El Shaddai! That’s the name of the God that I need in my life, because sometimes it feels as if I need supernatural assistance - help that does not have to remain within the boundaries of time, space, and matter. Luckily my Dad is not a God bound by this earth or the circumstances in it. Jehovah is a God that sees brokenness and steps up to the plate to perform the miracles… to restore what’s been lost, to renew that which has grown old, and to move heaven and earth to redeem what’s been stolen. When this world says no, God says yes. When reality says never, God says not so fast. Been told lately that you were born that way? God says, “I know exactly how you were born because I made you - I can renew”. Been told lately that you will never… God says “I know the future and you will.” Have you been told that you can’t be healed? Ask the Great Physician - He still heals.

You see I believe that God is a God of impossibilities made possible. Fears turn to faith. Hopelessness turns to rays of hope. If we live in the realm of what we see, then we will miss the fantastic opportunities of the unseen. You see for many years I asked God to free me from sexual addiction and desires that were not His best for me. I had begun losing all hope and had even began to feel that He was wrong and that what I thought He promised in His Word was not for me. Then I met El Shaddai first hand. He met me right where I was, no condemnation, no shame, no demands to “change or else”. He offered me His supernatural love and His ever changing hope. Time stood still… hope restored… life rearranged… He did all that just for me. He can do it for you too, no matter your circumstance or your brokenness.

See, I thought about this type of root of control and I wasn’t quite sure how to handle this. I don’t claim to know everything there is about control, but I do know I like it, as much as you can like a pit bull that can turn on you any minute. I lived alone for many years between my first marriage and second marriage. The time I spent alone (except for having my beautiful daughter ever other weekend and on Wednesdays) was my time to be in complete control. If I wanted to cook, I could, if not I could eat out. If I wanted to clean, I could, if not I wouldn’t. I had my routine, everything fell into place. My daughter would come over in the morning, I would get her ready for school, we would eat breakfast, I would drop her off, go to work, then come home and begin my routine. Everything worked on a schedule.  I knew what to expect and so i never got hurt. Even a lot of those I hung around liked control and therefore we were their for one another as long as we worked into each other’s schedules and wants, and expectations. However, we could quickly redirect or reschedule should someone’s needs not fit into our control equation.

Love means not being in control. Now, I know I don’t fully understand this as of yet, but I am trying. Control is a fear response… if I can control how everything in my life goes, even down to those who are in and out of my life and how they respond then I am never disappointed. You see, I began to see that I was not able to handle disappointment. What disappointment you ask? Well, if someone did not respond to me in a way that made me feel good or acceptable. Additionally, if someone didn’t or wouldn’t do what I wanted them to do, then I would be disappointed. Sometimes, it is comes down to the “picture” you expect for life… if your picture is always the way you want it then you don’t have disappointment or hurt or fear that this will happen. If your picture is not the way you want it, then you begin to try and control the picture and those involved. Make sense?

The bottom line? Well, control prevents love. Control also dampens faith. You see, faith says I am trusting you God to provide, to plan, and to prosper. Control says that I must maneuver and manipulate the picture and others to do what I want them to do so that I won’t get hurt. Unfortunately, the control takes over and I become the god of my hour, day, future! Control also says that I will prevent you from hurting me or from disappointing me by ensuring that you are who I want you to be, not who our Father made you to be! That only tells those in your life that you are less than satisfied with who they are, but would rather them be something of your design. Sounds kind of sad right? I don’t like you the way you are, I want you to be something different otherwise I am disappointed and I am unable to love you. Sounds harsh, but that is a big message sent by controlling people… if you do this, that, and this then I love you; if not then you disappoint me and I feel less satisfied with you. See the underpinnings of perfectionism? It’s there. Be perfect, be my design, do what I want… then I can fully love you. That’s an uncomfortable message and it leads those around you to feel like they are not good enough or that they fall short just by being who God created them to be. Next time you want your loved ones to be who they aren’t remember that God made them exactly the way they are - He is the great Designer, the Almighty Artist, the Great Weaver of the Tapestry of who we are. I would much rather have His design in my life than anyone else’s. Love well, control less, and be who God intended!

I remember, in the midst of my sexual addiction and sin, slowly the fading began when I was a teenager, letting little things in one by one, inch by inch. A glimpse at an adult book, a magazine, taking these thoughts and storing them in my mind for use later. Thinking that I was not hurting anyone else but myself, not realizing that each look and thought was being used to build a stronghold in my heart that would destroy, cause such destruction in my life for some 20 years. Not realizing that what I was doing as a youth would cause untold damage to my parents, my relationships, and my children because of how it slowly changed me, obliterated my defenses, sabotaged my purity, took hostage my dreams and hopes, until there was nothing left. Teens, children, parents be careful of the little compromises, the subtle glances, the “just this one time” because they grow, they build, they connect until there is a cancer of impurity growing deep within your heart and desensitizing it until the slow crumble begins.  Once it has begun, it is hard to turn, but it can be done, but the destruction has vast consequences. In 1st Peter 5:8, Peter writes “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. We must be watchful, careful, and alert to the “slow fade” because it may not seem like it is capable of devouring you today, but as time goes, as it grows, as it takes ground little by little, you realize one day that it has taken over and taken more than you could ever have imagined. Be alert my brothers and sisters!

