Luggage Tuesdays

From the Editor: Aristotele

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 05:28:00 +0000

Waiter, There's A Fly in My Soup!

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 16:15:00 +0000

Restaurant Patron: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Shh! Not so loud, then everybody'll want one.
Patron: What, they would want flies?
Waiter: No, service.

Nostradamus the Waiter: Doing the backstroke, sir.
Restaurant Patron: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup -- hey, wait a minute?!

Restaurant Patron: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Sir, you're eating a sandwich.
Patron: It happened last week!

Restaurant Patron: Waiter, what would you recommend?
Fly (disguised as the waiter): Try the soup.

Restaurant Patron: Waiter, there's a pony in my soup!
Waiter: A little horse?
Patron: Yes, that's why I ordered the soup!

Restaurant Patron (spills soup on pants, points to zipper): Waiter, there's soup on my fly!

Fly in Soup: It's ironic.
Waiter: What is?
Fly: That for a creature known as a fly, I would die drowning.

Café Gratitude Restaurant Patron: Waiter, I Am Fly in Soup.

Restaurant Patron: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Plus it's canned soup, so you'll pee out high levels of bpa, too.

Cannibalistic Talking Fly: Waiter! There's no fly in my soup!

[via Twitter and Witstream]

Plug: SF Sketchfest 2012

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 16:57:00 +0000

I'll be performing two shows this week at the 2012 San Francisco Sketchfest:

Wednesday, January 25th, 8pm at the Eureka Theater, it's Laundry Basket & Spiegelman & Friends, starring the comedy duo of Laundry Basket and Spiegelman, with special guests Comedian 4D the Time-Traveling Professional Road Comic, and Rip Van Winkle, America's First Comedian (Rip originally appeared here in Luggage Tuesdays). Tickets.

Updated 1/29: Photos from the show are online here and here!

Sunday, January 29th, I will be cohosting Bad Movie Night with Jim Fourniadis and Sherilyn Connelly at the Darkroom Theater. We're heckling the very odd Voyage to the Planet of the Prehistoric Women. Tickets.

Broken Promises

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 05:29:00 +0000

I promise to go to bed right after this cup of coffee.

I promise, while dealing narcotics, to honestly answer the question, "Is this shit good?"

I promise to floss my teeth.

Recycled Twitter Jokes: Taboo from Black Eyed Peas

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 16:12:00 +0000

When I'm really bored, I'll pretend I'm Taboo from the Black-Eyed Peas.

Hey, guys, it's me, Taboo, from the Black-Eyed Peas. Remember that BEP song that doesn't make you kill yourself? I wrote that!

Taboo from Black-Eyed Peas, here, promoting my memoir, Fallin' Up. My favorite part? The photos of myself. LOL! Just kidding! (Not kidding).

Members of Black Eyed Peas, in descending order of popularity: Fergie, will.i.am, apl.de.ap, photo of Fergie peeing on stage, Taboo.

Taboo trivia: The Black Eyed Peas hired Taboo after the band's auto-tuner committed suicide.

How did Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas get his name? It rhymed with "Who from the Black Eyed Peas?"

What is Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas' favorite Frank Sinatra song? "Witchcraft," because it's strictly Taboo.

Why didn't Taboo from Black Eyed Peas change his name to "Ta.Bo.O"? Because Will.I.Am and Apl.de.ap would call him a poser.

[May 17, 2011. Via Twitter and Witstream]

