Jet trusts me so completely. This might be a dog related post, but it’s kid related too. And just a general trust post so I thought I’d put it here instead of my dog blog. Anyway I am just amazed at how completely he trusts me. He lets me hold him upside down, lift him, take things from him, give things to him… he flops on me in lots of ways with no thought of falling or being treated poorly. I assume young children are just exactly like this. Do young kids have trust as their default? Are they born with trusting their parents entirely?

I have had so many dogs through my home that don’t trust me. And as an adult human I don’t trust too many people. It seems, as adult humans, we don’t tend to trust easily. Trust has to be earned. We have been disappointed way too many times.

What if our trust was never betrayed, from the time we were little kids, and we trusted people by default? And people were trustworthy? I just wonder what the world would be like. Totally different… and human nature would not let that happen. But it’s an interesting idea anyway. Maybe in 4396510 years humans will evolve to a point where we will be trustworthy. Until then.. I will cherish my little boy Jet and appreciate all the trust he gives me. And protect him as much as I can. I want him to know the world is a safe place. I will make the world a safe place for him. Unlike a human kid, he won’t ever go out on his own and need to be a skeptic. I’ll always watch over him.

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As an adult I love Halloween. I have an awesome Harry Potter student robes costume that I love. Didn’t wear it this year though because I’m sick and I don’t feel like doing anything much but sleeping.

Anyway, Happy Halloween!

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And I’ve been so hot lately. All summer I was just extra hot. And it wasn’t even a natural hot. I don’t know how to describe it. But right now I’m upstairs in my bedroom… for some reason our upstairs is cooler than our downstairs. Downstairs it’s over 70 degrees and up here it’s just over 60, which is much more comfortable for me! So I’m upstairs in bed and gonna fire up and watch True Blood that I have on my MacBook.

I don’t know if I’m getting PreMenopause or what. Maybe. But I’m only 42. But I guess my hormones have been screwy my whole life, so why not now too? Maybe I’ll surf the web today too, get a term insurance quote or buy some dog stuff online. Or just go watch True Blood and fall back to sleep.

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And while it wasn’t all that great of a show, too much action and not enough character development, it reminded me of how our society has the 40 hour work week and if you don’t fit into that mold, then you are going to have a really hard time.

I don’t like that mold. I don’t fit it… even though I’ve been doing it for most of my life. Well, the last 21 years anyway. And probably more than that. But what about people who just can’t sit confined at a desk all day, or even just in the restraint of that type of work? Selling rv insurance is the same idea though…

There are the artists of the world who don’t conform. Back in the old old days when we didn’t have this 40 hour work week there were farmers and warriors and you just did what you did to support yourself. Now you must fit in the mold.

And if you don’t, you’ll be on the street.

And that is scary.

I can do it… but I don’t really like doing it. It’s too much stress. And the closer I get to having it be over, the more stressed I get about having it cut out from under me. That security… that pension. I just hope I can sit behind that desk for another four years, do my best, and hope for something else when I’m done.

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This weekend is a flyball tournament in Hurricane, Utah.  It’ll be busy and fun.  I just wish I didn’t have to work so I could be home during the week.  Well, hopefully that’ll happen in a few years.  But for now I have to pay for all the dog sports!

I kinda wish they sold dog and cat supplies at the tourney.. but then again, I really need to save my money, not spend it.

The weekend after this one I have agility both days. But starting in November I should have some good weekends at home. Yay! Maybe I’ll actually have time to decorate for the holidays.

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I just have to say I am sick and tired of all the signs that are popping up around our office, one in every bathroom stall on every six floors of this building, that tell people to Wash Their Hands!  What germophobe is putting all these up?

If I get sick, whatever. It’ll be some nice time off from work. I’m not going to worry about it. Which is odd, since I worry a lot. I worry about my weight and weight loss supplements but by gum I don’t worry about getting the freakin’ flu.

I’m trying to find some anti-Germophobe signs online that I can print out and put up next to, or in place of, the Obsessed-About-Hand-Washing signs that are already up. I haven’t found any yet… but I have found all the signs that are already up.

