Luggage Tuesdays

Hack List May 2013: Didja Know?

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Sat, 04 May 2013 18:46:00 +0000

Didja know the first bottle of Flintstones Chewable Vitamins were filled with rocks and labelled "OOK"?
Didja know that the human head weighs 8 pounds, 9 pounds when it's detached from the body?
Didja know every Hack List ends with a link to another Hack List, like Hack List August 2012

Elephant Jokes [NSFW]

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Sun, 21 Apr 2013 16:27:00 +0000

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino and a female sheep having sex with elephant dung? The 'ell if I know, ewe fucking shit.

What did the Elephant Man say on his Bar Mitzvah? "Today I am an Elephant Man."

An elephant was backing into a parking spot, when suddenly a giraffe in a convertible pulled into his spot. The elephant drives back, looks the giraffe straight in the eyes, and says, "I'll remember this."

Q. Are jokes about elephants hiding in trees and leaving foot prints inside peanut butter jars examples of Absurdist humor? A. Yes.

An elephant walks into a '80's rock concert. There were no Survivor.

Why did the fat-ass elephant get busted for heroin? Because there was junk in her trunk.

Gruch-0 Marks

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I do know: we just had sex and he refused to make me a sandwich." - Gruch-0 Marks

What do you get when you cross an elephant with peanut butter? Why would you do that?

It's 1940 and two elephants are waiting to audition for Fantasia. One gets called into an office. Several hours later, the elephant stumbles out, wearing a tutu, and being escorting by two ostriches. She turns to the another elephant and says, "Walt Disney is one sick fuck."

Last call arrives for Larry the Barfly and his friend, Tony. When Larry offers another round, Tony declines. "I'm going cold turkey," he says. Larry the Barfly say - s, "Cold turkey? You'll get the D.T.'s." "What's that?" asks Tony. "The D.T.'s are the shakes you get when you withdrawl from alcohol. Gets so bad you hallucinate pink elephants." "Pink elephants, eh? That don't sound so bad." "'Don't sound so bad?'" mocks Larry. "The worst part is the elephant will want to sodomize you and there's nothing you can do about it." "Nothing?" "Well," says Larry, "There's one thing you can do. That pink elephant's gonna fuck you up the ass no matter what, but he'll make it less painful if you offer him a Kit Kat bar." "Kit Kat bar, huh? That's the most rediculious thing I ever heard. Well, gotta go, Larry. Take care."

Larry the Barfly waves good-bye as Tony leaves the bar and walks home. On a whim, Tony stops by the liquor store to purchase a Kit Kat bar, but all they have is Almond Joy, so Tony gets that and a Dasani and goes home.

Without alcohol, Tony feels restless and can't sleep. At 3 in the morning, he begins to sweat. He showers and walks around town, limping and gasping. At 5, Tony returns home. He feels different, nervous. Maybe it's the D.T.'s, Tony thinks. Suddenly, he hears the thumping of an elephant. Scared, he grabs his Almond Joy candy bar.

A pink elephant enters the room, looks at Tony, looks at the candy bar. Both remain quiet.

Finally, the pink elephant speaks. "Larry told me you'd have a Kit Kat bar," says the pink elephant.

Photo credits: CNN, Microsoft Clip Art, Luggage Tuesdays archive.

Hanging With My Tweeps 20: Record Store Day with Drew Harmon

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Sun, 21 Apr 2013 06:08:00 +0000

Bay Area comedian Drew Harmon and host Mike Spiegelman get topical as San Francisco celebrate Record Store Day, on April 20th, no less. Drew shows off his records. Mike asks why he can't get the news without jokes on Twitter. But, whatever, Happy 420!

Hack List April 2013

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Sun, 14 Apr 2013 17:23:00 +0000

Garlic Cheese Fries - no one invited you, Garlic.
Wallet, Unchained - What to call Django, Unchained after spending $30 on tickets.
Hack List March 2013.

Hanging With My Tweeps 19: @DannyDechi eats out

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Sun, 14 Apr 2013 17:04:00 +0000

Comedian and #2 pencil musician Danny Dechi drops by the show to talk about a restaurant in Mike and Danny's neighborhood. The place spent 8 months rebuilding the building, then closed three weeks after opening. Mike and Danny decide to live tweet from the restaurant.

