LUNG CANCER LIFE:

Moving Forward

2012-04-08T15:21:00.000-05:00

Welcome back my friends.It is good news that has delayed my posts this time.I have been working/playing a lot lately.I am enjoying my career on a part time basis and loving every minute of it.It helps a little with finances,which have been tough this last year.I have met some wonderful people,been around some great energy and I have felt better the last nine months,(psychologically) than the last six years.I definitely feel that trying to keep busy with ones mind on other activities,plays a big part on dealing with keeping our minds off that which we can not change.I have learned the acceptance part of Lung Cancer,and all my other ailments.I "Believe",I pray ,and I have faith that I will just be given some more time.
I have had a few set backs the last couple months.I developed pneumonia and had to go to the hospital a couple of times.I was lucky and with some medicine for my emphysema,and an antibiotic for the pneumonia I was pleased that I did not succumb to total respiratory failure.I had a cough these last few months though,and that has had me a bit worried.The cough is very similar to the one that previous brought concern to me in 2005.It was this symptom that encouraged me to get a CT scan of the lungs,which of course revealed the Stage 1 Lung Cancer.I had the right lobe of my lung removed and have remained cancer free for six years,Thank God!
I will see my oncologist in May for a check up and another x-ray of the chest and can only pray that the cancer has not returned.He told me that depending on the test he may have to remove another lobe of my lung,or put me on chemo.I do not like any of those options,but one has no choice.
I also have to see my kidney doctor that month.He will determine if my one and only kidney is functioning okay.If it is not he says I will have to go on dialysis or have a transplant.All of these realities,all of theses facts.I do find it hard to think about it all.I like to just wait and see,and NOT worry til its time.
Spring has sprung here,and with that I feel alive myself.I am happy and thankful that I do not have oxygen,yet,for my emphysema.I am so blessed that so far I haven't had to endure any chemo,or any other surgery.
I have bad days,lots of bad days.I also have lots of good days,and those are the ones that count.
When all my appointments with all my doctors are over,maybe I will have to change my plans,but I will also learn to roll with and deal with anything that God has decided for my fate.I believe its a lot to do with attitude.Dealing with cancer,or any terminal disease takes its toll on everyone.You have to have Hope,Faith and also .....
Remember.....

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!
Believe

HOPE for LIFE

2012-02-11T09:07:00.000-06:00

Hope is the emotional state, the opposite of which is despair, which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life.^[1] It is the "feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best" or the act of "look[ing] forward to with desire and reasonable confidence" or "feel[ing] that something desired may happen".^[2] Other definitions are "to cherish a desire with anticipation"; "to desire with expectation of obtainment"; or "to expect with confidence

Welcome back everyone.You made my days with all of your comments and well wishes and prayers.Thank You.
You know that trough all my trials I have had to "Believe".I have had Faith.I also have Hope.
We all have those things,those thoughts,that get us through.I know with cancers,and heart disease,kidney disease and copd,fatal diseases,that Hope is all we can do.I will also acknowledge the fact that those people that are lying in pain in the last stages of dying,lose their hope.
I write on my posts about positive attitude.That my friends is a great remedy.It doesn't cost anything,and we all can do it.We can change our state of mind.We can go to our happy place,we can recall our great memories,but we can mentally survive the toll that cancer takes.
We all can and do have Hope.We Hope and pray that they will find a cure.We hope the chemo works.
We pray.We pray for GOD not to take us from our loved ones,and at times we pray for good to stop our suffering,and let us go.
I do pray everyday,that I can still continue to have Faith,Belief,and mostly hope that I can keep on doing what I am doing,just in the moment,just for the day.
I would like to invite you now,to a song that my brother-in law Charles Chilton wrote after he read my blog.He was able to feel the words I have been trying to express to all my readers.Please have a listen to

"HOPE"

http://www.youtube.com/charleschilton

Thank You,and remember til next time

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

New Year of Hopes and Dreams

2011-12-23T16:39:00.002-06:00

Merry Christmas and a very Healthy Happy New Year to you all.May all your hopes and dreams come true,now and forever.
I have lots of Hope.I have lots of Dreams.Those two go together.I hope I can always Dream,and I Dream I can always Hope.
I like a New Year.I kind of feel like it is the first day back to school.I will get a new journal,and start to write nice and neat.I am sure I will continue that for awhile,but the truth....I will probably forget to write in it in a few months.L.O.L
My hope is that the lung cancer has not returned to eat me up.I have lost 20 pounds in the last three months,and that was not planned.I guess I am kind of worried,so...Now I will have to put some of my dreams on hold.
I hope that my one and only kidney does not fail.I have chosen not to go on "Dialysis".I am just trying to find the right diet right now to get healthy enough to fight what that throws at me.
I also dream.I dream that I will live another 20 years and I see myself beginning again,and NEVER,EVER,wasting any more time worrying so much again.
But most of all,I Pray,everyday,that I will live every moment like it is my last.I will give and receive love.I will be happy.

P.S I thought after 6 years of posting I would change the old photo.The previous photo showed my "Aura".This photo is the up to date one.I hope now you will know who you are really talking to.L.O.L
Just hard to face the age difference.
I will have a Merry Christmas with my loved ones and be Thankful.

I will have a good year!
so remember til next time....

