Years ago, I received a life-changing email. I don’t know who forwarded it to me, but it was one of those that you take a short look at and then delete it immediately.

Luckily for me, I took a closer look.

It was about a man who suddenly died from a heart attack and left a caring wife behind. They had such beautiful plans for their lives, experiences they wanted to make, places they hoped to visit. Now none of this was possible ever again.

The passage from this email that I remember most was, “Take out your sterling cutlery and use it NOW.  Don’t save it for ‘special occasions’, because the best time is NOW”.

This sentence symbolizes one of the most profound truths of life: Life is happening NOW, not tomorrow.  Be happy NOW, not sometime in the future.

Why is understanding this truth so essential for our own happiness?

Because all of our unhappiness, and every negative thought and emotion that we associate with it, exists only in the nonexistent past or future.

Think about it.

What really causes your unhappiness?

Isn’t it always something that is in the past or future? For example, if you are suffering from a recent breakup or divorce, isn’t your pain mostly grounded on the thought that you cannot make it alone in the FUTURE? And isn’t it also caused by torturing memories from the PAST?

“Problems are mind-made and need time to survive. They cannot survive in the actuality of the Now.” – Eckhart Tolle

The NOW is really the place where happiness lies. Only there are we completely free of judgment.

Happiness is an inward state of being – it is independent of feelings, thoughts, judgements and circumstances.

Try it for a moment. Just be in the Now.

It’s not so weird and esoteric as you may think. All it means is to still your “monkey mind” that is constantly jabbering, and let the still and silent observer who resides deep inside of you observe this very moment.

Observe everything that is around you. Observe the sun, the clouds, the ground under your feet, the people around you and especially observe the feelings, judgements and thoughts you are having about those things.

Recognize that all these feelings, judgements and thoughts are NOT you. You are the silent and still observer listening and watching it all.

This is the REAL you, who is at peace and NOT troubled by the hopes for the future and errors of the past.

Acceptance of this moment, embracing Now as it is, is where true happiness lies.

This is a big lesson of life.

Eckhart Tolle is a spiritual teacher and author of the bestsellers, “The Power of Now” and “A New Earth”. He had an unhappy childhood, and suffered most of his life from anxiety and suicidal depression, until one day he had a profound experience:

“I couldn’t live with myself any longer. And in this a question arose without an answer: who is the ‘I’ that cannot live with the self? What is the self? I felt drawn into a void. I didn’t know at the time that what really happened was the mind-made self, with its heaviness, its problems, that lives between the unsatisfying past and the fearful future, collapsed. It dissolved. The next morning I woke up and everything was so peaceful. The peace was there because there was no self. Just a sense of presence or “beingness”, just observing and watching.”

In his book “The Power of Now”, Eckhart Tolle describes his process of transformation from despair to self-realization – a guide to spiritual enlightenment.

I think that the ability of blending out past and future is essential for living a happy life. As I already wrote some time ago, you can achieve that in many ways – mainly by shifting your awareness.

Of course, it is not possible to flip a switch and no longer be bothered by a troubled past, but you can go in small steps. Every day take a little one. Until one day you have a state of mind that allows you to be in the present and to enjoy things truly NOW.

So, get out the sterling cutlery and use it NOW! You always wanted to travel to Italy? Do it NOW! You want to show your partner that you love them? Do it NOW!

Because NOW is all there is. NO yesterday, NO tomorrow. Only NOW.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

The concept of no-contact after a relationship break up is very similar to the main concept of alcohol or drug rehab, which is to avoid the very thing that you are addicted to.

In our case this means – get your butt as far away from your Ex as you can.

I’m sure you are having a pretty rough time with this. I certainly did.

There are times when you miss your Ex so much that it literally hurts. Picking up the phone and calling them would be so easy, wouldn’t it?

But would it also ease your pain?

No, it won’t.

Trust me, it won’t. On the contrary.

I can tell you something. There is NOTHING that your Ex can say to you that would abate your pain. They can only make it worse.

You really don’t want to know how they are doing, (it is really more than you can handle), and nothing that you are doing is going to impress or endear them to you.

Period.

What does No-Contact mean?

No-Contact means absolutely NO CONTACT with your Ex, either personally, by phone, email or short message. It means NO Facebook/MySpace-Stalking, NO Phone-Harassing and NO parking/driving by in front of their house, (more on this in my free newsletter).

Big NO, NO, NO to any of that.

