Gracie’s
World,
May 2008

May 1

We are standing in line. We are waiting to get our school pictures taken.

We are waiting for Chickenloaf who is late. On account Chickenloaf, she must put the abacuses away.

Chessie and Snooples, they are wearing matching peach-colored dresses. With frilly necks. Which Nini, she has purchased for the occasion.

Ben, he is wearing one of Pias black turtlenecks. Ben, he has the collar of that turtleneck pulled up over his nose. In order to hide the singed whiskers.

Here comes Chickenloaf.

Chickenloaf, she is wearing a extremely fuzzy purple sweater which she has knitted. Long tendrils of fuzz, they are waving in the manner of sea creature tentacles from the surface of that extremely fuzzy purple sweater.

May 3

Now this one is most unusual in that it arrived inside a carton of light bulbs.

It is the morning session at school. We are engaging in the activity known as Show and Tell.

Ben, he is showing his collection of dessicant packets.

Ben, he is holding up each dessicant packet with tweezers, one at a time. Ben, he is imparting the biographical details of each dessicant packet.

May 5
Music Class

We are standing next to our desks. We are supposed to be whacking sticks together in a rhythmical manner. Ms. Van Lips, she is playing THE KIPPER FROM KIRCALDY upon the piano.

However some of us are having difficulty concentrating upon whacking sticks. On account of Bucky Lawless and Bing Hamton: They are being highly distracting.

Bucky Lawless and Bing Hamton, they are demonstrating how to produce eardrum-piercing noises. By blowing air through one’s nose.

It is pretty funny.

Ms. Van Lips, she is selecting someone with which to play the Triangle.

Snooples, she has been selected to play the Triangle.

Now we are attempting to whack our sticks together once again. Ms. Van Lips, she is playing THE MOUSE AND THE EXTREMELY THICK MARMALADE.

Snooples, she is concentrating hard upon playing the Triangle. Snooples, she is playing a intricate rhythm upon the Triangle.

Bucky Lawless and Bing Hamton: They are demonstrating how they can put their hind hoofs up behind their antlers.

The rest of us, we are lapsing into giggling fits.

Except for Ben. Ben, he is concentrating upon his whacking sticks.

Uh oh.

Ben, he has dropped one of his whacking sticks.

The whacking stick, it is rolling amongst the desk legs. The whacking stick, it is rolling toward the back of the classroom where the fish tanks are bubbling.

The whacking stick, it is picking up speed.

Excuse me. Excuuuuuuuuuuse me.

Ben, he is crawling after his whacking stick. We must lift our foots.

Ben, he is crawling beneath the large and elaborate rack which holds the collection of cymbals and bells and gongs.

There goes the collection of cymbals and bells and gongs, crashing over into the World Book Encyclopedias.

Bens whacking stick, it has rolled out of sight. Bens whacking stick, it is somewheres beneath the baseboard heater.

Ben, he is lying upon his back. Ben, his hind legs are sticking up in the air. Ben, he is feeling around with both paws beneath the baseboard heater.

However: The whacking stick, it is gone.

May 12
Cafeteria

CHESSIE YOU CANNOT CHOOSE TO PLAY THE SOUSAPHONE. A MINIATURE CAT, IT CANNOT OPERATE A SOUSAPHONE.

Chessie, she is frowning and she is laboriously printing her name with a stubby black crayon beneath the category SOUSAPHONE.

Chessie, she has printed the last letter of her name extra large and black.

chessiE

May 13

FINE PLAY THE SOUSAPHONE. HOWEVER DO NOT COMPLAIN WHEN YOU BECOME KILLED DEAD.

We are setting around the dining room table and we are squabbling.

Chessie, she has leaned back in her chair. Chessie, she has folded her small white hairy arms.

Chessies collection of little plastic dogs, they are standing guard in a row upon the dining room table in front of Chessie.

Chessie, she is scowling.

Anyways I think the Sousaphone, it is pretty nice!

Chickenloaf, she has commenced spreading out archival photos of Sousaphones upon the dining room table.

this here. it is my life.

Chessie, she is pointing to her scrawny white chest with one claw.

PERHAPS WE COULD FLIP A MOUSE.

To hell with it, go ahead and drag 67 tons of brass down the street every time there’s a parade.

Pia, she is painting her hind claws with green sparkling claw polish.

White cotton balls, they are puffing out between each of Pia’s toes.

May 14

We have got our school pictures back. That is bad.

Ms. Wysiwyg, she is handing out the cardboard envelopes.

Chickenloaf, she has already commenced to scissor apart the little postage stamp versions of her school pictures. Chickenloaf, she is handing school pictures out to everybody.

Me, I do not wish to slide these here school pictures of of this here cardboard envelope. On account of I am somewhat unphotogenic.

Oh goddamnit.

I have been photographed in the middle of a sneeze.

May 15
Back Yard

Burying the school photographs beneath the compost pile.

May 17
Playground

Snooples, she is wearing her Playground Leadership Sash. Snooples, she is teaching the little kids how to play Giant Squid. The gerbil kids, they are the best at playing Giant Squid.

Me, I am standing around with the older kids and I am pretending to be bored half to death.

Here comes Chickenloaf.

Chickenloaf, she is wearing pink corderouy overalls with small yellow emboidered crabs all over them.

Chickenloaf, she has handed me a small postage stamp-size school photo of herself.

This here photo, it depicts Chickenloafs small wooly gray head. Midst thousands of illuminated purple sweater tentacles.

May 20

Mom and Dad, they want to know: Where are the school pictures.

I tell them I do not recall.

I shall scissore some of these here pictures of Howler Monkeys out of National Geographic. Mom and Dad, they will not know any better.

May 22

Tomorrow, it is the first day of Musical Band Instrument Lessons.

Soon I shall find out exactly what a oboe is.

I am fairly certain a oboe, it is extremely large. With spoke wheels.

A oboe, I believe there is one of them in the band Van Halen.

May 23

I have arisen early. On account of today, it is the first of the Musical Band Instrument Lessons. It will be awesome.

Also: No clean trousers.

I must place some trousers and sweaters and leotards and whatnot into the washing machine and then into the drying machine.

The washing machine, it is stuffed all the way up to the top with trousers and sweaters and leotards and whatnot.

I shall now dump in some of this blue liquid.

I wonder how much blue liquid is required.

I shall dump in the entire jug. On account of the trouser knees.

There.

The washing machine, it is churning in a festive manner.

I shall now go and enjoy a muffin.

Later

We are setting around the kitchen table and we are enjoying muffins.

Snooples, she is carefully buttering her muffin with the butter knife. Snooples, she is holding out her littlest toe.

Pia, she is dabbling a muffin into a mug of black coffee.

However, something seems to be amiss.

Dad: He is in the laundry room and he is screaming like a girl.

May 26

Am perched on the edge of a uncomfortable folding chair upon the porch. Am practicing this here oboe.

However this oboe. It is capable only of manufacturing noises in the manner of a farting echidna.

Also: there is a problem with this here sheet music. It is incomprehensible.

May 28

Setting upon the porch and practicing the oboe.

The birds in the yard, they have assumed a horrified silence.

May 29

Here we are at the first Musical School Band Rehearsal.

We have each had exactly 3 1/2 lessons.

Mr. Dinnerstain, he is rapping his baton upon the lectern.

However, the deafening mayhem continues. As we are tuning our instruments.

The school band, it is comprised of:

14 Sousaphones
46 Clarinets
28 Kettle Drums (Pia plus the Deers and the Elks)
3 Flutes
2 Xylophones
1 Oboe
1 Krump Horn

May 31

Well here it is the end of May.

Everybodys school pictures, the are sandwitched in little silver frames. All along the fireplace mantle.

That picture of the Howler Monkey. It looks pretty good.

Gracie’s
World,
January 2008

January 1

It is 11:50 a.m. in the morning of this here New Year.

Me, I am in bed. Beneath 22 blankets. I have exactly 1 eye open.

Also: I am punching the keyboard upon this here new iClaw. With exactly 1 claw.

Snooples, she is sound asleep upon the bottom bunk. Snooples, she is sprawled face down upon her pillow. Snooples, she is lightly wheezing.

I shall reach down and I shall poke Snooples upon the head.

Snooples, she has emitted a high-pitched squeak.

SNOOPLES ARISE IMMEDIATELY. YOU MUST TROT DOWN THE HALL AND YOU MUST TURN UP THE HEAT.

Snooples, she is trotting down the hall with the pantcuffs of her Squirrel Nutkin pajamas dragging behind her heels.

January 3

It is a dour and a dank and a overcast Saturday afternoon. We are playing Marine Sniper upon the Turkey Rug.

Nini, she is at the dining room table. Nini, she has spread colorful garden catalogs over every inch of the dining room table. Nini, she is wearing her gold-rimmed spectacles which she keeps upon a ribbon around her neck. Nini, she is assembling the garden orders.

order me some gourds. i want gourds.

Chessie, she has just sniped Ben. Ben, he has leaped into the air and he has landed upon his back with his legs pointing straight up.

Chessie, she now has the most snipe points with Pia second.

it has commenced to snow!

Snooples, she has pattered over to the picture window. Snooples, she has placed her paws upon the window sill.

Fluffy snow blobs, they are drifting down.

i will go get the snow bat kits.

Chessie, she is rolling up her sleeves. Chessie, she is marching resolutely down the hall.

Snow, it has begun swirling everywheres.

January 5

It is evening. We are in the television room. We are watching Amazing Rescue Turtles. Nini, she has made us some popcorns.

Those Amazing Rescue Turtles, they are moving in by the dozens across the desert toward a old abandoned grain elevator. Those Amazing Rescue Turtles, they are surrounding a hostage situation.

last night i dreamed i invented a top hat which was also a portable toilet paper dispenser.

Chessie, she has just blurted this out.

