And you’ve all seen me say something was “dropkicked through the goalposts of life.” Well, here’s what started it. Just listen to this and read me and Crownie’s chat. We were out our minds.

Luvvie: *dead* “Drop Kick me Jesus through the Goalposts of life”
Crownie: ;lkdsjflgsmfvlaeskrmealskvesr (Crownie’s hysterical laughter)
___________________________________________________________ (Crownie flatlines)
Luvvie: I request that people wear white usher gloves to my funegro. I aint gon make it!
Crownie: Laaaaawddd he is SERIOUS in his plea!
Luvvie: iQuit people and country music
Crownie: *shouts*. iQuit YOU for sending me thisssss. ooooh I cant! I’m in my apartment SCREAMING. drop kick me jesus through the goal posts of LIFE! yesss lawwdddd
Luvvie: i just KEELED again!
Crownie: LAWD I saved it to my favorites.
Luvvie: OMG I’m CRYING still! I’m soooo thru w/ homo sapiens. THROUGH! Do you hear me??
Crownie: I just grew 3 new abs. God works in mysterious ways. Where’s my inhaler?????
Luvvie: You best find it before Jesus drop kicks you in the lungs
Crownie: LAESLDKJFGLKSDJFG *DEAAAADDDDD*
Luvvie: hahahahaha
Crownie: two quits in one day….you are gone from me now….be blessed…
Luvvie: Nooooooooooooooo
Crownie: lmao.
Luvvie: *holds on to crownie’s ankles* You cant leave me! You cant LEAVE ME!!! do u hear me???? U aint goin NOWHERE!
Crownie: LOLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Luvvie: bwahaha aw man Jesus just drop kicked my ability to act right. Why is this song stuck in my head??
Crownie: LMAO I thought I was the only one. I just texted my mama “drop kick me jesussssss”. She said … WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD?!?!
Luvvie: hahahahahahaha yessss

5 hrs later

Luvvie: Thru the goalposts of life
Crownie: Yes lawd. Not to the left. Nor the right. RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE, JESUS. direct me lawwwdddd
Luvvie: But thru them yellow bars of the world!
Crownie: YESSSSSS! *shouts off good square toed church shoes*. stacy adams
Luvvie: Hahahahhahahahahahahaha *throws down church fedora and stilettos*
Crownie: lijaskjlfkadsjkkjnjugvgv I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT AND WILL NOT
Luvvie: Hahahaha
Crownie: I believe it’s just best if I quit you now before you say something that bursts my laughbox.

Luvvie: Hahahaha U done quit me thrice 2day. Thrice!

Crownie: omg omg omg omg omg you HAVE TO GET ON YOUR COMPUTER. ASAP ASAP
Luvvie: Lol oh nooo. Whatcha find?
Crownie: OOOOOOOOOH lawwdddd. I found somebody performing it. Jeeeeeeeesus it’s a lil ole country family!
Luvvie: Hahahahahahaha Oh nooooo
Crownie: oohwhee Jesus wept. lmao he sayssss “I got the will if YOU GOT THE TOOEEEE”. yess laawddd. My Jesus is a PUNTER. praise GAWD’T!
Luvvie: Bwahahahahaahah Not a punter!
Crownie: When Jesus kicks me I want the LAWD to say.. “IT’S GOOOOOOOOOOODDD!!!”
Luvvie: iQuit u. PLEASE GO!
Crownie: THIS IS IKE AND TINA….we got 5455645 days between here and a good nights right. you tryna leave me anna mae?!
Luvvie: Yes I am! talmbout “My Jesus is a punter.”

*watches 2nd drop kick me Rendition featuring White Church Choir* *dies again*

Crownie: a;lksjdlkfldkjsw
Luvvie: In honor of the superbowl??
Crownie: I died … rose 3 seconds later only to DIE again. I want black and gold balloons at my funegro.
Luvvie: I would like my epitaph to say “She came. She tried to live a good life, but promptly died after she was drop kicked by Jesus after watchin this video.”
Crownie: LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LMAOOOO
Luvvie: omg this day has been AWESOME. jus b/c of drop kick me Jesus

Moral of this story: My GChat is AWESOME!