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

Counting My Blessings for the 6th,7th,8th and 9th times Again!

2011-11-23T21:11:00.000-06:00

Welcome Everyone.Happy Thanks Giving to all of my guests who are celebrating this day in their homes.I also wish everyone who reads my posts would also like to take the time to reflect on some of the moments of strife and glory,and to count your blessings as well.
Now,with that being said I will try to catch you all up on my latest news.
I have just recently had a bout of the cold/flu situation that has been going around here.I unfortunately,ended up with a few complications more.My lungs having had the lung cancer surgery,and my emphysema were not to able to keep up with the impact of a cold and I ended up with pneumonia.I have,Thankfully,recovered from that,but have increased my inhalers to compensate with my dry hacking cough and shortness of breath.
I also visited my "nephrologist"(kidney doctor),yesterday.He told me that my potassium level was quite low.He also noted that I had lost over ten pounds in the last few months.He is so concerned with the weight loss that he is going to be in touch with my lung cancer doctor.He really scared me,because I didn't think I would hear any thing regarding my cancer situation from him.I,as far as I know,do not have cancer in my kidney,so.....I am now a little alarmed.I have of course thought over and over again as to what else might have caused me to lose my weight,but for the life of me,I do not think any of my eating habits have changed.Inside myself,I just sort of want to try to gain some weight and eat the right foods to gain some needed "potassium"back in my body,and just take each day as it comes.
It is Christmas coming,and I really do not want to deal with any more decisions then I already have.I will keep you posted as to how that is going.Wish me luck.
Today,and everyday,I do count my blessings.I have written a post every year regarding the miracles and blessings that have happened to me.
I have been given many tests,many trials,and Thank God I am here to share my stories with you again.When you are faced with a doctor telling you that you only have a few weeks or months to live,you do STOP and think.The word live,becomes LIVE!In that moment,your life really does flash before your eyes.I have had that feeling each and every year with every fatal diagnosis that I have had made on my ailments.My life no longer flashes as much ,as I am living,or trying to live each minute,in the moment and have the foresight and not the hindsight of all the flashes as that first time.
We all have challenges in our lives,and we all have the ability to choose how we deal with them.
My blessings also go out to all of those brave souls who are facing cancer,to all those who have lost others to this battle,and to all the caregivers that get us through.
May God Bless You!

Til next time remember......

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

Standing at the Crossroads

2011-10-14T14:49:00.000-05:00

Well,Here I am again folks.Medically,I am at the crossroads.It seems neither of my choices will be good ones.I do not want to dwell on that right now.
I do however,want to tell you that I am not as dependant upon my husband as much.For several years I hardly got of my bed.I now get up and drive the car to my freelance position ,I was able to obtain.It doesn't pay much,but with my son and husband to support,every bit helps.I now look forward to getting out of bed in the morning and facing the day.Every step I take I feel like I am winning against the odds.Lung Cancer,COPD,Fibromalgia,Heart Disease and only one kidney functioning,I feel pretty darn good.I am not on oxygen yet,I have the availability of both legs and arms,(though sometimes they ache).I am here now and even if this is my final act,it has been a great play.
I still have lots on my plate physically.Every doctor appointment scares me.I have my "nephrologist"(kidney doctor),to see in a few weeks.Two of my specialists believe I am losing my only kidney and have mentioned the open heart surgery and the kidney transplant again.But.....I will not worry yet,as that only wastes the good moments.My lung cancer doctor feels a six month check up is due.My heart doctor still says I am a ticking time bomb.I do not know,I really sound in worse shape than I feel.
I want to let you all know to keep thinking positive,every day,even when stuff gets you so down.
So,Remember til next time

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

Ten Years of Dying

2011-08-20T10:53:00.001-05:00

Welcome everyone.The title of this post sounds scary,but the rest of the title should be,"and the next ten years trying".This trial of deadly diagnosis's began way before lung cancer and COPD.This all began with a mammogram of my breasts in 1996.I had a CT scan that showed there were several lumps and they suggested a surgeon remove my breasts and the lumps.I walked into the hospital that day,and an angel appeared to me.The angel was a lady Doctor,who took the time to take a second look at the situation.Yes,Lo! and behold they turned into cysts and were drained and yes ,today I am without Breast Cancer.The following years came with heart and liver and now kidney disease and of course lung cancer.
I still am alive my friends.Yes,I am truly blessed,but I truly" believe"that with my faith in tomorrow,that I have survived the odds that were against me.I know that when the physical body takes over it can and will win.We have come along way with our technology,and the media is covering the warnings.I would like to see more screening done earliar.I would have liked to have been told I had the genetic genes that predisposed me to all of my problems.I think knowing would have made a difference in some of the choices i have had to make and made.I think I want to know when I am going to die.The worrying has already killed so much of me.
I am at the stage now where I do not even want to see a doctor.I do not want to touch on cancer subjects.I do not want to find out if I have to have open heart surgery or a kidney transplant.For awhile,I just want to let time and worries slip away.I am enjoying working at my passion again,and those days make me happy.I am really going to try to live the next ten years.
So,I hope on a possitive note.
Til next time ...Remember...

