The following email from our regular reader “Sachao” from Germany is a very inspiring success story about getting closure and your strength back after she had to face her Ex.

What would YOU do, if you ran into your Ex continuously after returning to a small town after 6 months no-contact?

Please read on.

My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 7 months when I had to go abroad for a semester (6months) to study. I was very excited to go to France and my ex, who had traveled a lot himself, was always very supportive.

Of course, it was a challenge: only together for 7 months and then me going away for 6 months, but I was pretty confident we would make it.

Before I went to France, my ex and I had a big talk: he was having doubts about me going away, and I wanted to clear it once and for all. I wanted to be sure that he really wanted to put in effort in our long distance relation.

During the talk, he stated he really wanted to go for it, make it work and wanted to continue with me. He proposed to book a holiday to Italy after I would come back from my Erasmus, and we booked a couple of weekends where I would return to him or when he would visit me in France.

For me, this was a confirmation that things were going well.

Full of confidence, I went to France.

The first 2 weeks were hard, but afterwards I started to enjoy myself. I noticed my ex and I weren’t having that much contact (he did not call me very often), but I thought he needed to build up his life without me and I needed to build up a life in France.

6 weeks later, out of the blue, my ex called me and said he was having doubts and that he couldnt do it anymore, that his feelings were different.

It was so out of nothing for me, I was totally shocked. He broke up with me over the phone, 5 days before I would return to him for a weekend, not giving me any explanation.

The last part was the hardest, the “I cannot do this anymore” was not enough for me. Why couldn’t he explain more?

Stunned and broken, he was my first love and I had had so much faith in us… how often he would say that what we had was special. And now, he just left me out of the blue. Pretty much without reason, he even said himself “i don’t know why i am doing is but I just can’t anymore”.

Being so far away from my friends and family made it even harder, although I had a lot of support from my friends in France.

The months afterwards I was broken, dazed and confused, but still enjoying my time in France, having no contact whatsoever with my ex. Still, it was influencing my time in France, which looking back, I blame my ex the most.

When the end of my Erasmus came near, I was getting anxious and scared to go back to my hometown, where my ex also lives and studies. And indeed, when I came back, the hardest part had yet to start. Being abroad was a good thing, but also gave me space to run away from my feelings.

When I came back the only people standing at the airport were my parents, my heart broke again. It was a confirmation that it was really over.

In my first week back, I immediately ran into him. I knew this would happen lots of times, since we have some common friends and live in the same small town in Germany.

After a few miserable weeks back in Germany, I HAD to break the no-contact rule. I had to talk to him. Not to get answers, I did not expect any answers, but to tell my ex what I thought of the way he handled it. A relationship break up over the telephone, out of the blue without giving me any time to ask something or to express my thoughts. I needed this for closure.

I already told myself that I was not going to break; I was going to be strong, tell him my thoughts, and walk away.

Luckily my ex responded positive, so we met up.

Strangely enough, when he was sitting in front of me, I was seeing a totally different person than with whom I was together. I told him all my thoughts, but in a strong and confident matter, like it did not bother anymore (which wasn’t true, but i did not want to show him my pain). I was so strong, and saw him looking like a lost young spoiled rich boy more and more.

He admitted everything: he was afraid because of the long distance, had panicked and acted in an impulsive way. For me it was clear that he was too immature and could not handle difficult things, that he was to weak to fight for something. He already had a new girlfriend, somebody who would never go abroad without him, a very ‘easy girl’ who would do anything he says. The opposite of me, but apparently he wants a less complicated relationship now.

I ignored the spark that was still there between us, stayed strong and walked out again. I never have felt so strong. He admitted everything, and I was again the strongest person.

He fell off his pedestal. For me, this was closure.

Now we can walk by and say ‘hi’, without any problems. Sometimes it still hurts a bit, but the way he acts and stands in life is just not for me. I want somebody who want to fight for me, somebody strong enough. Because he was my first love, I did not have any comparison. Now I know, that there are nicer and stronger guys then my ex.

What I want to say is that closure is really important. For me, this was the conversation. Everybody has to find their own closure. Breaking the no-contact rule is only a good thing if your only goal is closure, not getting back together or getting answers. It has to be closure for YOU.

