I was at a small dinner party celebrating the Oscars, when I overheard a few guys talking about Tony Danza and you know that I had to butt into the conversation.

But, of course!

Possums, didn’t you always want Tony to get with Angela?

Hell, I would have just settled with him and Mona getting together…or even the three, which would be like doing Grandma Moses and her daughter…hillbilly style!  But, it took so many seasons for it to happen! Right when you thought he was going to throw down his vaccum and throw Angela onto that ugly floral couch, stupid Sam,  Mona or Tiny Timmy (what was that little boy’s name again???) would show up and they would start acting coy all over again.

So, what does Tony Danza have to do with sex? Well, according to this particular social circle that I now know that  never ever want to be a part of , whenever you are having a hot interlude with a dame from behind and a man asks her  “Who’s the Boss”?

Well, she will most likely answer “You are, my Jigga.”

Then, the man beeyotch slaps her and says to her,“Tony Danza is the boss! Show Tony some respect”!!

A few minutes later, in the throes of passion…and as she tries to see through the stars in the dark, the man asks  Stupida the question again and when she answers “Tony Danza”, he slaps her again and asks her why she is thinking about other men, while the two of them are doing it.

After, they explained this to me, you could see why I was so shocked…and perturbed.

So, I let them know that clearly they haven’t heard of doing the “Lucresia Linton” in bed.

It is when your man is doing you from behind and he tries to pull a “Tony Danza”, on you and you then throw your head back and…

WHAMMO!!!

Butt the Jigga in the chest! Not only will he have trouble breathing, but if his penis is still inside of you, it will double your pleasure, as it is sure to get all extra bendy and stuff!

Now “Who’s the BOSS?”

Whatchathink?

My father still can’t understand how I am going to transfer my songs from my new record player to my little tiny IPOD….all through a little cord thing called USB.

My mother can’t understand why I would want to have a cover like this.

Top Drawer!

Side Note: Possums, I have been counting all the hands of the ladies in the above picture. Some are missing. I wonder where they are at? I guess this group was into Realism.

Possums, there was another “Lauren” before the one on the “The Hills” showed up.

Lauren Bacall was born Betty Joan Perske on September 16, 1924.

I love it when stars change their names to sound more alluring.

Miss Bacall, was known for her husky voice, slim demeanor and sultry look. Do you know that she was actually taught to speak in that fascinating deep voice of hers? She was the original Demi Moore. Love it!! It definitely is something learned cause I tried it and instead of coming off sexy, I sound like a man  with a cold coupled with severe allergies…in drag.

But, I’m a gonna learn!

Life began to turn around for Miss B, when Howard Hawks’s wife spotted her on the March 1943 cover of Harper’s Bazaar.  Miss Hawks demanded that her hubby give the young swan a screen test for “To Have and Have Not”. He signed her up to a seven-year personal contract, brought her to Hollywood, gave her $100 a week, changed her name to Lauren Bacall and began to manage her career. Whew!

Legend has it that during screen tests for the film, “To Have and Have Not“ (to me a boring movie, whenever she isn’t in the scene), Miss Lauren was extremely nervous. I would be to, if I was trying to play the lead opposite superstar Bogart. To minimize her quivering, she pressed her chin against her chest, faced the camera, and tilted her eyes upward. This effect became known as ‘The Look’, which is known as Miss B’s trademark.

On the set, Humphrey Bogart, who was married at the time, initiated a relationship with Bacall some weeks into shooting in their dressing room. She said that he came in to say “Night, Night” and gave her a long lingering kiss to go with it.

On May 21, 1945, Bacall married Humphrey Bogart. Bacall was 20 and Bogart was 45.

Top Drawer!

I  loved her in “How to Marry A Millionaire”, especially towards the end when she was trying to stave off the secret millionaire’s advances. Classic Lauren! However, my favorite movie by Miss Bacall is “Designing Woman”. She is just as glorious as the sets that she trots around. The one thing that you pick up from Miss Bacall is that like Hepburn, she is nobody’s dame! This movie signifies a trying time in her life. Her husband was suffering from cancer of the esophagus. Bogart later died, leaving her with two young children on January 14, 1957.

Miss Bacall was never one to suffer fools gladly! She only had about two blips on her love life. Once, when she dated Frank Sinatra right after Bogie’s death. It is a known fact that Sinatra worshipped the ground that Bogie walked on. So, when Bogie passed on, Sinatra took his place, but we all know that Frank was all about…well, Frank.