Those Amazing Rescue Turtles, they are trudging resolutely through the woods of New Hampshire. Those Amazing Rescue Turtles, they are tracking a bunch of Cub Scouts. Which have gone and gotten themselves lost.

Okay watch this next part. This is the good part.

Pia, she is pointing at the television screen with all five toes of one paw.

Forty or so Amazing Rescue Turtles, they are rapeling into a deep cavern in the Dakotas.

Snooples, she is sprawled out asleep upon the rug. Snooples, she is using her bowl of popcorns as a pillow.

Now French horns and kettle drums, they are booming. The Amazing Rescue Turtles logo, it is spinning right at us. The Amazing Rescue Turtles logo, it has filled the television screen.

Well, I guess the show, it is over.

January 7

I am cleaning up the bedroom. On account of Mom, she says clean up the bedroom. Or no watching Amazing Prehistoric Rodents this evening.

The bedroom, it is a wreck.

T-shirts and leotards and toast crusts and old rubbery carrot sticks, they are tangled everywheres.

Chickenloaf, she has strung bottles of glue and snippets of shiny paper and and glitters and yarn all over the rug. Pias gun cleaning kit, it is scattered across the homework desk. Which anyways we do not use.

Chessies little plastic dogs, they are lined up along the headboards of the bunks, the window sills, around the edges of the floor, and across the top of the closet door.

Snooples bed, however: It is neat and tidy. Upon Snooples pillow is esconsed a little red leather notebook. I shall see what is inside this little red notebook.

Huh.

January 8

I am setting upon the back porch and I am wearing 6 hooded sweatshirts plus snowmobile pants plus ear muffs plus Charlies barn boots.

I have Snooples little red notebook. I am identifying these here birds setting everywheres upon the snow laden limbs.

That bird there with the white chest and the spindly black legs plus the expensive brief case. The one teetering around the edge of the frozen bird bath. I am pretty sure that there, it is a Pelican.

January 9

I am at the dining room window and I am adjusting Ninis old binoculars. Which Nini, she carried during World War I.

I am attempting to ascertain the identity of that there bird. Which is hanging upside down from that there branch. That there bird, it is way the heck out in the woods.

Oh it is a Puffin. I am pretty sure it is a Puffin.

January 11

January 12

January 13

January 14

It is nighttime. We are in the television room. We are watching Fearless Kitten War Heroes, Part I.

Fuzzikins, the famous fighter pilot: He is putting on his leather helmet and his goggles plus a nice warm scarf. Fuzzikins, he is climbing into his little airplane.

Fuzzikins, he is snapping a salute to the ground crew.

Fuzzikins, he is buzzing in his little airplane off into the sky.

What the hell. Nini, she is clapping her paws.

Nini, she says Time For Bed. As the holiday vacation, it is over and done with. Tomorrow we must return to school.

January 15

regardez la vache! eh! ca va la vache!

CHESSIE SHUT UP. IT IS 2 A.M. IN THE MORNING.

For NPR News, this is Alex Whistle-Broom.

Oh damnit. It is time to get up and go to school.

January 17

Playground. The little kids, they are making snow sculptures.

Snooples, she is teaching the little kids how to make snow sculptures.

The big kids, we are standing around. We are trying to receive warmth from Pias and Bucky Lawlesses and Bing Hamtons’ cigarettes.

well i am done here.

Chessie, she is dusting off her mittens and she is striding away from her snow sculpture.

Chessies snow sculpture, it is a turret-mounted rocket launcher.

CHESSIE YOU HAD BEST BASH THAT TO BITS. THAT THERE COULD BE DANGEROUS.

nah. it is not loaded.

Chessie, she is packing snowballs and throwing them at the side of the school.

also the safety it is not on.

Chessie, she is solemnly pointing her soggy mitten at a small lever upon the side of the rocket launcher.

STILL. A LARGE GUN MADE OUT OF SNOW. THAT IS BAD.

nah. i ain’t made no ammunition yet.

Chessie, she is patting a small torpedo into shape.

Well, the school bell, it is ringing. It is time for our weekly seminar on Bildungsroman Novels.

January 18

January 20

We are standing around the playground in the soggy snow. On account of Ms. Wysiwyg, she says Fresh Air is Important.

The little kids, they are making snow guys and snow forts and snow bats. The little kids, they are chasing one another in the snow. The little kids, they are shrieking in a most jovial manner.

The older kids: We are standing around and we are slowly freezing to death.

why don’t you assist us in organizing snow games. then you will be nice and warm.

Snooples, she is standing in front of me and Bucky Lawless and Bing Hamton and Bing Hamton’s cousin Antlerless Joe. Antlerless Joe, he is from upstate.

Snooples, she is wearing her Playground Assistant sash. Overtop of her new blue wool coat with the little gold anchor buttons.

NO WAY US OLDER KIDS: WE MUST REMAIN DIGNIFIED EVEN IF WE DIE.

Snooples, she is sighing. Snooples, she is herding a clutch of little kids away from the school bulldozer. Which is parked at a treacherous angle atop a mountain of snow at the edge of the playground.

January 24

We are in Highly Dangerous Chemistry Class.

Dr. Muzzlewhite, he is demonstrating the dangers of creamed corn.

Dr. Muzzlewhite, he is explaining that creamed corn, it is not to be taken lightly.

Now we are all putting our goggles upon our faces. We are lighting our bunsen burners.

Now we are heating up the creamed corn.

Now we are adding baby onions.

We are stirring and stirring the creamed corn and the baby onioins. Dr. Muzzlewhite, he is warning everybody: Do not sniff the creamed corn.

However it is too late. Bens whiskers, they are singed fuzzballs.

holy fuck.

Chessies creamed corn, it has exploded everywheres.

Dr. Muzzlewhite, he is explaining the trouble: Too many baby onions.

January 25

January 27

January 31

We are enjoying a Snow Day. As it is insanely blizzarding.

Nini, she is making Linzer Tortes. Ninis poofy chefs hat, it is floating back and forth in the kitchen.

Check.

Pia, she has just slid a red bishop all the way across the board and right over top of this here white rook. Pia, she has palmed the white rook.

The white rook, it is lying atop a heap of white chess pieces next to Pias elbow.

has anybody seen that there bird book?

Snooples, she has appeared in the dining room in her sock foots and pink leggings and tattered gray sweatshirt hanging down past her knees.

NOPE.

it was that there bird book which charlie, he gave it to me for christmas.

HAVE NOT SEEN IT.

oh.

Snooples, she has turned away.

It’s on the windowsill under the spotting scope. Check.

Pia, she has sailed a Red Rook right over top of this here White Queen. Which I do not think that is precisely legal.

Snooples, she is trotting over to the windowsill. Snooples, she has picked up the little red leather notebook. Snooples, she has opened the little red leather notebook.

oh my.

Check.

A Red Knight, it is now in the immediate neighborhood of the White King. No matter: I shall move said White King over this way.

oh my.

Snooples, she is paging through the notebook.

Chessie, she has burst through the front door midst a blast of cold air and snow. Chessie, she is stomping snow off of her snow boots.

guess what. ben, he is in jail.

Chessie, she is setting down upon the mat. Chessie, she is struggling to pull off her snow boots.

stole a loaf of bread. just heard about it on charlie’s cattle radio.

Chessies snow boots, they will not pull off of her foots.

Check mate.

Pia, she has angled the Red Knight over to the other side of this here White King.

WELL ANYWAYS, CHESS, IT IS DUMB.

Chessie, she has pulled off her snow boots, socks and all.

Chessies snow boots and socks and snow pants and coat and scarf and stocking hat and ear muffs and soggy mittens, they are littered all over the Turkey Rug.

Chessie, she is stalking off down the hallway to the bathroom.

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Gracie’s
World,
August
2007

August 6
I am setting on the porch and I am whittling a stick into the shape of a sea cucumber.

Sigh.

Other kids. They get to spend the summer learning to be Dental Surgeons or Navy Seals or whatnot.

Not me.

I will most likely end up at concrete mixing camp.

August 7
I am setting here on the back steps and I am watching the caryatids chewing up Nini’s begonias.

it says here beef cattles? they have finely honed auditory capabilities. beef cattles, they can tell a vynil recording from a digital recording every single time.

Snooples, she is absorbed in Charlie’s summer issue of Beef Cattles Quarterly. Snooples, she has been interested in beef cattles ever since she went off to North Dakota.

also? they are very good at keeping their knees clean. that there is a advantage over the various dairy cattle breeds.

The front cover of Beef Cattles Quarterly, it features a angus cow wearing a pink sunsuit with ruffles and a pink bow upon the head. Summer Fashions for the Small Herd. That is what it says on the front cover.

also? their meat? it makes delicious and zesty chili. see, right here: seven zesty chili recipes.

YEAH, WELL.

I am jabbing a old dead chickmump with a stick.

also? it says here? beef cattles, they are very sensitive to extraterritorial invasions.

Extraterrestrial.

Pia, I thought she was asleep in the hammock. But I guess not.

yes, that is correct. extraterritorial.

WELL BUT THAT THERE IS IMMATERIAL.

It is?

Fifi, she has looked up from her easel where she is composing a oil painting of Charlie wearing a Revolutionary War uniform and standing next to a long-necked horse.

EXTRATERRESTRIAL INVASIONS. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A EXTRATERRESTRIAL INVASION.

Oh!

Fifi, she has commenced painting a fat little spotted dog next to Charlies foots.

August 9
I am setting under the willow and I am taking the typewriter apart and I am oiling the typewriter parts.

Chickenloaf and Snooples, they are giving Blackie the black snake swimming lessons in the wading pool.

Blackie, he is toiling through the water and he is wearing 8 pairs of water wings all along the length of his body. Chickenloaf and Snooples, they are standing in the wading pool in their ruffled bathing suits and they are splashing Blackie in order to keep the hide wet and to prevent the sunburns.

Blackie, I think he is getting the hang of swimming.

