Would You Put Your Child on a Leash?

This post started off innocently enough – something about cute dinosaurs at the Royal Tyrell Museum in Drumheller, Alberta. But then my mind wandered (like minds do) and I ended up focusing on this:

It’s a kid. On a leash. Oh, and a dinosaur at the Royal Tyrell Museum. (Sorry for the poor resolution – I was in stealth mode.)

Now while I don’t have kids, and I probably never will, I couldn’t help but think back to the last time I saw a fellow primate on a leash:

That was in Koh Libong, Thailand. And it made me cringe.

To Leash or Not to Leash (your kids, your monkey…)

I’m having a hard time processing what’s going on in these two photos.

I know most of the folks that normally read this blog would look at the monkey photo and think — That’s wrong, the poor monkey, whoever did that should be shot.

But what about the first photo? What are your thoughts on that one?

The monkey’s probably thinking — I’m a monkey, I should be free.

The kid? Probably the same thing (except of course the I’m a monkey bit).

In the 8+ months I spent travelling through Asia, not once did I see a kid on a leash. (Well, not an Asian kid anyway). Kids were kids – like I was when I was their age. If I ran off from my parents, I learned pretty quickly not to do that again. And if my parents thought I might run off, well, they just didn’t take me there in the first place. No leash needed.

A Leash By Any Other Name

Parents don’t like to call it a leash of course. It’s a “child harness” or a “child safety harness” or — my personal favourite — the “Mommy’s Helper Kid Keeper Safety Harness”.

But I’ll defer definition to the pros. Merriam-Webster defines leash as:

A: a line for leading or restraining an animal

B: something that restrains : the state of being restrained <keeping spending on a tight leash>

There’s something just a little icky about the whole leash business. But what do I know? Like I said, I don’t have kids.

I just know that if I were that kid on a leash, I’d probably want to run away even more so. Same if I were that monkey.

You Take the Reigns

Now I’d like to hear from you. Just a quick informal poll to see if you believe putting your child on a leash is okay.

And I’d love to hear your comments.

Have you used a leash on your child?

Do you think it’s wrong to do so?

Do you use a leash on your child when you travel?

Can you not wait until my next post where I don’t talk about kids?

Let me know.

–Your obedient servant, Raymond

National Geographic Channel’s Locked Up Abroad

I’ve been known to shake some shackles in my day. It’s even my tagline above – “Shake the Shackles. Escape through Travel.” But I’ve never actually spent any time in the clink. Well, hardly any.

My hard time was self-imposed, not court ordered. And it was served in a cubicle-shaped cell, not a real one.

But there are plenty of poor sods out there who have done a stint or two in the big house. And more than enough of those poor sods have been travellers.

And for some reason, that fascinates me.

So when the folks at the National Geographic Channel asked if I would preview an upcoming episode of Locked Up Abroad, and then write some tips on How NOT to Get Locked Up Abroad, well, I was all over it like an inmate on a cake file.

First off, I love the show, ever since it was called Banged Up Abroad. It’s addictive. It’s gritty. It’s suspenseful. And it leaves you thinking, What if that were me?

And also, Thank God it’s not.

If you’re not familiar with Locked Up Abroad, it’s about people like you and me, except they’re behind bars in a foreign country. So maybe not so much like me. (I won’t presume to speak for you.)

Some have been kidnapped, some have “accidentally” swallowed condom after cocaine-filled condom, but they all face the same fate – dismal grey cells, some serious hard time, and an understandable fear of shower time.

The episode I previewed is called Black Palace of Horrors. Here’s the show synopsis from National Geographic Channel:

Only two people have ever escaped from Lecumberri Prison: the infamous “Black Palace” of Mexico. 

One was Pancho Villa. The other was Dwight Worker.

In December 1973, Dwight Worker is busted in Mexico City smuggling cocaine to America under a phony shoulder cast. When he’s sent to Lecumberri Prison, the notorious ‘Black Palace’ prison of Mexico, his life becomes a living hell. After fighting off a gang of rapists, a near fatal stabbing in the stomach and a stint in the psychiatric ward, he vows to get out or die trying. But there he meets Barbara Chilcoate, a visitor to the prison.  They fall in love and together execute one of the most audacious prison breaks ever made.  On his wedding day in prison, Dwight attempts to escape while dressed and made up as a woman.