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

COMFORTABLY NUMB

2011-07-06T15:27:00.000-05:00

Welcome,and I am so sorry to not have kept you updated.
This time,no news,WAS,good news.
I saw my doctor that looks after my lung cancer,and after the chest x-ray,he informed me that,wait for it......No regrowth of the two inch tumor in my lung has occurred.Yes,Yes,Thank you God!.
This is past the five year mark for my lung cancer.There are very few lung cancer survivors.I am very blessed.
I still do not take anything for granted.I still do not wish for anything,I am comfortably numb.
I do not mean I am not moving,because,as of lately I have had new energy.I know that with the latest news on the cancer,I feel more positive about a future.Maybe not a long one,but maybe a little longer then was first thought.
I am still on hold for a few things yet though.I lost one of my kidneys about a year ago,and so now,I have to keep getting tests to make sure my other one,and only one is functioning properly.I worry lots if I get pains in my back or side,I still have lots of heart problems too,but I figure,if its going to happen,then its going to happen.I am on top of my own medical conditions at all times,and have the top docs looking after me.Life goes on.
I have found renewed energy in a passion of mine,that I am able to do again with confidence.I am out and about,instead of waiting to die in bed.I am feeling great .
I want to say right now,right here,that "Today is the first day of my new life".
Thank You all for all your prayers and well wishes,and thanks for coming back and riding along with me on this journey.I hope to be busy out in the work force for awhile,but I promise to post more often.
Til then Remember

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

Shorter of Breath,and one Day Closer to Death

2011-04-24T14:13:00.003-05:00

Welcome back everyone.No news,was not good news,so I haven't posted for awhile,due to the fact that my spirit was a bit down.I know you are accustomed to my whining on here,but it is even starting to bother me.L.O.L.

I have been so very tired lately.My lungs are definitely getting worse,and the emphysema is causing me to become short of breath,just from speaking.My heart is bad as well,so I guess with those vital organs slowing down,it is no wonder.
I have got a lot on my plate this month.Hopefully,I will have some more answers on some of my conditions,with regard to my heart attacks and strokes and only remaining kidney.I think I really do not need to hear it all again though.There is a chance that my lung cancer has come back.I am so scared with that.
Before they diagnosed me with lung cancer 5 years ago,I had a very bad cough.The cough lasted for months.Now,after 5 years,I am starting to cough like that again.I am thinking it could be my COPD,at least I am praying that,as then I would go on oxygen,instead of chemo.Both are horrific diagnosis's anyway.It is always like that with me though.This Dr. appointment with my cancer surgeon will either be the first of a beginning new every week thing and chemo,or he will say I do not have to see him for a year.YEAH!LETS PRAY FOR THAT!
I have a lung cancer called "BAC".It is one of the rarer cancers.
I was blessed to have the 2 inch tumor removed in 2006.I have not had it return.The thing is,there is very little survival rate of over 5 years with this kind of cancer.
I am okay now,so I am praying to God to keep me well for another 5 years at least.
The reason my spirit is down is financial this time.
We are going to lose our home of 34 years soon.My husband worked on the railway for over 30 years til 2002,when he left to care for me.
With his age and health against him now,and my teeny weeny problems,we would not be able to find employment.
We have a couple months yet.
But,you know me,I still "Believe" that something will happen in the meantime to prevent that.
I am still hoping to get something that pays from home,so I can bring in some income.We'll see.
It is hard to plan.It is hard to know what to strive for when you are under a death sentence with cancer.I do believe however,that we must still keep our dreams and hopes alive.By doing that we can actually look forward to getting up in the morning,with a smile on our face...

So til next time Remember

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

The Cancer Constant

2011-03-28T09:23:00.002-05:00

Welcome back everyone. Today,I will start again,Today I will start again. My life is like the movie "Groundhog Day". Cancer is a constant.The thoughts nag at you continuously.Again and again and again. My lung cancer ,I hope,is at stage T1.It is a non small cell cancer.I was diagnosed six years ago,and am truly blessed to still be here to write this post. I do not have much physical pain from the cancer.I do however cringe a bit remembering the operation.They removed the right lobe of my lung,called a "lobectomy" and left a twelve inch scar.Of course there is not pain under anesthesia,but looking at myself after the operation was scary.I had a tube to drain the blood from my chest and to make sure no clots would form.The tube came out of a hole in my chest about the size of a quarter.My back had twenty-one staples and I looked like Frankenstein.But,I was alive. My scar has since healed wonderfully. I am one of the lucky ones.Cancer kills and cancer kills fast.My lung cancer was only found by chance.I had had a wicked cough for over three months and the doctor decided it was time for a chest xray,to perhaps rule out pneumonia.They found a spot on my lung and then proceeded to CT scan to reveal a 2" tumor.I know a lot of doctors and patients would,and will take antibiotics and not go the extra distance to make sure.My advise would be to check out any cough that lasts a long time. The operation went well.I found the scary part was after. The physical pain is not so bad anymore,with regard to the cancer.I ,of course still have related pain with my emphysema. I do know that there isn't a day,that I don't worry about there being another day. With the latest diagnosis of the loss of my kidney and the very poor only other kidney,I am starting to feel that old familiar feeling. I am going through it again.I am going through it again.I am going through it again. I "Believe" that this will be another journey.I will have challenges,and I pray that I have the strength and courage to move on with grace and dignity. Well,Til next time....Remember DON'T STOP BELIEVING! Believe

NOT READY TO LAY DOWN AND DIE!