Here comes Chessie stomping across the yard with her fishing pole and her tackle box. Chessie, she is settling down next to the Olympic size swimming pool. Chessie, she is pulling on her waders. Chessie, she is scowling.

well i guess everybody ought to know that dad, he does not care about our welfare.

why??

Chickenloaf and Snooples, they have stopped toweling off the black snake.

well it is either them beef cattles or working the checkout line at walmart. that’s what dad says.

charlie says beef cattles? they are okay once you get past the language barrier.

Snooples, she is rubbing sunscreen with both paws all over the black snake.

to hell with that.

Chessie, she has cast her fishing line into the Olympic size pool. Chessie, she is setting with her back to us.

August 11
Well here we are at Beef Cattle Camp.

We are standing in a straggly line and we are learning THE BEEF CATTLE CAMP SONG. It is mainly about beef cattles wandering around and getting lost.

We are wearing matching shirts with cowboys and horses and lariats emboidered all over them and pearl snaps. We are wearing matching cowboy hats which are of a nondescript beige color. We are wearing itchy bandanas around the throats.

Ben, he is not wearing a beige cowboy hat. Ben, he has had his bubble gum pink 1-gallon hat shipped in by FedEx. Also his bubble gum pink cowboy belt. With the Elvis the Pine Siskin belt buckle.

Ben, he has his thumbs hooked in his belt in a jaunty manner and he is swaggering.

August 12
Now ye straddle the calf like this here and ye grab the ear closest to ye, like this, and then ye clamp it real good, like this, see…

The Camp Guy, he is a leathery cowboy guy. The Camp Guy, he insists upon calling us Little Tender Foots.

The Camp Guy, his name is Normal Buttons.

Normal Buttons, he is showing us how to clamp large metal tags onto the ears of the beef cattles. Using a gigantic stapler.

This here, it will be fun.

August 13
It is 5 a.m. and we have finished a meal of rattlesnake meat. Also black coffee which has given us the jitters.

Now we are learning the Camp Rules:

1. No teasing of the beef cattles
2. No running off with the beef calfs
3. No mentioning of Ground Chuck
4. No swearing, off-color jokes, or discharging of firearms in the vicinity of the beef cattles
5. No playing of substandard audio recordings within earshot of the beef cattles
6. No discussion of cattle prods
7. Absolutely no Klesmer music

Snooples, she is fidgeting. Snooples, she is twitching. Snooples, she is setting down in the dust and taking off her cowboy boots. Snooples, she is itching behind the ears with her hind foots.

SNOOPLES YOU HAVE NEGLECTED TO TAKE THE FLEA PILLS. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO TAKE THE FLEA PILLS.

no, mom dabbled some medicines. right here, on the back of the neck.

NONSENSE IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU TAKE THE FLEA PILLS. OTHERWISE YOU WILL BECOME FLEA RADDLED.

no, mom said.

SOON YOU WILL HAVE NO FUR WHATSOEVER.

no…

Normal Buttons, he is demonstrating how to castrate a bull. Ben, he is snapping pictures to send back home.

August 14
Normal Buttons, he is showing us how to whack our bed rolls. So as to kill the scorpions which have taken up residence.

Chessie, she is frowning and she is concentrating on the pearl snaps upon her shirt cuffs. Chessie, she is snapping and unsnapping the pearl snaps upon her shirt cuffs.

The sound of them pearl snaps, it is like chorizos in my ears.

Now Normal Buttons, he is demonstrating how to skin a road kill and eat it. In case you have nothing else to eat.

snap…snap…snap…

Now Normal Buttons, he is demonstrating how to check ones boots for rattlesnake pups. We are in our sock foots and we are turning our boots upside down.

Tinkling little sleigh bells, they fallen out of Chickenloaf’s cowboy boots and they are rolling everywheres.

Now Normal Buttons, he is demonstrating how to hand wash fine lingerie.

snap…snap…snap…

GODDAMNIT CHESSIE.

Oh no.

Normal Buttons, he is leading horses out of the barn for everyone to ride.

August 15
We are standing around the corral with dust all over our foots. We are learning how to use these here lariat ropes.

These here lariat ropes, we are supposed to lasso a old Apple computer. Which is setting out in the middle of the corral.

Snooples and Chickenloaf, their lassos, they are landing in neat circles around that old Apple computer.

The rest of us, our ropes, they thudding in the dust in the manner of leftover pasta noodles.

Normal Buttons, he is having Chickenloaf demonstrate how to twirl a lariat rope in a circle over one’s head. Chickenloaf, she is twirling the lariat rope in a tidy circle that hovers just above the ears.

snap…snap…snap…

Chessie, she is scowling and she is snapping the pearl snaps upon her shirt cuffs.

CHESSIE YOU MUST ATTEND TO THE LARIAT LESSONS. OTHERWISE YOU MAY INADVERTENTLY BECOME STRANGLED.

Pia, she has flung her lariat rope. Pia, she has roped Ben.

Ben, he has toppled over. Ben, he is lying in the dust with all 4 foots in the air.

Ben, he does not move.

Send my coffin home to grandmother. I shan’t be buried on the prairie.

Ben, his eyes are pinched shut.

Pia, she is rolling Ben over and over with her boot.

August 16
I thought that beef cattles, they would run around hysterically. In the manner of other cattles.

However, beef cattles, they just stand and stare.

HEY BEEF CATTLES. WHAT IS THE BIT DEPTH AND DURATION OF THE AVERAGE-LENGTH PARTRIDGE FAMILY MP3 FILE.

The beef cattles, they merely stare.

It is a pretty good bet that beef cattles, they do not contribute to Wikipedia.

August 17
We are wrangling the beef cattles.

Wrangling the beef cattles, it consists of waiting until the prairie winds, they blow up a enormous black cloud of choking and blinding dust. Then you ride your horse straight into that dust. Then you look around for the cattles. Which are very good at hiding in the dust.

August 18
Stumbling around on a horse in the middle of a large cloud of dust. Attempting to keep a ear out for thundering hoofs.

When you hear them thundering hoofs you must ride at a full gallop off in that direction. Yelling and throwing your rope everywheres.

You must ride around after the sound of them thundering hoofs until you fall head first off your horse from dead fatigue.

That there is the supper bell. I am getting the hell out of here.

August 19
We are lying around everywheres and we are exhausted in the bunk house.

Chessie, she is wheezing in the manner of a old refrigerator, with one hind leg dangling over the side of the top bunk.

Chickenloaf, she has burrowed beneath the blankets upon her bunk so that only the ears show.

Ben, he is gazing mournfully at the worn floorboards with his red bandanna askew. Ben, he is playing BEAUTIFUL WHEEDLER upon his harmonica.

Snooples, she is poring over a stack of Beef Beautiful magazines which she has found in the out house. Snooples, she is reading a article called Does Your Herd Suffer from Low Self-Esteem?

Snooples, she keeps putting down the magazine and digging behind her ear with her hind foot. Snooples, she has not even bothered to remove her sock which is dangling halfway off her foot.

The worm pill bottles and the flea pill bottles and the mite pill bottles and the tick pill bottles, they are in a neat row upon Snooples night stand.

SNOOPLES YOU MUST TAKE THE MEDICINES FOR THE FLEAS. OTHERWISE YOU WILL GO DEAF.

however i am already deaf!

IF YOU DO NOT TAKE THE MEDICINES FOR THE FLEAS YOU WILL BRING TRAGEDY DOWN UPON THE ENTIRE FAMILY.

Snooples, she is sighing. Snooples, she is unscrewing the lids of the worm pill bottles and the flea pill bottles and the mite pill bottles and the tick pill bottles.

August 20
I am scrubbing the cooking items with a old bunch of twigs.

The beef cattles. They are standing around and staring.

Perhaps them beef cattles, they are made of plywood.

August 21
Now ye wanna get the ruffles nice and crisp. Like this here…

Normal Buttons, he is showing us how to iron the beef cattles sun suits.

Snooples, she is chewing her left foot. This is producing distracting little spongy sounds.

It is difficult to concentrate upon how to iron the beef cattles sun suits with those distracting little spongy sounds going on.

I shall kick Snooples.

There. I have kicked Snooples.

Snooples, she is lying exhausted upon her side. One of Snooples ears, it is twitching and twitching.

August 22
It is morning and I am taking a sponge bath using this tiny basin out in the freezing cold.

There are them beef cattles, staring again.

HEY BEEF CATTLES GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

The beef cattles. They stare.

I shall drag this basin down to the old abandoned pig pen.

There. That is better.

This here pig pen, the pigs which used to live here, they have carved poems and drawings and mathematical equations all over the fence boards. Those pigs, they have carved WILBUR LIVES everywheres.

It seems that those pigs, they also used this here old pottery wheel. Intricately crafted pots covered with pig heiroglyphs, they are setting around in the dust.

Also here is a mural all over the side of the pig barn. This here mural, it depicts pigs ruling over beef cattles. There is a space ship hovering off to the left. Pigs, they are floating up through a door in the bottom of the space ship.

The beef cattles in this here mural, they are standing around looking befuddled.

Here is some writing down at the bottom of this here mural. It says THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE.

August 25
Well, we are riding the range.

Riding the range, that means wandering around everywheres on your horse and eating only beans.

August 26
Riding the Range: Day 2

We have eaten our beans and we are clopping along on our horses.

The purpose of riding the range. Apparently it is to find missing beef cattles. Which have wandered off and got lost. You convince them to come home. Why I do not know.

Chickenloaf, she has spotted a bunch of beef cattles. The beef cattles, they are wearing leg warmers and they are standing around a large glowing aluminum thing festooned with pig heiroglyphs.

August 27
Riding the Range: Day 3

We have come upon a old electric cook stove. Of which the oven door, it is open. There is a sign nailed to a fence post. That sign, it says OPEN RANGE.