Here’s a sneak-a-peek at the she-nanigans…

(If the video is not displaying above, you can click through to it at: http://video.nationalgeographic.com/video/national-geographic-channel/shows/locked-up-abroad-1/ngc-cross-dressing-escape-plan)

While I believe that only professionals should engage in cross-dressing, you have to hand it to Dwight. Life gave him lemons, and in turn, he made lamé.

And though I do think Dwight’s jail time was justified – he did attempt to smuggle a crap-load of coke northbound after all – his treatment in the Mexican penal system, the lack of a trial, and that whole attempted gang rape thing, make it easy to see why he was keen to escape.

The entire episode is a nail-biter (which I don’t recommend if you’re a gent apt to sporting nail polish on a Friday night).

So how do you avoid getting sent up the river in the first place? Here are my two cents…

How NOT to Get Locked Up Abroad

A Drug by Any Other Name…is Still a Drug

Tango & Cash is not a movie. Aunt Nora is not that annoying lady that pinches your cheeks at weddings. Hamburger Helper does not spice up your ground beef. And Somali Tea is not something you’d share with your grandma. At least, please don’t share it with my grandma.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, perhaps you need the Drug Slang Translator. It’s got the real name of every drug from Disco Biscuits to Scooby Snacks. (I think I just gave myself the munchies.)

The point here is be aware — something as innocuous sounding as pancakes and syrup (it’s a combination of glutethimide and codeine cough syrup) can spell serious trouble. Know what you’re ordering, transporting, or (God forbid) snorting. Or better yet, best just stick to water. (What’s that? Water is also the street name for PCP, GHP, meth, OR a mixture of marijuana and other substances within a cigar?)

Never mind.

The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

In every ‘wrongfully imprisoned’ movie or TV show, there’s always that one pivotal interrogation scene where the commandante (polizia, guerrilla, cafeteria lunch lady, etc.) beats our hero within an inch of his life, then presents him with an official looking document (aka confession) and forces him to sign it.

To sign or not to sign?

What would you do? Sign it, and get tossed in the slammer for the rest of your days? Or not sign it, and get tossed in the slammer for the rest of your days?

This one’s a right pickle.

My advice? Sign it.

But instead of your signature, write something whimsical like “I’m a little teapot short and stout.” Might as well go for the insanity defense straight out the gate.

What If That Fails?

If you have done your homework, shown due diligence, exhausted the insanity defence, and still find yourself on your way to prison, there is only one choice really. It’s illegal. It’s unethical, immoral, unthinkable. A thing so horribly ghastly that it’s much worse than any four-letter word. It’s a five-letter word.

Bribe.

Bribe like your life depended upon it. Because honestly, it probably does.

Watch Locked Up Abroad: Black Palace of Horrors
Wednesday, May 23, at 10pm ET/PT on National Geographic Channel

The Holy Land Experience, Orlando, Florida 

“We get accused of being a little too Catholic,” Jane from The Holy Land Experience Guest Services confesses to me as we enter the pearly gates (okay, so maybe it’s just a turnstile). 

As a former altar boy, Vice-President of the Corpus Christi Youth Committee, and – are you ready for this – one-time Secretary/Treasurer of an outfit called the Legion of Mary, I thought, “I’ll be the judge of that.” You can take the boy out of the church, but — try as I might — it’s a heck of a lot harder to take the church out of the boy.

And now as a self-proclaimed kitsch hound, on a self-appointed quest for quirkiness, I find myself genuflecting before the high altar of oddities.

The Holy Grail of Hokey, this is The Holy Land Experience.

The Best Little Biblical Theme Park This Side of Galilee

I must admit to having little idea about the holy goings-on alongside Orlando’s I-4 . So before I made my pilgrimage to the promised land, I wanted to know what I was getting myself into, and more practically, what I should wear.

Should I dress for church or Splash Mountain?

I’m pretty certain sandals are okay.

Let It Be Written

So I did what many a troubled soul does when finding themselves in need of guidance – I turned to the internet. Specifically, I relied on some divine passages from the books of TripAdvisor and Yelp to lead me.

Devotees trumpeted the praises, while detractors proclaimed a litany of cons.

A reading from the Letter of David to the Yelp-ians objects to “…the extensive use of sequins that seems to dominate many of the current cast’s wardrobe.” On the same page, an epistle according to Christin preaches, “This place was amazing. We had such a wonderful time. The actors were more than just actors but individuals who actually ministered through there performance. This is a must do.”

