Loves of Life

Christmas Times 2018- Our Video & The weighty feels

2018-12-27T12:06:00.001-05:00

On Christmas night Declan and I were laying around by the fire once the kids were in bed looking at videos of our fam on the East Coast--and getting into the weeds of, "are we ruining our kid's lives by living so far from family?" I don't know-there's something about the last two months out of the year, every time they roll around, that just make us feel nostalgic and gives us all the weighty-feels.

Every other time of the year we are fine. So fine. We are loving life and happy here and busy and--all the regular family and life stuff, you know? But the holidays have this way about them. I don't even know if this makes sense.

We talked about how Christmas felt magic to us as kids-and it wasn't because of Santa or any of that, but because of the traditions. Familiar things that happened year after year--people who came into town, the cozy-magic of special dinners and desserts and treats that only came once a year. I wonder, I HOPE that our kids will think back on Christmas and it will have those feelings. But I honestly don't know, and as silly and menial as it sounds to (type) say this out loud, it feels like a massive responsibility as a parent-and one I don't wanna screw up.

This holiday was weird and special. Emeline got her tonsils out, so we literally didn't leave the house for 7 days. She was (is) in pain, and it's been a whole lot of laying around and not doing much. My mom and dad also came into town and spent Christmas with us which was so sweet, and they're pros at snuggling kids and not getting too antsy. So it was perfect.

But after I put together our annual Christmas Times video yesterday--I felt the heavy weight of "did we do ANYTHING special this year" lift off of me. This is why I love making these videos. It actually reminds me of so much of the tiny holiday magic we made and I had forgotten! And, the chaos of the moments disappears when you see them in tiny snippets of their sweet smiling faces. You're left with happy, sweet memories that make your heart warm and remind you you're doing alright.

So here's our video this year:

It has been so fun to see so many of you tag me in your videos or let me know you've used my blog post from last month to make your own recap video. Sweet memories in motion you can watch over and over and feel. Gives me the warm fuzzies.

Ditching the Holiday Hustle

2018-12-13T17:35:00.000-05:00

(I wrote this for my Church's blog here-but decided to post it on my personal blog, too! :))

My phone pings. I look down and notice another event added to our family calendar by my husband and I feel a little tension rise in my chest. It starts to bring up the list of things. I have to find another babysitter. I need to make another appetizer. I need to find cute dresses for the girls for Christmas Eve. I need to remind Declan to work from home the day of the holiday performance. I need to buy gifts for the grandparents. Oh crap--don't forget about the teacher gifts--you must remember the teachers.

The list goes on.

The holiday is literally just beginning and I can already feel the hustle creeping in. We sing songs about Peace on Earth but most of us likely feel very little peace in a season with so much expectation, so much to do, so many extras-on top of our already intense everyday lives.

The idea of Christmas for most people brings all the warm fuzzy thoughts, cozy fires, hot cocoa and cookies and watching ELF on repeat. It means spending time with your loved ones and candle-light services, parties and holiday concerts, and picking out that special gift you know someone will love. But the idea of it isn't always how it ends up feeling -you know what I'm saying?

Every year I tell myself to slow down, appreciate the season of Advent. That this will be the year I do it right, really teaching my children intentionally about it; the expectant waiting and preparation for the celebration of Jesus. But every year--without fail--the hustle gets us, and screws it all up.

So how do you enjoy and truly reflect on what Christmas means and not let busyness win? If you figure it out, let me know. But here is our plan:

We took the girls out of extras this month. No gymnastics, less dance practices. (already taking a deep breath just thinking about it)

We will be reading a family Advent Devotional together. Hold me to it.

We will say no to obligations that don't bring us joy.

We will be staying in town. Less travel=less stress (especially for a family of 5)

No more extra gift giving for our family members. (Instead of exchanging gifts with all my siblings and their children, for example, we put the money we would have spent into a pot and do something good with it. Send some YoungLife kids to camp, maybe-or provide a few families in Haiti with chickens and goats as food sources.)

We will not be hosting any formal events. (Sure, we may invite friends over for a fun night of pizza & The Grinch, or cookie decorating--but nothing formal, nothing stress-inducing.)

One of our kids is getting surgery. (I know this sounds funny--but every time I think about our daughter getting her tonsils out 5 days before Christmas, I actually think it will be a hidden blessing. We can stay home and relax and have a very valid excuse to just cozy up and not do extra things!)

Ever heard the phrase, Failing to Plan is Planning to Fail? A little aggressive, perhaps--but I'm thinking since every year has been a bust in experiencing peace and rest in this holiday season, I figured having a plan this year may actually help. Besides, it doesn't hurt to try.

If you're sick of the holiday hustle-maybe you need a plan too?

We can step back from the fast pace.

Breathe.

Enjoy the people we love.

Rest.

Reflect.

And be completely in awe of everything this time of year has to offer. I wanna be totally here for it.

Seeing what is, instead of what isn't.

2018-11-27T18:01:00.003-05:00

Not to sound like a broken record of what the world is already saying--but friendships as adult women can be--difficult. At least that's how I feel. I don't know about you but I have this romanticized idea of it, these people that are your 'home team', and I want every single one of my close relationships to meet all of this high-standard criteria for them to count in some twisted way.

Stay with me here.

Basically in my head the ideal adult friendship goes like this: *note, this goes both ways, not just one sided. :)

Can banter with me/ understands I curse but still love Jesus
Can feel completely myself-no judgement if I'm wearing too much makeup or this morning's workout gear. Take me as I am.
Loves my kids, as annoying as they can be.
On that same note: totally trust them to take my kids/drive them places/can be my 'emergency contact' on school papers (too much?)
Looks out for me/has my back + vice versa
Conversation is EASY-not forced and like pulling teeth
Care about the day to day stuff--live life together, in community together (hence why conversation is easy because duh-we know what's going on in one another's life)
Don't feel like I need to apologize-text after hanging out. Sure I probably said the wrong thing, but you likely know that I'm a little much sometimes and eh, we all have our things.
Families can all hang out together and it be totally cool/not forced
Last minute plans are easy to happen. Quick text to say, "I'm heading to the mall-pick you up in 5?"
Drops coffee off unexpectedly / knows your order
Knows you need a break/are stressed--goes out of their way with kind gesture
Can question my faith/life's purpose/talk about anxiety and worries, problems etc-and know that I am still loved & supported
Texts about the most random things-but like, paint color IS important and yes I care about the rug you choose for your living room.

Oof. I could probably go on with the craziness-but you get the idea.

There are times I look at Declan (who is soaring in the friend department right now) and I can get a little jealous--sad, even. I am so happy for him, don't get me wrong. But it makes me step back and take a mental inventory of relationships and closeness-levels and I just think, wow, I'm lacking. AND OF COURSE NO ONE IS MEETING MY CRAZY CLOSE FRIEND IDEALS, I mean, just look at that list.

I was talking with someone about this very topic a little while back and she very wisely said--"I've just learned to appreciate the friendships I have for what they are, instead of for what they aren't."

That seems so obvious to many, but a massive lightbulb went off in me.

Yea, Katie--do that.

So instead of feeling like I'm in lack and that every relationship is not to the depths of best-friend status I may be wishing for-I'm going to consciously choose to see what I do have.

I do have a group of mama friends who lift one another up in prayer and share burdens via text. I do have a group of family-friends we can text for a park hang-out/or get a last minute bday party together. I do have a sister I can call and bother with nonsense every single day (and I do) and she has to love me. I do have a friend who I trust with my children, text about house-decor, can pickup for last minute "get me out of the house my kids are driving me crazy"-dates. I do have a few friends who are childless--who I extra love because I'm an old mom and they still like me, or pretend to, even if it's just a coffee date every few months. I have the friend who checks in on us at the holidays, to make sure we have some place to go knowing we're so far from family. I have the friend who lives across the country, we send photos back and forth of our growing families and celebrate little victories. I have the friend who will come to my kid's dance performances just because they love them. I have the friend who doesn't mind a mess of kids coming to her house-always welcomes it with open arms.

-and-

I am the friend that will answer your text at 11pm when you're struggling with anxiety. I will venmo you coffee money just to let you know I'm thinking about you. I will pick-up your kids--and you better bet I'll have the right car seats to do it safely. I will hunt down those shoes you've been looking for. I will bring you food to the hospital when your little one is sick. I will drop a meal off at your place when you have a new baby. I will show up when you perform on stage. I will hit up that sale with you-pretty much any time. I will send you a podcast I know you'll love. I will randomly text you timehop pics of our kids together as toddlers and cry about time being a bitch. I will ask you for help when I really, truly need it. (Asking for help is so.hard. isn't it?) I will bring flowers to your new house just because.

“Everybody has a home team: It’s the people you call when you get a flat tire or when something terrible happens. It’s the people who, near or far, know everything that’s wrong with you and love you anyways. These are the ones who tell you their secrets, who get themselves a glass of water without asking when they’re at your house. These are the people who cry when you cry. These are your people, your middle-of-the-night, no-matter-what people.”
― Shauna Niequist

Ok, so maybe I don't have the biggest home-team of all time--but I still don't want to miss what I've got by being too consumed with what isn't.

Keeping my eyes and heart open--trying to, anyway. xo, xo.

These are the crazy days

2018-11-20T21:08:00.000-05:00

Years ago when I was 8 months pregnant with my first, teaching, and tired--I wrote a facebook post stating so. It was true. I was exhausted! Immediately someone replied that I didn't know true exhaustion--just wait. Just wait until you have three kids. I was so offended at the time. Of course I couldn't know what life was like with three kids. Everyone's exhaustion and life stresses look different at different times, you know? And it's all very relative.

Fast forward 9 years and here I am. Three kids. Three (bigg'ish) kids. And I am pretty sure I'm in the same phase as when that person wrote me that response all those years ago. And yea, I totally get where she's coming from (now), and could find myself being the person who snaps back at a tired college student like, honey you wait. But I don't-I try and bite my tongue and remember how it feels.

Anyway-I do get it now because it is absolutely no joke raising humans these ages, with all the emotions, all the dance practices, all the gymnastics, all the homework, all the commitments, all the dinner making, and why god do they keep needing me to sign another school form?!

I expect that things will look different as the girls age even more, different challenges, perhaps a mama way ahead of me is snickering and thinking just you wait-but right this moment? It's by far the hardest, most-stretched we've been as parents. The juggle back and forth with duties between Declan and I can absolutely start to feel like a system that is great, but mundane-and will this always be life? I know though that it won't be. But in the day to day moments? Dear God, can we just make it to bedtime when I can actually put my feet up? That'd be great.

No matter how crazy the days of living in my car running kids back and forth to appointments, practices, taking my laptop to work on-the-go, living at the dance studio (or so it feels some weeks) ---I know these days are so sweet. They are beyond sweet.

