This time, it was like watching me many years ago, but this time as the ‘older’ gal with a family. All the young hot things were well, looking hot and having a good time. Not surprisingly, they got up later than we did. A lot later which was kind of embarrassing. Showing up for breakfast before 7:30am. Shameful.

At our all-inclusive resort (Fiesta Americana Condesa), they really did provide everything. Service was impeccable. I can’t say enough. 24 hours a day, anything you want.

No additional cost and if you do happen to tip, they practically hand you their first born. I asked if they’d take my first born if I tipped more; however, they preferred not to, though regardless of first language spoken, they clearly don’t know how to say the word ‘no’. Everything was “of course” in English and well, something I can’t remember in Spanish.

Our accommodations were nice. It’s an older, Spanish style with a few needed upgrades. Very clean however and perfectly fine for our needs. Providing a complimentary stocked mini-bar certainly didn’t warrant any complaints from us.

The shows and kid’s club were pretty good. We missed a few shows as Julia tended to crash during dinner. There was a teen’s club which was nice for Alec as there was ‘gaming’, movies etc. I don’t think a true ‘teen’ would have been caught dead in there however.

Thong bikinis. What to say. I found the overuse of thong bikinis a bit troubling. No, not because I’m jealous but rather because I can’t figure out why anyone (i.e. most people) who clearly should NOT wear one, would choose to anyway.

Why? And more importantly, why would a thong violator wear one when their friends who CAN wear one are walking right next to them? I think a review of Bathing Suit wearing 101 might be warranted. You don’t wear a skimpier bathing suit than your skinnier friends!

If I hadn’t done substantial research, I might be a bit shocked by the lack of A/C. Especially if coming from a cooler weather climate as the majority of the hotel is open air.

I knew this going in but still had a bit of a problem with a couple of the restaurants. Especially when there is a ‘dress code’. Maybe it’s just me but dressing in semi-nice clothes and sweating like a menopausal woman (oh wait..) while eating dinner is not my idea of comfortable.

So much so, that one evening, I took my food to go; anywhere I could find cooler.

Overall, this resort was incredible and certainly not-budget busting. A non-stop two hour flight from Austin made it even better and a sure bet we will go again. Once my liver and full tummy recover that is.

Fast forward 28 (good grief I'm getting old) years and I'm not cheerleading again but am playing tennis. A lot of tennis. I'm loving tennis so much, I'm playing about 4-5 times a week.

I'm lucky in that my 'neighborhood' has many leagues for literally ALL skill levels and ages. I'm playing on two leagues (USTA and WTTA) and interestingly am better than I was in highschool.

I have to recommend it to anyone with a little time on your hands. It's not expensive (unless you take drills), is great exercise and if you're like some of the women on the courts, you can play well into your 70's.

Plus the long lines? And in the heat? No way! Sticking a lit matchstick into my eyeball sounded better.

Until, that is, we realized a little known (except to those in Austin) secret. There's an odd three day school 'holiday' if you will that occurs in February of each year.

No one really knows why. It's not Spring Break. It's not 'the' holidays as they kind of just ended. No, it's a three day shut down in the middle of Feb. when no one else in the entire world (apparently) has off.

Well, evidently everybody blows off the last two days of the school week and goes on holiday.

Whether it be skiing, Disney, to visit relatives or whatever, it's incredibly CHEAP to go during this obscure time of the year. Airline flights and hotel rooms are begging for you to come visit them.

Our airline wouldn't even let us pay baggage fees!?

It's similar to Macy's coupon days when they sorta pay YOU to buy stuff.

Similar gig here.

So, after we felt sufficiently prepared (even asking the teachers for the work we'd would miss during the two days off and being advised 'Nobody really comes to class those two days anyway so there really isn't much to miss") we head on out to our very civilized mid Saturday afternoon flight.

Smooth, direct flight. Town car pickup, beautiful view room is ready and it's all pretty perfect.

To shorten the story up a bit, the entire week was smooth.