What’s a lapsed Catholic to believe?

So I dug a little deeper. Here’s a sampling of what others had to say:

• Tim of the Wisconsinites implores, “…may the tables of these money changers be turned over for good. Don’t waste your money, don’t cheapen your faith — stay away from this sham.”

• “I eat a very clean diet (as directed by God), but was informed I could not bring any outside food or drinks.” — Jeff P. via Yelp

• “We were pleasantly surprised that parking was free. That was the highlight of our day.” – We_Are_M from TripAdvisor

• “Even the camels had sequins. My children who are home schooled and as well taught the word of our Lord daily through the Bible and living our faith, questioned the authenticity of the display and how it played in religious history.”  — Jackie5LilRascals from TripAdvisor (She does however go on to say ”…save your money for SEA WORLD, where at least you can marvel at God’s creation for the entire day.” so perhaps we should take her comments with a grain of Lot’s wife.)

• “Spooky, spooky, spooky place.” — Drew C. via Yelp

It’s like they’re speaking in tongues.

What a Trend We Have in Jesus

Many of the comments though spoke more about the nature of the commenter than the nature of the park.

So I turned to the Gospel according to the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN) – the current owners of The Holy Land Experience — for intel. Here’s what their website had to say about it’s humble beginnings.

“The Holy Land Experience was born in the heart of a Jewish believer named Marvin Rosenthal. In 1989 he came to Orlando, purchased property on the I-4 corridor to world famous theme parks, and began to put his vision to work. God had given him a two-fold purpose: to proclaim the Gospel to as many people as possible; and to help believers have a better understanding of the Judaistic roots out of which Christianity grew. Toward that end, the Holy Land Experience was born. The park opened February 5, 2001. It exceeded every expectation.”

Although informative, I’m still no closer to resolving the hemline debate. (In the end, I opted for shorts.)

 But perhaps the best advice came from the cheery sounding Ivan Blossoms on TripAdvisor:

“…be able to lay aside your purist tendencies and just go with the flow.”

Judge not lest thou be judged? Hmmm. That’s got a nice ring to it. I wonder if it’ll catch on.

In any case, I can’t wait to show you what’s inside.

This is Part One of a two-part series on The Holy Land Experience. Stay tuned for Part Two!

My trip to Orlando was part of the Aeroplan Welcome Aboard Event. In addition to hotels and car rentals, Aeroplan has more than 60+ gift cards available to its members. For example, 13,500 Aeroplan miles will get you a $250 AMEX gift card to spend on anything, including admission to the Holy Land Experience.

Unique, Unusual, & Offbeat Things to Do in Paris

Paris is famed for its architecture, museums, and food, but there’s so much more to explore in the City of Lights than just the guidebook must-sees. Here are some of the more quirky things to do in Paris to really make your visit memorable.

1. Le Musée de la Poupée

Le Musée de la Poupée, or Doll Museum, is a little creepy — unintentionally of course. But there’s no easy way to pull off a building overflowing with dolls, unless you’re Barbie. Father and son team Guido and Samy Odin house their private collection at this quirky museum. Doll devotees can also see temporary exhibits that pass through its doors, like the current Baby Boom or the Made in Italy collection. G.I. Joe aficionados may feel a little left out, if not a little out of place.

2. Musée de la Magie

From optical illusions to all things alchemy, La Musée de la Magie (Museum of Magic) will have you disappearing into its interactive displays faster than you can say, “Abracadabra!” Posters and paraphernalia from illusionists as far back as the 18th century are all part of the box of tricks this colourful museum has to offer. You can even take a class at the attached Academie de Magie (Academy of Magic) if you want to learn some sleight of hand for yourself.

3. Musée des Vampires et Monstres de L’imaginaire

While technically not located in Paris (it’s in Lilas, just outside) Le Musée des Vampires et Monstres de L’imaginaire (Museum of Vampires and Imaginary Monsters) is well worth the trip if you’re a into Vampiric Studies (Vampirology? Vamping?), and even if you’re not. Although (thankfully) there are no Twilight posters, there is plenty of Dracula-related documentation, including the signature of every actor who’s played Dracula in the movies. Plus there’s a mummified cat.

And like all hotels in Paris, reservations well in advance are a must.