Because we still have nights with soft music in the kitchen, cooking dinner amongst all the crazy of homework-doing. We slow dance as a family and squish everyone with kisses. The girls run off and play in their bedrooms together, making grandiose performances for us. They cuddle in our bed together and watch movies. They hold hands unprompted. They want to play games with us. They sneak us little notes constantly. They sleep under our roof every night. We don't worry when they'll get home. We tuck them in and kiss them and know they're as safe and sound as we can control in our own little world. These days are so good.

It is always easier for me to err on the side of negativity and focus on the hard days. So I plastered a sign right in the middle of my living room, "These are the Days" because I need the reminder every time I walk past it. Yes, getting out the door this morning was awful. Yes, this afternoon they may have struck on every last nerve. And yes, it is still a privilege to raise and love them. Yes.

The days I'll look back on with longing? These ones right here---I'm certain they'll be it.

The easy ins + outs of making a Holiday video--I got you.

2018-11-19T17:13:00.004-05:00

This weekend we began decorating for Christmas (don't even @ me- guys, I know-I know...) and right before Declan picked Lucy up to put the star on the tree I yelled, "WAIT!!!!! I NEED TO GET MY CAMERA!!!!!" It was time to start the holiday footage.

See, for years I've captured little snippets of video during the holiday season and then mashed them up into a little montage to a sweet song. They hold some of our sweetest memories and honestly? It takes very little effort to do. Every year when I post it to instagram or facebook I feel like I get a sea of "I wish I did this!" and so I am here to remind you, NOW IS THE TIME TO START.

Honestly-it's easy to remember these things in hindsight, and then feel regret. Gah! All the memories are just in my brain but video? Reliving each holiday with our little 3 minute video makes it feel more than just a tiny blip on the radar. It reminds us that we lived it. It reminds us of the retirement home we sung carols at, the gift exchange with cousins, the tree we decorated, the dresses the girls wore to the Christmas Eve service, and uhh---just how tiny and cute and squishy they were. It reminds us of each home we celebrated Christmas in (since we tend to move so often, it seems), and it gives us all a warm, fuzzy feeling.

I want you to know--IT IS EASY and IF you want to do this, YOU CAN. I'm basically writing this to remind you to start capturing the footage now. Because decorating the tree, visiting the Holiday Zoo, school concerts, trips to the nutcracker, etc, all video worthy.

Here are my tips.

If you don't have a camera with a video setting--then a good phone should work just fine! TAKE YOUR VIDEO WITH YOUR PHONE SIDEWAYS. Horizontal video looks way cuter edited together than vertical footage-- trust me! THIS IS KEY. I take a mix of both. I use my Canon7D on video setting when we're home, and when we're out it's pretty much all iPhone because the truth is I don't lug my camera around anywhere anymore. Note: it may be helpful to make an album of your videos on your phone you can send them to, to keep them separate. OR if you are running out of storage, email them to yourself and delete them. Just make sure when it comes time to find the videos, you know where to get them! Make it easy on yourself :)

Take short clips. First of all, to do this-you do not have to commit to being behind a camera all holiday season, it's MINIMAL EFFORT, promise. Plus it's cute to edit small snippets together versus spend 45 solid seconds on, say, a holiday concert clip. Besides, we all know how painful(ly cute) holiday concerts are. 5-10 seconds, max. Promise.

Vary your footage. Baking holiday cookies? Perfect! Zoom in on their little hands putting sprinkles on the cookies, or licking their fingers. Everyone ice skating? Awesome--get low to the ground and take a little clip of the fam skating by. Opening presents? Perfect-set up a timelapse--that way you can be phone-free and add a little variation to your video.

Get the reactions. One good video clip of the kids reacting to Santa bringing the guitar they asked for? GOLD. Set your kids up to take a "picture" by the tree when they're all dressed up--but ask them to hug it out instead. Get this on video--they'll never know anddd it will likely end in giggles or someone falling to the floor. :)

Insert an interview or two. This isn't totally necessary, but I usually ask the kids each year what they want for Christmas. You could also ask them what they're most excited about...what the season is about...etc--get creative. The answers will usually be really cute.

Nothing is too Mundane. Going to walk around the block and look at christmas lights? That's a moment. Starbucks date for hot chocolate? Grab a 3 second clip of them licking the whipped cream or holding that cute holiday cup. Christmas parade? Get their reaction to their favorite firetruck. Stringing the lights on the tree? Perfect.

You'll need less than you think. When it comes down to it, you actually won't need THAT much. I try to get the most variety, and smaller clips. I feel it makes the videos all a bit more interesting to be bopping around versus spending too long on present-opening, for example. There's more that goes into Christmas morning than just opening gifts, right? What about the cinnamon rolls you eat? Or the Christmas story you read? All of those are sweet moments. What about the hug they run and give daddy after he gives them that special gift? Find those moments.

Grab some B-Roll. Videos are a little bit more interesting with some extra video thrown in there that all lend to the holiday feel. Don't go crazy on this-but, grab some video clips of the tree with gifts the night before--maybe of the cookies they left for Santa, a candle flickering, the lights on the christmas tree or a zoom in/out of your favorite ornaments--or maybe some video of your house all lit up. It doesn't have to be ALL THE KIDS, every second. Make sense?

Get in the video. You. Yes you. Figure out how to get yourself in the video at least once. At least. Sure the holidays feel a whole lot about your kiddos, but they LOVE to see their parents in there too. So set the camera up, or hand it to a big kid--you need to be in the video--you're part of the family after all. The kids will watch these for years to come (mine totally do) and it's just as special for them to see you in the memories, too.

---

Ok, you've got the footage--now it's time to put it together.

I work on a Mac and I use iMovie which is a program installed on all Macs. I believe for Windows, there's a program called Windows Movie Maker that's free. There are also lots of apps for your phone if you have ALL phone footage. I am a self-taught, non-professional, trial-by-error kinda video editor. The thing is, this video is FOR YOU--so do not get hung up on this step or making it perfect.

You can find a TON of tutorials and videos on how to edit.

But here is my VERY FIRST TIP:

I always pick my song first. (I usually purchase one off iTunes that has been on an album this season I've been loving-always changes!)

And no matter how much good video I have, I limit my recap to the length of that song.

This is SUPER important to me. You have to be selective with the clips you end up choosing and how much of those you include. I find that if you do want to share it on social media, no one is really all that interested in your kids/family as much as you are, so 8 minutes of recap is--well, a lot. But anyone can last for a 3 minute song filled with cute faces and precious moments that seems curated well. You get me?

So stick to one song--for real.

Then once I know how long that song is, I start editing my clips together. I mute the sound out of MOST videos (which you can figure out how to do, pretty easy!), so don't worry about a super sweet clip but a baby wailing in the background. Just mute it and let the music override it. I also try to mostly put my clips in the order they're taken because it gives a little timeline-glimpse of the season.

When you have interviews or some sweet parts you want to actually hear, you can lower the music volume so that the clip can be heard. You'll see I did this a lot in my video from 2017.

---

A few recaps from the past:

2017
(this one has a lot more voice in it than usual-but there were things I really wanted to remember, like the girls Spanish reading, or the sweetness of the things they said about certain gifts, etc)

2016(In this one I started the music later, after the voice part-and pretty much muted most other tracks after that except the part where the kids found out we were taking them to Disney Land)2015(This one is one of my very favorites because we did an early xmas in San Diego and then traveled to PA. My sister also told us she was having a GIRL and you can hear my completely unregulated happy scream--so, volume was necessary for some clips :)

***Can we just appreciate for a moment that NONE of this is even semi-professional and that doesn't matter--at ALL. You still completely get the feel of each holiday and the special things we've done. So don't let any of that hold you back from doing this if it's something you've wanted to do.

Also, one last thing to note. By consciously doing video each year I do focus LESS on photos. I actually find for us that the value in a video montage is much higher than a whole album of photos opening presents on Christmas morning. I'm just much more about seeing reactions, or how their little eyes light up at each age, versus a frozen image, especially around this season. Don't get me wrong, I love me some beautiful photography, but a video is just different. It evokes a feel that I don't think all images can. But I make sure each year I get my few favorites in a still image, like everyone dressed up before Christmas Eve Service, or messy-bed heads holding their stockings, etc. Other than those few? Pressure off in the photo-taking department.

Alright, I think that's it.

So who's in for this year? Can't wait to see how they turn out.

First steps to building the bridge

2018-11-13T20:10:00.000-05:00

Anyone else ever taken a ridiculously long time away from something--and then the struggle to get back to it just gets increasingly harder? That's me with writing. Every day, week, month, year(s) that I didn't write anymore made the gaping crack bigger and bigger, feeling impossible to just jump to the other side and go for it again. It's kind of like when you take a week off of working out and then it turns into two...and...and--then going back suddenly feels like the most massive hurdle to overcome. Or old friendships. Time and distance gets bigger...and then sending that "hey-been thinking of you" text just feels meaningless and like, 'why bother'?

Anyway-you get it. This is me and writing.

I've never ever felt that my writing would take me anywhere. In fact, that feels kind of embarrassing to even talk about. What I mean is- I was never one of those bloggers expecting to get a book deal out of the gig. I felt writing connected me to the thoughts I struggled to often pinpoint in my brain, and it connected me to my vulnerability.

Speaking of--I have learned that being vulnerable is very hard for me. I'm not shocked to learn this--I have a hard shell, no doubt. But being vulnerable actually makes me feel like I'm losing some control. When I used to write all the time, I actually let people in. And by letting people in, I actually had to get very freaking vulnerable. And that meant sometimes being attacked (verbally). Or sometimes getting weird shit sent to my house (yes this really happened, multiple times. Hi to the insane-weirdo who has time for that.) I panicked, put my guard right back up--built a wall around my little life, and decided that subjecting myself or my family to any scrutiny was downright silly of me. Why would I ever do such a thing?

But the thing is-yes, as my children get older I will talk less about them--that just comes with giving them space and allowing them to flourish without being blasted on the internet as some tale-to-tell. But opening myself back up to letting words flow in and out of my head, giving myself a space to process, hopefully relate with others? Well that's just part of self-care for me that I've been majorly stifling. For the last few years I haven't given space for it in my life--and I have felt the void down to my core. I have missed it, but I've brushed it off as 'there was a time and place for that--and that's over now'. But I feel the longing. I wrote it as a goal in January to bring myself back to this space. I have about 10 half-written drafts in here, and could never hit publish. And now it's freaking November--awesome goal setting.

I'm still figuring out exactly what this space will be--but mostly, it's for me. This blog is older than my marriage. It holds the most juvenile pieces I've ever written, mundane day-to-day stuff, an entire detailed baby-book of Emeline's life, insane over-sharing, stuff I should probably be mortified about. But yet-it's mine.

The last year(s) I have given my all to my family, my job, my health--all of which are good things, no doubt. But at the same time, I completely turned off a part of me that I need and crave-that connects me to my beliefs, my thoughts, my vulnerability. The divide between me and poring over words on a screen has become so large--but I'm gonna start building a bridge to get back there. I have to.

