Listen: (20 min 12 sec)

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Listen: (13 min 56 sec)

Download this episode (right click and save – 12.8 MB)

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After that, I learned from friends that Martin went through several painful setbacks. Then he relocated to Cebu. I thought, there, maybe he’ll find his happy place. It turned out, I was mistaken.

When things seem to snowball in your mind, and you have nothing to hold on to, it can really get lonely. Exhausting. Devastating. And fatal.

It started on Wednesday with this: (in Facebook)

Then, on Thursday…

And finally, on Saturday, the day they found his body hanging by a belt inside his rented apartment, this:

Fare thee well, Martin.

All my faults perchance thou knowest,
All my madness none can know;
All my hopes, where’er thou goest,
Wither, yet with thee they go.

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Listen: (Part 1, 13 mins 53 sec)

Download this fabcast (right click and save – 12.8 MB)

Part 2 here.

Credits: Recording venue c/o CC. Podcast Production c/o McVie.

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Watch the trailer:

Bayaw premieres as an exhibition film in the 2009 Cinemalaya Film Festival on 21 July 2009 (9PM) at the Tanghalang Aurelio Tolentino (CCP Little Theater).

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Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines
Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalulungkot na tula ngayong gabi
ni Pablo Neruda (Salin ni Jose Lacaba)

Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalulungkot na tula ngayong gabi.

Maisusulat, halimbawa: “Ang gabi’y mabituin,
at nanginginig, asul, ang mga tala sa dako pa roon.”

Umiikot sa langit ang hangin ng gabi, umaawit.

Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalulungkot na tula ngayong gabi.
Siya’y inibig ko, at kung minsan ako’y inibig din niya.

Sa mga gabing tulad nito, niyakap ko siyang mahigpit
at hinagkan sa lilim ng walang-hanggang langit.

Ako’y inibig niya, kung minsan siya’y inibig ko rin.
Paanong hindi iibigin ang mga mata niyang malamlam?

Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalulungkot na tula ngayong gabi.
Isipin lang: Hindi ko siya kapiling. Nawala siya sa akin.

Dinggin ang gabing malawak, mas malawak pagkat wala siya.
At ang tula’y pumapatak sa diwa, parang hamog sa parang.

Ano ngayon kung di siya mapangalagaan ng aking pag-ibig?
Ang gabi’y mabituin, at siya’y hindi ko kapiling.

Iyon lamang. Sa malayo, may umaawit. Sa malayo.
Diwa ko’y hindi mapalagay sa kanyang pagkawala.

Anyong lalapit ang paningin kong naghahanap sa kanya.
Puso’y naghahanap sa kanya, at siya’y hindi kapiling.

Ito ang dating gabing nagpaputi sa mga dating punongkahoy.
Tayo, na nagmula sa panahong iyon, ay di na tulad ng dati.

Hindi ko na siya iniibig, oo, pero inibig ko siyang lubos.
Tinig ko’y humalik sa hangin para dumampi sa kanyang pandinig.

Sa iba. Siya’y sa iba na. Tulad ng mga dati kong halik.
Tinig, maningning na katawan. Mga matang walang-hanggan.

Hindi ko na siya iniibig, oo, pero baka iniibig ko siya.
Napakaikli ng pag-ibig, at napakabata ng paglimot.

Pagkat sa mga gabing tulad nito’y yakap ko siyang mahigpit,
diwa ko’y di mapalagay sa kanyang pagkawala.

Ito marahil ang huling hapding ipadarama niya sa akin,
at ito na marahil ang huling tulang iaalay ko sa kanya.

Listen: (2 min 37 sec)

Download this recording (right click and save) – 2.4 MB

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More here. And here, Derek’s very own Multiply site.

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Minsan naaalibadbaran pa nga ako sa mga eme-endeavor sa pagiging emoterang bading. Tipo bang taon na ang binilang, eh kinakarir pa rin ang pag-e-emote. Hindi ba sila familiar sa quotable quote na time heals all wounds? Aba, `teh, anong petsa na at nagmumukmok ka pa rin?

Pero, alam ninyo, nakakagulat. Di nga ako emotera, bato nga ang puso ko, pero bakit ganito? Mahigit isang buwan na ang lumipas ng paghihiwalay namin ni Marco pero parang di ko pa rin maisara ang kabanata ng buhay kong iyon?

Bakit sa kabila ng di ko pagpapakita ng kahinaan, ng walang humpay na pagpapanggap na everything is alright, business-as-usual, ay para bang may nakadagan pa ring bigat sa aking dibdib?

Bakit kahit alam kong di nakakatulong ay patuloy pa rin ang pakikinig ko sa mga sad love songs, mga separation songs, mga awiting walang ginawa kundi daliruting bonggang-bongga ang sariwa kong sugat, di maghilom, kumakatas pa rin sa kabila ng sandali nitong panunuyo?

