Like many arguments in society, the pendulum swings one way during one period of time and then swings back the other direction. This is definitely true with this argument. Employment rates for women rose from 168,973 in 2001 to 184,080 in 2011.  It has not been a steady growth, however. Between 2001 and 2007 employment rates for women dropped 4%. And, while we don't have the data yet, experts are reporting that more and more women are choosing to return home and leave the professional work force.

The question has always been, can mothers really have it all without too high a cost to their families or do families suffer when mom is helping to bring home the bacon? The answer is yes. There are some families that make it work and work well, while there are other families who face some pretty tough consequences when both parents are working.

Here are some ideas to consider when deciding what is right for your family:

• You know your family better than anyone. You can't compare your situation to someone else's, even if on the outside they appear the same. Simply because your mom did it, or your best friend does it, doesn't mean you can do it (whatever IT is). You know what you and your family can handle.
• Consider the expense. For some moms, they've done the math and realized that by the time they pay for a work wardrobe, commuting expenses, and childcare, they actually are in a better place financially staying home. Be sure to count in lunch expenses, dry cleaning for your work clothes, and your time getting from home to work and back.
• Think about more than the monetary costs. What will your family be giving up if you are working? Even if you're bringing in more money, not being able to volunteer in your child's classroom for their Valentine Day party or missing out on piano recitals may be too high a price.
• Talk about the household chores. With mom being gone, the family will need to talk about the distribution of household responsibilities. Mom can't be expected to work  and still get done around the house what she was accomplishing when she was not working outside the home. If your children are old enough, assign them a few extra chores to help make sure nothing falls through the cracks at home during the week.
• Some moms need to work. There are some moms who need the intellectual stimulation of a career. While they love their children, being a stay-at-home mom wears on them. For these women, a part-time job may be just what the doctor ordered. A few days out of the house being mentally challenged by a job may be just what she needs to be able to be on her game when at home with the family.
• Don't try to be superwoman. If you decide that you want to work and have a family, be sure to communicate your needs for help when you start to feel overwhelmed. Even the most competent of professional women who are moms have times when they feel as if they aren't doing either part of their lives well. So, if you need to hire someone to come clean your house once in a while, do it! If your mother-in-law offers to take the kids for a Saturday so you can clean or get your mountain of laundry done, take her up on it!
• Make sure the time you are with your family is as much about quality as it is quantity. This goes for both moms who stay at home and moms who work outside the home. While at home, the laundry, dinner, dirty floors, and soap-scummy bathrooms call our names and we can get just as busy around the house and neglect our kids as if we weren't home at all. Our families need both quantity and quality time. A few hours of quality time a week is not a substitute for the quantity of time your family really needs. But, when you are with your family, make it count. Go deeper than chit-chat around the kitchen table and be intentional about meaningful conversations. While you're fixing dinner (or ordering take-out), ask about each family members' favorite part of his day or one thing she wishes she could do over again.
• Carve out family time in your schedule. Make Friday night Family night. Start a new tradition on Saturday morning of having homemade waffles or exercising together. If you choose to work outside the home, you'll have to be deliberate with your schedule and be sure you pencil in more specific times to enjoy your family.
• Consider your childcare options. Research has shown that the younger the child, the more they need their mothers (not rocket science, right?). If your kiddos are tiny (3 and below), they do best when being cared for by an attentive mother or other close relative. Children less than two-years-old who have be placed in a daycare center have been shown to have more problems with attachment than those who are cared for by their mothers or another close relative (What's dad doing? There is a rise in the number of stay-at-home dads which may be an option for some families). If a daycare center is your only option, find one that is reputable and has low child to caregiver ratios. The more attention your child gets the better for the child.

If you've been out of the workforce for a while and need some direction, consider contacting a career counselor to talk about your options. In career counseling, therapists will often begin with an interest and/or strength inventory to discover careers that fit your skills and jobs you may find appealing.

If you're trying to work through some of these questions and challenges, topics like this are just some of the areas that family counseling may help you get a clearer understanding or perspective. Working through how these decisions impact your family can be an exercise not to risk missing for the health of your family.

http://www.dol.gov/dol/topic/statistics/employment.htm

Image Credit: MomLogic.com

As much as greeting card companies and florists love Valentine's Day, we know there is more to the love behind the holiday than sappy sweet poems and roses. Marriage involves the joining of two people, with two families, two histories, two ideas about what married life is supposed to be like, and two distinct ways of communicating to name only a few. Let's make no bones about it. The idea of two people becoming one is overwhelming if you really stop to think about it. Sometimes that's the problem. Too few people take the time to stop and think about it and consider what to do to make sure their marriage lasts the long-haul.

Ninety-three percent of Americans say one of their objectives is to have a stronger marriage. One meta-analysis of 23 studies about premarital counseling efficacy revealed that couples who went through premarital counseling had 30% stronger marriages than those who got married without premarital counseling. Here are some reasons it is important to go through and what to expect in pre-marital counseling before you say, "I Do."

Examining expectations. We all go into marriage with expectations, whether we realize it or not. He expects her to run the household like his mother ran hers and she expects him to provide for the family like her father provided for her family. He expects to have sex 10 times a week and she expects to have sex once a week. Pre-marital counseling will provide an atmosphere in which you can talk about your expectations and do some early problem-solving if there are areas in which you disagree.

Look at family-of-origin issues. We each bring baggage into our marriages. Even if you have happy childhoods, there are bound to be hurtful things that have happened to you which shade the lenses through which you view marriage and the world. Perhaps your dad provided well for the family financially but was emotionally unavailable or your mom was over-bearing, controlling or critical. When you marry someone, if that person responds to you in the ways that were hurtful to you in your past, it not only brings up past hurts, but now you have to deal with the fresh hurt at the hands of someone with whom you are most vulnerable. Being able to talk about your separate histories in a healthy and loving fashion will only serve to lay the positive groundwork for a healthy relationship in the future.

Talk about dating and sexual history. It is really important that your future spouse knows about your dating and sexual history. Each of those relationships leaves an indelible mark on your brain and helps to shape how you expect romantic relationships to function. If you were mistreated in a dating relationship, it affects how you view future relationships. If you were sexually active with people other than your future spouse, you need to share that information and discuss you both getting tested for sexually transmitted infections/diseases, even if you used "protection." Better to talk about those things up front before the wedding day than to have things surface later should you have issues.

Discuss distribution of household responsibilities. Whether or not both spouses work or one stays home, one of the quickest ways to resent one another is to feel like you're putting in more work around the home than the other person. By talking about your expectations surrounding what things around the house will be done by whom, you can avoid those feelings of resentment. Are there certain chores someone absolutely refuses to do (cleaning toilets, windows?) are jobs that one feels are a "woman's job" or a "man's job?" Talking about those issues early will help diffuse any potential blow-ups after the honeymoon period wears off.

The divorce rate in the United States for first marriages is 41%, 60% for second marriages, and 73% for third marriages. Logic would suggest that after being married once, you know better going into subsequent marriages what it takes to make them work. Unfortunately, this is not the case. So, even if you're thinking of heading down the aisle a second time, start now to build a solid foundation for a successful marriage by seeking pre-marital counseling.

http://women.webmd.com/news/20030404/premarital-counseling-builds-better-union

http://www.divorcerate.org/

Here are some signs of a healthy married relationship:

1. Freedom to be yourself.
   Each individual has his/her own identity. In a healthy relationship each person is allowed the room to have his/her own likes and dislikes, friends, ideas and opinions. If one person feels he/she cannot exist outside of the other person, it may be a sign something is amiss in the relationship.
2. Lots of good communication.
   Marriage therapist John Gottman says he can predict whether or not a couple will stay married or get divorced. He analyzes their communication styles (both verbal and nonverbal) and watches to see if they turn away from each other or turn toward each other. While every couple fights, how well they fight and whether or not there is any resolution and change after the fight is the key. Being able to openly and honestly communicate feelings and opinions in a marriage relationship is both healthy and vital to its success.
3. Good sex life.
   Psychologist and author Kevin Leman said recently, "I've never counseled a married couple in crisis who said they had a great sex life." This act of intimacy is often a thermometer for the health of a marriage.
4. Trust in each other.
   If you don't have confidence in your mate, the relationship is shaky at best. Spouses need to be able to know that their mate has his/her best interest at heart. Your marriage relationship has to be one in which you can let your hair down and be real. That's not possible without trust.
5. Faithfulness to one another.
   Going along with trust is the idea of faithfulness. This is more than being faithful sexually. It means being faithful emotionally as well. Often, especially with women, a sexual affair first starts with an emotional affair.
6. Balance exists.
   Just as each person needs to have his/her own identity in the relationship, there must be balance in voice and responsibilities. Each partner needs to be able to speak and be heard. The couple needs to talk about what household responsibilities fall to whom and what childrearing duties fall to what parent. There has to be a team feel or else one partner often becomes resentful of the other.
7. The marriage is fun!
   Dr. Leman also said that marriage is not easy, but it's simple. One of the simplest "cures" for troubles in a marriage is a good sense of humor and lots of laughter. Humor can often defuse tension. If each partner can laugh at themselves, it may help whatever problem exists to be a little less edgy.