I think that the fear of failure is one of the biggies for men. I mean, even the word, fail-ure slides downhill, like your heading for something bad. We don’t read the instructions, we won’t ask for directions, we don’t dare ask for help to fix the garbage disposal. What is it about men and failure? Why is it that failure is so hard and admitting it can be even harder. For me, failure reminds me of the words my Dad used to tell me in frustration when he and I would be working on something together, “Never mind, I’ll do it.” It is like you don’t even get a second chance to succeed. You may have heard similar words from your father or someone significant in your life. Even as I am writing I am feeling that nervousness in the pit of my stomach reminding me that “you better do it right or he isn’t even going to give you the chance to do it at all.”

I think that is what makes most of us guys susceptible to the pride of “don’t ask don’t tell.” No, no I don’t mean it like that, I mean “I won’t ask for help then I won’t have to tell them that I don’t really know.” Have you ever just wanted to throw your hands up and acknowledge that you really don’t know something or that you don’t know how to do something. It’s okay, try it… Now doesn’t that feel better? Just because you acknowledge that you don’t know or that you failed at something does not mean that your a failure. I think however, that failure sends an all too familiar message about who we are and how we want others to perceive us. See in todays dog eat dog, rat race world, we aren’t supposed to fail or need help; we’re just supposed to know.

I admit I have a hard time with failure. I don’t want to fail, I want to succeed. I want you to think that I am good at what I do and look at me with awe and wonder. I want my wife to always think great things about me and remind me of how great I am in meeting her every need. However, many times I fail miserably and then I feel like that little boy running into the house, hurt and angry because my dad would not give me a second chance. I feel that way towards God sometimes… maybe you do to. I have failed again God, what do I do now. What? You want to give me a second chance? Third? Fourth? Fifth?

That is when I discovered the word “re-parenting”. God is a great parent and He loves to re-parent us. Oh, our earthly dads were just living out of what they were taught - “Do it right the first time, or don’t do it at all.” Wow, I can’t live by that - I don’t know how. But God says that when I am weak He is strong (2 Cor 12:10); He says come to me all of you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest (Matt 11:28) …even when you fail come to me and I will give you rest (that’s my paraphrase). I think that is exactly what He says, not to mention the other great things that He “sings” over me (Zeph 3:17), like He loves me (John 3:16), He honors my trying, He rescues me when I make a mess of things (2 Sam 22:20).

God is disappointed when I fail because He sees the potential that He has placed in me. When I mess up, hide my mistakes, fall into sin, say the wrong thing or make the wrong move, I believe that God is grieved because He offers me the right thing. It is just that sometimes I do the “don’t ask don’t tell” thing with Him as well. I don’t go to Him, I don’t ask Him for what is right or what will get me through, what instructions He has for me. I again, don’t want to acknowledge that I don’t know or that hey, again Lord, I’ve failed. He is a God that never holds our failures against us, but asks us to strive to the next success. He won’t let me stay in my failure, and He doesn’t want me to fail again, but He will help me to find Him and find His way which never leads to failure. So the next time you fail remember that God is the God of second chances, and thirds, and fourths…

Failing, trying, and succeeding,

Lee

“Lord! Why does she keep treating me this way?” or “God, Why do you let him talk to me that way?” Sound familiar? When the check does not come in or the air conditioner stops working, or the vacation doesn’t go as planned, I quickly look around me, see the clouds rolling in and then unfortunately, quickly turn my back on my Savior. That is probably the main reason that for so many years I trusted in “me” to help the weather not seem so bad… bad day at the office? porn was my quick fix; she doesn’t meet my needs the way she should? anonymous sex filled the bill. Bad weather in the forecast? Then I would find a way not to care, not to know, not to be aware through a repertoire of sins that I could choose from. All of them leading me away from the very source of my hope, my strength, my life and directing me to more pain, more shame, and yes… more bad weather.Why do we turn on God when times get tough?

Because He is supposed to be in control here right? He is the one that is supposed to change bad into good, darkness into light, despair into hope. The money’s not there, then it’s His fault; the husband won’t change, then its His doing; the car breaks down, then He is God almighty right? God is not a fair weather God because He is not only available when the sun is shining, He is always available. It is me that turns my back on Him when things don’t go my way. Like a kid in a candy store that stomps his feet and screams when he does not get the lollipop he wants, I go through life shaking my fist at God angry that He did not give me my own way. However, when I remember those times that He did give me my way and it turned out horribly, then I remember what it was truly like to get what I wanted.