Apart from closure, distraction is a good thing. Go do sports, or go traveling. Just do not run away from your pain, like I did in France. It will catch up and affect you even harder later.

I have become a more confident and strong person from this experience and now see it just as something everybody has to get through sometimes in life. I do not have a new boyfriend yet, but I am starting to enjoy being single again.

Everybody will get their portion of bad luck in life, and you will get through. But you have to WANT to get better, do not stay in the place of the dumpee.

Sachao

What Sachao did was risky and heroic at the same time.

To break no-contact in order to find closure is a noble intention, but unfortunately the reality is very often a different one. Truth is it can go terrible wrong. You walk into it too early or unprepared, you WILL be devastated. Usually I absolutely do not recommend it. It’s simply too risky and there are many ways to get closure without having to involve the Ex.

Luckily it worked out for Sachao and gave her her life back.

What she did was remarkable: she took control of her life.

She refused to be a victim and decided to be strong. She chose to take action instead of being passive.

She was rewarded for that by learning that her Ex isn’t the person she thought he was, that he wasn’t able to live up to her expectations. That gave her the strength to carry on.

Thank you Sachao for your inspiring story and all the best for your future.

What do you think? Is closure a must or simply too risky? Please comment below in the comment section.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

P.S.: By the way, if you have a similar inspiring story to share, please do so by contacting me. Thanks.

I wrote earlier about the necessity of pursuing a purpose in life and its significance for achieving happiness and a strong sense of self. Especially after a break up or divorce a new direction is important for gaining a new perspective in life.

The following short inspirational story reminds us what joy following your life purpose can bring into your life.

Author Joseph Campbell often talked about "following your bliss." I heard of a bus driver in Chicago who does just that.

He sings while he drives. That’s right… SINGS! And I don’t mean he sings softly to himself, either. He sings so that the whole bus can hear! All day long he drives and sings.

He was once interviewed on Chicago television. He said that he is not actually a bus driver. "I’m a professional singer," he asserted. "I only drive the bus to get a captive audience every single day."

His "bliss" is not driving a bus, though that may be a source of enjoyment for some people. His bliss is singing. And the supervisors at the Chicago Transit Authority are perfectly happy about the whole arrangement. You see, people line up to ride his bus. They even let other busses pass by so they can ride with the "singing bus driver." They love it!

Here is a man who believes he knows why he was put here on earth. For him, it is to make people happy. And the more he sings, the more people he makes happy! He has found a way to align his purpose in living with his occupation. By following his bliss, he is actually living the kind of life he believes he was meant to live.

Not everybody can identify a purpose in life. But when you do, and when you pursue it, you will be living the kind of life you feel you were meant to live. And chances are… you will be happy.

Find something you are passionate about, make it YOUR special life-purpose and combine it with helping others.

"Follow your bliss" and I will guarantee you that you will prosper.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

This article was found floating around on the Internet, unfortunately no information is available about the author.

Months, or even years after a relationship break up, we will fully realize the fatal mistakes we made right after it happened. Especially the panic controlled actions that made us appear as a different person – often we don’t recognize ourselves any more.

It can bring out the worst in us.

It usually happens that we hate ourselves later for the things we’ve done. This is understandable, but the wrong thing to do. Not only does it damage our self-esteem, which is urgently needed for the recovery, (what’s left of it), but it also destroys the new concept of self-love we are trying to build up.

Avoid these feelings by telling yourself that the past is the past, and concentrate on the NOW.

There is a famous quote where it says that one should learn from the mistakes OTHERS make and thereby avoid them.

On the other hand:

“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”
—John Powell

I believe that there are two kinds of mistakes: the kind that you can learn and evolve from, and the kind that should be avoided.

When it comes to post relationship break up mistakes, there are some which better be avoided.  The following fall into that category.

Here are the main mistakes most people make right AFTER a relationship break up:

Mistake #1: Panic Controlled Actions

Confronted by what we think is the worst that can happen to us, we do anything to fight it off: we plead, we beg, cry in front of our Exes, harass, stalk, write e-mails, IMs, etc.

All these things will make you cringe when you later think about it.

