Manny the Manny

Having Trouble Finding Me on Facebook?

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 13:08:52 -0400

Well, that’s because I’m not there. My alter ego deactivated his Facebook account until at least November 7, thereby also suspending MY Facebook page. The nerve.

It’s just all this political nonsense clogging up my news feed. It’s cool that people are involved and care about the election and everything, but seriously, a status message is not going to change anyone’s mind. No one is swinging Ohio by posting a picture of Mitt Romney’s head superimposed on a cat’s body with the caption “I CAN HAZ BUJIT PLAN?” All that’s doing is poking a bear — or, I guess, two bears — already engaged in such a low level of discourse that it’s irrelevant.

At the very least, it’s irrelevant to me. I know who I’m voting for. My mind has been made up for a while now. So, I’m just seeking solace from the noise.

And for the record, it’s nice! I may never go back. So, in the mean time and until further notice, I recommend Twitter as the best way to follow me, or choose your poison.

Thanks everyone for reading a following, and don’t forget to vote!

—Manny

(Image credit: birgerking’s flickr. Used under Creative Commons License.)

10 Ways You (Yes, YOU!) Can Help End Bullying

Mon, 15 Oct 2012 12:16:00 -0400

Last week, I shared a story with you about how I was bullied in school, and went on to discuss some of the negative outcomes that can come from being bullied, which include suicide.

After getting in-depth about the problem, today it is time to discuss the solution. Or rather, the solutions. There is no magic bullet for bullying. There is no panacea to make it stop tomorrow. If there were, we’d be all over it.

Instead, putting a stop to bullying calls for each and every one of us to make an effort, at least in a small way. From a global level, to your community and even in your own home, here are ten ways that you can help put a stop to the bullying epidemic:

Donate to a group like PACER’s National Bullying Prevention Center. Those dollars go directly into programs to curb bullying in communities nationwide. There are plenty of other organizations out there dedicated to the cause that could use your dollars, so choose whichever one you like.
Volunteer for an organization that has a presence in your community. This is a great way for people who may not have the money to donate to still get involved. Programs like Beyond Bullies, Anchors of Hope and Buddies not Bullies are all great ways to get involved. Visit VolunteerMatch.org to search for opportunities in your area.
Launch an event in your community. Whether it be a simple fundraiser like a bake sale, or a larger awareness-raising event like a run/walk, if you have the time and ambition, you have the ability to make an impact.
Be a role model. Adults can be bullies, too, and kids emulate what they see from their adult mentors. The rule we were all taught in elementary school still applies in adulthood: treat others with respect, the way you want to be treated. Children will follow suit.
Further the discussion. Bullying thrives on silence and ignorance. It will continue to exist as long as we ignore it and down play it. So, talk about bullying. Get it out in the open. Talk to other parents, to your children, to teachers. Read about it in the news. Comment on blogs about bullying (like mine! Or this one!) Just. Talk.
Attend parent-teacher conferences. Most parents do this anyway because it’s just good policy, but it bears mentioning here. Talking to your child(ren)’s teachers gives you a handle on how they’re interacting in class and getting along with others. If they are being bullied — or bullying others, for that matter — you can get clues here.
Involve your child(ren) in extracurricular activities. Sports, clubs and groups are important for strong social development in children. Not only do they build skills and look good on college applications, but they promote high self-esteem in children and help them make new friends. Both of those things can insulate and shield your child from bullying when it does happen, like when I described making armor in my bullying story.
Talk to your kids about bullying. Teach them about why bullying is wrong. Have the conversation early and often. They need to hear from you about the reasons they should not bully others, and they need to know the stern consequences they will face if they ever do bully anyone. It is up to every parent to prevent their child from becoming a bully.
Praise your child. I’ve spoken about the importance of praise before, and will again in an upcoming Behavior 101 piece, but it is always worth mentioning again. Children who are praised at home have higher levels of self-esteem, self-efficacy and self-worth, all of which make them less likely to feel the need to build themselves up by tearing others down.
Listen to your kids. Pay attention to them. If I were making this list in top 10 format, this would be #1. Some parents, especially dads*, simply don’t pay enough attention to their children. Their may be signs that your children are being bullied that you wouldn’t notice if you don’t look for them. So talk to your kids. Ask them about their day. And listen to the response.

This list is not exhaustive. There are probably close to a hundred ways that you can join the fight. What’s important is not how you get involved, just that you do. Our kids are fighting this battle every day, and the least we can do is join them, because they cannot win on their own.

So do your part. Our children need you, and we need them later. In the words of Jim Morrison, “the time to hesitate is through.”

End bullying. Be brave.

What other things could you add to this list? What else can you do to make an impact?

*(I’m not trying to pick on dads. Many dads are great, but the empirical evidence shows that by and large, fathers are simply not spending enough time talking, listening and paying attention to their children.)

(Image credit: Eddie~S’s flickr. Used under Creative Commons license.)

pbsparents: So, this is a real thing. And if this doesn’t...

Fri, 12 Oct 2012 15:16:25 -0400

pbsparents:

So, this is a real thing. And if this doesn’t ruffle your feathers, I don’t know what will. Let’s just say there will be NO tickling Elmo this Halloween.

No. Stop it. Stop it right now.