August 28
Riding the Range: Day 3

We are setting upon our horses around a ancient stone temple of some sort.

This here ancient temple, it depicts a pig standing atop a cow. All around the foots of the cow, there are corn cobs.

August 29
Riding the Range: Day 4

The lasso tightened around my throat like this. Then everything went dark. I distinctly heard flute music.

We are setting around the camp fire and we are swaddled in blankets and we are istening to Ben describing his recent near-death experience.

Snooples, she is twitching all over.

Chessie, she is snapping and unsnapping her shirt cuffs.

Then an eagle came to me in a Vision. And I said “Brother Eagle…”

Snooples, she is quivering and digging behind her ears. Snooples, she is rolling upon her back in the pine cones.

And the eagle said “Brother Cat. You must find the Way of the Breaking Winds…”

August 30
Riding the Range: Day 5

Well we have not found any beef cattles yet. But we have found this here Sheep Ranch.

The sheep farmer, he is dipping his sheeps in Sheep Dip.

We have trussed up Snooples and we are dipping Snooples in the Sheep Dip.

August 31
Riding the Range: Day 6
It is 10 a.m. in the morning and we are out in the middle of nowheres and it is freezing cold and we are starving to death on account of we have run out of beans.

Snooples, she is attempting to start a fire. However the matches, they are sodden.

Snooples, she is starting a fire with her flint and steel kit.

if i don’t get breakfast soon you might as well not bother. because i will be dead.

Chessie, she is lying upon her bed roll with her paws folded upon her stomach. Chessie, she is glaring up at the pale and distant sun.

this will only take one more minute.

Snooples, she is cupping her paws and she is blowing upon a crackling little pile of twigs.

Chickenloaf, she is humming BUFFALO GERBILS and she is pressing prairie dog legs down over the ends of pointed sticks.

Pia, she is pacing around at the edge of the camp with a unlit cigarette in one paw. Pia, she is squinting at the beef cattles.

The beef cattles, they are standing in a clump and they are staring back.

How would the bunch of you like to be a nice big pile of Delmonico steaks.

The beef cattles, they stare.

woah, what’s this. why, it’s an industrial strength cattle prod.

Pia, she has picked up Ben’s pink umbrella. Pia, she has opened Ben’s pink umbrella with a whoosh. Pia, she is waving Ben’s pink umbrella at the beef cattles.

The beef cattles, they stare.

Prairie dog legs, they are sizzling over the fire. Snooples, she is folding white linen napkins and she is laying out various sizes of forks.

what the fuck that there’s a ufo looks like we got company.

Chessie, she is pointing at the sky directly over the beef cattles.

The beef cattles, they are bellowing hysterically and running off in all directions.

Snooples'
World
July
2007

july 5

hello everybody this here is snooples!

it is 3 a.m. in the morning, and i am scrubbing these here corn cob stickers. they are from last night's corn roast.

last night, it was the fourth of july. that there is the birthday of the united states of america!

these here corn cob stickers, you poke them into each end of the corns. that is so as not to get butter-drenched paws.

now I am scooping coagulated gravy out from nini's gravy boat which has a portrait of president george washington upon one side of it. on account of last night: we also had gravy.

now I am picking up all the burned and fizzled fireworks and the frizbees and the soda pop bottles from the back yard. i am slipping the tequila bottle from the fist of pia who is sprawled asleep with ben’s electric bass upon one of the lawn chairs.

now I am bringing the clean undershirts in from the clothesline.

now I am sweeping up the marbles which chessie rolled everywheres.

there.

i am finished with all of the chores.

now i must quietly wheel my bicycle out of the shed.

on account of today i am running away.

july 6

i am trudging alongside of the rail road tracks, and i am pushing my schwynn kittenmaster bicycle. charlie’s old haversack, it is in the bicycle basket.

also i am towing my red wagon in which is riding iron john.

iron john, he worked upon the railroad a long time ago. that was back when there was a-hammering of them irons.

iron john, he is very knowledgeable about the railroad.

me and iron john: we are going to ride the rails!

july 7

me and the bicycle and charlie’s old haversack and the red wagon and iron john, we are setting here with a family of woodchucks in a boxcar which smells like hay for cattles.

the mother woodchuck, she is knitting a brown sweater made of lumpy wool. one of the little woodchucks, he is tearing around and around upon a tricycle.

me, i am watching the scenery sweeping past.

there go some startled looking black and white cattles with knobby knees.

there goes a village, the houses of which look like after-dinner mints.

there goes a whole collection of house trailers mixed in with rusted trucks resting upon cinder blocks and orange cats hunkered upon the tops of fuel tanks.

there goes a enormous stone mansion with white pillars all over the place.

there goes a drive-in movie with homer simpson’s gigantic head upon the screen.

there goes a bunch of them white-tail deers!

them white-tail deers, they are standing upon their hind hoofs and they are waving. we are waving back. now them white tail deers, they are gone and it is a shopping mall.

july 9

the train, it has stopped in the midst of a large city which bristles of smoke stacks.

i am going to take 1 dollar of the money which i have earned from my paper route and i am going to find a all-night diner. i am going to buy a nice turkey sandwich.

* * * * *

what can i get for ye.

i would like a nice turkey sandwich.

anything to drink with that hon.

a ovaltine.

straight up or on the rocks.

um. straight up!

one turkey sandwich. ovaltine. straight up.

july 10

iron john and me, we are setting here with a bunch of bluetick hounds and we are watching the sun setting over the appalachian mountains from this here boxcar. one of them bluetick hounds, he is playing a old beat up guitar and he is singing I AM A TALL AND LONESOME BEAGLE.

this here train, it is a different train from yesterday. the whistle, it makes a most mournful sound.

well. the sun, it has setted.

i shall roll out my sleeping bag and say my novellas and then i shall go to sleep.

july 11

the thing is: i have not actually runned away.

i have gone to look for trout fishing in america!

trout fishing in america, we have not heard from him in a while. i think maybe he has left the circus.

trout fishing in america, maybe he does not have any money. sometimes that can be difficult.

on the advent that trout fishing in america, he is interested in coming home, i have brought a ziploc bag.

july 13

excuse me i am wondering if you have seen this here tilapia fish.

i am here in wheelhorse west virginia. i am standing next to a elderly old man in bib overalls and a brown felt hat. that man, he is polishing a large statue of a emu.

i am holding up a photograph of trout fishing in america which ben took with the instamatic last summer when we all went swimming at the state park. it is a little blurry. trout fishing in america, he is holding a beach ball.

nope. can’t say as i have.

the man, he has returned to polishing the statue of the emu.

are you certain? trout fishing in america, he was very interested in demolition derbys.

the man, he has taken the photograph of trout fishing in america in his leathery brown hand. he is studying the photograph intently. he is rubbing his white beard stubbles. he is tilting the photograph at various angles.

well…

the man, he is holding the photograph out at arm’s length, and he is squinting.

come to think of it there was a tilapia come through a couple weeks back. hand one of them newfangled iphones.

uh huh.

i am assiduously taking notes.

kind of on the small side. missing part of a fin.

that there, it was trout fishing in america!

said he was heading out west. something about visiting a alien grave.

july 14

me and the bicycle and the red wagon and iron john, we are riding in the back of a rattly pickup truck. we are traveling through the state of kentucky.

horses wearing roller blades and helmets, they keep skating past and disappearing over the hills.

july 15

i am here in the town of gallstone, tennessee. i am getting my bicycle tire fixed.

gallstone, tennessee, it is populated by albino squirrels.

i will ask this here albino squirrel who is fixing the bicycle tire if he has seen trout fishing in america.

excuse me have you seen this here tilapia fish. he has lost a little bit of weight since this here photograph was taken.

the albino squirrel, he is signaling with his paws.

oh i get it. he has deaf ears.

i shall lend the albino squirrel one of my clip-on ears.

july 17

well, here we are in footsville, wisconsin. we are trudging along route 90 i think.

there is supposed to be a rock somewheres around here which looks like mr. walter cronkite. however we have not found it yet.

july 18

we are in silicon valley, idaho and i am standing here at laptop henge.

old computer laptops, they are sticking every which ways out of the dust.

i thought perhaps trout fishing in america, he would come to laptop henge.

however, trout fishing in america, he is not here.

july 20

we are riding in a boxcar which has a picture of chessie upon the side of it. we are watching a tornado wandering across the great plains.

the pigeons in this here box car, they are all asleep upon their little folding cots.

july 22

this here, i reckon it is squab, north dakota. or maybe it is drywall bucket, montana. i do not know.

oh it is squab. i see some sheeps over there.

also beef cattles. them beef cattles, they are wearing hand knitted leg warmers.

i suppose all beef cattles here in north dakota, they begin knitting at a early age.

july 24

iron john and me, we are here in linux, nebraska. we are at the weed whacker museum. we are attending a seminar titled weed whackers through the ages.

july 27

camping under the stars with a anvil and having beans for breakfast. it is a pretty good thing.

july 28

i am lying on my stomach upon the warm grass with my foots in the air and i am studying the tattered old road atlas of which the new england states, they fell out somewheres in wyoming.

a brown inchworm, he is looping aimlessly across nevada. he has stopped at various towns, but never for long.

perhaps this inchworm, he is a drifter.

now he has stopped at a tiny little town which is called tilapia.

that is interesting.

july 29

i am standing along a dusty road upon the canadian border. i am holding out my small furry white thumb.

a large truck hauling logs, its air brakes are squawking and it is rolling to a stop.

the truck driver, he is loading the bicycle and the red wagon and iron john into the cab. I am scrambling up onto the seat.

et où allons-nous ce jour beau avec une si grande enclume, mon petit chat charmant?

me and iron john, we are heading to tilapia, nevada. trout fishing in america, we believe he is there.

alors, les poissons truite, il a sauvé?

yup! but trout fishing in america, he is a tilapia. he is not a trout. me and iron john, we have been to see america!

des poissons d’animal de compagnie ils briseront toujours votre coeur.

july 31
tilapia, nevada

me and iron john, we have rented a elegant and spacious hotel room. with two king-size beds!

iron john, he is resting on his side of the room and i have turned on the history channel for him to watch.

trout fishing in america, he is happily swimming around and around in his ziploc bag upon the night stand.

me, i am bouncing and leaping and flipping upon this springy bed.

