Beyond the vision.

Beyond the plan.

There are 4 undeniable functions of a leader.  These are the guiding principles behind the emotionally intelligent and sensitive leaders emerging today.  It is a concept knows as “Servant Leadership”.

Disengaging Your Judge & Jury

by Maria Gamb

The phone rings. It’s a friend.

“Reminder: once you’ve done all you can.. You just stand” ~ Rev. Run

“Um Maria, you need a nap sister.  It’s enough already!”

Me on the other end starring wide-eyed and blinking with confusion.

“What do you mean?”

Her, “I mean enough’s enough.  You’ve had a big year and its time to rest otherwise you’re not going to have enough strength in 2013.”

The tears begin to stream down my face.  “I’m fine!” I was both touched and pissed off simultaneously and completely confused. Feeling embarrassed and ashamed that I had no idea what the hell she was talking about.  I felt fine.  Besides, it was late summer and there was a litany of speaking engagements, clients and my favorite activity in my business – hosting the “Value to Vision Retreat” – coming up.   I thanked her for her concern, placed it in my internal filing cabinet and went about my day.

A few days later I was hit with a wicked cold, which flattened me.  In my ear, I could hear her telling me to lay down, to rest and recover.  Recover? Recover from what?! Yes, it’s been a year of “differents”. But life is a roller coaster. You coast, you adjust, you pick up speed and then come over the top of whatever is going on and you begin again.  No big deal.  It’s just a cycle. Right?

Well this year I dealt with my fiancé having lymphoma and being the primary care taker.  I’ve already shared this with you. I only worked 3 – 3 1/2 days a week because of this.  So it’s not like I drove myself into the ground, right?

 The truth is that life hands us interruptions, as I like to call them. Lymphoma was an interruption that completely realigned my priorities and my life.  It changed my willingness, my faith and my ability to be in the moment.  It also tested my patience, compassion and ability to carve out time that was just my own and had nothing to do with cancer…or work….or anyone else’s needs.  That was the harder part!

 On a spiritual level, there was such a tremendous blessing in something that at times was so scary.  I’m different on the other side of this journey.  I laugh more. I take things less seriously – including my own big bad self. But over the course of the year my body and my mind have been depleted. I’ve been tired more.  If possible there have been days where I would have slept 12+ hours.  But alas, my 4-legged friends had different ideas about when to rise. Thank you very much Nico and Lily! I’d nap occasionally but still soldier on. By 2 or 3pm I would want to curl in a ball and sleep until the next day. I could barely hold my head up.

In a simple business conversation that had nothing to do with any of this, I burst into tears and stated, “I’ve been given a time out, period.”  The woman I was speaking to just held her breath, “What exactly does that mean?”  It means that I’m not supposed to do anything right now.  Just rest. Sleep. Rejuvinate. It was the first time I said it to someone other than my closest friends.  It took my breath away. I could barely breathe. Clearly I did not get the earlier message about making a concerted effort to…..take care of myself and find my own balance.  But the Universe has a really funny way about having people show up in my life and remind me of what needs to be done.

Ok so what does that really mean? Finding my own balance? These are like words spewing from a guru’s lips as they are levitating over a lotus blossom and throwing petals across the masses. Rolling my eyes and sighing even as I type this! I mean, really, doesn’t the Universe know I’m busy? Don’t they know I have my next retreat to market and a sales plan to put in place?  Hey what about all those invitations to speak that must be followed up on? Come on now. Let’s get real (is any of this sounding familiar????)  Don’t you know the line… “I’m on a mission…” etc etc at nauseam. All said with my dramatic hand waving gestures and punctuated with sighs.

Phone rings, it’s that friend again.  I’m thinking, if you tell me to sleep or play I’m going to scream! Who has time for this? No, she’s not calling for that. She’s calling to tell me that I need to find my fulfillment and achievement outside my work. “What?” I’m astounded. Blinking and perplexed once again but finally I get it.