2011-02-17T17:01:00.002-06:00

Some good news.The doctor said that the artery supply to my one good kidney is okay.They will not have to do the invasive surgery now.I am so relieved.
I am actually back to original diagnosis,which had said that I could live on one kidney.
I am sure going to have to make some real life changes to stay on top of this one.
It sure is a little off my plate right now,and I am so grateful.
My husband hugged me when we got the news.I felt that when I was busy worried about me dying,I had forgotten about his feelings on my loss.
I also surely know that for sure God has a reason for keeping me well.
For those of you that have read my posts over the last five years know about all my close calls.Death has been at my doorstep many times.I have prayed and I have shared my stories with you and you have sent me well wishes.I believe all of that has helped with all of these terminal illnesses.
I will still see a vascular surgeon,but the need is not at an urgent stage.
I hope not to have any doctor appointments for awhile,and look forward to moving on.
We have had a lot of financial difficulty over this the last few years.
When I got the lung cancer diagnosis my husband left work to care for me.The money has since run out,so we both have to find work.It will be a slow go,as we are both in our sixties.I figure I could start with a few hours a week.I can still walk and talk and I am still breathing,so I am ready to give it a go.
I sure am not yet ready to lay down and die.
So everyone just a short post to keep you up to date.
so remember til next time

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

RUNNING SCARED

2011-02-06T16:38:00.003-06:00

Welcome everyone.Once again,Thank You all for your thoughts and prayers.
I am about to set on a new voyage.My diagnostic tests are in with regard to the loss of a kidney and the about to be,loss of the other kidney.
I have now been told that I will have to have vascular surgery to open up an artery that is blocked in the renal area.They have also suggested that I might have to have a kidney transplant.I have been told that without the surgery,I will be on dialysis for the rest of my life.
I am sure that this is a situation that is faced by many.I am just amazed at why it is happening to me.
I have been dealing with lung cancer,emphysema,heart attack and two strokes.I never knew anything was even wrong with my kidneys,when this all began.
It has been a year now since they first discovered that I lost my right kidney.It is only now,a year later that they are about to get around to saving my only kidney and my life.
I am scared,and I feel like running.
It is not the operation itself that I am afraid of.It is the fact that my whole body is so wrecked,I am afraid that the operation itself is very risky.
The doctors tell me it is a do or die situation.They say I am a "ticking time bomb".
I say that it is much more difficult to face this with the knowledge of death looming.
There is always a risk with anesthesia,but with my high blood pressure and bad heart and lungs,the doctors themselves do not place much faith.
Well,Well,Well,.Here I am the positive "Believe",losing faith?
I still want to believe that all will be well,but the reality must play a part in this.I will go into the operation with expectations of coming out,but I will also go in prepared,not to come out.
I feel that to worry about it now,will waste precious time.My friends say that I am probably really stressed about it,but what good does that do.
I know that I will not choose dialysis.
I also know that after this operation I will be facing possible return of my lung cancer.I might be on chemo.I also know that I am fighting the odds and that I will soon have to be on oxygen.
It is not a pretty picture folks.
You have to be really strong to still keep smiling,and move on everyday.
I will not let myself lose faith,nor will I refuse any treatment that could save my life.
Yes,I am scared,but I guess even though I want to run,I won't.
Final test is this week and operation may be very soon this month.I will try to keep you posted.
so,Remember,til next time

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

WISHING YOU A HAPPY HEALTHY NEW YEAR

2011-01-05T09:19:00.004-06:00

A new year begins.I was not supposed to be here,again.Almost monthly since 2006 when I was diagnosed with Lung Cancer,I never knew how long I would be here.Now when New Years comes around,I am amazed and very grateful,that 5 years later I still am.

Lung Cancer was the biggest fear.I had already dodged four possibly fatal diseases.I had "cirrhosis" of the liver.and a suspicious breast biopsy,which turned out to be cysts,I had an almost fatal "grand mal" seizure,and I had pre cancer cells on my cervix and underwent laser treatments to prevent the cancer from spreading.

Lung Cancer is a lingering problem.I was diagnosed and caught mine early.Lung cancer is usually not found in time for most people,and therefore the low survival rate.Mine was found by luck through another check for emphysema.

I have made more scary visits to my oncologist in the last five years than any other doctor.Each time I walk in the office and he reads the x-ray in front of me,I fear the worst.Then he says it hasn't come back and I start again to make some more plans til my next monthly visit.I literally have to live one day at a time.Of course that living is better than the alternative.
The New Year heralds a new time,a chance for change.I have not made any resolutions this year.My mind is too full of what I have to do,rather than what I want to do.
They say I can live with my one kidney.They also say that I am a "ticking time bomb",they also say I will most likely have a major stroke or heart attack.I guess you can see why I don't make plans.
I will say that I pray for another good year of life,and wish for a better year health wise.
I do however wish all of you a healthy new year.Thank You all for your prayers and wishes and comments,on my last post.Without you all this would be for nothing.
Til next time remember