100 More Words for Snow

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 21:26:00 +0000

1. Snoh.
2. The White Stuff.
3. Old Coldy.
4. Frostamadoodle.
5. God's Dandruff.
6. Free Ice.
7. Nature's Blow.
8. Shoe Wetter.
9. Solid Steam.
10. Sno-Cone Meat.
11. Tiny Bullshit.
12. Igloo Basics.
13. Sled Stuff.
14. Freezy Weez.
15. Icy Oro.
16. Snow Bunny Poop.
17. Deconstructed Snow Fort.
18. Not Semen.
19. Seriously, It's Not.
20. Settled Sleet.
21. Snow That's Different From Other Snow.
22. Fluffier Snow.
23. Picnic Wreckers.
24. Ant Smotherers.
25. Ski Shit.
26. School Day Spoiler.
27. S.N.O.W.
28. Eskimo Junk.
29. Chillax.
30. Yadda Yadda.
31. #Snow.
32. Snow, featuring T-Pain.
33. "Rain".
34. Snow That's What I Call Music.
35. The Sweet Stuff Where "Sweet" Means Cold.
36. Polish Fire.
37. Finger Numbers.
38. Homemade Flashlights.
39. Snowman Boogers.
40. Emo Water.
41. Christmas Milk.
42. Robot Rusters.
43. As Seen in "Snow Dogs".
44. As Seen in "Smilla's Sense of Snow".
45. As Not Seen in "Snow White and The Seven Dwarves".
46. Disco Ice.
47. Poor Man's Dinner.
48. Sun Haters.
49. Sled Grease.
50. Dog Potty.
51. Rain Gone Viral.
52. White Man's Burden.
53. Christmas Shit.
54. Vegan Mayo.
55. Urine Canvas.
56. White Crud.
57. Swag.
58. Mock Mock Snow.
59. Stuff on Ground.
60. White Fear.
61. God, I just had the strangest dream I was listing new words for snow.
62. Snow.com.
63. Snow.tv.
64. @Snow.
65. "Snow".
66. Snowball Fixin's.
67. Poor Man's Waterbed.
68. Ankle Chillers.
69. Bored Water.
70. Penguin Pavement.
71. Oh-Snay.
72. Tracks Trapper.
73. Coldilocks.
74. Tastier Cottage Cheese.
75. Lame Ice.
76. Sky Blotters.
77. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBEOyuTOxx8
78. Free Dreyer's Ice Cream!
79. Lice Lookalikes.
80. Mr. S.
81. Snow Mama.
82. White Snow Mob.
83. Sno.
84. I Can Believe It's Not Butter.
85. iSnow.
86. Junior High Cocaine (Good stuff, too, man).
87. Snow - BOOM Up All In Your Face!
88. Snow: Soundtrack Inspired by the Weather Phenomenon Snow
89. I should go outside and shovel...
90.
91.
92.
93. God, there's snow everywhere. Can't see shit...
94.
95.
96.
97. Fucking blizzard.
98.
99.
100. Help, I can't see shit!

Recycled Twitter Jokes: Spin Magazine

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 03:32:00 +0000

Spin Magazine Going Bimonthly:

Where to begin? I wouldn't say Spin Magazine is old, but it's named after the motions of vinyl records.

Editors cite lack of new Bob Mould antidotes.

Will only publish during months of Rocktober, Rocember, Februarocky, Rapril, Jtune, and August.

Quotes Thurston Moore of Sonic Yonic: "This sounds like a load of crap, and I should know."

Publisher cites competition from more relevant magazines, like Pogs Monthly and What's on UPN Guide.

With R.E.M. breaking up, they suddenly have less articles to publish.

Reason given by editors is that the phrase "alternative rock" takes two months to say.

They would remain a monthly but Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers forgot to renew, causing subscription dip.

Magazine would publish monthly but Courtney Love won't return its phone calls.

Feedback from competition has been positive. "It's a hit," says Peter Travers of Rolling Stone Magazine.

[From October 5, 2011. Via Twitter and Witstream]

Things to Do 1/4/12

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 03:10:00 +0000

Complete "Things to Do" list from 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2011.
Delete entries from Facebook using Facebook Timeline.
Solve murder mystery. (Butler.)
Fix VCR clock.
Write play based on funny tweet.
Grow ironic mustache, yet treat it with geniune respect.
Invent time machine. Get drunk and morose and destroy time machine.
Create new time machine, go back in time, prevent destruction of first time machine, then punch up old "Things to Do" lists.
Stalk famous movie monsters.
Take iPad on a date to the library. Relish the envious glares.
Shower/bathe.
Be less sincere.

Hack List January 2012

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 08:19:00 +0000

Celebrities.

Odorless lavender soap.

Hack List December 2011.

3 Logic Puzzles

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 00:30:00 +0000

1.
A young man approached a guard outside two locked doors, one orange, the other blue.

"Greetings," said the guard. "Behind one door is a lovely princess, behind the other, a man-eating tiger. To discover which room has the princess, you must solve a series of logic puzzles, each more -- "

"Excuse me," interrupted the young man. "But I can't hear you while the tiger behind the orange door is always roaring."

2.
A middle-aged professor posed a logic puzzle to his student. The student says, "Couldn't I spend the time I'd use solving this puzzle on something more productive?"

3.
An old man encountered two guards standing outside a door.

"I only tell the truth," said the first guard.

"We only tell the truth," said the second guard.

"No, only one of us tells the truth, while the other always lies."

"I see," said the old man. "If I can point out who's lying and who's telling the truth, you'll let me go through the door?"

"No," said the first guard.

"We also don't stab old men and eat their organs," said the second guard.

Tomato Jokes 2012

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 08:48:00 +0000

Why did the fried tomato comedian get the light?
Because he was still green.

What's the best way to cut tomatoes down to size?
Call them fat.

How can taking a bath in tomato juice help after being sprayed by a skunk?
It helps kill the smell of tomato juice.