 When going into a “time out” our analytical mind goes nuts.  That part of who we are keeps telling us to drive harder, faster and be more focused.  The analytical mind IS the Nike tag line “Just do it.” The analytical mind will call you lazy and stupid and insane for not using your gifts, talents and brilliance as you grab a cup of tea, a big fluffy blanket and curl up with the cats and a book.  In fact, the analytical mind is a very masculine energy that says, “without results you are nothing”. The Cuba Gooding Jr. shouting in your ear “Show me the money”.  The relentless task master who tells you that if you’re not dragging yourself across your exhaustion on your knees, bruised and bloodied you are clearly not serious enough about your business, your career, goals and aspirations. Been there. Done that. Not interested in that route ever again.

Don’t you just LOVE the analytical mind?!

Sarcasm and vivid imagery aside – the analytical mind is useful and necessary when trying to figure things out.  But when you’re in a “time out” that piece of your mind needs to be appeased or you’ll never get the rest that you so desperately need. The rest is intended for you to recoup your energy.  In a refreshed state you will think more clearly, allow inspiration and ideas to come into play. You can’t do that with the analytical mind yelling at you.

For me, I am that hardcore results orientated person.  I like to SEE things come together, transform, change and have something to hold in my hand.  I’ve always been this way.  I like to touch and feel things.  So the remedy for me is to do something creative.  It could be stain glass. Painting. Drawing, Reupholstering a piece of furniture. Something where I use my hands, and at the end of a period of time I SEE something formed in front of me. I need, it is a need, to hold it.

This accomplishes 2 things:

First, in being creative I am using a different part of my brain and disengaging from just about everything I usually think about – that part of my brain rests. The creative part is playing and enjoying what I am doing.  I am completely engrossed in the process. Which means, I’m outside my norm.

Second, this process also engages the analytical taskmaster who wants to see results and literal accomplishment.  At the end of the creative period I am holding something in my hand that the analytical mind is satisfied with – she made/accomplished “this”. Whatever this is.  It feels safe.  And it quiets down.

We rest. We let go of everything we’re dealing with daily.

We allow ourselves to be open to something new and different.

We give our minds the space to recognize it when we see it.

With all this said, I’m off to the yarn store to purchase needles and yarn.  I’m going to start knitting again. I’m not sure how long my own personal time out will last, but I’m willing to knit until I’m done.  Who knows, you may be receiving a scarf from me if I’m in this self-imposed “time out” for too long! LOL

FYI – these time outs can last a day, a weekend, a week, month or longer.  Depends how much you resist! <wink>

There’s several million dollars at stake on this decision, not to mention the long-term effects on the business. Around the table are team members from her department who are handling the logistics of bringing a certain product into the marketplace. Others are from Jim’s department who handle product development and creation. Additionally, the lead from the Taipei office working with both departments sits by listening to the discussion, taking notes and waiting for a decision on an issue that is now at critical mass based on his timetable.

Jim smirks, and inside he thinks “I’ve got her on the ropes.”
Diane looks sternly at Jim as she moves away from the table. They’ve been arguing for more than an hour in a stuffy conference room about the placement of the current production. This powder keg has been building for months. There have been veiled threats. Information withheld. And Diane is wondering how this all got so out of hand. Jim just wants to “win”. These types of discussions and power plays are sport for him. In his heart he knows that it’s not about the best options, it’s about who wins the battle.

Diane strides across the room to pick up a bottle of water. “How do I get a resolution?”
The light goes on in her mind and she decides to take a different tack. “Four questions” she thinks. “Just four questions and removing my personal emotion brings people back to the core of the issues.”

1 – Find Common Ground and Establish Focus - Ask a Probing Question to find out what the common issue may be. “What problem does not getting this vendor on board create for you?” This question is asked of each of the teams.

2 – Humanize the Exchange – Share something personal about yourself, but keep it associated to the topic at hand. “Yes, this vendor is remarkable. In the past sometimes I’ve found that remarkable may not always mean reliable. This has presented some disruptions in the past on other projects I’ve managed as well.” Or “I had a similar experience with X vendor last year. It was challenging to say the least”. You are signaling to all parties that you have empathy and a sense of connection to the issues.