The Fallout of Bullying

Fri, 12 Oct 2012 15:08:20 -0400

(I am emphasizing bullying and bullying awareness, as part of National Bullying Prevention Month. Please click here to read Monday’s post about my bullying experience, if you have not already.)

At the shelter, we occasionally ran into problems with cliques and bullying. Oddly enough, it wasn’t constant, but twice a year or so, we had to have a self-government meeting because a few of the seemingly softer kids were being targeted by those who fancied themselves among the hardcore. The consequence for anything that even remotely resembled bullying became so severe as to effectively result in loss of all privileges for the bully.

I had a director in those days who said something at one of these meetings that has stuck with me ever since:

“Everyone here is having a tough time. Every one of you would rather be somewhere other than where you are, and when you bully someone, you take it upon yourself to make someone else’s difficult time even harder on him, and that is not OK.”

That, to me, is the bottom line: it is not OK. Nothing about bullying is acceptable. As adults, we don’t get to look the other way. The stakes are too high.

At the end of Monday’s post, I admitted that the bullying I went through was relatively tame in the scheme of things. And yet, there have still been consequences. I have been affected even into adulthood by the teasing, ridicule and fear that I faced in high school.

I still have trouble trusting and making friends with other men. I am generally mistrusting and suspicious of others. When I am out by myself and I see two people sharing a private joke, I instantly assume they are laughing at me. I know these is an irrational response, so I talk myself out of it, but the point is that it happens to begin with. I bear the scars of having been bullied even know, some ten to twelve years later. There are parts of me that will always be a little bit broken. I’ve just come to accept that.

These and worse are the same problems that today’s bullied youth will eventually face. They will have to contend with that trauma from childhood rearing its head even as they get married, establish careers and have children of their own.

That’s not fair.

I came across a picture on Facebook the other day that read, “It is easier to build up a child than to repair an adult.” Trite though that expression may seem, as one of those adults who has needed some fixing, I stand behind the message.

Every parent, every teacher, every caregiver — hell, every ADULT — bears the responsibility of putting a stop to bullying. Because the kids who are in school today are the ones who are going to have to take the lead in this world tomorrow. And unless you’re prepared to repair them later, you best do everything you can to make sure they are built up now.

As one of those who needed fixing as an adult, I implore you to do your part.

On Monday (finally!), I’ll talk about just what things we caregivers, parents and teachers can do to make a difference in the bullying epidemic. In the mean time, let me ask: what ideas do you have? What can you do on this front?

Until then, be brave.

(H/T to Idle Hearts for the image.)

So, about today’s bullying post (which was actually supposed to be yesterday’s bullying...

Thu, 11 Oct 2012 15:45:00 -0400

So, about today’s bullying post (which was actually supposed to be yesterday’s bullying post)…

I’ve had trouble adhering to my original schedule on these posts, mostly because they’ve taken more out of me than I expected. But also, just as I was wrapping things up on the latest post, a kitty walked across my keyboard, somehow obliterating everything in Tumblr.

Fortunately, I wrote it offline, so all is not lost, buuuttt I can’t put it up until after work. (Manny can’t blog while mannying, after all.) Stick with me, folks. I appreciate the huge response I got from Monday’s post, and there are more in the offing.

Be brave.

—Manny

My Bullying Story

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 10:49:00 -0400

As I announced last week, I will be running posts related to bullying all this week, as part of National Bullying Prevention Month. Today, I invite you to read my own bullying story, which to this point has been shared with very few people. I hope that you find it interesting, and maybe even illuminating.

Middle School

I was bullied in school throughout my childhood. From about 3^rd grade to 7^th grade, I was teased because of my weight. Although no one who has met me recently ever believes it, I was in fact the fat kid in my class. In 7^th grade, I topped out at about 5’ 2” and 152 pounds. In hindsight, that doesn’t even seem that fat to me, and yet, my classmates were merciless.

Around that time, I hit a growth spurt, shooting up 5 inches while also losing 25 pounds. When I returned to school for 8^th grade at a svelte 127 pounds, I figured the bullying would be over. I was wrong.

While my classmates were (now) generally kind to me, and I had a fair number of friends, I still had older kids to contend with. Growing up in an extremely rural area, my school was consolidated, and all 12 grades were under one roof. That meant I had to see high schoolers in the halls on occasion, and they would shred me.

I was too eccentric and flamboyant for the surrounding rural farming community. When I came back from a family vacation to New York with my hair dyed bright yellow, the first comment I got on it was, “Nice hair, fag!” Taken aback, the only thing I could think to do was say, “thank you,” and continue to class. My brother was in high school at the same time, but not even his relative popularity could save me from being skewered.

High School

Before starting high school, I transferred to a neighboring district. It was entirely for academic reasons — the larger school had more funding and therefore better college prep programs — but still I was hopeful for a fresh start.

And, for a while, I got one. I made some new friends and went on about the usual high school business of combating acne and awkwardly trying to make girls laugh. That strategy worked just fine for about two years.

After sophomore year, I left for summer camp, as I had done just about every summer since I was 7. I had just turned 16, was dating a cheerleader and looked forward to getting my driver’s license as soon as I got home. Life was good.