But what should you do when it’s getting really tough, when missing your Ex is so unbearable that you are about to call them?

There are 3 proven methods that work in such a situation:

1. Distraction

The human brain can only concentrate on one thing at a time. So, if you are about to contact your Ex, have a list of prepared distractions ready which you can put in action immediately. Best are things where your brain is involved, where it has to figure out something, like research on a certain topic, quizzes, puzzles, etc.

The more work your brain has to do, the better the distraction.

2. Call A Friend

When you are close to calling your Ex, call a close friend or relative instead. They will talk you out of doing so.

3. Post HERE!

Let ME be your No-Contact Buddy.

Post in the comment section below:

• Your No-Contact Count (in days)
• Everything you want to say to your Ex, just yell it out! (No profanities please)

DO NOT CONTACT that Ex – put it all here! Unload all your anger and longing.

By sharing your No-Contact struggle with the LovesAGame Community, two things will happen:

1. You will find that the need for contacting your Ex will be much less
2. The replies of other readers will give you hope and strength

Having said that, now it’s your turn. Post below and let’s help each other.

Your No-Contact Buddy,
Eddie Corbano

Considering the growing number of daily comments on this site and the need to interact and connect with each other I’ve implemented a new comment system called “Disqus” (you’ve probably noticed that post comments don’t look quite the same as they previously did).

It is now much easier to reply to people, mark the comments you like (by clicking on the “like” button) and a whole bunch of other new things.

You can still post comments in the same manner as before by simply providing your name and email address (email address will still NEVER be revealed)

However, the new comment system has many new additional advantages for you:

• You can now easily log in via Facebook Connect, Yahoo!, Twitter or OpenID and also SHARE your comments
• You can sort comments, at your option, by Newest First, Oldest First, Popular Now and Best Rating
• We have now threaded comments and replies so that you can respond to other readers, indenting them under that comment
• You get notifications of new comments (as before) but you can now reply directly by email
• You can also easily subscribe to all comments without logging in, either by email or RSS feed
  (Important: If you have subscribed before, the notifications might not work any more, please subscribe again by checking. “Subscribe to all comments by email” under the comments box.)
• You can now edit your own comments

The best thing is (for me and for you) that IF you have a verified account (means you login via Facebook, Twitter, OpenID, Yahoo! or Disqus) you don’t have to wait that I approve your comment. It will appear immediately.

IF you want to stay anonymous and you still want to take advantage of some of the additional benefits you can also create a Disqus account. All you need is a valid email address for verification.

Creating a Disqus account also enables a number of additional benefits:

• You can share your comments by default via via Facebook, Twitter, Yahoo!, and many popular blogging platforms
• You can upload your own picture, use a previous Gravatar picture, OR use your Facebook or Twitter picture
• You can track and edit your comments across all websites that use Disqus

AND additionally stay anonymous.

You can sign up for Disqus on our site by following the instructions below:

Step 1: Underneath each post, there is a linked button for “Disqus”. (Note: If you’re already signed up and logged in, you won’t see this.) To create a Disqus account click the linked button that reads “Disqus.”

Step 2: After you click on the Disqus-Button, you’ll be prompted for your username and password. Instead, click the link below that says “Don’t have one? Register a new profile.”

Step 3: At the registration screen, enter an email address, username and password. Click the register button. As long as the username you’ve selected isn’t taken by another Disqus user, you’ll receive a verification email directly from Disqus.

After that you can edit your profile and change your display name.

Note: In order to view all the comments you’ve made with your Disqus account anywhere on the web, customize your Disqus profile and add features like avatars, go to your profile at Disqus.com and navigate the links on the left side or in the top nav bar.

All other features should be pretty self explanatory, if not, just write a comment or drop me an email.

I hope this new comments system will make it easier to help each other.

I’d love to hear your opinion on how you like the new comments system. Please comment below, thanks.

Your friend,
Eddie

“Is he into me or is he not?”

This may be one of the most asked questions in the dating game.

Especially for women it sometimes can seem almost impossible to tell whether a guy is interested or not. You can spend so much time trying to figure out ‘is he or isn’t he’ that the whole evening is spoiled and you still have no idea what the real answer is.

Luckily, there is something that can give you a clue whether a man likes you or not. It’s called “body language flirting“.

Body language flirting actually reveals all the answers you will ever want to know.

All you have to do is look for the following six signs. They are very clear, subconscious indications of male attraction, which most men have no control over, so they are very accurate.