Related posts:

1. Clinton’s a Sigma, Jesus is an Alpha (and Omega)
2. Dear Kat Stacks, You Are Failing At Life
3. MJ Tribute Gave Me LIFE
4. Jesus had haters. You have side-eye givers

Sidenote: Yes, there’s a place of higher learning called UTI: Universal Technical Institute. I don’t know about y’all but I’d rather not go to college at a place with the same acronym as a Love Pocket Problem. What school do you go to? UTI! I didn’t mean what problem you last saw your gyno for. I MEAN… O___O.” See? AWKWARD! But higher learning is higher learning. UTI’s better than JAIL. Yes. John Andrews Industrial Local Inc. Yes I made that up. I don’t know where I was going with this. Moving on…

So I decided to write a mini guide for our newest class of college freshmen. To the Class of 2014 (which includes my cousin who just started at Ball State University. Shoutout to you, Wonu), you’re welcome.

Do’s and Don’ts of Being a Successful College Freshie

* Do believe that the freshman 15 is real. Actually, I’ve seen more Freshman 20 and 30 than anything else. People have been known to start school in August, a size 6. By May, they’re teetering on size 14, talmbout “I think my clothes shrunk.” Ain’t no jeans gon shrink that much. Even B.U.M. Equipment won’t lose all stretch like that. Your clothes didn’t shrink. Your appetite should have though. That pizza in the lunchroom was made with grease and cheese. In that order. 1 slice, and walk away.

* Don’t become a slore (slut + whore). Like seriously. Don’t sleep with any and everything that walks just because you’re out your parents’ guidance. And you’re around 39,000 like-minded people. Only 10% of who are hot. But because of close proximity, everyone looks cute. Just don’t do it. Apart from the obvious that you’re supposed to treat your body like a temple, not the Undergrad library. AND the ridiculous EsTeeDee rates on campuses (it’s like a bubble where everyone shares everything. including cooties). You don’t want to be a slore because college can be HUGE but gossip makes it small. Everyone will find out about your business. You take ONE too many walks of shame and your sluttacious reputation will follow you for all four years. Even if you become a nun sophomore year. Everyone will still know you as “Nancy the Campus Tip Drill.” This is NOT a good way to start off your post-high school career.

Oh and that really cute frat boy upperclassman who told you that you were the cutest freshman? Odds are he’s told that to at least 50 others. Don’t do it. It’s not worth it.

* Go to class. Well, at least on test days and days they take attendance. Like for realsies. TAKE YOURSELF TO CLASS! Well, huge lectures can be skipped but discussions where they take attendance? Yeah, I’ma need you to go to those. We need you to make it to SOPHOMORE year. You skip all your classes and the school will kick you out because as #28478, they don’t need YOUR $40,000 that bad. Besides, if you want to sleep in all year, save yourself $40K, stay home and be a hobo. I’m not saying don’t skip classes, because it WILL happen. You just have to know which ones to skip.

I was the one in the 2nd row, asleep. I really did try to stay awake but lawd knows that sleep caught me after the second PowerPoint slide, usually. This is from PHDComics.com.

* Don’t spend your entire refund check at the mall. Everyone knows the refund check is like Christmas in September. It’s what happens when our financial aid award, grants, loans and scholarships adds up to more than your tuition. The school will send you a refund check of the difference. I’ve known people to get $3,000 refund checks. A SEMESTER! Add it up and you’re looking at $6,000 cold hard cash given to an 18-year old within 7 months of each other. This usually means DISASTER. Refund check time is when you see folks on campus STUNTING their new riches, which they blew at the mall. Everyone has on the latest digs. Coogi, IceBerg. The likes! Folks are excited because they gon slay hoes at homecoming. By end of October, they’re back to eating ramen noodles and tap water. DO NOT SPEND YOUR WHOLE REFUND CHECK AT THE MALL! Save some. For all that is good and holy SAVE YOUR MONEY!

