The Madaxeman Blog

Pregnant Women

2009-06-29T18:23:00.002+01:00

Ever noticed how pregnant women absent-mindedly stroke their "bumps" every now and then?

It's clearly some sort of subconscious reaction, which probably signifies that they are trying to establish a maternal bond with their as-yet unborn child... either that or they are subconsciously weighting up whether they could get away without going on a diet ever again.

Old people

2009-06-21T19:03:00.002+01:00

Where do old people buy trainers (sneakers?). Those shinky-clean white ones that look like little vinyl dogen cars strapped to their feet?

Whenecer I try and buy a pair of trainers to wear down the gym, I struggle to find any which are toned-down enough for me to wear to actually do sports - most seem to have day-glo stripes, wild laces, and odd splashes of colour all over them - never mind soles that look like they have been ripped out of the underside of a high-tech aircraft undercarriage.

But old people seem to be able to effortlessly find shoes that are so clearly devoid of any sort of sporting style or potential that it looks as if its been sucked out of them with a vacuum pump.

Maybe there is secret "Old Folks Sneaker Barn" somewhere that sells sports shoes for the nearly dead? It also must have the worlds supply of shell suits - as you can't even buy them anymore from a dodgy scouser dole-ite, except if you are old...

Listerine

2009-05-28T23:53:00.002+01:00

Listerine has on it's instructions the note

"do not swig from the bottle"

Now, if you've ever used a mouthwash, I'm guessing you swigged from the bottle. That's what you do. That's how it is used. By everyone.

Saying "do not swig from the bottle" is like Porsche selling cars with notices saying "do not drive fast or overtake in this product" It's like expecting an MP not to fiddle their expenses.

Why not just cut to the chase and have on the label "if this product doesn't work like we promised, well tough cheese as we had our fingers crossed behind our backs when we said it would make your breath smell better and your teeth last longer. Nah Nah Nah Naaaah stoopid!!!"

Swine Flu

2009-04-29T23:42:00.003+01:00

Isn't it strange that the World Health Organisations response to the threat of a Swine Flu epidemic was to call a conference of Health Ministers and Flu experts?

Because for me, bringing a group of people who work with flu sufferers in different hospitals all around the world, and then locking them in an air conditioned room for 2 days doesn't sound all that clever right now...

Somali Pirates

2009-04-13T13:53:00.004+01:00

Pirates are roaming the high seas again, stealing oil tankers on a daily basis.

The world response seems to fall into two categories. Either pay the ransom, or send in "special forces" to rescue the stolen vessels.

But neither of these are paticularly satisfactory, as one involves giving in to these pirate's demands, and the other involves risk to the lives of the crew of the stolen vessels.

I feel even the most cursory quick glimpse at the history books would throw up a third, far better option. Because, being Pirates, its obvious that if left alone for some time they will be looking to bury their loot on a desert island somewhere.

So rather than pay the ransom, just find the treasure - and dig it up later, once they have gone!

Its not even like you'd need to "find" a tattered old map at the bottom of a trunk that once belonged to your Great Uncle Silas to get directions to the island is it - as we are hardly talking about a chest of dubloons that can ne hidden beneath the third palm tree from the left?

No need even for deployment of satellite tracking technology - I'm sure even a brief glimpse at an atlas would throw up a very short list of the number of palm fringed beaches in the world where you could succesfully bury a whole oil tanker?

Today's Superhero's

2009-04-08T10:15:00.003+01:00

If Superman, Batman, or Spiderman were around in the real world today, imagine how difficult their lives would have become.

In the good old days, they'd swoop down from tall buildings and save the girl, biff the robbers stealing money from a bank, and foil the evil mastrermind's plot to take over the world.