I think that almost every “Dumpee” makes these mistakes – I don’t think that they are completely avoidable. These are desperate actions by our “animal” part of the brain, fighting for survival.

The sad thing is that they are completely useless. I’ve never heard that a “Dumper” came back after the “Dumpee” wrote them a gazillion e-mails begging to have mercy.

If you’ve made these mistakes, don’t beat yourself up over them.   If you’re about to commit them, try to resist.

Mistake #2: Reassuring Love

We are committed to thinking that if they only KNEW how much we loved them, they would come back immediately, so we keep telling them – over and over again.

The only problem is, they KNOW. They’re breaking up anyway.

Breakups happen rarely because the “Dumper” thinks that they are not being loved. Constant reassurance only leads to humiliation.

Mistake #3: Hoping To Stay Friends

This is a very common mistake that is often made by those having little experience with relationship break ups.

I know that your Ex was your best friend, your intimate partner, the closest person to you. But it is impossible to maintain this kind of relationship AFTER the breakup. Everything has changed – nothing is as it was before.

You can’t count on your Ex any longer, because they will harm you more than they would help.

The good news is, you CAN find another support system: Look for old friends who used to be close. Your family should also be of great help.

Use every connection you have for support – you need it.

Mistake #3 leads us directly to the next one.

Mistake #4: Maintaining Contact

The no-contact rule is the number one precondition IF you want to get over your relationship break up fast.

Look at it like a drug addict: you can’t get clean with YOUR drug right in front of you.

I talk about this is more detail here.

Mistake #5: Use Your Exes Friends And Family

Out of the ambition to make sense out of all of it, we use their friends or their family. We interview, manipulate and try to use them for our purposes.

Besides the fact that they rarely know anything about the deeper reasons, it really is inappropriate to involve a third person in your breakup. This is something that’s between you and your Ex.

If you do this, you will regret it later.

Mistake #6: Rebound Relationships

Many people leapfrog into a new affair right after their relationship breaks up.

I absolutely do not recommend that.

It may appear that this is the best thing to do in order to get over your Ex but, believe me, the opposite is the case.

You will be constantly comparing to your Ex, everything will remind you of them and you will be frustrated, because NOBODY is as good as your Ex.  (This is an illusion of course).

It will throw you back and it will mask your pain, hiding you from the issues your breakup needs to resolve. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to work these things out. If you do, you have to face that problem again and again, from relationship to relationship.

For many people, healing will not start until they are alone with themselves, confronting their inner demons.

These are the main mistakes most people make right AFTER their relationship breaks up.

Please don’t beat yourself up if you’ve already made some of them.  Even if they should be avoided, some of these mistakes are part of the healing and learning process.

So even IF you will look back month/years later and regret a few things you’ve done, they might have been necessary to get you to the point you are today.

Now it’s your turn, tell me, which one if these mistakes have you made?

(Photograph is a courtesy of LunaDiRimmel)

Is checking your boyfriend or girlfriend’s email okay?

In a word, NO.

I would never give my boyfriend the password to my email address and he would never give me his. Is it because we don’t trust each other? No. We value our privacy and respect each other’s privacy. We trust each other completely.

Why is sharing your passwords with your boyfriend or girlfriend not the smartest thing to do?

A boyfriend innocently gives his girlfriend his password to his email so she can check something for him when he can’t get on a computer to get online. He doesn’t bother to change the password after, and the girlfriend remembers her boyfriend’s quirky password.

Somewhere down the road, she gets a little suspicion that he may be flirting with another girl. So what is the first thing she does? Checks his email of course. She may even try out the password on some of his other online accounts. She may find nothing, but ever since she first snooped, she begins to habitually check his email and becomes obsessive; addicted even. She knows it’s wrong but can’t help to use this to her “advantage” to keep an eye on her boyfriend. If her boyfriend found out she’d feel ashamed and embarrassed, but she can’t help but feel tempted to check her boyfriend’s email – and in a way she feels that as long as he doesn’t know she is checking his email, it’s “okay.”

Should she really be in this relationship if she can’t trust her boyfriend?

The above scenario happens all the time.

