And remember how I was looking into how not to get the hemorrhoids?

And do you remember how I  was looking up about how to treat said hemorrhoids?

Well, Possums, I went and did it!

Did what?

Well, player read on!

You may find it hard to believe, but applying hemorrhoid cream delicately under the eye will help get rid of wrinkles. And they say that it is in your 20’s, that is the best time to begin using anti-aging products in order to prevent future wrinkles and damage. Mind you, I don’t think that the powers-that-be who pow-wow around the tables of Revlon and Loreal had this in mind, cause they are so rich that they probably pay someone to go to the bathroom for them.

It’s called the Junior Executive.

But could it be this easy? Maybe, I stumbled upon something that can really work.

I reasoned, I wipe my bottom with toilet paper, and I use it on my face, too.

I reasoned, I smother Vaseline on my bottom, so that it won’t get ashy, and I use it on my face, too.

I reasoned, I spray scented almond oil on my bottom, too keep it supple and inviting, and I use it on my face, too.

So, what’s good for the goose, is good for the gander!

I guess!

Hemorrhoid cream works because of its ingredients (yeast and liver oil) to help shrink the tissues, making the area appear tighter and firmer, minimizing any wrinkles that may have formed. Also, Hemorrhoid cream is a very good way to treat dark circles under the eyes.  It can help reduce puffiness.

Here’s what I did:

1. I washed and dried my face thoroughly. Ta Da!

2. I did a baking soda face mask.

And then I got pissed off at Ava cause she was making me laugh. And I didn’t want to laugh and crack the porcelain that was now my face, but then I thought to myself that suppose I can’t move my face, how would I explain that to the doctors in the Emergency room? It would probably be a hell of a lot harder than explaining why a gerbil ended up in my bottom, like Richard Gere did!

Note To Self: Ask my doctor if I got a gerbil in my bottom, would the gerbil stay alive? Knowing my doctor, he would probably ask-“what type of gerbil is it?”

Possums, please avoid getting any cream inside your eyelid! Not that it’s happened to me.

It’s just a for instance.

3. Make sure to wash and dry your face thoroughly, getting rid of any of the left over baking soda in the process.

4. And then I used my middle finger (Ha!) to dab a little hemorrhoid cream under my eyes. You don’t need a whole lot, just a small amount will do.

C’est Tout!

Possums, I just had a thought! Do you realize why this works on your face and your bottom! When was the last time you took a look at your bottom’s hole? Quick, take a quick trot to the bathroom and have a looksie. What do you find? Your anus has wrinkles around it!!!! It puckers like a really bad lip job on a young Hollywood starlet! So, it is bound to work…eventually.

But, of course!

Barbie does Mad Men

1.  Give Thanks For The King-…of Pop,

2.  Let Out Your Hot Air-I am not talking about that hot air. I mean you can, but you won’t find anyone really willing to sit up front with you, let alone behind you in the car. I am talking your car’s heater. This is something I learned from watching my dad and mom drive on our road trips when I was younger. The heater tends to have a sleepy effect on many a persons, so it is always wise to put on slightly cooled air.

3.  Chit-chat, until you can’t chit-chat no more-Come to think of it, the long drives were the only time, I actually witnessed my father listening to my mother. And patiently, too! Wow! She would talk about everything under the sun, as to keep him awake, and I know that somehow he appreciated it. Subjects to talk about can include, the gas station bathrooms and why they are so dirty for a reason, to douche or not to douche, or even prolific issues, such as won’t Atheists be surprised when they see God, upon arrival. I mean they probably think that somehow they will end up somewhere in the clouds when they die, but who do you think holds them clouds up? Just sayin’.

4.  Be Prepared for emergencies-The way the world is today, you never know what kind of emergencies will come up during your long drive. So, make you to stock up on condoms, nipple clamps, portable vibrator, batteries, feathers, and a comfy faux fur throw. No point in showing the whole world what you have to offer.