One on its own will be a hint in the right direction, but if you see three or more then you should definitely take note!

The first sign is something that seems to be very obvious, but it will give you a good idea of his attraction towards you:

1. Is he smiling at you?

If the answer is yes then he is clearly interested in you. If a man has no interest in you whatsoever he won’t smile or try and engage you in this way.

This sign of male body language flirting shows you that he is aware of you and wants to get to know you better. So if you like him, the best thing to do is – of course – make sure you smile back!

2. How much preening is he doing?

This is another classic sign of body language flirting. If he likes you he will want to make sure he looks his best and makes that clear to you. By smoothing his hair down and paying more attention to his appearance, he is unknowingly sending a clear signal to you.

3. Is he trying to assert his masculinity?

Men who do this by standing with their feet apart and striking a macho pose are trying to look better than every other man in the room. Even if you only have eyes for him, he will still strike this pose in order to appear as the best choice of the men who are available in the room.

It might sound strange but this is very similar to how things work in the animal kingdom too. If he is doing everything he can to stand out from the crowd you can be sure that he likes you.

4. Where do his feet point?

When a woman sees a man and wonders whether he is attracted to her, the last thing she will probably be looking at are his feet!

But in fact that is exactly where you should look, because they can tell you a lot about the feelings of the man they belong to. If they are pointing towards you, this is a good sign of body language flirting because they tell you he is interested. If they are pointing away from you then you should start looking elsewhere because he has no interest at all.

This is a little known fact.

5. Is he making good eye contact?

Most people know about eye contact, but it is very important to understand exactly how this works. If a man is not attracted to you then he will have no reason to look at you. This much makes sense.

If he is attracted to you however, he will make more eye contact because of that attraction. But he may also keep looking away if you catch him looking at you. Don’t take that as a sign he isn’t interested though; in fact it is a very good sign because he feels self conscious that you caught him peeking!

Body language flirting is easier to spot in eye contact than in some of the other signs at times. So watch out for it.

6. Has he accidentally or briefly made actual bodily contact with you?

This is a big one.

Have you ever wondered why a man is seemingly accidentally touching you?

A gentle touch on the arm, brushing past you on his way across the room… there are many ways that a man will use body language flirting by making actual contact with you. It’s called kinesthetics (kino), and it’s an obvious sign of attraction.

Conclusion:

There are body language flirting signs a man unconsciously gives that you can look for. It will give you a pretty good picture IF a man is in to you or not.

If you put several of the above signs together, and you can see them in the man you have your eye on, you could well be in store for some exciting times ahead, (whatever you do, be sure to learn the 10 Secrets About Men though).

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

(Photograph is a courtesy of bricehardelin)

The no-contact rule.

An outstanding concept in theory, yet so difficult to put into action. No other rule shapes the outcome of our recovery more than this one, the rule is a precondition for our survival.

But why is it so hard to follow? Why do we come up with excuses NOT to follow it, even if we know how important it is?

The addiction to one person is not easy to overcome. It takes determination, strength and foremost -the insight on a deeper level that we cannot go on like this any more, without losing ourself completely.

The following success story from AJ is about following and NOT following the no-contact rule, and how important a support system can be:

Dear Eddie,

Several years ago I did the stupidest thing possible. I started dating my boss. My company had a strict no dating policy for its employees, but my boss convinced me that no one needed to find out. He pursued me like crazy, until I gave in.

We were together over six years and amazingly (as far as I know) no one ever knew about it. We were very careful–my boss bordering on paranoid sometimes. I only told one friend about it, although I never told my boss that I shared our secret. Once the newness of the relationship wore off, he was terrified of losing his job and extremely careful about everything. Even his mother didn’t know about me!

As anyone but me might have expected, he eventually decided he could no longer “live the lie.” Rather than looking for a new job or helping me to find one, he chose to break off the relationship. I was devastated. Of course I had very little support, since I hadn’t told most of my friends or any of my coworkers about him. His office was next to mine and I’d hear him laughing and joking with other women through the thin walls. It was beyond horrible. I can’t even describe the sick, sinking feeling I’d get in my stomach every day.

He took another job a year later, but I still saw him occasionally because we traveled in the same business circles. And I’d like to say that business meetings were the only times I had to deal with this guy, but I was my own worst enemy. I called him for the stupidest reasons. I’d linger after meetings hoping to speak with him. But he’d walk right past me and I’d inwardly fall apart. No matter how much time passed, the feelings of devastation were always the same. I can’t tell you how many times I sat in my car and cried in parking lots. And it went on for over a year.