Frank and I give long distance relationship advice both on and off our site. We have come across quite a few snoopers along the way. Most snoopers are good people that acquired their boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s password innocently. If your boyfriend ever gave you his password, might you not feel tempted to go back and read his emails? Even if you had no reason to feel suspicious? For most habitual snoopers, once they start, they can’t stop.

That is why I advise people to not share their passwords with anyone, not even a boyfriend or girlfriend.

But what if you are a snooper, and you stumbled across something that indicates your boyfriend wasn’t truthful, or is talking to someone he shouldn’t be, or even cheating?

We say, confront him or her.

If you found evidence of his/her wrongdoings, let him/her know you know rather than keeping silent to avoid admitting that you’re a snoop.

Your relationship has problems: you have no trust and he/she is dishonest. Get everything out in the clear if you expect to salvage the relationship. A relationship cannot survive if there is secrecy, distrust, and dishonesty. You both did something wrong and now is the chance to make things right and get things out in the open.

Want to quit the snooping addiction?

Even if you haven’t dug up any dirt when you’ve snooped, you have to quit snooping. However, it can be hard to stop when you still know your boyfriend/girlfriend’s password – especially if something comes up that gives you the urge. If you’re snooping, you have trust issues and now is a better time than never to work on learning how to trust again.

As with any sort of addicting behavior, the only way to begin to overcome the addiction is to remove the source of temptation. Nip this in the bud as early as possible – you have to let them know about your snooping so they can change their password(s) to get rid of that temptation. As long as you know their password, you will always have that temptation there.

If they had nothing to hide, they will either take it well or they will be really upset that you didn’t trust them. However, like you, they’ll want you to be able to trust them and will be more keen to working with you on your trust issues.

Haven’t snooped yet?

If you haven’t snooped and are reading this because you are wondering if snooping is okay, or justifiable, the answer is an obvious no. If you ever want to find something out – if you have those sneaking suspicions your boyfriend or girlfriend is up to no good – then the only right way to handle the situation is to simply ASK.

Snooping is a symptom of a relationship with poor communication and trust issues.

When people come to us for long distance relationship advice, their problem is always related to poor communication. Couples tend to avoid talking about their individual concerns because they are afraid of rocking the boat: they are scared to ask questions that haunt their thoughts (eg. “Are you cheating on me?”). They resort to snooping to find out the truth, but how good is this evidence if you cannot use it against your partner because you do not want to let them know you are a snoop?

The best thing you can do is bring up your issues, talk them out, ask the questions you want to ask. Your relationship will benefit from it more than you will benefit from being quiet and letting the problems eat away at your relationship without a word.

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Let me tell you a little story about my visit to the mountains of Turkey many years ago.

I met this beautiful, intelligent girl from Turkey, with crazy dark curly hair. We had this great relationship going and one day she asked me if I would like to learn her origins and travel to Turkey with her. I said “of course”, and the next thing I know I was on sitting on an airplane on my way to Anatolia, (the mountain region of Turkey).

Over the next few days she showed me her beautiful country, full of nice people and breathtaking scenery.

We were on a mountain trip looking for her hometown when she suddenly asked me:

“How do you like my village?”

“What village?” I asked. “You mean the three cabins over there?”

“Yes” she replied, “this is where my parents grew up. My origins are right over there”.

We went to visit her grandparents. They were living in a very small house, which looked kind of decayed from the outside, but was surprisingly comfortable and well furnished on the inside. Not to our western standards, of course, but adequate and pleasant.

Her grandparents were very nice, but somewhat scary people. Do you know the type of elderly people, who seem to be able to look you in the eye and know all about you? What you are thinking, what you’ve done, what you will do? All of the world’s wisdom seemed to lie in them.

Especially her grandpa, with his white beard and stabbing blue eyes, as if he had jumped out of a fantasy movie.

Scary.

And I was sitting in front of them as the boyfriend of their loving grandchild.

After some meaningless chitchat, where no more than “yes” or “no” left my lips, her grandpa said something that I will never forget my whole life.

They seemed to have noticed that we were very in love- it was written all over us. He said with a meaningful attitude and very earnest, if not threatening:

“Pay attention that you do not love too much.  It’s never good to love someone too much”.

Then he stood up, walked to his grandchild, kissed her gently and left the room, without looking at me once.