4. Human Zoos

The Musée du quai Branly is home to a temporary exhibit bound to inform as well as outrage. Human Zoos: The Invention of the Savage takes us through the history of men, women, and children transplanted from their home Africa, Asia, Oceania and parts of America to be displayed in Western circuses, zoos, theaters, fairs and the like.

A series of painting , posters, photos, costumes, videos and more gives you a glimpse into the “entertainment” of exploitation. From the museum’s own description: “The exhibition explores the sometimes fine lines between exotic individuals and freaks, science and voyeurism, exhibitionism and spectacle.”

This is one exhibit bound to have you rethinking your own perspective on what constitutes entertainment.

5. Les Catacombes de Paris

Les Catacombes de Paris (The Catacombs of Paris) are arguably the most mainstream attraction in this list of quirky things to do in Paris. Stretching for kilometres underneath the 14th Arrondissement, these long and winding tunnels lined with millions of human bones are not for the claustrophobic, nor the squeamish. The bulk of these earthly remains made their way here from Le Cimetière des Innocents where overcrowding became an issue in the 18th century, though over the years many other cemeteries added their overflow here as well.

What quirky things to do in Paris have you done?

Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump, Alberta, Canada

A place where hundreds of bison stampede to their deaths clear off the brink of a cliff? Then locals carve up every last bit of the carcasses? Well that’s cool – in an grisly, sadistic, do-you-really-need-all-those-buffalo sort of way.

Practiced by natives on the plains of North America for close to 6,000 years, the custom was a huge part of their livelihood, and the proceeds from these mass slaughters resulted in the mainstay of their winter diet.

So what made them stop? Well, in no particular order: horses, beavers, and the white man. And of course, a brink of a different kind – extinction.

But I’ll get to all that in a bit.

Give Me a Plain, Where the Buffalo’s Slain

So how did the natives manage to lure the buffalo over the edge? The folks at UNESCO (Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump has been a UNESCO World Heritage Site since 1981) described it best:

“To start the hunt, ‘buffalo runners’, young men trained in animal behaviour, would entice the herd to follow them by imitating the bleating of a lost calf. As the buffalo moved closer to the drive lanes (long lines of stone cairns were built to help the hunters direct the buffalo to the cliff kill site), the hunters would circle behind and upwind of the herd and scare the animals by shouting and waving robes. As the buffalo stampeded towards the edge of the cliff, the animals in front would try to stop but the sheer weight of the herd pressing from behind would force the buffalo over the cliff.” 

Source: UNESCO/CLT/WHC

The Blackfoot Indians had a keen understanding of the land and the nature of the bison. And the buffalo had two key weaknesses they were able to take advantage of – poor eyesight (they thought the rock formations were solid walls) and parental instinct (their concern for the lost calf).

Indians: 1, Buffalo: 0.

The tastefully designed interpretive centre at the former kill site is well worth the $10 admission (5 bucks for kids). It’s built into the hill alongside the cliff and meshes perfectly with the environment.

Buffalo Stance

So how do horses, beavers, and whitey figure into all this? You see white men liked to please white ladies, so they hunted beavers for their fur (well THAT didn’t quite come out right). When beaver numbers dwindled, whitey took a shining to buffalo fur. And since whitey also introduced the horse into mix, making hunting for buffalo a heck of a lot easier, native Indians abandoned the traditional method, and the buffalo numbers took a serious decline.

At one point, estimates had between 70 million to 150 million bison roaming the plains. At their lowest point, less than 1000.

They’re hovering somewhere around 500,000 nowadays.

Located about 2 hours south of Calgary, the area around Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump offers some pretty spectacular views. If you want to take your time to explore the area, the closest hotel options are in Fort Macleod, but there are some cozy camping options available closer to the site.

Quiz Time

So how did Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump get its name?

It’s not what you think.

Legend has it that a young boy wandered too close the bottom of the cliff during one of the hunts. When they found his body…well…you can pretty much guess the rest from there. The Blackfoot Indians called it Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump ever since.

What’s worse? I left here craving a bison burger.