3 – Bridge the Issues – Create a summation of both parties’ needs/desires in the process. “Is there a way for you to secure a vendor that will provide not only the quality but the continuity required so both of our departments are covered?” This ensures that everyone has been seen, heard and recognized in the discovery process.

4 – Dropping A Defensive Position, Inviting Ideas – “Let’s brainstorm a solution where both/all of our needs are met and the solution is balanced.” My personal favorite is to address the underlying, often subconscious subtext in a gentle manner by saying, “Let’s consider the entire situation so both parties get their needs met and everyone wins.”

These four questions give everyone a chance to say what they need, mean what they say, and stay focused on the bottom line outcome. It minimizes the emotional and ego driven discussions, and fosters a collaborative process to find a solution.

One can take a more aggressive, dominant attitude towards this process. However, most times it results in deadlock. Aggression begets aggression sooner or later. Or even if it does move forward, it’s usually a short-term gain. Why? People who “threaten” one another either literally or figuratively are seen as untrustworthy and imbalanced. Therefore, they damage any long term working relationships they could have with colleagues, vendors and or others in the marketplace. Moreover, when decisions are made from one’s ego and need to win or be right, it is often a decision made for that moment. Indeed, the long term may not have legs underneath it.

Woman are natural born collaborators; willing to bring people together to create a solution. They are able to balance facts and are more willing to create a personal connection to the situation, which evokes empathy. They are more concerned about the group and community winning than themselves. When personal emotion is removed from the conversation, it’s a winning formula.

Next time you’re in a deadlock, try these four questions to bring everyone back to the center and stay focused on the task at hand. There are times when this may not work. But it takes practice and experience to learn when it’s time to simply walk away from the discussion.

“If you don’t know where you are going, how can you expect to get there?”  This is a quote by Basil S. Walsh.

The challenge for many people is knowing where they want to go, and what they want to have, be and achieve.

Imagine going to a mega mall that you have never been to, one where you could get lost in the parking lot, let alone in the mall. Amy and Emma had were overwhelmed by the size of the mall, and how they would find their vehicle after a day of shopping. As they entered the mall they noticed the “you are here” sign. Taking note of the current location was the first step in finding their car at the end of the day and navigating through the mall. This sign helped them Get Positioned for Success (GPS).

To GPS your best life, you must first know where you are, then visualize where you would like to be, and finally map out a plan to get you there. Here are a few tips to help you GPS your best life, and get there in style:

Knowing where you are:

Knowing where you are right now… not yesterday and not tomorrow… but right now, is the first step.  Take a few minutes to acknowledge your strengths, your values and what makes you who YOU are. Think about the quality of the relationships you are in (friendships, business collaborations, marriage or dating, family relationships, and your relationship with yourself). Consider the aspects of your life that are comfortable or better yet, going well. What about the areas where you feel off course?

Knowing where you are is the first step in getting in the driver’s seat to create your best life.

Where you’d like you go:

Once you have a sense of where you are, think about where you would like to go, or what you would like to do, be and have. Sometimes people discover their purpose (true calling), some were born with it, and in some cases, their purpose finds them. Your purpose or true calling is your WHY. To get greater clarity on your true calling, ask yourself these questions:

What revs my engine?

What do I love to do that feels effortless?

What do people acknowledge my strengths to be?

When I sit back and imagine my life as it could be, what does that look like?

When you are crystal CLEAR on the “what and the why”, the how begins to emerge

Mapping a plan to get there:

Sometimes people try to map their plan before they are CLEAR on the what and the why.  Mapping your plan is the how. When you know what your life is like now, and what you envision for future, you can map out how to achieve that reality.

Chunk it down, think about the actions in bite size pieces. Write down every possible action (don’t’ worry about the order of the steps) to make the goal a reality. Every day, choose five mini actions, we call this your Daily Five GPS steps. Little steps lead to consistent action and big results.