Needless to say, I was quite shocked.

“What did he mean by that?” I asked my girlfriend later.

“You have to find out by yourself”, she replied. “My grandpa says mysterious things all the time. People are coming to him and asking for his advice all over the country. When he says something like this, it always has some meaning.”

Never love too much.

It absolutely didn’t make sense to me. To love someone was, for me, the ultimate altruistic gift you could possibly give. I desperately wanted to do that, to love someone until madness. It was my personal goal.

The Turkish girl and I broke up months after that for various reasons, to my regret, but I never stopped thinking about this strange event that happened in the mountains of Turkey.

A few years later I would find out the meaning of this sentence, and what it meant to me, in the most painful way.

After that devastating breakup I experienced, I suddenly realized why it is bad to have loved TOO MUCH, and it made perfect sense to me.

It’s bad because I lost myself completely. I lived through the other person, defined my happiness by the other person, and connected all my future and past to her.

That is loving TOO MUCH.

Every time you find yourself disconnected from the person you really are because of the relationship, then you are loving too much and it WILL lead into disaster.

Of course I do NOT mean that you shouldn’t give all the love you have, you definitely shouldn’t hold anything back, but don’t lose the person you are over it.

This is MY personal truth and interpretation of that mysterious phrase I heard so many years ago.

Do you think that it’s possible to love too much, until madness? I’d love to read your opinion in the comment section.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

(Photograph is a courtesy of KorayGokhan)

If it’s true that Love bears many similarities to a game, then it must also be true that being prepared and having a feeling of control of one’s position on the playing field are very important aspects of performing well. Perhaps there is no time other than when your team is behind, disoriented and otherwise being trampled that this feeling of confidence in your resources is more important.

The end of a relationship whether through separation or divorce is almost always difficult, and a large part of the feeling of difficulty is a result of the fact that the relationship however dysfunctional or broken it might have been, was in some way a safe, consistent place.  And now it is over, and the fear of the unknown is almost always intimidating. The men who come to our site, DadsDivorce.com, magnify the intensity of the romantic breakup as a result of the fact that the relationship in question is a marriage and supposed to last forever, there are co-mingled finances as well as emotions, and often, there are children involved.

A large part of the impact that our men feel when going through divorce is due to this loss of control that often accompanies it. Undisputed numbers suggest that over 85% of all divorces are initiated by the woman, and so we guys are often blindsided and forced to deal with this major life change with little or no preparation.

This means that we must then make decisions regarding attorneys and other members of our divorce team (you knew that it’s best, if possible to assemble a team, didn’t you?) on the fly. The fact that there is little time for preparation before we must hit the ground running (she’s already cruising along toward marital dissolution at 100mph), that we must respond thoughtfully and intelligently to her and her lawyer’s demands and requests for information, payment, and whatever else, that we hope our attorney is responsive and truly working to protect our best interests and the best interests of our children, that we are probably dealing with the emotional reality of somehow working this out for ourselves and with our children so that they continue to feel loved and secure while the real world caves in around them.

In an effort to manage this overwhelming sense of loss of control, DadsDivorce.com sponsoring partner, Cordell & Cordell, P.C., a law firm focusing on men going through divorce, is featuring a new addition to their already comprehensive services that is accessible via the DadsDivorce website.

A good divorce attorney, like a good doctor, empowers his client. He does not hide behind the veil of convenience simply because interacting with a client takes time.  It is important to have a legal as well as psychological, emotional and parental game plan if it is at all possible. But, given that most men have very little time for thoughtful planning, it is incredibly important that the lines of dialogue be open and free-flowing during these difficult times.

As a client, you will likely have many questions, comments or suggestions as to how your divorce case is managed.  In addition, the client deserves to know exactly what he is being billed for and what the balance is that remains in his account.  As well, the client needs organizational tools to help him build his case and to keep him informed of important upcoming dates, meetings, and court appearances.