Bakit kapag nakakakita ako ng mga magnobyo, magnobya, mga bading na obvious na mag-parter, kulang na lang eh koronahan ko sila ng mag-asawang sampal, bulyawan ng “pota, maghihiwalay din kayo!” Poot na nga yata ang namumuo sa aking dating tender, loving heart.

Shet. Di maaari ito. Dapat magising na ako sa katotohanan, tanggapin ang mapait na nakaraan. Kurutin ko ang aking singit hanggang mamula’t mangitim ito sa sakit. Gising, Migs, gising!

Kaso ang sarap yakapin ng aking napakalambot na unan, busog na busog, walang kasimputi, napakalinis, napakabango. Habang kumakaripas ang tulo ng luha mula sa aking malamlam na mga mata. Habang inaalala ko na minsan, minahal niya ako, mahal na mahal na mahal. At ngayon, wala na. Aray. Aray to the blue blue sky.

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The Bakla Review (TBR), the undisputed expert in Philippine gay film criticism, says of the movie “Dose” –

There’s no nudity, and a “penetration” consummates only towards the end, but Dose is a decidedly sexual journey. It’s the story of a boy’s coming of age, yet the genius of the movie is that it acknowledges the boy’s sexuality as something to be anticipated and inevitable, a thing of the future, but also a tactile presence, already happening… I found it touching, funny, sad, and exhilarating. This is a gay coming of age that’s deeper, braver, edgier than Ang Pagdadalaga Ni Maximo Oliveros (The Blossoming of Maximo Oliveros) or Ang Lihim Ni Antonio (Antonio’s Secret).

TBR says more here (a full review), and then in the end gives the film an “A” rating. I missed the movie when it was shown last year, but here’s good news from Senedy Que, the director of “Dose”:

hi. hope all is well … my directorial debut, “Dose,” will have a one-week engagement at Robinson’s Galleria Indiesine July 1 to 7. It stars Yul Servo, Emilio Garcia, and introducing Fritz Arvhie Chavez as the 12-year-old boy at the center of this disturbing tale about love, lust, and loss of innocence … In Dose, love knows no age or gender. senedy que

July 1 to 7, then. See you there.

In the photo below: Senedy Que (middle), Dose’s director flanked by Yul Servo (left) and Emilio Garcia (right).

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I am a fan of your blog and i find it interesting especially the pics and some posts about homosexuality and love life. I just turned 24 today, and I am working in a BPO company somewhere in Alabang.

I decided to send you a message, ’cause I find it hard to keep this dilemma to myself, almost my entire frickin’ homosexual life. I have been loveless since birth and I have felt inside that being gay makes things a bit worse for me. And I am always disturbed when my friends always talk ’bout their guys, how they met their romeos, how good they were in bed, how long is their relationship with the guy, etc., things like that. I am always the odd one out because I have nothing to share with them.

And in the middle of what seemed to be a good gay conversation, is me, silent and nonchalant, but deep inside there is an intense desire that just like them, I need love too. I am tired of occasionally pickin up guys to satisfy me for a night. I have always wished that someday, it’ll just come in an unexpected way and whether the relationship lasted for barely a month or a decade, I will treasure that and I can say to myself “na pwede na akong mamatay”.

But I don’t know where to start. I know that there is something wrong and i just can’t point out if it is me or the things/people around me. Help me out…

Sincerely,
Melai

Hello Melai,

First of all, happy birthday! *Hugs* from the Manila Gay Guy.

As I read your letter, a blog post of CC (co-fabcaster, blogger, and long-time friend) came to mind, which I’m excerpting below. Read and drink from the wisdom of a love master:

… (it’s) sad that some people feel that romantic love is lacking in their lives. and some complain of being lonely, lonesome, alone… perhaps some of these people focus too much on what they don’t have, i.e. no love in their lives. and whining about it just makes the thought expand. always mentioning this will just reinforce it further, a vicious cycle.

so turn it around. stop thinking you don’t have love. stop focusing on what is lacking in your life. start by recognizing that there are so many people around us who love us and whom we can love back! family, friends, people we work with… then you become thankful sincerely of what you already have: this wonderful people around.

Then start loving. It’s an action word. start focusing your energies on making people you love happy: your father and mother,… your grandparents, your officemates, your friends and barkada. spend time with them, make them laugh, make them feel appreciated. then extend to other people in dire need of loving: the poor, the elderly, the abandoned, the orphans and widows. just keep on loving and loving.

this way, you stop focusing on what you don’t have and you start focusing on loving people around. you end up sending signals of love to the universe. and that is what the universe will give back to you. love, in all its forms, perhaps including romantic love. [source]

So there. I hope by echoing CC’s thoughts I have helped you take the first step in loving. And this goes out too to all of you out there who are consciously or unconsciously looking for love. The first step to love is to love. And just as CC said, “love… and that is what the universe will give back to you.”

Have a great week everyone!

Love,
Migs

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