I tried not to call him, but I’d always give in. You would think I’d have learned from the horrible way I felt after each of these calls, but I didn’t. The worst of it was that sometimes he’d give me a little grain of hope (“let’s meet for lunch”). My entire world would come crashing down when the hope got dashed. (“Sorry. Something came up. I’ll call you in the next month or so.”). Talk about letting someone else determine my happiness! I should have just given him a remote control.

Finally, my friend said, “Look. Calling this guy isn’t getting you anywhere except that it makes you feel terrible. So I’ll tell you what. Next time you want to call him, call me instead. I’ll pretend to be him–I think I can reject you as well as he can, you’ll get the same results but feel better about it.” I didn’t put much stock in her idea, but I was desperate enough to try anything. So, the next time I wanted to call the guy, I called my friend. She was so like him, so coldly rejecting and horrible that I had to laugh. It was so much more fun than calling him ever was. I’d hang up laughing instead of feeling like a spineless rejected glob.

It still wasn’t easy. The only thing that helped was that I kept telling myself he’d be expecting my calls. I reasoned that every time his phone rang, he’d expect it to be me. But it wouldn’t be! I didn’t want him to even see my number on his cell phone or caller ID. Nothing. I thought it might bother him that I’d dropped out of his life so quickly. I don’t know if it bothered him at all, but it sure made me feel like I had some power back. I think that feeling powerless was the worst part of our breakup.

I took a job in another city, which also made me feel better, probably because I stopped hearing his name. I started dating again. I worked hard to stay busy so I’d have no energy left over for worrying about him.

Within a few months I was pretty happy with my life, something I never would have believed possible. But then (and this is, to me, the important part) I ran into my ex-boyfriend at a business convention. By now a lot of time had passed–over two years. I accepted his invitation to dinner, thinking I was past my feelings for him. But, as usual when it came to this guy, I was completely wrong. By the time the conference ended, I was the same needy person I’d been two years before. My ex-boyfriend gave off mixed signals, but I figured out pretty quickly that he didn’t want a serious relationship with me. He wanted me to get him a better job (I professionally outranked him now).

Anyway, it was heartbreak all over again! I couldn’t believe the feelings came back so quickly and that all the work I’d done hadn’t moved me past him. I didn’t have to quite start over, but it was way too close! I learned then and there that breaking the no contact rule ever (!) is a really bad idea. I also learned that logic and reasoning have nothing to do with how you feel. They can help control your actions, but there was nothing I could do to talk myself out of my attraction to him once he was in front of me. And boy oh boy did it hurt when I figured out the real reason for the dinner.

My friend, who had been quoting to me from your website, finally told me to read it for myself. So I followed her advice. Reading about the reasons for no contact, as well as learning from the stories of others, helped me. So did the newsletters–I learned something from every one. I recovered a second time. Even so, I have finally learned why it’s important to never see or speak with my ex-boyfriend again. He’s called me a few times (must still be job hunting!), but I don’t pick up when I recognize the number. I delete his messages without listening to them–way fun! I figure maybe it’s some sort of addiction, like alcohol. Whatever it is, not seeing this guy at all, ever, is the best thing I can do for myself. I’m engaged to a great man now –and very happy, but still not taking any chances.

Apart from having lived the benefits of no contact, I want to say that if I can recover and be happy again, then so can anyone. I was about as far gone as a person can get. Needy, dependent, desperate, begging–those all described me–and over a prolonged period too!

Getting myself out of the cycle of contacting him, having hope and getting crushed was the best thing I ever did. It gave me my sense of power back. And, most importantly, it worked. Thanks for being there for all of us, Eddie. I’ve definitely learned that your advice is right on.

AJ

I hope AJ’s story gave you some inspiration and insight about the importance of the no-contact rule, and that you are one step closer to following it with the necessary devotion.

Your friend,
Eddie

"The purpose of life is to live a life of purpose"
—Richard Leider

A very close relative once told me that one should learn from the mistakes others make, rather than from your own. It took me a long time to discover that this was not true.

As a child, you learned the hard way that putting your hand on a hot stove top is a bad idea. If you had not made this particular mistake, wouldn’t you have wondered what that might feel like your whole life?

On the other hand, it doesn’t seem to be a good idea to jump in front of a driving truck only to experience that this was not such a good idea.

