Like every person living in America (and surrounding countries) I was attached to the News on September 11th.  I came home from school early and watched the News until there was no more news to watch.  I couldn’t sleep because I was concerned that I wouldn’t be informed of what was happening. What if something changed? What if there were more places that we effected?  I had to watch the News to know. So obsessively I watched the news.

Now, at 26, I watch the News every night.  If I am home I start watching the news at 4pm and it is on until 7pm.  It repeats the same stories, but I have to watch.  And then I watch again at 11.

I didn’t think there was anything odd about this.  And then I was direct messaging with someone yesterday after a “fun” little panic attack about Print dying triggered by a store of a young boy dying after a basketball practice. She simply asked “why are you watching the news?”  At first I was defensive….”it’s what I do…”

As I thought about it, the news really does evoke anxiety in me.  I often worry that Print will die.  I worry about a car accident or robbery.  I can see myself like the old A&E show obsessed and never leaving the house.

Yesterday, for the first time in a long time I didn’t watch the normal news shows I watch.  I only watched the 6-7pm news.  I plan on cutting the news almost out of my media diet in hopes to lessen my anxiety on a daily basis, but cold turkey doesn’t feel right.

I have been someone that has defined myself by what I know.  I watch and listen to the news almost constantly.  I follow journalists on twitter (which I will continue to do because I like to be informed) but I will swiftly cut back on the news i consume…why?  Because my mental health is a lot more important than what I know.

So, here goes….giving up my {not so healthy} addiction to the news….

Do you consume the news like me?  Or do you tend to stay away from it?

I have recently discovered a love for peace and quiet.

He’s not a baby that cries all the time and I have to escape the shrills of babydom, but I appreciate quiet.

My life seems so chaotic right now.  Jobs, baby, life, friends, keeping up the home after all said things….

I find myself in the car in complete silence.  And instead of being weird-ed out, I enjoy it. Every second of it.  Because I know it will be short lived.  I will get home or get to work and the noise will start again.

Do you enjoy silence?

If you guessed that everyone else is doing it right and I’m doing it wrong, you would win a prize.

People offer unsolicited advice as to how you should raise your child.  How you should feed your child. How you should dress your child. The diapers I should and shouldn’t use.  Where your child should sleep and what time your child should go to bed. How to make your child sleep longer and I can go on and on.

What I have also learned is that I will never give suggestions unless I am asked.  Each parent is making the best decisions they know how and also the best decisions for their family.  And each family is different.  Everyone has a different philosophy…and guess what?  That is totally ok.

As a new parent I remind myself that I am Print’s parent and making decisions based on that and based on my love for him.  And advice to a new parent…and all I will say unsolicited….listen to yourself.  If you like a philosophy then institute it and don’t let anyone’s opinion change your decision in parenting style.

ok…so that was my P rant.

Ornaments.  They are little balls of joy.  They each hold memories.  We have one for Print’s first Christmas.  We actually have several.  But that’s beside the point.

When I was growing up my parents would buy my brother and I an ornament each year.  I hated it when I was really young because I didn’t understand.  I was annoyed with a little ball of glass, plastic, a figurine or whatever instead of a new gameboy game.  I would have much rathered that.

But as I got older and was moved out and was facing my first Christmas I remembered that I had at least 19 ornaments.  They were all different and represented a different year of my life.  One year it was a softball glove and softball, another it was a santa…after I “found” God it was a cross.  But I know that my parents did it so when I had my first Christmas away from home I would have things on my tree.  And I am thankful for that. And now, though the box is small we have ornaments for our tree.  Ornaments that my parents bought me as well as ones I made while growing up.  My dad still buys me an ornament a year….this year was the Wicked Witch since I love The Wizard of Oz. :)

I plan on doing the same thing for Print and any other children we may have.  It ensures their first tree won’t be empty…though I am not even going to start thinking of a day that he won’t be spending Christmas with us. ;)

I am a working mom.  I get up each morning and leave my little one in the care of my husband, who I am so glad is good with him.  I go to work and work until 2 all the while thankful for Apple Hot Keys so I can quickly catch a glimpse of me and my little man as my desktop computer and jump back into work.

I am currently at work and this is my desktop… busy…

Seeing him throughout the day makes the blow of being a working mom a little easier.  It reminds me that I am doing this for him. So he can have clothes and new toys, which he is now becoming interested in!

Motherhood is different than expected.  I like it.  3 months in and I feel like I might be slipping into it.  I still have moments where I look at Chad and say “whoa, we have a kid.”  or I think to myself often… “wow, I’m a mom.”  Most days it makes me happy.  Some days it gives me a sinking pit in my stomach, but those are mostly the days when I watch the news and see the world Print will grow up in.  I try not to get overwhelmed at what we will have to teach him about and protect him from without being helicopter parents.

Seeing his picture is my reprieve for the busy days.  It calms me down a bit knowing that whatever happens in life I have a little man at home who smiles when I walk in. And right now, that’s all I really care about.  Getting home and stealing his shy smile.  And that is what motherhood is all about right now.

After he was born I had a really hard time with breastfeeding. I touched briefly on it when I shared about Exclusively Pumping, but it was a really hard thing for me.

Being sexually abused growing up I have always felt in the recesses of my mind that my body had betrayed me.  There were differing thoughts, feelings and emotions that surrounded my sexual abuse which left me confused and in a place where I hated my body.  At the end of my pregnancy I read A LOT on sexual abuse victims/survivors giving birth and how amazing it could be.  I had a hard time with labour being that it didn’t start on it’s own and was done solely through Pitocin and that I pushed for so long but couldn’t push him out without the help of a vacuum delivery. Yes, I am happy he is here and he is healthy, but there is this dark place that still lingers in my heart and mind.

My body once again betrayed me.  I had expected birth to be this beautiful and natural thing and that in itself would be redemptive for me.  It wasn’t.

Then we had the breastfeeding failure, which was more Print than me, but I can’t help but think that my body failed me again. I had envisioned breastfeeding Print and it being a beautiful thing between us.  My body would be giving life and that would be redemptive for me too.  But it didn’t work out.

So, not only did I have to deal with (and still do) with the normal mommy emotions, but also the deep, dark ones that still linger within me.

It’s an indescribable let down for me to know that I can’t have that relationship with Print.  I so wanted it.  It would be special.  It would have been how we bonded…I had it played this way in my head before he came.  So when it didn’t work I had to fight the feeling that I wasn’t bonding with him…I was. I was his mother, we still cuddle, snuggle and play.  But I so badly wanted that aspect of the relationship.

Let downs suck.  You have in your head this fancy idea all wrapped in a pretty bow and that is what you’re expecting.  And then something equally as beautiful shows up.  It is wonderful and amazing…but not what was expected. So you’re let down.  It is not to say that it isn’t still wonderful…it’s just different.

Different is ok, it just hurts sometimes.  Let down hurts some times.

this right here does not help my anxiety surrounding Print.  nope, not one bit.

Print Laughing

It keeps me connected with those I love.

It keeps me entertained when I am awake and can’t get to sleep.

It lets me see pictures and videos of Print when I am not with him.

It lets me take pictures and videos of Print so I can capture his childhood.

It keeps mine, my husbands and my bosses calendars in line and synced.

It is my alarm.

It is my camera.

It is my kitchen timer.

It is my notebook.

It is my lifeline.

I know that I could live without it, but I don’t really want to.

What is something you have that you could live without but don’t want to?