I’ve always been more comfortable writing nonfiction than fiction. I think that the issue is fear of having people criticize work that I’ve made up. The only attempts I’ve made at nonfiction are poetry (as an angsty teenager) and playwriting. I loved writing plays, and since it was during college, other students acted out my scenes. It’s great fun to watch people act out something you’ve written. Sadly, despite being very cool, it didn’t seem like something that could sustain me financially. Writing original stories, or a fictional book, seemed crazy. What if people hated it? Could I handle that rejection?

I create stories in my head constantly. Why not put them down on paper? I’m finally working on writing fiction, and it’s more fun that I’d expected. It’s a pleasant change from the academic writing I work on several days per week, and I can already see progress. Part of the process for me is working on improving my craft and reading about writing. For months I’ve struggled with forcing myself to write blog entries, and apparently what I needed to do in order to gain motivation was get outside of my comfort zone.

I’ll be honest; I’m not working on a great masterpiece. In fact, I’ve started out by writing Harry Potter fan fiction, which I can’t make money on and will go nowhere other than possibly making people who love fan fiction happy. However, I can post it on fan fiction websites and get feedback, which I love. It’s fun to have instant gratification from people about my story. It’s different than a professor’s comments about a paper I write for school. It’s nice to hear when I’ve done a good job on a paper, because the papers are usually technical and take a great deal of research. But I’ve been writing academic papers for so long it’s hardly a challenge anymore.

There’s a story I’m working on that isn’t Harry Potter-related, so I am moving toward something more serious and long-term. It’s difficult, but satisfying as well. My plan is to keep writing as much as I can in order to improve my work. I spend nearly all of my free time reading and writing, and I can only hope that it’ll pay off in the long run. Not necessarily in a financial sense (although that would be nice), but a personally rewarding one. It’ll also be good for my academic writing. If there’s one tip about writing that everyone seems to know, it’s that the only way to become a better writer is to write.

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As I think about 9/11, I remember where I was that morning – with Jason on a United flight bound for San Francisco. Here’s an excerpt from Magical Shrinking about our experience:

On September 11, 2001, we have an early flight out of Baltimore, and I’m tired. I nap on the plane, and a couple hours into our flight I wake up to the captain talking about terrorist activity. He says he’s landing the plane in Lincoln, Nebraska.

I’m groggy and it doesn’t make any sense. I look out the window and we’re close to landing. I can’t imagine what could have happened in America that would cause our flight to land. There’s a buzz on the plane, and the minute we land people are on their cell phones trying to find out what happened.

Once deplaned, we aren’t sure what to do. We doubt it’ll be very long before we’re allowed to get back on the plane. I walk toward the front of the terminal to go outside for a cigarette and pass a television with an image of a World Trade Center tower collapsing. I stand there for a moment in disbelief. Surely I didn’t see that correctly. I call my grandmother. She tells me the events of the morning. The World Trade towers have collapsed, a plane has hit the Pentagon, something about another plane. I’m too overwhelmed with information.

First I go out to have my cigarette, and a couple other people are out there, too. They’re saying that all planes are being grounded. I start to cry because of the enormity of the situation, and the loss of lives. I also feel a sense of panic about our own situation, in the airport in Lincoln. What’s going to happen now?

I call my parents. My father answers and wants to talk to me about all of this. I let him. Even hearing it repeatedly I find it hard to process. He says he’ll tell my mother I called. She’s on her way to their place because the City of Los Angeles has sent their employees home. I’ll call them back later when I have more information about what’s going to happen to us.

I rejoin Jason at the gate, where we wait until someone from United Airlines tells us we’re all being taken by bus to a Red Cross disaster center. Everyone is in shock as we collect our baggage and load it onto the buses. Five planes have landed in Lincoln. That’s a lot of people.

On the way to the shelter, Jason and I talk about the irony of ending up in Lincoln, which is his hometown. He was born here and lived in Lincoln until he was 7 and moved to Virginia.