Even marriages that start out well or look like they have it all together on the outside, may be struggling. If your marriage doesn't have some of the keys above, it might be a good idea to consider couples' counseling. Just like we take our vehicles into a dealership every few months for a tune-up, we owe the same to our marriages. Being able to talk with an objective third party and get some perspective on things you can do to make your marriage better is worth the investment.

Here are some of the problem areas commonly seen in therapy offices:

1. Grief and Loss
2. Behavioral problems at home and/or at school
3. Divorce
4. Learning disabilities
5. Developmental disabilities
6. Problems with social relationships

Counseling can be very beneficial for children. Finding a good therapist (degree from an accredited program and licensed with a good reputation) is half the battle. Being prepared for the experience is the other half. Here are some helpful tips to keep in mind if your child needs therapy.

• Don't expect the therapist to fix your child without you. Often parents want to drop off the child for the counseling appointment and let the therapist work his/her magic. Unfortunately (or fortunately), the counseling will involve you and your spouse and the child. The process is much like a baby's mobile that hangs over her crib-touch one side of it and all the other parts move. For a child to make lasting changes, it will involve and affect the entire family. Good child counseling ought to look more like good family therapy.
• Things may get worse before they get better. This is not the news parents want to hear. Often, if the child is coming to counseling, the parents already think the situation is bad enough. However, change is difficult for children. They have become accustomed to behaving one way and getting certain responses. When that same behavior gets a different response, children will often push the limit. If a child throws a fit in the grocery store in order to get a candy bar and the parent give the child a candy bar to stop the fit, if the parent decides to no longer reward the fit, the child will test the limits. The fits may get louder and longer in an effort to see if the parent will eventually cave in. The child will want to test your new found resolve to see if you really mean what you say. This translates to the child pushing the boundaries more often.
• Expect the counselor to ask you to change in order to help your child change. A parent has to be willing to change some of his/her parenting in order to help his/her child change. To put a child in therapy and not change his/her environment is setting that child up for failure. So, don't take it personally if the therapist wants to talk to you about your parenting and approaches to your child.

Many children respond very well to treatment. The children whose parents are involved have a better chance of making lasting changes when parents are involved, available, and supportive throughout the treatment process. Without the parent's participation, it will be an uphill battle for everyone involved.

If you have questions about whether or not your child or family may need counseling or family counseling, contact our office and ask for an assessment. We'll be happy to give you a professional opinion on the appropriate treatment direction for your situation.

Brandon burst onto the scene proclaiming that he was going to play differently than his uncle. He insisted he would play well, all the while keeping his integrity in tact. He prayed often and seemed to be deeply morally conflicted when he was faced with opportunities to lie and deceive. He cried often over his fight between good and evil. There were times when he floundered, even failed to win that battle.

He had his entire team talking about their faith in God and praying about how they played the game and even lived their lives. They even prayed about how they should vote and prayed to win the challenges they faced in the game. In the end, his tribe blind-sided him because he was too transparent and he felt betrayed. However, almost immediately he began talking about forgiveness.

Fast-forward to the show's finale. Brandon was one of the players on which the show focused. They showed clips of him praying, in tears, and talking incessantly about integrity and being a man of honor. They poked fun at his attempts to live according to this faith in "a game." When they asked him how his family responded to how he played the game, he said that most of them were unhappy with what they saw aired on the show. In fact, when the host of the show asked where Brandon's family was in the audience, Brandon had to admit that none of his family was there other than his uncle Russell. They interviewed Russell and asked him what he thought of the way Brandon played. He turned to Brandon and asked him if he wanted him to critique his game as Uncle Russell or as Russell from Survivor.

As if you can separate one from the other. Russell went on to say that Brandon played the game all wrong. Guess he chose to critique as Survivor Russell.

Words and actions hurt just as bad whether you're playing a game or a character or not. Brandon's family "pulling" their support from him had to hurt. By watching the show, you could tell Brandon didn't want to say much for fear of saying the wrong thing. Or maybe he was afraid of saying the right thing.

Check-out this video of Brandon on the red-carpet interview at the Survivor Finale this past season.

There are many times in our lives when we make choices about how we will live and ways we'll act that will shape our reputations. So, what should happen when we make choices with which our families do not agree?

1. Families should love unconditionally. This is a tall order. We tend to get rather agitated when people don't behave in ways we think they should behave. When we get agitated we often respond with the silent treatment, verbal tirades, or worse. Unconditional love exists in spite of disagreements. It means that at the end of the day, even when we don't agree, we treat each other the way we would like to be treated. We respond to one another with kindness.
2. Families should be able to agree to disagree. There will be areas in which we will not all see eye-to-eye. We ought to be able to have loving conversations about these areas, but when we aren't on the same page, we need to admit it and focus on something else in which we do agree. For example, if a loved one admits he or she is a homosexual and you believe homosexuality is a sin, a loving conversation about your difference should take place, but in the end, a loving relationship is what should remain. To yell, threaten, physically harm, or disown someone who behaves in ways contrary to your will only damages relationships and burns bridges.  No one deserves to be treated inhumanely simply because they make choices with which you do not agree. Once someone knows where you stand on the topic, it may be best to leave it alone and spend your time and energy in the relationship on other things. Mark 3:25 says, "If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.
3. Families should help each other stand up for the right things. When Brandon decided he wanted to try to play the game with honor, his family should have stood with him. Being manipulative and deceitful to attempt to win a million dollars should not be something we should encourage in other areas of our lives. We need to help our families do the right things, even if it means we won't get ahead in the eyes of the world. Even if it means we are poorer, have to work harder, or are less successful by the standards of our society.

Please realize that these tips do not apply when people are engaging in illegal or abusive behaviors. It would be ridiculous to say that we should agree to disagree if someone is planning to commit a murder or steal from someone else. In fact, if there are major issues like this in your family, pursuing family counseling may be something that could help. If a family member decides to engage in these unlawful types of behaviors, while we take a stand on the right and wrong of their behaviors, we still need to love them. It is often that very love that turns our wayward family members around.

So how do you decide? It could be something small, like getting to the car and realizing there was something in the bottom of your shopping cart for which you didn't pay. It's a hassle to go back into the store and put the item back or stand in line again to pay for it. You already made it out of the store. You could just put it in your trunk and go home. Probably no one would be the wiser.

