Wrong things happen when you trust, and give too much attention to, the wrong people.

Do you have toxic people in your life? Do they influence you in detrimental ways? Do they leave you feeling manipulated or bad about yourself after every encounter? If so, you’re probably wondering how things got to be this way. Despite your positive attitude and approach to life, you find yourself unexpectedly surrounded by negativity.

It might not occur to you that some of your strongest positive attributes may actually be attracting toxic people. These people may subconsciously feel threatened by your strengths, or they may just see you as an easy target. Either way, they will attempt to undermine or control you by limiting your peace of mind, happiness or success.

It’s important to understand that every character strength has what is commonly called a “shadow side.” When used too liberally, our strengths can become weaknesses and also make us more susceptible to toxic people.

I’ve experienced (more…)

It’s tough to live a positive life around negative people.

Dealing with other people’s negativity can be quite a downer. I once had a coworker whose negative energy would wash over me on a daily basis. In our conversations, she would complain endlessly about everything — work tasks, family obligations, friendships, her weight, and anything else she could think of. She was also extremely cynical about others, often doubting their intentions and judging them harshly. Talking to her wasn’t a pleasant experience, to say the least.

The first time we had a meeting I felt completely drained. Even though we spoke for just 30 minutes, I barely had any energy left after our conversation. It felt as if someone had literally sucked the life out of me, and it took a couple hours for the effects to wear off. The same thing happened the next few times we met too. I quickly realized I needed to work out an action plan to deal with this kind of negativity. After all, she was not going to be the only negative person of this magnitude I was going to encounter in my life.

I gradually developed several key strategies for effectively dealing with other people’s negativity. They have worked wonders in my own life over the years, and now Marc and I use them to assist dozens of coaching clients and course students we interact with on a weekly basis. I’m hoping you find value in them (more…)

It’s a good day, to have a good day.

If the grass looks greener on the other side…

Stop staring.

Stop comparing.

Stop complaining.

And start watering the grass you’re standing on.

Truly, the most powerful weapon against stress on the average day is our ability to choose one thought or response over another. I was reminded of this today when a reader named Sarah sent me the following in an email (I’m sharing this with permission):

“I sat down with my two daughters, ages six and eight, this afternoon to explain to them that we have to move out of our four-bedroom house and into a two-bedroom apartment for a year or two until I can find another job and build our savings back up. It’s a conversation I’ve been avoiding for over a month, as I’ve struggled with (more…)

Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?

Let’s cut to the chase today! There will never be a perfect time to do anything in your life…

Nothing will ever feel 100% certain or make perfect sense to you. There will never be a perfect time to fall in love, or to start that side business, or to travel the world. You will never have enough training, enough preparation, or enough savings. And despite the challenges, even when you feel ready to take a bold step forward, others will likely try to talk you out of it. Because they won’t feel ready themselves, and your ambition and bravery will challenge their levels of comfort. But you know what? You don’t owe them an explanation. It’s just that simple. Yet it’s hard to process sometimes.

Waiting to feel 100% ready or validated is the easiest way in which we cheat ourselves out of wonderful life experiences. I challenge you to consciously free yourself from this self-limiting mentality. Book that plane ticket, even if you feel lots of uncertainty. Sign up for that educational course, even if you have (more…)

The goal is to grow so strong on the inside that nothing on the outside can affect your inner peace of mind without your conscious permission.

The ultimate measure of your wisdom and strength? How calm you are when facing any given situation. Yes, calmness is a human superpower. The ability to not overreact or take things personally keeps your thoughts clean and your heart at peace, which instantly gives you an upper hand regardless of your circumstances.

Thus, the biggest and most complex obstacle you will ever have to overcome is your own mind. If you can overcome that, you can overcome almost anything. And by “overcoming,” I’m referring to the skill of mindfulness, and learning to effectively control your emotional responses to life’s unexpected tests. Because most of your deepest pain and frustration on a daily basis will come from the way you respond, not the way life is.

Of course, being calm and mindful is (more…)

Letting go is not giving up. It’s just acknowledging that the only thing you have control over is yourself in this moment.