I think that there are certain mistakes you have to make by yourself. Only then will you be able to catch a glimpse of the true nature of that particular situation along with its consequences, and you will be able to learn from it.

If you take this thought a little further, doesn’t this mean that one should make as many mistakes as they can in order to learn as much they can?

Albert Einstein said:

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."

Therefore, life is about experiencing the new, about making mistakes and about learning from them.

There are many road signs on the way which are trying to help us make the right decisions. We are bombarded with rules of guidance.

There is religion, family, the government, society, the media – EVERYONE is teaching us about moral and ethics and how you should basically live your life.

The "modern urban" society has especially imposed unwritten rules upon us which, very often, betray us by the life we, as free human beings, should be living. I believe that we should break the chains of society more often and leave one’s comfort zone in order to find the "unknown". It is there, where the "magic" happens.

When we don’t have the comfort of the known around us, feeling so secure, then something very uncomfortable happens, we are confronted with this thing we all know so well:

Fear.

But by facing what we fear, we learn priceless life-lessons from which we will benefit our whole lives.

Right after my experience, I learned more about myself and life in particular than I had in all the time before that.

The unknown and pain will make you wiser.

The following 7 life rules I learned the hard way. Like putting your hand on a hot stove. These are born out of mistakes, pain, tears and fear.

I list them here not because I wanted to tell you how you should live your life, but because I want to show you a new perspective.

Maybe some of these life lessons may appeal to you, and you are willing to think about them. Maybe they don’t make sense to you, and you will still have to make these mistakes for yourself. Either way, they show you how good things can be born out of pain.

So here they are, my personal 7 life rules:

The reason why you are reading this article full of quotes about moving on after a break up is probably because you’ve experienced a painful break up and you feel the need to move on, but – as often in life – this is easier said than done.

The hardest step in the arduous journey of break up recovery is this one painful decision to finally let go. It’s this single decision that means the difference between learning form this devastating experience or dwelling upon the negative for a long time, risking that this whole process might happen again in your future relationships.

The difficult part about moving on after a break up is that it takes a conscious decision.

It’s so much easier to hold on to the known, the hope that they will come back, rather than to find yourself cut off from your comfort zone.

Moving on, and letting go is exactly that – going out into the unknown, alone, without the one you used to love by your side.

Before you can take this important step, it helps if you are fed up back to the teeth with being powerless, dependent and so helpless about what is happening to you. This will give you the strength to take action, and this will to get a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.

Will it be easy after that?

No. But you will have made a major leap towards independence and healing.

The following quotes about moving on after a break up can help you with that step.

If you are a regular reader, you will notice that we’ve had some articles with uplifting quotes before, but none so far about moving on after a break up.

So, enjoy.

12 Uplifting Quotes About Moving On After A Break Up:

1.

"Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard."
-Dave Mustaine

This is from the song "A Tout Le Monde" by Megadeth.

2.

"Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along."
-Anonymous

This quote addresses one of the biggest dangers of suffering from a break up: not believing in love anymore and shutting down your heart.

This is wrong, because there is always someone out there better than your Ex, someone who will meet your needs perfectly. Whether we believe it or not.

Turning away from love out of fear means saying "NO" to life.

3.

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving"
-Albert Einstein

Passivity means death, activity is living. If you are passive, you allow negative things to come into your life.

Keep riding the bike.

4.

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore"
-Christopher Columbus

This is one of my favorites.

In order to grow and to experience, one must leave his comfort-zone. Very often this means that you have to do what you are afraid of in order to find what you didn’t know you were looking for. This takes a lot of courage.

Ask yourself, who would Columbus be today if he hadn’t had the courage to lose sight of the shore back then?

5.

"Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart"
-Washington Irving

Love is like positive energy, and like energy is never lost in this universe.  It only changes it’s form, and so does love.

Love is a positive choice, and love always attracts more love. This is a fact. (Now I sound like Deepak Chopra).

6.

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us"
-Alexander Graham Bell

This is so true.

We often focus and dwell too long upon negative events in our lives, the "whys" and "what ifs", that we don’t allow new positive things to come into our lives.

We have to open our eyes and say "YES" to life more often.

7.

"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken, and I’d rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken pieces as long as I lived"
-Margaret Mitchell

Margaret Mitchell wrote Gone With The Wind.

"What is broken is broken".  This is often so hard to accept and yet so true.

8.