Hack List March 2013

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Sat, 13 Apr 2013 07:10:00 +0000

Savory Pop Tarts.
Bathing in n00b tears.
What's cannon and not cannon in The Pirates of the Carribean universe.
Hack List December 2012.

Hack List February 2103

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 23:44:00 +0000

Horse racing as a metaphor.
Following food trucks on Flickr.
Commercials for restaurant chains not in your neighborhood.
Hack List January 2013.

Family Restaurant Menu, Part 18: Seven Course Meal

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Sat, 06 Apr 2013 21:30:00 +0000

See also: family restaurant menu parody.

Our seven course meal are for a limited time only. Not to be combine with six course deal. Note: Seating available only for 30 minute limit per table.

1. Steak with cocktail sauce.
2. Soup in salad.
3. Double bacon fishburger.
4. Melon mint intermezzo, served over server's CD demo.
5. Hot Coffee Nondairycreamershake.
6. Cheese plate.
7. 18% gratuity added to bill.

You Suck, Public Domain! - La Jetée

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Sat, 06 Apr 2013 07:28:00 +0000

Link to video.

There's the kick-off of another (!) Google Hangout on Air show hosted by Luggage Tuesdays' Mike Spiegelman, called You Suck, Public Domain! Here, art films found on YouTube get heckled.


YouTube Doubler

Watch art film La Jetée, alongside live heckling from @ojpatterson, @Jim_Fourniadis @ProudlyResents and @spiegelmania :

Hanging With My Tweeps 18: Roman Leo is The Man Without A Face

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Sat, 06 Apr 2013 04:46:00 +0000

Stretching the very concept of live streaming tweeting to the limit, host Mike Spiegelman welcomes Chicago comedian Roman Leo back to the program. Using his cellphone as a hot spot (take that, land lines!), Roman tweets with Spiegs, despite to being seen for most of the show.

Hanging With My Tweeps 17: @NerdGirlComedy

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 00:44:00 +0000

Erikka Innes' new comedy album, Smells Like Nerd Spirit, just dropped, and the Twitter superstar meets up with host Mike Spiegelman for this episode of Hanging With My Tweeps.

Hanging With My Tweeps 16 with @ProudlyResents

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 00:35:00 +0000

It's all in the family, as Mike Spiegelman welcomes his brother, the host of Proudly Resents, Adam Spiegelman, to this episode of Hanging With My Tweeps. And, no, Adam's not the older brother.

Hanging With My Tweeps 15 with @DavidCairns

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 00:29:00 +0000

Host Mike Spiegelman is so charmed by San Francisco comedian David Cairns, he lets it slide that Cairns never writes a tweet in this episode of Hanging With My Tweeps.

Hanging With My Tweeps 14 with @FeelMore510

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 00:25:00 +0000

This very popular episode of Hanging With My Tweeps has Nenna Joiner, owner of FeelMore510 and noted adult film director chatting with host Mike Spiegelman.

Hanging With My Tweeps 13 with @NatashaMuse

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 00:22:00 +0000

Natasha Muse, SF's finest comedian, graces host Mike Spiegelman on this episode of Hanging with My Tweeps.

Plug: Mike Spiegelman performs at SF Sketchfest 2013

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Mon, 28 Jan 2013 19:14:00 +0000

Excited to be part of the country's best comedy festival. I'll be performing in three shows:

Monday, January 28th, 8pm (tonight! buy tickets here!)

Killing My Lobster/Mission CTRL/ Hosted by Two Hot Mics
Eureka Theater, San Francisco

Celebrity impersonator Mike Spiegelman (playing himself) can’t get a break, until Sir Michael Caine (celebrity impersonator Colin Mahan) joins him onstage and teaches him acting. In the end, Spiegelman discovers it’s ok to be himself and Colin discovers it’s better to remain someone else.

Tuesday, February 5th, 8pm 21+ (buy tickets)
SF Sketchfest Presents The Layover Comedy
Layover Music Bar and Lounge

Only East Bay show at SF Sketchfest.
Hosted by Mike Spiegelman.
Featuring comedians
Conor Kellicut (Woody Allen's new movie)
Nato Green
Kaseem Bentley
Cara Tamontano
Kevin O'Shea
Stroy Moyd
Colleen Watson
Lydia Popovich.