The shelter is in a church basement. They feed us pizza and provide a couple televisions to watch CNN. I call my boss and tell him I probably won’t be at work tomorrow.

Eventually, the folks from United tell us we’re all going to be given rooms at the Cornhusker Hotel. The passengers are trying to stay calm and be polite to one another. In front of the hotel, there’s a long wait to be given room keys. We stand waiting, in shock, with our bags.

Finally, we’re given the keys to our room. By the time we reach it I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I only brought enough medication for the trip, and ran out last night thinking it was no big deal because we were on our way home. Now I need my meds badly and am not doing well emotionally. The stress of the day is causing me to feel like I’m on the edge of panic.

Jason has an aunt and uncle in Lincoln. He gets their phone number and gives them a call. They’ve already been given a heads up that we’re in Lincoln by Jason’s mom. They make plans to come over and have dinner with us.

I’m glad to meet his aunt and uncle, Joanna and Don, and we try to have as normal a dinner as possible with them. It’s great to have such a pleasant diversion, but the circumstances are so crazy none of us can believe it.

We spend our first evening in Lincoln drinking heavily in the bar while watching CNN.

In the morning we have another whole day and night stretching before us, because it doesn’t look like we’re going to be leaving soon. Jason and I stroll around the streets of Lincoln, and walk down to the University of Nebraska bookstore to pick up a few souvenirs. He’s a huge Huskers fan.

The second evening we drink too much again. It seems like the only thing to do to handle the situation. Jason even smokes one of my cigarettes. That’s when you know things are bad, when Jason smokes a fucking cigarette.

We’re doing the best we can. The amount of news we’re watching is too much for me. I need to hang out in the room at times to stop being bombarded with images of the collapsing towers.

Finally, after a couple nights in Lincoln, we’re taken to the airport to fly to our next destination, San Francisco. Sadly, we hadn’t been on a direct flight to Los Angeles. Only flights which had been diverted are allowed to fly today. Once our plane’s in the air, everyone’s in a jubilant mood. We’re finally on our way!

In San Francisco, we’re taken to another hotel. I’ve been having trouble sleeping without my medication, and am struggling to hold myself together. The next morning, we arrive at the airport to see two thousand people waiting to fly out. It’s awful. If I had a gun I’d blow my head off right now. We wait in line for what feels like an eternity, and have to run to the gate to make our flight to Los Angeles. I would’ve broken down in tears if we’d missed it. The stress is crippling me.

At Los Angeles International Airport, we can’t wait to get off the plane. We practically run down to the baggage claim where my mom is waiting to pick us up. I give her a big hug, I’m so glad to see her I could cry. Jason and I have never been so glad to be in Los Angeles.

When we get home to our apartment, our cat, Merlin, is a mess. It takes us a few minutes to realize Merlin is acting crazy. It appears he’s sick.

I collapse on the floor and cry. I can’t handle one more thing. Merlin is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I need to go to bed, to enjoy being at home. I can’t go to the vet. I cry and yell I can’t fucking take anymore! Jason says it’s okay; he’ll take Merlin to the vet.

I’m so grateful and relieved with his ability to keep his shit together when I can’t. I take two Klonopins and my other medication and go into our bedroom to relax. Merlin is fine; he’d been having an anxiety attack, just like me.

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Last night when I went to bed I was troubled by my inability to remember the difference between béchamel sauce and veloute sauce. I thought about getting up and checking, but decided to stay in bed and check in the morning. Ah, yes! Veloute is like béchamel, but with a light stock added. I read up a little more on the “five mother sauces” and chuckled to myself that a few months ago the phrase “mother sauce” was foreign to me.

There’s a negative connotation with “obsession,” but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Personally, I feel that part of my bipolar disorder is the way I become fixated on things and study them intensely. It’s not always positive – such as an obsession with drugs. When the obsession is with healthy food I don’t think it’s a problem.