Gracie’s
World,
June
2007

June 1

This here, it is a real nice and sunny day.

Pia and Chessie, they are stretched out unconscious upon the lawn chairs with festive drinks containing little umbrellas and zucchini slices where their eyes ought to be. Nini, she is wearing a straw sun hat wreathed with plastic purple zinnias and she is on her knees troweling around the junipers. Mimulus Beak, he is selling electric toothbrushes to some wrens in the forsythias.

Me, I am wearing my new eyeglasses and I am setting under the weeping willow tree and I am eating bananas and I am reading this here Harry Potter book.

That Lord Voldemort, he is a terrible guy.

There goes Snooples. Snooples, she is mowing the lawn with the roly poly motorless lawn mower. Snooples, she is singing a song about a Bumble Bee.

There goes Snooples past again singing that Bumble Bee song.

There goes Snooples past again singing something about My Napsack On My Back.

There goes Snooples past again singing Westward Ho Tilapias.

Good gracious. I have forgotten to feed the Tilapia Fishes.

I shall mark my place in this here Harry Potter book with a banana peel and I shall go feed the Tilapia Fishes.

* * * * *

I have entered the dim and cavernous basement which smells like rhutabagas and I am reaching all around for the lightbulb chain.

The Tilapia Fishes, they are milling happily around the bubblers in their wading pools. The Tilapia Fishes, they are fanning their fins in a pleased manner. They are gazing up at this here can of Bulpers Tilapia Treat with large wet eyes.

I shall now sprinkle these here pellets of Bulpers Tilapia Treat upon the waters.

The Tilapia Fishes, they are contentedly gumming pellets of Bulpers Tilapia Treat.

Feeding the Tilapia Fishes, it is always very relaxing.

Huh.

Trout Fishing in America. He appears to be missing.

Perhaps Trout Fishing in America, he is dead. Fishes. Sometimes they up and die.

However there is no fish floating upon the waters with a glazed expression.

I shall feel around on the bottom of this here wading pool with my paws.

* * * * *

now everybody go right ahead and give this here a try!

Chickenloaf and Fifi and Ben, they are setting around the dining room table and they are struggling with chopsticks. Chessie, she is strangling a chopstick in her fist and she is jabbing it into her bowl of buttered rice.

CEASE THESE HERE CHOPSTICK ACTIVITIES IMMEDIATELY. TROUT FISHING IN AMERICA, HE HAS GONE MISSING.

June 3

We have been creeping around the basement with flashlights in search of Trout Fishing in America for 29 hours.

Snooples, she is on all fours and she is tip toeing along next to the fuel tank. Snooples she is wearing a little miner’s helmet with a light on the front. Snooples, she is calling heeeeeeeere trout fishing in america!

Chickenloaf, she is under some sort of bow-legged cast iron contraption with fancy lettering on the front and all you can see is her hind foots.

Chessie, she is frowning over a cardboard box of old doll clothes.

Me, I wonder where this here dank, dark tunnel festooned with musty cobwebs clutched by pale and bulbous spiders leads to.

I shall send Chessie down this tunnel.

June 7

Continuing to rummage through the basement in search of Trout Fishing in America.

Look what I found.

Fifi Laphroag, she is cradling a old greenish blue canning jar in her paws. The canning jar, it has some sort of tin conglomeration screwed to its neck. That tin conglomeration, it is full of evenly spaced holes. Pill bugs, they are living in the holes.

THAT THERE IS A OLD FASHIONED BOMB.

It is? Fifi Laphroag’s eyes, they have become large and round.

YUP THAT THERE IS A REAL OLD BOMB. THEY DO NOT MAKE THEM LIKE THAT ANYMORE.

Gosh.

Fifi Laphroag, she is admiringly turning the canning jar over and over in her paws.

It’s a chick waterer.

Pia, she is pushing up the sleeves of a oversize sweatshirt which I think is Mom’s. Pia, she is dumping a drywall bucket full of rusted nuts and bolts all over the floor.

NO IT IS A BOMB. ANYWAYS I AM PRETTY SURE IT IS A BOMB.

You fill it with water, and you turn it upside down. The chick’s put their beaks in the holes.

Huh. I did not know that.

NO WAY IT IS A BOMB.

It’s a chick waterer. Polesaw’s got a dozen of them in his hen house.

I AM CERTAIN IT IS A BOMB. THERE WAS ONE JUST LIKE IT ON THE HISTORY CHANNEL.

Fucking chick waterer.

Pia, she dumps a sack of moldy and soggy potting soil all over the rusted nuts and bolts. Speckled lizards, they scramble off in all directions.

No Tilapia here.

Pia, she dusts off her paws and marches over to the hot water heater.

Pia, she raps her knuckles on the hot water heater. Pia, she places her ear to the hot water heater.

June 11

We have dragged everything that is not bolted down out of the basement and we have placed everything in the driveway. Chessie, she is carting items around upon a rented forklift.

I bet Trout Fishing in America, he is hiding in one of these here photograph albums.

Ha ha ha! Here is photograph of Charlie. It is back when he was a little bitty kid.

Charle, he is holding a badmitten racket and he is wearing little trousers which come down only to the knees and are twisted sideways.

Here is Charlie in a Kitten Scout uniform plus knee socks. Charlie, he has a lot of Kitten Scout badges.

Here is Pia in a pink sunsuit and pink plastic flip flops, holding a doll with no clothes and no hair by one arm. This is at some amusement park. There is a roller coaster swooping off into the distance.

Here is one of them crinkly edged photographs from back in the days when the world was black and white. Some guy, he is wearing a straw hat and he is standing next to a pair of puzzled looking horses.

The date along the edge of this here photograph: It says 1901.

That there, it is probably Dad.

June 13

Well we have to vacuum the basement floor. Plus put everything back into its Rightful Place. Plus return the forklift before suppertime. Plus now we are grounded for 3 years.

Also: no Trout Fishing in America.

Also that photograph, it was not Dad.

June 15

MOM. I REQUIRE SIX HUNDRED AND NINETY DOLLARS IMMEDIATELY IN ORDER TO PLACE A LOST FISH NOTICE IN THE CLASSIFIED SECTIONS OF THE NEW YORK TIMES AND THE PHILADELPHIA ENQUIRER.

Forget it.

Mom simply does not know the value of the printed word.

That is okay I will use this here credit card of Dads.

June 17

Observing activities in the neighborhood underneath the Spiarea bushes using one of Dads antique box cameras.

The neighborhood underneath the Spiarea bushes, for some reason everything is upside down.

Two chipmunks wearing navy blue baseball caps, they are standing with a chipmunk-size bicycle between them and they are squealing furiously at one another. First one chipmunk, he yanks the bicycle toward himself. Then the other chipmunk, he yanks the bicycle toward himself. Every so often one or the other of them chipumunks, he pops straight up into the air.

Only of course, that chipmunk: he pops upside down. I cannot figure why that chipmunk, he does not fall off into outer space.

>click<

There. I have snapped a photograph of one of them chipmunks in midair with his mouth wide open and his fat little arms gesticulating wildly.

They are plastic! They are cheap!

Mimulus Beak, he is hopping upside down into the scene. Mimulus Beak, he is pushing a cart littered with various types of staple pullers.

Oh, they are not staple pullers. They are little toys.

Mimulus Beak, he is turning a key on the back of one of them little toys. He is setting the toy in front of a sparrow chick which has been setting sprattle legged on the sidewalk drawing with colored chalks. That toy, it buzzes around in a wobbly pattern, sputters, and keels over.

The sparrow chick, it hands Mimulus Beak three nickels and grabs up the little toy.

Mimulus Beak, he is winding the key on the back of another toy. Mimulus Beak, he sets that toy down in front of a fat little woodchuck which is jumping rope upside down.

Good gracious that toy, it has buzzed right off the face of the earth!

Oh I get it. It is a little airplane.

The fat little woodchuck, he gazes wistfully at that airplane.

That little airplane, it has buzzed into the side of my head.

June 20

CHESSIE WHAT THE HELL. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO KEEP JUNK OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY DAD SAID.

i am having a whuddyacallit. a yard sale.

Chessie, she is setting on one of her old kitten-size aluminum folding chairs. Spread out on her old kitten-size aluminum tea party table is a collection of old doll clothes with freezer tape price tags stuck onto them.

I pick up a pair of frilly pink panties. There is a scissored hole for a tail.

CHESSIE NOBODY IS EVER IN A BILLION YEARS GOING TO PAY $7,800 FOR AN ITEM SUCH AS THIS.

well there is this here thing which is called free enterprise. in case you did not know.

Chessie, she has folded her arms and she is scowling.

WELL ANYWAYS DAD IS GOING TO YELL.

Chessie, she glowers and starts kicking a table leg.

ALSO THIS: YOU WILL SUNBURN YOUR EARS.

Chessie glowers and kicks.

FINE STAY HERE AND SLIDE INTO OBJECTIFIED POVERTY. ME, I SHALL GO OVER TO MR. POLESAW’S AND I WILL MAKE SOME REAL MONEY.

Chessie glowers and kicks.

GROWING PUNKINS. THAT IS WHERE THE BIG MONEY IS.

Chessie glowers and kicks.

Pia, she has started the beat up old Miata. It is rattling and shaking and coughing and making a complicated knocking sound. Snooples, she is climbing in next to Pia, wearing her new round-toed red sneakers and her napsack on her back.

Pia, she is honking the horn, so I have to go.