The renowned psychologist Carl Rogers noted that people are often unhappy because of a lack of congruence in their lives, which is another way of saying that complexity blinds us to life’s simple and obvious solutions. For Rogers, simply sitting with a patient and having them talk through their problems, without the therapist leading them or making judgments or giving advice, was the best way for them to let go of their problems. Rogers determined that when you give a person a safe and supportive space to think through things, they tend to do so more effectively.

Right now, I want to give you a safe and supportive space to think, so you can let go of any extra baggage that’s been weighing you down. Try this: pause for a second to notice what’s going on in your body. Are your jaw muscles clenched? Are your shoulders or neck tightened? Do you notice (more…)

Never assume that you’re stuck with the way things are. Life changes, and so can you.

Maybe it’s the life lessons I was forced to learn the hard way, or the toll of loss and failure I had recently endured, but fifteen years ago in the midst of a panic attack on my 29th birthday, I had to admit to myself right then and there that the youthful world of possibility I once felt now seemed dead inside me. I wanted to feel light and free and ambitious and passionate again, but I didn’t know how. Luckily my grandmother, who was always a true lifesaver, gave me some good advice. She told me that she could still see a positive energy inside of me, but that I needed to do some soul searching to reconnect myself to it.

As I attempted to follow my grandmother’s advice, I remembered that I used to have two quotes written on sticky notes hanging on my bedroom wall when I was a kid:

• “Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in your journey.”
• “Paths are made by walking, not waiting.”

So I wrote the two quotes down again, just as I remembered them, and posted them up on the wall over my nightstand. I woke up to those quotes every morning for a few years thereafter just to keep myself centered from the get-go each day. I also took small steps forward, one day at a time, until I knew I was finally moving down the right path again.

For anyone else who’s feeling stuck (more…)

Sometimes we feel betrayed by others.

Sometimes we feel betrayed by our circumstances.

Sometimes we feel betrayed by life itself.

In any case, we are faced with the reality that things aren’t always what they seem, and we don’t always get what we expect.

So what can we do?

Accept the reality, and then do our best to make the most of it.

The truth is, we were promised trials and tribulations right from the beginning. They were always part of the program. Growing up we were told, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” And to a certain degree we’ve already realized and accepted it. The relationships, jobs, and projects that didn’t work out led us closer to the ones that did. The things we’ve lost too soon opened our minds to understandings and opportunities we never fathomed beforehand. So while we’ve rarely gotten exactly what we wanted, we have often received more than we bargained for.

Of course, in the heat of the moment, when incredibly disappointing things are happening to YOU, and the outcomes you’re dealing with are REAL, embracing reality and making the best of it is not easy…

You feel betrayed.

You feel victimized.

You feel crushed.

Which is why, first and foremost, it’s important to… (more…)

It’s a new day. A new beginning. And things will change.

Tired of dealing with the same frustrations over and over and over again?

Then it’s likely time to purge some bad habits. Remember, you ultimately become what you repeatedly do. If your habits aren’t helping you, they’re hurting you. Here are some fairly common and widespread examples of the latter that will drain all your happiness if you let them:

1. Waiting for the perfect moment to take the next step.

Don’t buy into the myth of the perfect moment. Moments aren’t perfect, they’re what you make of them. So many people wait around for the stars to align to do what they’re here to do. The perfect moment, the perfect opportunity, the perfect state of being, etc. Wake up! Don’t “wait” away the vast majority of your life! Remind yourself that too many people wait all day for 5pm, all week for Friday, all year for the holidays, all their lives for happiness. And you don’t be one of them. Ultimately, you will come to succeed not by finding a perfect moment, but by learning to (more…)

Don’t just think outside the box today…

Think like there is no box.

How?

Start by asking yourself better questions — the kind that open your mind and filter out the excess noise that’s been cluttering your thoughts.

The power of a positive imagination is unleashed by constraining your focus. Constraints drive creativity, openness, and mindful thinking. It may sound counterintuitive at first but, in a backwards way, you break out of the box by stepping into the right shackles.

And that’s exactly what the following questions can help you with — shackling the noise in your head by channeling your focus into meaningful thoughts and moments of self-refection. Let these questions shift your perspective and bring you clarity:

(more…)

Peace will come to me, when it comes from me.

