week but let myself indulge on the weekends.

During my ON periods I’ll have more time on my hands. I want to use this time to

• read more

• workout more

• produce music more

Seems like a good plan. Will report back after some time.

Overall it was a chill week.

• When I first moved to NY, Harry came along to keep me company. One of the first things we did was watch Mike Birbiglia’s show on Broadway—The New One. Harry visited NY this week. This time around we followed that tradition and watched his new show—The Old Man and the Pool.

  • The new show was not as good but traditions are traditions…

• Celebrated Helen’s birthday at Kelvin’s newly furnished apartment!

  • Feels like I’m at a turning point of sorts. Something about this event—being in my late 20s, celebrating someone’s late 20s, being in my friend’s newly purchased apartment—felt much more Adult to me. The big leagues. We don’t drink cheap beer any more. We drink nice wine. We don’t play drinking games. We converse over the aforementioned wine. The start of the transition

    • To this point it’s so interesting to see different people acting at different ages. I have friends 2-4 years older and they still go hard, hit the clubs, hit the strip clubs, do much more degen things. Age does seem to be just a number.

• Caught up with Jess and some improv friends before she left the city. Post improv class we all hang out less but it’s good to catch up every now and then. The best factor for making lasting, closer friends seem to be proximity.

  • Somewhat related—All the people I hang out with consistently live within 20 minutes from me.

  • This year I explored making new friends by joining various activities (volleyball, improv, choir, sewing, jazz piano) and so far the only ones that I still see happen to live very close to me.

  • Chemistry + convenience + time = lasting friendship