And along the journey remember to acknowledge your growth and successes, and share them with others.

Charmaine Hammond and Debra Kasowski are the authors of GPS Your Best Life- Charting Your Destination and Getting There in Style.  Jack Canfield, co-author of The Success Principles and Chicken Soup for the Soul says that “Charmaine and Debra show you how to navigate through life’s inevitable roadblocks and obstacles with ease and grace, so you can reach your desired destination”. To find out how to GPS Your Best Life, visit www.gpsyourbestlife.com

Susan steps out of the taxi, which has brought her to an 8:00am appointment in midtown. She nervously drinks the last of her Starbucks Americano and sighs deeply as she stands up straight, smoothes her hair and gathers her belongings from the cab.

“I don’t know how much longer I can do this” she thinks. Tears well up in her eyes as she walks through the entrance door of the office building. “Deep breaths, deep breaths” she reminds herself to regain her composure.

“These people are just making my life a living hell.” Lost in her own thoughts of the litany of examples of Smith’s behavior and unreasonable demands, Susan exits the turnabout door spilling her purse onto the floor.

“I don’t know… I just can’t live in this constant state of unhappiness. Smith can never be pleased no matter what I do. Or what anyone else does for that matter. Something has got to give. Perhaps Smith will be reasonable today. But, as I already know, there’s no way that’s going to happen.”

She looks at the mess on the floor. That lipstick she bought last night to reward herself for not bursting into tears during yesterdays meeting seemed insignificant against her building unhappiness.

“It doesn’t feel like I have any choice.  I need to make a living. But I don’t want to live like this. They make me so unhappy,” she thought and again, the tears welled in her eyes as she picked up the rest of her purse contents and notebook from the cold marble floor.

Have you ever felt this way?

No matter what you do you could not please someone you were being led by?  It feels like a never-ending circle of requests and lack of appreciation for all that you do or perhaps that your day, your happiness and success was dependent upon someone else’s mood or the fullness of the moon on any given day.

This is a prevailing problem. Not just in the workplace but in our personal lives as well.  There is a very fine line, which we all walk every day. Will we hand over our self worth, happiness and success to others and their behavior? Or will we take control of the situation and find what makes us truly happy?

When we hand it over to another person, people or organization, we are practicing a form of co-dependency. “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior,” says expert Melody Beatty, author of “Codependency No More”. Trying to “control” in some cases has more to do with trying to please, accommodate or vehemently try to change another’s behavior.

As we all traverse the world of business we must ask ourselves if we are engaging in codependency – that is to say, are we giving someone else the control over our happiness? Are we using external things and validation to determine our happiness only to find out after we’ve obtained them that they did not bring the desired happiness we craved?

I’m going to be very parochial for a moment. Webster’s defines each as follows:

Happiness: Showing pleasure or contentment, a sense of confidence in or satisfaction with something or someone. (not because of someone)

Comfort: To have physical ease and relaxation. To be free from stress and strain, financial worry or pain.

Many people do not know the difference between happiness and comfort. When asked what will make them happy they are stumped – especially when external items are taken off the table. If you don’t know what truly makes you happy one cannot make a beeline towards it.

For me, what makes me happy is:

• A peaceful life that is free of drama, intrigue and conflict.
• Allowing myself to give and receive love from others *no easy task in NYC!
• Feeling like I’ve helped someone make a difference in their life and the lives of others via their business leadership, business idea and/or relationships, and knowing that this improves the quality of their lives and that of their family too.

These things create that satisfaction in my life. My happiness.

That warm happy feeling that buying a pair of shoes never provides, nor do promotions, income amounts or the approval of another person of my contribution.

What does make me comfortable are those shoes, the promotions, income amounts, great vacations and or affluence in my business and private life. Those are things that will make me more comfortable and provide ease in my life. But they don’t bring happiness.

In fact, outside validation creates only momentary happiness but once the shine wears off you’re still back where you started – forever, relentlessly seeking happiness. This is a lesson in self-leadership.