"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can’t go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches."
-Anonymous

All experiences, be they positive or negative, define who we are as a person. You can’t carry your unfinished past with you if you want to grow. Especially when entering a new relationship.  You need to have gotten over past negative experiences. If you haven’t, then chances are that they will bite you in the lower back eventually.

9.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
-E.M. Forster

One of the hardest things to do after a break up is to let go of the bright future that you’ve planned out together.

10.

"Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself."
-Deborah Reber

We don’t have any control over our Exes. If they want to leave, we have no power to hold them back. All we can do is to accept, let go, heal and aspire to be a better person.

11.

"Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult. Yet strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go."
-Len Santos

What is easier, holding on or letting go?

12.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

This is the only way to overcome fears: first by doing and facing what you fear and then by gaining the confidence that no matter what comes your way, you can handle it!

I hope you’ve enjoyed the 12 quotes about moving on after a break up and that you’ve found some inspiration and help to do the most vital step in your recovery process – to let go and move on.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

(Photograph is a courtesy of Anna Gay)

“What about love?”
“Overrated. Biochemically no different than eating large quantities of chocolate.”
—Al Pacino (The Devil’s Advocate)

Have you ever dreamed of the perfect partner, the ultimate romantic love in the perfect relationship? A partner who is your missing part, the one that fulfills you and makes you complete? Who’s been waiting their whole life just to meet you, and by your bond, a door in heaven opens for you?

Welcome to the club. You are not alone.

Please read the following email from a dear reader:

Throughout my break-up there’s a concept that’s really been holding me back, “the one”. I’ve always believed it but after this break-up I’ve come to question it. I was so sure my ex was the one, and I was so sure he would never hurt me like this.

If I ever find love again, how will I know if that person really is the one? I had no doubt in my mind that he was the one, in fact part of me still believes it, but how can I ever be sure of anything in a relationship if I was so certain last time and so wrong?

I too suffered from the same disease: believing in an unrealistic picture of “Love”.

The Concept Of “The One”

Since I was little, I believed in the concept of finding “the one”.

I knew exactly how this whole thing was going to play out: I would accidentally run into a beautiful and charming girl one fine day, (or maybe she would knock at my front door), look into her face and realize immediately that we were meant for each other. She would be “the one”. The following life together would be one of fulfillment and eternal love.

Heaven on earth in the arms of a woman.

Please take a look at the following little story from the ancient Greek about the origins of true love which I read long time ago:

The Origin of Love

There was Aristophanes’ Androgyny, Plato’s anecdote on the origins of love and mankind. The story recounts the primordial androgyny, mythical creatures with four arms, four legs and two heads. They epitomized completeness and were able to do almost anything. However, their pride in their abilities angered the gods and caused Zeus to cut them. Separated in two, they were destined to drift alone, empty and incomplete, longing for their former halves. For Plato, the androgyny is the symbol of wholeness, and the pursuit of it, is what love is.

Isn’t this beautiful? This story always fascinated me.

The problem here was that I took the whole thing too much to heart. I was looking for my missing half.

Did it worked out that way for me? Do I still believe in it, and does it have to be a bad thing doing so?

I will tell you in a minute.

First, I have a question for you: what do YOU think is the definition of true love, and is there such thing as “the one”?

Not so easy to answer, is it?

There is a scientific categorization from a renowned sociologist about the six types of love.

According to John Lee, there are six different types we can distinguish.

Six Types Of Love

1. The sexual love called “Eros”

The focus here is a sexual one where looks are more important than anything else. It is based on aesthetic enjoyment.
2. The love of the players called “Ludis”

These people tend to change partners frequently and are never attached to anyone. They like the game and the conquest.
3. The companionate love, the “Storge”

The warm and affectionate love you feel for a sibling or a best friend.
4. The obsessive love, the “Mania”

It’s an extreme form of love where the lover possesses the other completely and wants their partner’s attention constantly. This is usually driven by low self-esteem.
5. The love called “Pragma”

This type of love is realistic, the lovers are looking for a match referring to personality and values.
6. The altruistic love, the “Agape”

Unselfish as it is, it accepts people as who they are and does not try to change them without asking anything in return.

By looking at the list, you can easily assign what types of love you have felt in the past. Let me take a wild guess: Was it one of the first four?

“It’s Christmas time, there’s no need to be afraid”.

We all know this line from the song. It sounds good, and of course there is no reason to be afraid of “the most wonderful time of the year” is there? Unless you are alone, suffering from a recent break-up or divorce, facing your first holidays alone.