If we did encounter any ride or attraction line, it was only a few minutes which allowed us to see and do almost everything in record time.

People were incredibly gracious and polite.

We were there 8 days and 7 nights, hit four parks which allowed some pool and 'down' time and ate incredible food. Got up at 8:30am or so on our last day and leisurely got ready to go the airport again.

I really hope this little gem stays a secret and no other schools buy into this. It's simply a family vacation time come true.

Now, if anyone could just clarify WHY in fact we do get these three days off., actually, never mind. I don't care. Just keep it going.

I’m humored at the men (of all ages) who forget they’re not in their cars on the highway.

They speed around the corners, grumble at you when you’re not moving fast enough and have such a look of disdain on their faces. They really appear to be angry they are there.

They probably are.

I’m guessing they’re also a bit peeved that there aren’t any man carts. Smaller carts that can aid in getting them their 3 or 4 (and no more of course, that would require impulse buying) items they came for.

They should have stores for men only. No browsing allowed.

They can get their aggressions out with other men who can understand their pain.

We have three public elementary schools, a public middle school and two private preschools just within S.R.

Though we already have community centers with pools, tennis courts, playgrounds, we have the UT Golf club, a grocery, gas station, dermatologist, martial arts studios, several dentists, restaurants, gym, doctors, hair salons etc., we are soon to be indulged with a very large grocery chain, Starbucks, more shops, etc.

Steiner also boasts numerous year-round children’s activities, clubs, groups, teams, lessons, classes, troops, tutors, birthday party options and so on.

It’s a parent/child paradise.

I mean a NEVER ENDING selection of "camps". I’ve never heard of some of them but apparently the ‘camp vendors’ have found that you take your ‘camp’ to Steiner and parents will come.

No matter what it is – IF it fits with mom’s schedule, it’s offered and ‘full’. Oh, but wait, if they become ‘full’, a second ‘camp’ (or more) is immediately offered.

These ‘vendors’ are geniuses. Nothing is more than 2-3 max miles away for snappy drop-off and pick-up.

So, along with the ‘expected’ camps such as soccer, tennis, golf, swim, martial arts, basketball, football, baseball, cheerleading, various art camps, gymnastics, there is also Lego camp, boating camp, Secret Agent Lab, Moving with Science, Red Hot Robots (Alec loved that one), Spy Academy and several other ‘science’ camps, Culinary Camp, Kidventure camp, Academic camps, Sportball camp, music, Hip Hop and several dance camps to name A FEW.

I swear I think (and maybe admit to myself) that no one cares what the h*ll the camp is called or what it entails, IF IT FITS WITH MOM’S SCHEDULE, we’re in.

Cost? No bother, we’ll figure it out later.

I’m just waiting for the ‘shuttle service’ option to come pick up and drop off the kids to save us moms the 2 minute drive to and from ‘camp’.

I have some ideas.

‘nose picking camp’, ‘meth-making camp’, ‘money laundering camp’, ‘learning petty theft camp’, ‘how to lie to your parents successfully camp’, ‘how to bully camp’, ‘watching paint dry camp’, ‘designer jean stealing camp’, ‘TV watching camp’, ‘cheating at school camp’, ‘car theft camp’, ‘gambling with your parents money camp’, ‘booze and candy stealing camp’, ‘how to make the loudest farts camp’, ‘how to sneak into R rated movies camp’, or ‘we can’t think of anything so we’ll just call it a camp, camp’ and they’d be successful!

No, really.

Just one more reason why we love living in Steiner Ranch.

As noted in Senior Citizen Dating, my mother was a dating novice and tended to limit herself to old men with such strict requirements as ‘no moustaches or pets’ and to dining only at iHop. As much as I begged, pleaded, attempted to insult/embarrass her for what appeared to be a lack of finesse and/or refinement she kept reminding me this was her ‘gig’ and to back off. Humph.

