I decided to get up and grab a drink of water from a fountain. All of the sudden, a small Russell Terrier came up to me and I thought to myself, “Doesn’t Mariah Carey have the same dog”? Then the dog began to circle around me and then bit me on my bottom! And then he just sort of hung there! Contrary to what you may have heard, but my bottom is still high, tight and mighty!

I screamed for Ava and she ran around me in circles, not really knowing what to do. I kept on telling her to pull it off me, but she just kept on running and running.  Then out of no where came Suge Knight! He dashed over and grabbed the dog by its ear, not ripping my new white skirt, and flung it in the air, and to my amazement, over the trees!  Before, I could thank him, he was gone, so I spent the extra time glaring and venting on Miss Ava who was no help at all.

Yes, of course Possums, it was a dream. But, I think it is a sign from God. No, not the Suge Knight thing (I have been known in certain social circles of being a tummy chaser), but the fact that I could feel the bite of the dog. I think God is trying to tell me that I need to get my bottom done.

I want something that is really up, but carries its own weight. Something that is big, but not too rotund. I want it to be the pillar of society.  Something that little children could look up to and say, that is a fine piece of bottom….or move out of the way, you are blocking our sun.

Literally.

But, Possums, should they be the same size as my breasts?  Is there a rump size for the buttocks? Or do they just come in Small, Medium, Large, X-tra large or Family size?

Suppose I get it too big? Then I may have to sit up real high on the chairs at the movie theatre. No one would want to sit behind me! As you can see, I am always trying to be considerate of others.

Also, if I make my bottom too big and I am with a short-membered man…won’t I be too high up for him? Picture it-if I am on top, usually I go wild and if he ain’t so well… hung, then he may slip out once awhile.  But, if I get my bottom done and he is titty bitty, won’t it slip out all the time? I may be stuck on the bottom forever! Or what about when I am doing another type of position?  Would having butt implants make me more desirable? It would be more like a cushion, even. Or suppose my bottom becomes so desirable that they would have to make a program for those who suffer from withdrawals.

Not, that I would sleep with that many men enough to form a group.

It’s just a for instance.

I know there are different kinds of love, but I am talking about a crazy type of love.

Luis Vargas does not believe in love. Which is why, he sends away for an American bride to serve as a good wife and mother to his children. Jigga actually put an ad in the paper! His wife is to just be a  status symbol.

I have experienced that crazy type of love and it is awful! I say, “awful” because it is a love where it is such a heightened experience, that you only feel that you come to your senses when that person you are in love with enters the room. And then the passion that you feel is so palpable that you have to get away from it.

There was a time when all you needed to “dress” the room before you were planning to make love, was a kerosene lamp and a misquito net.

A time when men stood up, both, when a lady left and entered a room.

A time when one went to bed because there was nightfall and there was nothing left to do, but make love over and over again, and not really saving up too much strength for the next day, cause all you were going to do was plant a new harvest and tend to the cows.

This would count for all the youngins running around the plantation that is known in the movie, “The Original Sin”.

Based on the novel, “Waltz Into Darkness” by Cornell Woolrich,  “Original Sin”, is about a man, Luis Antonio Vargas (played by Antonio Banderas), who is searching for companionship that soon takes him to dangerous places. However, upon their first meeting, Luis learns that he has been lied to. Instead of the plain-looking woman in the pictures he was sent, he finds an gorgeous woman waiting for him.  Julia (played by Angelina Jolie) tells him that she deliberately sent the wrong picture to avoid Mr. Vargas to only be attracted to her beauty. Luis then lets Ms. Julia in on a lie of his own-that he misrepresented himself as a clerk on the coffee plantation.  He is actually the plantation owner.

And rich as hell!

Angelina Jolie Antonio Banderas Original Sin –

Luis and Julia are married the same night, and it doesn’t take much longer before they fall in love with each other. Like all Stupidas before and after him, Mr. Dumb Dumb gives his new bride access to all his bank accounts. Unfortunately, Luis’ happiness is short-lived.  Miss Julia cleans out his bank accounts and disappears.

Set in Cuba in the 1880s, “Original Sin” is such a gorgeous movie to look at. The costumes and locations are lush and exquisite. It is the perfect backdrop for the passion and sexuality that lie just below the surface as the two begin to discover each other over the next few days. However, at times, Julia seems to be fighting inner demons.  She is holding herself back from too deep an emotional involvement.