Offbeat, Unique, & Unusual Things to do in Brisbane

If the life of a Brisbane beach bum is getting a little old, and you’re open to experiencing some of the more quirky things to do in Brisbane, check out this list guaranteed to give you something besides your tan to talk about:

1. Ecclectica Esoteric Books & Curiosities

More than just a bookstore, Ecclectica Esoteric Books & Curiosities houses all manner of oddities and peculiarities. From tarot cards, to books on orbs, to Colonel James Fizziwig’s Concealable Ossotronic Disrupter (it’s a Steampunk Blaster that fits nicely in your muff, handbag – or even girdle — in case you were wondering), this bookshop is bound to keep you occupied for quite some time.

Ecclectica Esoteric Books & Curiosities — 631 Boundary Street West End, Brisbane, QLD 4101 (+61 7 3844 1887)

2. Ghost Tours

If you’ve set your sights on spotting a spook, a haunted hike through Brisbane’s CBD may be just what the doctor ordered. Ghost Tours is a company whose aim is to offer you a glimpse into Brisbane’s nocturnal ghost activity. Ghost tours and ghost hunts for all ages await to bring out the paranormal in you.

Ghost Tours Pty — +61 7 3344 7265

3. Fly a Jet Airliner

Expand your horizons with some time in a cockpit flight simulator with the folks at Flight Experience. With 180° external visuals that accurately represent the terrain to photo realistic quality, countless flight tracks and routes, and your choice of over 24,000 airports to fly in and out of, the sky’s the limit with this experience.

Flight Experience — Shop 2, 53 Commercial Road, Newstead QLD 4006  (+61 7 3252 7337)

4. Queensland Police Museum

The Queensland Police Museum includes some 25 displays detailing the heritage of the police force, notorious crimes in the Queensland area, and police investigative techniques. Further displays describe the history of police women and the police force’s canine unit. They even have a simulated murder scene for you to get your CSI fix.

Queensland Police Headquarters — 200 Roma Street, Ground Floor, Brisbane QLD 4000 (+61 7 3364 6464)

5. The Loo With a View

If you’re looking some of the more scenic Brisbane accommodation, the Regatta Hotel will give you plenty to gawk at – it was named to the now infamous list of Loos with a View from Lonely Planet and the BBC a few years back. The men’s room in the hotel sports a urinal with a one-way glass that allows gentleman to take in the views of patrons seated outside. Hotel staff have even been known to clear the washroom so the ladies can get a peek too.

The Regatta Hotel — 543 Coronation Drive, Toowong QLD 4064 (+61 7 3871 9595)

What quirky things to do in Brisbane have you heard of?

Dinh Cau Night Market, Phu Quoc, Vietnam

Who am I kidding? I don’t know a cockle from a clam. And I can barely identify a mussel from an oyster. All I can recall is that Molly Malone song from elementary school choir practice. But in my defense, I’ve confessed in the past that I am no foodie.

I still have to eat though.

The Dinh Cau Night Market on the island of Phu Quoc in Vietnam is jammed with hawkers selling just about anything that creeped, crawled, or just came from the sea.

Including sea urchins.

And these clammy, shelly, cockle-y things.

They even have just regular old fish if you’re not feeling that adventurous.

But I would still like to know what I ate.

Can you help a brother out?

If you know your way around a cockle (and I mean that literally ), leave a comment below with what you know.

This post is part of Budget Travelers Sandbox Travel Photo Thursday. Check out the photos from some great travel bloggers.

The World’s Largest McDonald’s, Orlando, Florida

Okay yes, I went to McDonald’s, so shoot me. No, seriously — someone please shoot me. I think there’s a gun shop around the corner. I mean, this is America.

I had heard that the World’s Largest McDonald’s restaurant was in Orlando, and since my hotel (the lovely Westin Imagine Orlando) was just down the road, I popped by to get my grease on. Plus they had pizza.

Even though the bulk of McDonald’s restaurants on the planet stopped serving McPizza back in the mid-90s, this location on Sand Lake Road in Orlando has a Gourmet Menu with all sorts of delights you won’t find at a lesser McDonald’s.

Eggs Benedict Panini anyone?

Did you notice the Cup of Dirt under the For Kids Only section? Damn kids get all the good stuff.

The World’s Largest Entertainment McDonald’s & PlayPlace

This location also bills itself as The World’s Largest Entertainment & PlayPlace McDonald’s which, for the purposes of anyone who’s thinking of having kids, is the ideal place to drop by to see what you’re getting yourself into.

Here’s a test for you — what do you notice about the photo below?