Sinatra abruptly ended the relationship, having become angry that the story of his proposal to Bacall had reached the press. Sinatra used this as an easy way out and Miss Bacall was cut off his love juice.

Second blip, was when Bacall was married to actor Jason Robards. She later divorced Robards mainly because of his alcoholism. Bacall had one child with Robards.

Miss Lauren Bacall embodies the intelligence, drive and independence that it takes many a women crave.

Sometimes, it is God-given.

Sometimes, it’s taught.

Sometimes, it all comes down to one look.

She was presented with Bacall an Honorary Academy Award on November 14, 2009.

I am so glad to be rid of McDonald’s!

Never, ever had I ever had so much sausage meat inside of me, than I did all those times that I wrote to you from McDonald’s!

Well….

I missed home so much!

It felt so good to be recognized again for my color of skin when I went into a department store. To hear-“Security, please scan Housewares section” and to look around and realize that I was the only one there, brought tears of joy to my eyes!

To wake-up in the middle of the night and just bask in the glory of which is my vibrator, without worrying about any stray bullets or disgruntled drug lords. Here, in Canada, there is more than enough drugs for everyone! We have free health care!

To wake-up to the smell of bacon and eggs and not having to kick someone out of my bed, because I don’t feel like sharing, feels so good! No, telling how long it is going to take me to eat all that bacon, though. But, I’m a gonna!!!

To be able to not struggle to go to the toilet anymore is such a God-send!!! When I was in Philly I thought I was going to pass up a kidney stone, let alone a whole kidney. And there where times when I hovered over the toilet and looked back and thought I did.

And my Aunt S…

My incomparable Aunt S…

I even miss my Aunt S, who in the last morning I was there, put on a real show.  I was in her kitchen cooking bacon and kinda of started the most smallest of smallest grease fires.

Well, my Auntie S. ran in the kitchen and started screaming,”Fire, fire, everyone come quick! Someone get on the phone and call the Fire Department! Fire, fire!”

And I looked at her.

She looked at me.

My Uncle looked at her.

I again looked at her.

And she looked at the both of us.

And the fire burnt its way out.

Thank-you, Canada!

I would click my heels, but that would mean another $55.00 trip to the shoemaker to glue back its pieces.

The shoemaker and I have a close relationship.

He knows I like to wear heels in bed, while attempting daring feats!

I keep him in business, and he keeps his comments to himself.

There is no place like home!

Darn Tootin’!

“Is it free? How much is it?”

“No, it is free,” I said. “Why, are you going to join it?” I asked.

“What does it do?” asked my mother.

“You are supposed to let people know what you are doing at different times of the day,” I told her.

“But, isn’t that why we use the telephone?” asked my mother.

“I guess!”

“But, that is why I prefer to use your father’s pager. But, if I get this ‘Twitter’ thing, will your father start answering his page?”

“Capitan, it doesn’t work like that. Dad would have to get one, and then you would have to get one. Then Dad would have to get his own computer or Blackberry and then tell everyone where he is and what he is doing it with,” I said.

“What do you mean what he is doing it with?” asked my mother.

“Ha-ha!”

“Your father don’t even remember what “it” is!”

“Sure, he don’t, ma. Sure he don’t,” I said.

“One last thing….what is this ‘Myspace’? How do I find out if someone is in Myspace?”

I mean really feel your skin color?

I am not talking about being comfortable in your own skin. But, actually feeling your color, but there is no mirror around. Not, that it hasn’t happened to me before. It has. It’s just been such a long time, that I took it all for granted.

When you are a Black woman driving through the cow country, especially when some parts feels a bit “dicey”… well, it gets a little scary! But, don’t worry I put my “game face” on and was up for the challenge!

When I finally had to stop for gas, I felt all eyes were upon us. This one man even over- spilled his gasoline on his car, cause he was too busy looking at me! I caught a look at myself in the mirror. I didn’t see anything wrong. I had my head tied up in the front. To me I thought I looked like Christina Aguilera or even Amy Winehouse, alb eight a wider version, but still stylish! To him, I probably looked more like Aunt Jemima! And anyways, what’s wrong with Mammy? I love the movie “Gone with the Wind”! I actually think that it should be renamed, “Along Comes Mammy” because she stole the show! However, the way this man looked and acted, I expected to see a “Colored Only” sign on the washroom door. But, it is what it is.