* Don’t buy your textbooks at the campus bookstore. Rent from the library and keep checking it out. Or get it from half.com. My first semester, I spent $600 on books because I got them from the campus bookstore. When book buyback came around, I only made $67. I was PISSED! I must have kicked every trashcan in my dorm! Save yourselv money. Go buy it from half.com. You’re welcome.

* Don’t go to class rocking your Sunday best. Or Friday worst. This SCREAMS freshie because everyone else will be comfortable while you’re on the Quad in heels. At noon. On a Wednesday. Well… unless you go to an HBCU. Then you can be G’ed up at all times. Or so I heard. You may actually wanna rack up on PJs and sweats. You’ll find yourself rocking them to class more often than you thought.

* Don’t sign up for that credit card for a free shirt that says “College” or some free pizza. Your credit score will thank you later. How many people are STILL paying for that foolish credit card they got and spent recklessly? At 28. Your unpaid bills will follow you AFTER the four years. You can go buy that ugly tshirt for $15 on sale. SAVE YOURSELF and your credit score.

* Don’t get pregnant. College is a lot less fun with babies involved. They don’t let them into bars.

Me at the BEST. BARCRAWL. EVER.

* Don’t become an alcoholic. Alcohol will be everywhere. But do realize that you CAN have sober fun. Besides, you’re 18. You’re not supposed to be drinking anyway! But if you decide to, which I’m not condoning because I will not be an accessory to any crime. Luvvie ain’t tell you to drink so NO MA’AMs and SIRs. I’m just saying.  In fact, just put it in your head that my next couple of lines are for SENIORS. Kapish? Kapish. Learn to control your liquor and keep drunkenness indoors. Falling off the curb in the campus downtown will only get your bruises on your knees and bruised egos as people laugh at you. Oh and using alcohol as excuse for any sluttacious behavior (see above) will NOT keep you from being known as the campus slore. Govern yourself accordingly.

Sidenote: Shoutout to me for being one of the planners of the biggest Black barcrawl my campus had seen to date (at that point). It was the senior barcrawl, and it was so big that our college town was OUT of black tshirts since I ordered so many at once. Imagine 250 black people going from bar to bar in Campustown. WHILE rocking shirts that said “We’re sotally tober” on the back in glow in the dark letters. It. WAS. AWESOME!

Finally…

* Do have a blast! College was AWESOME for me. Work hard so you can play harder. Failing is what happens when you play hard and work a little. Keep the balance and you will be fine. Realize that these next four years will be your most taken-care of. Revel in it. Enjoy it. When it’s over, you’re gonna be saying “Dang. I miss college” a lot. Don’t shame your parents or yourself. Get in and get out in 4 years. Engineers, 5. Everyone else? FOUR!

I-L-L- . 20 mins after this pic was taken, we were sad. We lost that game to UNC. *wall slide*

This was only a short manual but what did I miss? Any other tips our college freshies NEED to know?

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1. Dear Morehouse, You get a side-eye

And yes, you can laugh. He survived without being hurt much.

AND BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *falls all the way out* This dude did the dougie in the streets and got hit by an Ice Cream truck. There’s so many things wrong with this.

First of all, the dude holding the camera needs not pull it so close to his face when his teeth need ultimate braces. Sir, please give us three feet. Thanks.

Then, the Dougieing fool. Somebody must have JUST taught him how to dougie, because homeboy is EAGER to show off them new moves of his. So eager that he wanted to take it to the streets. Literally. It is BROAD DAYLIGHT. Dude steps off the sidewalk, nods his head and walks backwards into the streets. Allow me to be Inspector Obvious when I say so this is a CONSCIOUS effort to dance in the middle of the streets at high noon!

Multiple cars pass by to serve as some sort of warning to this dude that the street he is currently dougieing on is fully functional. But no. No. This idiot does not take heed. Next thing,

HONK!
*puts arm out*
*MURKED*

Sir, what was the arm out gonna do? I just… HERE is where I fell out. That ice cream truck hit him so PROPER!!! And the dummy holding the camera talmbout “Oh sh*t.” NO sh*t! You watched the dummy go play in traffic. You ain’t say nothing before, so you’re an accessory to the dummy for aiding and abeding the complete foolishness. <– my lawyer friends will be proud of what I did there.