What You Need:

1. A large house on a plantation, if not, a regular house, condo,loft, or an apartment will do

2. A bed with white sheets and mosquito netting

3. Oil lamp or even candles if it is dark outside

4. The woman should be naked and all he needs is something sturdy!

Hot damn!

What To Do:

Note: When you are making the bed up, please make sure to tuck in the sheets real tight. You don’t want to be in the throes of passion and have the sheets wrapped up around you like a breakfast burrito…and with him on the outside!

Not that it has happen to me.

It’s just a for instance!

I just don’t know how they do it! Oh, Possums, how I wish to be that bendy! Mr. Vargas penetrates from the missionary position, brings her up into a sit-up position and then lies her down back into a quick missionary position, only to turn her over and around!!!  All this without, pulling out! Is this possible?

Why, yes, thank you!

I tried most of this (but of course!), but you always hear someone’s pelvic bones a creakin’! And it ain’t pretty, but if you are going to get all distorted and stuff, then this is definitely the way to go!

You need to pull out all the stops here. Quick, trot to the bookstore and pick up a few books for pointers, cause Da-ling, you are going to need them! This role play, exploits every orgasmic cliché in the world, right down to the lovers’ fingers gripping the sheets in ecstasy. It is still hot though! Man, I think I need me a big ole drink!

Remember, this is the story about the dangerous and sometimes lethal power of love. You both fall utterly and completely under each others’ spell, deeper in love and lust than you have ever thought possible. It is all about exploring each others’ body. Yes, men, this could be called foreplay, but this time instead of just in and out and out and in, you both should be up to the task of kissing and caressing, while the initial act is going on. I know that it is hard. But, that is why I am considered such a multi-tasker!

I think that it is best if you act like you both never seen a body before. On the inside, you could be like,”what does this mound of flesh do?” And on the outside, you devour the breast like you have never had before.

Or, on the inside you could be like,”what is this fledgling object that looks like somewhat crooked branch?” And on the outside, you could tease and play with the…well, you get the picture.

Remember Possums- Desire, Obsession and Lust.

Some may call it naivete. I like to call it surrender.

Please note that Miss Angelina’s lips are very distracting. But, that is okay. I firmly believe that all lips should never be ignored.

And remember how I was looking into how not to get the hemorrhoids?

And do you remember how I  was looking up about how to treat said hemorrhoids?

Well, Possums, I went and did it!

Did what?

Well, player read on!

You may find it hard to believe, but applying hemorrhoid cream delicately under the eye will help get rid of wrinkles. And they say that it is in your 20’s, that is the best time to begin using anti-aging products in order to prevent future wrinkles and damage. Mind you, I don’t think that the powers-that-be who pow-wow around the tables of Revlon and Loreal had this in mind, cause they are so rich that they probably pay someone to go to the bathroom for them.

It’s called the Junior Executive.

But could it be this easy? Maybe, I stumbled upon something that can really work.

I reasoned, I wipe my bottom with toilet paper, and I use it on my face, too.

I reasoned, I smother Vaseline on my bottom, so that it won’t get ashy, and I use it on my face, too.

I reasoned, I spray scented almond oil on my bottom, too keep it supple and inviting, and I use it on my face, too.

So, what’s good for the goose, is good for the gander!

I guess!

Hemorrhoid cream works because of its ingredients (yeast and liver oil) to help shrink the tissues, making the area appear tighter and firmer, minimizing any wrinkles that may have formed. Also, Hemorrhoid cream is a very good way to treat dark circles under the eyes.  It can help reduce puffiness.

Here’s what I did:

1. I washed and dried my face thoroughly. Ta Da!

2. I did a baking soda face mask.

And then I got pissed off at Ava cause she was making me laugh. And I didn’t want to laugh and crack the porcelain that was now my face, but then I thought to myself that suppose I can’t move my face, how would I explain that to the doctors in the Emergency room? It would probably be a hell of a lot harder than explaining why a gerbil ended up in my bottom, like Richard Gere did!

Note To Self: Ask my doctor if I got a gerbil in my bottom, would the gerbil stay alive? Knowing my doctor, he would probably ask-“what type of gerbil is it?”

Possums, please avoid getting any cream inside your eyelid! Not that it’s happened to me.

It’s just a for instance.

3. Make sure to wash and dry your face thoroughly, getting rid of any of the left over baking soda in the process.

4. And then I used my middle finger (Ha!) to dab a little hemorrhoid cream under my eyes. You don’t need a whole lot, just a small amount will do.

C’est Tout!