Upon my return from camp, my girlfriend picked me up at the airport. On the ride home, she told me that there was a rumor going around about how I had engaged in some sexual acts with one of my male friends while drunk at a party. I laughed it off and told her it wasn’t true –- and indeed, it wasn’t –- but the damage was done.

Now, homosexuality is a totally natural and OK thing in my book. But, as any gay teenage boy will tell you – and as we learned from the movie Easy A – there are few creatures more cruel than a bully locked onto a homosexual target. I’m not gay, but the perception was reality enough.

From then on, I was constantly uncomfortable and always on my guard. I felt like everyone was looking at me funny. Kids whom I had considered my friends, or at least friendly acquaintances, turned on me. Some just shunned me, while others insulted me openly. My girlfriend broke up with me, although in her defense, that probably had way more to do with us being sixteen and foolish than with any possible discrimination on her part. Still, it didn’t help.

One day I was early to English class, so I waited in the hall for the dismissal bell. When it rang, a senior football player to whom I had never spoken charged out, giving me a straight arm shove as he turned past. I had the audacity to run for junior class president, and watched as seniors tore down my campaign flyers just moments after I put them up. Even underclassmen taunted me, such was my station within the high school pecking order.

Fighting Back

It became clear to me that I was fighting a battle every day, whether I wanted to or not. So, I prepared myself. I retreated inside myself, ignoring every barb and jibe that came my way. The hallways and classrooms became my battleground, my personality honed into sword and shield. I consolidated power by deepening my existing friendships and took on every ally I could. I took every quirky, witty, silly, cocky and clever bit of my character, pieced it together and wore it like armor. I carried it around and brandished it openly. It was the only defense I had.

I did not win every battle. I wasn’t bulletproof. I had good days and bad days. Some days I couldn’t ignore them anymore, like the day I shoved a freshman halfway across the hall on my way to biology class. Some days I hurried to my car for fear that those glares I got at the door would escalate into physicality. And some days I felt so broken down that I thought I might fall apart altogether.

I don’t purport to make myself a victim here. I don’t have any delusions that my life as a student was some sort of living Hell. I know it wasn’t. Nobody ever beat me up. Nobody shoved me in a locker, or stole my lunch money, or jumped me in the bathroom, or any of those other cliché after school movie bully tactics. Nobody planned and carried out an elaborate ruse at my expense like Whitney Kropp.

My experience is not extreme or atypical…and that’s the point. This is routine stuff, people. Thousands of kids wake up every morning afraid to go to school. And many of them get it much worse than I did. These are kids for whom school life is a living Hell, who would give anything to have it as easy as the experience I just described. They are scared, traumatized and abused every day.

Those kids need our help…your help. Tomorrow, I’ll talk about some of the lasting effects of bullying and how parents, teachers and caregivers can join the effort to stop bullying.

Were you bullied in your youth (or as an adult, for that matter)? Please share some of your experiences below.

(Image credit: trix0r’s flickr. Used under Creative Commons license.)

Put an End to Bullying. Now.

Fri, 05 Oct 2012 12:52:00 -0400

Earlier this week, I was reminded that October is National Bullying Prevention Month. That is as good a reason as any for me to expound on an issue that is near and dear to my heart.

(I meant to have this post up a few days ago, but in case you haven’t heard…)

According to BullyingStatistics.org, in 2010:

15% of students who miss school report that their absence is due to fear of being bullied.
About 71% of students say bullying is an ongoing problem.
Roughly 10% of students change schools or drop out of school because of being repeatedly bullied.

These statistics go on and on, and none of them looks good. Scariest of all is that new research, including a study by the Yale School of Medicine, has started to uncover a link between being bullied and suicide. This phenomenon has become common enough to earn its own term: bullycide.

In honor of NBPM, next week I will be running a series of posts centering around bullying, include a personal story as well as some tips for parents to combat bullying and some community resources to help get involved.

This problem has gone on long enough and harmed too many children. It’s time we all worked to put an end to bullying. Now.

"Circus apple, circus apple, polka dot, polka dot, apple."

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 13:23:44 -0400

“Circus apple, circus apple, polka dot, polka dot, apple.”

-

That was Yoshi’s rendition of Chris Rock’s song from the Madagascar 3 trailer. Although he’s not far off on the words, I still found it funny how children can hear different lyrics to songs because of their more limited frame of reference. Since Yoshi has no idea what an afro is, he just plugs in a word that he is familiar with and sounds similar, even if it makes no sense.

It’s like when I was just learning to read and I felt totally confident that the title of this book was “Banging Tricycles”:

(H/T to The Ultimate GIF Database for the Madagascar GIF.)

Site News: I've Been Sick

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 13:11:00 -0400

As several readers have noticed, I have been MIA this week. Aside from one post on Monday — which I managed to throw together on the train — I have been almost invisible.

The straight dope is that I’ve been under the weather, dealing with a sinus infection. I get about three of them a year, but I’m always in denial about them when they crop up. This time, I powered through without missing any work — the parents don’t get to take sick days, so why should I? — but eventually I realized I was sicker than I thought. This became abundantly apparent on Tuesday, when I had to take a 2 hour nap in the middle of the day after dropping Yoshi off at synagogue, just to feel like I could carry on living.

So, at any rate, that’s my excuse for my radio silence. I’m still sick today, but I’m on the mend and will have a new, substantive post up ~~this afternoon~~ over the weekend.