However, it's illegal. It's stealing. While you may believe it's not hurting anyone, it is still wrong. What's the big deal about integrity? Here are some reasons keeping your integrity in tact is so important:

If you want to believe in other people, they need to be able to believe in you

Most of us would say that we want our friends and family members to be honest and loyal. To be good people. If we want that from other people, isn't it realistic to believe that others will expect that of us? If we want those around us to live up to their words,

Someone may actually be looking

Just when we think no one is around and we can get away with something, we find out that someone is actually watching us, waiting to see how we'll respond. We see it on TV on the shows that have hidden cameras. We saw it in the Bible when Moses, who thought no one was around, killed the Egyptian who was beating a Jewish man. The next day Moses saw to Israelites fighting and tried to stop it. One turned to him and asked him, "What are you going to do? Kill me like you killed the Egyptian yesterday?" Moses was so afraid, he fled the country for years. If you have children, you must know they often hear things we don't mean them to or see things we think we have hidden from their sight. Our integrity must stay in tact, even in the small things. If you really don't want to go to work and you call in sick even when you're not, it sends your child the message that it's okay to lie when it's convenient for you. There are not many parents that would wish or tolerate that behavior when they are the ones being lied to by their children. But, if we teach them those lessons in our own behaviors, we will end up reaping what we've sown.

God expects it and demands it from us

Scripture is pretty clear that God wants us to be people of honor. God gave us that command in Exodus when He gave Moses the 10 commandments. James 5;12 says, "All you need to say is a simple "Yes" or "No." Manipulating your words into half-truths means that you're telling half-lies. Jesus overturned the tables in the temple because the peddlers had used the needs of the people for sacrificial animals as an opportunity to cheat the people and make money.

Society needs to see people of integrity be consistent

We can't check our integrity at the door just because we think dishonest or shady behavior will benefit us in the moment. Whether or not our society wants to admit it, it is longing for consistent, honest, dependable people to step up and make a difference. We are told in Romans 2:12, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." God wants us to be different, to be set apart. People around us are often inspired by stories of people who go above and beyond the norm. It's why the news is so enamored lately with the stories of the "Secret Santas" that popped up over this last Christmas season to pay off people's layaway bills. It's why ESPN runs stories about real life heroes who are making a difference. Most of these stories do not revolve around the athletes that are getting paid tens of millions of dollars to hoop it up on the court. Many times these people look like the Average Joe, just doing the unexpected-living with honor, integrity, and kindness.

There have been hundreds of famous people who are famous and fall from grace. The short list ranges from people like the former President of the United States Bill Clinton to televangelists like Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert. However, there are some people everyone is watching who have lived lives of which they can be proud. That's why there is such a buzz when someone like Tim Tebow uses his platform to live his life out loud in front of millions or why people have such a respect for someone like Billy Graham. They are living lives of which they, their families, and God can be proud because they are striving to honor Him in their words and deeds. While there are some hoping folks like Tebow and Graham will stumble and make a mistake so they can pounce on them, it is usually so they can rationalize their own short-comings and feel better about themselves. Maybe, instead, those folks should try to live a life of dependability, self-sacrifice, integrity, and honesty and see if those characteristics might be more fulfilling that waiting for someone else to fall or fail. Who we are when no one or everyone is looking should be one and the same.

If you are struggling with choices of right and wrong or living up to whom you really want to be, there are things you can do. Perhaps you can talk with someone from a local, Bible-believing church as it may be a spiritual issue. Or, you may want to consider speaking with a professional counselor. Individual counseling or family counseling can help you and those you love articulate what steps can be taken to make sure who you are in public and private match.

One of the hardest things to have to explain to a child is the concept of death. For many, depending on their age and development, their minds cannot comprehend the finiteness of life or the permanence of death. Many attempts adults make to explain death can actually do more harm than good. If you tell a child that Grandma has gone to sleep forever, the child may be afraid to go to sleep that night for fear he won't wake up. If you tell a child that Aunt Betsy went away forever, it may spark a pretty fierce dose of separation anxiety and the child may not want you to leave her sight for fear the same fate may befall you.

There are ways you can help the child grieve the loss of a loved one and even the smallest of losses (the goldfish won at the county fair) is an opportunity to lovingly teach your child about the beginnings and ends of life. Here are some ways you can help your child grieve in a healthy fashion:

1. Give your child permission
   Let your child know it's okay to be sad and that's it's okay to wish the loved one was still around. You can tell him it's perfectly acceptable to cry and feel blue.
2. Allow them to see you grieve
   Many times parents will avoid crying in front of their children for fear it will upset them. However, letting your child see your true feelings of grief and tears of loss speaks so much louder than just telling her it's okay to cry and be sad. If you model it for her, she is more likely to be honest about what she's truly experiencing.
3. Let your child ask questions
   Many parents are afraid of questions, because we may not even feel like we have good answers ourselves. We may be asking the same questions. Don't shut out the questions. If you can answer them, do so. If you can't, simply say you don't know.
4. Don't be afraid to use direct language
   Use the words "dead" and "death." Call it what it is. While our children may not truly understand the depth of those words, it is much better to use the accurate language than to try to use some euphemism and end up confusing the child even more.
5. Allow the child to attend the funeral
   Many parents are afraid that seeing the dead loved one at the funeral home, church, or cemetery will be a scarring last picture of their loved one. However, children need to be able to say good-bye. Not being allowed to go to a loved one's funeral robs them of the chance to say good-bye in a healthy way. Talk with them about what they can expect. You can even let them be involved in the planning if possible.
6. Try to keep things as normal as possible
   Stick to as much of a daily routine as you can. Children need the safety and security of routine as much as possible when other parts of their lives seem to be turned upside-down.
7. Don't tell a child to "get over it"
   Grief may last a long time. It may pop up months or even years after a loss. A small loss can trigger feelings of grief from a previous loss. So, telling a child that enough time has passed and that they need to stop being sad can be incredibly harmful.
8. Don't allow them to blame themselves
   Often, children will engage in what is called magical thinking. It may sound like this, "If only I had been better, Daddy wouldn't have died in the car accident" or "If I had been a better girl, Grandma would have stayed to be with me." Parents need to step in and correct this way of thinking. Someone's death is not usually something we can take the blame for...our behaviors or lack of good behavior didn't cause someone to live or die. Children need to understand that they are not responsible for their loved one's death.
9. Be available
   This means to be open and around physically and emotionally. Be ready to talk when they need to talk, even if it might stir things up in you.
10. Be willing to seek professional help
    Even when parents do everything right, children can take losses extremely hard and need more to learn to live after loss. Grief counseling, grief support groups, and family counseling can be extremely beneficial for those who are struggling with the remnants of loss.

Here are some warning signs that you may need to seek help from a counselor:

• Sleep disturbance, depressed mood, eating issues that last longer than three months.
• Extreme changes in school performance (decline or overachievement)
• Appearing "perfect"
• Suicidal thoughts or actions
• Isolation from social relationships and/or family
• Problems concentrating
• Running away, illegal behavior, sexually acting out
• Belligerent behavior or hostility
• Denying pain and pretending things are okay

Children may need us to step in and help when they are especially vulnerable. Walking through the grief journey together is a great way to help each other during these difficult times.

Some information taken from "Silent Tears: The Language of Children's Grief" by Beth Katz (2006).

It is inevitable. At some point or another, we will all experience a crisis and, odds are we will experience more than one in our lifetimes. So, how can you be prepared for your next catastrophe? Here are a few tips:

It's all in how you look at it

Some stress is actually healthy. It motivates us. A looming deadline pushes you to get to work. A report of high cholesterol or high blood pressure should spur one to change his/her diet or exercise habits. Keeping your perspective in the middle of a crisis can help you keep your wits about you. A mantra that might help with this is, "How can I use this to make me stronger?"

Don't catastrophize

This goes hand-in-hand with keeping perspective. Don't make things worse than they really are. When we automatically jump to the worst case scenario, we often handicap ourselves. It causes us to lose sight of what might be realistic solutions. Simply because things start to go south does not mean it's the end of the world. Let's say you have to sit for an exam to get a license in your particular field. You stress about your test preparation and start to feed yourself lines like, "If I don't pass the test, I'm not going to get the job I want. If I don't get the job I want, I'm going to be miserable or I'll have to file for unemployment. If I have to take unemployment, I will get sucked into a cycle of never being able to get a job and becoming dependent on the government. If I become dependent on the government..." See how the slope gets slippery quickly? Catastrophizing always makes everything much worse than it really is..