What used to be a feast of love spent together with your loved ones is now an experience of lingering sadness and depression. Like Hugh Grant’s character in About a Boy said: “I was going to spend this Christmas the way I usually did. Watching videos and getting drunk and stoned”.

Welcome to the holiday depression.

But wait!

I don’t want to paint that picture to you, because it’s simply not true. It doesn’t have to be this way. As a matter of fact you choose how it’s going to be.

The trick to surviving the holidays alone is to free yourself from the expectations and pictures of the past.

I used to spend quite a few holidays alone, and I survived them by shifting my own perception of what they should be: I took them as a few free days, where I could finally do something for myself that I always wanted to do, but never had the time for.

This is the key to survival.

It doesn’t mean that you have to betray the spirit of Christmas, (The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come will not hunt you down). I’m only suggesting that you replace the memories bound to the holidays regarding your Exes.

Make a list of all these things you’ve always wanted to do. Then make a schedule when you exactly plan to do them and stick to it.

The key is to not allow yourself to dwell on the past, or concentrate on what you don’t have. Think about the things and people around you that you do have in your life.

These are my tips for surviving the holidays alone.

You need more opinions?

Here are more useful thoughts on how to survive the holidays alone:

Sandra Kiume at “Psychcentral” mentions in her article 7 Ways to Deal with Holiday Grief ,(it’s about coping with the death of a loved one, but can also be used for break-up/divorce situations), that it’s important to realize that:

Things won’t be the same. It’s normal to feel at odds with yourself and family events when dealing with grief. Do not isolate, but limit involvement when you need to and plan new events.

Take care of yourself. Stress, depression and bodily neglect are not a great mix at any time of the year.

Think about building some new traditions. Remember that it’s okay not to do what you traditionally do. Planning something totally different is not an insult to the memory of a loved one and can be a positive way to ease some of the pressure.

Gretchen Rubin from “The Happiness Project” speaks of nine tips for lifting yourself out of the holiday blues. Some of these include:

3. Go outside to exercise.

6. Learn from the past.

7. Make time for real fun.

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen gives 5 tips for Surviving Christmas Depression, including:

2. Surviving Christmas Depression: Stay Active

3. Surviving Christmas Depression: Start New Traditions

The best article talking about this matter, in my opinion, is from Patty E. Fleener with How to Survive the Holidays. She gives 16 specific tips that she says she could have done when she was spending holidays alone. Some of these include:

1. Done something for someone else, such as volunteer at a soup kitchen, or visiting lonely shut-ins.

2. I could have looked for someone beforehand who might also be alone, to share the day with.

8. Read or watched TV – anything to get my mind off of the day.

10. Screamed into a pillow or ripped up newspaper if it made me feel better.

14. Paint your home or apartment. Do some project, especially if it is physical and can keep your mind busy. Pay your bills, write letters, etc.

There – you have some tips on how you can prepare yourself to not only survive these holidays, but come out of it with more hope and will to improve your life in the year to come.

It’s no shame to be alone at Christmas – take it as a further step on your journey to self-improvement and a better life.

If Hugh Grant did it in About a Boy, so can you.

Happy Holidays to you all and take care of yourself.

Your friend,

Eddie Corbano

The following email from our regular reader “Sachao” from Germany is a very inspiring success story about getting closure and your strength back after she had to face her Ex.

What would YOU do, if you ran into your Ex continuously after returning to a small town after 6 months no-contact?

Please read on.

My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 7 months when I had to go abroad for a semester (6months) to study. I was very excited to go to France and my ex, who had traveled a lot himself, was always very supportive.

Of course, it was a challenge: only together for 7 months and then me going away for 6 months, but I was pretty confident we would make it.

Before I went to France, my ex and I had a big talk: he was having doubts about me going away, and I wanted to clear it once and for all. I wanted to be sure that he really wanted to put in effort in our long distance relation.

During the talk, he stated he really wanted to go for it, make it work and wanted to continue with me. He proposed to book a holiday to Italy after I would come back from my Erasmus, and we booked a couple of weekends where I would return to him or when he would visit me in France.

For me, this was a confirmation that things were going well.

Full of confidence, I went to France.

The first 2 weeks were hard, but afterwards I started to enjoy myself. I noticed my ex and I weren’t having that much contact (he did not call me very often), but I thought he needed to build up his life without me and I needed to build up a life in France.