In the mean time, I’ll throw a Kid Kwote your way to reward your patience. Thank you as always for reading, and remember to always dress warmly and wash your hands frequently.

—Manny

Manny asks: What do you think about emergency contraception in schools?

Mon, 01 Oct 2012 11:54:47 -0400

Last week, Gothamist published a post reporting that thirteen New York City public high schools have begun to dispense emergency contraception drugs – more commonly known as Plan B or the morning-after pill – to students.

The contraception measure is part of a city-wide health initiative called Connecting Adolescents to Comprehensive Health, or CATCH, which is an unfortunate acronym if you ask me. The program has roots in a 2011 pilot program, according to Gothamist:

During an unpublicized pilot program in five city schools last year, 567 students received Plan B tablets and 580 students received Reclipsen birth-control pills, according to the Department of Health. Parents can opt out of the program, but only about 1 to 2 percent of parents at each school have returned the opt-out sheets, said DOH spokeswoman Alexandra Waldhorn.

(Read the full post here and the original NY Post article here.)

Even though the program is obviously not mandatory and parents can opt their children out of consideration for the drugs, obviously this measure has been a source of some discord among parents, city officials and even students. Not everyone agrees that children should even have access to these medications, let alone that schools should be permitted to dispense them.

Personally, I’m of two minds on this one. On the one hand, many teenage girls lack either the parental guidance to know about safe sex practices and/or the familial resources to have access to proper birth control without this program. For these kids, a pregnancy would be a heavy price to pay. On the other hand, I understand the thought that these schools are public institutions, and therefore this intervention represents public officials overstepping their bounds and playing the role of parent, counselor and health care provider. Absent children of my own, I honestly cannot say how I would react to my own daughter attending a school where she could receive Plan B just by asking.

This is one of those times when my professional training and experience simply cannot substitute for actual parenthood, so let me ask: what do you think? In the event that your daughter was sexually active and needed emergency contraception, would you want her to be able to get it at school? Do you think that she could feel comfortable coming to you in that situation?

(H/T to Gothamist for the Plan B image.)

Behavior 101: The Principle of Deprivation

Thu, 27 Sep 2012 12:57:29 -0400

Behavior 101 is an ongoing series about the principles underlying human behavior, and how to apply those to changing problem behavior in children, teaching children skills and maintaining positive behaviors. This installment: the principle of deprivation.

Let’s say I need you to do something for me, like that cleaning gutters example from the principle of contingency video. Given an arduous task like that, would you do it in return for a glass of water?

Under normal circumstances, almost certainly not. Water is free, readily available and not something we generally find to be overwhelmingly reinforcing. But, what if you had just spent 36 hours wandering the desert? Would you find the offer of a glass of water — probably paid in advance, under those circumstances — to be sufficient to compel you to climb a ladder and pull leaves out of my gutters?

That is the spirit of the principle of deprivation, that a reinforcer becomes more powerful when we have been without it. Or, as L. Keith Miller puts it:

The more deprived the person, the more effective the reinforcer. (Principles of Everyday Behavior Analysis, 4th ed., p. 234)

We already know this, of course. It’s the same principle that allows sweatshops to exploit poor and desperate people into working long hours for low pay. The workers are so deprived of money, that even a small amount for a backbreaking workload is a sufficiently reinforcing proposition to draw them in.

As I’ve noted previously, the principle of deprivation is sometimes called the principle of satiation. Satiation is the opposite of deprivation, so this is just a conceptualization of the same idea in reverse. A reinforcer will be less effective if it has been heavily received in the recent past. You know how you feel full and sick after eating too much dessert, to the point that even the thought of cake makes you want to vomit? That’s satiation — a previously reinforcing stimulus (cake) has temporarily lost its attractiveness and therefore wouldn’t entice you to do anything to earn it. I could offer you a whole sheet cake just to shake my hand and you probably wouldn’t do it.

And on that note, we wrap up the section on principles of effective consequences. You now know major factors affecting the effectiveness of consequences, so you can use that knowledge to better teach children appropriate behaviors and respond to inappropriate ones.

Next time in Behavior 101, I’ll be discussing the importance of praise, which I’ve mentioned briefly here.

What things does your child not get very often that could be used as a reinforcer for good behavior? Bonus question: do you see how the principle of deprivation relates to the principle of size?

(Image credit: Todd Baker » technowannabe’s flickr. Used under Creative Commons license.)

In Praise of TD Bank (No, Really)

Tue, 25 Sep 2012 15:09:43 -0400

(Before reading on, let me assure you that I am not a shill. Cross my manny heart.)

We New Yorkers make a lot of sacrifices to live in this city. For one, we pay too much money to live in apartments that are too small and always too hot. For another, we often have to put up with subpar customer service and a dearth of available public restrooms.

This latter is a particular nuisance when out and about with young kids, because even with Yoshi doing the Pee Pee Dance before their very eyes, most of the employees in restaurants and stores are still completely adherent to the “Restroom for customers only” sign taped in the window. I’ve bought innumerable cups of coffee that I didn’t need or want, just to gain customer status and bathroom access.