From the Editor: Tell Her? I'll Ask Her.

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 05:44:00 +0000

(recently aired on TCM)

Pac-Man Funnies [Cartoon]

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 17:25:00 +0000

[via Twitter]

Hack List December 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 17:16:00 +0000

Monologue for Auditions.
Onstage solo performance about audition.
What's an audition? Where can I find one?

Topiary Maze Gags

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:12:00 +0000

Topiary mazes are cool because you get to say "topiary." Topiary.

Never refer to a topiary maze as a labyrinth because people will mistake it for a David Bowie movie.

I like to help out fellow topiary maze solvers by leaving shovels at dead ends.

I look for topiary mazes that have a Burger King by its exit. That way it's easier to solve.

It's considered rude to bring up the movie "The Shining" to topiary maze owners.

[SPOILER ALERT] Solution to topiary maze: ↑ ↑ ← ↑ ↓ → → ↓ ↑ ↑ → ↵ ↑ ↑ ← ↑ ↓ ↑ → →

[via Twitter]

Plug: Listen to Succotash

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 15:39:00 +0000

Episode 14 of Succotash, "the number one comedy podcast podcasting about comedy podcast," features clips from Proudly Resents, my brother Adam Spiegelman's excellent cult movie podcast; Dream Treat, the gameshow produced by Adam and hosted by Jonathan Corbett; followed by yours truly reading Fun Facts about Brunch.

Succotash is hosted by Marc Herson out of lovely Sausalito, CA. Have a listen.

Tomato Jokes 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 19:45:00 +0000

See also: mushroom jokes, broccoli jokes, salad jokes, crouton jokes, Alka-Seltzer jokes.

Prefaced by an unskippable introduction by a parody of Leonard Maltin.

Hello, I'm a parody of Leonard Maltin. Tomato jokes made in the 1930s and '40s contain gags and characterizations that reflect the attitude and prejudices of its time. Some of these ideas would be absolutely unacceptable today, whether they involve sterotypes, homophobic puns, or crude behavior that that came under the heading "garden humor."

Now some people would sweep these tomato jokes under the rug. Pretend these tomato jokes never existed. Certainly don't want children to get the wrong idea by seeing some of them tomato jokes. But tomato joke fans and euthesists should be able to enjoy them intact. And concerned parents might use this opportunity to talk about the way tomato jokes were many years ago and just how far we've come since then, tomato-joke-wise.

Why was the tomato red?
Because the tomato saw the salad dressing.

Why was the salad dressing?
Because the salad dressing saw the tomato watching.

What's the best way to sauce a tomato?
Take the tomato out to 4Loko Promotion Night at Dave & Busters.

Two old green avocados were sorting through compost when they noticed something in the garage can.
"Aww, lookie here," said one avocado to the other. "Looks like somebody threw away a perfectly good red tomato!"

How does a tomato plug Lorem Ipsum text into his website?
Using Tomato Paste.

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

4211.

4211 who?

4211 PLU sticker number for conventionally grown tomatoes.

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

94211.

94211 who?

94211 PLU sticker number for organic tomatoes.

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

84211.

84211 who?

84211 PLU sticker number for genetically modified tomatoes.

A can of tomato soup and an organic heirloom tomato from Whole Foods Market are waiting for a bus. The heirloom turned to the can and said, "Isn't it true recent studies indicate consumption of canned tomato soups increases levels of bisphenol A in one's urine by, like, over a thousand percent? I should know, I work at Whole Foods."

The can turned to the tomato and said, "Isn't it true that everyone who works at Whole Foods are twats?"

At the First Annual Family Tomato Celebrity Charity Fun Run, vaudevillian act The Family Tomatoes (no relation) were ready to run: Big Tomato was stretching, Average Joemato did sit-ups, while Li'l Tomato was putting on sweats. They sprinted off swiftly at the starter gun. Li'l Tomato got a nasty leg cramp and slowed down, and The Family Tomatoes soon got outpaced by the other teams.

This irritated Big Tomato. "Hey, slowpoke," yelled Big Tomato. "Hurry up!"

Li'l Tomato said, "Make me."

"You leave Li'l alone!" yelled Average Joemato.

Big Tomato wasn't listening. Unbeknownst to Average Joemato, Big Tomato was smooshing Li'l Tomato.

"I'll make you catch up!" said Big Tomato.

After medics and police arrived, charity officials canceled the event.

The Second Annual Family Tomato Celebrity Charity Fun Run began with a moment of silence for the anniversary of the slaying of Li'l Tomato, 46. Many celebrity tomatoes keep talking, however.