6 weeks later, out of the blue, my ex called me and said he was having doubts and that he couldnt do it anymore, that his feelings were different.

It was so out of nothing for me, I was totally shocked. He broke up with me over the phone, 5 days before I would return to him for a weekend, not giving me any explanation.

The last part was the hardest, the “I cannot do this anymore” was not enough for me. Why couldn’t he explain more?

Stunned and broken, he was my first love and I had had so much faith in us… how often he would say that what we had was special. And now, he just left me out of the blue. Pretty much without reason, he even said himself “i don’t know why i am doing is but I just can’t anymore”.

Being so far away from my friends and family made it even harder, although I had a lot of support from my friends in France.

The months afterwards I was broken, dazed and confused, but still enjoying my time in France, having no contact whatsoever with my ex. Still, it was influencing my time in France, which looking back, I blame my ex the most.

When the end of my Erasmus came near, I was getting anxious and scared to go back to my hometown, where my ex also lives and studies. And indeed, when I came back, the hardest part had yet to start. Being abroad was a good thing, but also gave me space to run away from my feelings.

When I came back the only people standing at the airport were my parents, my heart broke again. It was a confirmation that it was really over.

In my first week back, I immediately ran into him. I knew this would happen lots of times, since we have some common friends and live in the same small town in Germany.

After a few miserable weeks back in Germany, I HAD to break the no-contact rule. I had to talk to him. Not to get answers, I did not expect any answers, but to tell my ex what I thought of the way he handled it. A relationship break up over the telephone, out of the blue without giving me any time to ask something or to express my thoughts. I needed this for closure.

I already told myself that I was not going to break; I was going to be strong, tell him my thoughts, and walk away.

Luckily my ex responded positive, so we met up.

Strangely enough, when he was sitting in front of me, I was seeing a totally different person than with whom I was together. I told him all my thoughts, but in a strong and confident matter, like it did not bother anymore (which wasn’t true, but i did not want to show him my pain). I was so strong, and saw him looking like a lost young spoiled rich boy more and more.

He admitted everything: he was afraid because of the long distance, had panicked and acted in an impulsive way. For me it was clear that he was too immature and could not handle difficult things, that he was to weak to fight for something. He already had a new girlfriend, somebody who would never go abroad without him, a very ‘easy girl’ who would do anything he says. The opposite of me, but apparently he wants a less complicated relationship now.

I ignored the spark that was still there between us, stayed strong and walked out again. I never have felt so strong. He admitted everything, and I was again the strongest person.

He fell off his pedestal. For me, this was closure.

Now we can walk by and say ‘hi’, without any problems. Sometimes it still hurts a bit, but the way he acts and stands in life is just not for me. I want somebody who want to fight for me, somebody strong enough. Because he was my first love, I did not have any comparison. Now I know, that there are nicer and stronger guys then my ex.

What I want to say is that closure is really important. For me, this was the conversation. Everybody has to find their own closure. Breaking the no-contact rule is only a good thing if your only goal is closure, not getting back together or getting answers. It has to be closure for YOU.

Apart from closure, distraction is a good thing. Go do sports, or go traveling. Just do not run away from your pain, like I did in France. It will catch up and affect you even harder later.

I have become a more confident and strong person from this experience and now see it just as something everybody has to get through sometimes in life. I do not have a new boyfriend yet, but I am starting to enjoy being single again.

Everybody will get their portion of bad luck in life, and you will get through. But you have to WANT to get better, do not stay in the place of the dumpee.

Sachao

What Sachao did was risky and heroic at the same time.

To break no-contact in order to find closure is a noble intention, but unfortunately the reality is very often a different one. Truth is it can go terrible wrong. You walk into it too early or unprepared, you WILL be devastated. Usually I absolutely do not recommend it. It’s simply too risky and there are many ways to get closure without having to involve the Ex.

Luckily it worked out for Sachao and gave her her life back.

What she did was remarkable: she took control of her life.

She refused to be a victim and decided to be strong. She chose to take action instead of being passive.

She was rewarded for that by learning that her Ex isn’t the person she thought he was, that he wasn’t able to live up to her expectations. That gave her the strength to carry on.

Thank you Sachao for your inspiring story and all the best for your future.

What do you think? Is closure a must or simply too risky? Please comment below in the comment section.

Your friend,
Eddie Corbano

P.S.: By the way, if you have a similar inspiring story to share, please do so by contacting me. Thanks.