June 23

Blowing spittle bugs off of Ninis Nasturtiums with the air compressor hose.

Chessie, she is still setting out there in the driveway. All them stupid doll clothes, they are folded neatly upon that old tea party table. I can see the back of Chessies head from here.

Chessies ears, they are coated with sunscreen.

June 25

We are piling into Charlies Mini Cooper. We are going to go eat hoagies. Then we are going to go rollerskating.

Charlie, he is going to teach us how to roller skate backwards without pitching over and busting our heads.

Chessie, she has refused to go.

Chessie, she is setting with her arms folded at that table full of doll clothes.

Anyways, Chessie hates rollerskating. As it puts her in mind of ball bearings.

June 29

Sunday morning.

Pia, she has all sorts of pliers spread across the kitchen table and Pia is making cat bracelets.

Snooples and me, we are washing and drying last night’s pizza pans. Snooples, she is singing I GOT WORMS YOU GOT WORMS ALL GOD’S CHILDRENS GOT WORMS.

Me, I can see the top of Chessies small stubborn head out there at the end of the driveway. All them folded doll clothes.

This makes me gloomy somehow.

I know. I shall go down to the driveway. I shall magnanimously purchase a pair of bloomers or something.

* * * * *

HOW MUCH FOR THIS HERE UM…

pinafore. $8,900.

I HAVE ARRIVED TO MAGNANIMOUSLY PURCHASE THIS HERE, UM, PINAFORE FOR 25 CENTS.

sticker says $8,900.

OKAY. FIFTY FIVE CENTS.

$8,900. firm.

FIFTY SEVEN CENTS. I AM AFRAID THAT WILL BE MY FINAL OFFER.

this ain’t no soethby’s.

Chessie, she snaps the pinafore away, folds it neatly, and slaps it back onto the table.

GODDAMNIT CHESSIE

Oh what absolutely darling little kitten panties!

A sleek gray automobile, it is purring alongside the road and a white-gloved lady wearing a coordinated beige outfit plus a hat which resembles a birds nest, she is is holding up them $7,800 frilly panties.

i ain’t giving no discounts. let’s get that clear.

Chessie, she thumps the table with her small furry white fist.

I simply have to have these for little Wiki-Poo.

That white-gloved lady, she is digging around in a purse the size of a pillow case. Soirée en Paris perfume, it is billowing everywheres.

Here is $10,000! You cute little itty bitty snoogum woogums.

Chessie, she grudgingly takes the clutch of $100 bills. Chessie, she counts them $100 bills twice. Chessie, she painstakingly prints a receipt in dark pencil. Chessie, she prints

ALL SALES FINAL!!

in big block letters across the top.

Another automobile, real slopy and red, it has pulled up behind that big gray one. Another automobile with huge black fenders, it has pulled up behind that one. Plus another automobile with a hood ornament which is a chrome leaping naked guy.

Ladies wearing birds nest hats and straw hats and little cotton visor hats, they are pawing through them doll clothes. They are holding up items and they are all dewey eyed. Them ladies, they are delightedly shrieking.

Chessie, she scowls and collects thick perfumey stacks of money.

June 30

It is 5 a.m.

Some kind of commotion is going on out in the back yard. All the dogs at the Gateway House for Homely Dogs, they are hysterically barking and they are bouncing upon their foots.

I shall pad down the hallway in my pajamas and I shall stand up on my toes with my paws upon this here window sill and I shall peer through the pitcher window in order to ascertain what the heck is going on.

Good gracious Chessie. She is out there standing in the back yard and she is wearing a hard hat. Chessie, she is directing the operations of a enormous crane.

That enormous crane, it is lowering a olympic size swimming pool into the back yard.

Gracie’s
World,
February
2007

February 1

YOU SIMPLY CANNOT SERVE HOT POOP BEVERAGES WITH MARSMALLOWS TO UNSUSPECTING INDIVIDUALS. THAT THERE IS AGAINST THE LAW.

Chessie, she is standing at the stove and she is gripping a enormous wooden spoon in both small white fists. Chessie, she is stirring a vat of Bubbling Crappochino.

Snooples, she is dumping a entire bag of tiny marshmallows into the Bubbling Crappochino. Those tiny marshmallows, they are floating all over the top.

this here, we are cooking this for them homely dogs.

yeah they know all about it.

it is okay.

Snooples, she is grating nutmeg over the Bubbling Crappochino. Chessie, she is slurping a sample of the Bubbling Crappochino off of that enormous wooden spoon.

this here Crappochino, it is almost ready!

i shall start the muffins!

Pias cellular phone, it is buzzing around in circles upon the kitchen table.

I guess I will answer Pias cellular phone.

HELLO. NO, PIA WILL NOT BE ABLE TO DO THAT. BYE.

Some guy from Columbia Records.

February 3

Using Charlies reflecting astronomical telescope to observe activities beneath the spiraea bushes.

The residents at the Gateway House for Homely Dogs, apparently they are enjoying some sort of Winter Fest.

Those homely dogs, they are singing loud polka songs. There is a accordion.

Snooples and Chessie, they are dressed in long skirts and white aprons and poofy white caps with lace trims. Snooples and Chessie, they are carrying around trays laden with steaming mugs of Crappochino. The aroma of Crappochino and marshmallows, it is wafting all the way over here to the porch.

Ben, he is stepping out onto a little makeshift stage in the Gateway House. Ben, he is wearing lederhosens.

Ben, he is tuning his guitar.

Ben, he is singing OLD RATTLER.

Now Ben, he is singing RATTLER’S PUP.

Now Ben, he is singing RATTLER’S GRANDPUPS.

Now Ben, he is singing RATTLER’S GREAT GRANDPUPS.

A chorus of gravelly-voiced Blue Tick Hounds, they have joined Ben upon the stage. Those gravelly-voiced Blue Tick Hounds, they are playing ninis antique laundry implements.

Ben and those Blue Tick Hounds, they are singing SKIDDIN’ ‘ROUND THE LAWN.

The homely dogs, they are line dancing.

Damn it, this telescope, it has gone out of focus. Now it has toppled off its tripod. Now it is rolling across the porch.

There. That is better.

Snooples and Chessie, they are presenting a enormous chocolate cake which is bristling with candles to a wrinkled Bulldog.

Everybody, they are singing HAPPY BIRTHDAY OLD CHOMPERS.

Old Chompers, he is dabbling his eyes with his kerchief.

Well, I guess I will go to bed.

February 5, 2007

Hello There Muffin:

You might be interested in this:

Nini and President Jimmy Carter: They are authoring a book.

However, they are disagreeing upon the title. President Jimmy Carter, he wants to call that book The Narrow Path of the Righteous Guy.

Nini, she wants to call it Worms, Worms Everywhere.

It will be available in 9 languages.

Yours Truly,

GDL

February 7, 2007

Dear Muffin,

Guess what we are having a school play.

Me, I am participating in the school play. I am The Hunchback of the Opera. That there is the leading role.

It will launch my career most likely.

Yours,

Gracie De La Rue
Lead Actor
The Hunchback of the Opera

February 11, 2007

Dear Muffin:

Also there is a new crow at school. His name is Jose Cuervo.

Yours,

GDL

February 12

to be! or…um…maybe not to be, i guess.

Tragical theatre class. Snooples, she is up in front of the class. Snooples, she is dressed in long Elizabethan robes and a Elizabethan hat shaped like a kaizer roll.

Snooples, she is performing Hamlet.

anyways i reckon that there is the question.

Everybody, they are stomping and applauding. They are giving Snooples a standing ovation. The crows, they are hopping all over the desks.

Snooples, she is blushing in a pleased manner right through her fur. Snooples, she is making her way back to her seat.

Me, I am experimenting with how many small yellow post-it notes I can stick to the back of Bens head.

28 post-it notes so far.

February 15

Snooples and me, we are over at Vladimir Polesaw’s place.

We are in the Horse Barn. We are feeding Vladimir Polesaw’s Work Horses.

Them Work Horses, they are happily stamping. Them Work Horses, they are mashing Bulper’s Work Horse Delight with their tooths.

Them Work Horses, they are purring.

i think muffin, she is a horse.

NO WAY MUFFIN IS NOT A HORSE.

yeah i am pretty sure that she is a horse.

Snooples, she is petting the nose of the big bread-colored Horse named Bill.

MUFFIN DEFINITELY IS NOT A HORSE. HORSES, THEY ARE LAME.

Snooples shrugs and picks up the empty Horse Food Pail. Snooples trudges out of the Horse Barn silouetted against the snow in her red and black plaid Woolrich coat and cap and her red barn boots.

February 17, 2007

Dear Muffin:

Get this. Snooples, she says that you are a horse. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Yours Truly

Gracie De La Rue

February 20, 2007

Muffin:

I am not kidding she says you are a horse.

But you are not a horse.

Yours Truly

Gracie

February 22, 2007

Muffin:

Please write back as soon as possible with assurances that you are not a horse.

Yours in good health,

Gracie De La Rue

February 23, 2007

Muffin:

Ha ha what am I thinking. You are not a horse.

Regards,

GDL>

February 24, 2007

Muffin:

Am anxiously awaiting confirmation as to whether or not you are a horse.

Yours,

GDL

February 26, 2007

Dear Muffin:

Okay here’s the deal I am going to assume that you are not a horse unless notified otherwise.

Yours,

- G

February 28

Minding Snooples and Chessie while everybody else, they are out shopping for a snow blower.

Snooples, she is singing POOR WAYFARING DINGO DOG in a high and thready voice. Snooples, she is mashing old bananas. Snooples, she is making banana breads.

I do not know what Chessie is doing. Chessie, she appears to be nowheres around.

Also Chessie: She is being too quiet.

I had better stop practicing my lines for The Hunchback of the Opera and I had better go look for Chessie.

Chessie, she is busy with scissors and glue and saran wrap at the dining room table.