Life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. It can be tough sometimes. And you’ve paid a heavy price to get this far, so your best option is to make it count by moving forward from where you are. Free yourself from the world’s negativity — from the sources of ignorance telling you what you can and cannot do — by promising to look ahead, plan ahead, and get ahead for your own sake. In other words, start making positive promises to yourself!

Promise to fight back, to fight harder, to laugh louder and longer, and to slap negativity back into its seat whenever it dares to stand against you. Promise to be a force to be reckoned with, because you are a force to be reckoned with!

Make these promises to yourself, and keep them forever:

Repeat after me: “I promise…”

1. “I will not hold the past against myself.”

Your problems, your weaknesses, setbacks, regrets and mistakes will teach you if you’re willing to learn, or they will punish you if you’re not.  So let them teach you. Take everything as a lesson learned. If you regret some of the decisions you have made in the past, stop being so hard on yourself. At that time, you did your best with the knowledge you had. At that time, you (more…)

We love the idea of others loving us, but we forget to love ourselves.

“Today I lost the respect of a couple people I care about, and the desire to hurt myself, when I finally told everyone the truth about who I really am and what I’ve decided to do with my life. In a nutshell, I’ve chosen to love and honor myself, instead of convincing others to do it for me every day.”

Those are lines right out of a live chat I had this morning with a longtime reader and course member of ours. Although this person asked to remain anonymous, they gave me permission to share this part of their story with you, and I’m so glad they did. Because one of the greatest struggles in life is the struggle to accept, embrace, and love ourselves with all of our imperfections. To be 100% honest about who we are, how we feel, and what we need. To stop discrediting ourselves for everything we aren’t, and start giving ourselves credit for everything we are.

What we must realize is that our greatest task is not about rediscovering self-love; it’s about breaking down the walls we have built against it. And when we find the courage to push through these walls — to know and embrace ourselves, despite our flaws — we also create pathways to connect in more caring, empathic, and intimate ways with others who (more…)

As you struggle forward, remind yourself that it’s better to be exhausted from little bits of effort, learning and growth, than it is to be tired of doing nothing.

In 1914, the great inventor Thomas Edison experienced a devastating hardship. His entire laboratory burned down to the ground, and several years worth of his work was ruined.

Newspapers described the situation as “the worst thing to happen to Edison!”

But that wasn’t true, because Edison didn’t see it that way at all. The inventor instead chose to see his circumstances as an invigorating opportunity to rebuild and re-examine much of his current work. In fact, Edison reportedly said shortly after the fire, “Thank goodness all our mistakes were burned up. Now we can start again fresh.” And that’s exactly what he and his team did.

Think about how this relates to your life.

How many times have you heard it was the end when it was actually the beginning?

How many hopeless headlines have challenged your inner hope?

In both cases it’s probably more than you realize.

The truth is, (more…)

Think a little less about managing your problems and a little more about managing your mindset.

The real trick is to enjoy life. Don’t wish away all of your days waiting for better ones ahead. Just appreciate where you are. You have come a long way, and you’re still learning and growing. Be thankful for the lessons. Take them and make the best of things right now.

Start by reminding yourself that inner peace and progress in life are both built through tiny daily victories. It’s the seemingly inconsequential choices we make day to day that make all the difference. So as we move forward through the next 24 hours, challenge yourself…

1. When a new day begins, challenge yourself to smile genuinely and gratefully.

2. When you don’t get what you want, challenge yourself to (more…)

The smiles of the unhappiest are sometimes the widest.

You become a true master of your life when you learn how to master your focus — what you give your time and energy to. So rise above the pettiness trying to draw you in. Figure out where your attention is spent, and gradually remove distractions. Remind yourself that there’s a big difference between empty fatigue and gratifying exhaustion. Life is too short not to focus more on what matters most!