The 6 Week Bootcamp you always hear me blab about...// Tips, Tricks, Info and Help!

2018-01-30T18:16:00.001-05:00

This post is long, long overdue. Last June (2017) I was sitting on my couch in the wee hours of the morning with the early riser of the house (ahem, HATTIE) scrolling my instagram feed. I have no idea how or why but somehow I stumbled upon someone's transformation on Amanda Tress' program, FASTer Way to Fat Loss.

I was at a place where I was so bored with a certain way of eating and my workouts that I had become a little lazy--we also had a trip in August for our 10 year to HAWAII. On a whim, without overthinking it a million times I registered for that program and the rest is history.

In 7 weeks (1 week prep, plus 6 weeks of the program) I was able to lose 11 lbs and 11+ inches. I have friends and family who had even better results than that. I have continued to re-join the bootcamps because frankly, I love the motivation, the workouts, the food cycle, and the way I feel when I do it. My second time around, I lost about 4-5 lbs and ANOTHER 7.5" inches. Here are those photos:

(top: pre-first round, bottom: post second round)

I get questions non-stop about this program and I love it, but I decided to create this post as a catch-all to house all the info that may answer some of your questions, so here's the scoop:

What IS the FASTer Way to Fat Loss in a nutshell?

It's a program that implements intermittent fasting, carb cycling, macro counting and innovative and effective workouts (for beginners, gym-goers or those at-home workout people).

Wow, that sounds intense. Is it?

I admit that upon starting the program, the first thing I do tell people is DO NOT let the information overwhelm you. Once you get going, and truly take it a day at a time, it is SO simple and easy to follow. But at first, it can freak you out. Also, I had never counted a macro nutrient a day in my life and was absolutely sure I couldn't handle it. ---Fun fact: Turned out it's freaking easy and MyFitnessPal basically does it all for you. WHO KNEW! haha.

What's the fasting entail?

A huge part of the program is our lifestyle of Intermittent Fasting. This means that we eat everyday on a 16/8 schedule. So 16 hours a day our body is in a fasted state (from 8pm at night until 12 noon the next day....so you're sleeping a good chunk of it!), while eating only during your 8 hour FEED window. Most ladies break their fast 12 noon and eat until 8pm. Others have different schedules and do 11am-7pm, etc.

Fasting?!? I will surely die not eating breakfast.

Actually, you won't :) After your body adjusts to the fasting schedule you will be so used to it, it truly becomes THE EASIEST part of the entire program. You'll gain your mornings back (no need to worry about making yourself breakfast anymore), and you can even still have YOUR COFFEE. So relax.

Things acceptable to have during fasting hours: water, seltzer/la croix, herbal teas (with no sugar), coffee, coffee creamer up to 50 calories only, kombucha (also keep the 50 total cals thing in mind if you drink while fasting!).

Why the heck do you FAST?

Amanda's website answers this SO clearly so I'm going direct you RIGHT HERE. But the basic gist is, keeping your food to a certain time frame allows you to become an optimal FAT burner. It allows you to maintain muscle mass which speeds up your metabolic rate, while helping you shed fat.

Other benefits include: better sleep, more energy, greater mental clarity and the development of more neurons in the brain, along with better digestions and less inflammation.

Carb Cycling--whhhhat??

This is basically a fancy term to say that two days a week on the program (Mondays & Tuesdays) we engage in a a LOW CARB day where we eat high protein and high fat, while limiting our carbs to 50 Net for the day. Then, we combine with a Cardio-style workout (HIIT, sprinting, or Tabata...will be provided for you :) ) to deplete our glycogen stores and effectively burn fat.

Sound awesome? It is.

What about the other days?

The other days you get to LIFT WEIGHTS! Or do super awesome leg, back, biceps, shoulders, and ab workouts that will totally change your body. You also get to eat at your regular Macro split which means YOU GET TO EAT CARBS! In fact, you'll get to eat a decent amount of them and you're gonna love it.

Will I ever get a break?

Yes! I love that this program incorporates two rest days (or active recovery...go for a walk, hike-or don't--up to you!) On those days, we just simply watch our calories a bit closer and since we aren't doing a hard workout or burning too many extra calories we keep it a bit lower. Nothing crazy, and not hard at all.

Will I be starving?

Absolutely not. In fact, I think you'll be the opposite. The only time I ever get hungry on this program is just before I'm ready to break my fast, which makes sense. However, during the 8 hour eating window I am NEVER hungry. It's not a lot of time to fit in your daily calories/macros, therefore you're kind of eating a lot (of the right things)(at the right time), therefore--you should NOT be hungry.

If I do get hungry or just want to munch on something after 8pm, I try to curb that by making some nighttime herbal sleepy tea or something and sipping it while we watch a show.

The price seems higher than I'm used to spending, what do I get for my money?

I've heard this a lot of times--and to be honest, I had the same hurdle at first. I used money I had stashed away from Christmas the previous year to pay for my first round. Once my world was opened up to this wealth of knowledge from this program and lifestyle, I can tell you that this program is WORTH EVERY PENNY.

But you must put the work in.

I know people who have paid for the program and didn't do a ton beyond that--and well, they didn't really get results. Of course you've gotta do the work, learn the program, and then try and kick ass at it every day. I promise you if you do that it will be beyond worth it and easily become a lifestyle you can maintain on your own. (You may just become like me and get slightly addicted, haha!)

Paying for a bootcamp round gets you access to certified FWTFL Coaches, a Facebook group with daily accountability posts where you report your macros, ask questions, hear from Amanda, etc. It also gets you access to the Portal which is the place that holds all of the daily workouts for each day, the comprehensive nutrition plan, our food cycle chart, and a load of videos and resources. You'll also have a bunch of live calls with the founder and trainer with all her tips, how to set up your MyFitnessPal, how to plan for Low Carb days, etc.

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Some things worth noting:

-We are encouraged to be as gluten and dairy free as possible. However, I will tell you that I am not sensitive to either of these things and have incorporated (some) gluten and some cheese into my diet in an IIFYM (if it fits your macros) approach since June and have still seen results. You'll see some of these foods in my photos below.

-Always try and choose whole foods over processed things. But life happens--so be flexible.

-Typically you are encouraged to workout while in a Fasted state (so that would mean MORNING). If this doesn't fit your schedule, that is FINE and the program will still work. I promise you, you will have energy to workout, even in the hardest workouts once your body adjusts to this schedule. I now perform better and stronger while fasted, versus having food in my stomach.

-There will never be a "perfect" time to do this. If you're feeling the nudge, just go for it. There will always be a girls weekend or wine tasting or something else---adjust, tweak, make it work. It's not a huge deal!

-This program encourages TREATS. In fact, you'll see that the trainer Amanda often posts about donuts :) After our Saturday leg day we pretty much always go and get donuts, too! hah! Listen, depriving yourself never leads to a balanced, happy life. So relax.

You can eat all the foods you love on this program, just in moderation--if it fits your macros, and it is MAINTAINABLE.

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Some of my Food:

(Some of the things you see: Aidell's Chicken Apple Sausages, Aidell's Meatballs, Turkey Burgers, Tuna, Eggs, Salmon, Brussels with Bacon, Feta cheese on salads, Good Foods Feta Cucumber Dip, rotisserie chicken, cooked veggies, rotisserie chicken, taco "bowl", riced broccoli, guacamole....)

Low Carb Day Tips: On low carb day you get to eat high fat and high protein, so these are the days I tend to eat avocado, sausage, ground beef (also higher in fat then say, ground turkey), add bacon to my salads/vegetables, maybe add peanut butter to my snacks, possibly eat nuts/almonds, etc, add some cheese to my salads or food. Make sense?

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Regular Macro Day means you GET TO EAT SOME CARBS! Always choose healthy carbs first and foremost like fruit (yes, fruit has CARBS!), sweet potatoes, maybe even some rice with your dinner. However, you'll see I use the Low Carb Tortillas to change up my meals sometimes. I also eat oatmeal, sometimes protein pancakes, and on Saturdays YES we eat donuts! :)

Regular Macro Day Tips: You will still be eating healthy. But you will have room for carbs in your day! So you will get to fill those carbs with things like fruit, oatmeal, rice, beans, corn, etc. :)

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Look, when I signed up to do this program I wasn't expecting a lot. But I did get a lot. I gained confidence in the gym because the workouts are killer and made me get comfortable on machines. I got stronger. Leaner. More excited about my health. BUT I ALSO HAD PIZZA AND BEER AND DONUTS SOMETIMES.

After my round I decided I loved it enough to share it with you and became an affiliate partner. I've since seen so many women take back their health and just feel so balanced and good about themselves by making SIMPLE TWEAKS. I continue to join the bootcamps every 2 months because I really like the accountability and I love getting the new workouts, having someone to check in on my macros to, and just the community in general.

Check out these little testimonials from my IG stories this week:

I just love that these ladies are still living LIFE, without being restrictive, and having results. yess.

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Busy moms are making this work. What the heck are you waiting for? :)

JOIN THE NEXT BOOTCAMP ROUND HERE

Interested in the VIP program? Join the monthly membership here after completing one round!

Seasons & Shame

2017-04-19T13:21:00.002-04:00

You hear this seasons term all the time, I'm sure. I hear it--and something inside me pushes it away as if it's some jargon to use to get away with quitting easily, or moving on with no regret or shame. No doubt I struggle to accept the reality that there are indeed seasons of life- changes that come, that need to come, that are inevitable or best for you, or me, or heck, everyone involved...the greater cause perhaps.

The last nine months I have pretty much dedicated every spare second to working for my church as the Children's Ministry Director. It was one of the scariest, exciting and challenging seasons (there I go with that word) of my life thus far. It was there that I discovered I'm actually more capable than I gave myself credit for. It was there that I discovered leading people was both humbling and so beautiful. It was there that I discovered how deeply I need people, relationships, one-on-one interactions with sweet souls more often than I'd ever made time for in my life prior. It was there that I let so many new people in-- sharing my life with them--in turn watching my little girls fully embraced and loved by people who have now become like family.

That season has been so rich, and so full, and yes, so very busy if I'm being honest with myself--but also so life giving. It changed me.

I have always been one of those people very obsessed with flowers and plants, taking out my iPhone embarrassingly on walks to capture yet another gorgeous California bloom. Yet I'm not one to actually have a beautiful flower garden in my own yard. I don't take the time to dig the dirt, find the right soil, get my hands dirty and do the work to have lovely flowers that return year after year.

Pretty interesting that it kind of correlates to my life, huh? I'm actually having a little bit of an ah-ha moment as I type. Somehow, I've always admired the rich friendships and bonds and beautiful blossoming relationships others had...but I've never been really willing to dig deep and do the work in my own life to get there, too. Until this past year.

I recently decided it was time for me to step down from leading this ministry for a variety of reasons, but mainly, I really knew that personally my focus and balance was off. My kids are so little, and gosh, their lives are flying by. I just really want to be a good mama to them and for the sake of sticking with a theme, I want to stop-enjoy their beautiful flowery goodness, take too many photos, be able to be present in mind and not feel stretched beyond my capacity.