It’s hard not to become obsessed with food and nutrition when I’m losing weight consistently and feeling healthier all the time. I’m only 8 lbs away from being “overweight” instead of “obese,” and I can’t overstate how fantastic it feels to be in this situation. I’ve lost 42 lbs with hardly any exercise, but lately I’ve felt so good I’ve been going for fairly lengthy walks (for me) nearly every day.

Life is really good these days. We’ve gone through a tough few months, especially with Jason’s medical issues, and it feels like this is a new beginning for us. We’ve been cleaning our house, which was quite messy, and it’s neater and cleaner than it has been since we moved in over four years ago. The yard is also looking good, and my garden is thriving.

I’d like to share that I’ve made more than ten really great meals from this site – Simply Recipes. She has so many solid, tasty, and healthy recipes on there; it’s like a gold mine for me. If you’re looking for some new ideas, check it out!

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It appears that recently Kirkus Reviews went over all the reviews they did in 2010 and decided which books had earned a star, which indicates a book of “remarkable merit.” I noticed a while back that Magical Shrinking had been given such a star, and it was exciting. It was even more exciting to get an email from a woman at Kirkus today letting me know that only ten percent of all the books they review each year earn a star.

Now I’m going to be speaking to them about possible promotional opportunities, and this is great news. I’ve never been more ready to promote the book and put myself out there in any capacity that will get my story heard. And there is a great deal of interest in the book and my story, so I think the timing is perfect.

Several months ago a friend and I were going through a rough time, and a friend of hers made a remark I’ll paraphrase. He felt that I had no business writing two memoirs before the age of 40 because I hadn’t done anything that interesting. I’ve enjoyed laughing at that over the past few months as I’ve written for Aol News, the Huffington Post, and Thatsfit.com, as well as doing a radio interview. Clearly people are interested.

Here’s what I hope – that Magical Shrinking can help people, and that my experiences with bipolar disorder and addiction can make a difference.

I’ve been so fortunate to have people in my life who keep me going even when things seem too tough to continue, and without them I might have let my passion for ending stigma and working to help people suffering from mental illness fall by the wayside. Over the past several months my family has struggled with serious medical issues; my husband was nearly paralyzed and then had to have half his thyroid removed because of a possibly malignant nodule (it was benign!). Luckily he made it through that, and we’re gaining back some stability and good health.

I will never forget the people who have supported us through these difficult times, and we see how critical it is to have family and friends in our corner. Life is getting better and better, and all I can do is hope that things fall into place the way they should and that the universe will provide what we need.

Thank you all so much. A million thanks would not be enough!

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Here’s a quick update, because I don’t like to go too long without a post on this blog. I swear I’m not being a huge slacker, and that there’s been some serious stuff going on here in the Wells home.

Earlier this week my husband, Jason, had half of his thyroid removed because biopsy results were inconclusive and unable to determine whether the nodule on his thyroid was malignant. The surgery was successful, and best of all, we found out that it was benign! What a huge relief. Wow. Jason is recovering well and honestly I’m impressed with how well he’s doing. He even went into work for a few hours this morning. He’s a trooper.

I’m working on a piece about mental illness and family/friends; mainly about how to deal with a friend or family member who is struggling with depression, etc. The balance of relationships between family, friends, and the person with mental illness is very delicate. This is something I’ll be posting about soon, and my bff, Elise, has been helping me out with this topic, and I appreciate it!

Thanks for your patience, dear readers. I’m going to get back on point. This has been my school break between quarters and I’m feeling good and ready to get some work done!

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Yesterday I had the honor of being a guest on Safe Space Radio, hosted by Dr. Anne Hallward. It was a fantastic experience, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Anne was an excellent interviewer, and I felt she was really in tune with me and my story, and respectful about the topics we covered. Also, this was my first ever radio interview, and I was very nervous. Luckily Anne was able to guide me through it, and make it comfortable for me. I see this as a part of my (long) journey to reduce and end stigma.

I’d like to share the recording with my readers, because I’m proud of what I said, and perhaps someone can connect with what I spoke about and relate.