But today to achieve the same results they'd probably have to plan and execute a nationwide media campaign warning young women of the health dangers of excessive alcohol consumption and exposure to the UV rays in sunlight, set up a truly effective and inclusive global banking oversight committee with a failsafe system of checks and balances which would not undermine the ability of such insititutions to attract top tier talent even though their bonus cultures would be being radically redrawn, and also reform the industrial manufacturing capacity of India, China, Russia and the US in a manner which greatly reduced carbon emissions without significantly putting up manufacturing costs or creating social unrest as a by-product of mass unemployment caused by the increased manufacturing efficiencies of bringing in new technologies.

And they'd have to try and get people to take them seriously whist doing all this wearing a lycra bodysuit.

The New Dyson Ball

2009-03-06T13:47:00.004Z

The new Dysaon Ball vacuum cleaner advert is available to see below:

Now, this is of course very clever sounding stuff.

However last time I looked, most (well, in fact all) the rooms in my house were pretty much "square". Straight walls. 90 degree corners.

In fact, I've just gone and checked, and there is not a single curved wall or floor -based surface in the whole place.

So why is it a problem if my vacuum cleaner goes in straight lines?

Of course, its impossible to criticize Mr Dyson, as he is already recognised as a bona-fide British Genius.

But you do have to ask what sort of genius really...

Manufacturing a bagless vacuum cleaner is one thing.

But making one that is only really suitable for Lighthouse Keepers, and then persuading the rest of us that we simply MUST have one in our homes as well - now, that takes REAL genius!

Whats the point of this offer ?

2009-03-04T17:25:00.002Z

Two for one on WD40 !!

Who needs TWO cans of WD40?

One can is enough to last a lifetime.

The only reason anyone owns two cans is because they lost one, needed to oil something, and then found the original can after they'd gone out and bought a new one.

Trying to sell two cans of WD40 as a special offer is like having a "buy one get one free" offer on artificial legs, but only redeemable against left legs.

Pay Toilets

2009-03-04T14:35:00.005Z

Last week at Londons Charing Cross station I decided it would be a good idea to "spend a penny" before getting on a train.

However the toilets at Charing Cross have a cost to enter - which had just been raised to 30 pence (up from 20 pence before apparently). So spending a peny would cost me 30p - not great value really, especially in these times of economic hardship...

So, with this in mind for 30p I decided that - with the benefit of a copy of the evening paper - I should spend a little more time there than planned (aka " laying down a dead otter", curling one off) and so get better value from my investment in entrance money.

This seemed to make perfect sense at the time, however in retrospect this did strike me as being a somewhat worrying brand of logic.

Because taken to it's ultimate extent it probably meant that there must be a toilet-based price point at which I may feel compelled to upgrade the return on my investment from merely "spending a penny" up to engaging in George Michael"-style toilet based activities.

hmmmm....

Muffins

2009-02-23T13:54:00.003Z

Whats with Muffins?

When I was a kid, we had "cakes". Some had icing on them, some didn't. Some had bits in them, some didn't. Some were big, some were small.

That's 8 possible variations of size, coverage of icing, and bits or no bits. None of those variations had any right to take preference over another, they were all equal and together in a big socialist world of cake-based edible things. Nowadays however, a "brand identity" has taken over part of this happy egalitarian cake paradise.

Big cakes, without icing, and with bits in them, have employed their own PR agent. They are no longer simply "big cakes without icing but with bits in them".

They are Muffins. And they are everywhere.

How did this happen? And Why?

Surely "small cakes with icing sugar on them" were once the most likley candidate to break away from the herd - the Cheryl Cole of the cake community's own "Girls Aloud", just waiting for some cute name - maybe even cemeting their de-facto ownership of the phrase "cup cakes" in the process? But no, "big cakes with bits in them but no icing" managed to steal a march on the crowd.

I however have a theory. It's to do with sheer doggedness and determination. And the proof is on the counter of the next (cheap) coffee shop you go to.

Next time you see a "muffin" thats comes in its own plastic bag, just check the sell-by date. I guarantee you'll be amazed - and horrified.