So, you can imagine my predicament when Yoshi complained of needing to pee yesterday while we were at the bank. I was making a deposit at the ATM, and when I looked down at him, I saw the situation was urgent. Legs crossed, grabbing his junk, looking up at me with pleading eyes — this kid was gonna blow. We were a good 15 minute walk from home, the park, everywhere.

It was now or never.

And on that day, it turned out to be my good fortune to be a TD Bank customer.

Now, I had been at the ATM for a few minutes, because I had to make two separate deposits, and I noted that the gentleman who greets people at the door (they have them at every TD branch — I reckon you’d call him a “greeter”) saw me making these transactions. I thought to myself:

Well, it’s pretty clear that I’m a customer, since I’ve been at this ATM so long. I’ve found the staff at most branches to be pretty friendly and helpful on the whole, and the place bills itself as being “the most convenient bank,” what with the dog treats and late hours and what not. I’m sure they have no customer restroom, but I bet they’ll let Yoshi use the employee one.

Whether my thought process was sound or not, I was out of options. He was going to pee in that bank one way or the other. It was really just up to an adult to decide whether he was going to do so on the floor or in the bathroom.

We strolled in, and I asked the greeter if Yoshi might be able to use the restroom. He smiled, seemed a little a doubtful, but walked over and asked the counter supervisor. She looked up from the counter at Yoshi and without hesitation said, “For the little boy? Sure!”

She led us back through a locked door, past the employee lounge and to the bathroom, where Yoshi took care of business. And so, a major incident was avoided.

I didn’t catch her name, but thanks all the same to her and the rest of the staff at the TD Bank branch in ~~[name of borough and neighborhood redacted]~~. They went above and beyond, providing a high level of customer service that it both atypical in New York and exactly what I’ve come to expect from TD Bank. They made this pessimistic manny and his charge very happy, with just a simple act of kindness.

In the words of Shakespeare’s Portia — and Willy Wonka — “so shines a good deed, in a weary world.”

It probably didn’t hurt that Yoshi happens to be adorable.

Have you encountered someone who went out of their way to help you with your child? How about someone who refused to help out of hand?

(Image credit: corrinely’s flickr. Used under Creative Commons license.)

"You don’t know about me!"

Mon, 24 Sep 2012 11:42:30 -0400

““You don’t know about me!””

- Some of the funniest things that kids say are their responses to being corrected, admonished or given an instruction to stop a negative behavior. You can’t laugh, because they’re in trouble, but that little twinge of anger and powerlessness evokes some…unusual responses.

For example, this one from Yoshi when I told him for about the 7th time that it was time to go and he had to stop playing. He shot back with this little dose of defiant braggadocio, which of course made me think of one thing and one thing only:

(H/T to Beyoncé GIFs for…well, the Beyoncé GIF.)

A Moment of Pride

Thu, 20 Sep 2012 12:02:00 -0400

Most days, after picking Salvador up from school, the three of us get a snack together. Sometimes we get hot dogs from the deli across the street, or even candy if I’m feeling indulgent that day, but the pizzeria on the corner is our usual spot. Yesterday, we paid it a visit.

Salvador usually gets pepperoni, but he also likes to peer through the glass, point out one that he thinks looks cool, and say, “That one. With the…stuff on it.” Today, fortunately, that stuff was sausage. Yoshi had his usual plain slice, which he consumed by slapping it against his face until it disappeared. At least, that’s what his chin and cheeks looked like afterward.

Now, this particular pizzeria has two primary means of egress: the main entrance onto the street, and a side door that opens onto a little outside patio eating area. This patio is quite large — it’s another whole lot, I think — and it’s fenced off, but there’s an opening onto the sidewalk. So, if you wanted, you could enter through the front door, eat your food on the patio, and then exit through gate without having to go back inside. Picture this, because it becomes important later.

And so, the three of us sat inside, enjoying our pizza and discussing the plan for the evening, which included a stop for donuts on the way home, followed by homework and my famous homemade Buffalo wings.

Meanwhile, two children who appeared to be brothers, about the same ages as Salvador and Yoshi, were chasing each other through the pizzeria. They would go out through the side door, exit the patio, and run back in the front entrance, then repeat the whole route in a circle. I didn’t notice it at first, but after a few times seeing the same two faces over and over, it got my attention. Then I observed that they were both SCREAMING as they gave chase and that the other one was on a scooter.

Again, take a moment to picture that scene. Two kids, both screaming, the older one running while the younger gave chase on a scooter. What you are picturing should not exactly be a pleasant dining experience.

Soon, a woman at a nearby table had had enough, and when the two kids began a new orbit by going out the side door, she shut the door behind them. The little one came through on his scooter, confronted the closed door and looked confused. The manager behind the counter — who I think is actually the owner — said to him, “Don’t go in and out like that.”

The chasing game stopped after that, and I didn’t see the two brothers anymore.

The woman began griping to the manager/owner. “I love children,” she said, “but I just can’t handle the shrieking. What are the parents doing? Why can’t they just sit at the table calmly? It’s a restaurant, not a playground.”

She went on and on, at times bordering on incessant, although I can’t say she was necessarily wrong. But as she was saying these things, I looked up and took notice of what Salvador and Yoshi were doing. It was then I realized that they were perfect.