The technology that allows a divorce client to interact with his or her attorney is emerging. Now, confidential files and lines of communication are able to be opened and accessed securely. With this in mind, Cordell & Cordell, P.C., is introducing their Client Collaboration Center on the DadsDivorce.com website. There, clients of Cordell & Cordell, P.C. will find immediate 24/7 access to their client records, an attorney/client forum that allows them to pose questions to their attorney at any time, a custody calendar that allows them to organize their lives around their children while keeping track of child support payments, doctors visits, school information and additional items, as well as all client billing information. The Cordell & Cordell Client Collaboration Center returns the control and confidence to a client who otherwise might feel out of his comfort zone and continually playing catch-up.

Most features of the Client Collaboration Center require representation by Cordell & Cordell, P.C.; however, the very valuable Online Custody Calendar is free and accessible to anyone who registers. It allows divorcing parents to keep records regarding their children, receipts, important dates, notes, and professional information regarding their children’s school, activities and medical care.

It is important for the sanity of an individual that he or she feel a sense of balance and control over their lives in order to get through the difficulties of a break-up or divorce. Counselors, networks of friends, and family can certainly help, but in the case of divorce or when child custody or assets are at stake as well as emotions, it is important to find an attorney with whom you can feel connected, in synch, and empowered.

Relationships end. They end all the time and for all sorts of reasons.  Despite our best intentions, sometimes people just aren’t compatible, or they have different life paths. In fact, most people don’t find “the one” until after a series of “failed” relationships.  Ending a relationship doesn’t make you a bad person, even if you fear that your partner will see you that way.

Too often, we stay long after we know we should leave, because we can’t stand to abandon someone we still care about.  The thoughts cycle through our head:

• “I don’t want to hurt her”
• “I feel responsible for him”
• “I can’t stand to make her cry”
• “He’s not going to be able to cope without me”
• “She’s such a good person and doesn’t deserve to have her heart broken”
• “He doesn’t have a good social support system to get him through this”
• “She’s going to hate me forever”

These feelings are natural, and show that you’re a caring, compassionate person.  However, this desire to protect your partner can keep you living a lie.  You owe your partner honesty and respect; you don’t owe him or her continued devotion when the relationship has expired in your heart and mind.

It can be especially difficult when you make a promise to your partner, and it conflicts with what your heart is telling you.  For example, what if you’re engaged, and you develop strong feelings that the engagement is a mistake?

I can’t tell you what to do in circumstances like that — major life decisions need to be taken on a case-by-case basis.  However, I can say that the feelings of regret and second-thoughts need to be brought out in the open with your partner.  Otherwise, the feelings will build, and you may come to unfairly resent your partner.  Don’t let guilty feelings silence you.

If you’re delaying a breakup, remember:

1. Heartbreak is a fact of life

As sad as it seems, we all sign-up for the possibility of heartbreak when we go into a relationship.  In fact, most relationships end in some form of painful feelings.  It’s futile to try to protect people from this, and any attempt to do so will only result in more pain.  In a way, heartbreak is a beautiful thing:  It shows us how vulnerable we are, and it makes the good times that much better.

2. If the roles were switched, you’d want to know ASAP

Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who secretly desires a breakup?  You deserve someone who wants to be with you, and so does your partner.

3. You’re wasting both your time and your partner’s time

You’re only becoming more invested as you stay.  You’re also taking up your partner’s time when he or she should be on the road to healing.

4. Nobody should have to fake their feelings

Withholding your feelings or pretending that everything is OK is stressful for you. What’s more, your partner can probably sense that something’s wrong.  Once you finally drop the news, it will be obvious that you weren’t acting authentic for a long time.  It will be painful when your partner realizes that you were “faking it” for him or her.

I hope you’re convinced that – once you know you that you want to leave – the breakup should happen sooner rather than later. I’ll be back with more tips for people dealing with the difficult issue of ending a relationship.

-Michael

I’m sure you have noticed it by now: the new design is finally live!

LovesAGame is nearly 2 1/2 years old, and I wanted something fresh and new. The old design was fine, but it lacked flexibility and I desperately wanted a recognizable logo and some fresh new colors.

After several tries with different logo-designers, nobody came up with anything I liked, so I simply sat down and created one on my own. I’m only a hobby designer so this undertaking was very risky, but I am pretty satisfied with it.  I hope you like it too.

Some new things we have now are a paged comments feature.  This is something the site desperately needed as one article has over 400 comments and the site took really long to load.