With DJBC.
Special appearance by Nenna "FeelMore510" Joiner.
FiveTenBurger truck will be there.

Sunday, February 9th, 7pm (buy tickets)
A Funny Night For Comedy! With Natasha Muse

A Funny Night for Comedy is a live action late-night talk show featuring Natasha Muse (“Best Tranny Comedian,” SF Weekly) and sidekick Ryan Cronin. Every second Sunday of the month they (along with house band Mike Spiegelman and the Euphonic Cacophony, Sign Master Brian Fields, and Kirsten the Stage Manager) welcome the brightest up-and-coming comedians of the Bay Area (and beyond) in a warmly weird evening filled with stand-up, sketch, and improv. It’s the only show in San Francisco (possibly the world) where the price of admission includes delectable homemade fried chicken as well as a slice of delicious lemon cake because we don’t just want to make you laugh, we want to make you happy.

With guests Julia Hladkowicz and Matt Davis.

Previous: Plug: Sketchfest 2012, Video from 2012 show, [Shameles] Plug: Fresh Robots Reunite For SF Sketchfest 10th Anniversary Show

Hanging With My Tweeps 12: Turkey Bacon with @Lazer_Foxx

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Sat, 26 Jan 2013 20:50:00 +0000

This week, we talk turkey...turkey bacon, that is. Over a sizzling pan of God's cruelest breakfast meat, Mike runs over some basic Twitter tips before Colin @Lazer_Foxx Mahan pops up and plugs their upcoming SF Sketchfest show.

Hanging With My Tweeps 11: #DontBotherMeWhen with @RichDreyling

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Sun, 20 Jan 2013 05:02:00 +0000

Berkeley comedian Richard Dreyling join host Mike Spiegelman to live tweet. They are joined by cats and small children.

Hack List January 2013

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 17:35:00 +0000

Restaurants that have a bookcase of cookbooks in their restrooms.
Buying and selling gold.
Taking alchemy lessons.
Hack List April 2012.

Televised Typos: The Best Screengrabs of Poor Proof-Reading

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 10:05:00 +0000

NFL Playoff's [sic] News.

Cold algutenin [sic].

"THIS SHOW IS HILARIOUS" John Stewart [sic].

[Updated]

Children Cruisade [sic].

FITTNG [sic] ROOM.

Furture [sic] Focus.

Aristotele [sic].

Live Nude Review [sic].

Well [sic] add a chance to win $1000 in cash to your plans.

A puss-filled [sic] blister.

Twice-friend-and-mashed [sic] green plantains.

Grammy nominsted [sic] album Divided By Night.

Reasonable Crimes That Succeded [sic].

Company Shrimp and Mushroom Pasta.

["Paula's Best Dishes"]

This exclusive collection of TV's tortured text originally appeared as a regular series in Luggage Tuesdays under the heading "From The Editor." Photos by Karen Spiegelman. Her editing rate is quite reasonable.

Awkward

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Sat, 12 Jan 2013 01:40:00 +0000

A One-Man Play for Two Actors

Mark Twain is at his desk, writing.

Mark Twain
(writing in his journal) The coldest winter I've ever spent was...(notices audience). Oh, hello, I didn't see you come in. My name is Samuel Clemens.

Enter Ben Franklin

Ben Franklin
Early to best, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and... (notices audience) Oh, I didn't see you sitting there. My name is Benjamin Franklin.

Mark Twain
(noticing Franklin) Oh, hello, I didn't see you come in. My name is...

Ben Franklin
Oh, I didn't see you sitting there. My name is...

Ben Franklin (overlapping)
...Ben Franklin.

Mark Twain (overlapping)
...Samuel Clemens.

Mark Twain
Awkward.

Jokes About A Poisonous Snake Biting This Guy's Friend's Penis (NSFW)

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 07:16:00 +0000

Two guys were hiking in the desert when suddenly a poisonous snake bites one of the guys right on his dick.