The power of the dougie may be strong, but it cannot protect you from moving vehicles. People, take heed. .

Moral of the Story: Well there are many.
* Doing the dougie can be dangerous
* Friends don’t let friends do the dougie (or any other dance) in the streets (especially not in broad daylight)
* If he had a Sassy Gay Friend, this could have been avoided. Everyone needs a Sassy Gay Friend to tell them “Look at your life! Look at your choices!”

—–

Luv Bulletin: Today is the LAST DAY to vote for me in the Black Weblog Awards. I’m tryna win Best Humor Blog for the 2nd year in a row. Help a ratchet blogger out. VOTE or DIE Nothing Happens.

No related posts.

Swoop bang game PROPER!

On August 25, 2001, I was heading into my senior year of high school. I was on the phone talking to my best friend at the time. Roasting, ranting… doing what I do now. Except with no audience. Somehow, we talked unto the wee hours of the morning. Right before we were about to hang up, breaking news comes on MTV. It said the small plane carrying Aaliyah and her crew back from the Bahamas had crashed.

LAWDDD!!! Did I bust out a *WALL SLIDE*! I didn’t even have a name for it then but that’s what it was. I was sooo shocked because she was super young. She had so much ahead of her. The fact that 9 years after her passing, we still acknowledge her at this level means something. So I give you:

5 Reasons Why We Still Love Aaliyah

#AllTommyHilfigerEverything

5. She made dressing like a boy cute. I, too,wanted to rock Tommy Hilfiger boxers that showed over my super baggy jeans. I think Aaliyah may have actually kicked off my LOVE of Tommy stuff. That’s a post for another day. But in high school, I ODed on Tommy Hilfiger merchandise. I thought Aaliyah was the coolest! And since she rocked it, I did too. And her baggy jackets with nothing but a sports bra under? COOLEST. CHICK. EVER. She made Tomboy the new Black. And since I was already a tomboy, she was my fashion icon. *girl crush swoon*

4. She made the swoop bang the black “Rachel.” You know how Jennifer Aniston made the “Rachel” from Friends haircut popular for white women? Well Aaliyah did that to the swoop bang. She made sure her hair was gingerly placed over her right eye like so. Shoutout to everyone who thought she had a lazy eye. She was just saying she only needed ONE eye to look at y’all with. You can be mad if you want to be. (-__-)

And I’d like to add that her hair was ALWAYS on point, whether she had weave, tracks or whatnot. She never offended my sensibilities with her hairhat. It. STAYED. ON. POINT. Take notes, folks. Take copious notes.

3. She was adorabo. I mean, her nickname was “babygirl.” And it did give her some innocence. Even after we found out about the marriage to one Pied Piper of Pee, Robert Kelly, we went “Well that girl ain’t know nothing.” And she didn’t. Nowadays, artists are hypersexual. Aaliyah thrust her pelvis at you and you didn’t see her love pocket. You just saw a dance move that involved hips. Now we live in the era of onesies. But Aaliyah was sooo beautiful. Yet without much implication of slutbucketness. She was a pretty good medium.

2. She could dance. And sing. WELL. *looks at Ciara* (-__-). I’m just saying. Babygirl was a well-rounded performer. She could dance her butt off. It was like all her parts moved exclusively from each other but together (if that makes sense). She could make her waist move with nothing else. Chick could DANCE. But she could also sing. Her voice was soft and she could carry a note in a shot glass. Unlike some of today’s artists who have the voice for muting *looks at Rihanna*. The fact that I’m impressed with the ability to sing AND dance just lets you know how low my expectations have gotten. But Aaliyah had that complete package.

1. Her music was great and is still worth listening to. On top of all of that, Aaliyah’s music was classic in many ways. A lot of her songs still make me dance and sing (albeit slightly off key). She comes on in my iPod and odds are, I won’t skip them. Well-written and produced songs (shoutout to Timbaland) like hers are to be appreciated. Plus, some of her songs take me back to old memories. Like…

I think my FAVORITE Aaliyah song is “Are you that somebody?” I used to get SO excited when it come on The Box (remember that?). And it also reminds me of freshman or sophomore year of high school. It was homecoming time and we were on the bus headed to the football game. Well, halfway there, me and my Ace Kiarri started singing it and doing the dance. Before long, the whole bus joined in for the ratchetness. We got to the stadium and even did the routines in the bleachers. YESSS! Good times.

