the perils of introspection

go

2008-09-16T22:21:00.003+08:00

Lately I've been feeling like life has been going too quickly. Almost like being on a roller coaster that's going full speed on an endless decline. Or an neverending travellator (the former analogy makes it sound more exciting than it's meant to). I only notice this because each weekend seems to come so soon, which technically shouldn't be a bad thing. But it's only good for those two days of bliss, then just as quickly, it's back to the grind. Rinse and repeat. And it scares me because we have no control over how fast we age, how soon things come to an end, how quickly we have to decide where we should next place our foot down.

Shopaholics (Not-So) Anonymous

2008-07-29T10:01:00.004+08:00

Last night, I dreamt that the bar (off which one hangs clothes) in my wardrobe collapsed from the weight. Random. Maybe it's a sign... that I need a new closet.

Well OK, I have been shopping quite ridiculously. I've run out of hanging space and have simply been stashing my purchases, straight from the bag and still folded, into any available space inside my cupboards. So much so that sometimes I forget what I 'd bought just the week before, and get a pleasant surprise upon rummaging through the mess.
And the thing is I haven't even been going out specially to shop. It usually happens when I have some time to kill in between appointments, or if I don't quite feel like heading home right after work. What's more, I seem to have developed a mild obsession with shoes of late, and I almost always walk out from a shoe store with a new pair.

I might as well be wrapping my paychecks around my feet.

Can't Believe How Strange It Is To Be Anything At All

2008-07-21T15:33:00.004+08:00

What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen
In a blink of an eye and be gone from me
Soft and sweet
Let me hold it close and keep it here with me

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me

In The Aeroplane Over The Sea - Neutral Milk Hotel

Seeing Stars

2008-07-20T15:44:00.003+08:00

Getting peeks at the newest designer collections and surfing through random fashion/street style blogs and websites has made me a conducive environment for the shopping bug to thrive.

I need more closet space. Or maybe I just need to shop less. But how fun is that?

I think I almost blacked out last night while I was out. My vision suddenly became patchy and blurry. It was fucking scary. I've only ever blacked out once in my life and that lasted only a few seconds. I don't know what happened. Could've been the fact that it's that time of the month. Or that I was on painkillers and had one can of beer (although the package didn't say anything about not mixing with alcohol). Maybe it was because I'd only had one meal, at 5pm. Or that I was tired from drinking the night before. Maybe it was just a little bit of everything, like a little motley crew of bad things.

Curtain Call

2008-07-17T23:16:00.002+08:00

I stole you for 10 seconds to take this shot when you were still throwing the last few things into your bags and we were about to leave for the airport.

I miss those curtains. I miss your bed. I miss your room. I miss you.

Dress Woes

2008-07-17T17:02:00.002+08:00

One aspect I've always considered myself lucky in is that the jobs I take on don't require me to stick to a strict dress code of office wear. Five out of seven days fidgeting uncomfortably in a pencil skirt? I'd be pretty damn miserable.

People often say to me, "You�re so lucky, you can wear what you want." When I get told that on days where I couldn't be bothered to dress up in the morning, I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm looking a little sloppy or if they are genuinely envious of me being able to dress how I like. But that's just me being ridiculous. I'm thoroughly convinced that dress codes are a pain.

Funny thing is that even at my present job, some days I still feel a little restricted. I suppose a line needs to be drawn, but you know, some days you just want to put on bright pink stockings, chunky heels and walk out that door.

July Update

2008-07-16T11:01:00.002+08:00

So I'm feeling much better since my last post. (Thank god for the Internet.)

I felt so bad the first few days, even going to work seemed like torture. It made me think that maybe your overall happiness really determines how you feel in various aspects of your life. Maybe there isn't a perfect job, or a perfect life - just a perfect state of mind.

I don't have much to say today, but I wanted to have a more positive entry up. I feel inspired to do up this space a little, though I'm not quite sure exactly what just yet.

Hmmmm.

P/S: I'm currently listening to this a lot:

Listen/Download: Faust Arp - Radiohead

You

2008-07-03T20:11:00.004+08:00

The air seems to be different. As if it knows you're not here anymore.