5.  Pray to the Almighty-all day and everyday. You know there were times that although I knew deep down inside I was lost, I knew that once I prayed, everything was going to be just fine. If a place I drove through looked questionable, I prayed. If, I was low on gas and really far from the next station, I prayed. If, I couldn’t hold it in any more and I had to use the said gas station’s bathroom, I prayed. Real Hard!!! God, wants us to ask for his help in even the most trivial things. Trust Him.  I know do.

I was at a small dinner party celebrating the Oscars, when I overheard a few guys talking about Tony Danza and you know that I had to butt into the conversation.

But, of course!

Possums, didn’t you always want Tony to get with Angela?

Hell, I would have just settled with him and Mona getting together…or even the three, which would be like doing Grandma Moses and her daughter…hillbilly style!  But, it took so many seasons for it to happen! Right when you thought he was going to throw down his vaccum and throw Angela onto that ugly floral couch, stupid Sam,  Mona or Tiny Timmy (what was that little boy’s name again???) would show up and they would start acting coy all over again.

So, what does Tony Danza have to do with sex? Well, according to this particular social circle that I now know that  never ever want to be a part of , whenever you are having a hot interlude with a dame from behind and a man asks her  “Who’s the Boss”?

Well, she will most likely answer “You are, my Jigga.”

Then, the man beeyotch slaps her and says to her,“Tony Danza is the boss! Show Tony some respect”!!

A few minutes later, in the throes of passion…and as she tries to see through the stars in the dark, the man asks  Stupida the question again and when she answers “Tony Danza”, he slaps her again and asks her why she is thinking about other men, while the two of them are doing it.

After, they explained this to me, you could see why I was so shocked…and perturbed.

So, I let them know that clearly they haven’t heard of doing the “Lucresia Linton” in bed.

It is when your man is doing you from behind and he tries to pull a “Tony Danza”, on you and you then throw your head back and…

WHAMMO!!!

Butt the Jigga in the chest! Not only will he have trouble breathing, but if his penis is still inside of you, it will double your pleasure, as it is sure to get all extra bendy and stuff!

Now “Who’s the BOSS?”

Whatchathink?

My father still can’t understand how I am going to transfer my songs from my new record player to my little tiny IPOD….all through a little cord thing called USB.

My mother can’t understand why I would want to have a cover like this.

Top Drawer!

Side Note: Possums, I have been counting all the hands of the ladies in the above picture. Some are missing. I wonder where they are at? I guess this group was into Realism.

Possums, there was another “Lauren” before the one on the “The Hills” showed up.

Lauren Bacall was born Betty Joan Perske on September 16, 1924.

I love it when stars change their names to sound more alluring.

Miss Bacall, was known for her husky voice, slim demeanor and sultry look. Do you know that she was actually taught to speak in that fascinating deep voice of hers? She was the original Demi Moore. Love it!! It definitely is something learned cause I tried it and instead of coming off sexy, I sound like a man  with a cold coupled with severe allergies…in drag.

But, I’m a gonna learn!

Life began to turn around for Miss B, when Howard Hawks’s wife spotted her on the March 1943 cover of Harper’s Bazaar.  Miss Hawks demanded that her hubby give the young swan a screen test for “To Have and Have Not”. He signed her up to a seven-year personal contract, brought her to Hollywood, gave her $100 a week, changed her name to Lauren Bacall and began to manage her career. Whew!

Legend has it that during screen tests for the film, “To Have and Have Not“ (to me a boring movie, whenever she isn’t in the scene), Miss Lauren was extremely nervous. I would be to, if I was trying to play the lead opposite superstar Bogart. To minimize her quivering, she pressed her chin against her chest, faced the camera, and tilted her eyes upward. This effect became known as ‘The Look’, which is known as Miss B’s trademark.

On the set, Humphrey Bogart, who was married at the time, initiated a relationship with Bacall some weeks into shooting in their dressing room. She said that he came in to say “Night, Night” and gave her a long lingering kiss to go with it.

On May 21, 1945, Bacall married Humphrey Bogart. Bacall was 20 and Bogart was 45.

Top Drawer!