Today, let’s reflect on three common habits that have drained happiness from hundreds of people Angel and I have worked with over the past 16 years. These “habits of unhappiness” are so darn prevalent too, nearly all of us engage in at least one of them on and off throughout our lives…

1. Seeking approval from the masses

We worry about what other people think of us. We worry about our appearance. We worry about whether or not he’ll like us. We worry she might like that other guy. We worry we’ll fall flat on our faces. We worry we’re not (more…)

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
— Mae West

This morning a close neighborhood friend, Alison, passed away far too early. While Angel and I have spent most of the day grieving, I’ve also spent this past hour thinking about the fact that our lives are often much shorter than we expect, and that we need to do some pretty darn hard things to maximize our very limited time. Alison strongly believed in doing the hard yet necessary things in life — we talked about this topic often, and she never backed down from a challenge. So today, I want to reflect on this with you.

You absolutely have to do hard things to be happy in life. Because the hard things ultimately build you up and change your life. They make the difference between existing and living, between knowing the path and walking it, between a lifetime of empty promises and (more…)

Don’t wait until everything is just right; it will never be perfect.

They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for. I don’t think anything could be closer to the truth, and yet all too often we find ways of complicating things for ourselves. We look for happiness where it does not exist. Marc and I were unexpectedly reminded of this recently when we met a family of six staying at a hotel near our neighborhood…

We saw them hanging around outside the lobby, sharing stories and laughing together. As we walked by, Marc and I said hello to them and asked where they were from. “Oh, we’re from here,” the mother said. “Our house burned down to the ground yesterday, but miraculously all of us made it out safely. And that makes today a bit of a celebration for us.”

Talk about a wake-up call! Some people might say they had lost everything, and yet this family knew better — they knew they almost had it all. Because there really is nothing like joyful tears and deep breaths after a (more…)

Look around, and be thankful right now. For your health, your family, your friends, and your home… Nothing lasts forever.

There’s a little ritual Angel and I practice every day that can turn hard days into easier ones, and extremely difficult life situations into far better ones. And it won’t surprise you either. It’s gratitude.

While a gratitude ritual is a simple and fundamental tool, it’s something most of us forget to practice. But when we do practice, it can quickly transform both our minds and our lives. Let me give you a quick example…

Many moons ago, I remember one specific night I was struggling with grief and feeling very stressed about work — I was feeling unhappy with the direction of my life and the recent events in it. But that night I also encouraged myself to put things into perspective. I wrote down a list of everything I was truly grateful for, even as everything in my life seemed to be going wrong. It ended up being a pretty long list, and I still have the list hanging on my home office bulletin board today. The first few points on the list include: (more…)

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.”
— Iain Thomas

This short article was inspired by an email we received today from a reader of the blog:

Dear Marc and Angel,

There’s so much meaning and value I want to foster in my present life, and yet a tragic past continues to drag me down. I feel like I have weights tied to my ankles. It’s the heaviness of grief that still sneaks up on me. Truly, I’ve been through a lot — the toughest and most heartbreaking of which was losing my husband in a car accident when he was only 35-years-old. And right now, seven years later, I’m at a point where I’m trying to make the best of a bad situation, but I wake up on some mornings and just can’t seem to let go of the way things were “supposed to be” in my life.

Anyway, I know you can’t solve all my problems, but I was hoping you could shine some light on my situation. I could use a little extra perspective today. Do you have any words you could share with me?

Sincerely,
A Struggling Reader

Our reply (an open reply to everyone who’s trying to make the best of a bad situation):

Dear Struggling Reader,

Marc and I just finished reading your email together, and we sincerely wish we could start by giving you two of the biggest, longest hugs imaginable. But since that’s not possible at this very moment, let me tell you about an unexpected phone call I received in the middle of the night last night.

My phone rang just before midnight. I didn’t answer. Then it rang again a minute later. I rolled over, grabbed it off the nightstand, and (more…)

In a relationship, selfishness and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.

This morning I saw a middle-aged woman slam the car door in her husband’s face and storm off into a grocery store. Then an hour later I couldn’t help but notice two 20-something friends sitting next to me at a local coffee shop, the man staring down at his phone the entire time his friend shared with him her concerns about some seemingly complicated family matters. And just now I came across someone’s rant on social media about their significant other that concluded with, “ALL MEN are exactly the same!”

Most of us have likely done similar things at some point too, because relationships aren’t easy, and sometimes we get distracted or upset and then we make mistakes. In fact, let’s be honest, we’ve all acted in toxic, damaging ways at (more…)