My 5 favorite Aaliyah songs

* Are you that somebody?

* We Need a Resolution

* One In a Million

* 4 Page Letter

* Rock the Boat

What are yours?

Aaliyah died when she was 22. I cannot imagine the plans she had for herself. She was peaking and there wasn’t a fall anytime soon. I always wonder how far she would have gone had her time not been cut short. How big would she be? Where would she fit into today’s music scene? Which artists would probably be known wayyy less because she slayed ‘em with her existence? It makes me stroke my chin. Would Aaliyah had worn onesies in every video? Would her lacefront make puppies cry? THESE are important questions. I won’t ever get an answer but I shall ponder them anyway. What do y’all think?

WE MISS YOU, BABYGIRL! RIP Aaliyah Haughton!

P.S. Shoutout to my twitfam for telling me reasons they thought Aaliyah rocked socks. So hat tips to: @BrownBlaze, @LilOne07 @TishyGirl @berberry_14 @brokenbrownegg @iWriteMusic @Deejai @MicheMo. <— You da bess!

P.P.S. I was watching the “Miss You” video tribute that various artists did for Aaliyah and I may or may not have gotten misty-eyed from it. #ThugTears

If you haven’t received my posts in your RSS Readers this past week, subscribe again!

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Complete parenting FAIL!

Whose ridiculous ass mama is this? At first, I went “Why is she trying to plug that baby’s toes into the socket? Isn’t that dangerous???” Then I went “Wait. Wait. She’s teaching the baby how to pole dance!” Then I fainted.

This is why some folks need to be given some type of common sense assessment before being allowed to procreate. This woman has dressed her little innocent princess in hot pink lingerie, complete with her baby Buddha belly out and FISHNETS!!! Where does one get fishnet stockings for babies? I don’t even wanna know. That’s information I’ll never use.

The baby looks like she hasn’t even turned one yet, but they’re already putting her on a pole. This CANNOT be life! I can’t even blame that little innocent one. It’s not her fault that the tourguide God gave her has about as much sense as a prophylactic with a hole in it. Poor little munchkin. They’re not even tryna make sure she has goals when she grows up. FOR SHAME!!!

This is just… iCAN’T. And iWon’t. Goodbye.

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Ok so my FIRST giveaway was for “The Broke Diaries” by Angela Nissel. The winner was chosen randomly, and is “Delight.” I need whoever that was to email me their information.

2. I was alerted that I put August 26th as the deadline I gave folks to upload their *wall slide* vidjos. I shall honor that. Y’all got until THIS Thursday at 11:50pm CST to upload videos. And send me links. The winner wins a free *wall slide* t-shirt. AND I’m throwing in a FREE JEANS certificate for the Gap. So you getchu a full outfit. Whoever wins.

c. As y’all know, my blog is up for “Best Humor Blog” in the Black Weblog Awards. ONCE AGAIN! I won last year, and I’m tryna make it a two-peat. With your help, I can at least ATTEMPT! Lawd knows that competition is FIERCE. But if you haven’t voted already, please vote for me. And if I win, I shall bless y’all with my version of the video below.

Can you imagine me doing that foolishness? LAWDDD…

This post I wrote has other blogs you can throw into the ring while you’re voting too. They all rock socks.

IV. Remember how I said I was aiming for #AllBlogConferenceEverything? Well the MECCA of social media/geek conferences is SXSW. And , I pitched a panel called “Die Laughing So Your Brand Can Live.” Well, it made it to round 2 (WOO HOOOO), where folks have to vote by giving it a thumbs up or thumbs down. If my panel gets enough votes, it brings me that much closer to speaking at EPIC SXSW 2011. Help a sista out. If you want to leave comments, that’d be awesome too. Oh I’m asking for too much? Aight then.