Act your way into feeling

When we're in the middle of a crisis, we may want to crawl in a hole and hide. Or, we may want to come out swinging. Think about the type of effective response for which the situation calls. If the crisis calls for you to be assertive and take a stand, work through any fear you may have and do just that. If the crisis demands for you to stand down, even if you want to take more aggressive steps, walk through that process. Many of the decisions we make that are driven by emotions get us in more trouble in the long run. In crisis situation, we need to think first before we respond and sometimes, we have to behave in ways we may not really feel like behaving.

Take care of yourself

During times of crises, you may lose your appetite or you may eat inordinate amounts of food. You may feel like you'll never get another decent night's sleep or like you can't keep your eyes open no matter how hard you try. When situations get touchy, you'll need to make sure you are eating healthy, getting enough rest, and sleeping at least 8 hours each night. If you're not physically on your game, the crisis will seem more and more overwhelming.

Avoid alcohol and drugs

Alcohol and drugs cloud your judgment anytime they are used. It will be even more important to avoid these things when you are going through an emergency.

Seek help when needed

We do not exist in a vacuum. When you are going through a tough time, you need to be able to lean on those around you whom you trust. Find someone in whom you can confide and let him/her know what is really going on. There are certain types of disasters that may require you to seek counseling from a professional counselor. It may take the form of marriage counseling, individual or group counseling, or grief counseling.

Lean into your faith

There are many verses in Scripture indicating the God is big enough to help us through whatever comes our way. "Cast all your anxiety on Him, for he cares for you" (I Peter 5:7), "But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you; my power is made perfect in your weakness'"(II Corinthians  12:9), "Be anxious about nothing" (Philippians 4:6), "I will never leave you, nor forsake you" (Joshua 1:5). These promises are true and God's presence, as well as simply the name of Jesus, can calm whatever calamity you may be facing.

On the roller coaster of life, we will all have our ups and downs and it will throw us a few loops. During times of calm, it is a good idea to think about how we will handle crises. Unfortunately, one may be just around the corner. But, with the right preparation and support, you'll be able to make it through.

The holiday season is meant to be joyous and celebratory. However, if you have suffered the death of someone close to your heart, the holidays bring mixed feelings. This may be the first Thanksgiving or Christmas without your loved one. An empty chair at the table or no one to help cut down the Christmas tree will be difficult to stomach. The bad news-it will be painful. The good news-at some point in the future, maybe near, maybe far, it will get better. Here are some suggestions to help you survive the holidays while allowing yourself to grieve in a healthy fashion:

• Talk about your loved one
  One of the most helpful things you can do after someone dies is to continue to speak his/her name. People around you may not want to mention your loved one's name for fear of upsetting you. However, if you do not talk about your loved one by name, it may start to feel like everyone has forgotten him/her. Talk about your good memories and your bad. While some may feel it is disrespectful to talk about the negative things regarding the dead, it is unhealthy to idealize someone who wasn't perfect. We need to be honest about our memories.
• Don't hide your emotions
  In our society, we want everyone to feel better. That's why people come up with clichés like, "God needed another angel in heaven, that's why your daughter went to be with Him," or "God won't give you anything you can't handle," or "Your mom is in a better place." While some of those things are true, these spiritual band-aids do little actually make someone who is grieving feel better. Don't be afraid to show your emotions during these holidays, especially when you are with your family. Sometimes the best thing for your family is for them to see you grieving. This includes your tears, anger, hurt, and pain.
• Remember that each person grieves in his/her own way
  You will not grieve in the same manner as that of your husband, child, sibling, or parent. One may be very outwardly emotional, while another may seem to have simply moved on. Keep in mind that you do not see this person every hour of every day. Perhaps he/she cries when no one else is around. Or, maybe he/she is in counseling and uses that time to process his/her emotions and chooses to try not to think about the loss outside the safety of that therapy hour. You will have to give each person his/her own space to grieve in an individual and unique way.
• Continue old traditions
  If Dad loved the smell of a real Christmas tree, perhaps you'll want to continue that tradition in his honor. If Mom was famous for her sweet potato casserole at Thanksgiving dinner and you think you can pull them off, pull out your best dish and make her proud. Think ahead about the ways your loved one will be missed the most and plan how you can still keep their memory alive during these special times.
• Start a new tradition
  While it's important to remember your loved one during the holiday season, it might be too painful to try to continue all the old traditions. What might be helpful is to break into something new. You might consider integrating something your loved one might have liked. Maybe planting a tree at Christmas in honor of your loved one would be a nice gesture. Or, perhaps serving a meal at a soup kitchen during the Thanksgiving meal would be a fitting honor. Whatever the new tradition, talk about what your dearly departed would appreciate or like about it to bring him/her into it from the start.
• Keep in mind you may get to see your loved one again
  If you and your loved one are Christians, you have the promise that you will be reunited in Heaven in the future. Sometime, this promise may be the only thing to which you have to hold. Remembering this assurance may make surviving your time without him/her a little easier.

Losing a loved one is difficult. Surviving the first holiday season (not to mention the holiday seasons to come), is tough, but it can be done. Remember to take care of yourself and give yourself freedom to miss your loved one. You may need to consult a therapist who can provide grief counseling to help you make it through this challenging time.

When we think about our families and the holidays, we can all probably visualize at least one relative we could label EGR-Extra Grace Required. Maybe it's a creepy uncle or an in-law who seems to have the right answer for everything. It might be a Debbie Downer or Negative Ned. Whoever it is, we sometimes have to take a deep breath before crossing the threshold of the front door so we can be polite and keep our cool.

Here are some helpful tips to handle the EGRs in your life:

1. Be kind. Remember the reason for the season and act accordingly. Even if you're annoyed, it doesn't give you the right to treat someone poorly. Smile, ask about their lives, find something to compliment, and then move on to someone else in the family.
2. Pace yourself. If Thanksgiving this year is being held at Aunt Jo's house and she drives you absolutely nuts, consider ahead of time how much time you want to spend at the festivities. Maybe you decide to arrive right as lunch begins and leave before the after-meal card games start. Or, if it's a large gathering, try and find a seat in another room. Try to take those annoying family members in small doses.
3. Keep perspective. If you have a relative that tends to suck the life out of you, keep in mind that there are reasons he/she is the way he/she is. Something(s) in their history caused them to develop the traits that grate on your nerves. If, in your interactions, you can remind yourself to consider the person's history, it may give you a little insight into their behaviors.
4. Be patient. This is probably the toughest tip of all. Especially during the holidays, you may need to cut those annoying family members some slack. Holidays can be tough for various reasons. Maybe there has been a job loss in the last year and finances are tighter than usual. Or, perhaps there was a divorce or a death in the family that rocked their world. Whatever the reason, give yourself and those irritating family members some space.
5. Have an exit strategy. Know when you're reached your limit and have a way out planned in advance. If your plans include multiple days or staying in the same house, you will need some space at some point, maybe to even just get some peace and quiet to collect your thoughts. If necessary, arrange other accommodations. You can simply say you feel it would be easier for you and your family and easier for your potential host. Even if you are only going to a house for a meal, but you expect that your nerves will be raw before your turkey is digested, have somewhere to go or something to do that you can fall back on if you need to make an early escape. Plan a movie with your family or a trip to the mall to get an early jump on present buying or returning.

Knowing your limits, going into the situation with a positive attitude, and having a way out will help you survive those exasperating exchanges with your EGRs. If you find that your family is chalk-full of EGRs, you may want to consider seeking professional advice on how to cope with them by consulting a counselor and engaging in counseling yourself. One more tip to keep in mind to help you endure the EGRs in your life-remember you are probably someone else's EGR. That brings it all into focus.

Lotus Group Counseling offers family counseling services to the Indianapolis and surrounding areas. Please contact us if you have questions or would like assistance in equipping and preparing yourself to handle family relational challenges this holiday season.

Helping kids learn gratefulness is a tough job. Parents are under enormous pressures. We have to raise kids to be smart, polite, athletically gifted, responsible, honest, kind, gentle, and patient. They have to be prepared for the best colleges, earn a full-ride scholarship to those colleges, and compete for the highest paying jobs. And these are just qualities we have to teach them by the time they are five years old.