They were sitting quietly and calmly, eating their pizza, just like you would want them to. It was stunning how much their behavior resembled the ideal that the woman had just described. I half expected her to acknowledge them and say, “…like how those boys over there are acting.”

She didn’t, but still my heart swelled with a pride a little in that moment. Even though Yoshi and Salvador aren’t my sons, I still consider them my boys, and there they were, being perfect little young men. I couldn’t help but smile at how great that felt. I was proud of them, and although that may seem like a simple thing to be proud of, it was nonetheless important.

When was the last time you felt one of those little twinges of pride in your child(ren)?

(Image credit: LawPrieR’s flickr. Used under Creative Commons license.

Maybe He Was an Apprentice Ghostbuster

Tue, 18 Sep 2012 11:43:00 -0400

I consider my ability and dogged willingness to keep a schedule to be one of my strengths as a manny. There are so many variables when it comes to taking care of kids that things may not go entirely according to plan, but on my watch they at least happen on time, DAMMIT.

That means I have to have a firm grasp on the family’s schedules. What time does Yoshi get out of school? What time does Salvador get out of school? What days does Salvador go to his after school program? When does Mom go to karate? When does everyone have therapy, or doctor’s appointments, or a board meeting? I keep all this data in my head, and I make it my personal mission to see that everything happens when it is supposed to.

Except, of course, last Thursday, when I forgot that Salvador had improv class after school. On Thursdays, I’m supposed to pick Salvador up at 5:00 instead of the usual 4:00. Since I forgot, Yoshi and I arrived an hour early, and I was totally confused as to where Salvador was. I wandered the halls for a good three minutes before realizing.

No big deal, though. There’s a big park just a block away, so Yoshi and I made plans to go there to kill an hour. But first: the bathroom. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about having a 4-year-old in New York, it’s to capitalize on bathroom stops at every opportunity.

So, Yoshi used the little bathroom in the early elementary wing while I waited outside. He’s great about doing everything in there on his own, except those stupid push faucets give him trouble, so I gave him a hand there.

Then, we stopped by the larger bathroom so I could go. (I didn’t feel like peeing from my knees. Plus something about being a grown man in a tiny bathroom creeps me out.)

I had Yoshi come into the bathroom with me, primarily so he wouldn’t wander into the taekwondo class in the gym or bang on the fish tank loud enough to make Mount Wanna-Hock-a-Loogie erupt.

It’s a pretty big bathroom — two urinals two stalls, three sinks — and sometimes there are other kids in there. When that happens, I usually just use a stall, largely because I’m overly paranoid about the appearance of impropriety. But that’s another story for another day.

On this day, there in fact was another child in the bathroom. He was about eight years old. And he was using the urinal. FROM ABOUT 5 FEET AWAY.

I’m going to give you a minute to digest that and get a sense of the distance. In fact, let me help you: he was further from the urinal than he was tall. That is the kind of stream that kid was putting out there.

So, Yoshi and I walk in and catch this kid in the act of super soaking, and you know what he does? Nothing. He looks up at me, smiles, and keeps right on peeing. He was so brazen about it, I was surprised he didn’t challenge me to a sword fight.

It was jarring, to be sure, but I couldn’t even be mad. It was amazing. In terms of accuracy and distance, Peyton Manning has nothing on this little guy.

Honestly, just looking back on it, I’m so distracted that I can’t even figure out how to close out this blog post. There’s no lesson here, no advice to be given out, no moral to the story. I’m just…stunned.

I guess I’ll just do now what I did in the bathroom that day: keep my eyes forward and go into the stall.

What would you have done?

(Image credit: glennwilliamspdx’s flickr. Used under Creative Commons license.)

Ask Manny: "How much TV should my child watch?"

Mon, 17 Sep 2012 12:07:00 -0400

In my regular “Ask Manny” posts, I answer questions from actual parents seeking advice on challenging issues and topics. Last time, we heard from a mom seeking a qualified nanny. If you have parenting paradox of your own that you would like Manny to weigh in on, write to me here. This week, we’re discussing the age old question of TV:

How much TV should my child watch?

In this age of constant media consumption, today’s children have more opportunities to be entertained by screens than ever before — which means the temptation to do so is just as high. Before we get into the discussion of how much TV kids should watch, let’s start with how much they do watch, complete with the obligatory shocking statistics:

The television in an average U.S. home is on for almost 7 hours a day, according to neurologist David Perlmutter.
Children age 2 and up watch nearly 5 hours of TV per day, on average.
The average school age child in America spends about 1500 hours per year watching TV, in contrast to about 900 hours in school, says Perlmutter.

We can go on and on with this, but you get the message: that’s too much. Ask the average parent if (s)he would let their 6-year-old watch 5 hours of TV in a day, and I would bet money that you would hear a resounding “NO!”

So how does this happen? How do we let our kids consume this much media? How do we get it down to a more reasonable level? And, to the reader’s question: what is reasonable?

As regular readers know, I am a self-proclaimed hard ass when it comes to privileges and discipline. As a result, I generally don’t let Yoshi and Salvador watch any TV. That includes Netflix on the iPad, videos on YouTube and video games on the Wii, as well as regular TV. The usual rule is no screen time on a school night.

Still, that’s not always reasonable. And sometimes, I break my own rule. When homework and reading are done, and Mom and Dad won’t be home until later, I’ll give them an hour of TV/video games. They earned it.