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

THE CHOICE TO DIE

2010-11-20T09:29:00.003-06:00

I would like to choose how I die.I do not imagine one normally gives much thought to that.After receiving all my death notices from my doctors,I am starting to realise that I am not dealing with too many life choices.
I feel like I would like a "Grand Departure".
I am on "hold" right now from some real devastating news.The Lung Cancer in my right lung has not returned at this point,Thank God!My emphysema has worsened,and of course with part of my lung removed,my breathing is quite bad.An MRI awaits me and some endoscopy to find and perhaps blast some kidney or bladder stone that have formed.Oh!Lovely.
How can I concentrate on living with all this on my mind.So.....I have decided to plan and be prepared to die.
As morbid as this sounds,it is my reality.I have already tried "living in the moment".It is impossible.I find myself,lying to myself.How could I sit there on a Monday and plan for Friday?Every time I try to plan,something comes up with my health and it doesn't work out.
I just want to plan my demise.I want to see people now,not at my funeral.I want to have a honeymoon after being married for 41 years and never having even a vacation.I want to right all the wrongs I have done.I want to most of all,Prepare my family to continue without me.I want my loved ones to know that ,I have no regrets.
I am probably not going to die tomorrow,but I might.my odds are pretty good in that favor.I knew,and know that I want to live,but the wanting doesn't matter here.I want to be brave and face the reality of this.
I also want to believe.....
so til next time remember

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

Keep on Living,If You're Not Prepared to Die

2010-10-12T13:41:00.003-05:00

Thanksgiving this year was a meditating one.I thought about all the things I gave thanks for over the years,and some new ones I have added.I am especially Thankful to still be here writing these posts. I started this journal after I was diagnosed with Lung Cancer.I never thought this journey would be that long,and with so many roads to travel.Since my lung cancer diagnosis,I have been diagnosed with Emphysema,cirrhosis of the liver,hypertension,and I have had a heart attack and a stroke.In the last six months I have lost my right kidney.The kidney got blocked and the renal artery couldn't flow properly,I think.My God,you say.How can I still be here after all that?I can't answer that,but I can say I am truly blessed.
I read about others who have lung cancer,that are not as fortunate.I have learned a lot on how others feel when they go through all different cancers.Please check out
http://beingcancer.net
on so many other points of view.Lung Cancer takes you fast and sometimes you are not prepared.I have dealt with fatal diagnosis's since 2002.I believe I have more than prepared myself to die.I just pray I can keep finding a reason to live.
We all have bad days and good days.I have had sorta days of late.When I am having a hard time breathing,I do not feel like doing much,and the sitting around really gets to me.
I am on hold for a huge diagnosis.I see my cancer doctor and my kidney doctor on the same day soon.
I will get a chest xray from my oncologist and it will show immediately if the cancer has returned.I will not even have time to feel the impact of the news,as I have to go upstairs to see the kidney doctor.He will decide,with the recent test results if my kidneys are failing,and whether or not I might have to go on dialysis.Wow!What an emotional day that will be.I already know the kidney isn't good news,but I really don't want to deal with the lung cancer right now.I guess what will be will be.
I will leave you on that note.
Remember til next time

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

Feeling like I'm Fixing to Die

2010-09-08T09:11:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone.It has been awhile since my last post,sorry.The fact is I have had no more news on my kidney failure,liver or lung cancer.I am again caught up in the system.My new doctor wants to start all over again.She thinks that perhaps my liver might have caused my kidney to fail.My right kidney is completely occluded at this point.I have already had the two MRI's that have determined what is going on,they just do not know why.We do know that the kidneys were damaged by "Hypertension",which is high blood pressure.I have been in and out of emergency rooms for 1.5 years now.When I went there I was checked for a heart attack and released.I wasn't given any follow up or information with regard to this causing kidney failure.I know now why they call high blood pressure the silent killer.I also have a cirrhosis of the liver,which is now causing even greater problems.They have me scheduled now for an ultrasound of the liver.You know,through all this,I have never been given anything to cure,help,or stop my pains or my worries.Sometimes I feel like I am always being diagnosed and the answers are not coming.Maybe no news is good news?
I am in a mode now to move on.I love the autumn.It is my new year.I want to continue to have passions.I want to exercise,eat healthier and really try to not believe that my condition is Fatal.I want to believe that there will be a cure.I want to believe that they made the wrong diagnosis.But....I also want to,and need to stay real,although real isn't as much fun.
The lung cancer on my right lung,was at stage 1 five months ago.I will see my doctor with regard to that in November.I will not be surprised by a disappointing result.I have begun coughing that familiar cough again lately.I also have emphysema,so I guess they are both acting up.
Oh well,When it is all said and done at the end of the day,at least I am still here to write about it.
I do not write this blog to depress you,so take something good from this,and remember....

Don't Stop Believing!