If you said “the cute little girl playing Deal or No Deal,” then congratulations are in order — it’s time to ditch the birth control. I wish you only the best with your TV/video game-addicted spawn.

If like me you said, “The Exit” then let’s head out that door arm-in-arm! Hopefully it leads to a vasectomy/tube-tying facility. I think I may even have a coupon.

Okay maybe it’s not that bad. It’s a little dated, a little crowded (with both people and junk), and there’s just not a lot to do for a big galoot like me. Other than scarf down my meal and wish I was somewhere else. Like Legoland. Or the Holy Land. Or some far off distant McDonald’s-free land.

The entire second floor is devoted to games for kids – over 100 midway-type arcade games in all. But even with all those flashing lights, it’s creepily dark up there. I’m not saying that there are carnies hiding in the shadows (although that is a distinct possibility) but I certainly hope there are flashlights in those Happy Meals.

The place could certainly use a bit of a refresh. It looks like most of the games have seen better days. Much like this helmeted Ronald McDonald with a missing hand.

Which led me to think what poor Ronnie had done to deserve such punishment.

“As to the thief, male or female, cut off his or her hands: a punishment by way of example, from Allah, for their crime…” – Quran 5:38

And what’s this? The Statue of Liberty swathed in an American flag, a half-lit marquee, AND a Christmas light-lined cage filled with stuffed animals? Ba da ba ba bah – I’m Lovin’ It!

Yes, those are hands coming out of the wall. I guess that does make it unique.

I thought that these might be American President bobbleheads hovering over the stairs, but after seeing number 2 (who looks nothing like Obama), I was puzzled.

So I asked around on Facebook. Best answer goes to Coastal Confessions Travel Blog who responded with Sam Kinison, Bill Cosby, Ron White, Steve Jobs, and Dave Grohl. Although I think number 4 could be David Letterman. And number 5 could be a tribute to the Amish as a whole.

And this must be the section where they dole out the punishment.

And what aging McDonald’s would be complete without a bowlegged Mac Tonight?

And a cross-legged Ronald.

I had thought about coming back and spray-painting the word “Flee” in place of the word “See”, but since they’re open 24 hours, I thought the odds of getting busted were pretty high.

Plus if I had to suffer through it, so should others. I’m a big fan of bearing witness.

So I know what you’re thinking – what about the “For Now” bit in the title of this post? Well it seems this McDonald’s will only be able to hold onto the reign for another few months. According to the UK’s Daily Mail, A massive 1500-seat McDonald’s is set to open in London near the site of the London 2012 Olympics, making it the World’s Biggest McDonald’s by a pretty large margin.

I wonder if they’ll serve edible medals?

My trip to Orlando was provided by Aeroplan as part of the Aeroplan Welcome Aboard Event. In addition to hotels (like the Westin Imagine Orlando) and car rentals, Aeroplan has more than 60+ gift cards available to its members. For example, 13,500 Aeroplan miles will get you a $250 AMEX gift card to spend on anything – just please don’t spend it all at McDonald’s.

Miniland USA, Legoland, Florida

Charlie Chaplin once said, “Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.”

That may be true of the movies, but the reverse is the case at Legoland Florida’s Miniland USA. According to the Fun Facts posted around the park, over 100 Master Builders from North America, Europe, and Asia worked for two years to complete the Miniland USA attraction at Florida’s newest theme park. Thankfully some of those builders had a pretty good, and sometimes twisted, sense of humour.

Check out some of their curious creations below.

1. The Suspicious Ice Cream Truck

I Scream, U Scream, but notice how this truck mentions nothing about ice cream? Nice touch with the child running away and the police officer approaching though.

2. The Heimlich Maneuver – Lego-style

A Lego artisan’s rendering of a sidewalk café date gone horribly wrong gets big points for storytelling: knocked over plants, abdominal thrust, right down to the expelled object. Sadly, I think it’s a just a croissant.  That’s too bad — the irony of a Lego choking on a small child would have been sublime.

3. Crazy Cat Lady

So just how many cats do you need before you’re considered a crazy cat lady? Fifteen according to the folks at Legoland. Plenty of curlers helps too.

4. Lego Man vs. Lego Shark

Life’s got you over a barrel, and just when you thought things can’t get worse, there’s a shark that spots your Lego-y legs. Nice.

5.The Public Hanging

I’m sure many parents wanted to do this to themselves after having to spend the entire day at Legoland surrounded by screaming kids.