As much as I know it's the right decision, this is where that ugly shame word can creep in. You could only handle it for 9 months. What kind of person stops a job after that short amount of time? What did you even do? You clearly weren't meant for this role at all.

It's pretty dang timely that I'm reading The Gifts of Imperfection, and sweet 'ole sucker-punch-you author Brene Brown just happens to be the master researcher in Shame. She says that "Shame is basically the fear of being unlovable --it's the total opposite of owning our own story and feeling worthy. Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."

..."Shame keeps worthiness away by convincing us that owning our stories will lead to people thinking less of us."

So true, right? The human struggle. We want love and belonging and we don't want people to think less of us, because, gasp--the horror.

I am so grateful that I'm part of a community that both recognizes seasons of life as a real thing, and also quickly lays fears of shame to rest.

I now have my own flower bed of relationships that will not just go away-- but grow deeper and fuller the more I care and invest into them, especially as I have more capacity to do so. I grew, I changed. God knew exactly what he was doing and wove me right into all of it.

I am worthy, I am loved, I still belong. I'm owning my story.

print by Jackie (one of the beautiful souls I met along the way)

What's bothering you?

2016-10-17T12:50:00.003-04:00

I was just about to write a massively long Facebook status about something and thought, "This is the exact reason I used to blog".

So I guess, whatever, I'm here...and likely to go on a tangent.

The girls are now 6, 4 and 8 months old and as ridiculous and cliche as it sounds, the days and the weeks fly by so fast now it terrifies me sometimes to think about. Life can just get so busy (like real-busy, not just saying-it kind-of busy).

It's wild to think about, but when we first moved to San Diego, while that in and of itself was a whirlwind and adventure, we were in the quietest 'down' season of our life thus far. It was actually a beautiful thing. We had no other commitments, we hadn't made many friends, and we had an abundance of time because our kids weren't yet in real school. We traveled, we saw, we spent so much time together because we only had each other. I will forever be grateful for that time we had to just connect as a family.

Now, things are different--but it's equally beautiful, albeit crazier. The girls are both in full time school, Hattie is the most mobile 8 month old ever, Declan is thriving and moving up in his job, and I took on a position at our church. We (thankfully) now have some amazing friendships with people, our kids have a huge social life outside our little family nucleus--and while all that is fun and amazing and exciting to be stretched and used by God, and pushed to do more and bigger and better...........I'm tired. Declan and I juggle around duties and to-do's and who-takes-what-kid-where, and our iPhone calendars are always notifying us of the next thing, pinging and ponging all the time. I know people say they couldn't do life-stuff without their spouse. But, uh--I reeeeally mean it. There's actually no possible way I could.

This was definitely not the point in me taking to my blog today for the first time in months. But I guess it kind of leads in to the fact that sometimes I'm a teeny-bit tapped out when dealing with those crazy moments of motherhood and this morning was a fine example of that.

I picked out Lucy's clothes ahead of time, like I always do to avoid epic meltdowns of very opinionated little people. The only problem was that I didn't get to check with her last night that it was indeed a suitable choice. So this morning? Yea--she was freaking out. Tears. Screams. Like I had poked her with a million needles or something. But no, heaven forbid I chose purple leggings that "don't go down far enough" (she likes her pants reallyyyy long), and "are itchy a little on the inside" (they aren't), and "but I wanted a DOWN dress like a down-down dress with a SWEATER!" (down=long)

I was totally calm about it, but just told her that she couldn't come have breakfast until she was dressed, and she needed to wear what I put out. After a while too long went by, I think I let out an exasperated sigh, and made eye contact with Emeline, who was cheerfully eating her bagel and entertaining her baby sis. I think she read my mind which went something like this, "I give up. I give up. I give up." (regarding Lucy)

Without saying a word, she put her food down and calmly walked to their bedroom. She got down low, eye-to-eye with her sister, and said, "What's bothering you?" Through tears Lucy muttered something about her pants, something about the color, something about how her dress isn't princess-enough.

Then Emeline said in the lowest, calmest, most evenly-keeled voice ever- "If you do me a favor and get dressed in what Mom put out for you, I'll put one of my candies into your bag, and you can have it."

Within 2 minutes the tears had stopped and Lucy came out of her room as if the entire meltdown of epic proportions did not just happen. She bopped around, popped into her chair and asked for breakfast, in the clothes I had set out for her.

Emeline and I exchanged a secret high-five and I thought two things in that moment: a) I'm so glad I have an Emeline, dude, that kid is amazing, and b) Crap, I hope she doesn't end up in therapy for this.

As our family is growing and aging and life is actually really full, it takes a team--and even our kids know that. But I'm thankful for that teeny reminder today to take a second, look someone right in the eye, and ask them what's bothering them. If that doesn't get to the heart of the issue, heck, there's always candy.

Already enough

2016-06-27T17:26:00.001-04:00

I was sitting in a Strengths Leadership-kinda talk/training thing last week when the speaker asked us to turn to our neighbor and tell them the one thing you are better at than anyone else.

Instantly I shriveled up and died a little inside. Are you kidding me? No chance could I think of something I'm better at than anyone else (I mean let's be real here, there are 7 billion'ish people in the world after all), and I didn't even want to try to come up with something. I couldn't! It felt so...wrong. Maybe even a little vain? I don't know. My partner and I both mustered up something sort of safe-and followed it up with, "but I'm not necessarily better than others..."

When the speaker got back up he talked about how yes, it's a little bit awkward to talk about what you're best at, because it feels weird to talk about yourself like that. But that we need to know our strengths, those things we are really great at, because if we don't know, how will anyone else? If we don't use our strengths, they're useless.

My brain has been reeling on these thoughts for days now.

I have always thought of myself as a confident person, in fact, I used to rock my old ways of teaching interviews. I believed I was the best person for the position. I knew I had it all, and if I didn't know everything, I would figure it out. I always landed the job.

Fast forward eight+ years and I'm not sure what's happened to me but my confidence in myself has dwindled. I've been told I can be self-deprecating and even though I do find myself using it for humor at times, I think there are aspects of it that I do mean--and gross, that's no way to live. I don't fully believe that I'm all those things I used to be back when I was that super confident career-driven girl. Even though motherhood has gained me a ton of experience and wisdom in so many ways, there are aspects of me that still feel so small and inadequate.

Why?

I'm trying to figure that out.

What I do know is that I'm learning through this process of pin-pointing who I am, the gifts that live inside me, my talents, etc--that relationships are critical. Having people who know you, who love you, who absolutely do not BS you when it comes to who you are, and the things they see and know in you that you can't always recognize, -well, it's absolutely important.

That night the speaker also said something along the lines of "We need people in our lives who give us permission to be extraordinary." -whoa.

I need people in my life to call out my gifts, the ones I forget about or haven't seen in a while, and tell me to act on them and not be stagnant.

I want to be that for other people. To give them permission to be fully as they are when they're not completely confident in themselves, to live wild & free, extraordinary lives.

---

It has been a long, long time since a book has gripped me up and really tapped on so many of my feelings. Dissecting Wild and Free, by Jess Connolly & Hayley Morgan with a group of women each week has definitely made it more relevant, more tangible for me. If you get the chance, read it- slowly. Underline those truths in the books that you need to read and re-read over yourself again and again.

Just let this soak into your heart and mind.

@wildandfreebook instagram

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Time to do mighty things.

Three.

2016-03-14T15:50:00.001-04:00

We're just over five weeks in to being officially outnumbered by children, and I'm just feeling some urge to talk about it a bit. So let's just roll with it and see where this lands us.

I have to admit that besides being nauseous, feeling gross, and eating panera's baguettes, I spent a majority of my pregnancy also having thoughts like, "oh crap-what did we do?" I promise I don't mean that to sound like having a third was any type of accident, it was not. It was thought out, we tried for her, we felt incredibly grateful to get pregnant a third time. But I can't lie and act like I wasn't nervous. I was.

What if we really weren't cut out to do this?

What if 3 kids truly sends me over the edge of insanity?

The truth is, you will be FINE. We all will be fine. And each day that things feel fine and somewhat easy'ish, you will celebrate. Because once you've had multiple children you know that the inevitable of really freaking hard days will come. The days that sometimes last into years (hello--the entire age of 3, can I get an amen?). You will count very little, very average-to-normal-people-things as victories.

You made dinner? You have makeup on? The kid's hair is done? Their outfits somewhat match? You got a shower? Girl, let me get you a big 'ole trophy.

All that to say, we are doing good-really good, actually. But, I am not naive and I do realize we are in the easy-phase-of-baby. Hattie is a piece of cake compared to my big kids. She doesn't move, or destroy the playroom, or pee herself while standing in the yard in front of all her friends. (I'll get back to that.) She sleeps often still. She goes with the flow of our busy life. There's not much a boob or sound machine can't solve these days.

Don't get me wrong, though. Oh, there are moments of chaos. The ones where I swear there are hidden cameras somewhere because this simply cannot be real.

Take last Thursday for example. I was being Super Woman again, and cooking a nice meal for the family so it would be ready when Declan got home from work and we could get out the door to our community group. The big girls were outside on the playset playing with their neighbor friends. Hattie was in her rock-n-play in the kitchen right near me, sleeping away.

It all was going so smoothly. And then suddenly it wasn't.

One kid of mine came to the back door screaming hysterically, I was certain she had broken a bone or something. Nope. She stepped on a snail shell, in her bare feet. She wasn't hurt, oh no--not at all, she was just absolutely appalled and disgusted, and hopping around on one foot gasping for breath between cries for me to GET IT OFF, ALREADY.

I run to her, leaving 3 burners going on the hot stove (giving myself about 45 seconds to handle snail situation), and noticing that Hattie is now awake and suddenly equally as pissed off. Hattie must wait.

I pick up the limping-one-footed monster and run her down the hallway to the bathroom to rinse her foot off from snail shell disaster. Her face is almost purple from crying so hard. I pat her tush and tell her to run along and play, she will survive this, I believe in her. (fist bump)

Hattie is still freaking out. Burners still going. I flip some food around so it doesn't burn, while rocking the rock-n-play with my foot, and trying to get the pacifier back in her mouth. She isn't having any of it. She is ticked.

Just as I go to pick her up, Emeline runs to the door and yells, LUCY IS PEEING LIKE A DOG.

A series of expletives go off in my head. Fabulous.

Again, I'm so sorry Hattie! You must wait! I eye-up all my food on the stove, turning the burners down quick, and run out to the backyard to see my 3 year old standing there, fully clothed, legs spread apart, with pee dripping from her.

I see them laughing (Lucy included), as if it was some sort of show. Am I living in the twilight zone? What is even happening here? I yelled some sort of way that must have scared the crap out of the neighbor kids because I saw them slowly shrink away out of my eyesight as I grabbed Lucy and darted her into the house. I hear the baby still crying. "Sorry, Hattie". I yelled.