People, just be normal. We are all adults here and we know how to wash our hands and be careful. Once people do start dropping in the hundreds of thousands, then we can worry, okay?

How do you spell Germophobe anyway? I’ve seen it as Germaphobe as a spelling too. It’s also called Mysophobia for those wishing to use the more proper term.

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I think I’ve been internalizing my anxiety and, as weird as it may sound, it’s been manifesting underneath my skin and just above my muscles.

I’ve mentioned before that I have trouble doing things… various things, but really all things, that would be responsible to do. Like taking vitamins for instance. I take them for a while, but then I stop because suddenly the anxiety comes up and I don’t take them anymore. I’ve said that I can obsess about things, such as knitting or jogging, and then after a while I stop that, too. But now I wonder if it’s obsessing, or if it’s just this same barrier that I keep hitting.

Just like hitting hard classroom desks or a brick wall, my anxiety comes up and it prevents me from doing what I want to do. I’ll tell you sometimes I have no idea how I’ve been involved in dog training and dogs for so long. I guess my passion outweighs the anxiety. But for the most part I can only do things for so long and then I stop cold.  (Well, except for watching TV or movies too, but that’s an escape so doesn’t count.)

So now I’m trying to feel the anxiety.  Look at it. When I do, it doesn’t get under my skin and I don’t feel the crawling pain so much.  So that’s good!  But, of course, anxiety sucks and I hate feeling it.  Anxiety likes to protect itself and to do so it distracts the mind to look at something else.  So I have to force myself to see the anxiety and feel it.

So I’m trying that now.  I don’t even know what is causing the anxiety.. what thoughts? What habits? What feelings?  How does taking vitamins make me anxious? I think there’s an underlying common component that I have yet to discover.

I think this is a big step for me though!

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I was born in Chicago… well, Oak Park to be exact. And I do love it there… I love to visit. Sometimes I do wish that my parents had not moved us out here to Salt Lake City, when I was 7 and my sister was 11. We have a great family back there. My Dad’s family is there and it’s great to see them now and again.

Don’t get me wrong I absolutely love my life here and I know things would be completely different if we hadn’t moved here. I love being able to follow my passion, my dogs, and I love my husband and our house and it’s nice living in smaller town.  I just sometimes miss the support network we left behind when we moved here.  However, I’ve built a new support network with friends and family I love dearly and I’m so glad I have the friends and family I have now.

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I want to try to relax more and see if I can get the shimmering under my skin to calm down and, eventually, go away. But when i try to stretch or meditate the anxiety gets worse. It grows like a dark cloud in my stomach. I know that sitting through it is the only way to make it go away, but the nature of anxiety is that it wants you to avoid the things that cause the anxiety.

Maybe I just don’t know how to have a calm and peaceful life. My life is great and I love the things I do… maybe I need to sit with that more and realize yes, i do deserve a good life. We all do.

Good night.

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I think that my Candida and Lyme and all that junk is tied into the constant buzz of anxiety my body feels. Maybe some cross country movers would help me feel better… or moving across country, anyway. But I dunno. I try to sit and look at my anxiety and deal with it and relax… and I just feel more anxiety.

I know I need to meditate or exercise or just do relaxation or breathing exercises… but even those things just cause my anxiety to escalate. And so, of course, I avoid them. I know that facing my anxiety does cause it to diminish… but it’s so hard to face something that first escalates the thing you want most to avoid. Bleh.

Anyway, my muscles still shimmer with a bit of pain, though it’s not as bad as it used to be. My neck still hurts… when I crack it. Which is about half the time now. I’m getting better at remembering not too but it’s hard to remember a habit that’s so habitual you don’t even think about it anymore.

I think I’m in a viscous circle where my physical discomfort causes mental discomfort and then the mental causes the physical and on and on it goes…. so I need to stop one of them and the other will follow suit. I am feeling a lot better physcially than I was.  So that’s good. Maybe I’m feeling better enough that I’m noticing the bad feelings even more, if that makes any sense.

Well, I am eating better and I go back to the doc on Monday for a checkup. So hopefully that’ll go well too.  I hate making that drive, and I don’t have an audio book right now… maybe I need to find one for Monday.

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