More authoritatively, the American Academy of Pediatrics’ recommendation is that children older than 2 view no more than two hours of “quality programming” per day. Children under 2 should not watch any TV, according to those same recommendations.

So where does that leave us? We know that 5 hours of TV is too much, and while some parents and experts will advocate that zero screen time is the best solution, we all need to be serious and realistic here. Sometimes, we all need a break. And a lot of times, that means plopping the kid in front of the TV or computer so that they will stop driving us nuts and we can think one simple thought for five minutes.

And that’s OK. Seriously, parenting is hard work. I’m not even a parent and I recognize how difficult it is. Hell, the reason I’m good with other people’s kids is that I can give them back. Parents don’t get to do that, so sometimes just keeping everyone alive is an accomplishment.

Long story short, somewhere around 2 hours of TV is about right, depending on your kid’s age, development and maturity. But don’t treat that as a hard and fast number. Use your judgment. Know your kids. Pay attention to them. If 30 minutes of some digital visual stimulation will help everyone get through the day, flip the TV on.

If you notice that your child is starting to take on the traits of a drug addict — blank stare, irritable mood, not eating for stretches of time — then they’ve had too much. Turn the TV off and send them outside.

Television is like ice cream. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing in and of itself, but when we let consumption become a habit rather than a privilege, reward or break from routine, problems arise. If you wouldn’t give your child four scoops of ice cream every day, then don’t let them watch that much TV every day.

What rules do you have about TV and video games in your house? What steps do you take to limit screen time and keep it from getting out of hand?

(Image credit: Michael Bentley’s flickr. Used under Creative Commons license.)

I Am the Youngest Grandfather Alive

Fri, 14 Sep 2012 12:31:51 -0400

I have made passing mention of my fiance a few times in passing in previous posts, but I haven’t formally introduced you all to her. That’s a glaring oversight on my part. After all, she’s part of my life, so she should be part of yours.

In actuality, many of you have met her before. Her name is Savannah, and she is the owner/curator/writer/HBIC of the Savvy Pants blog. (Look at that picture in the sidebar. Are’t I just the luckiest Manny around?) She also guest posted for me a few weeks back. It’s all coming together now, isn’t it?

Savannah and I are getting married in May (WHEEEE!!!), and since we’re doing the whole “planning the rest of our lives together” thing, we speculate as to what our children will be like, how we’ll perform as parents and what we’ll eventually be like as grandparents. We agree that while she will be the sweet and nice granny who plays with the kids and generally spoils them — think something like Glinda, the Good Witch of the North — I will be a curmudgeonly old coot whose brain is on the fritz.

”But we don’t wanna go visit Grandpa Manny,” the grandkids will cry out. “Grandma Savvy is nice, but Grandpa always makes us get him whiskey and his beard smells like cheese!”

This is my lot in life, and I’ve accepted it as an eventuality. But something happened yesterday to make me concerned that the future is coming faster than I ever suspected. Let me tell you the story.

It was a day like any other weekday. I picked up Yoshi from kindergarten, and from there we hopped on the subway to go meet Salvador at his elementary school. The trip is something like a dozen stops, so it takes 25-30 minutes. During this time, Yoshi either naps — meaning I get to read — or we talk and play. Yesterday was the latter; he was wide awake.

So, we chatted about school, he showed me all the toys in his backpack, we talked about the plan for the rest of the evening — you know, the usual. His conversation skills are getting quite good, so I like to engage him as much as possible.

As we neared our stop, our talking hit a lull as I made ready to leave. I helped Yoshi put his toys away, and then I went to put something or other in my own back, when I realized my arm was wet. I looked over to my left, where the moisture had come from, and saw that Yoshi WAS LICKING ME!

Yep, in that 30 seconds he had gotten bored, and started lapping at my triceps like a kitten at a saucer of milk. It was a pretty funny scene, so I laughed, which was obviously a mistake, but whatever. When kids do funny things, I laugh, behaviorism be damned. As long as a joke is funny, all I can really say by way of chastising is, “Work on your timing.”

So, we laughed about it, and Yoshi licked me again, because obviously my laughter made it more fun and made it seem OK to do. I told him that was enough, that it was funny, but it was time to stop.

As anyone who has ever interacted with a 4-year-old knows, of course that had no effect. He licked again.

To let Yoshi know I was serious, I hunkered down a bit and drew my face close to his. I lowered my voice to almost a whisper. I call this my “anti-yell” — it lets the kids know I mean business, but in the calmest way possible. It’s chilling how effective it can be.

“Yoshi, it’s time to stop that now,” I told him. “It was funny, but it’s really not nice to lick people, because you have germs in your mouth that are yucky and people don’t want those on them. That’s why they’re in your mouth. Do you understand?”

I always ask for acknowledgment at the end of a little speech like that, because Yoshi and Salvador both tend to look away when they feel scolded, so I want to make sure they are listening. This time, Yoshi maintained eye contact, but he also grimaced and held his nose.

“I don’t like when you talk to me like that,” he complained, “because I can smell your beard.”

The future is now, apparently. And all I could do was laugh. And tell him to work on his timing.

(Image credit: Hey Paul’s flickr. Used under Creative Commons license.)