"The fun run has been tarnished," celebrity tomato Mr. Tomato whispered bitterly. "Now when people hear 'Family Tomato Celebrity Charity Fun Run,' they think of 'Family Tomatoes murderer.'"

"I heard not only is Big Tomato still at large," gossiped celebrity tomato Tom.A.To, "but he's here in the crowd now, and since we all look alike, no one can tell."

"Is that true, Tom.A.To?" Big Juicy asked Mr. Tomato.

"Tom.A.To is over there, rotting ungracefully," Mr. Tomato replied.

"Bitch," responded Tom.A.To.

"Quiet down, everyone. Will you all show some respect?" spoke up Toby Tomato. "Average Joemato is within earshot and is still mourning Li'l's death. It's not Average's fault Big 'Dennis the Menaced' Li'l Tomato."

There was no response.

"You know, Dennis the Menace. Created by Hank Ketcham. Big turned Li'l into 'Ketcham.'"

"That's a horrible joke. Boo!" said Average Joemato and grabbed Tom.A.To and threw it at Toby.

Paramedics declared Tom.A.To and Toby Tomato dead on scene. Charity officials had no choice but to cancel the event.

At the first annual Keep the Peace Memorial Celebrity Tomato Fun Run (formerly the Third Annual Family Tomato Celebrity Charity Fun Run), participants quietly stretched before the race, but no one spoke except for a noticeably drunk Big Juicy.

Big Juicy said, "Do you know what gets me?"

"Not this again," said Mr. Tomato.

"No, this is important. This is about the deaths of L'il Tomato, Tom.A.To, and Toby Tomato, God rest their souls. This was all because the 'baby' of The Family Tomatoes lagged behind and the 'father' smooshes the baby."

"Not so loud," said Mr. Tomato. "You'll rattle the lady tomatoes."

"And the kick of it is," continued Big Juicy, "I heard this joke from Pulp Fiction. Uma Thurman tells it."

"I saw Pulp Fiction and never remembered Uma Thurman in it," interjected Big Tomato, who indeed was in the crowd. "Was it during the 'Honey Bunny' scene?"

"No, after," said Big Juicy.

"During Bruce Willis?"

"No, before," said Big Juicy.

"Nope," said Big Tomato. "Drawing a blank."

"But this is real life," said Big Tomato. "And Pulp Fiction is a movie. A movie starring humans. And we're talking tomatoes."

"Oh my God," said Mr. Tomato. "WE'RE TALKING TOMATOES!"

From the Editor: Cold Agglutinin [sic] [Photo]

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 04:55:00 +0000

Hack List November 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 05:15:00 +0000

Noir parodies.
Rock band names from the 1990's and 2090's.
Hack List November 2011.

From the Editor: Wikipedia Edition [Photo]

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 17:48:00 +0000

Contact our editor.

#lameaquamancatchphrases [Photos]

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 19:48:00 +0000

Follow Luggage Tuesdays on Twitter.

Serving Suggestions

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 17:35:00 +0000

Eat straight from box, unless with company, then serve on plates.

For authenticity, serve meal inside country of origin.

Add sliced strawberries and bananas if you like strawberries and bananas.

Serve over rice. Cook the rice beforehand, though, or it'll be real crunchy and people will be all like, "Yum! Hot prepared food from a box that has 'Serving Suggestions' printed on it!" and take a bite, but then they'll be all like "Ouch!" because the rice was raw and probably unrinsed, which affects flavors underneath. Due to lack of space on package, nutritional values will be available on our website.

Children Cruisade [sic] [Photo]

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 06:05:00 +0000

My Alibis

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 03:35:00 +0000

I didn't do it.
I was at the movies.
Maybe my twin did it.
But I'm allergic to shellfish.
Did you factor in Daylight Savings?
I'm a lover, not an art thief.
That doesn't sound like me.
That's not my style.
You don't know me.
THIS LOOKS SHOPPED / I CAN TELL FROM SOME OF THE PIXELS AND FROM SEEING QUITE A FEW SHOPS IN MY TIME.
Ask my supervisor; he'll know.
I've never met her in my life before. Right, ma'am?
It was like that when I got here. I just got here.
Lucky guess, I guess.
Kiss my ass.

Your Son Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 05:51:00 +0000

Your son is so ugly, when he was born, the doctor slapped you.
Your son is so fat, he gets winded telling a "Yo Mama" joke.
Your son can't read between the lines because he's illiterate.
Your son is such a mamma's boy, he tells "My Mama" jokes.
Your son is so stupid, he thinks your birthday is on Mother's Day.
You're not talking about my son?
Calm down, just joking, dearie.

See Also:
Yo Baby Jokes.
Yo Mama Salad Jokes.
Live Baby Jokes.