Teaching children to be thankful is tough, but possible. Being thankful does wonders for the brain, body, and soul. People like to be around someone who is grateful for the little things. Here are some tips that you can begin this holiday season and continue the whole year through:

MODEL IT - Talking about things for which you are thankful sets the tone. If you operate from a "glass is half-empty" perspective, you are teaching your children to be negative and complain. Try looking at the brighter side of situations and pointing those out to your child.

A LITTLE HARD WORK NEVER KILLED ANYONE - There was a day when kids earned money for penny candy at the local drug store by mowing lawns, walking dogs, or babysitting. Our parents reminded us that money didn't grow on trees. Give your children chores and make them earn money for that new toy or video game. If we bend over backward to buy them the latest and greatest thing on the market, they will not value your work for that money or the purchase.

PRACTICE HELPING OTHERS TOGETHER - When we allow our children to see others who are less fortunate, it helps them learn to appreciate the ways in which they have been blessed. Look for opportunities at your church, civic organizations and community agencies in which you can serve with your children. Local food pantries, clothing resale stores, and crisis pregnancy centers often look for help stocking shelves or serving food. You can also sponsor a child in another country or take a short-term or long-term mission trip. Or, maybe we can give up a gift or two during this holiday season and give something of value to someone in need.

DON'T RUSH IN TO MEET EVERY "NEED" - The words "need" and "want" are often used interchangeably, but they are very different. Many times we say we "need" a new outfit or we "need" a new car, but when we really ask if ourselves if we truly need it, we often realize we only want it. If we rush in to meet every "need" our children have, they will not know how to delay gratification, earn the things they really want, or how to distinguish a want from a true need.

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS WITH YOUR CHILDREN - Make it a practice to daily talk about the things in your lives for which you are grateful. Maybe this takes place around the dinner table or in the car on the way to school. Wherever. Whenever. Talking about even the smallest things for which you are thankful (blue skies, green grass, snow, health, family, etc;) teaches our kids to appreciate the little things, which will help them appreciate the bigger things.

Thankfulness is contagious and can be one of the best gifts we can give to this generation of kids. Start early, share often, and practice daily. With practice, being thankful can become a lifestyle that will last an entire lifetime.

Religion.

While religion, at its heart, is supposed to bring people together, in today's society, it is often divisive. It has become such an emotionally laden issue that talking about it can make people feel like they're walking on egg shells.

It's one thing to give our adult friends leeway in how they decide to handle issues of religion. It's a totally different story when we abdicate our responsibilities as parents to cultivate our children's spiritual development.

You may have heard folks say, "I'm not going to force my beliefs on my kids. I'm going to let them make up their own minds about what religion." While that may sound honorable to some people, there is a problem.

Our children's minds are fully developed until they reach their middle twenties. There it is. That's the major flaw in that line of thinking. Our children are not equipped to make such major decisions (and, yes, that is a major decision) without the guidance of their parents. The way we help to shape our children's ideas about God and his mandates will shape the way our children think about the poor, needy, hurting, and underprivileged people in our world.

Recent research has shown the section of our brains responsible for reason, decision-making, and planning is continually making neural connections well into our twenties, with some studies saying this development does not end until our early thirties. That part of our brain develops by having experiences in our lives connect our behaviors and feelings to our experiences. For example, when our children engage in negative behavior (hitting a sibling), we must step in and correct that behavior (a time-out or taking away a privilege) and explaining to that child that hitting is hurtful and that we are to treat others in loving ways. These neural connections do not solidify after only one experience. However, with repeated exposure to this type of "dot-connecting" (If you do _________, ___________ will happen to you in return), those neural connections are formed and become a "rut" in the brain that is well-formed and well-worn.

With something as important as spiritual development, we cannot leave our children in the dark to figure this matter out on their own. We must provide guidance and conversation about why having a belief system is so important and how that belief system not only impacts our individual lives, but the lives of those around us. Not many adults have all the moral and spiritual questions of the world figured out. And, even if they did at one time, society, science, and thought are constantly changing and we'd have new questions and problems to solve. It is our job as parents to provide leadership and guidance.

Many people in our culture are opposed to an organized religion. However, this type of community and structure can actually be very healthy for our children. To have a sense of consistency and continuity is important in a child's spiritual development. To see what is talked about on Sunday mornings lived out in the lives of those members of the faith community is vital to that child's faith development.

This is a big job, so where should we start?

1. Talk about it. In the Christian religion, Deuteronomy 11 says: "¹⁸ Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. ¹⁹ Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. ²⁰ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, ²¹ so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the LORD swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth." Talking about our faith should be something that is done often and easily, part of our daily routine. In order for this to become part of our normal, day-to-day life, we have to be intentional.
   
2. Take them to church. Our children benefit from being part of a community that calls their parents to high standards of living. That same community hopefully expresses love to our children and provides them with good role models whom our children can admire and strive to imitate. The African proverb, "It takes a village to raise a child" is true and hopefully our faith communities are safe "villages" who will take an interest in our children's well-being.
   
3. Live it out. The best way to cultivate your child's faith is to live it out in front of them. There is no more damning indictment than for a child to walk away from a faith community because their parents or other trusted adults lived in hypocrisy. If we say we believe in being honest, don't call in sick to work when you aren't. If we say we believe we are called to help the poor, teach your child practical ways to do this and do it together (volunteer at a local food pantry or shelter; go on a mission trip to impoverished areas and build homes or dig wells; set aside money at Christmas that would normally be spent on presents and think of ways to donate it to the less fortunate).

There is probably no more important area in our children's lives in which they need us to speak. Don't relinquish this responsibility to your child before he/she is ready and don't hand away this duty to someone outside your home. Your kids need you to set the trajectory.

The counselors at Lotus Group can help prepare and guide you effort as well as other Christian counseling topics for you and your family. Contact us today to schedule an appointment.

• Women attempt suicide more than men, but men actually complete (are successful in their suicide attempts) than women.
• Those 65 and older have the highest suicide rate.
• Men use firearms more often to commit suicide; women more often overdose.

Here are some warning signs of suicide:

• Depression
  Depression often precedes suicide; Feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, blue mood, problems sleeping and problems with appetite may all be warning signs of depression.
• Substance Abuse
  Those considering suicide are often self-medicating with alcohol or other drugs to try to numb their pain
• Change in Behavior
  Many times someone who is depressed will experience something called anhedonia. This is a loss of interest in things you once loved. So, if you used to enjoy going out with friends on the weekends and you now have no interest in that activity, it might be a sign of depression.
• Giving Away Possessions
  This may sound cliché, but someone who has decided to end his/her life will often give away prized possessions to loved ones.
• Saying Goodbyes
  Someone who is considering suicide will often make amends in relationships and begin saying goodbye, many times in a veiled manner.
• Previous personal suicide attempts or family members' attempts-someone who has attempted suicide before is at a higher risk to try it again; those who have a family history of suicide are also at higher risk than those without a family history of suicide.
• A more positive mood-sounds like an oxymoron, but many people who decide to end their lives will experience a peace and a peak in their moods. It will almost seem like a relief that they finally see a way out of their depression.

If someone you love shows some of these warning signs step up and step in to the situation. Ask the tough questions. Let them know your concerns and ask the direct question: "Are you considering suicide?" If the answer is "Yes," you'll need to be ready to take steps to protect the life of your loved one.

Steps to Intervene:

• Don't promise to keep secrets. Many times someone considering suicide will ask you not to tell anyone. Tell him that his safety is more important to you than whether or not he'll be mad at you for not keeping a secret.
• Call someone to help-this can be a suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255 is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline), the local hospital, police station, or 911. Each of these options has specially trained staff to know how to respond to this crisis situation.
• Stick with them-don't leave the person alone. You may have to call in some family members and other friends to help.
• Ask if he has a plan-ask "If you were going to kill yourself, how would you do it?" This may feel awkward, but if the person has been considering suicide, it may be a relief for him to finally be able to talk about it. If he is considering using a gun, ask if he has a gun and pass this information on to the professionals.
• Talk with him about reasons to live-For many people, they believe suicide is a sin. For others, they know how badly it would hurt their families. Whatever the reasons, talk about the reasons to continue to live.

