Now there’s nothing wrong with getting angry – after all this was a major blow to your life. However at some point I think it’s only fair to you that you move on. One way of doing this is through forgiveness. Your reaction might be: hang on though – why would I want to forgive them? What they did was reprehensible. If I forgive them, does it not mean they have won? Sounds a bit like spiritual mumbo jumbo to me.

For me, I have come to see forgiveness as a selfish act. It is something you are doing for you and you alone. True, others may benefit, but you will too. Let me give you a quick rundown of some of the benefits forgiveness brings:

• Reduced anger
• Reduced stress
• Increased optimism
• Better health. Research indicates unforgiving people tend to have higher heart rates and blood pressure. They also experience more negative emotions.

So getting back to this situation that has led to your anger. It does not just have to be a loss of a job. It is whatever event led up to you struggling with anger and unable to move on, whether it is hours, days, weeks, months or even years after the event. It can be a person who cut you up in their car, a girlfriend who ended the relationship, a person who stole from you. Why would you want to forgive? Because it will allow you to move on with your life. You may have a strong sense of justice, so believe by forgiving them they did not have to pay for their wrongdoing. Yet would not the best way to exact justice be to get on with your life?

Does the perpetrator care about your anger? Does it make any difference to them that each day you are waking up with a black cloud, wishing them bad luck, feeling miserable and cheated? Is it not more likely that they’re happily getting on with their life without a backward glance at you? Whether it is the boss that fired you or the person who cut you up – they don’t care about you. They’ve moved on. So why would you insist on using all those negative emotions to make you miserable and possible harming your health? Where’s the justice in that? There is none. In fact, now you’ve been hurt twice. First by them, and now by you.

If you can allow yourself to forgive you are allowing yourself to let go of all those negative emotions you have been carrying around and finally move on with your life. You may also prevent some long term damage. See how it’s a selfish act? You are putting you first – not them. So how might you go about this? Take a look at the steps below.

How to forgive

As you work through the steps, if you find yourself getting angry, take some slow deep breaths to help relax and calm you.

1 What one thing would you like to forgive that has previously been making you angry?

2 How are you thinking and feeling right now about the situation and the person you would like to forgive?

3 Think about the event from an outsider’s perspective. How would they view the situation?

4 Make a deliberate choice to forgive. Tell yourself that you have chosen to forgive and it is done freely and without a grudge.

5 Why have you decided to forgive? You may also want to ask yourself ‘what will I lose if I don’t forgive?’

6 Imagine you are the person you want to forgive. Try to understand their point of view. Reflect on why they may have hurt you in the first place.

7 For forgiveness to be effective you need to take action. What are you going to do to acknowledge your forgiveness of the other person? You do not have to do it face to face – even writing it down somewhere can be enough.

8 Having taken action, reflect on how you are feeling now. How does it feel to let go of a grudge?

9 Now go and be free to live the life of your choosing.

These steps are a modified version taken from the chapter on forgiveness in my book Promoting Happiness.

The next time something causes you to be angry, try to forgive sooner rather than later. You could save yourself a lot of misery. You may not even need to go through the steps – just simply say you forgive them (whether to yourself or them) and move on.

University of British Columbia researchers Alden and Trew had people who suffered from high levels of social anxiety carry out acts of kindness for two days a week, for four weeks. This group was compared to another, which was given tasks that helped challenge their faulty thinking. So both groups had to engage with others and face their fears, but in slightly different ways. After the four weeks, those who had carried out acts of kindness were less likely to avoid social situations and had increased relationship satisfaction.

There are other benefits of music, which I have written about in my article: make time for a music bath.

The character strengths

Positive psychologists Chris Peterson and Martin Seligman have identified 24 character strengths that if nurtured can contribute greatly to your happiness and wellbeing. Although I could probably talk about all 24 strengths in this article, I have decided on the top 10 that I most definitely used when writing the book. Not surprisingly, these feature my top strengths (also known as signature strengths, of which you have about six), but by necessity other strengths featured in order to see the book through to completion.

1 I don’t know anything about writing a cookbook: the love of learning

It’s all very well having an idea – but when you embark on something new, how do you go about it? I knew absolutely nothing about writing a cookbook. ‘How do you know what to say?’ was an early thought that sprang to mind. Yet as I was to learn, knowing what to say was the least of my problems. I started doing some research and soon discovered all sorts of conventions I had to consider. What measurements would I use, what names would I give different foods, descriptions of method, would I put serving sizes in, photos, nutritional information? Then there were the recipes themselves. Obviously I had my own spin on each recipe but I found myself wanting to learn more about the origins of different dishes. Fortunately all of this was made easier by the fact love of learning is one of my signature strengths.

Thanks to the internet, I was able to go as far as a liked in my research. Often it was just for my purposes, but I guess having a good store of knowledge is never a bad thing. My past learning also made things easier. I had learnt a great deal about cooking over the years and I also knew what it was to follow a vegetarian diet. Fortunately the cookbook was an opportunity to pass my learning on to others.

2 What happens to the flavour of beetroot when I add blue cheese to it?: curiosity

To me, curiosity goes hand in hand with learning. When you are exercising your curiosity you are also learning something. My curiosity strength was exercised in the kitchen when I was experimenting. What would happen if I add this ingredient? Previous learning gave me the confidence to get curious also. I had a good idea what would thicken foods, what flavours would complement, what oven temperatures to use and so on. Of course there was some trial and error and this was part of the fun.

3 Imagine publishing a book on 10/11/12? That’s a once in a lifetime opportunity: persistence

When I first took the VIA strengths survey it highlighted to me an area I really wanted to improve on. Persistence. I remember at the time feeling frustrated at myself that I would never finish things – instead finding some shiny new thing to pursue. So after taking the survey, I resolved to change this. And I did. I completed the writing of Promoting Happiness in 2010 – real proof that I can finish things. This need to persist stayed with me during 2012 as I worked on Vegetarian Tapas.

People were amazed when they heard the book would have 150 recipes. The thing is, I wasn’t short on ideas. I never am. I just have to work hard to realise those ideas. So how did I go about this? A number of factors came into play.

Firstly, every single step was broken down. Every recipe I wanted to cook, when I would cook it, when I would write it up – all planned out. However, alone this was not enough. I always write lists. I have to, to get anything done. It doesn’t mean I will do it of course. So around April I set a publication date of 10^th November. How often do you get to say 10/11/12? This doesn’t work for Americans of course! This allowed me to work out when I would finish recipe creating and testing and get down to the writing, editing and proofreading. I knew I needed plenty of time to proofread as I would hate to see the book published with an error. During the proofreading stage I really had to work hard to persist against my urge to say ‘that’s good enough’ and it was achieved by imagining my misery at putting out a book that didn’t meet my standards.

My persistence was bolstered by a role model whose strength, courage and persistence were characteristic of his life. He would be in the back of my mind during the whole process. Writing a recipe book was nothing. In fact it would be pathetic if I did not complete the project.

I also recognised that if I was to meet my deadline I would need to devote more time on the project and less on other things. If you are a regular reader of Make the Change you will know that my posts and articles suffered. To achieve my goal, my full attention was needed and I had to neglect other things.

I get the feeling that perseverance is something that comes easy to some – once they start on a project they must see it through to the end. Presumably it would be one of their signature strengths. I’m not sure it will ever be one of my signature strengths – when I think about my signature strengths I know they are a natural part of me. However, what I do know is my persistence strength is definitely strengthened and I will be able to continue building on my accomplishments.

4 As long as a count the churros as I eat them, all will be fine: self-regulation

Self-regulation means having good impulse control and not giving into whims or desires that will possibly jeopardise long term goals. For me, it is about resisting my desire to procrastinate. Some days my work ethic is amazing as I power through the tasks I have set for the day. Other times I struggle and those to-do lists sat in front of me make no difference at all. It is not surprising then that one of my favourite quotes has to be “nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task” by William James. Because he’s exactly right.

During the writing of the cookbook I’m sure there were times that I struggled. Yet I remember a grim determination and knowledge that I could not get behind on a single activity. I’m sure I would have struggled most during the editing and re-editing, as I was back at the desk. Although working with food (as the comment above about churros indicates) also meant restraint. Preparing food items that I had chosen with flavours that I loved – who wouldn’t have to urge to eat as they cooked? Then I would remember the bigger picture (and my waistline!).

5 This sweet chilli sauce is too hot, this one is too mild: hope

This project was completely new to me. I was walking into the unknown. Yet I was able to make the first steps, continue on, gather ideas, gain momentum and ultimately see the project through to completion.  All this required optimism. A belief that I would succeed and the cookbook would turn out as I envisioned it.

I needed to draw on hope quite often during my work. For example, when a recipe didn’t go as planned, what would I do next? Yet I think I most needed my optimism strength once the book was available to buy. No longer was it just my project, with just me to approve of it. How will people react? Would people like the recipes? People weren’t just going to be reading it. They would be taking it into the kitchen with them, trying the recipes and serving them to their family and friends. Oh the pressure! It’s a very vulnerable feeling. However, my years as a vegetarian and disdain for bland food let me be optimistic enough to believe that I was creating something that people would enjoy. In any case, we cannot control the thoughts or opinions of others, but happily we can control our own. I now have my own cookbook that I can use whenever I like.

6 This just tastes weird: open mindedness

The cookbook was my baby and so it was very easy to get attached. However, to get the best outcome it was necessary that I be open to feedback. All my recipes were tested and retested. Many rewrites were made. By remaining open minded during this process I was able to make the necessary changes, remove recipes and consider different layouts.

I also made sure I kept myself open to my own ideas, rather than quickly dismissing them. I did not want to just have traditional tapas in the book so this left me open to the types of snacks I did and did not want to include.

I think remaining open minded enabled me to nurture the next strength: creativity.

7 I want to make a sushi that I like: creativity

The most fun I had when writing the book was being able to create recipes then test them in the kitchen. I felt like a scientist finally putting my psychology training to good use! Keeping track of every ingredient – seeing what worked, what didn’t. What happens if I add this ingredient? Yes, I really did discover there was a science to cooking, but creativity was also important.

So how do I get my ideas? Often it is when I am reading. Something that someone else has written may trigger an idea that may not even have anything to do with the words I have read. Usually however it is when I am not working. I may be walking down the street or standing at a bus stop. I allow this time to let my thoughts wander, without pressure. I do keep a pen and paper with me so I am ready to record my ideas as they arise. People seem to struggle being alone these days – clutching on to their mobile phones, checking for updates on social media. The trouble is they are not allowing this time when their thoughts are free to go wherever they please.

8 A good grind of black pepper: humour

Humour is another one of my signature strengths, so I imagine I would have used it on a daily basis. Being able to laugh at a situation rather than become angry and helpless enables me to move forward. There were times when I was making a mess in the kitchen and something would occur where I had the choice of laughing it off or declare myself a failure. Sometimes it was a close run thing, but by laughing at the situation I could gain some perspective (it is just a recipe book after all) and enable progression. I would also tell the story afterwards and share my amusement with others.

The ‘good grind of black pepper’ quote refers to the fact that I use this term frequently during my book. It’s true – I’m a fan of black pepper! Frequent reference to this line amused my husband as he read the book. I could have become defensive but I didn’t – instead I see it as my signature line. I’ve now started a video series called Jeff and Julia and my friend Jeff who is cooking the recipes from my book also refers to the line frequently during cooking. It’s all harmless fun.

Tip: Use humour to help you cope when inevitable difficulties arise. It has to be far better than self-loathing or blaming the world when things go wrong. It’ll help you stay grounded and better able to move on in a positive manner.

9 Today I get to cook and eat my creations: vitality

During the early stages of my research, I remember reading how much work and how hard it was to write a cookbook. These words could have easily sent me running from my mission. I’m so glad this didn’t happen. It was a lot of work and time consuming, but I loved every minute of it. Drawing on the strength of vitality meant I had the energy and passion to complete my goal. I was going to say that ‘following a passion’ made this easier. But the thing is I think I discovered my passion as I progressed in my work. Maybe some people feel vitality in everything they do (so it is their signature strength). For me, I like to try different things and perhaps something will stick. Then it becomes part of my life and all adds to a feeling of zest and enthusiasm.

I cannot talk about vitality and passion without mentioning flow experience. I talk more about this in another article. What you should know about a flow experience is that you have had one when you are so absorbed in an activity that the rest of the world is forgotten. Such activities should be challenging (but not out of reach), be clearly defined and feedback should be sought on how you are progressing. What I had last year was a full on flow experience. As such I know that the book contributed greatly to my wellbeing and sense of vitality.

10 Tonight we are having treacle tarts and sweet and sour tofu bites: kindness and generosity

Finally, I would like to talk about how other people’s strengths encouraged the completion of my goal. In particular, their kindness and generosity. Without this support the book would not be what it is. It may not even have been completed. My husband tasted every single recipe, proofread the whole book, designed the cover and so much more. He supported my ideas and the whole process. Then there are family members who have supported my efforts. Then there’s my friend Jeff who I roped in to cook all the recipes from the cookbook. True, we’re all having a brilliant time and it’s a lot of fun. But he could have easily said no. Even now there are people who support me on twitter and post things to facebook. Most of these people are strangers, but such simple acts of kindness mean so much to me.

You can exercise in your home, get outdoors or go to the gym. You can exercise alone, or with a partner or friend. Do it enough and it will become a habit. You will also see great benefits and know you have reduced your risk of dying too soon

Details of 679 cases who had been admitted to hospital because of vehicle accidents were analysed. Driver questionnaires and police reports were used to determine the cause of the accidents. Of the 355 drivers shown to be responsible for the accidents, both being sleepy and drinking alcohol increased the chances of causing an accident.

If you are feeling tired during a long drive, try to pull over and take a nap. Even better plan nap breaks in advance, so you won’t put yourself in a vulnerable position.

Read more about sleep deprivation and the effects it can have on your life.

Research conducted at the University of Maastricht in the Netherlands found that working out for one hour every two days had the same impact on blood sugar as working out for 30 minutes a day. In the study 30 men either exercised on a bike for an hour every other day, for 30 minutes daily, or did nothing. Both exercise groups reported blood sugar levels in the high range for 24% of the time compared to non-exercises who had it in the high range for 32% of the time.  Both exercise groups were also equal in their reduction of blood sugar levels.

Type 2 diabetes is the world’s fastest growing chronic disease. I have written an article that gives further information on the disease.

The reaseach by Lipsky and Iannotti from the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development looked at over 12,000 children and compared their TV watching habits with their dietary habits. For every additioanal hour spent watching TV, a child was 5% less likely to eat vegetables every day and 8% less likely to eat fruit.  They were 18% more likey to eat sweets and lollies and were 24% more likey to drink fizzy drinks.

I would say that this research is as relevant to adults as it is to children and gives us another reason to take control of your television.