Also check out Adria Richard’s post here for other dope panels to vote for. More color is needed at these tech conferences, and these are some quality topics!

5g. My blogroll is currently being rebuilt. A little accident over a week ago deleted it. Don’t ask. I’m looking at blogs I may include in it again. So throw your hat in the ring and leave a comment with your blog link. And why you rock. I’m always looking for new blog reads anyway.

I feel like the Little Engine that Could. And I want to say “I did.”

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Dear Laurence Fishburne,

Hey Larry hey. How are you doing? I’m sure you’ve been better. So as the whole world now knows, your daughter likes to squirt on command have lots of sex for money. As a father, one of your jobs is to keep your daughter off the pole and out “the flicks.” And this didn’t happen. And I’m not sure I blame you. Why? Because you seemed to be a stable and good father to her. She just went wayward and I can’t imagine how you feel.

We ain't e'en gon talk about the fool she's chosen to affiliate herself with. What I heard was *whispers scandalous gossip here* *walks away whistling* But you ain't heard that from me.

First of all, the interview she did in Subway (O___o) where she said she is now in the adult entertainment industry came out on YouTube on your 49th birthday. If that isn’t a proverbial kick in the nuts, I’m not sure what is. “Happy birthday, Dad! My gift to you and the world is Pr0n!” I’m sure your birthday cake tasted less sweet on that day. Sheesh!

Word on the street is that you told her “You used your last name. No one uses their real name in porn.” My first reaction to that was to say “TREATED!!!” And you’re correct. I mean, you are Morpheus. And Othello. And one of Shug Avery’s unnamed band members in “The Color Purple.” Your name comes with a certain level of respect. For Montana to INSIST on letting herself be known as a Fishburne is just another slap. She couldn’t have been like Montana Mayhem or something? Lawd knows that the pr0n name she did pick “Chippy D” is dumb as hell. It sounds like the name of the group Alvin, Simon & Theodore formed to get some “edge” once their voices stopped being so high. Girl BYE!

Oh wait. Where was I? Ah yes.

She’s decided to use your last name, thinking it’s her badge of honor when all it’s brought you is embarrassment. And she is slightly shocked by it.

Looking just like themselves! #AllLaurenceFaceEverything

One of the worst things about all of this? Montana looks like you with a wig on. She has your EXACT face. Like copy and paste. Given, even if she hadn’t used your last name, we would have figured it out when we were watching the movie and the voice of Morpheus kept slapping us in the face mysteriously. Sorry but there’s something that is disturbing about Montana looking so much like you. I never wanted to imagine you in a thong, Laurence. Now I do. And I’m traumatized.

Apparently, you finally decided to speak to Montana. And told her that “I’m not going to speak with you ’till you turn your life around.” Larry, I can’t say I blame you. It’s gotta be tough. Lord knows if I told my Nigerian family that I was going to be slanging my love pocket professionally, I’d be stripped of my name and told that I’ve shamed the ancestors. All you said was you weren’t going to talk to her. That’s fair.

Oh Laurence. I’m sure it’s hard for you to see the little girl you used to bounce on your knees to be bouncing on other men’s… not knees now. It’s a slap in the face to you as a parent. And a MAJOR embarrassment as a respected thespian.

Like Celie, Mr. Fishburne, you has my sympathies.

Yours in Woo Woo Woo (word to Kim Coles),

What would y’all do if your child went into pr0n?

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My readers are some of the funniest and wittiest people on the innerwebs (yes you are), and my comments STAY making me cackle. But y’all are also mightly ratchet. How do I know? Because of the way some of your found this blog. Google has been semi-kind to me, sending me traffic when people search. How do I know? Well, Google Analytics informed me as to the phrases people have searched and landed here. Some of these are:

Erykah Badu ass – It is indeed quite impressive.