But, who cares!!! Possums, I was going home!

I was going home… and be put in jail, for sneaking in bacon.

How much bacon? Possums, what happen to the good old days when people gave other people going-away gifts of bottles of wine and the such? Not, ma famile! Ma famile gave me a large load of bacon…about six pounds of the stuff! So, not only did I have to worry about getting home safe, I had to also worry about getting caught with all that bacon!

As I was nearing the border, I was getting antsy. Ava could feel it cause I kept on asking her how many kilometers we still had left….every five minutes! I can’t believe I was so nervous over meat! Possums, not even when I am about to do it, do I get this nervous. And it is almost the same thing! But, what’s to worry? I am a Canadian citizen. I was born here. Surely, they can’t have me arrested for carrying bacon across the border! Could they? I have seen many a people wear many a strange and ugly things walking the streets of Toronto, all committing fashion crimes, and they never got arrested… and they should have!

“Citizenship?”

“Canadian.”

“How much money, did you spend?”

“About…$300. Philly never had as many deals as they usually have and then I never got a chance to go to the Galleria mall, cause I know I would have gotten some serious deals there. But, Ava wasn’t up to it. Ava, say “hi” to the nice man. And then, I was going to pick up two more jackets for myself, but Ava reminded me that I never wear that many jackets. Cause, to tell you the truth, Officer, I don’t like wearing that much clothes. Hell, I only wear underwear on the days that I am obligated to. So, I just ended up buying the pink jacket, cause it looked so Rhianna-like. Do you know, Rihanna?”

“Can’t say that I do. Anything, do declare?”

“Well, Rhianna, is known for her real fash-“

“Okay, M’am. Can you pop open your trunk for me?”

My heart sank.

I knew I should have insisted that Dante put all that bacon in his pants. But, he wouldn’t do it cause it was too cold! Wuss! And Ava wouldn’t let him, cause she said that it wouldn’t be very convincing if a little boy had this enormous bulge in the front of his pants.

“But, he’s BLACK,” I argued!!!

“M’am, can I ask you a question?” ask the officer as he leaned into my car window.

“Yes, sir?”

“Why, is there a lot of bacon wrapped up in tin foil?”

I had to do something!!! The man in black was going to take away my bacon! All those juicy breakfasts in bed that I was going to get Ava to make and serve to me was slowly disappearing. Yeah, right! Like, hell she was going to make me all those breakfasts! But, one could always hope!

Then I thought to myself…well, I just couldn’t. Could, I? Surely, you jest?

I can’t even tell you, but I played the card.

I played the C card.

“Well, it’s Cancer.”

“Excuse, me?” he asked.

“My Aunt’s got Cancer and I just couldn’t say no to her, when she gave me all this bacon. It was her last wish for me.”

“Her last wish, eh?”

“Yes…on her deathbed. She whispered in my ear that she wanted me to have all the bacon in her freezer that she so lovingly picked out at the grocery store, on one of her good days. She knew that it was my favorite.”

The man in black looked at me.

I looked at him.

He looked at Dante.

And Dante sniffed.

Possums, I got me my bacon!!!! Never had I ever had to work so hard for a piece of meat!

Well….that’s debatable.

Will I ever drive down to Philly again? Hell to the Nah!

Next, time I will take a plane!

First class.

For the warm nuts.

But, of course!

Philadelphia,PA

Source: Spring/Summer 2010 issue of Love

Philadelphia, PA

I called it an early night, after I was given a tour of my Aunt’s new basement. Possums, why do black people always include their washer and dryer in their house tours?  Did I mention that the only object left standing after the fire was their Bob Marley poster!

Talk about ‘Catch a Fire’!

My Aunt had set us up in the front room this time. It has an air mattress, which would probably be fun for most people, but for me it isn’t. Ava was asleep on one side and no sooner than I hopped onto the bed, I bounced right off of it, hit the wall and landed on the floor!

Do you know Ava didn’t move???

My Uncle offered up his massage table for me to sleep on, instead. Don’t ask me why a grown man owns a massage table, but he has one. Dante wanted to sleep on it, but I kindly reminded him that the way he sleeps, before you can say “DAP” his behind would be on the floor. Dante sleeps badly! Ava made sure to remind him that she already awoke in the middle of the night with his two big hoofs in the middle of her back.

I decided to sleep on the massage table. Big mistake! I never slept on something that hard!