Earlier, we sat side-by-side tucking into a mini feast we had bought ourselves in the airport canteen. "It's almost time to go," you said quietly. Your face was passive, betraying the sadness you told me you felt. Our eyes fixed on each other, I tried to lighten the mood by being silly: "How do you look in someone's eyes? Which eye do you look at?" You just smiled weakly.
We made our way up towards the departure hall, and as we waited for the lift, I pressed my nose against you, trying to take in your smell - the one I love so much. Your mom told us to take a photo before you were to go through the doors flanked by airport personnel. I put my arm around you, not knowing whether to smile - it would be a lie if I did. A tight hug and a kiss later, I found myself watching you walk away. No desperate clutching or crying like the picture I concocted in my head leading up to this moment. I tried to disassociate myself from what was happening, not wanting to cry in public and in front of your family.
I stared out the window in the car ride home, the buildings whizzed by and my mind was a blank. Upon reaching my front gate, I thanked your dad for the ride home and said my goodbyes to your family. I stopped in the living room to pick my cat up for a quick cuddle, and in an empty voice (and still-dry eyes), told my brothers that you had just left. Getting my usual mug of water from the kitchen, I wearily trudged my way up to my bedroom. I locked the door behind me, dropped my bag onto the floor, and flopped onto my bed. I picked up your T-shirts, the ones that couldn't fit into your luggage and still smell of you, pressed them to my face, and the tears started to flow.

February Stars

2008-06-23T00:09:00.007+08:00

'Tis the season for people to pack up and leave the country.

In a mere span of a few weeks, I'll be losing a boyfriend and two friends to the clutches of foreign countries. I feel the loneliness setting in.

Perhaps we've got it all wrong. Perhaps people don't hate change so much as change hates people. When life seems to be going well, Change comes into the picture and screws with things because well, maybe nothing in life should be easy. Maybe Change is like the Happiness Police.

I like the idea of living somewhere else too. But sometimes I think I've become too comfortable being here, that it's just simpler to leave things as they are instead of mixing it up. Right now, I'm fine where I am.

Someday, maybe someday.

.....

Hanging on
Here until I'm gone
Right where I belong
Just hanging on

Even though
I watched you come and go
How was I to know
You'd steal the show

One day I'll have enough to gamble
I'll wait to hear your final call
And bet it all

Hanging on
Here until I'm gone
Right where I belong
Just hanging on

Even though
Passed this time alone
Somewhere so unknown
It heals the soul

You ask for walls I'll build them higher
We'll lie in shadows of them all
I'd stand but they're much too tall
And I fall

February stars
Floating in the dark
Temporary scars
February stars

Listen/Download: February Stars - Foo Fighters

Counting Costs

2008-05-22T12:03:00.004+08:00

Over the weekend, I was clearing out my drawers at home, when I found a little card-sized notebook. In it, I had written down my daily expenses for a couple of months in 2006. A little smile formed as I scanned through the items, noticing a distinct pattern.

Almost every other day, I had a not-so-small amount dedicated to "Beer". I paused to reminisce about that time in my life, and then wondered what my expense records would look like now.

Well, for starters, I'd probably need a much bigger notebook.

Give Me The Words

2008-04-29T23:45:00.007+08:00

In a manner of speaking
I just want to say
That I could never forget the way
You told me everything
By saying nothing

Listen/Download: In a Manner of Speaking - Nouvelle Vague

***

These days, it�s almost impossible for me to sit through a trip in a car without getting mini panic attacks each time it looks as if the vehicle I�m in is a wee bit too close to one in the next lane. I don�t know, but I guess there�s something about falling off a motorcycle in the middle of the expressway that diminishes your confidence in road safety. Suddenly you become all too aware of the delicate balance between life and death; the fine line that can so easily be crossed with just a single careless mistake made in a split second. There was no one to be blamed that fateful evening in November. Somehow you already know this even as you feel yourself skidding across the tarmac, its angry roughness like teeth raking your skin.

Last night as I lay in bed, the memory of the accident came to me again. I thought about the exact moment where I realized something was wrong; the point where I thought about how I didn�t want to fall; the second where the ground filled my vision � and I realized that they were all part of the same blink of an eye.

These days, just the sound of bikes revving up makes my heart pound. I watch them fly down the roads without fear and I can�t help but wonder �For how much longer?�.

If You Could Rewind Your Time, Would You Change Your Life?

2008-04-23T23:12:00.003+08:00

Living life with many regrets isn't the best way to go, but most of the time, we do it anyway. There's always the one thing (or five, or twenty) that you wish you had said, that you hadn't said, hadn't done. I used to think that it would be great if life could be like one of those Choose-Your-Adventure books. Take the decent job with crap pay (turn to page 25) or Wait for the next offer (turn to page 32). Have one more Tequila shot (turn to page 73) or Go home sober (turn to page 82).

Then if you found that you didn't like where your choice took you, you could flip back to the beginning.

Of course, going deeper, there would just be too many flaws in the concept. I just wish we could do that for some things.

I love this song by the Stereophonics, because it says everything.

It's your time
It's your day
It's never too late
To change lanes
How's your life?
How's your place?
Was it where you wanted
Your head to lay?

But wait, you can breathe
You can see what I can see
Don't waste your time
You can't make back

If you could rewind your time
Would you change your life?

Do you like you?
Do you love your wife?
Or did you pick what
You're told was right?