Knowing the signs of depression and risk factors for suicide can be helpful in helping save someone's life. If you are struggling with depression or experiencing other signs mentioned for suicide, there are a variety of counseling services we offer that may be able to help. If while you were reading this article, someone came to mind and you'd like help in equipping yourself to be a support, contact us. If you or someone you love is considering suicide, please seek immediate help by calling 911, your local crisis hotline, or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

We all need it. Sometimes we have plenty. Other times, we run short. Some of us are procrastinators, while other truly live by the adage from Thomas Jefferson, "Never put off till tomorrow what can be done today."[i]

It might sound easy to simply roll up your sleeves and jump into whatever project needs completing. But, if you've ever faced a task that is less than exciting, you know you have to work up the energy and desire to "get ‘er done." So, what motivates us and how to we get up and get moving?

There are two types of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic.

Intrinsic motivation comes from within. If your main mode of motivation comes from within, you are often moved to action by a sense of duty, calling, altruism, or even guilt. This type of motivation can take the form of doing something out of obligation or because you are concerned about what others may think of you. Some of us are motivated by a sense of altruism-acting even when it costs us something. It may cost us money or time or effort, but the idea that our deeds will benefit others makes it worth it. If you're a person of faith, sometimes your intrinsic motivation is due to the idea that you are working for God, not just for men. That sense of commitment calls us to give 100% of our effort in everything we do and is a form of intrinsic motivation.

Extrinsic motivation comes from outside us. The need to get the job done with extrinsic motivation comes in the form of a paycheck, awards, or recognition by others. The idea of being rewarded in some way other than a feeling of accomplishment or a job well done moves us to action. This is often why companies will offer bonuses for goals met or over-time pay for extra hours put in on the job. These companies know that extrinsic motivation in the form of money get some people's motors running.  These same companies may also offer the employee of the month or year awards, knowing that public recognition of hard work and dedication moves some employees to great efforts.

Both types of motivation have their pros and cons. Neither is necessarily more positive or negative than the other. We often need to step up to obligations and we ought to be concerned about our reputations. Working for a paycheck is necessary in our world and not something that should be frowned upon. However, after some self-exploration, most people will likely find they are motivated by a balance of intrinsic and extrinsic factors. This is as it should be. There will not always be a monetary bonus for a job well done, but simply knowing you did a good job may be reward enough.

The key is determining what motivates you and then putting safeguards in place for those really daunting tasks to ensure you get the job done. Here are some ideas on how to keep your motivation for those less than exciting tasks:

1. Use the 15 minute rule --- When faced with a distasteful or dull job, start it and tell yourself to do it for only 15 minutes. Take cleaning the bathroom, for example. There aren't many folks that get excited to scrub toilets and soap scum off shower walls. Do it for just 15 minutes. Depending on the size of your bathroom, once you're 15 minutes into it, you may only have 10 or 15 more minutes to go before the job is done and you'll keep going. Often, the toughest step in getting a job done is the first one.
2. Set up some accountability --- Ask a friend or co-worker to ask about your progress. Sometimes simply knowing that someone is going to ask how you're doing is motivation enough to get moving. No one wants to admit to someone else that she's been slacking.
3. Reward yourself --- Promise yourself a treat when the job is over. The bigger the job, the bigger the reward. If you finish your monthly trip to load up on groceries and get them all put away, give yourself permission to have a bowl of ice cream, a good book, and a bubble bath. If you're cleaning the garage and it's been 10 years in the making, go out for dinner and a movie when you're done (if you have the energy). If you finally finish the book your publisher has been nagging you for throughout the last year, take a vacation and relax. Give yourself a pat on the back for a job completed.

When it comes to motivation, find out what formula works for you and put it to good use. Let others know what that formula is, too. Who knows, maybe they'll speak your language the next time they need you to get the job done.

[i] http://thinkexist.com/quotation/never_put_off_till_tomorrow_what_you_can_do_today/146619.html

Even outside this economic downturn, current stats show that a person will have an average of 7-10 jobs in his/her lifetime.[i] This may be a bit daunting to our high school and college students who are trying to answer the question about selecting the perfect major. Really, it appears that college is now the training ground for learning how to learn and learning how to be flexible and adjust to the changing tides of the job market. Take a look at those words: flexible, adjust, change. Those are hard lessons to learn, but, as current trends are demonstrating, necessary.

So, what should we do to be prepared in case a job change is in our future, whether by choice or not?

1. Make yourself invaluable.
   Go above and beyond in your current position. Find your niche and dig in. Offer something to your employer and your co-workers that no one else can offer. Even if your position does get cut due to downsizing, you will have plenty of people who can serve as references or who would recommend you to folks they know who may have positions open.
2. Keep your resume updated regularly.
   It is much easier to add things to your resume as you do them, rather than try to recall all the different activities in which you've been involved years after you've completed them. For example, rather than waiting until you lose your job to try to remember all the trainings and seminars you've been to, add each one to your resume once it's completed. If you stay in a job for 4.1 years (median length for US citizen based on current statistics) and then look to move for whatever reason, it will be difficult to pull from memory important things you will want a new employer to know about you.
3. Always look for ways to sharpen your skills.
   While in your current position, look for ways to hone your expertise. Are there projects in which you could be involved that would look good on your resume? Are there tasks you can do now that prepare you for life beyond your current position? If so, roll up your sleeves and get busy now so you can sell yourself later.
4. Network with people outside your current position.
   Sometimes it's all about who you know. Get involved in your community through your church, Little League, Kiwanis/Rotary Club, or local charities. You never know when you will need to have connections outside your current job in order to help you find your next position.
5. Be a lifelong learner.
   One of the traits that impress future employers is teachability. Are you demonstrating that you are able to learn new things? There is no greater combination than someone with life experience who is also willing and able to be trained. So, if there is a new technology in your field step out and get the training to know how to use it. If there are new techniques that can be used in your field, step up and learn it and offer to teach it to others.
6. Be open-minded.
   If the axe comes down in your department and you find yourself on the wrong side of it, be willing to consider positions you may not have been open to before your current role.  Jobs are hard to come by in our current market, so you may have to take a position that forces you out of your comfort zone. It also might be a position for which you feel over-qualified or might have been beneath you at an earlier place and time. However, if you know the fact mentioned earlier (median number of jobs for an individual in the US is 7-10), you know that you may not be in that position for very long. Not to mention, if you prove yourself capable in that job, it may be the step to a different position down the road that you feel better fits your gifts and qualifications.

No matter the circumstance, your attitude can dictate how you handle the changes. If you face the challenge with optimism and perseverance, others will take note and you'll be more likely to do what needs to be done to get another position.

[i] http://www.bls.gov/news.release/tenure.nr0.htm

With mid-terms on the horizon, we hope today's article will provide some assistance in guiding your children how to prepare for tests and reduce and eliminate the anxiety that sometimes can accompany those big exams like Mid-terms.

We can all probably think back to a day in our lives when we faced a big test and we thought we would bomb it. No matter how much we studied, we didn't feel confident that the information sank in enough for us to remember it for the test. The knots in our stomachs and the lumps in our throats seemed as big as boulders.

Test anxiety happens to the best of us. It is due to a fear that we won't perform well. Our bodies have a stress reaction and release adrenaline. Our brains have a mental reaction when we focus on the negative ("I know I'm going to flunk this test" or "If I don't get a B on this test I'll get a lower grade in this class"). It turns into a vicious cycle. We worry about doing well on the test and we can't focus. We panic because we can't focus and continue to worry that we won't do well. In order to tame test anxiety, we have to break the cycle. So, what can you do?

1. Realize that some stress is healthy - If you weren't stressed about the test, you wouldn't do you best to study the material and be prepared. So, having some level of stress serves to motivate you to study the material thoroughly and be prepared.
   