Well…

Anyhoo, I was in so much pain that by 3:00AM I decided to just sleep downstairs on their couch. I sat there thinking about the long journey home ahead of me. Never, ever, ever will I ever drive this far again. Ever! Possums, depending who you are talking to, I don’t like going for long rides. Not even when I am in control and on top! I thought to myself, “How was I going to make it home, when I barely made it here in one piece?”

Then all of the sudden…

POP, POP, POP, POP, POP, POP, POP

Gunshots rang out!

Upon instinct, I grabbed my breasts.

All of them.

Whew, they were still there! Thank, Christ!

Then I screamed out, “What the hell!!!”

Dante came a-running down stairs. (Trust me, if you heard gunshots for the first time at 10 years old, you would be “a running” too)!

I screamed at him, “Is Ava alive?”

“Yeah, I think so?”

“What do you mean you think so? Did you speak to her?” I screamed.

“Yes, I did,” he said.

“Did she answer back?” I questioned.

“Yes, she did.”

“Oh.”

SIDE NOTE: I later found out that as soon as he heard the gunshots, Mr. Dante ran towards the window to look, and Ava gave him a serious tongue lashing!  This he failed to mention to me, which would explain why he wasn’t too much into letting me know whether Ava was alive or not.

The next day, as I was contemplating if that Boutana at the Wal-Mart photo center put a curse on me, my cousin’s wife came over and let us know that a drug dealer shot at a house at the top of the street; just steps from my Aunt’s house.

He shot at the wrong house.

You, see kids, why you should stay away from drugs! If he wasn’t taking drugs at least he would have gotten the job done properly!

The lady who lived in the house slept in her kid’s room, since it was really cold, that night. Normally, she slept in her own room. The bullets went into a wall in the her bedroom. The lady was now waiting for the police to come over, and not only write up a report, but take the bullets out of the wall.

God is so good!

And with that, Possums, it is SO time for me to go on home. I miss Canada. I am not saying that we don’t have crime or anything. We do. But, this is way too much for me to handle!

Possums, I still jump when I hear the garbage truck picking up the trash on Mondays!

By the way, my Aunt slept through the entire ordeal, like it was nothing.

Yep, it’s time to go home.

I repeat…

DO NOT READ THIS, THIS POST IS NOT FOR YOU!!!!

Inside McDonald’s McCafe

Inside McDonald’s McCafe

Philadelphia, PA

Possums, as you know I have been writing you from McDonald’s. Never have I ever had to eat so much sausage!

Well….that’s debatable!

And then, I have to constantly use the washroom, and I cannot leave my laptop unattended and then I have to pack it all up, just to unpack it all over again.

Such a delicate dance I have to perform.

Possums, guess what! I finally went!! Apparently, when you have to go to the bathroom, just eat more food on top of what you already have! They should put that in the medical journals, non?  I was so worried I was going to die on the toilet, like Elvis. Didn’t they say that he died on the crapper from trying too hard? I know that some say it was because of all the pills, but I bet you it was due to constipation from all those peanut butter and banana sandwiches!

Did you know that some Chinese food restaurants serve Mac and Cheese! Oh, sweet Jesus! And you know that you ain’t got no Chinese food, unless you have Mac and Cheese with your order of Chicken Balls!  Every minute, the waitresses kept coming up to our table asking us if we needed any help. And when my illustrious Aunt S. finally couldn’t take it anymore, she told them-“does it look like I am finished??? Ain’t there still balls on my plate! Shoot, I’m still chewing my food in my mouth, mother-f—k-r!”

Well, after that, all we got was “Sorry Miss”.  And no one; I repeat no one, came up to our table anymore! We had to keep putting our dirty dishes on the empty table behind us.

Who knew that a well placed mother-effer would put people in their place?

Afterwards, we went home to relax and my Aunt regaled me with stories of the fire and how she fainted in front of the live television crew and how my cousin (with tears streaming down his face, but of course!) dashed in, trying to salvage anything he could-pictures, clothes, etc. The fire burnt everything, but they were able to save some precious photos of my grandmother. I begged my Aunt if I could borrow them and make copies at their local Wal-mart for my Dad.

You know Possums, they say that sometimes God gives you warnings. They may come in the form of a person, a place or a thing. Well, you know my Aunt kept on telling me to go to the local CVS to make the copies, but I didn’t listen because I trusted the retail powers that be-that of Wal-Mart.