Dream and be
What you feel
Don't you compromise
What you wanna be

'Cause change is okay
What's the point in staying the same
Regrets, forget what's dead and gone

If you could rewind your time
Would you change your life?

If Jesus rode in on a camel today
With your cross on his shoulder
Time to take you away
Have you done all you wanted?
Are you happy and warm?
Do you miss someone special
You don't see anymore?
Have you blood on your hands?
Do you dream of white sands?
Can you sleep well at night?
Have you done all you can?
The place I was born in
Stays crooked and straight
I see innocent blue eyes
Go blind everyday

Rewind your time
Would you change your life
Today?

Listen/Download: Rewind - Stereophonics

The Comeback

2008-04-21T15:11:00.006+08:00

Thank you, to all of you who left a comment on the previous entry. I can't believe that I have left this space to collect two months' worth of dust (and probably toxic mould spores), and that you guys have stuck around despite my very long absence.

The biggest difference between the "me" then and the one now is probably that I'm much happier with my job, seeing as I finally upped and left the last one. Although it was certainly a long time coming, it was a considerably tough decision, one that I had to make in a matter of about a day. I was unsure at first, about whether to make the jump. I hated my job most of the time, but I had to admit that I had gotten comfortable there. I had lots of doubts about the new job. Going into something new and getting used to another office seemed like an arduous task.

I handed in my resignation letter the following day.

My heart was pounding the entire morning, and I felt like I was going to throw up on my boss when I said, "Um, I have something for you." But after I did, I felt an immense weight lifted off of me. They wished me the best of luck behind those phony smiles I knew all too well, and I was finally done with it. Taking into account Chinese New Year and the leave that I had left over, I only had to work about 2 of my 4 weeks' notice.

It's been slightly over a month since I started here. And I'm doing what I love: writing. I feel like I'm almost waiting to see if my long-time aspiration turns out to be different from what I expected, and I'm afraid that I'll realize it doesn't give me the same satisfaction as doing it for fun.

But well, it's a pretty nice waiting room so far.

Hello

2008-04-18T22:44:00.000+08:00

Is there still anyone out here?

Just Up Ahead

2008-02-24T19:12:00.001+08:00

A new chapter beckons.

Colorblind

2008-02-10T23:16:00.000+08:00

[edit] I went to see another doctor today, simply because I was still being kept up by indigestion, and found out it's actually gastric flu. Sheesh. [/edit]

Having been out of action for the past two days due to a viral infection (so said the doctor who did little but ask me questions and prod my tummy tentatively), it was nice to finally get out of the house today.

As I sat in the backseat of the car, the scenery that filled my vision as we whizzed past were like a visual assault on my senses. I had spent most of the past two days in my pink bed, enclosed within the four walls of my pale blue and lavender bedroom. Suddenly, I was seeing emerald green, slate, sky blue, and everything else that the world is made of, filling my sight faster than I could process it.

I closed my eyes for a second as I felt myself getting dizzy. Then I opened them again and marvelled at how much I had missed in those two days.

Fugitive Motel

2008-01-22T00:20:00.000+08:00

I blow you a kiss
It should reach you tomorrow
It flies from the other side of the world
From my room in my fugitive motel
Somewhere in the dust bowl
It flies from the other side of the world

'I'm tired' I said
'You always look tired' she said
'I'm admired' I said
'You always look tired' she said
Not 'til I can read by the moon
Am I going anywhere
Not 'til I can read by the moon

If I could, I would just post all my entries in the form of Elbow lyrics.

Drive

2008-01-08T23:25:00.000+08:00

It's dark out, everything illuminated only by street lamps and headlights of passing cars. You sit in the backseat of a cab, having just left the office, drained - mentally, physically, and on some other plane you haven't yet named. Looking out through the window, it's decorated with raindrops, as if Mother Nature took it upon herself to paint a picture of your mood. As the cab cruises along the expressway, you almost wish it would collide with something else, just because you're sure it would feel better than sitting in that backseat at that moment.

Then you arrive at your destination (home sweet home). The taxi driver laments about the ERP charges nowadays, like he's sharing an inside joke with a friend, as he hands you your change and thanks you. As you're stepping out, he asks if you have got everything, and you say, "Yes, thank you". And suddenly you find yourself smiling (just a little), and you're glad that you don't always get what you wish for.

Hello, You

2008-01-01T23:57:00.000+08:00

Following the long period of silence on this space, I figured the new year, at least, deserves a post.

2007 was a year of many things, both good and bad. For one, I started at a new job. And I can't quite believe it's been close to 8 months since that first day. There are probably so many other things to mention, but my memory fails me. I suppose that pretty much alludes to all the drinking and partying I've been doing the past year (killed brain cells and all). I walked out on a concert before it was over (The Cure), and got used to calling someone my boyfriend. I also sat in an ambulance for the first time, something I hope I never have to go through again.