Believe

Living to Die

2010-07-31T17:41:00.003-05:00

Welcome.I am on a hiatus right now from my physicians.It feels good to be test free for awhile.Lung Cancer doctor hopefully not til November.I also see a respirologist for my emphysema in the end part of August.I am usually attending appointments lately so it is nice to have a bit of a break.Can YOU imagine what it is like to continue to live when your going to die.?I know we are all going to die,but come on now,at least live to a ripe old age.I really do not know how much more I can play this phys game.Thank God,though my mind has suffered some residual affects from the stroke,that I can still form thoughts.I think it is great that I can still reason.It makes it a bit harder when you know the truth.A terminal diagnosis once is a stress.I can tell you after about ten major terminal diagnosis that I had,that the emotional side of cancer or any other fatal illness in the real killer.
I live on the edge everyday.It takes me longer to try harder to keep going some days.I always fight to keep any thoughts about my position out of my head.I know I have to face facts,but in the end does it really matter how I handled it?What if I don't die with grace?How will I die?Will the lung cancer or the emphysema get me first.Will my cirrhosis of the liver finally stop functioning.Will I be put on a donors list for a kidney transplant.And,you know what folks,I have been told that before all this happens I will most likely have a major stroke or heart attack,because I have hardening of the arteries.How can one continue to keep up a positive attitude with that on their mind.That is why I choose not to worry.
On that note,I leave you with this Saint Patrick's Day Blessing that I came across.

I the end,there are only two things to worry about:
either you are well or you are sick.
When you are well,there is nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick,then there are two things to worry about'
either you get well or you die.
When you get well,there is nothing to worry about.
But when you die there are two things to worry about:
either you will go to heaven or you will go to hell.
When you go to heaven,there is nothing to worry about;
but when you go to hell,you will be so damn busy shaking hands with friends,
you won't have time to worry!
SO WHY WORRY!

So,Remember til next time

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

Just Another Brick in the Wall.

2010-07-13T13:02:00.003-05:00

Welcome.This blog is becoming like a horror story lately.Lung cancer,Heart Attacks,Emphysema,and a stroke were and are very terrifying.The last diagnosis of renal failure left me numb.They say I have lost one of my kidneys,and my other one is partially blocked off.That is all they say.I have not been given any medications or rules to follow.I am going through the same things as I was before they told me.I am dumbfounded at our system,that with all their resources,they can not find someone who will just tell me whats going on.I cant even get to see a doctor for three months.I live in Canada,and I thought we were doing well.I do have doctors,but our system is overloaded.
I am numb because every time I take a step forward,the doctors do another test and find out something else is wrong.Fine,Fine,Fine.I will have to deal with it.I do not know if I can anymore,but I am going to try.Believe me.
The doctors also told me that a stroke is evident at anytime.Wow!Try living with that one.Oh,and by the way it could also be a heart attack.Every time I try to fathom every thing out,I just try to turn my mind off.I did deal with the "Cirrhosis" of the liver.I have learned to live with the lung cancer and emphysema.I just don"t know if this anticipation of death all the time could be too healthy on the mind.
This is just another brick in the wall .I can only pray that I will start to take a brick away or so,until there is no wall.
I also found a great site for information on "Lung Cancer".You can visit there at
http://www.oncologystat.com/cancer-types/lung-cancer.html
Thank You all for stopping by.
so remember til next time

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

FATAL DIAGNOSIS:Not Dealing with Dying.

2010-06-27T11:17:00.004-05:00

Welcome.

Hello all.I have the test results back.

Not only am I dying,but I am dying soon.

I now have to ask myself the question.How do I feel about actually dying.

I'll tell you.

I am already dead in my mind.I cannot let it all sink in right now.I guess I just don"t want to accept it.

Yes ,Folks,my results from the kidney scan revealed that I have lost my right kidney and my left one is partially blocked.

My lung cancer is back with suspicious findings.My,Oh,My.

I have written before about how many times I have beat the odds on death.

I have also been truly blessed and have not been short of many miracles.

I have lived with emphysema,and have,so far,not had to use oxygen.I am a four and a half year survivor of lung cancer.I should have died in 2002,with cirrhosis of the liver.My liver regenerated,though I still have the disease.I should have been disfigured from "Bells Palsy",but only a minor facial affect.I have had a stroke and two heart attacks.I am here writing this now.

That was and is the past.The present holds for me the fact that my kidneys are failing.It is a matter of when,and mostly how.The doctors say that it will be a stoke or a heart attack most likely.

WOW!What a plateful I have now.

I am however known for my positive attitude on here and will try to remain so.

My name,Believe,is being put to the test.

I will try to keep a smile on my face,so....

Til next time remember

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

Diagnosis:Lung Cancer:Looking Back

2010-06-05T11:09:00.004-05:00

It was just over four years ago that I was diagnosed with lung cancer.Lately,I have been trying to recall what led up to that.
I remember the coughing.It was an uncontrollable cough.For five months I was treated for pneumonia with antibiotics.I finally realised that this was more serious,and my doctor had a CT scan done in January 06.They removed a two inch tumor from the lobe of my right lung two weeks later.I had stage 1 lung cancer of the lung.
My operation was very invasive,leaving me alive,but with a twelve inch scar,and a part of my body missing.
There was no choice,and no other option.It was the right decision.I would not be here had they not caught it on time.I also credit good communication with my doctors for the quickness in which they reacted.
I wasn't in any real pain,before they found the cancer.I guess when I look at photos from then though,I see that I was haggard looking,and very tired.
Now ,all this time later,I actually feel worse than before.My emphysema has ,of course worsened since the operation.The doctor has found what looks like a return of something on my lung again.He has ordered more tests.He doesn't think my odds are very good for going under for surgery,so he is speaking about chemo or radiation.
That is so scary for me.I think I will put up with the pain and do a lot of praying,because I hear chemo is not so fun.Maybe I should call Dr.Krevokian.Just kidding.I will do what ever the doctors say,to keep on living.I am just being given some challenges now,and I have faced many before.I will be alright,and maybe even learn along the way.
All my bad worries and fears are in the future.It is the very near future, but today,I will enjoy what I have ,now.
I have been writing on here for over four years.I know there are those of you who follow my story,but I am attracting new readers who probably do not know what I am talking about in my posts.I will talk more about the physical effects of the lung cancer,and most of all the toll it takes on so many folks involved.I want to go back and let you newbies maybe release some of your fears after a diagnosis,or at least understand some of your options
I hope I can help,someway.