2. Ask for help - If you are struggling with the course material, ask the instructor for help. Maybe she can give you some guidance on concepts you don't understand by giving you some more examples or explaining it in a different way. Let the instructor know that you are concerned about your performance and how you plan to prepare. She may be able to give you some study tips that will help guide your preparation.
   
3. Take care of yourself - Be sure to get a good night's sleep the night before a big test. (Just a side note: cramming for a test doesn't work. Your brain needs the down time to take what you've put into your short-term memory and transfer it to your long-term memory. So, if you want to remember what you've studied, close the books and get some shut eye.) Get up and eat a healthy breakfast (eggs and toast or oatmeal). Have the things you need for the class laid out the night before so there is no rush the morning of.
   
4. Take a deep breath - When you are stressed, one of the best ways to calm down is to be mindful of your breathing. Take a deep breath in through your nose, completely filling your lungs. Hold it for just a few seconds, and then let it out completely through your mouth. Do this deep breathing technique until you feel you can focus and move on. When you feel your blood pressure rising again, practice deep breathing until you feel you are back in control.
   
5. Watch what you're thinking - If you start to ruminate on how you're going to flunk the test, you're basically revving the engine of failure in your mind. Don't dwell on the negative. Instead, remind yourself: "I studied the material well and I am ready."
   
6. Write down what you can remember - If you created a pneumonic, write it down on the back page of the test as soon as you sit down. If there are dates or sequences of events or steps you need to remember, jot those down, too. There's no rule that says your test has to be neat and tidy when you turn it in. As long as the instructor can tell which answer you indicate for each question, use the extra space on the pages to write down things that will jog your memory once the test gets started.
   
7. Take your time - While most tests are timed, take a deep breath and don't rush through the test. Be mindful of the clock, but don't let your worries about the clock cloud your focus on the test questions.
   
8. Save the tough questions for last - As you work through the questions, do your best to answer each one. If you get stuck on one, don't sit and labor over it, wasting time on the clock. Circle that question and move on. Come back to that question when you have time.
   
9. Seek special accommodations if necessary - If you try all these tips and nothing seems to help, talk with your instructor about special testing accommodation. Perhaps you can take the test at another time or at a different location with fewer distractions. Many times these types of accommodations will require a documented learning disability. Your instructor will know more about how to be tested for a learning disability and what types of accommodations are available.

1. Spend time outside the classroom in study and preparation

In college, the standard is to spend two hours in study outside the classroom for every hour spent inside the classroom. So, if a student spends three hours in Biology class each week, he should plan to spend 6 hours outside class time reading the book, going over his notes, writing papers, and preparing for tests. This may sound like a great deal of time for one class, but think about the thousands of dollars being spent on this college education. Getting a degree should be that student's full time job and the amount of time spent in class and studying may end up equaling 40 hours per week.

2. Establish a routine

Pick a regular time to study and try and stick with it every week. Attempt to study in the same place. This repetition helps your brain remember what you've studied. Choose a time of day when you can focus and aren't already tired. For some people, this is first thing in the morning. For other people it is early afternoon. Find what time works best for you.

3. Pick the right study place

Avoid locations that are noisy or have lots of people moving around.  This will limit your visual and auditory distractions. Choose a place that is well lit, quiet, and comfortable, but not so comfortable you get sleepy.

4. Actually read the assignment

Don't expect to skim the material and ace the exam. If a teacher wants you to read the chapter, it means that what is covered in the text may be on the exam.

5. Take good notes in class

Follow along in class with the lecture and the book. Write down the examples of the concepts given by the professors. This will help you remember how to apply the concepts later. Highlight ideas in the book that the professor spends time on in class. Odds are, it's an important topic.

6. Review your notes soon after class

Once class is over, review your notes. Make any new notes to help with your recall later. See if you can create examples of your own to illustrate the concepts. Share your examples with your professor, teaching assistant or other classmate to make sure you're on the right track.

7. Chunk it

Study in 45 minute chunks of time. Cramming for tests doesn't work. Pulling an all-nighter may sound like a good idea because the information will be fresh, but it is likely that you'll only remember the first and last things you studied. Your brain needs time to transfer the new knowledge from short-term to long-term memory and this is best done by getting a good night's sleep. The best approach to studying is to think of it as a sprint, not a marathon. Study for 45 minutes and then take a break. Come back after 15 minutes and study for another 45 minutes. Then take another break. These frequent breaks will give your brain a breather and help with memory consolidation.

8. Study your toughest (or more boring) subject first

By doing this you'll have the ability to concentrate more before you get bored and your interest wanes. Tackling the hard stuff first while you're fresh will, hopefully, help you remember what you've studied and get you through the first subject before you lose your focus.

9. For multiple choice exams:

• Study facts and details.
• Read the entire question.
• Try to come up with your own answer before reading the options.
• Focus on one question at a time.
• Circle your best guess and come back to tougher questions later.

10. For essay exams:

• Write an outline before you begin writing your answer.
• Look for keys words in the instructions to know how to answer the question (compare and contrast, describe)
• Start with a summary statement.
• Try to highlight topics that were discussed in class and in the text.

11. For Math or Science:

• Practice solving problems.
• Memorize formulas and concept definitions

12. For Conceptual Subjects:

• Answer questions at the ends of the chapters.

Overall, the best study tip is to pay attention in class, do the work, and be prepared. By working at a steady pace, those tests don't stand a chance.

Be sure to continue reading our blog for more resources on family counseling and guidance topics. If you have specific questions that haven't been discussed in one of our recent posts or need more information, give us a call at 317-572-5055.

Bullying is a serious issue that need not be overlooked. The childhood saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is a lie. Words do hurt and sometimes bullying goes beyond words to physical aggression. Years ago, the wisdom surrounding how to handle bullying was to ignore it and it would make you stronger. Parents believed that children needed to learn to handle their own problems and that intervening would make their children weaker or cause even more bullying when the parents or authority figures were not around. However, bullying has become more dangerous in recent years. Given the constant bombardment of media, bullying can be done even when the bully or the victim is not even in the same vicinity. There have been numerous cases of cyber-bullying reported in recent days. The bullying had become so unbearable, that numbers of victims decided it would be easier to take their own lives than to live another day under that type of torture.

When a child is being bullied parents and authority figures must act quickly and carefully. We shouldn't shelter our kids from any type of conflict. It will handicap them for real life and they need to learn how to successfully manage situations in which people do not agree or get along. However, our children are not mini-adults. To send them back out on the playground to fall prey to a ruthless bully before they have the skills necessary could also prove disastrous. Here are some things to keep in mind and try in cases of bullying:

Teach your child early how to be kind and treat others with respect

Children learn to bully. They may see it modeled in their homes or on TV. We need to teach our children empathy-what it feels like to walk in someone else's shoes. Ask question like, "When your brother didn't include you when he was playing with his friends, how did that feel?" Then, encourage him to include other people so as to not let them experience what he felt by being excluded. Ask, "How did it feel to rake up the leaves in Mrs. Brown's yard?" Then, encourage him to look for different ways to be kind to those around him.

Is there threat of physical harm?

If so, act quickly and take whatever steps necessary to protect the child who is being targeted. Do whatever is needed to stop the physical violence.

Talk to your child

If your child is the victim, talk to him about how he feels about what is going on and give him a safe place to express his feelings. Don't brush off his anxiety about school or situations in which he may be bullied. (This is often the response to boys who are being bullied. We want to toughen them up. This can be a hazardous response.) Ask him what he has tried in terms of escaping the bullying. Has he told his teacher or a trusted adult? If so, what was the response? If not, why not? If your child is the bully, talk with him about what he is thinking during the times he is picking on another child. Ask him how he feels when the other child responds to the bullying (crying, running away) and if that is satisfying to him in some way. Ask him how he feels when he is bullied (by an older sibling or other child?) and if he likes to feel that way. Ask him how he feels when he is punished for the bullying behavior. There is something going on at the root of the bullying that needs to be explored and worked through in order to stop the behavior. Often, we find that the bully learned his behavior from someone in his own life. See if you can find out where this behavior was learned and be sure that type of environment is avoided.