Possums, I just had a thought! Do you realize why this works on your face and your bottom! When was the last time you took a look at your bottom’s hole? Quick, take a quick trot to the bathroom and have a looksie. What do you find? Your anus has wrinkles around it!!!! It puckers like a really bad lip job on a young Hollywood starlet! So, it is bound to work…eventually.

But, of course!

Barbie does Mad Men

1.  Give Thanks For The King-…of Pop,

2.  Let Out Your Hot Air-I am not talking about that hot air. I mean you can, but you won’t find anyone really willing to sit up front with you, let alone behind you in the car. I am talking your car’s heater. This is something I learned from watching my dad and mom drive on our road trips when I was younger. The heater tends to have a sleepy effect on many a persons, so it is always wise to put on slightly cooled air.

3.  Chit-chat, until you can’t chit-chat no more-Come to think of it, the long drives were the only time, I actually witnessed my father listening to my mother. And patiently, too! Wow! She would talk about everything under the sun, as to keep him awake, and I know that somehow he appreciated it. Subjects to talk about can include, the gas station bathrooms and why they are so dirty for a reason, to douche or not to douche, or even prolific issues, such as won’t Atheists be surprised when they see God, upon arrival. I mean they probably think that somehow they will end up somewhere in the clouds when they die, but who do you think holds them clouds up? Just sayin’.

4.  Be Prepared for emergencies-The way the world is today, you never know what kind of emergencies will come up during your long drive. So, make you to stock up on condoms, nipple clamps, portable vibrator, batteries, feathers, and a comfy faux fur throw. No point in showing the whole world what you have to offer.

5.  Pray to the Almighty-all day and everyday. You know there were times that although I knew deep down inside I was lost, I knew that once I prayed, everything was going to be just fine. If a place I drove through looked questionable, I prayed. If, I was low on gas and really far from the next station, I prayed. If, I couldn’t hold it in any more and I had to use the said gas station’s bathroom, I prayed. Real Hard!!! God, wants us to ask for his help in even the most trivial things. Trust Him.  I know do.

I was at a small dinner party celebrating the Oscars, when I overheard a few guys talking about Tony Danza and you know that I had to butt into the conversation.

But, of course!

Possums, didn’t you always want Tony to get with Angela?

Hell, I would have just settled with him and Mona getting together…or even the three, which would be like doing Grandma Moses and her daughter…hillbilly style!  But, it took so many seasons for it to happen! Right when you thought he was going to throw down his vaccum and throw Angela onto that ugly floral couch, stupid Sam,  Mona or Tiny Timmy (what was that little boy’s name again???) would show up and they would start acting coy all over again.

So, what does Tony Danza have to do with sex? Well, according to this particular social circle that I now know that  never ever want to be a part of , whenever you are having a hot interlude with a dame from behind and a man asks her  “Who’s the Boss”?

Well, she will most likely answer “You are, my Jigga.”

Then, the man beeyotch slaps her and says to her,“Tony Danza is the boss! Show Tony some respect”!!

A few minutes later, in the throes of passion…and as she tries to see through the stars in the dark, the man asks  Stupida the question again and when she answers “Tony Danza”, he slaps her again and asks her why she is thinking about other men, while the two of them are doing it.

After, they explained this to me, you could see why I was so shocked…and perturbed.

So, I let them know that clearly they haven’t heard of doing the “Lucresia Linton” in bed.

It is when your man is doing you from behind and he tries to pull a “Tony Danza”, on you and you then throw your head back and…

WHAMMO!!!

Butt the Jigga in the chest! Not only will he have trouble breathing, but if his penis is still inside of you, it will double your pleasure, as it is sure to get all extra bendy and stuff!

Now “Who’s the BOSS?”

Whatchathink?

My father still can’t understand how I am going to transfer my songs from my new record player to my little tiny IPOD….all through a little cord thing called USB.

My mother can’t understand why I would want to have a cover like this.

Top Drawer!

Side Note: Possums, I have been counting all the hands of the ladies in the above picture. Some are missing. I wonder where they are at? I guess this group was into Realism.

Possums, there was another “Lauren” before the one on the “The Hills” showed up.

Lauren Bacall was born Betty Joan Perske on September 16, 1924.

I love it when stars change their names to sound more alluring.

Miss Bacall, was known for her husky voice, slim demeanor and sultry look. Do you know that she was actually taught to speak in that fascinating deep voice of hers? She was the original Demi Moore. Love it!! It definitely is something learned cause I tried it and instead of coming off sexy, I sound like a man  with a cold coupled with severe allergies…in drag.