I  loved her in “How to Marry A Millionaire”, especially towards the end when she was trying to stave off the secret millionaire’s advances. Classic Lauren! However, my favorite movie by Miss Bacall is “Designing Woman”. She is just as glorious as the sets that she trots around. The one thing that you pick up from Miss Bacall is that like Hepburn, she is nobody’s dame! This movie signifies a trying time in her life. Her husband was suffering from cancer of the esophagus. Bogart later died, leaving her with two young children on January 14, 1957.

Miss Bacall was never one to suffer fools gladly! She only had about two blips on her love life. Once, when she dated Frank Sinatra right after Bogie’s death. It is a known fact that Sinatra worshipped the ground that Bogie walked on. So, when Bogie passed on, Sinatra took his place, but we all know that Frank was all about…well, Frank.

Sinatra abruptly ended the relationship, having become angry that the story of his proposal to Bacall had reached the press. Sinatra used this as an easy way out and Miss Bacall was cut off his love juice.

Second blip, was when Bacall was married to actor Jason Robards. She later divorced Robards mainly because of his alcoholism. Bacall had one child with Robards.

Miss Lauren Bacall embodies the intelligence, drive and independence that it takes many a women crave.

Sometimes, it is God-given.

Sometimes, it’s taught.

Sometimes, it all comes down to one look.

She was presented with Bacall an Honorary Academy Award on November 14, 2009.

I am so glad to be rid of McDonald’s!

Never, ever had I ever had so much sausage meat inside of me, than I did all those times that I wrote to you from McDonald’s!

Well….

I missed home so much!

It felt so good to be recognized again for my color of skin when I went into a department store. To hear-“Security, please scan Housewares section” and to look around and realize that I was the only one there, brought tears of joy to my eyes!

To wake-up in the middle of the night and just bask in the glory of which is my vibrator, without worrying about any stray bullets or disgruntled drug lords. Here, in Canada, there is more than enough drugs for everyone! We have free health care!

To wake-up to the smell of bacon and eggs and not having to kick someone out of my bed, because I don’t feel like sharing, feels so good! No, telling how long it is going to take me to eat all that bacon, though. But, I’m a gonna!!!

To be able to not struggle to go to the toilet anymore is such a God-send!!! When I was in Philly I thought I was going to pass up a kidney stone, let alone a whole kidney. And there where times when I hovered over the toilet and looked back and thought I did.

And my Aunt S…

My incomparable Aunt S…

I even miss my Aunt S, who in the last morning I was there, put on a real show.  I was in her kitchen cooking bacon and kinda of started the most smallest of smallest grease fires.

Well, my Auntie S. ran in the kitchen and started screaming,”Fire, fire, everyone come quick! Someone get on the phone and call the Fire Department! Fire, fire!”

And I looked at her.

She looked at me.

My Uncle looked at her.

I again looked at her.

And she looked at the both of us.

And the fire burnt its way out.

Thank-you, Canada!

I would click my heels, but that would mean another $55.00 trip to the shoemaker to glue back its pieces.

The shoemaker and I have a close relationship.

He knows I like to wear heels in bed, while attempting daring feats!

I keep him in business, and he keeps his comments to himself.

There is no place like home!

Darn Tootin’!

“Is it free? How much is it?”

“No, it is free,” I said. “Why, are you going to join it?” I asked.

“What does it do?” asked my mother.

“You are supposed to let people know what you are doing at different times of the day,” I told her.

“But, isn’t that why we use the telephone?” asked my mother.

“I guess!”

“But, that is why I prefer to use your father’s pager. But, if I get this ‘Twitter’ thing, will your father start answering his page?”

“Capitan, it doesn’t work like that. Dad would have to get one, and then you would have to get one. Then Dad would have to get his own computer or Blackberry and then tell everyone where he is and what he is doing it with,” I said.

“What do you mean what he is doing it with?” asked my mother.

“Ha-ha!”

“Your father don’t even remember what “it” is!”

“Sure, he don’t, ma. Sure he don’t,” I said.

“One last thing….what is this ‘Myspace’? How do I find out if someone is in Myspace?”

I mean really feel your skin color?

I am not talking about being comfortable in your own skin. But, actually feeling your color, but there is no mirror around. Not, that it hasn’t happened to me before. It has. It’s just been such a long time, that I took it all for granted.