Aretha Franklin breasts – What I say about Mama Re-Re’s mammaries?

ashanti’s sideburns – FOR REAL? I went there? *sigh* I mean, they ARE thick

Jesus had haters – He sho’ll did. The rest of us, on the other hand, O__o

camel toe’s ugly cousin – WTF?!? Whose paw print did I talk about? iCan’t with myself.

should grown men wear shorts – Yes, as long as they aren’t the ones that touch the ankles

antoine dodson fan club – iLOVE Antoine!

does sarah palin wear bumpits? - I BET SHE DOES!

nigerians make it rain in parties – We do. We made it rain before hip hop told folks to.

glover’s mane hair grease – An essential for any successful conk

All this tells me that I’m ratchet as hell because for any of these to result in folks finding Awesomelyluvvie.com is a complete mess. This can’t be my legacy. IS IT??? LAWDDD!!! That’s a mess. *WALL SLIDE*

So this leads to my next giveaway. Winner of this giveaway wins a copy of one of my FAVORITE books EVER! Angela Nissel’s “The Broke Diaries: The Completely True and Hilarious Misadventures of a Good Girl Gone Broke.” This book is part of the reason why this blog exists. She’s my she-ro. This book opened the doors to allow her to become a humor writer, which then led to her being a producer for my FAVORITE TV show “Scrubs.” “The Broke Diaries” is HILARIOUS beyond measure. So are y’all. I must share it.

To enter this giveaway:

* Subscribe to this blog

* Leave a comment with the name of the funniest book you’ve ever read. Leave your email address in the comment too.

* You have from now until 11:59pm CST on Wednesday (August 18th) to comment.

I’ll randomly pick a winner or have one of my girls do it. Winners will be announced here on Friday and then notified via email.

GETCHU A PIECE!

P.S. “The Broke Diaries” is actually sold out EVERYWHERE!!! I lost my copy some years back and wanted to get a new one. I had to DIG deep online to find new copies. So this is even more exclusive. Wow. I was *wall sliding* like OMG!! I need this book!

P.P.S. I hope you’re all recording your *WALL SLIDE* videos for my first giveaway! Remember you have until 11:59pm CST on Thursday to get it done and email me the link. Can’t wait to see them!

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*takes swig of Bailey’s*
*Sheneneh hip twurk*

Four years ago, I abandoned my Xanga blog to move to Blogspot. On August 8, 2006, I wrote the first post on “Luvvie’s Queendom” (LAME NAME!). That blog became “Luvvie’s Random Rants” and then evolved to the Chateau de Ratchetness that is now “Awesomely Luvvie.” 1 blogging platform move (Blogger to WordPress), 1 URL change, 4 years, 370 posts and thousands of comments later, here we are. Although I barely blogged the first 2 years. in fact, only 25 out of those 370 posts were before August 2008. So I was clearly playing bald-headed games those first 2 years!

Now that Awesomely Luvvie is now in Pre-Kindergarten, it has opinions and chooses its own outfits. It has a favorite Dr. Seuss book (“Cat in the Hat”) that it likes to read at night. And a favorite starburst color (the pink one). These four years have been the most rewarding of my life, and I have my blog to thank for a good amount of it.

And I must thank my readers too. Everyone who has read my writing, commented, retweeted it, forwarded it, emailed me with kind words. EVERYONE! You really do make blogging a blast and a half. To thank you folks, I’m having giveaways all week! 4 giveaways (1 for each year of my blog). I’m about to get my LuvPrah on. So this is the week to make sure you’ve subscribed. My giveaways are usually pretty time-sensitive so folks miss out on stuff. This is my alert though. EVERY day, is a different giveaway.

With that being said, the first one is one I’ve been holding on to for a while. I’m giving y’all 4 days to get this done though. And it is…

THE *WALL SLIDE* SPOTLIGHT!!!

*crowd goes wild*
*crowd stops and says “Wait WHAT?”

Well, as you all know. I’m overdramatic. And this is obvious in my love of *WALL SLIDING*. What is the *wall slide*? I can show you better than I can tell you. And I did.

A *wall slide* is what you do when things get frustrating, overwhelming or just too stressful for you. So naturally, I *WALL SLIDE* at everything, from the loss of an earring to my favorite TV show being cancelled (Bye “Scrubs” ).