So when you consider your own happiness you may want to consider it in a different manner.  Make a couple of lists in your journal;

#1“What Makes Me Happy.”

#2“What Makes Me Comfortable.”

Then add a 3^rd column that says “Goals”.

Set your “Goals” for what makes you happy first and what brings you comfort second.  When you understand the difference it will help you to focus on what you really want your life to be like, rather than just the byproducts of living.

Note to Readers: I would encourage you to pick up a copy of Melody Beattie’s best selling book “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself”. It is truly a remarkable book with a wealth of information about crafting your own happiness and self-care.

By Maria Gamb

Anyone who knows me well knows that the deepest, most personal parts of my life I keep shielded from my public persona. I am actually a very private person.

However, what I have come to learn is that the journey we are all asked to undergo, is something Joseph Campbell calls “The Hero’s Journey”.  That is not to be heralded as a “hero” like Batman or our troops who serve this country.  Instead it is to share the journey you’ve been on.

Once you’ve come to the end of that sequence of challenge, breakdown and transcending the experience then you are “obligated” to share it with others in the sincere hope of providing inspiration to others who may be in the midst of the same or similar experiences. So I’m going public with something deeply personal .

On January 14^th, 2012 the love of my life, Valen, got down on bended knee and proposed to me.  Weboth laughed and cried. I was tongue-tied yet he insisted on “a verbal” to confirm I’d accepted. We never thought we’d ever actually find the enormous love we felt for  one another in our lifetime. But here we were. I finally found my word “Yes!”

All the aches and pains that Valen had been feeling in his joints and limbs for months made that “on bended knee” moment even more poignant.  Nine days later, after I urged him to go to the doctor, he came home and sat me on the sofa quietly.  His brown eyes were heavy and full of deep sadness. I knew it was important.

He told me the doctor thought he had an acute case of leukemia, however, additional testing would need to be done. I looked at him stunned and quickly said I didn’t believe the doctor.

“They took a bone marrow draw Maria, it’s serious stuff”.

“Well, I believe that God will work this out Val, no matter what, we are always taken care of. So let’s not worry about this right now.”

Over the next week we spent a lot of time talking about the miracle of finding one another in this lifetime.  We could not and would not believe that we would be separated so quickly. After all, it had only been 2 years since we met. “I refuse to believe this could be the end for us” he kept saying. It would have been easy to be angry with God. Instead, I responded “Even if this was it, I would be grateful for this time.  It has changed my life. I love you with all of my heart.” The tears flowed freely for both of us.

Shortly after, he was diagnosed with B-cell Lymphoma. “Well, Dr. H said that if I was going to get any form of cancer this was the one to have!” Val bounced up and down. “It’s completely curable but it may not be the best 7 months of our lives”. He smiled and laughed.  That’s what he does.  He’s a terminally optimistic man, even when he’s facing 7 months of chemotherapy.

There is much to be learned from this crisis that I’d like to share with you.  Whatever crisis or challenge you may be experiencing, my sincere hope and wish is that this helps you in transcending the difficulty. 

1)    Faith – I truly believe that our faith that this would work out, made it so.  Your unshakeable faith will help you rise above whatever crisis is staring you in the face. Laugh at that crisis, spit at it if you need to, but laugh, telling it (and reminding yourself) that you are always taken care of by the Divine.

2)    Gratitude – I cannot express strongly enough how   critical the ingredient of “gratitude” is, especially when faced with a challenge.  Gratitude and Faith go hand in hand.  The second truth I know, without a shadow of a doubt and in every fiber of my being, is that when I said I’d be grateful even if it was our last days together, it changed everything.  I didn’t curse or damn anything or anyone.  I will be honest – I don’t know where the words came from. Except perhaps all those days and hours of practicing gratitude made it a completely subconscious, and therefore most automatic of things for me (and Val) to do.

3)    Operate on a ‘need to know basis’ until you’re solid – Share your situation with others who are safe and trusted. You will need others to support you as you go through your process.  But be mindful of not engaging with people who will be negative or worry warts.  During this time, you don’t need to be taking care of anyone else’s fears. When you feel more solid in your grounding then share with more people.