Long Life doesn't even begin to describe how long these evil cakes can apparently last. Often measured in years rather than months or days, Muffins have won the cake battle through the simple expedient of becoming the culinary equivalent of the cockroach - the only food type capable of surviving a nuclear war.

And with such longevity, they already have designs on greater victories, and more impressive conquests.

Just think. A manned trip to Mars would take 21 months to complete.

Which is well within the design parameters of most of todays leading edge Muffins.

Yes, this is what I'm saying.

I believe Muffins are even now hatching a plan to colonise the stars ...

Credit Crunch Logos

2009-01-30T10:39:00.003Z

I rarely re-post this stuff that comes in by email, but these amused me

Specasvers Edith Piaf Advert

2009-01-15T10:05:00.004Z

This is the latest advert from UK eyewear chain Specsavers. It uses the inherent English lack of understanding of foreign languages (in this case French) to make a joke that Edith Piaf is in fact singing the same words as appear in the sutitles.

The song title "Je ne regrette rien" ("I regret nothing") is however a sufficiently well known French phrase such that it would be understood and recognised by most viewers. The song therefore ties in well with Specsavers ongoing campaign slogan "You should have gone to Specsavers" - i.e. you will regret it if you choose another retailer.

All well and good. But for anyone who actually needs glasses, surely this advert will just appear as a short film of Edith Piaf singing in French, with some smudged and largely illegible words appearing below it?

Which is hardly going to help Specsavers very much at all is it?

Pretentious Signage

2009-01-06T16:33:00.003Z

As seen at Guernsey Airport Food Court (ie cafe).

I'm guessing the "Technical Fault" was that the toaster was broken....?

Dishwashers

2008-12-27T12:01:00.002Z

You know when you first et a dishwasher its exciting, and you actually look forward to opening it up and unloading all the nice clean shiny dishes that you no longer need to wash by hand..?

And then, eventually, the novelty wears off, and it becomes a real chore to unload the machine and put everything away...?

Well, I've just reached stage 3.

The other day I found myself wondering if it was possible to but mugs with totally flat bottoms (unlike the every-so-slightly concave ones I currently have) so they won't have collected ANY water at all when you open the machine after it stops its cycle.

ouch.

Motorway Service Stations

2008-12-23T15:57:00.003Z

How come only miserable ugly people stop at motorway service stations? I know stopping at one is a soul destroying experience in itslf, but you stop on the M1, M6, M5, M40 - any service station you choose looks like it's turfing out time from the Jeremy Kyle Show.

Do rich, good looking people simply not need to pee as often? Maybe they just pay someone (a butler maybe?) to hold an empty champagne bottle for them to pee into whilst they carry on driving?

Or maybe there is a totally separate network of secret service startions with nice food and clean toilets that only good looking rich people get to stop in.

Perhaps thats what Works Unit Only signs aually mean? It's a secret code, only understandable by the great and the good?

But Service Stations are one of the few places in Britain you can be guaranteed of hearing the local accent. Thats because they are so god-forsaken that even East European Economic Migrants don't want to take the jobs on offer.

Global News

2008-12-05T14:55:00.002Z

A man has been convicted of an indecent act with a horse on the island of Guernsey - a small semi-autonomous British dependency located off the coast of France.

With a population of just 50,000, local news on Guernsey is usually pretty, well, "local". However a trawl of Google News shows the story has been picked up by the local Guernsey press, a couple of UK newspapers - all of which you;d expect - but also Ghanaian TVs web news service, Australia's "Live News" website and a news website for Indians living in Thailand.

Given the connected, 24-hour multi-media globally ever present monster that is global TV and internet news and its voracious appetite for any sort of new content, it's simply mathematically unlikley that any story would be picked up and repeated by just 3 international networks.

And its even harder to see why this story has only been picked up by these particular three.

Isn't the internet a wonderful thing?