I'm doing some sort of acrobatic pull-all-her-clothes off, put-her-on-the-potty, while also asking her 349038409 questions like, WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING? and YOU NEVER PEE YOUR PANTS--THIS IS NOT FUNNY, WHY DID YOU DO THIS? OMG IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING AND IS THIS MY LIFE? I wipe her up with baby wipes (another bonus of having a baby back in the house!), get her dressed in 10 seconds flat, and manage to get back to the stove without having ruined dinner, and pick up the crying, neglected infant. I probably sent Declan a text somewhere in there to tell him how crazy his children are.

Breathe. Everyone is somewhat taken care of now.

That entire snail/pee/changing debacle happened in a span of 4 minutes. But in those moments it felt like an e t e r n i t y.

Heavens.

Life is not perfect with 3. But it's definitely not boring.

We take the easy days peppered with random bouts of crazy (evidence above), and we roll with it. I savor the seconds the big kids are in school and I get to cuddle a little baby in peace because I know in a half a second she'll be a toddler and I'll be whining about how fast she grew. We are ooh'ing and ahh'ing over every little smile she gives us, and taking a tally of who's winning in getting the most. Emeline claims she's at 116. I'm calling her bluff on that.

It's crazy, but a good kind of crazy. We're happy. It's working...and we'll be just fine.

Welcoming Hattie// her birth story

2016-02-22T16:44:00.000-05:00

I've always taken time after each baby to write their birth story. Since our 3rd sweet baby girl made her appearance ~~almost a week ago~~ two full weeks ago, while things are still semi-fresh on my mind, I'm going to write it down. This was a pretty quick ordeal, as I was warned by every OB and passer by'er I saw. "Third labors don't mess around". "I hope you live close to the hospital". "Please get here FAST at the onset of contractions."

Yea, yea, yea. Well they were right. I could probably sum up my entire l&d experience in the 4 lines of iPhone notes I made my husband write down so the timing didn't get foggy on me. But, it's not quite as fun, and I like details for my memories. So here we have it.

The story of our little California girl.

Saturday, February 6th we attended a marriage conference/seminar at church. I was just over 39 weeks pregnant and wasn't quite sure if we'd make it there or not, but alas, we did. I'm actually glad we did because I love stuff like that. Investing in my marriage is always super worth it to us.

That afternoon we decided to start building the playset that had been delivered to the house earlier that week. It was a nice, hot, sunny day. There were 65903840938 pieces of wood that needed to be put together--but we figured, no baby, why not? I helped a little bit, did some work around the yard, but mostly sat down and ate snacks with my kids. I took this belly picture that afternoon--I was feeling large and so very done, but still trucking along.

Our friends came over with their three kids and the dads built the swingset while the moms wrangled the chaos of 5 children. We ordered pizza, stayed up too late past the kid's bedtimes, and joked about the fact that I'd probably go into labor tonight because "haha-my house is so messy, I haven't showered or done my hair, my kids feet are black from playing outside, and we're all exhausted, etc etc". It just seemed like the perfect storm.

At 9:30 that night Declan and I both sat on the couch exhausted, grabbed a blanket and joked about how good a "nap" would feel. You'd think we would have just gone to bed, right? Wrong. Apparently the couch seemed like the best option. From 9:30-11:30pm we got a blissful 2 hours of sleep, and little did I know how badly that little nap was needed for my night ahead.

At 12:55am I recorded my first strong contraction. I opened up my little app on my phone and recorded it again, and again--and realized that yea, ok, they actually freaking hurt. But, they didn't seem long enough in duration to be "the real thing". The contractions were coming every 2-5 minutes but lasting maybe 30-45 seconds. I decided to get up and go do laundry. I'm not sure why, but that just made sense at the time. I'd fold a piece or two of laundry, breathe through a hard contraction, do it again. I finally realized that it's likely I'd have this baby soon (you know, a day or two), but that I should probably at least go rest in bed.

At 3am I tried to go back to sleep but I heard Declan toss/turn, so I decided that maybe it was a good time to let him know that I've been having contractions the last few hours. He jumped up and said "I'm getting in the shower now!" and I was like "NO NO NO you aren't. This is not real labor yet. Go back to sleep." The last thing I wanted to do was ruin a whole night of sleep for him, too.

My contractions were getting worse, fast, though. I was annoyed with timing them so I stopped. I was just trying to get through them, and Declan could tell at this point I was definitely in pain, so he was rubbing my back and doing all the good husband things. I had texted my friend Danielle that I may need her soon to come sit with the girls, and just to be on alert.

At 3:30am I sat straight out of bed and heard/felt a POP in my insides. It was followed by some intense pain/contractions and a series of bad words that flew from my mouth (whoops?). I did not have a water-gushing experience, but I was *pretty* certain my water had just broke and ish was getting REAL. Fast and furiously and a whole 'nother level of contraction-pain, and everything just started changing. I remember staring in the mirror at this point, my hair a mess, no makeup on, in pjs with no bra, and thinking "This.is.happening." I stumbled around the room and grabbed a bra, different pj pants and a top and managed to get them on.

I called Danielle at 3:45am and she groggily answered the phone by saying "oh shit". It was hilarious and something I'll always remember, because we were literally just together with them hours before and had joked about this exact scenario. I was completely emotional at this point (not because of the pain, but just --emotional? I don't know...), and I was crying to her on the phone blubbering something like, "I think this is real--I am pretty sure....(cry)....(contraction)...(cry)..." She said, "Give me 15 minutes and I'll be there."

She came in the door and I, again, started crying. She knew it was real and hurried us out the door. For some reason I was still questioning myself. I had so many weird false alarms with Lucy that I was so burned from that experience, but at the same time, I knew it was the real deal. The hospital is one exit from our house (4-5 min drive) and I remember telling Declan to drive faster.

We got there at 4am'ish and they always make you go to triage first. They could tell immediately I was in real labor and being a 3rd time mom put them on high alert. My nurse tested and indeed my water did break (by this point I was totally aware of that--gross). I was 4cm and 90% effaced and I told the nurse, "Trust me--I dilate very, VERY fast---I need to get into a real room."

They were mostly full but managed to get a room ready for me by 5am. I got a heavenly epidural at 5:30am. When it kicked in I remember feeling so happy and sleepy and thought "YES! I WILL REST NOW!" (HAHA ON ME), and then just minutes later I said to Declan, "I can literally feel the baby's head pushing down."

The nurse turned around and said, "Ummmm based on what you just told your husband I'm going to check you again."

At 5:45am, I was 8cm, 100% effaced.

At this point they basically started prepping the room, called the doctor to come in, and started talking about how we'd probably have a baby by breakfast.

Declan even started going around at this point and taking some photos with his phone so I'd have some to put in her birth book. He snapped a picture at 6:02am, when things were still very much calm (but ready) in the room. Just 2-3 minutes later they told me I was fully ready and could start pushing.

At 6:10am, with just a few pushes, I pulled this sweet little body onto my chest and Hattie Noel, our 3rd baby girl was here.

She was my biggest baby, weighing 8lbs 2oz, 20". I told the doctors at every appointment I expected her to be my biggest and around 8lbs, and turns out I was pretty dead on.

We spent only 36 hours in the hospital, as I chose to be discharged a day early. Meeting her big sisters was everything I had hoped it to be. There were times I had my three girls sitting on that bed with me and my eyes filled with tears because my heart felt so full, so overwhelmed with gratitude and these blessings upon blessings. Being their momma is the ultimate gift.

Meeting Hattie from Katie Balla on Vimeo.

life is so, so sweet.

welcome to the world, littlest love.
---

When it comes to your home....

2016-01-27T14:48:00.000-05:00

I'm a big fan of comfort when it comes to my home. Light, bright and airy seems to be what makes my eyes happy. It tends to feel clean to me, and I like that. I like the more neutral kind of colors---give me all the grays, whites, light blues, and textures like baskets and burlap.

See, the thing is that I don't actually care what's trendy or 'right' when it comes to design or setting up a home, but I do care about how it makes me feel. This morning an article a friend shared popped up in my feed about trends that were SO 2015 when it came to home decorating. I read it, knowing full well some of the things that I like would be on there, and they were. At first I felt a little offended--like, dude, how dare you be judgy about people's personal spaces? But then I remembered it's just the internet and the bottom line is this: whatever brings you comfort and happiness is how you should decorate. If you have to dwell there every single day, who gives a crap what anyone else thinks?

Over the last few years I've honed in on our family style, so with each move, I open boxes, and I genuinely am happy to see 95% of the decor that comes out. I don't claim to know what I'm doing at all when it comes to decorating, I have talented friends who rock that out--but I do know how to set up a home the way that makes life comfortable and functional for us.

We tend to settle really fast when we move, mainly because we need things to feel normal and home-like and living in transition bugs us both. Two weeks in and it's feeling like the cozy space that works for us.

"It's not the home I love, but the life that is lived there".

---

New home and a new baby (not yet, not yet...but soon).

2016-01-22T18:22:00.000-05:00

I was about to take a nap (I know, the end of pregnancy does that to me), when I remembered I told myself all week I would save some time to write and update on this wild phase of life we're in. Since it's Friday now and I have to leave to pick up my kids from school in less than an hour, I'd say I waited until the last minute. But hey! I chose this over napping...so I'm officially crazy.

We moved! I could not be more grateful that this process is over and that truly in the knick of time God provided a place for us, better than what we had before. It was scary. I was picturing my little family living in an extended stay or something, bringing home a newborn into that chaos. Instead, we hawked a place (seriously, the rental market out here is insane), and I basically showed up to look at the house with all paperwork ready and in-hand. It worked, because we got approved in less than a day and two'ish weeks later, here we are. It needed some work. And who likes to do work to rentals? But honestly, a few coats of paint throughout the house made it livable and happy for us, so painting it was.

It's a single family home (our first!), has natural light, it's all one floor, and my kids (and dog) officially have a fenced-in area outside to play in safely. Old, shabby kitchen I can deal with. Besides, it's amazing what you can do once you get all your own stuff inside, to set up 'home' and make it yours, you know?

I am loving it already.

It's mostly finished, as far as decorating and all that goes. I'm waiting on a few odds and ends to finish up the nursery (I KNOW-there is a crib in my house!), and then I think I'll take some photos to try and document this place a little bit.

The girls transition ridiculously easy and well to new situations. Moving to a new house? Not even a big deal at all. They slept on mattresses on the ground for a few days before their bunk beds arrived, and even still, they were great. They seem to love it here and have had zero trouble adjusting. It helps that all other aspects of life stayed the same, in regards to school and such. We're still close to everything which is awesome, and a huge blessing.

