MaDD Blogger

Darling Nikki....

I met this girl Nikki on Myspace. I wasn't really looking to meet anyone but she contacted me and we started writing each other back and fourth. She seemed like a nice person and I guess she still is but I wish she had been more honest with me. She wrote to me and asked if I wanted to call her. Our emails had been going well so I said sure and sent her my cell phone number and home phone and she sent me hers. I called her when I got in later that night and we were having a pretty good conversation until all of a sudden she decided to drop a bomb on me. 6 years ago Nikki was in a car accident and is confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life.

Call me shallow but jeez what a fucking turn off. She says she didn't tell me because so many people judge her by her chair instead of what kind of person she is inside but I felt tricked. Being in a wheelchair is a huge fucking thing to omit from over 20 emails that 2 people swapped back and forth. She really wanted me or somebody to fuck her and I thought that it just wreaked of desperation but she was so lonely and I couldn't just hang up on her. I stuck it out and it was a pretty good conversation but I just didn't feel it would work out. She emailed me again and I decided to tell her the truth. I felt lied to and thought that she should have mentioned her situation before hitting on me and inviting me to call her. I wrote her back and said we could still be friends but that it was too much for me to handle and that in the future she should be upfront with all the guys she meets online. She disagreed but when we talked she mentioned that she kept getting rejected so I would think that she should consider changing tactics and putting the fact that she is disabled in her profile. Talk about it, be upfront and don't hide anything or she's going to keep sitting there alone waiting for some loser to take pity on her and fuck her.

I'm willing to be judged by all of you out there but I think I make a valid point. If you are on an online dating site and you were missing a leg but otherwise attractive would you be honest and tell people about it in your profile or would just contact the person and get their hopes up and then all of a sudden go "Surprise! I'm missing a leg!"? I'd wager that if you do the latter it won't go over well with most people something I learned the hard way a few years ago so now I put everything out there. Are you broke? Tell them! Live with your Momma? Tell them! If you don't it will bite you in the ass in the end.

Famous quotes...

Life is like riding a bicycle, you don't fall off unless you stop pedaling... -- Claude Pepper

The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. -- Doug Larson

A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men.
-- Roald Dahl, (Willy Wonka) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. -- Mark Twain, Letter to Mrs. Foote, Dec. 2, 1887

I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine. -- Fritz Perls

Sex

- The world is at your hands!
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when
women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which
makes hair shine and skin smooth.

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2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of
suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced
cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

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3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during
that romantic dinner.
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4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It
stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. Its more
enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you dont need special sneakers!

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5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It
releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria
and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

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6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The
sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called
pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

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7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10
TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
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8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing
encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of
the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

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9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking
session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the
brain.

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10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a
natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

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This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The
original is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has
been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The
Hot Sex Fairy will visit you within four days of receiving this
message, provided you, in turn, send it on.

If you dont, then you will never receive good sex again for the
rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your
genitals will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people
you think need sex (who doesnt?). Dont send money, as the fate of your
genitals has no price.

Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail
in 96 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days.

Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is
true, even if you are not superstitious

CALIFORNIA

California then and now

156 years ago!

This week back in 1850:

California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.

Everyone was an immigrant.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today except the
women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.

You don't know Jack Schitt!!!!

>>> Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the

situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner

of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie

Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being

married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them,

she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they

produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and

consequently, married the Happens brothers in dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

Dream Job

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!" The social worker says,"Yeah, well, you started it."

How To Poop At Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who
hate pooping at work, following is the survival Guide for taking a dump at
work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
your pants.

FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk
in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave
and come back again.

Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious
if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend
it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel
uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This educes the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided
with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is
damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look
around the office for the out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
bathroom.

POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.): A group of coworkers who band together
to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help
you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers and identify
SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper
of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is
very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you
feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of
the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the
bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom
attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORK-POOP is an inevitable part of
life.

The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, Yay God!

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not
a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP

1. Its important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks,
cleans & has a job.
2. Its important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. Its important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn't
lie.
4. Its important to have a woman who is good in bed and loves
being with you.
5. And finally, its really most important that these four
women don't know each other.

World Premiere! My Bowling Balls Frozen in a Foot Locker in Chicago

The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza has just gotten back from the first leg of their tour and they have a new video to show for it. Created by Danza frontman Jessie Freeland here it is My Bowling Balls Frozen in a Footlocker in Chicago. Enjoy!