East European Waiting Staff

2008-11-10T22:50:00.004Z

Every waitress and waiter in London is not only East European, but the were training to be a Doctor in Eastern Europe before they came over to London.

Now, call me a cynic, but I can't quite see it.

Is there a specific lecture about 2 years into every Eastern European medical degree in which the lecturer accidentally slips in "...oh, and by the way, you could earn more as a waiter in London than you ever will as a Doctor in Eastern Europe..." at which point the entire class ups sticks and heads off to the nearest airport served by EasyJet, clutching a pair of black trousers and 2 clean white shirts?

The Ryder Cup

2008-09-24T17:08:00.004+01:00

This years Ryder Cup was played at Valhalla in Louisville, Kentucky.

Wouldn't it have been so much better if it was actually played at Valhalla, home of the Viking Gods and chosen destination for great war heroes slain in battle ?

"Padraig Harrington lofts his tee shot up high, high into the air here at the fifth. Its looking good, looking straight - but whats that? A big fat Norwegian bird with pigtails riding a flying horse has swooped down and plucked the ball out of the air and is carrying it away off the course!" That's a very unfortunate dropped shot for the Europeans on what could turn out to be a vital hole.. "

Smoothies

2008-09-20T18:24:00.003+01:00

Now, as a modern man, having a pureed fruit based drink isn't in itself a problem for me.

Ordering one says "I care about my health"

It says "I know the government guidelines and I am trying to have my 5 portions a day"

It says "I have the originality to order something that is not coffee or tea"

It says "I am not a slave to corporate global marketing and Ican choose not to buy overpriced branded soft drinks sweetened with excessive amounts of sugar"

However, there is still something that I struggle with.

When I get to the counter and survery the list of ingredients up on the board , its relatively easy to choose the one I actually want even though the choices are legion.

But often I end up ordering something I don't really want, just because it's the only one one onffer with a name I would be prepared to hear myself speak in public...

After all, who wants to ask for a "Peachy Smooch", or a "Summer Passion Burst" - or a "Creamey Delight" ??

How about "Hello, I'd like a Tropical Dream please" ? You may as well admit you also have a paid of George Michael white speedos in your back pocket ...

Even worse are those that try to be constructive. The type you get in those healthy shops where you can add blended grass to your drink, and all the customers fight over the copy of the Guardian on Saturday magazine. Why in the middle of such a place would you publicly admit you want to buy something called a "Go Faster Master" or a "Brain Booster" ??

If you ask for a Brain Booster as a take-away it's basically exactly like asking the shop assistant to short change you.... as you will be half way down the street by the time it kicks in and you realise.

Running The United Nations

2008-09-12T09:58:00.007+01:00

Once upon a time the UN was led by the wonderfully named Boutros Boutros Ghali.

More recently it was Khofi Anan. (thanks commentee)

Who presumably was just "Khofi An" before he realised that his suitability for the post would be enhanced by doubling up part of his name.

So, given this all seems quite obvious and easy, why did anyone bother with a petition on the Downing Street website to make Jeremy Clarkson Prime Minister of the UK?

Surely it would just have been easier for him to change his name by deed poll to "Jeremy Clarkson-Clarkson" and then he'd have been a shoo-in for the top job at the UN ?

Would have made the Georgia situation a lot better than that French bloke managed. Instead of Sarkozy faffing around ineffectually trying to organise a Russian withdrawal, Clarkson-Clarkson would have just pitched up in his stonewashed jeans and said "Right Putin - its me, you & Hammond, we take one T80 tank, one 8-wheeler armoured personnel carrier, and one 1976 1.1 litre lime green Skoda Favorit with beige interior and no air conditioning (for the Hamster) - first one back across the border into Russki-land wins enough petrol to burn a hole in the Ozone layer!"

Safe Places to Live In Modern Times

2008-09-09T19:53:00.004+01:00

With Global Warming causing hurricanes, floods, and all round Biblical levels of devastation across the globe, the choice of where to live is becoming rather more important, and - lets face it - somewhat tricky.