37 weeks 1 day

It's crazy that we're bringing home a baby to this house so soon. I am still kind of (ok, a lot) in disbelief that this is even happening. I mean, I know I've been pregnant for, um, ever--but it still is very surreal that there will be a third little person we're in charge of really soon. I'm full term now, so whenever she chooses to make her appearance, we've got to be ready--and that's just insane to me. In a good way. Also, kind of, a scary way. I mean, I'm excited, like, way super excited to see her little face and have a newborn in my life again--but also nervous. I'm not nervous about labor or delivery or any of that, it's more so figuring out how to manage life without completely losing my sanity.

We'll figure it out, right? If not, there are meds for that I'm sure :P

I am so looking forward to seeing my girls as big (and biggest) sisters. They willingly spend time folding or hanging baby clothes, or helping in the nursery because they are just so excited. Emeline has a heart of gold, and that kid gets tears in her eyes, legit tears, every time she talks about meeting her baby sister, touching her tiny fingers and toes, and looking through teeny tiny newborn clothes. Both girls love on my bump like crazy, rubbing it, waiting for kicks and hiccups, telling her they love her and can't wait to meet her. They are old, baby-loving souls--and I hope it remains as exciting and special once she's actually here, too.

Me? Well, I'm good, mostly. I feel suuuuuper pregnant (duh). I am convinced that every pregnancy is definitely harder and harder on your body though, you know, with age. Things HURT. Sleeping hurts my hips and back and all the things. I feel like an achey old woman half the time, and I don't remember feeling it that much in this way last time. I could just be forgetting, or it could just be because I'm older? I don't know. Either way---soon there will be an outside baby to love and snuggle and hold and take photos of, and I'm really stinking excited about it, and ready to savor, savor, savor.

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We are coming up on our one year San Diego move anniversary, and it's crazy. That time flew by so fast. It has been such a fun, adventurous year, and so stretching and growing for our little family; a time to just really depend on one another and grow closer. It also comes with emotions of being away from most of our support system when going through such a big life change (having a baby), and feelings of loneliness can creep in. I'm truly trying to keep my focus on how I've felt God's hand lead and guide us every step of the way here. For that, and his provision for my family, I am seriously so humbled and thankful.

Everything will fall into place.

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Happy weekend...

A coast to coast Christmas

2015-12-28T18:16:00.000-05:00

For my memory's sake...

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This year, being our first Christmas away from all our family--we knew without a shadow of doubt we'd travel back to Pennsylvania for the holiday.

I knew I was cutting it a wee-bit close with how pregnant I am, but my OB ok'ed me to go, and hey! My ankles didn't even swell and I only peed 6 times on a 5 hour flight. It could have been worse. Bending over to retrieve things from the bags under the seats was probably the worst part-as my bend-over-abilities are limited these days. We arrived back to coldness we've not felt in a while (20's-30 degrees, maybe?), and it set Lucy off into a fit of tears. Girlfriend does NOT remember cold like that--and she doesn't like it one bit.

The crazy news is that somehow we must have brought the warmth with us. Over the next few days the temps rose up to wildly high record setting numbers, and we experienced a 70 degree Christmas Eve & Day in Pennsylvania. These things are basically unheard of. I did not complain, and Lucy stopped crying. :)

Despite having kids fighting off fevers, sporting gnarly coughs, and feeling generally sick and blah the whole time, we managed to make the most of our short trip. We got to see and connect with our old church community our first night in, Declan and I each got time with siblings separate and together, we saw our favorite friends, we stayed with my parents, so there were lots of grandparent snuggles on that side, and more. We made cookies, gingerbread houses, had brunches, ate the pizza we'd been craving, had hoagies from WaWa (some of you get it), and even ate at our favorite Mexican restaurant (even though they're littered on every street corner in San Diego, haha!).

Overall, despite sharing our sickness with friends and family (seriously--I am so sorry....and I love you all for still hanging with us)--it was great. Most things are the same back 'home', ok, everything is the same for the most part. But it's still really fun to come back and fit right into the mix again.

I made a video montage of some of our San Diego Christmas fun (we celebrated early with the girls), and then our PA Christmas celebrating. I think it's my 4th year of making a Christmas mash-up video, and I never regret it.

We are back to San Diego now, after a flight that caused me to kiss the ground upon arrival. Seriously--I am so over these flights so turbulence-ridden, and for so long, that people are vomiting all around me. I prayed that Jesus would forgive all my sins and begged him to get home to all our other "problems"--ie: needing to find a place to live, and move, and all that--you know, in the next week or so.

So that's where we're at. Still trying to figure out a place to live...but still remaining hopeful. 'Tis the season for that after all.

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Crazy town.

2015-12-08T13:55:00.002-05:00

I just read a post about calming down, settling our hearts for the holidays, really being able to be present and relaxed, about how important advent is...allow yourself to breathe and rest this Christmas season.

It made me a little sad because I feel completely the opposite, knowing this season will go by in a blip due to circumstances beyond our control.

A day ago our landlord called and basically said they want to finish the terms of the lease on our place, as they want to move back in. Originally, our terms were one year, and then going month to month after that, which was perfect for us with a baby coming early February. We were gonna hang here until after the baby for a few months, then look for a place with a little more space and tiny yard for the kids once life was more settled down. Now, though, that's no longer an option for us, and by January 1st, or as late as January 31st we'll be living in a new home. You know, like 11 days before a baby is due (or here already for all we know?) It's...ok, ok, it's a tiny bit stressful if I'm being honest.

Trying to find a decent rental in San Diego (in the area we want to be in) is not the easiest thing. The pickings are slim, and the crowds are furious. Not to mention, we have a trip to Pennsylvania planned for the holidays, and, oh, have to pack an entire house, again, while super duper pregnant at that.

The thing is, I'm actually pretty shocked at how little I'm worried about all this. Lately I've been one of those crying-at-everything pregnant women (no, really, it's....humiliating), and oddly enough this house situation hasn't been at the top of my crying-list. School bullying happening with my sweet kiddo, feeling a little bit lonely, Ellen videos on facebook? Those are all taking top priority in the tears-department. Being homeless in a few weeks isn't. Weird.

The truth is, in the end I just know in my heart that something will work out for us. I've been asked if I'm upset with my landlord (since they know I'm pregnant and all), and I'm not. This is their home, and it's their right. Honestly, this is one of those true tests of my trust in God, and his provision for our growing family. I need that from time to time to remind me of his faithfulness. I feel confident that he's got this and will somehow give me the strength to pack house, still have a restful visit with our family over the holidays, and get settled before our 3rd lady joins the family.

I keep saying that the silver lining in all this is that I was once worried that January would feel like an ETERNITY waiting for the arrival of our girl. Well, HA-HA on me, that will definitely not be the case if I'll be packing/moving/setting up house.

So many changes happening in the next few weeks/months for us. Instead of focusing on the stress of it all, I'm just grateful that we had this place to start our life here. It's been good to us.

Onto the next adventure....

The Bump Part 3 (Blanqi Goodness)

2015-12-04T09:41:00.000-05:00

I've not spent a whole lot of time talking about this bump or pregnancy, maybe it's a third kid thing, who knows. But one thing I do know is that comfort + support are pretty much the two biggest things I've sought out when its come to maternity clothes this time around.

My body responds to pregnancy like a grandma. My back aches because when my entire core is not strong, I'm a hot mess in that department. My knees hurt. My thighs grow big and I just generally don't feel like myself. It's all OK, because I know what my body is doing is good and wonderful. But it certainly helps to have articles of clothing that are A) Easy and Functional B) Ease the ache and pains.

When I discovered the maternity supportwear at Blanqi I am pretty sure I did a little happy dance. Their stuff looked amazing, people raved about it, and I was dying to get my hands on some Belly Support Leggings. I was lucky enough to also try out the UnderBust Belly Support Tank and holy-game-changer.

Don't freak out--but you're gonna see my sports bra. I know, I know. I thought the under bust thing would be super weird and uncomfortable, but it is totally the opposite, in fact it lifts and perks the girls up in a way that's actually quite flattering (when I'm wearing a normal bra). Obviously, you wear this little gem underneath your clothing.

This sucker has a built in support band that helps my back issues significantly. I used this while we traveled the coast and walked all those miles, and I truly think it's one of the reasons I survived. You can even use the tank to hide un-buttoned pants (if, you know, you can fit in pre-pregnancy clothes ~~not me~~). The tank top grows with you, for sure, but keeps your belly looking cute and round. The moisture-wicking fabric makes it a great addition to your workout gear, along with that support to keep your back in check, it's a winning gym combo. On the backside there's even x-shaped back anchors that lift and support the extra pregnancy pounds, lessening the stress on your back.

For reference, I'm in a medium. I'll definitely be able to wear this for another 9'ish weeks and I'm not even sure how I lived without it in my other two pregnancies. It's awesome.

You can see all the details of the tank on Blanqi's website .

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Aren't leggings the best thing to ever come into fashion? Seriously. They're easy and there are so many ways to wear them. Jeans both hurt and annoy me when I'm pregnant--but the Maternity Belly Support Leggings at Blanqi are like butter. The best part is, I don't feel like I'm suffocating in my tum/ribcage area. The full belly panel is soft and not at all restrictive, but yet, stays in place. The material DOES NOT ATTRACT LINT, and honestly, that's a huge pet peeve of mine, especially with black pants of any kind.

Pictures to get the idea:

Please, oh god, please know I would NEVER EVER wear them like this in public. I'm obviously trying to show you the full picture. I am totally on team cover-your-tush. The leggings are made from a breathable, moisture-wicking fabric, they have no seams, and truly feel so great on. They are not completely opaque, and there is tiny bit of sheen to them--personally, for me, I'd only wear them with a longer tunic top or under a cute dress. However, that's my normal rule for leggings anyway.

I'm in a medium with plenty of room and stretch to spare. Selfie angles are always more flattering, let's be honest. ;)

Pairing all the things together like the pro at comfort that I am....

If you've not found the comfort of Blanqi yet, do yourself a favor and go cruise their site for a bit--or stalk their cute instagram account.

Thanks BlanqiGirls for the love. My baby belly thanks you.

An unconventional Thanksgiving

2015-11-30T14:09:00.003-05:00

I hate regrets. One of the things Declan and I swore to each other when we moved to the other side of the country was to make sure we explored it. Kids in tow, all the madness that comes along with that, the details, the chaos, the fun---we were going to adventure the heck out of this new home.

This year we really had no Thanksgiving plans so it seemed like the perfect time to do more of that. We are headed back to Pennsylvania for Christmas, so Thanksgiving was definitely not on the table, too. We did do an early dinner on Saturday where I prepped an entire meal myself (and it didn't totally suck!) to celebrate with my sweet brother and his wife. But we had the time, the kids had off school, and so we figured we'd do a coastal drive up to San Francisco making some fun stops along the way.

When it came to planning, all it really took was one long morning of coffee & cinnamon buns at the kitchen table with Declan, a little bit of bickering, and some hotel plotting. The rest was all pretty go-with-the-flow from there.

Our stops were: Malibu, Santa Barbara, Solvang, San Simeon (southern point of Big Sur), Big Sur, and two days in San Francisco. We had planned to go to Monterey, too--but we were just running out of time and energy.