Talk to the authority figures involved

Talk to the teachers, bus drivers, or group leaders who are around when the bullying is occurring. What are they observing? What steps are taken to stop the behavior? If you are not satisfied with what is being done to remedy the situation, make suggestions about what you feel is needed and help be part of the solution.

Monitor your child's online and digital activity

Bullying doesn't just happen on the playground. It can be done through harassing text messages or Facebook pictures/posts. Know what your kids are doing online. Know who their contacts are online and on their phones. Having online social network accounts and cell phones are privileges, not rights. If your kids don't want to give you access to those contacts, do not allow them to have those means of communication. Read the posts and the texts and talk with your child about what is appropriate and inappropriate. If you find that your child is a victim, keep the records and show them to people who can help. Block those people from having access to your child. If you find that your child is being a bully, have that same conversation about what is appropriate and inappropriate and take away that means of communication until your child understands the seriousness of his/her behavior and can use it appropriately.

Remove your child from the situation if necessary

Changing schools may sound like a drastic step, but it may be the crucial step needed in order to save your child. The emotional and social wounds of bullying can run deep and even traumatize a child. Even teenagers have been so ruthlessly attacked that they have committed suicide. Do not think that simply because your child is older that he/she should be able to handle the situation. You may need to step in and take the big steps necessary to protect your child from further hurt and pain.

The fact is bullying has gotten worse and more ruthless than when we were kids and has taken on different forms. We must take the necessary steps to teach our children well while they are young and protect them when faced with physical or psychological bullying.

For help with bullying and other family counseling topics, contact Lotus Group to schedule an appointment.

You can see it every Sunday morning at the church nursery. A hurried parent comes to the door and puts down the diaper bag and tried to hand the child off to the nursery worker. The child cries and clings to the parent's shirt or pant leg, acting as if she is trying to avoid being fed to the lion's den.

The parent is then faced with a choice. Does he peel his little princess off his leg and give her a gentle nudge into the nursery and quickly shut the door and walk away? Or, does he decide to take his darling to "big church" with him?

While there are extreme cases of separation anxiety that require a specific response, probably the most helpful response is to allow the child to stay with the nursery worker. It is hard for a parent to walk away from a child who is expressing a need for proximity with the parent, but this exercise can actually help the child better bond with the parent in the long run.

By leaving the child with the nursery worker, even while the child is distressed, the child will eventually learn that the nursery is a safe place and that Daddy will return to get her shortly. The child will learn how to safely navigate the nursery without the protective oversight of her parent, which will give her a small taste of independence. When her father returns to retrieve her later, she will most likely not carry a grudge and rush to greet him with a hug and kiss.

Separation anxiety is very normal and most kids experience it first around the age of 6 months. It's at this time that babies are learning to recognize and prefer particular caregivers. It's during this learning process that parents can teach the child that the world is a safe place (generally speaking) and that she needn't fear.

It is tempting to save yourself and the nursery worker from a meltdown and simply take the child with you. However, you would be robbing the child of a rich learning experience. Taking the child with you may actually teach the child to be fearful of the world around her. It may also make separation more difficult during times in which you don't have the choice of taking her with you (on your way out the door to work or when she starts Kindergarten, for example).

Here are some tips to handling separation anxiety:

Take baby steps

If separation anxiety is a problem, try separating for just a few minutes at a time. You can practice at home. Put your child in a safe room or play pen. Give your child a hug and a kiss and promise your return. Leave for a few moments, up to a few minutes. Return and give another hug and kiss. Say something like, "See? Daddy came back to get you! You're just fine!" Then spend some time playing and engaging with your child. You can practice multiple times throughout the day until you can build up for longer periods of time.

Talk about the anxieties

Some older children struggle with separation anxiety when they head off to school for the first time. Talk with your child about what she likes about school and her worries. Is she worried you won't come back? Help her understand that you plan to be back to get her and tell her the time. Is she worried something will happen to you while you're gone? While you can't promise your complete safety, you can tell her that you'll be extra careful to be safe while you're apart so you can come back and get her at the end of the day.

Encourage a transitional object

Maybe your child has a favorite stuffed animal or blanket. Let your child take that transitional object. It may support a feeling of comfort and safety. Don't worry...there aren't many 12-year-old kids carrying around their blankies or teddy bears. Most kids grow out of the need for a transitional object.

Seek professional help if needed

Some children may struggle more with separation anxiety than others. For some, they have experienced a loss (could be the death of a loved one, separation through divorce, or even the death of a pet). This loss sparks a fear that something else will go wrong or someone else will leave them. So, they cling to those in their lives with whom they feel safe and loved. Other children who struggle with separation anxiety may have had tumultuous upbringings and subsequent attachment issues. With these situations, professional intervention is suggested.

1. Information on Confidentiality and Client Rights

During your first visit (possibly even prior to your first visit) the agency or counselor will give each client information about confidentiality and the client's rights. Much of what occurs in counseling is protected by confidentiality. There are some exceptions, which the counselor will go over (if the client is a minor, if the counselor suspects a child is being abused, if a judge issues a court order for a testimony or records from the counselor). The agency will also provide information about how records are kept, how the client can view the records, what (if any) information is shared with the insurance company or client's employer (if the client is using the employer's Employee Assistance Program), and how the client should be treated while receiving counseling services. Once this information is reviewed, the client will be asked to sign a consent form acknowledging that he/she has reviewed and understood the information.

2. Information about the Agency, Counselor, Structure

The counselor will most likely take some time to introduce him-/herself and explain his/her approach to treatment. The counselor may explain about his/her education and any specializations/certification he/she has earned. Information about how each session will be structured (is it an hour or a 50-minute session?) and what is expected of the client (will there be homework in between sessions?) will be explained during this first session as well.

3. Questions about the Client's Physical Health

There are many psychological symptoms that are connected to or have roots in physical issues. Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety Disorders, and Schizophrenia (and others) often involve chemical imbalances or genes that run in families. These disorders also have physical symptoms. People with depression or bipolar disorder may experience periods of sleeplessness or sleeping too much. They may also complain of eating too much or having no appetite. People experiencing anxiety disorders often report experiencing periods of heart palpitations, sweating, difficulty breathing, and chest pains. By asking about the client's physical health history, the counselor can get an idea about the client's general health and lifestyle and look for signs of particular disorders or problems. The client will be asked about his/her last physical exam, any medication being taken (name and dose and duration), and if the medication is being taken as directed.

4. Questions about Family History

As noted above, some psychological issues have a tendency to run in families. The counselor will ask the client about whether or not any first degree relatives (mom, dad, siblings) have been diagnosed with any mental health issues and what kind of treatment (if any) was sought.

5. Questions about Client's Symptoms and Treatment History

During the first appointment, the counselor will want to get a good idea of what brought the client in for services and what difficulties the client is experiencing. The counselor will ask numerous questions about the client's symptoms and complaints. This will help to guide the course of treatment. It is also necessary to determine if a diagnosis should be made, as many insurance companies, as well as Medicaid and Medicare often require a diagnosis in order to pay for services. The counselor will also ask if the client has sought treatment before. If so, the counselor will ask about the previous practitioner, what type of treatment was used, and the outcome of that treatment.

6. Questions about Client's Coping Skills and Support System

Aside from getting to know the symptoms and treatment history of the client, the counselor will want to explore the client's skills and support that will help during the change process. Lasting change does not occur in a vacuum and it often requires the help of others. The counselor will investigate what the client has tried on his/her own to get relief from his/her symptoms, what has worked in the past, what hasn't worked in the past, and whether or not the client has people within his/her support network to help throughout the change process.

7. A Time for Q & A

The counselor should also give the client an opportunity to ask questions about the therapeutic process. The client should be able to ask about what to expect in terms of appointments, how to contact the counselor, how each section will be structured, and anything else that will help make the counseling relationship go smoothly. There are no dumb questions when it comes to your mental health and understanding the therapeutic process. Be sure to ask questions and be honest. That is the only way the counselor can truly help.