"Call a doctor," said the man, as the snake slithered away.

His buddy calls the doctor. Doctor says, "You have to suck out the poison thoroughly or your friend is going to die!"

Dude hangs up the phone, turns to his pal, and says, "I've got some bad news. Doctor says we have to 69."

Two guys were hiking in the desert when suddenly a poisonous snake bites one of the guys on his dick and won't let go. The guy falls down.

"I better call a doctor," said his friend.

"Not yet," said the guy.

(As told by Gus Van Sant)

The morning sun touches the arid desert. Two friends walk. They don't say much. They walk past cacti and odd-looking trees and driftwood and shrubbery. When they do speak, they share a joke together: they call each other Gerry. The sun rises, warping the air. They walk.

Then a snake bites one of the Gerrys on the dick. That Gerry looks at the other Gerry. The other Gerry looks at the first Gerry. Snake looks at Gerry - I forget which one. Then the snake slithers away.

Sick, Gerry walks. They both walk. As the sun returns to the horizon, Gerrys walk. Gerry dies in the desert. The other Gerry walks to the edge of the highway. The end.

Two guys were hiking in the desert, when a poisonous snake bites one of the dudes' cock.

"Kill that snake," the injured man told his friend.

"No, don't!" cried the snake.

"You're a talking snake?" asked the man.

"I was a Hollywood starlet until an old witch turned me into a snake," said the snake. "The only way to turn me back is to bite your dick."

"What Hollywood starlet are you?"

"Reese Witherspoon."

"Who?"

"How old are you?"

"We're 21."

"OK, I'm Jennifer Lawrence."

Two guys were hiking in the desert, when a poisonous snake bites one of the bro's hose, then slithers away.

"Ouch!" said the victim.

"Ha!" said his mate. "Did you ever see Snakes on a Plane?"

"Call a doctor!"

His mate pulled out his cellphone but doesn't call.

Finally, the snake-bitten bro said, "Have you called the doctor?"

"Not yet," said his mate. "First I'm posted on Facebook a clip of Snakes on a Plane that was edited for TV. Instead of saying 'motherfucker,' Samuel Jackson's saying 'Monday Friday.'"

Hanging With My Tweeps 10: #ItKillsMeWhen

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Sat, 05 Jan 2013 17:59:00 +0000

First episode for the New Year and it's a good one. Bay Area comedian Stefani Silverman (@stefsilverman) and host Mike Spiegelman (@spiegelmania) reveal their beefs, thanks to the hastag meme #ItKillsMeWhen.

Here's the tweets:

Meet the Internet [January 2013]

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 20:26:00 +0000

Welcome to Luggage Tuesdays, a humor site I've run since 2007. I'm Mike Spiegelman.

There are many ways to view new content without going to the site:

RSS Feed - add it to your RSS reader.
Facebook - get notified on your favorite website.
Twitter - get notified on my favorite website.
Friendfeed - remember Friendfeed?

Podcast - Using text-to-speech technology, Odiogo.com transforms written posts into audio mp3s. I've been using this service for 4 or 5 years now.

Want to view old content?

Archives - on the right-hand side of the site is an Archive button (file cabinet icon), but I prefer using the Twitter page which lists all posts with links.
Best of Luggage Tuesdays - Taking the Twitter page as archives concept a little further, I've "starred" the best material, which can be found on the Twitter account's Favorites page.
Compilations - I've complied old material and posted it on Scribd. There are embedded below.

Want even more content?

Ebaumsworld - I've been blogging there.
Hanging With My Tweeps - Live weekly video podcast. I post them on Luggage Tuesdays.
Luggage Tuesmblrs - Official Tumblr site. Lots of stuff that wouldn't fit the official site.
Other Tumblr sites: Fuck Yeah Victoria Jackson, Aw Snap!, @Spiegelmania, Layover Comedy Night, The Bitter Show.

Superhero Parody 2012 Annual

Restaurant Menu Parody

The Mike Spiegelman Joke Book

Offensive But Empowering Jokes (NSFW)

noreply@blogger.com (Mike Spiegelman) — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 04:26:00 +0000

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who is floating in the ocean?
You call him a MAN!

How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
As many Polacks as it TAKES!