Well, what a year it’s been. Not only do I have trouble keeping track of my mother’s men friends, with the exception of one emotionally challenged bozo who looked like an elderly mannequin due to excessive plastic surgery apparently from a third world country, she has them all pining for her.

Her phone rings off the hook; she has now dined at more restaurants in Austin then me, can now correctly pronounce many wine varietals, is getting her nails and hair done professionally, is well-known by the local florist and can’t seem to drop a dime no matter how hard she tries.

I also like that she claims she is making them chase her because she's keen on that they’ll keep coming back as long as she doesn’t dig any one of them 'too much'.

I can barely get her on the phone any longer. I know she’s screening my calls at times because as much as she claims (verbally in her Kentucky/Virginia-ish accent) she ‘just can’t figure out how this darned mobile phone thing works’, I’ve seen her covertly ‘decline’ calls when she just can’t place which man is calling at the time.

She looks at her phone with head tilted sideways, trying to I.D. the caller’s phone number, finally sighing and muttering ‘Oh no, I think it might be Carl, or wait, Tom? Oh never mind’ and tossing her phone down like she can’t be bothered.

Admittedly, I’ve tuned her out a bit when she does give the weekly rundown of her dating calendar as I simply can't keep track. It reminds me of a girlfriend of mine who used to call me every few days and talk about her ‘boyfriend’. I finally admitted that the turnover was so high I had absolutely no idea which one she was referring to.

After a rather uncomfortable conference with my mother in order to write this post, I believe I may just have her candidates men friends correctly identified:

There’s Mac the dentist, the friend Temple (who tells her daily that he will wait forever for her to realize he is ‘the one’ for her), Tom, some guy from San Antonio who’s name escapes me, Bozo (who I’m hoping she’s still not seeing on the sly as I just can’t approve), Lee who is simply ‘too old but sweet as the dickens’, Marty, Darrell, Ed, Carl (who lied about his age – do old people do this too?) and apparently another guy named Clyde (not also known as Bozo, per above). Two Clyde’s? (How common of a name was that a hundred years ago?), G.W. (still don’t know what that stands for but that he’s 64 and ‘she’s just not that into him’), a new entrant named Joe and John, poor John who just finally gave up.

So, in summary, my mother is getting her dating groove on and, enjoying some pretty spectacular meals to boot. Go mom.

She must get this from me though my filter tends to crumble in direct correlation to how much wine I’ve drank. No, she doesn’t drink (yet) and I’m afraid if she has no filter now, what degree of restraint will SHE have in the future?

As early as two years ago, I realized the trouble I may be in due to her debating strategies as noted in Discussions and Debates.

Anyway, here’s a few Julia'isms of late:

2. “So when you die, do you burn up or do your bones break?”

3. “Saying idiot, stupid and whatever ‘are part of the law’.”

4. "It was an ACCIDENT" when busted after illegal snacking.

5. At woman walking into Nordstrom from parking lot “Your shoes do NOT go with your outfit”. Frankly Julia was dead wrong, they looked perfectly fine. If you’re going to criticize one’s fashion sense, at least don’t be WRONG.

6. To the nice manager at Calif. Pizza Kitchen “Are you getting married?” He was wearing a button down shirt and tie.

7. “Are you Big Daddy?” to my friend Leticia’s husband. Not clear on where that came from.

6. To Leticia herself “Are you 45”? She’s looks and is nothing remotely close.

7. “Is that lady having a baby or just fat?” Fortunately said verbal assault victim didn’t hear this.

8. "I’d like to go to great Granddad’s cemetery and get him. Can we unbury him?”

9. “Why does Alec always play with is penis?” If I only knew the answer to that; ask your father.

10. When realizing Julia had walked out with a necklace from The Children’s Place, I told her we had to take it back immediately as we didn’t pay for it. Her response “But you didn’t SEE me take it right?”. Klepto

11. “You shouldn’t laugh at anybody who toots and burps. Well, okay, farts.”

12. “Did you know there’s a cookie slide? And for real life.”

13. “I’ve decided I’m a vegetarian. And for real life.”