But, I’m a gonna learn!

Life began to turn around for Miss B, when Howard Hawks’s wife spotted her on the March 1943 cover of Harper’s Bazaar.  Miss Hawks demanded that her hubby give the young swan a screen test for “To Have and Have Not”. He signed her up to a seven-year personal contract, brought her to Hollywood, gave her $100 a week, changed her name to Lauren Bacall and began to manage her career. Whew!

Legend has it that during screen tests for the film, “To Have and Have Not“ (to me a boring movie, whenever she isn’t in the scene), Miss Lauren was extremely nervous. I would be to, if I was trying to play the lead opposite superstar Bogart. To minimize her quivering, she pressed her chin against her chest, faced the camera, and tilted her eyes upward. This effect became known as ‘The Look’, which is known as Miss B’s trademark.

On the set, Humphrey Bogart, who was married at the time, initiated a relationship with Bacall some weeks into shooting in their dressing room. She said that he came in to say “Night, Night” and gave her a long lingering kiss to go with it.

On May 21, 1945, Bacall married Humphrey Bogart. Bacall was 20 and Bogart was 45.

Top Drawer!

I  loved her in “How to Marry A Millionaire”, especially towards the end when she was trying to stave off the secret millionaire’s advances. Classic Lauren! However, my favorite movie by Miss Bacall is “Designing Woman”. She is just as glorious as the sets that she trots around. The one thing that you pick up from Miss Bacall is that like Hepburn, she is nobody’s dame! This movie signifies a trying time in her life. Her husband was suffering from cancer of the esophagus. Bogart later died, leaving her with two young children on January 14, 1957.

Miss Bacall was never one to suffer fools gladly! She only had about two blips on her love life. Once, when she dated Frank Sinatra right after Bogie’s death. It is a known fact that Sinatra worshipped the ground that Bogie walked on. So, when Bogie passed on, Sinatra took his place, but we all know that Frank was all about…well, Frank.

Sinatra abruptly ended the relationship, having become angry that the story of his proposal to Bacall had reached the press. Sinatra used this as an easy way out and Miss Bacall was cut off his love juice.

Second blip, was when Bacall was married to actor Jason Robards. She later divorced Robards mainly because of his alcoholism. Bacall had one child with Robards.

Miss Lauren Bacall embodies the intelligence, drive and independence that it takes many a women crave.

Sometimes, it is God-given.

Sometimes, it’s taught.

Sometimes, it all comes down to one look.

She was presented with Bacall an Honorary Academy Award on November 14, 2009.

I am so glad to be rid of McDonald’s!

Never, ever had I ever had so much sausage meat inside of me, than I did all those times that I wrote to you from McDonald’s!

Well….

I missed home so much!

It felt so good to be recognized again for my color of skin when I went into a department store. To hear-“Security, please scan Housewares section” and to look around and realize that I was the only one there, brought tears of joy to my eyes!

To wake-up in the middle of the night and just bask in the glory of which is my vibrator, without worrying about any stray bullets or disgruntled drug lords. Here, in Canada, there is more than enough drugs for everyone! We have free health care!

To wake-up to the smell of bacon and eggs and not having to kick someone out of my bed, because I don’t feel like sharing, feels so good! No, telling how long it is going to take me to eat all that bacon, though. But, I’m a gonna!!!

To be able to not struggle to go to the toilet anymore is such a God-send!!! When I was in Philly I thought I was going to pass up a kidney stone, let alone a whole kidney. And there where times when I hovered over the toilet and looked back and thought I did.

And my Aunt S…

My incomparable Aunt S…

I even miss my Aunt S, who in the last morning I was there, put on a real show.  I was in her kitchen cooking bacon and kinda of started the most smallest of smallest grease fires.

Well, my Auntie S. ran in the kitchen and started screaming,”Fire, fire, everyone come quick! Someone get on the phone and call the Fire Department! Fire, fire!”

And I looked at her.

She looked at me.

My Uncle looked at her.

I again looked at her.

And she looked at the both of us.

And the fire burnt its way out.

Thank-you, Canada!

I would click my heels, but that would mean another $55.00 trip to the shoemaker to glue back its pieces.

The shoemaker and I have a close relationship.

He knows I like to wear heels in bed, while attempting daring feats!

I keep him in business, and he keeps his comments to himself.

There is no place like home!

Darn Tootin’!