So, I’d like my readers to create a video of THEIR version of the *wall slide*. You’ve seen me slide down the wall. Now it’s your turn! The rules are simple, and here they are:

* Create a video of you doing the *WALL SLIDE*. Either the front or the back version.

* The video needs to mention AwesomelyLuvvie.com (either verbally or in a caption).

* It needs to be uploaded somewhere online that is publicly accessible (like YouTube or Vimeo. For those who don’t have an account with either, you can upload the video on TinyPic.com I believe, without an account).

* It needs to be uploaded by 11:59pm on Thursday, August 26, 2010.

* After you upload it, email me the link (Luvvieblog at gmail dot com) of where the video is at and include your name and email address.

The winner of this contest wins a *WALL SLIDE* t-shirt from my Spreadshirt Shop in their size as well as public acclaim for their foolishness. I can create a guy’s *wall slide* tee too, so fellas, don’t feel left out. You can ALSO bust out your best slide.

So get to it, folks! Who’s entering? I hope more than 1 person.

P.S. Also, wishing AFROBELLA.com a HAPPY 4th birthday!!! That dope eCrib turned 4 on August 14th. LEO BLOGS STAND UP!

*crip walks all over your monitor in a party hat*

Related posts:

1. Awesomely LuvvLinks
2. The Random Things Folks Search to Find My Blog (and a Giveaway)
3. Celebrate GOOD TIMES for Obama!
4. Awesomely LuvvLinks
5. Announcements and Awesomeness

Proof that God loves us.

RED.

VELVET.

FRIED.

CHICKEN.

Yes, I must type that in all caps each time because it is just that astounding and awesome. My spirit is moved. My soul is uplifted.

I LOVE red velvet anything. Cupcakes, cheesecake, batter… You name it. And fried chicken makes the world go round. This is fact. Like really. The Earth’s axis are greased with fried chicken oil. That’s what makes it rotate so smoothly. Look it up.

So to COMBINE THEM??? Jesus hold my mule and my heart! Here’s the recipe as listed by the restaurant that came up with this delicious evil:

“At first glance, it’ll look like a heaping plate of leg, thigh and breast. But upon further inspection, you’ll see that the chicken has taken on a slight reddish hue. That’s because your precious fried bird has been pre-soaked in AC’s signature red velvet cake batter, then dredged in toasted, crumbled bits of red velvet cupcake before being dipped in a frying pan.”

So now I have some pertinent questions.

Is it served by unicorns on phoenix feathers? (I’m apt to believe it is. And comes with a side of eye of newt)

Are my taste buds going to do the WOP upon first taste or will they go into overdrive? (My taste buds are already doing the cabbage patch in anticipation.)

Why didn’t I think of this first? (I don’t use my creative juices for the right things.)

Will my arteries clog up upon first bite? (Probably.)

Is this the epitome of the diabeetus? (I’m sure of it.)

Do I even care? (I’m pretty sure I don’t.)

Why don’t they deliver cross-country? (They’re in California. I’m in Illinois.)

Whose chef hat do I have to steal to get some of this? (Maybe Chef Julius’. Although I’m sure he is NOT in support of this.)

I NEED SOME OF THIS RED VELVET FRIED CHICKEN!!!

Won’t you join me in a group *leyomi drop* session at the thought of this RED VELVET FRIED CHICKEN?

YEEESSSS! iLIVE!

My soul says yes. My arteries say no. What say you? Am I the only one looking at my screen really hard hoping to channel some magical scratch and sniff power of the interwebs?

Edit: So I called American Cupcake, the bakery that makes the RED VELVET FRIED CHICKEN. They’re located in San Francisco, CA. And I asked them if they deliver it cross country. They broke my heart and said no. Allow me to now go throw myself off a step stool unto soft carpet. HEART BROKEN! WHY WON’T THEY GIVE PEACE A CHANCE??? *wall slide*

I shall commence “Operation Get Some RED VELVET FRIED CHICKEN” and will not rest until I get some. Or until I get tired of trying. Who lives in San Francisco and wants to pick me up some, freeze and ship it? WHO I SAY?!?

Related posts:

1. Dearest Oprah (More free chicken?)
2. iCan’t with Popeye’s