As we have avatars now, you might want your image to appear beside your comment. This is very easily done – just visit gravatar.com, sign up, upload an image and it will instantly appear beneath all your comments.

If you notice some errors or strange looking pages, please comment here or send me an e-mail.  I will try to fix it right away.

I also very much appreciate your opinion and suggestions.

Thank you!

Your friend,
Eddie

People know that the rule is essential, but are constantly fighting it – looking for loopholes to break it – which is understandable. Others, however, are reporting that the only thing that helped them to get over their Exes was following that particular rule.

It’s the most important precondition to healing from a break up or divorce.

I actually talk about this in detail in my free newsletter , but I just wanted to add some small things.

The problem with this rule is that we do not recognize its urgency in the beginning.  We only begin to understand after we have had some bad experiences with this “friend thing”.

Why do we aspire to stay friends with our Exes, even though we sense that it’s bad for us?

Let’s examine the “Dumpers” and “Dumpees” separately:

1. The “Dumpees”:

The dumpee wants to stay friends for the obvious reason: they don’t want to lose their Ex. If they can’t be with them as romantic partners, then why not as friends? This way they will be still around, and maybe it can be as close to as it was before. The secret hope is that they can turn them around somehow and get back together again.

I’m sorry to say that I have BAD news for you: It doesn’t work this way.

You really don’t want this for various reasons:

• The dumpers WILL treat you as a friend! Are you really prepared for that?
• They may take advantage of you for occasional sex without commitment, (this is especially true for male dumpers).
• You will have certain expectations they certainly can’t fulfill – you love them, but your Ex doesn’t return the feelings.
• You will constantly be looking for “signs” that there is still a chance, (this will destroy you in the long run).
• It will prolong, if not prevent your healing.

2. The “Dumpers”:

The dumper wants to stay friends for nearly the same reasons, only their motivation is different:

• They often want you around because they also don’t want to lose you.
• They want you as a safe fallback if something goes wrong in their lives, (if their new girl/boyfriend dumps them unexpectedly).
• Some want you still for occasional sex.
• They want to make it “easier for you”, (which of course backfires).
• They want to be around to “help” you.

Are these all legitimate reasons?

The Solution

The best thing a “Dumper” can do for the “Dumpee” is to refuse to maintain contact any longer. It’s easier for them to do so in the beginning, and it’s a sacrifice for their own good.

If you are the “Dumpee”, then make it clear to yourself that you don’t need another talk, you don’t need closure – all you need to know is that it’s over. You will realize the reasons for the break up, if not immediately, then after some time has passed.

This of course hurts like hell, but ultimately it’s better and easier for both parties.

Think about this.

Maybe you will have to make YOUR own experiences, maybe you will have to realize the hard way which choice is the better one – we often learn better by making mistakes.

Either way, I don’t want you to beat yourself up. See this decision as a milestone on your way to independence and happiness. A way that will be hard and rocky at times, but ultimately you will be proud of yourself, because you’ve made it!

Your friend,
Eddie

What IS a real man anyway?

Maybe it is the lonely “cowboy-type”, who rides through the wilderness, his horse is his only friend. (This type seems to be emotionally unavailable, thus not very useful to women. Have you ever seen the Marlboro Man with a girl in his arms)?

Or maybe it is the brave fireman, running into a burning house unselfishly risking his life to save others?

It is definitely NOT the “artist-type”, who lives in his own complicated world trying to express what is inside him, is it?

Whatever type it is, and I don’t pretend to know the answer, it seems that it’s defined by the skills you have and the action you take, rather than by your looks.

The magazine Esquire has put together a list of the 25 essential skills every man should ever have.

Some of them seem to be very useful and mannish, like for example “give a good massage”, ”wire a ceiling fixture” or “skin a moose”.  (While the latter seems to be the ultimate man-skill, I seriously question its usefulness – especially when you are living in a big town, but hey, you never know).

Others, on the other hand, seem not to make sense for the modern urban man at first glance, like for example “fell a tree” or “kill an injured animal”.

But, see for yourself and make your own opinion.

Here’s the link:

25 Skills Every Man Should Know

Whatever you do, whatever skills you acquire, remember: being a man starts first in your head… I think.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano