Blake Shelton Is My 2012 Celebrity Crush

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And in this essay I will give you the reasons why. Then I will play MASH to see where we will live and how many children we will have and when his divorce will be finalized.Though, I may have to first take care of Adam Levine, who is also crushing on my manbeast in the latest issue of Rolling Stone: "Blake can say anything or do anything," Levine adds. "If I was like, 'I'm drunk at 4:00!' I'd be attacked. He's like, 'It's cool, f#ck you, I just shot a f#cking moose, kiss my ass!' He can say whatever he wants."Indeed, Adam. Indeed.

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After the Super Bowl, 17 year old Connor Cruise‘s publicist Todd Krim wrote the Patriots fan a tweet that read “Sorry, @TheConnorCruise, maybe next year!” to which Cruise responded with a tirade that makes me want to wash his mouth out with soap. Witness:

“That was a gay ass f@cking tweet. You don’t say that about my team the minute they lose. Low.”

Krim, who is openly gay and runs a charity called Give Back Hollywood, replied:

“Umm ok…. Dude, I was f@cking joking”

Connor wasn’t having that, and ever the mature young man, countered with:

“That was f@cked. I don’t give a f@ck!”

Well. That’s nice. Clearly young Connor has not learned that you don’t use the word “gay” as an insult, especially to a person who is ACTUALLY GAY.

Krim was understandably angered by this exchange of words, and has severed all ties with Cruise, saying this again on Twitter:

“I am no longer working with Connor Cruise. In fact, I am no longer speaking to [him]. I refuse to be professionally (or even personally) associated with someone who engages in this kind of behavior.”

Hopefully this will teach Connor a little lesson about how to treat people and he will quit it with the homophobic slurs. Also, Connor? It’s just football. No need to ruin a professional and personal relationship over it. Also ALSO? Watch your mouth, young man.

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Um, okay.

At first, I thought:  “How weird!”  Then I thought, “I really hate ‘Good Vibrations.’”  And then I thought, “Is that a rash?  No, it’s excitations.” And finally I thought, “I get it.”  All of these acts are a blend of high-voice dudes, poppy guys who could be underestimated or overrated (depending on whom you ask), and guys who seem to love pay homage to other musicians.

So, for one night only, I’m willing to suspend my Beach Boys rage, stop hiding my Adam Levine crush under a bushel, and take “Pumped Up Kicks” off my “ENOUGH” playlist to enjoy what could be a spectacular mash-up of pop rock talent.  Are you?

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Much like we were left with a Last Chance Kitchen cliffhanger last week, the four remaining chefs are also not immediately told who won a spot back in the competition. They go home and sullenly discuss the possibilities, all clearly teetering on the edge of emotional breakdowns over the Final Four Fakeout: Just Kidding You Guys, You Totally Have One More Goddamn Challenge To Go.

Ed predicts Beverly is coming back. Sarah and Lindsay immediately tell him to SHUT HIS WHORE MOUTH and cross their fingers for Grayson. Ed and Sarah decide to make it interesting and bet a pack of smokes and a banana. And by “interesting” I mean zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Quickfire:

And now it’s time for the most anti-climactic reveal ever, because come on. We ALL knew the producers weren’t gonna let anything other than their very best plotline walk back through those doors.

It’s Beverly! And there was much rejoicing.

Actually, there was mostly just a lot of sighs of resignation and an audible flare of Sarah’s nostrils. Beverly, to her credit, clearly knows she’s walking back into a den of PMSing lions but keeps her head high and smiles the whole time. Tom tries to assure the other chefs that she really did earn her spot and they should all consider her a threat. Lindsay’s like, BUT MY HALIBUT THAT ONE TIME and I’m like, BUT TY-LOR’S STEAKS THAT OTHER TIME, YOU HYPOCRITE.

Padma starts talking about chefs needing to rely on their senses, so the second reveal of blindfolds is similarly visible from space, 10 minutes before she even started talking. Instead of a blind taste test, however, the chefs are sent into the pantry to forage for ingredients. Oh for the love. FOR THE LOVE.

There’s a lot of people walking into walls and Beverly manages to wander completely out of the pantry at one point and needs Padma to gently corral her back. Wah-wah- waaaah. Nobody can identify any of the proteins by smell because they’re sealed in plastic, thus negating the whole “rely on your senses” aspect of this nonsense. Several chefs come dangerously close to crashing into shelves of dishes and there’s unidentified Meat Juice dripping all over the floor and it’s like a big game of Culinary Pin the Tail on the Donkey.

They are allowed to remove the blindfolds to cook, however, in a rare flash of kindness. I’m surprised they weren’t required to keep them on while cooking outside over open fire pits with only plastic sporks for utensils. Seriously, I finally got around to reading those Hunger Games books all the kids are talking about last week and I am pretty sure that our dystopian fight-to-the-death-on-the-teevee future is already here, now.

Everybody seems to have ended up with at least one ingredient they didn’t intend to choose. Ed has to figure out what to do with pork casings, while Beverly freaks out over a rogue avocado and undercooks her fish in the process. Ed finally uses the boiling liquid from the casings as the base for a broth. Mmm, intestine water! That sounds delicious.

Ed and Sarah are the favorites, and here’s where my head exploded for the 8,234,510th time this season, because the winner of this challenge — this basic, 30-minute goddamn challenge — is given a choice for their prize: a new Prius or a guaranteed spot in the final four. And unlike regular old immunity, they will be given a complete pass on having to participate in the elimination challenge at all.

The guys interview that they’d take the car, since that’s not how they’d want to make it into the finals, all stroke-of-lucky and backdoor-like. And I agree, it’s shitty and not fair to offer that to anyone at this late point in the game. Give ‘em the stupid car and then make them cook their way to the finals, ALSO KNOWN AS THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE SHOW.

Sarah wins. Sarah takes the guaranteed spot. Sarah can now saunter directly to the finals thanks to a bowl of SOUP she whipped up in 20 minutes, in a Quickfire that wasn’t even close to being the toughest one of the season.

Nobody says a word, but I can only imagine the gnashing of teeth and tearing of garments that would’ve commenced if Beverly had made that same choice.

SOUP OF SHAME & SHENANIGANS

Elimination:

While I can’t necessarily BLAME Sarah for taking the fair-and-square freebie she was offered, despite it being kind of distasteful and slightly less than “honorable,” I let out a cackle when it turns out that the elimination challenge is cooking a dish for your culinary mentor. Everyone — except Ed, who is incapable of crying — promptly bursts into tears when these Very Important People Who Taught Them Everything And To Whom They Owe Their Lives arrive. Sarah’s mentor is former Top Chef Masters contestant Tony Mantuano. Hey Tony! Thanks for showing up. But you can go home now, because your pupil totally just took the easy way out. But hey! She made some soup. Clearly she earned it.

/marinates in bitter sarcasm

The mentors segment would probably be touching, if we gave more than half a rats’ ass about any of these people. Paul is openly weeping, as is his mentor Tyson Cole. Bromance! Michelle Bernstein is there for Lindsay and they hug and exchange I love yous. Homance! I’ve never heard of Paul’s or Beverly’s mentor-people. I wonder if a lot of the Beverly Judginess stems from her lack of an elite/prestigious background, since she got her start working in a hotel? (The Ritz-Carlton, to be fair, but still.)

Sarah and Tony get to go out for dinner together. Congratulations, Sarah! If you win this thing I will always, always include a mental asterisk after your name for not totally completely earning it. Although I suppose the same will go for Beverly, though at least THAT backdoor required actual cooking. Way to go, producers! You’ve managed to undermine the credibility of 50% of your final four contestants with all these awesome! twists! you love so much.

The rest of the chefs drive to Whole Foods in a Prius With Amazing Headroom Oh My God Shut Up. Beverly does her usual skittering around like her cart is a possessed bumper car. Ed discovers there are no fresh oysters at all and buys packages of smoked oysters instead. Ed has never watched the show, nor has he been present for a single Judges’ Table all season, apparently. The Keith Pre-Cooked Shrimp Debacle has now come full circle, amen, headdesk almighty.

Everything else that happens is boring. TOTALLY BORING. I’m skipping it. Because boring. Let’s get to the tasting and judging:

Paul makes an absolutely gorgeous bowl of chilled dashi soup with vegetables. It’s restrained and elegant and the judges basically have a table-wide orgasm over it. Jesus Christ, these people. With the soup.

There’s no way to edit for any suspense, so I’ll just get it out of the way too and tell you now that Paul wins. He gets his spot in the final four AND he gets a Prius. Thus bringing his monetary winnings to probably above and beyond the grand prize already.

SOUP OF WIN

Beverly also puts in a decent, plucky showing. She makes Singapore noodles in a wok for the entire table, which is no small feat. She’s in the finals! Sarah and Lindsay somehow manage to not spontaneously combust.

Lindsay did not get the soup memo and makes a seafood “stew.” Her proteins are cooked correctly but the dish is derailed by woody dried herbs and the addition of cream. And while I am pro-cream in about 99% of circumstances, I admit to not really being a fan of creamy seafood/shellfish dishes. Lindsay knows she screwed up and gets the “but she didn’t try to correct her mistakes before serving!” criticism from Gail. And while I am anti-Lindsay in about 99% of circumstances, Gail should shut up, because these challenges don’t allow for any major course-correction like that and she knows it.

Stew! Soup! Chowder! Bowl of stuff with glop poured on top!

But it’s Ed in the bottom-bottom, with no Last Chance Kitchen to grasp at. Poor Ed, who I actually never disliked that much, probably because his biggest moment of dickishness was directed at Sarah and her heat exhaustion and I dunno, it was SARAH and I would have liked to have seen more people dish out the dickishness to her and Lindsay and Heather. I might have some issues from high school I’m still working out, maybe.

Predictably, it was the smoked oysters that did him in, and even though the judges raved about his pickles and most of the other elements, how many times do we have to go over this “don’t use shitty prepared ingredients” thing this season? For the life of me I do not know why he simply didn’t just ditch the oyster sauce for something else, and I imagine that’s the question he’ll be struggling to answer himself for many years to come, especially once this show runs out of bona-fide “All Stars” to invite back and Ed gets a spot by default just so they can make him cook with nothing BUT canned oysters and Spam and short ribs and all three components must be made into a soup and oops! We’ve drilled holes in the bottom of ALL THE BOWLS NOW WHAT HA HA HA HA HA WHERE ARE YOUR SILVER PARACHUTES NOW, ASSHOLES?

Next Week: 

The female-heavy Final Four, v.2.0, featuring zero females who probably actually deserve to win, including the one I am rooting for simply out of pure petty spite, head to British Columbia for the first of what could be a seven-part finale, for all we know. Why British Columbia? Because it’s Top Chef Texas, dumbass. Why the hell not?

Time for a caption contest! Who can come up with the best caption for the image of the surgery buddies above? Add your own to our comment section below. I’ll kick us off:

• One in the pink, one in the gerochenvernschster.
• Looks like they’re filming a sequel to the movie Face/Off called Plastic Face/Off.
• The weirdest Madame Tussauds exhibit ever.
• Strangely enough, on anesthesia, they were both 100 percent comprehensible.

OK, bring it on!

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The Bachelor? Courtney?!

OK, I’ll take it. So the shocking news is that Courtney is a huge faker and doesn’t find Ben super attractive. I think these gossip rags have some nerve insinuating that anyone goes on a reality show for anything but the purest reasons. Hrmph.

Oh? There’s more? Now it looks like the man who survived a relationship with Courtney has something to say about her! I wonder if it’ll be flattering?!

From Courtney to Kourtney– don’t tell us that the rags don’t have range!

Here we have Kourtney standing around in a bikini. She is pregnant. She is sad. Is she sad because she is wearing a bikini in February? Don’t worry! She’s in a warm destination. Maybe we shouldn’t be worried about Kourtney anymore.

WHAT? Sandra Bullock? Is she…one of the former Bachelorettes? One of the Real Housewives? A secret Kardashian? WHY IS A MOVIE STAR ON A COVER OF A GOSSIP MAGAZINE?

What is this, the 50s or something?

And not only is she on the cover, but she’s off her rocker, if we’re to believe that she’s cheating on Ryan Reynolds with his best friend or anyone else who is not Ryan Reynolds’ identical twin brother. Hrmph.

And finally, Adele! Look at her triumph despite what that dummy Karl Lagerfeld had to say about her.

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