Is God the God of your life no matter what? When good comes, is He God? When bad comes, is He God? When hope is gone, is He God? When life is not what you want, is He God? Life may change, the weather may change, you may change, but God does not change. He is unshakable, unchangeable, unmovable. I like that in a Dad… I like that in a God. Little gods of this world change; moods change, ideas change, trends change, but God does not change, His hope does not change, and His promises don’t change even when the sky is too cloudy for us to see them. How would it feel if your best friend stopped being your friend every time he thought you had let him down? How would it feel if your child went to live with the neighbors every time you didn’t fix pizza instead of chicken for dinner? It feels the same way to God…very conditional. My love for my Father in Heaven can be very conditional based upon how others are treating me. That grieves His heart and it should grieve mine because He never turns His back on me even when I mess up, take a wrong turn, or turn my back on him. His love is consistent, like the rays of sun behind the clouds. Does the sun stop shining just because there are rain clouds in the sky or snow flakes falling on the ground? No, and neither does God’s love stop just because the weather changes. So why should my love change. For a God that has brought me so far, He is a God that can continue bringing me, no matter the forecast, no matter the conditions. Lord may you help me live in that today and everyday whether rain or shine!

However, God still whispers in your ear that it is not His best for you and He has a better plan for you. It is a hard road, a road that will be paved with hurt and pain and having to dig deep into your heart to find the wounds, but it is a rewarding trip. A trip with your Heavenly Father who wants to remind you of His love and perfect plan for you. So, if you are up for it, He will take you to safety and show you a love like nothing you have ever experience. This love fulfills, it does not compare to the emptiness of anonymous sex, one-night stands, being used for your body, being included because of your sexuality, thinking you finally found someone who loves you perfectly and then finding out that he only wants your body. These things do satisfy for a moment, but not for long then you are out looking again for something more. God’s love is perfect, it does not change, it does not want, it only gives. Will you give it a chance?

1. Talk to someone who you feel will not judge your sin. Judgement does not help, grace does.
2. Try and find a counselor or pastor to talk with who has some experience in this area. I was told many times to “pray more” or “read your Bible more” and these are great things, but I needed someone who could understand my situation and give me the help I needed.
3. Get into an accountability group. This is a group of guys that you can tell about your struggle/addiction. You don’t have to tell them you have same-sex attraction right away. Test the group and see how you think they would handle it. For the first few times telling them you want accountability for masturbation, porn, sexually acting out are all okay and truthful.

This can be overcome however. It takes patience on both the part of the husband and the wife and it takes courage for both as well. Patience to be willing to wait as your husband explores his sexuality with a woman and begins to explore how he feels and how he is supposed to feel, and courage for both of you because… well, for you husband you are going to have to press into your wife and venture into sex with a female that may feel uncomfortable to you at times. This will take significant prayer and perseverance. Don’t down yourself if you fail at times or don’t attain what you think you should each time; you will! Wives, it will take courage on your part to overcome your feelings of being “undesirable” and acknowledge that this is your husband’s issue. However, your feelings are real and should be acknowledged. Also, you will need courage wives to not let your husband off the hook! Keep discussing with him the need to press into you and let him know what you need. Guys, this does not always feel good, in fact, at times it feels downright awful because you feel like a failure, but wives, keep talking about it and letting him know. Pray often and give grace as needed. God has a master plan for your sex life and for your marriage. Don’t let same-sex attraction or “homosexuality” get in the way of a potentially great relationship that will definitely take work!

Yes, it will take work and being stretched to places that you may have never been before, but remember, God did not make your husband gay, or same-sex attracted. God sees homosexuality as a sin and something that can be overcome, just like any other sin. Our society ranks sin, God does not. He sees your husband as the man of God that he is intended to be. It takes a commitment on both of your parts to remain faithful to the covenant of marriage and faithful to God. After all, God allowed you two to get married, He entered the covenant with you, He will help you overcome this sin. If you are committed and yet, your husband continues to cheat on you physically with other men, then that will have to be dealt with. Allow God to show you His will in that situation.

I can’t compete with another man… if it were another woman I might be able to at least fight for my husband!

This sin is not about sex with a man vs. sex with a woman. I know this sounds crazy, but it is really about purity in general. Your husband has hurts in his heart that cause him to be attracted to men sexually. He most likely missed the connection/bonding with a strong male figure in his life, like his dad, and now he seeks it sexually with other men. You don’t have to compete with that… your relationship with him is not meant to be about bonding with other men. So get out of the competition and try to focus upon purity for your husband in general. I have worked with men who struggle with sexual addiction, both homosexual and heterosexual, and there is only a small degree of separation between them. The goal is for your husband to have good relationships with God, men, and to hold you up as the help meet in your life… his wife. Seeking purity is the goal, then the other relationships will fall into place.