6. Walking the Plank

They don’t take too kindly to pirates at Legoland. Although what appears to be Lego WaterWings are markedly improving this guy’s chances of ending up in a watery grave.

7. You’ve Got Crabs

That’s what you get for wearing a Speedo.

8. The Hot Firemen

“Mom, can I get the Beefy Shirtless Firemen Party Lego set for Christmas this year?”

9. Lego Stickman

Is he bowing for the ladies, or the gentleman behind him? Hmmm…

10. The Lego Wedding

Nothing says love like a wedding ceremony performed by a dwarf.

11. The Fountain of Youth

Just up the road from Legoland Florida is the town of St. Augustine, former haunt of Ponce de León and home of his supposed discovery – the Fountain of Youth, now an Archaeological Park. Let’s hope Poncey would have been proud of Lego’s interpretation with the elderly making their way to the fountain of youth, shedding their clothes, and ending up all Benjamin Button on the grass.

12. The Suspicious Ice Cream Truck – Part 2

Take 2 of the I Scream, U Scream saga takes part outside a, ahem,  “Forever 12” store. Really? At the least the cops are close at hand here too.

The folks at Aeroplan provided me with a ticket for Legoland as part of the Aeroplan Welcome Aboard Event. If you are an Aeroplan member, and are balking at the $75 adult admission fee for Legoland Florida (65 bucks for kids), you can redeem 9500 Aeroplan miles for an adult ticket or 8000 Aeroplan miles for a child ticket to Legoland Florida — it’s part of the experiential rewards available to all Aeroplan members.

SeaWorld Orlando: Dolphins vs. Whales

There’s something vaguely smug about dolphins. That eternal smirk. Those DiCaprio-esque dimples. That glossy coat. Is it even called a coat? Probably not. In any case, they are just too shiny. Too smarmy. Too…perfect. That’s it. They’re too perfect.

They’ve got to be up to something.

If you look closely, this fella even has a sparkle on his forehead.

How is that even possible?

If the dolphin is the Leonardo DiCaprio of the deep, its cohort at the Blue Horizons Show at SeaWorld Orlando – the false killer whale – is more like a young Lyle Lovett. Unquestionably talented. Cringingly disproportionate. And oh-so British in the teeth department.

Toss in a face only a mother, or Julia Roberts (or a hungry Eskimo) could love, and you’ve got a beast that’s got underdog written all over it.

Still, everyone loves an underdog. And I am no exception. So when Aeroplan gave me a ticket to check out SeaWorld Orlando, I headed over to the Whale and Dolphin Theater to watch these two mammoth talents go head-to-head. Or snout-to-snout.

I’m calling this one Leo vs. Lyle.

The backdrop for this mammalian match is the Blue Horizons set, designed by the same chap who did Beauty and the Beast on Broadway.

The show kicks off with some A Whole New World-ish type music and a vague plot of a girl who discovers something or other about the sea. Or is it the sky? Or maybe it’s both. I can’t recall. In any case, later there will be acrobats and exotic birds to distract you.

But it’s the bottlenose dolphins and the false killer whales that everyone, including me, is here to see.

First up are the dolphins.

I could have sworn I heard this guy shouting, “I’m the king of the world!”

Smug little bastard.

There are the requisite jumps and splashes. Sometimes solo…

…sometimes in unison.

Show-offs.

The only time I feel bad for these pompous porpoises is when a trainer sewn into a dolphin-coloured wetsuit straddles a couple and takes ‘em for a ride.

Ouch. That’s gotta hurt.

I mean, who would want to be seen with anyone wearing an outfit like that?

Still, the crowds ate it up.

The false killer whales were not spared the embarrassment either.

But our pal Lyle gets his revenge – eventually flinging Little Miss Too Much Makeup into the heavens.

Okay that bit is part of the act, but still, I can’t help but feel the whale derived some sort of gratification by tossing her skyward. I know I would.

Lyle certainly looks like he’s celebrating.

So who wins? Leo or Lyle?

It’s just a show people. Let’s not try to read too much into it.

Although I do believe the trainer in pink did mouth the words, “Leo’s got nothing on you Lyle.”

Aeroplan members can redeem 13,500 miles for a SeaWorld Aquatica Orlando Combo Pass – one of the many experiential rewards available from the Aeroplan rewards website.