Here is the link to the interview: Bipolar Disorder and Addiction

Thank you to Anne for providing me with this opportunity!

In other news, Jason, Jack, and I had a great trip back to my hometown of Milford, Connecticut last week. A million thanks to Linda Holm for hosting us in her home. Two adults and a 5 year old? It can get crazy – she’s clearly a saint. It was great to see everyone, and as always, I look forward to getting back and seeing even more family and friends.

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The above comparison photo shows me in August 2010 and today, May 3, 2011. I changed the way I eat/drink on January 9, 2011 and I’m pretty sure I looked like I did in August at that point, if not worse.

The first thing to explain about how I’ve lost weight so quickly is to discuss what I was doing wrong.

1. Eating at restaurants and not paying any attention to what I was ingesting. For example: fried pickles and burgers/sandwiches at one place, happy hour apps like wings, nachos, fried calamari plus drinks plus dinner at another. Eating until I was full, sometimes way too full.

2. Also ordering delivery food at least once a week – pizza or Chinese food. Sometimes both in a week.

3. Drinking without paying attention. Too much alcohol.

4. Not cooking healthy meals. Making food from boxes all the time with little fresh produce. Relying on heavily processed foods.

5. Eating a lot of frozen foods (processed foods).

6. Salting the crap out of food at the table. I’m certain I was over 3,000 mg per day, which is a lot.

7. I’m not working right now, but at my last job, when the weight was packing on, I ate fast food quite a bit. It was so easy to stop and grab Sonic, Arby’s, etc. because they were right in the neighborhood at work. Not to mention the sit-down restaurants for lunch – sometimes eating out for lunch and dinner in one day.

8. Not drinking enough water. Too much soda, juice, and beer.

9. Eating large portions at home and at restaurants. Having seconds at home.

10. Having candy as a regular snack in the evening.

11. Not paying any attention at all to the ingredients of food I bought or ate.

12. Extremely sedentary life.

That’s enough of what I was doing wrong, I think. You get the picture. I’m alone in this regard; it’s pretty common for people to not think about what they eat.

Eating out all the time was expensive. I really do love food, and since I wasn’t cooking exciting meals at home, it was nice to go to places where food was being prepared for me. It seemed overwhelming to attempt to cook at a higher level at home.

Here’s what has changed:

1. I rarely eat at restaurants now. And when I do, I either check the menu ahead of time and nutritional info, or eat something I know is the best possible choice.

2. Never ordering take-out/delivery food. We haven’t done this since December 2010.

3. Paying attention to alcohol. Not going over my daily calories (which are counted for me because I enter everything I eat with this website and iPad app: http://mynetdiary.com).

4. Cooking meals from scratch daily, only cooking from a box when I make Annie’s mac and cheese (one of Jack’s favorites). For example, this is what we’re having for dinner tonight: Pinot Noir Braised Short Ribs with Polenta

5. Only eating frozen food that is minimally processed, such as veggies. Very occasionally eating frozen stuff that is quick. Maybe once or twice a month.

6. Never using salt at the table because I’m learning how to season properly while I’m cooking.

7. No fast food at all.

8. Water is my main beverage. I have an occasional diet soda when I feel like it, or beer/wine, but I drink a lot of water. Many glasses per day, although I don’t keep track of ounces.

9. Eating a portion that I’ve measured. I use a digital food scale for some things (meat, cheese, granola) but otherwise I can tell if it’s a half cup, cup, etc. of veggies. And again, documenting everything in MyNetDiary.

10. No candy, and I don’t find that I miss it.

11. Not eating anything without paying attention to either the ingredient list, or where it’s from (produce).

12. Being less sedentary – even cooking for an hour counts as exercise when you are literally standing the whole time and actively prepping food. Gardening and playing outside with Jack are also some things I’m doing.

There you go. That’s the quick and dirty version. I’ve posted previously about specific things I’ve chosen to do, such as eating pastured and/or grass-fed meat, but this is the main stuff.

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