14. To Alec’s (male) teacher at a volunteer luncheon “Quit spitting on me”. Then she moved her chair over to get some distance.

Julia has a significant adverse reaction to anything that smells e.g. food, coffee, bathrooms etc. She’ll say “I can’t breathe” and “Oh MY GOSH, it smells SO bad and I clearly can’t be in here."

Maybe I just need to refrain from speaking near her when I've been imbibing.

What happens - nothing. Zip. Nothing changes.

This past year, oddly enough, I realized that pretty much doing the opposite worked well. I actually exercised less, ate differently, drank about the same and lost weight. Weird I know, but you do what works.

So, this leaves me with something new to resolve.

Saving money has always been a bit problematic for me. I don't really care for it as I like to spend money.

Apparently spending is not always such a good idea and according to my husband, needs to cease, stat.

Though I believe he's attempted to get this across to me for about 11 years now, I'm finally listening.

So, among other changes, I must bid adieu to CHO. I'll miss you.

No, not eating too much, more STUFF will be coming into my house.

I’m constantly cleaning OUT my house. I’m a regular at the various local charity drop-off locations. I really LOVE it when they call me (pretty much weekly at this point as I think I'm on their speed dial) and say a truck will be in my area….I start to feel giddy with ideas of what I can dispose of. I also love consignment shops and selling stuff on Craigslist.

I think I have a real anxiety condition as I feel claustrophobic and very uneasy when there’s ‘too much’ stuff in my house. That's why I have an eight piece child toy maximum.

I know it’s not normal as everyone who comes over to my house asks ‘where’s all your stuff?’ like we haven’t really fully moved in.

My husband always wants to ‘put stuff in the attic’.

My prerequisite for this to occur is simply two-part:

1. We must expect to use it again and,

2. Expected use must be no more or less than annually. (If I have more than holiday decorations up there I’ll lay awake at night and try to remember what it is and if it can be sold, donated or disposed of).

I’ve decided I’m old enough to get to eliminate that stress, hence the above rule.

I’m always secretly getting rid of things when no one is home. The objections get barked out like impassioned trial lawyers if anyone gets a glimpse that I’m getting rid of anything.

They challenge every little fragment of anything and everything like it is their most cherished treasure.

If it hasn’t been used, played with, looked at, sat on, worn (well, with the exception of say shoes, I'm not completely bonkers), slept in or eaten in the last month, it gets tossed.

I’ve been attempting to get my family on board with a ‘no gifts’ Christmas program this year but so far to no avail.

I covertly kind of got them on a 'one gift' program for their respective birthdays but not everyone willingly participated. Some birthday party participant parents thought I was completely crazed and pretty much told me so. I asked them to kindly include a bottle of Xanax then.

I’ve suggested going on a weekend road trip (though we really can’t get far and no where near where they really want to go) or working with a charity and passing out gifts to those less fortunate. How about serving soup or holiday meals?

No dice.

I even threw in ‘how about we go and enjoy the theatre and a yummy dinner’? They just looked at me with tilted heads like I was speaking Mandarin.

I’ve still got a little bit of time before Christmas to try and sell the plan. Otherwise, I’ll just dispose of more stuff in order to be ‘in the red’ after Christmas, stuff speaking.

I wonder if I can get a reality show. The Hoarders get one so why shouldn’t I?

Why they would choose Snoremack again is really a mystery. Or is it?

Since he awkwardly declined to choose a gal in his first spin in The Bachelor dating ring, doesn’t he pretty much have to pick a girl this time around?

According to People magazine last week, he says he’s pretty sure he will find a wife this round.

In fact, he apparently has had ‘years of therapy and introspection’ so I guess that means, he’s ready for a wifey. Hmmmm...

Why don’t the producers make it easy on themselves and simply bring back the remaining eligible girls from last time? He already knows them, and they him so…why bring in a bunch of new gals?

And why do my two favorite cities have the two most hated bachelors? Never mind, irrelevant.