CHESSIE WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING HAD BETTER NOT BE ILLEGAL.

i am making this here poopie cushion.

EXCUSE ME?

this here is a poopie cushion.

WHAT THE HELL IS A POOPIE CUSHION THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.

somebody sits on it and it shits everywheres.

Huh.

THAT THERE IS A GOOD IDEA.

Gracie’s
World,
January
2007

January 1

Everybody but me, they are still a-bed.

Well I guess Snooples, she is up. On account of Snooples, she is pulling the paper streamers off of the pipe organ.

Me, I am setting out here on the portch drinking a Dr. Kook.

January 2

The neighborhood underneath the Spiarea bushes, it is littered all over the place with little scraps of sparkly papers. Also bursted balloons. Also empty bottles and paper floots.

Two hedgehogs, they are sweeping. A third hedgehog, he is repairing the cracked windows of the Fearful Porpentine.

I have never seen them hedgehogs before.

January 4

Am observing the neighborhood underneath the Spiarea bushes with this here old nautical telescope.

The street, it is deserted as it is early in the morning.

There goes the mink off to work in his ermine hat and coat.

That mink, he is pocketing the keys to his Bentley. That mink, he is opening the doors to his furrier shop.

There goes the nuthatch which operates Chez Beak during the winter hopping along the sidewalk with a brown paper parcel from the butcher shop.

There goes a bunch of chickadees.

Them chickadees, they are wearing matching striped stocking hats. They are toting ice skates. They are singing I GOT SEEDS YOU GOT SEEDS

January 7

We are setting around the dining room table and we are playing Attach the Gall Bladder.

Outside it is sleets and freezing rains.

Snooples, she is clasping the plastic gallbladder with the special gall bladder tongs.

Snooples, she is attempting to attach the gall bladder.

Brrrrrrzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Snooples, she has been unsuccessful at attaching the gall bladder.

Now it is Fifi Laphroags turn.

Fifi Laphroag, she has attached the gall bladder. Fifi Laphroag, she has accomplished this in less than a second.

Fifi Laphroag, she is beaming.

Now it is Chessies turn.

Chessie, she has produced a ball peen hammer. Chessie, she has banged that gall bladder into place.

The Attach the Gall Bladder game, it is in pieces. Wires are sproinging in various directions.

Everybody, they are silent.

January 10

It is snowing and snowing. We are playing board games once again.

home is where the turkey is!

Snooples, she has poured the dice out of her Parcheesi cup. Snooples, she is tapping a blue Parcheesi guy up the squares to Home. A little plastic turkey, it is waiting in Home.

OKAY HERE IS YOUR QUESTION. WHAT FAMOUS BLUES MUSICIAN ONCE RESCUED A COW.

oh that is easy. porky hoots!

Snooples is advancing her Red Knight to Queen’s Pawn.

check!

Snooples is picking up her 6 cards.

i shall now shoot the moon!

Uh oh now Snooples, she gets to declare the trumps. That is real bad for the rest of us.

SNOOPLES YOU CANNOT LEAD WITH A THREE OF CLUBS THAT IS STUPID.

Snooples, she has drained everybody of all their clubs in one round. Chessie, she has slapped down the 2 of clubs. Chessie, she has folded her arms and she is scowling.

that gives me low and high!

YEAH HOWEVER YOU HAVE SHOOTED THE MOON. IF YOU DO NOT GET JACK AND THE GAME YOU WILL DEFAULT UPON YOUR LOAN. THEN YOU WILL HAVE TO AUCTION OFF PARK PLACE AND ALL OF ITS FURNITURES. THEN CHESSIE, SHE WILL BE IN A IDEAL POSITION TO SINK YOUR BATTLESHIP.

Snooples eyes, they have become large and wet.

WELL I AM JUST SAYING.

Snooples is sucking upon one claw.

Snooples, she has laid down the Jack of Clubs.

Snooples, she has laid down the King of Clubs.

Snooples, she has laid down the Queen of Clubs.

Snooples, she has laid down the Ace of Clubs.

Snooples, she has cleaned us out of all our cards.

Snooples, she is happily tapping her little plastic soldier around the Monopoly board. Snooples, she has collected 5 hotels. Plus 8 Scrabble tiles.

Snooples, she has just spelled Quixotic for 70 points.

However, Chickenloaf: She has just jumped over 7 of Snooples checkers. Chickenloaf, she now has 3 kings.

This ties Chickenloaf and Snooples and Pia for first place.

This game, it is getting pretty good.

i am tired of this game. i have to pee.

CHESSIE STOP KICKING THE TABLE LEG. YOU ARE TOPPLING THE LINCOLN LOGS.

anyways it is a dumb game. we have got no snakes or ladders.

NO MATTER. WE MUST MAKE DO.

also no spirographs. how can we break the tie without the spirographs.

KIDS IN THE OLDEN DAYS ALL THEY HAD TO PLAY WITH WERE OLD CHICKEN FOOTS.

Shut up and roll the Yahtzee dice. Let’s wrap this up.

Chickenloaf, she places 6 Lincoln logs in front of Pia who is restringing her bass guitar.

Oh here comes Charlie stamping in from the snow.

Charlie, he is unwrapping his scarf and he is shaking the snow from out of his tweed cap.

Charlie, he has brought the Chinese take out foods plus the Harry Potter DVD.

January 15

We are in the large oats field up above the house and we are sledding in that oats field.

Chessie and Chickenloaf and Ben and Snooples and Fifi Laphroag plus one of the squirrels from the neighborhood underneath the Spiarea bushes, they are packed onto Charlies rickety old Toboggan.

I am not certain which squirrel that is. Oh it is Garlic Chives.

Me, I am standing here rubbing wax upon the runners of my nice new Flexible Flyer.

kick the tobbogan with your boot!

Chessie, she is at the front of that toboggan. Chessie, she is wearing a aviators cap with the ear flaps flapping.

CHESSIE WHERE DID YOU GET THEM GOGGLES WITH THE WOLFERINE FUR AROUND THE RIMS.

the toboggan! kick it with your boot!

THEM GOGGLES. THEY LOOK LIKE MR. POLESAWS GOGGLES FROM THE WAR.

kick the toboggan! kick it!

Chickenloaf, she is at the back of the toboggan. Chickenloaf, she has turned around and she is trying to push against the snow with her mittened paws.

That toboggan, it does not budge.

ANYWAYS, THAT THERE TOBOGGAN. IT WILL WRECK TO SMITHEREENS.

kick it!

TOBOGGANS, THEY ALWAYS WRECK TO SMITHEREENS.

kick it! kick it!

THAT THERE TOBOGGAN, IT IS MOSTLY DUCT TAPE.

oh goddamnit.

Chessie, she has extricated herself from the front of that toboggan. Chessie, she is marching around behind that toboggan.

Chessie, she is giving that toboggan a shove.

There goes that toboggan down the hill with all them hapless victims.

Chickenloafs powder blue mittens, they are still stuck here in the snow.

January 20

Well vacation is over and we are getting ready for school. Me, I am clacking down the hallway in my new black and brown saddle oxfords.

These new black and brown saddle oxfords, they clack in a authoritative manner.

Oh great heavens, what is going on now.

Snooples and Chessie and Ben, they are in the living room and they have the ironing board and the steam iron out. Snooples and Chessie and Ben, they are ironing their ears.

SNOOPLES CHESSIE AND BEN, THAT THERE IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.

but it is comme il faut!

also it is the current fashion!

YOU WILL GO DEAF.

not possible!

FINE TOAST YOUR EARS AND BECOME DEAF AND WHATNOT.

Chessie, she has returned to ironing her ears.

Ben, he is holding a hand-mirror at all angles and he is admiring his smooth ears.

January 21

Lunch Room

We are enjoying a special New Years lunch of banana salad and squabs.

Nini and Ben and Chessie, they are at the front of the Lunch Room and they are wearing matching sequined pantsuits. Nini, she is playing the piano. Ben, he is playing a trumpet with some kind of mute stuck in the end. Chessie, she is rattling maracas.

What is that awful song they are playing. Oh it is GIRL FROM IMPANEMA

January 23

Lunch Room

We are setting next to the goats. I do not like setting next to the goats.

The goats, they slap the table and blatt at their own jokes. Plus they snap their lunch trays in half over their heads. Then they munch up their lunch trays in an exceedingly loud manner.

Snooples, she is slicing a strawberry into thin slices. Snooples, she is placing those slices upon Triscuits. Snooples, she is feeding those strawberry slices upon the Triscuits to a tiny goat with a red bell around its neck.

SNOOPLES FEEDING GOATS WILL GET YOU NOWHERE IN LIFE.

There goes the rest of Snooples strawberry slices into that goat.

January 25

oh the chicken went down the toilet!

and the chicken went out to sea!

Horrible sloshing sounds, they are coming from the bathroom. I shall thump upon the door.

oh the chicken went down the toilet!

SNOOPLES AND CHESSIE ENOUGH OF THAT THERE SLOSHING.

Dead silence.

There that is better.

I shall now retire to the living room with my Nancy Drew book.

oh the chicken went down the toilet!

and the chicken went out to sea!

I have returned to the bathroom and I have flung open the door.

Snooples and Chessie, they have tied their leotards in knots. They have filled the toilet with purple dye. they are sloshing their leotards up and down with the toilet plunger.

oh the chicken went down the toilet!

STOP THAT AWFUL SONG RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

but we are tye dying the leotards!

YOU MUST DESIST IMMEDIATELY. THAT THERE IS BAD FOR TOILETS.

okay.

Chessie, she has pushed down upon the flush handle.

There goes all the leotards down the toilet.

January 26

We are out sledding while Dad fixes the toilet.

Snooples and Chessie, they wish to send the lifesize plastic deer down the hill upon a sled.

but he is wearing a nice warm snowsuit!

NO MATTER. IT’S LEGS WILL SNAP OFF.

but we have secured him with these here ropes!