So remember til next time

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

Mine is;To Do or Die

2010-05-20T11:15:00.003-05:00

Hello Everyone.
I am now starting to accept all the trials I have in front of me.I suppose the not dealing with everything finally has caught up to me.
I found out ,after waiting in fear for four months,that the MRA test I am having on May 25th is Not the operation on the kidneys.I was under the assumption that they were going to put a stent in my renal artery that day.It turns out this is the test to focus on the renal area and determine whether or not to operate.The previous test revealed renal stenosis,enlarged bile duct,and the damaged liver.When they finally make the diagnosis,it will be the time to run and hide or face it.
If I run ,I face kidney failure,or at least having to go on a dialysis machine for the rest of my life.If I have the stent put in the renal artery,I risk complications of infection,that could be fatal.I suppose I am dead if I do and dead if I don't.What a decision,that really is up to me.I hope my doctors will choose the right way,but it is going to ultimately be my decision,isn't it?I will play that hand,when it is dealt.
Further tests with regard to my lung cancer are being planned.I see a doctor for my emphysema soon as well.They are saying I will be going on oxygen,but I still am breathing,and that is good enough for me.I know I can't do too much without getting breathless,but I really don't have too much to do physically anyway. The heat kind of gets me down on some days,but the air conditioning works too.
Yes,that's me.I sure do like side stepping the truth lately.My positive attitude has needed to kick in a lot more of late,but it works.
I think of how fortunate I am.My pain is bearable,I am still living a normal life.I am able to get around without an oxygen tank.
When I was stricken with "Bell's Palsy" in 2000,I suffered a slight defect in the nerves of my upper lip.I have heard of so many others that suffered far more severe effects.My stroke this year has left a few effects on me,but again,not as severe as some and not fatal,like so many strokes are.My lung cancer is still at stage 1.It has been four years.How wonderful is that!
You see,If you see things on the possitive ,it can lift your spirits a lot.

Remember,til next time

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

Lungs in Limbo

2010-05-08T11:09:00.004-05:00

Welcome;
Oncologist for my lungs was seen last week.The lung cancer has shown up again on the chest x-ray.That fear I have had every 4-6 months has come true.The situation now is to have further tests ,as he doesn't trust just the chest one.He wants a CT scan,which will distinguish the difference of a tumor or no tumor.He thinks that the emphysema is very bad and that I have a scar from recent pneumonia,so there is still some hope on that.On either of those possibilities it is hard for me to know which one I Hope it is.I have been definitely left in limbo.
My breathing seems to be getting worse now.I try to blame it on old age,but I am not that hold.I already have to face the fact that I smoked for 40+ years and caused most of this.Lungs are sure important,and I guess we take them for granted some time.I can't repair my lungs,but I still might be able to save my life.My doctor will probably preform another "lobectomy",a removal of the lobe of the lung.He has warned me that I will be on oxygen after the operation.If I make the operation.I am considered high risk for surgery at this point,so he might go the chemotherapy route.Of course,I am just thinking out loud now,cause I won't really know anything for a while,as we all know,the system is backed up.
I am also in a kidney limbo as well.They have me booked for an MRA on May 25th.That is a Renal Angioplasty, that is invasive surgery.I am so petrified .I have read and heard from my doctors that there are risks and lots of complications.They say I have "Renal Stenosis",that is narrowing of the renal artery that leads to the kidney.They do this so my blood pressure quits getting so high and has a chance to cause another heart attack or stroke,and because if the artery gets shut off,I will die of kidney failure.Here is my dilemma.I am not in any pain,so I do not want to go.I feel that when I am hurting they can do that then.What do you think?What would you do?
This might be a case of the risks out weighing the benefits.
My idea of handling all this stuff on my plate right now,is to go sit outside,listen to the birds as they mate and nest,and forget about things for awhile.
Thanks again for listening.

We have lost another cancer friend,Marilynn,from the website
http://strongerthancancer.blogspot.com/
There are some beautiful writings there to read on the blog.My heart goes out to the family.
I would also like to Thank You Karen and everybody that contributes for the wonderful informational site at
http://www.copdandsomuchmore.com/
I have learned a lot about my COPD from the wonderful stories and facts that you share.
Remember til next time