And once again, I hate myself for even being interested. And I am. I’ll start drinking wine again, I’ll have to plan social events around the show and even get my kids to bed early on time.

But I will NOT, accost his younger brother Wes (and baby) again at the Austin Toyota dealership for a picture.

And I’ll watch the whole da*n series again.

I went to buy some shorts and other hot weather duds as I have an upcoming trip to Hawaii.

I figured since its still 90+ degrees in Austin, I wouldn’t have a problem finding some.

Wrong.

Why can I only find sweaters, corduroy pants, wool scarves and hats? I get that it MIGHT get cold for a few weeks in say, FEBRUARY, but for crying out loud!

Though I bitched and whined when my husband brought home the fish and tank, I slowly grew attached to them.

When he gave up caring for them and suggested they be taken to the local pond, I said no, I would feed them, clean their tank to a sparkly shine, ensure they were talked to etc.

I simply added the fish and tank responsibility to my endless list of tasks.

We’ve had the fish about a year now so really they became our house pets.

Last weekend I cleaned the tank, carefully setting the water temperature just right in order to avoid shocking them with too warm or too cold water and proudly placed the tank back on the counter.

All shiny and new looking, I admired my work.

I got up the next morning to all three of them floating on the top. Dead.

As noted in FISH, I didn’t want fish. So, nobody believed me when I said it was an accident.

A thorough investigation into the deaths revealed I had forgotten to add the critical drop of dechlorinator.

Sigh….maybe we’ll get a cat.

One website that currently advertises on my site, is Party Favor Boxes. I reviewed this site very closely as I’m always looking for baby or bridal shower favors or even unique, elegant birthday items that don’t break the (ie. my) bank.

What’s cool on this site, is that you can choose the size that fits your treat or favor, a style that matches your party décor, add ribbon or even a personalized custom printed thank-you tag for a professional appearance.

Depending on the quantity needed you can actually get the whole shindig for less than $2.00 per favor. Note, the items typically come as a 'set'.

I might have to re-think hitting Target’s $1.00 section now for my kids’ birthday party guest bags! I never get out of there for less than $7.00 a bag and they're not nearly as nice as what this site offers.

Kudos!

Crime scene: Swim meet
Item: Olympic gold medal
Victim: Brendan Hansen
Target Item: Cookies

After my son Alec completed his swim meet today, he was fortunate enough to get to wear Olympic Gold Medalist Brendan Hansen’s very own gold medal while having his picture taken.

Great. Everyone is in line for their turn, Alec gets up for his, I’m all set with the camera and begin to fire off a few shots.

Oh shi*t. Where is he?

Oh, he’s headed for the damn cookie table. This is a bit embarrassing as everyone is waiting for their turn and my kid has kyped the medal, causing the photo session to temporarily halt.

After ripping the damn medal off his neck, I sheepishly ran back and gave it to Brendan apologizing profusely to him and the waiting crowd. (Maybe I shouldn’t have told Alec that we’d hit the cookie table after he had his picture taken.)

Thankfully it wasn’t damaged. I wonder what those things are worth. Can one put a price on them anyway?

Anyway, the meet went well, Alec did a great job and watching Brendan swim was a treat.

And, well, as some of the pictures show, it was also quite ‘scenic’ for the female spectators.

O.k. not really such a mystery as I got it for my husband who wanted it last Christmas.

Though I was traumatized by the Twilight series and thought even good fiction would never again touch my fingers, I gave in and read this book by Cormac McCarthy.

I can kind of see where fans of the Crack series (Twilight) couldn’t wait to get through it (in theory only of course) as I, for two days straight carried this book around with my like an infant.

It’s literally the antithesis of Twilight that actually that took me over 2 years to read.

As it’s about a man and his son, my husband was even more emotional about it than I was.

Super fast, a bit grim, but great read.

I recently saw the movie.

Just like the book and somewhat odd (for me), the movie was just as I pictured it in the book. Of course, I bawled through most of it.