I FORBID THIS. IT SHALL NOT COME TO PASS.

Chessie, she has given that sled a shove.

There goes the lifesize plastic deer sailing down the hill.

There goes the lifesize plastic deers legs all over the place.

January 27

Saturday morning. Thank heavens.

I shall have a nice mug of hot Ovaltine and I shall sit quietly.

What is this. The whole kitchen smells of glue.

The life size plastic deer, it is laying upon the kitchen table. The life size plastic deer, it is festooned with various clamps.

Snooples, she is wearing a surgeons head lamp. Snooples, she is pulling off a pair of rubber surgery gloves.

i have done all i can!

Chessie, she is sternly scrubbing various surgical instruments in the kitchen sink.

SNOOPLES AND CHESSIE YOU HAD BETTER MOVE THAT THERE DEER. NINI IS BAKING BREAD TODAY.

but he continues to be under anesthesia!

NO MATTER. NINIS BREAD WILL NOT WAIT.

we will have to call a Life Flight Helicopter.

Chessie, she is speaking authoritatively and she is frowning at the soapy scalpel in her fist.

THEM HELICOPTERS, THEY DO NOT HAVE DEER ATTACHMENTS.

Later in the Afternoon

The life size plastic deer, it is dangling on cables from the Life Flight Helicopter. That Life Flight Helicopter, it is pivoting about. That Life Flight Helicopter, it is flying off to Charlies veterinary clinic.

We are standing around in the yard with the entire population from the neighborhood underneath the Spiarea bushes. We are waving at the Helicopter.

have this here nice hot drink!

Snooples, she is standing next to me wearing several old flannel shrits and Chickenloafs old patched corderouys with the faded bumblebees and Charlies gigantic barn boots.

Snooples, she is holding out in her raggedy mittens a steaming mug of some sort of chocolate beverage.

That chocolate beverage, little marshmallows are floating around on top.

This chocolate beverage, it is delicious.

it is crappochino! i invented it for the homely dogs!

I have spit that horrible beverage all over the snow.

Gracie’s
World,
December
2006

December 24

11:46 p.m.

“You see, George? You have been given a great gift. You’ve been given the chance to see what the world would have been like if you had never been born.”

This here movie, it is preposterous.

I will turn off the television set and I will go to bed. On account of everybody else, they are in bed. On account of Santa Claus, he will be here soon.

WHO THE HELL LEFT THE FRONT DOOR OPEN ARE YOU NUTS. IT IS WINTERTIME WE COULD ALL DIE.

I bet Chessie, she is the one which left the front door open.

Also it has stopped snowing. Well, that is probably good.

Oh boy, here is a UPS box upon the porch! This UPS box, it has Christmas stickers and labels and whatnot all over it. This UPS box, I bet it is from Muffin.

Penn State Holiday Cheesebox. What the hell is a Penn State Holiday Cheesebox.

Also it is addressed to Eben Flow, the TV repair guy. Eben Flow, he lives way the heck over on the hill above the other side of town.

I shall take this here Cheesebox inside and enjoy the cheeses.

* * *

However, Eben Flow, he has all them little kids. Them little kids, they are probably in their pajamas. Them little kids, they are probably standing on their toes and they have their paws pressed upon the window and they are looking out the window and they are waiting for UPS to bring them this here Cheesebox. But the Cheesebox, it never does show up.

That is terrible. I shall take this here Cheesebox over to them little kids right away.

Nah. I shall go inside and enjoy these here cheeses.

* * *

What the fuck. My foot, it has mushed right through these here flooboards on this here porch. Dad, he will have to fix this here floorboard.

DAD YOU MUST GET OUT OF BED RIGHT AWAY AND FIX THE PORCH. ON ACCOUNT OF SANTA CLAUS, HE WILL BE ARRIVING SOON.

Dad, he does not answer. I shall have to go inside and yell directly into Dads ears.

The front door. It has fell right off its rusty hinges and it has crashed upon the porch.

* * *

Holy crap the house. It is dark and empty and cruddy. The Turkey Rug and the Television Set and the Victrola: they are all gone.

MOM BEN SNOOPLES CHESSIE PIA EVERYBODY YOU MUST EVACUATE THE HOUSE SO THAT DAD, HE CAN FIX IT AGAIN IN TIME FOR SANTA CLAUS.

MOM BEN SNOOPLES CHESSIE…

Huh. I guess everybody, they have went off to the shopping mall in Altoona. They are most likely purchasing a large surprise which I shall enjoy tomorrow.

Yup, everybody, they have definitely went off to the shopping mall in Altoona. On account of both trucks plus the Miata plus the Mini Cooper, they are gone.

I guess I will set here on the porch steps with this here Cheesebox and wait for everybody to return home.

* * *

It certainly is taking everybody a terribly long time with which to return home from that there mall. I suppose everybody, they are purchasing numerous high-quality gifts, many of which are for myself. That there will be real nice.

* * *

Uh oh.

What if Santa Claus, he shows up with all them reindeers. And I am setting on the porch with this here Cheesebox. Which actually belongs to them little kids. Over at Eben Flows house.

Then probably all I will get for Christmas is dried collie poop.

I must deliver this Cheesebox right away.

I shall pull that Cheesebox over there on Snooples Flexible Flyer sled. That is what I will do. As it is a good seven miles.

Then I will be a Christmas Hero. Perhaps they will even make a movie.

* * *

Am digging through the ancient junk-filled shed which is rotten and sagging at precarious angles in search of Snooples Flexible Flyer sled.

However, I cannot find Snooples Flexible Flyer sled.

Here is a sled which says Rosebud it will have to do.

* * *

Pulling this here Cheesebox strapped onto the sled along the streets of Bassettville.

Bassetville, it appears to be particularly busy tonight.

* * *
Bassettville, it has been changed to Abelmuryville. Why the hell they did that I do not know. It is rather difficult to pronounce.

Muzzlewhite’s Pawn Shop…Wysiwyg School of Modeling…Ben’s Bank and Trust…

Ha ha ha Bens Bank and Trust…What the hell.

* * *
I shall stop at this here Radio Shack store and inquire as to what precisely is going on.

EXCUSE ME DORKY LOOKING RADIO SHACK CLERK WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON OH YOU ARE WALTER WHITMAN.

Dude. Nobody’s called me that since the school closed up 15 years ago.

Huh. The school, it is closed up. That there is a big improvement.

I know. I shall consult my Web site on this here display computer. I am sure everything, it is documented there. Snooples, she is very diligent about documentations.

Aaaaaagh!

* * *
Have commenced running haphazardly down the sidewalk.

As this town, it is giving me the damned creeps.

Kitten World!…Live Kittens!…Kittens! Kittens! Kittens!…

* * *
Thank heavens there is Snooples lounging over there on that dark and trash-strewn street corner.

SNOOPLES WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. ALSO WHY ARE YOU DRESSED ALL IN TIGHT RED LEATHER. UM, ALSO WHY ARE YOU SMOKING THAT TURD-COLORED CIGARETTE.

it’s not a cigarette, dumbass.

SNOOPLES WE MUST RETURN HOME IMMEDIATELY. MY WEB SITE, IT HAS BEEN HACKED BY A PIG.

where do you get off calling me snooples. the name’s ice kitten.

NONSENSE YOU KNOW VERY WELL YOUR NAME, IT IS NOT ICE KITTEN.

Snooples, she is grinding out the stub of the cigarette under her spike-heeled boot. Snooples, she is pulling out a knife.
SNOOPLES YOU MUST PUT DOWN THAT KNIFE RIGHT THIS MINUTE. KNIFES, THEY ARE VERY SHARP.

you and your cheesebox take a hike, you fucking weirdo.

I guess talking to Snooples, it is of no use.

However I have an idea.

SNOOPLES WHERE PRECISELY IS PIA. I MUST DELIVER THIS HERE CHEESEBOX TO PIA.

how do you know pia. Snooples has narrowed her eyes and folded her ears back.

PIA? OH, JUST THROUGH THESE HERE CHEESEBOX SALES. NOTHING SAYS HAPPY HOLIDAYS LIKE THESE HERE CHEESEBOXES!

she’s about to close up the library.

Snooples, she lights another cigarette, hisses out a stream of catnip smoke, and stalks off.

RIGHT! I’LL JUST BE GOING THEN.

* * *

EXCUSE ME I AM LOOKING FOR A BOOK ON THE HISTORY OF BASSETTVILLE. CIRCA 1990-2006.

Well, you won’t find it here, chump.

Pia: she looks rather unusual wearing them steel-rimmed eyeglasses.

WELL PERHAPS YOU CAN ARRANGE A INTER-LIBRARY LOAN. I GUESS THEY DO THOSE THINGS.

Fat chance. Bassettville never existed.

HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT. I WAS SHOVELING SHOW IN BASSETTVILLE 5 HOURS AGO.

Bassettville never existed because you weren’t there to write about it.

THAT THERE CANNOT ACTUALLY BE TRUE. I AM PRETTY SURE I AHVE HAVE WRITTEN A FEW THINGS ABOUT BASSETTVILLE.

You weren’t there to write about it because you were never born. That batch of kittens? There were only three of them: two calicoes, a tiger. See, you’ve been given a great gift…

Bwahhhh! The television set, it is making a awful monotone noise.

I shall stumble off the couch and switch off that there television set.

There that is better.

Merry Christmas!

Everybody, they are standing at the parlor door. They are wearing new Christmas sweaters over top of their pajamas. They are holding mugs of hot Ovaltine.

Snooples, she is shuffling forward in brand-new Porky Pig slippers. Snooples, she has pink curlers all over in her head fur. Snooples, she is handing me a tiny package with a large bow on top.

Oh boy! I am tearing the wrapping paper off this tiny package.

every time this rings, it means there is another visitor on your web site!

Yay it is a awesome new cellular phone!

This here, it is a pretty good life.