Instead of boring details, I'll just say this. I decided to do some choppy video footage along the way because when I mash up these videos it seems like my kids cling to them, love them, feel super connected to our trips even more. I know they're not professional, I know they're wonky, and it's ok. I like having the memories in more than just photos, because video just feels more real, even little tiny clips all hodge-podged together.

Was our trip perfect? HA HA, no. The kids fought here and there, they were too loud in the hotels, some restaurant stops had my eyes bulging out of my head due to their behavior--but overall? It was truly an adventure, and one I'm so glad we experienced together.

Coastal California from Katie Balla on Vimeo.

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Hope you had a happy, happy Thanksgiving weekend.

A privilege to love you.

2015-11-12T13:03:00.000-05:00

Parenting young kids is a selfless thing. Nothing will remind you more of that than when you have to untangle your very pregnant self from the most comfortable of pillow situations set up justttt right about 12x in one night because, kids, man. The grunting and groaning that goes into getting in and out of that pillow shelter is something from a scene of a movie I'd never want to see.

The back pain that happens if said pillows aren't set up just right isn't worth it. So grunting and groaning it is.

Needless to say it was one of those kinds of nights last night. The kind all parents have, some of us more often than others. Not anything crazy unusual-- but bad dreams comforted by a little arm-rub and a prayer, a little bribe to get back into bed, coughs that are annoying and nagging, and a fevered kiddo crawling into your bedroom because they're just too exhausted to walk on their feet. Setting up the 'sick-bed' next to your own, checking on sick big sister multiple times, and little sister coming in for a morning cuddle sesh (which is really more like a 'kicking mom with her freezing cold feet repeatedly' sesh).

A day that wasn't meant to be spent at home solely has now turned into that, and honestly--it's ok. Plans change and that's life with children, and life with school germs.

Even in these moments just now that I snuck away to the kitchen table to drink some water and munch on some honey nut cheerios while two little dress-up Elsa's watch Frozen, I am comforted. I'm comforted in the fact that we are all doing it. We are knee-deep in kid-needs and wants, and getting up from our bed 10x a night to comfort and love our little ones if need be.

In the time it took me to write this barely-a-post blog, I have filled up two cups of water, poured cereal, poured second helpings of cereal, changed two pairs of panties (Lucy is very indecisive on her character choices these days), dressed up a tiny Elsa character, blown noses that aren't mine, paused the movie to settle an argument, and re-attached the back of the dress-up gown, again.

Life is a constant up/down, and sometimes literally--as the second you sit, you are riiiight back up again doing something else for your kid (I just cut a bowl of strawberries...it never ends). I may sometimes do it with a grunt or a groan, but I'm constantly reminded that the privilege of children is just that. Always, but especially in this month dedicated to gratitude, I'm going to try to keep remembering that little fact. Raising and loving these little people is a privilege. Less moaning and whining and more gratitude. More love.

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I don't 'life update' and yet here I am.

2015-09-19T18:55:00.004-04:00

It is so strange to me how writing and updating here has become so foreign. So much so that a ton of life has happened between the silence of posts, and besides an instagram pic here or there, writing about huge life things just doesn't happen. I still like looking back on certain aspects of my life with small children from this space and reading about things that I've already forgotten. You know?

It turns out that all that horribly cheesy stuff about time moving so fast and stuff is so damn true after all. Because somehow, this afternoon, I'm sitting here in my little San Diego home, having lived here for 8 months already (what?!), with a 20 week baby in my belly (surprise!), a husband with a new job, and a full-time kindergarten student (how?) Life is wild.

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I remember thinking that Kindergarten would certainly come fast, but in those long, hard days of toddler stubbornness, it really felt more like a million years away. Somehow though, this is our reality now. Our first baby is totally not a baby anymore and she's off all day to Kindergarten. It's crazy to me that I'm an official school-mom now. No more lazy mornings and bumming-it in pj's until whenever we want. We drive up the hill and I walk her the few blocks into school each morning, total "90210"-style with outdoor hallways and all. Oh, southern California. :) Each afternoon, I walk back over and pick her up. Lucy's preschool is on the same street, so it makes it pretty convenient and all the extra walking is probably a hidden blessing, right? That's what I tell myself on the super-hot days as sweat is literally dripping from my back. It is our hottest time of year here, after all.

She's in a really cool 50/50 Spanish immersion program, so she spends half of her days in the English classroom, and half of her days fully immersed in a Spanish-only speaking classroom. It's really so neat and the fact that this is our public school option makes it even better (FREE!). We are loving being in a very diverse community and school. So far the school drama seems to be limited to 'who sits where' at lunch, and for now, that's about all I can handle.

She's transitioning as well as I thought she would. One whiny day where she didn't want to go to school, but mostly waking up with a smile, getting herself dressed, and having "tooootally great" days. (If you saw my instagram video, you know what I'm referring to :) )

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Declan got a new job here in San Diego, totally out of the blue. No more remote-working from home, as he traded all that in for better pay (hallelujah), and working with a team of developers in a really cool office pretty close by. I'm really proud of him. The opportunity completely landed in his lap, as he was not searching for a job at all. Turns out that LinkedIn recruitment is a real thing, and if you have the skills someone needs then you could totally be head-hunted and offered an amazing opportunity completely out of left field. We honestly felt that the entire way it worked out made it clear as day that this was the direction we were to head for our family, and a month or so in, we're still feeling great about it. I was able to cut back on my work hours a little, too.

While I thought I'd be bummed to not have him working from home anymore, it really is ok after all. Our new routines fell into place, I gained a bedroom back in our house, and come afternoon we all really can't wait to see him again.

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We had promised ourselves that this would be the year for a really great family vacation. I know we live in a vacation destination, but still, there's something to be said about a week away where you don't have to do the dishes for once. Earlier this year we booked a trip to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico and in August we spent a blissful week doing a whole lot of nothing but pool lounging, eating, drinking (sadly, not me...), and sleeping. It was on this vacation where we announced that there would be another crazy-fun addition to the family in early February.

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Andddd so I guess that leads me to the whole pregnancy thing? I wasn't ready for a long time to do the whole baby thing again, it's true. We had been thoroughly enjoying our time with kids a tad bit older, who were capable of skipping naps and full-day adventures, and of course, diaper-less bliss! But we've always both known that when the time is right, we'd both agree, and we'd just go for it. All in. Turns out, that little nudging came a few months after moving here and we were both on board.

Back when I used to over-share like crazy (uh, sorry...no, really I'm sorry), you know I've had my rough-go with pregnancies and sickness. It's safe to say that this baby was no different, as I spent the first two months pretty much flat-out in bed, unable to move half the time, let alone work out for about 5-6 weeks. I frequently reminded myself to keep the end goal in sight, that I had my entire life to be fit, and that this will be over in a blip--which I still believe. But, dude, those long days of feeling like hell are not fun, not even a tiny bit. I was just glad when we could finally tell our girls (we told them at about 10 weeks), and a huge sigh of relief came over Emeline. She was so very worried about me for so long, and had so many questions as to why "God didn't heal mommy when I prayed!" It broke my heart. But all is well now, and she understands that sometimes making babies can make the mommas sick.

The good news is, thanks to a 1/2 of a tiny tablet of over-the-counter unisom at night, my sickness has subsided a great deal and I'm mostly normal again. I've been back to the gym and doing as much as I can do, burpees and all. But pregnancy cravings don't lie, and I'm not gonna hashtag #fitpregnancy because the truth is I'm getting fluffy and my thighs don't lie. I will have a legitimate amount of weight to lose post baby, but I'll worry about that when it's time. Until then...let's go to Chick-fil-a.

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All my Pennsylvania family came into town two weeks ago and spent time in San Diego doing fun stuff and hanging out before my little brother's wedding weekend. YES, that's right---that sweet, adorable baby brother of mine is now taken, and by a frickin' awesome lady at that. We are so very glad he met his match, and I have another awesome sister-in-law in Sarah. The wedding was as amazing as you could imagine a hipster-desert wedding to be. Every.little.detail.

gorgeous photo courtesy of Yes, Dear. Studio

Oh, and when our family was around, we figured it would be fun to find out just WHO was inside that belly of mine. To no surprise at all, we found out that our 3rd little love is indeed, our 3rd baby girl. 3 sisters. 3 girls. All the love. We feel triply blessed.

19 week belly // celebrating baby girl #3 with pink silly string & confetti on the beach (we cleaned up :)

A lot of life has happened, and so much more than this long update nonsense. I'm currently reading Hands Free Mama and being challenged every second of it; to live in the present, forget about my phone more often, and live this sweet life with my people. 'Cuz after all, if this Kindergarten thing has taught me anything at all, it's that this time thing really does go way too fast.

Lucy girl turns 3

2015-07-28T18:49:00.003-04:00

Oh Lucy, tomorrow you're 3 and girl, you are oh so excited it, too. Part of me is doing the whole, 'where did my baby go?'-thing, and the other part of me is like, 'FINALLY!' because you've been acting so much older than your age for a good, long time now.

You are perfectly YOU. You are so much different than your sister in so many ways. We love that you have your very own personality and that you need a different part of us than she needs. We love that you rely on an extra snuggle or long, long embrace throughout the day to keep you going. We love that you're just a little bit cautious of everyone around you. We love that you're oh-so-hilarious, and sometimes save that silliness just for the comfort of home.

We love that little voice of yours, that so perfectly and eloquently (and maybe a bit back-talk'y at times) can state exactly what's going on, and how you feel. We all envy that gorgeous head of hair you have, and talk about how in your college-years you'll be able to roll out of bed and head to class looking fab in no-time. You are so natural, so lovely, with the most squishable and soft cheeks of all time.

You're a little bit needy, clinging to adults and comfort around you when you're feeling a bit unsure. But with a little warming up you're completely good to go, and end up always having "the best day EVER!"

You love to re-live your days and talk about what we did. You still confuse "today" and "tonight" and get mad if we say we're doing something tonight, because it's just not soon enough. If we say 'today', you are satisfied. You giggle and dance and say "oh-em-gee", which kills me. You use your imagination and play with your dolls and make up little voices and scenes. Speaking of dolls, you are such a good little momma, always feeding, and shushing and rocking your babies to sleep.

I still get nightly visits from you--you've never quite gotten over your need for a midnight cuddle from your momma. I try not to let to it bother me, because part of me says you're still so little, and the other part of me knows that in the end, this will all be over in a flash. You're such a little lover, and you can't hate that.

You're constantly affirming your dad and I. You frequently tell us we're 'the best dad ever!/the best mom ever!' and tell us how much you love us. You adore your sister, but she's the one person who can get under your skin in a flash. You two are either the best of friends or worst of enemies. Most of your fights breeze over quickly, but every single day is filled with lots of I'm sorry's and forgiveness between you two.