But, let me tell you, it all started off quite nicely the next day. I had Ava, Dante and my cousin’s small son with me. I got in some amazing shopping! You see, and this is not up for debate, but Philly is like a whole year and a half behind Canada and most parts of the world, in terms of fashion. I always said (for North America) that New York is first, then California, then Canada, and then Philly, et al. Trust me! My cousin, let’s call her, Nym-pho-pho, was freaking over her new purchase of fake UGG boots!! Which, are now all the rage in Philly! She asked me if I ever bought a pair. I told her, yes I did, ….THREE YEARS AGO! Anyhoo, I went to Wal-Mart to make my copies at the Kodiak machine. Simple enough.

They say that God let’s you know when and where not to play with fire. I think that is why Wal-Mart makes them wear them smocks, cause the –ish was about to hit the fan!!!

I trotted around the store for the customary hour, and then headed over to the photo center. Well, surprise, surprise, no one was there. So, I went to find the nearest sales associate and asked if I could do a pick-up. She didn’t seem to happy that I interrupted her conversation with her co-worker. Well, the girl went through my photos and told me that she couldn’t give me the photos of my grandmother cause they looked like they were taken in the studio.

The studio?

Possums, but, let me tell you how this woman, my grandmother, has on what looks like gold house slippers and not a whole lot of jewels! And Possums, if you remember, my grandmother was the type of person to put a massive amount of jewels on, look at herself in the mirror, and then put on even more!

I told the salesgirl Boutana that it was taken in Jamaica, a long, long time ago!

She was like, there were copyright laws, and it looked as if it were taken in a studio.

And I was like, studio! It was taken in the front parlor of our vast plantation-like estate!

And she was like, unless I had permission of the copyright holder, the person who took the photograph, she was not going to give it to me!

And I was like, unless she had a large pitchfork, a chisel, and a plane ticket to Jamaica that was the only way that I could get in touch with the copyright holder.

And she was like, who was the copyright holder?

And I was like it was my grandfather and they are both dead.

And then she was like, she still ain’t giving it to me.

And I was like, like hell you are, and you better call the manager.

Well, you know the Boutana called the crab louse Assistant Manager and then the said manager had the audacity to have me standing there for 15minutes waiting for her!!! And then the Boutana and I got into an argument for over my time being wasted. The girl had the nerve to start yelling at me, in front of everyone.

I let her know that she was a waste of my time, cause she ain’t that special!!!

Well, when the crab louse Assistant Manager came she already made up her mind, she weren’t going to give me my pictures. So, what is a smart feisty girl to do, but asked to speak to the Manager.

And she was like, she was the Manager.

And I was like, no she weren’t, cause else she would have been smart enough to push for the Manager title.

Well, she shut down and told me that was her decision.

I took down her name and that of the Boutana, and took my other photos and went to cash out Ava’s Miley Cyrus’s t-shirts.

But, let me tell you that God didn’t give up on me, cause the front cashier girl noticed that I was upset. I showed her my Aunt’s copy of my grandma’s photo and she sympathized with me. She told me that the MANAGER WAS THERE!!

Well, long story short, I explained to the manager that the pics were taken at our home several decades ago and that although, I have resigned myself to the fact that Wal-Mart would not give me my copies, I did plan to escalate the issue when I arrived back in Canada.

I don’t know if it were the sweat that I masked as tears (it fell into my eyes anyways, so I may have just happened to wipe them at the appropriate time) or the fact that I fell a couple of steps backwards and held on to the shopping cart and asked Ava to quickly purchase me a bottle of orange soda, cause I felt a fainting spell a coming. Or maybe, it was the fact that when I told the man the Boutana’s name, he rolled his eyes and told me to wait a few minutes.

And Guess what?

Not, only did I get my photos, but I got extras-three 8×10 and one 5×7!!! So, thank-you Kenneth!

The moral of the story is simple Possums-stand up for your rights, if they are based on good principles.

By the way, on my way out, I saw the crab louse Assistant Manager and the Boutana. They both looked at me smugly, as if to say that they were still glad they told me “No”…although it all still went in my favor.

I looked at them and in my most lady-like way I said to them politely-“My dears, why don’t you both eat a bowl of f-ck!”

And my darling Possums, you should have seen their reactions on their faces and that of Ava and little Dante!!!

I would love to have taken a picture and make copies for you.

Don’t worry…

I know I hold the copyright!