However I can offer advice. Its simple, easy to remember, and is Guaranteed to keep you, your pets, and your belongings, totally safe in these meterologically challenging times

Simply make sre to choose your home on the basis of its proximity to either:

a/ A School

or (even better)

b/ A Community Center

(Ideally actually live in a converted School or Community Center.)

Barn conversions - no good. Converted Churches - maybe, but still no.

Why?

Well, you muist have noticed that these two types of buildings are ALWAYS where people evacuated from their homes due to natural disasters end up being temporarily housed. So, they must be safe, dry, above the flood waters...... so presumably if you live in one, or near one, you can be fairly sure that you will also be safe from whatever Mother Nature can throw at you ...

Invest in buying up old Community Centers and turn them into luxury flats - thats the sure fire way to beat the property crash!

(I think I must have missed the period in world history when the edict went out from the United Nations to tell all member states to make sure their Schools (and "Community Centers") were built to higher specifications than most nuclear bunkers.)

What goes......

2008-09-07T12:51:00.002+01:00

Father, Son, Father, Son, Father, Son, Geek;
Father, Son, Father, Son, Father, Son, Geek;
Father, Son, Father, Son, Father, Son, Geek;
Father, Son, Father, Son, Father, Son, Geek;

...?

Answer:

The audience in a Cinema showing Star Wars - The Clone Wars animated feature.

(thank you Martin & Joe)

Plastic Bags

2008-08-28T23:30:00.003+01:00

British supermarkets are waging war on the plastic bag

In ever more fervent efforts to be Green, they all now encourage you to re-use bags, or they sell you high quality reusable ones.

But, being a bloke, this causes immense problems. Because I am unable to remember to take a bag with me to the supermarket. Its a biological impossibility for a bloke to leave the house with a bag that contains anything other than his sports kit or dirty laundry (sometimes both).

So, whenever I now get to the checkout, I have some namebadge-wearing till-worker looking down her nose at me as my shopping piles up at the end of the conveyor and I look frantically for the plastic bags.

Inevitably she then asks me "do you need a bag?"

But thats not what she means.

Oh no.

"Do you want a bag" is really a form of retail shorthand for :

"If I handed you a club instead of a plastic bag right now, I bet you'd be straight off to Canada to hit some baby seals on the head with it.
And on the way you'd probably stop off to inject CFCs from your old fridge into the eyes of some dolphins.
Dolphins you'd catch in a net whilst fishing for whales.
Using nuclear waste as bait.
And you'd leave all the lights on at home when you went.

You evil PLANET KILLING SCUMBAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Its actually like that - I swear..

King of Shaves

2008-08-13T13:03:00.002+01:00

My choice of shaving gel, King of Shaves, proudly claims it has not been tested on animals

Whilst the thought of diligent researchers removing the facial hair of monkeys, rabbits and sad looking dogs does sound a little unnecessary, my suspicion is that the real reason went something like this:

Researcher 1 " So, what shall we test this on then?"

Researcher 2 "You mean, what animals should we shave ?"

Researcher 1 "Yes. maybe dogs - or perhaps rabbits ?"

Researcher 2 "How about Guinea Pigs?"

Researcher 3 " Its a no brainer. Beavers"

(lab collapses ino childish hysterics, never to recover.... )

save food!!!

2008-08-06T21:42:00.002+01:00

The world food crisis is now part of the great environmental disaster overtaking the world...

Everywhere food prices are rocketing leading to mass startvation and an upturn in sales in LIDL at the expense of Waitrose.

To help save the planet we are being told to throw away less food and reduce wasteage.

I guess that means as organic stuff goes off really quickly, the people who told last week to buy organic to save the planet were different to the people telling us to throw less out this week then...?

(maybe they are? maybe they will get together and have a fight?)