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

Facing the Truth

2010-04-17T10:15:00.002-05:00

The time has come folks.They are unveiling the hidden object.I want to look away in Case it is hideous,I want to look just so I know.
The test results are in.Actually,it is many test results.My kidneys are failing,the ct scan revealed a stroke or possible tumors on my brain,and the EKG for the heart shows I have had a heart attack in the past and that with everything else,including the lung cancer and hypertension,I am certainly on the"its going to happen again list".
This is really mind boggling.
Sure,as some of you have noted,I have a positive attitude.I have also NOT been in severe pain,nor have I had to go through chemotherapy.I am just in the waiting game stage.
This last month has me getting a little worried.I think I am starting to fear the worse.Maybe if I think of all the bad things that could happen,I might be able to be more realistic of the truth.
I have some options medically.I am not a doctor,but I have the internet to review some procedures that will be required,and I can only trust that I make the right decisions.
When the oncologist found my lung cancer,in minutes I was being booked for surgery.I had No choice.I made the right decision.
Yes,I am strong,and have a bit of capability on dealing with a lot.I am also guilty of not dealing with it at all.
I am going to have to grow up and face the facts.
I hope my positive attitude is not lost in the truth,and that I keep an open and trusting mind.
Thank You for all your letters and comments.It is through knowing there are others that are going through this cancer and all the other problems,that makes me feel like I am not alone.

So remember til next time

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

FROZEN ASSETS

2010-04-03T14:33:00.005-05:00

Welcome.
I apologize for the delay in my posts.
I have been around and back in my mind and my body of late.
I had been left with so many questions last time I wrote.I am now facing the answers.
I saw my cardiac specialist yesterday,to be told that I will most likely have a heart attack or else my kidneys are going to fail.Well!Try to absorb that diagnosis.Personally,I do not think I have allowed it to sink in yet.
I was okay with the waiting for all the results,now,much better than knowing.
They have also found other things like "Gout"I do not even know what that is,but I do not seem to have any symptoms.
This news is still so fresh to me.I want to put off any decisions about the options I was given until I see my Lung Cancer doctor on May 5th.I guess that sounds like an excuse?
I was accepted at a place of employment where I had been trying to get into for three years.I am on call for a position there.I suppose now that my plans are on hold.That saddens me,as I actually thought that working again would help me to keep looking forward to the next day.
I had planned a trip for the first time in 40 years,and maybe the last time.I will have to cancel my plans on that as well,I guess.
So much about living every day in the moment,cause sometimes the moments aren't so pleasant.
I am whining again.
I do have a happy bit of news to share.I have been given a chihuahua puppy that helps keep my mind on her instead of myself all the time.She needs me,so instead of me receiving all the time I can give too.
Lung Cancer,Emphysema,Heart attack,stroke,kidney disease,gout, and now high cholesterol to boot.
I am still breathing,so there is still a chance.L.O.L.
I have so much I want to do,but I suppose there will be a bit of delay.I guess I have "Frozen Assets".

Til next time remember

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

Happy Birthday to Me

2010-03-14T12:31:00.002-05:00

I am so happy to be here for my 59th birthday on March 17th,St.Patrick's Day.
The lung cancer diagnosis,prior to my birthday in February 2006,was definitely not a time to expect even another one year.
Am I wiser?I think I have become more conscious of my life.I feel more control in my decisions.My priorities have changed.I now look before I leap.Yes,I think I am wiser.
I am also a Little more afraid.The reality of all of my problems sink in more everyday.
My latest diagnosis of possible renal failure and kidney disease has got me down a bit.
The lung cancer,emphysema,cirrhosis,heart attack and stroke and now this has kept me awake a few nights.
Sometimes I think that I will not worry til I have to.Sometimes I think I need to worry,or at least face some truths,so that I will be able to deal with all the consequences later.You really have to be realistic at this stage of the game also.
I still try to be positive.I know that doesn't change the way things are,but it gets me a better energy,and makes the days more pleasant.
At this moment,at this time,I am content and not in pain,for which I am thankful.
I will have my husband and sons with me on my day,and I will silently pray to God and Thank him for giving me four more years.

Til next time...Remember..

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe

Believe

2010-03-02T12:00:00.004-06:00

Welcome everyone.I have been a bit behind on my posts,as I have been awaiting test results from different doctors.
My brain scan revealed that I had a stroke.They can not say when I had it,but I definitely remember having it.I had such a bad headache and everything went blurry,and I vomited.I had that happen in May of 2009.I had had similar situations and with not feeling too bad for the next few days I did nothing about it.I finally arranged a scan for July and of course I waited til September for the results.I have a very short memory now,and I become a bit backwards in some things.I type funny sometimes and I can't remember words as well.I am very very lucky though as strokes can be fatal,and have many more lasting effects.I am blessed once again.
I also mentioned last post about waiting for the MRI results.I got the not so good news a few days ago.They suspect that I have "renal stenosis".They said that the artery in my kidney is pinched off and causing the high,uncontrolled blood pressure I have.They are doing another MRI to focus just on that area.They said that one of my kidneys had decreased in capacity.My God,What next.
I am still here though.I am trying to look forward to our spring and summer here.I will enjoy going for a walk when I can.
My breathing is still okay,but it takes very little to get out of breath lately.
I have an appointment in may to see the lung cancer doctor for my six month check up.It is my biggest worry.I figure my cancer with a bad heart and now bad kidneys isn't so good.I really do still "believe" though,that everything will be all right,but also sometimes I have to think of the reality of it all.I know where all this is going,and its not pretty,but for now,I can walk,talk,and breathe,and really,what more can I ask for?
I have the support of my husband and family,and all of you who continue to read my journeys and send me prayers and well wishes.I really" believe" that you have all helped me through this and will continue to do so.
Thank You.

DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Believe