So anyhow, that's another year come and gone.

We bid it goodbye and invited the new year in with plenty of gusto. Here's a snippet that not at all begins to convey a fraction of how wonderful a night it was.

Blah

2007-12-16T23:58:00.000+08:00

Of late, I've been finding it extremely hard to feel motivated at work. The past few weeks had been pretty slow for me, hence there were many days where I found myself spending practically all my time surfing the Internet and trying to look busy.

Now, I've got real work, but no real drive. (The fact that it's holiday season doesn't help either.)

It's like I've lost my momentum. Sigh.

Shoe-per Trouper

2007-12-06T21:53:00.000+08:00

If clothes make the man, then surely shoes make the woman.

That has never rung truer for me than in the past few weeks. Because of an injured foot, I've been forced to wear open-toed sandals. And not just any type of open-toed sandals. I'm talking about those with a strap down the middle like toe floss. You know, a g-string but for feet? Yeah. Ew. They are the most unflattering things, unless you have legs that resemble skyscraping toothpicks. And I have to wear them.

It is true that shoes make or break an outfit. You could throw on a million-dollar dress and promptly ruin it with the wrong pair of shoes. Basically like wearing any outfit with Crocs. -shudder-

Nowadays, each time I walk into a shoe store, I imagine the staff to be a lot of feet elitist, looking down at my bandaged foot and thinking, "Why is she in here? She can't wear any of it anyway."

Ok, so I'm being paranoid, and it's not like that stops me from walking in either. But still, I look forward to being able to wear proper shoes again. When I can look in the mirror just before dashing out the door and think, "Perfect."

Til We Meet Again

2007-11-03T18:43:00.000+08:00

Slightly over two weeks ago, we stumbled upon a sweet little bugger in our house. Or perhaps I should say it stumbled upon us, seeing as it wandered in by the back and snuggled into my maid's bed.

That was the first time we saw it. A spitting image of the first stray cat we had a couple of years ago. I was beyond excited - could this really be the cat who we once loved and fed, and one day mysteriously disappeared?

Alas, we found that 'it' was actually a 'she', and the old cat was a boy so it couldn't be. I would've been disappointed, but my glee at finding her, so incredibly adorable, simply didn't allow for it.

As with all strays, she'd make the day her own, going off on her own adventures around the neighbourhood I'd imagine, and then coming back in the evenings for sustenance. However, because we have two other cats in the house (they didn't get along), there were all too many nights where with half a heart, I'd have to close the door while she looked at me longingly through the gate.

So this went on for abit.

Then, about a week later, we noticed her tummy was looking a little big. It continued to grow, slowly but surely, over the week, and we concluded that it couldn't be anything else but that she was pregnant. This nagged at me greatly. A stray, I could still bear to keep out. But a pregnant stray? What if she couldn't get enough to eat? What if she got hurt? This also reinforced the fact that we couldn't keep her. What did any of us know about taking care of new-born kittens?

We took her to the SPCA today. I filled in the form, and watched them take her through a door I couldn't see past. When they handed us back the pet taxi that we brought her in, it looked and felt so painfully empty. I only had the the comfort of knowing that she would probably be better off there than out on the streets.

One of the SPCA's policies is that when you turn an animal in to the shelter, they are not obliged to inform you about the outcome.

As we drove away, a barrage of questions ran through my mind. Would she be okay? Were her kittens healthy? Would she find a good home?

And the most dreaded, but inevitable thought was: Would she be put down?
I guess I may never have the chance to find out.

Bye sweetie, I hope we meet again. Somehow.

Pending

2007-10-31T23:20:00.000+08:00

And You're My Obsession, I Love You to the Bones

2007-10-25T12:45:00.000+08:00

This brilliant song has been on continuous play in my head and on my iTunes. My first encounter with it was the acoustic version, which I fell in love with immediately. This is the original, and is no less amazing.

Enjoy.

Silverchair - Ana's Song (Open Fire)

Hey Ho, Let's Go

2007-10-18T17:18:00.000+08:00

And we're off to Bangkok tomorrow!

Am pretty excited, although it's just a weekend trip. Well I suppose it's still better than nothing. I'm mostly looking forward to being somewhere else than here - god knows I need a break. The past few months have been positively hectic, though it's all slowed to practically a stop recently. On one hand I'm grateful for the break, while on the other I'm just absolutely bored outta my wits (a spike in Facebook activity bears testament to that).

Meanwhile I shall try to remain optimistic, and enjoy the trip instead of thinking about how I will have nothing to look forward to once it's over. (Oops. There, I said it.)

Be good, and have a terrific weekend, everyone.