Money for Nothing, and the Playground is Free

Thu, 13 Sep 2012 12:41:14 -0400

Money for Nothing, and the Playground is Free:

Do you hate having to supervise your kids?

Do you also hate money?

Then boy howdy, have I got a deal for you! By following this link, you can, for the bargain basement price of $350, have someone not watch your kids.

You read that correctly: Lenore Skenazy, a columnist from New York City, will gladly accept your cash payment of 350 American dollars, and in return, she will agree to not supervise your kids. From Lenore’s website:

Parents must sign a waiver that absolves me of anything and everything — see the name of this class! — and payment is $350 (cash or check; scholarships available for the asking) for 8 sessions: Weds. Sept 12 – Nov. 7, with a week “off” on Sept 26 for Yom Kipur. On Weds., Oct. 31 kids can play as usual, or they can go trick or treat together.

Why a fee? Well, why not? I’d love to make a living bringing kids back outside to play. But also: Parents are used to paying for classes. Pay for something and you put it on your calendar. It’s a commitment. And when you pay, you expect to get something in return.

Your children will — and so will you.

I honestly can’t tell whether this is satire, but in any event, it’s pretty clever. Even if Skenazy is joking, I am willing to bet that after having her site mentioned on Gothamist, she’s gotten enough attention that some number of neurotic NYC parents will pony up.

Of course, I won’t be the one to pooh pooh the idea — my feelings on helicopter parents are well-documented, so I say let the kids run free. And if you can get some suckers to pay you — an otherwise disinterested party — for the privilege, then by all means, go right ahead. This is America.

Joking aside, Skenazy does make some very good points about the benefits of unsupervised play in for children, as well as the relative safety thereof (follow the links for full background):

Welcome to the first after-school class that lets kids play outside, together, unsupervised — the greatest developmental boon a parent can give a child!

…

While many people think that children being someplace with “strangers all around” is dangerous, actually it means there are people all around who can help if anything goes wrong. Central Park is the safest precinct in New York, which is the safest large city in the country.

So, while I mock the idea of shelling out cash just to have your kids play freely, I defend the general practice entirely. Seriously, your kids will be fine at the park for an hour by themselves.

On the other hand, if you prefer to pay out in order to feel like you’re getting something in return, you can always hire me. I’m cheaper, and I have a book I’ve been meaning to finish with that spare time.

Behavior 101: The Principle of Size

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 13:47:25 -0400

A little over a month ago, back when I first introduced you to the principles of effective consequences, I defined the principle of size as follows:

A consequence is more effective when it matches the behavior in magnitude. In other words, does the punishment fit the crime?

If you’ve read/watched my previous in-depth posts on the principles of immediacy and contingency, it won’t surprise you when I tell you that there’s a little more to it than that.

Or, put another way, I lied again. Sorry. It was just a little one, and I’m going to clear it up right now. First, let me give you another description of the principle of size, paraphrased from L. Keith Miller’s Principles of Everyday Behavior Analysis:

The more worthwhile the amount of a reinforcer, the more effective the reinforcer. (p. 287)

[A punisher] will be more effective the greater the size. (p. 413)

Strip out the jargon and Miller’s sometimes arcane style, and we can define the whole thing even more simply: bigger consequences work better.

Going back to my example of cleaning the gutters, which reward is more reinforcing for the behavior of cleaning gutters: $5 or $500? Which one is more likely to make you want to do the job again? Obviously the bigger one.

Likewise, when we deal with punishment, a $500 fine is a much bigger deterrent than a $5 one.

Essentially, children engage in cost-benefit analyses every day, weighing the potential pros and cons of a given behavior. If the expected punishment for a negative behavior is perceived as being large enough, then they won’t do it.

For example, a class clown might act up in class if the attention he gets from classmates is rewarding enough for him (remember back to functions of behavior) that it outweighs the punishment of being scolded by the teacher.

The trick, then, when trying to change children’s behavior, is to use consequences that are large enough to actually bring about a change. In other words, they need to want those rewards and they need to feel the sting — figuratively — of those punishments.

One caveat: beware going too big with any one consequence. In the description above, it says simply that bigger consequences are more effective. While that’s basically true, consequences that go overboard can cause bigger problems. Using a punishment that is too harsh can stop the behavior, but it can also demotivate children and lead to them acting out in other ways. Likewise, using extravagant rewards causes children to set expectations too high, which can cause other behaviors to deteriorate. (I mentioned this effect briefly in my video on the principle of contingency.)

As a general rule, you want to use the smallest consequence possible that still works to change the behavior.

What consequences do you use with your children? Have you ever tried one that turned out not too work biggest it wasn’t “large” enough?

(Image credit: flikr’s flickr. Used under Creative Commons license)

From Cribs to Car Seats: Where to Rent Baby Gear (NY and NJ)

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 13:14:39 -0400

From Cribs to Car Seats: Where to Rent Baby Gear (NY and NJ):

Another short post that I my alter ego wrote for HumptyDumptyParent.com, listing some resources for renting strollers, cribs, car seats and other baby gear. It’s geared toward parents in New York and New Jersey, but there are also some places that have locations nationally, which is awesome for when you’re taking a vacation. Sure beats having to pay a hefty baggage fee to check the stroller!