When you are a Black woman driving through the cow country, especially when some parts feels a bit “dicey”… well, it gets a little scary! But, don’t worry I put my “game face” on and was up for the challenge!

When I finally had to stop for gas, I felt all eyes were upon us. This one man even over- spilled his gasoline on his car, cause he was too busy looking at me! I caught a look at myself in the mirror. I didn’t see anything wrong. I had my head tied up in the front. To me I thought I looked like Christina Aguilera or even Amy Winehouse, alb eight a wider version, but still stylish! To him, I probably looked more like Aunt Jemima! And anyways, what’s wrong with Mammy? I love the movie “Gone with the Wind”! I actually think that it should be renamed, “Along Comes Mammy” because she stole the show! However, the way this man looked and acted, I expected to see a “Colored Only” sign on the washroom door. But, it is what it is.

But, who cares!!! Possums, I was going home!

I was going home… and be put in jail, for sneaking in bacon.

How much bacon? Possums, what happen to the good old days when people gave other people going-away gifts of bottles of wine and the such? Not, ma famile! Ma famile gave me a large load of bacon…about six pounds of the stuff! So, not only did I have to worry about getting home safe, I had to also worry about getting caught with all that bacon!

As I was nearing the border, I was getting antsy. Ava could feel it cause I kept on asking her how many kilometers we still had left….every five minutes! I can’t believe I was so nervous over meat! Possums, not even when I am about to do it, do I get this nervous. And it is almost the same thing! But, what’s to worry? I am a Canadian citizen. I was born here. Surely, they can’t have me arrested for carrying bacon across the border! Could they? I have seen many a people wear many a strange and ugly things walking the streets of Toronto, all committing fashion crimes, and they never got arrested… and they should have!

“Citizenship?”

“Canadian.”

“How much money, did you spend?”

“About…$300. Philly never had as many deals as they usually have and then I never got a chance to go to the Galleria mall, cause I know I would have gotten some serious deals there. But, Ava wasn’t up to it. Ava, say “hi” to the nice man. And then, I was going to pick up two more jackets for myself, but Ava reminded me that I never wear that many jackets. Cause, to tell you the truth, Officer, I don’t like wearing that much clothes. Hell, I only wear underwear on the days that I am obligated to. So, I just ended up buying the pink jacket, cause it looked so Rhianna-like. Do you know, Rihanna?”

“Can’t say that I do. Anything, do declare?”

“Well, Rhianna, is known for her real fash-“

“Okay, M’am. Can you pop open your trunk for me?”

My heart sank.

I knew I should have insisted that Dante put all that bacon in his pants. But, he wouldn’t do it cause it was too cold! Wuss! And Ava wouldn’t let him, cause she said that it wouldn’t be very convincing if a little boy had this enormous bulge in the front of his pants.

“But, he’s BLACK,” I argued!!!

“M’am, can I ask you a question?” ask the officer as he leaned into my car window.

“Yes, sir?”

“Why, is there a lot of bacon wrapped up in tin foil?”

I had to do something!!! The man in black was going to take away my bacon! All those juicy breakfasts in bed that I was going to get Ava to make and serve to me was slowly disappearing. Yeah, right! Like, hell she was going to make me all those breakfasts! But, one could always hope!

Then I thought to myself…well, I just couldn’t. Could, I? Surely, you jest?

I can’t even tell you, but I played the card.

I played the C card.

“Well, it’s Cancer.”

“Excuse, me?” he asked.

“My Aunt’s got Cancer and I just couldn’t say no to her, when she gave me all this bacon. It was her last wish for me.”

“Her last wish, eh?”

“Yes…on her deathbed. She whispered in my ear that she wanted me to have all the bacon in her freezer that she so lovingly picked out at the grocery store, on one of her good days. She knew that it was my favorite.”

The man in black looked at me.

I looked at him.

He looked at Dante.

And Dante sniffed.

Possums, I got me my bacon!!!! Never had I ever had to work so hard for a piece of meat!

Well….that’s debatable.

Will I ever drive down to Philly again? Hell to the Nah!

Next, time I will take a plane!

First class.

For the warm nuts.

But, of course!