Life with you is fun! And silly! And way, way cuter. We're excited for another great year of life with you, Lucy girl, and we love you so, so much.

happy birthday sweet love.

A few days before you turn F I V E.

2015-05-07T09:25:00.000-04:00

Somehow your birthday crept on me, sweet girl. It's funny how that could happen, considering how many times you've reminded me and asked for a countdown again. But it's finally here. This weekend you turn 5.

I think I pushed it far from my mind, if I'm being honest with myself. Something about this age both excites me to no end, and terrifies me. Something about this age, turning 5, just feels so large, so monumental, like I have a real kid now. Something about this age makes me feel like I'm no longer a Rookie in this parenting gig. And yet--most days I still have no clue what I'm doing.

I know there have been a lot of days recently I've said, "but I remember you as my baby--I can feel you in my arms, so little, so new-..." I've looked at you and our eyes meet, and you've seen mine well up with tears and you keep hearing us say, "how did this happen? how are we here already? how are you so big?" And you smile, with that tender little smile that makes your eyes squinty and twinkle a little--and when we ask you to stay little you giggle and tell us just how gosh darn excited you are to be turning five.

The truth is--the very truth of the matter is that we are excited that you are turning five, too. Even though I may not act like it all the time. Even though the thought of it turns this non-crier into a crier at the drop of a hat. Even though I ask how you got big, so fast, over and over again until you roll your eyes and say, "Mommmm". Even when I show you baby pictures that pop up in my timehop every day and swear that this cannot be. The truth is we are happy--because we are so lucky that we've had five wonderful years with you in it, Ems.

You are the baby that knit your daddy and I together in a way we weren't before, making us all a little family.

You are the toddler who we helicoptered over at the park and made sure was safe from bumps and bruises.

You are the big girl who continually surprises us, teaches us, reminds us of God's love for us every single day.

You are a delight. Simply put--a joy.

This year is huge. For you, for me. For us. You've championed through big changes and you've transitioned with such grace and ease. You have taught us to slow down and enjoy our surroundings, always noticing every bird song through the air, or strange ocean plant that's washed up on the shore. You're so great at making new friends and being confident in who you are as a person. This makes the thought of big changes like Kindergarten just slightly easier, because I know you got this. Because you know you got this.

Living life with you as my first daughter is special and good. Every day I anticipate your gentle smile and freckly face coming up to me whispering 'g'morning, mommy' and giving me unforgettable hugs. Every time you spontaneously tell me you love me or I'm the 'best mom ever' I adore it because I know this won't last forever even though I wish it would.

You've always had a way, ever since you were teeny tiny, of making people around you feel loved. I can attest, it's truer than true. This is such a gift. You are such a treasure.

As we go onto 5--you and I, and Daddy and Lucy---(because we're all in this together, you know), let's make it good. No, the best ever. I've heard 5 is good, but let's blow it out the water, it's gonna be friggin' great.

Happy birthday sweet Emeline Kay. You are loved, loved, loved.

Let's celebrate!

To live simply is to live clear.

2015-04-30T11:39:00.000-04:00

One of the many benefits of moving such a far distance is having to be mindful of exactly what you choose to take with you. It quickly becomes a lesson in simplifying. One that can be kind of hard at first, but yet insanely freeing.

When you've got two small 8'x5x7' storage containers to ship everything you think you'll need to start your life over, you think about everything. Will this benefit me there? Will I be annoyed when I open this box to see I wasted time and space to ship this? Does it serve a purpose to help our life?

Our home in Pennsylvania wasn't large by most people's standards back East--but somehow, in that townhome we managed to accumulate a whole lot of junk over the years. Every single closet, every single drawer must be opened when you move. There is no more secret-keeping and hiding the 'dirty laundry' behind door #1. Those leftover Christmas boxes that would be perfect for the cookie-making I never did shoved back in the depths of the closet had to be uncovered. The cheap purses and beach bags I'd collected over the last 10 years filled with old receipts were found. The old boxes upon boxes of my things from my teaching days I held onto "just in case" were just collecting dust.

If moving revealed anything to me it's that even if I didn't think so, I had excess. I had excess of most everything and moving revealed all our dirty little secrets about what we really had. What we held onto. What kind of junk was lurking behind drawers and closet doors.

I wish I had kept count, because I can't even tell you how many bags of clothes I gave away. How many baby toys, swaddles, jumpers, all the stuff you keep 'in case' that we got rid of. Endless amounts of things that ended up by curb, things that went to donation, were given to friends and family, and things that got sold.

Every single thing that came with us to this side of the country was a conscious decision as we put it into a box because, mostly, we needed it.

I cannot even tell you how relieving it was when we packed up those two u-boxes knowing full well that everything we were taking had a purpose. There wasn't much excess. There was no room for that.

Unpacking on this side was wonderful and dare I say--easy. When you aren't looking for closets and drawers to tuck things away you 'may' need one day--it's funny, but, you end up with lots of free drawers in your kitchen and open closet space. And it's NICE.

It's refreshing.

I've always talked about simplifying. I WANT TO LIVE LIKE A MINIMALIST! I live in a small'ish house, so clearly back in Pennnsylvania I was "living simply", as my sign boasted on the wall.

But no. We weren't. I wasn't.

To live simply is to live clear, to live easily, with what you need and not too much more.

Do I still have too many clothes? Yes. Are there far too many little girl shoes thrown around the living room? Yes. Have I perfected this simplifying thing? No.

But did we make a huge, giant leap in the process? Absolutely.

sim·pli·fy

(sĭm′plə-fī′)

tr.v. sim·pli·fied, sim·pli·fy·ing, sim·pli·fies

To make simple or simpler, as:

a. To reduce in complexity or extent.

b. To reduce to fundamental parts.

c. To make easier to understand.

I don't know about you, but reducing complexity is always welcomed in my life.

We may have a long ways to go, but hitting the refresh button certainly helped us reevaluate all that stuff.

***

When you feel unsure-press in.

2015-04-09T15:08:00.003-04:00

I was the first one to preach that it didn't matter where we were, it was just that we'd be together. If we had one another, it didn't matter that we were leaving the home we brought our babies home to, the one we poured so much love and care.

It wasn't about the place we lived. The physical walls of the place we called home. Home is wherever we were together. I preached that over and over and over to myself.

And then that very first night, two+ months ago, after traveling thousands of miles by plane and being extremely sleep deprived--we turned the key into what would be our new home for the year. Just like that all my prior self talk flew right out the window.

I'm not sure if it was just seeing a place so stark, so empty, so cold. It held no memories for us. It was dark outside, so no hope of sunlight was beaming through the windows to touch my shoulder and tell me it was ok. It was...just not home. We walked room to room, faking smiles for the kids but shooting looks of what did we do back and forth to one another. We'd seen it in photos. It felt ok. But that night, over exhausted from all the traveling, I felt worried that I could not make this place feel like home. No matter how 'together' we were. I was forgetting to practice what I preached all this time.

That night we went back to the hotel and I sunk into the bed with a face full of tears. I said things out of pure exhaustion like, I think we made a mistake. What did we do? We took our babies away from everything they knew. Should we go back?

I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure we had made the right decision.

In those moments Declan held me and he promised me--he promised that we would tackle making this place feel more like home tomorrow, with fresh eyes, and sleep. That we could do it--that we could pretty much do anything if we were together.

He was right. That next morning our boxes were delivered, we had hired two moving helpers, and as I saw some of our familiar things come into this place it did start feeling more and more like home. People commented that "wow-I can't believe you settled so fast". But you don't understand, we had no choice but to make this place feel as warm as we could, as fast as can be.

Moving so far was our choice, yes--but it doesn't mean that we didn't cling to some sense of what we felt back home in Pennyslvania. We needed to feel settled, see the things that felt familiar.

It brought us comfort.

I can safely say that although this little rental place is just that--a rental. It really feels like home to us. We're all here, we all feel settled, we're all together.

It's the place that holds our laughter, our tears, our fights, all our crap, and the buckets of sand we drag in on our feet from the beach. It's the place we feel we can breathe and just be us.

It's hard for me to share the story of what a struggle that first day or two was for me. I know that on the outside it can look so perfect and glamorous and oh so fun. But those initial feelings of shock, worry, feeling like an alien in a new place--yea, those were all really real to me. While I'm grateful I don't feel that way anymore, it was part of the growing and learning process.

Grow and learn. grow and learn...

If I could send sunshine in a bottle.

2015-03-07T17:33:00.001-05:00

Last year I was pegged as the chronic winter complainer. I absolutely know I whined and oh my gosh, if school closed again just go ahead and kill me. That winter really messed with me, a lot. With a toddler and a preschooler who both seemed to aggravate the ever living heck out of one another every two and a half seconds plus living in a small'ish house--we were so done. I was so done.

Now, we obviously live 2600 miles away from the mess that's happening back home. I see the facebook posts and the instagram photos and the cries for help on blog posts about #hurryupspring. And I SO GET IT.

I really, totally do.

I know how real it is to feel trapped and jailed by weather. To feel like 'oh my god, will the sun ever shine again?', and to truly doubt that it ever will. To see another 10" snow storm in the forecast one day after getting 2 feet dumped on you and feel sick to your stomach about it. To see piles of snow so high you know it's not possible they'll melt until May, at least. To get excited for 30 or 40 degree weather and actually think it's acceptable to go coat-less because it's a notch up from the single digits. How miserable it can be to be stuck inside with kids clawing at the walls and cabin fever so bad that nothing except a trip to the park in sunshine and flip flops can cure.

I only had to suffer through the very early stages of winter this year. Before long we were on the west coast down here in our little San Diego slice of heaven where 70 degrees and sunshine became our new winter 'normal'. You can go ahead and hate me if you are in the misery stage of winter right now. It's ok--I don't mind. (Just remember all the work, people I loved that we left, and logistics that go into a cross country move when you're doing the hating, ha!) I mean, it's 84 degrees today and I'm wearing shorts. I'm wearing shorts in March, which frankly, is unheard of where I'm from. The weather no longer holds us back, basically, from anything. School is always open. The beach is no longer reserved for just 'vacation'.

But no matter how much our daily life and weather patterns over on this side of the country have changed--I don't forget. Oh no, I don't forget for a hot second that feeling and that misery that comes along with a never ending winter. If you've not been there, not felt what it's like to be stuck inside for endless day with children (snow days pre-children were pure awesome by the way...), with a huge lack of Vitamin D, and the winter blues that comes along with it---remember to be nice. You don't get it and you may never get it. I hope you don't, actually. Because Endless Winter is exhausting, and hard, and soul-draining. And if you're someone who loves all this winter nonsense and being trapped indoors with kids for endless days, I don't understand you-but it's ok. To each his own.

So, my friends and family in that "We hope it's the end but we just don't know if another storm will slap us in the face"-season, I love you. I get it. And I'm praying for your sanity.

Eventually all your #hurryupspring hashtags will come forth.

And next winter you will book your tickets to see us to escape all that nonsense, yes? Just say yes.

xo