4)    Don’t be angry because they don’t understand – Other people may not understand what you’re going through. They may not be compassionate.  They may not be comfortable watching you experience pain or your loved one experiencing pain.  Just remember, often you may be reflecting to them the very thing that terrifies them the most.  In our case, a potentially life threatening disease that could take away a loved one. Everyone has limitations.

5)    Get your priorities in order – You and your spouse/partner are your priority.  Period! Not any business, networking group, mastermind or guru. Yes, I’m being BLUNT! One of the worst pieces of advice I was given was to be making sales calls in the parking lot while Val was undergoing chemotherapy. Yes, I was afraid of what would happen financially to us.  I didn’t want him to worry about money at all during this process. But never underestimate the need to be 100% present in situations such as this for yourself and for your loved one. I never made sales calls while he was in treatment. And I’m having a great year!  I choose to revert back to point 4 in regards to the advice I was given – Don’t be angry because they don’t understand.

6)    Don’t forget to take care of YOU – Sleep. Rest. Remove as many obligations and responsibilities as possible from your plate.  It’s time to not only practice prioritization, delegation and extreme self care, but  be sure to take time for yourself to go for a walk, take a yoga class, go to the gym or do whatever works for you.  You have to keep your own health and energy at peak levels. I personally ran off the Water Lounge at the Great Jones Spa in Soho as often as possible to decompress.

Val is about to have his last chemotherapy treatment. He is in full remission and going strong.  He’s got a great chrome dome as his badge of honor and passage through this experience.  I think he looks adorable.

We look at today as the first day of the rest of our lives together.  It is a new beginning for us.  One we welcome with great joy, appreciation, deep, soulful and undeniable gratitude.  There’s that word again, Gratitude.

• What this journey has taught us is that gratitude is TRULY the activating ingredient in making any profound change in your life.

• What we found is that we thought we’d only be able to tell a few people about the cancer because we only wanted those who would be positive to know.  However, in reality we could tell everyone we knew,  which is a testament to the quality of people in our lives.

• When we asked for people to pray for us, they did. All the time. Every time. Anytime.

• When we needed shoulders to cry on, we found many.

• When we wanted to celebrate, there were dozens showing up at our door.

• And when we needed laughter, our friends and this insanely wonderful NYC NEVER disappointed!

• Finally, what we have gained is PEACE. And the reassurance that our Faith can and will carry us through to the other side of whatever comes at us.

Val and I will be married on January 12, 2013 at a small ceremony with a gathering of our families and a handful of friends.

If you’ve experienced a major challenge recently please feel free to share what you learned from it. You never know, it just may help someone you’ve never met too!

“Sarah, we’d like to honor you with the Woman of the Year award!

You’ve accomplishedso much that we thought it would only be appropriate to celebrate your success.”

“Wow” said Sarah. “Really?”

Sarah often doubted herself and her abilities regardless of her A super plus personality and work ethic. In that split second she reflected back to how many times she felt less than, and at times even felt like an absolute fraud. All of which made her work even harder to prove her worth.

She smiled at herself as the moment of reflection was interrupted.

“Yes, you know when we show women achieving, it helps inspire others to know that they can do it too”.?? Sarah nodded as she listened, but began to feel uneasy about the award of Woman of the Year in this prestigious women’s association. After all, they have more than 100,000 members. She was amazed to be singled out. In fact, she thought, “I actually haven’t been active in this organization at all since joining 6 months ago.” Was her profile even up to date? Her antenna went up. “Why doesn’t this sound kosher to me?” she thought.

“Sarah, with the award comes a plaque. May I mail it to your PO  Box?”? “Yes, um, sure, but what else can you tell me about this    award? I’m asking because I’m surprised.” She expressed her inner  thoughts about her lack of participation.

“Oh don’t worry  about that. Other organizations offer these awards and charge $2-  3,000 for this elite privilege…”

Now her BS meter went up, big  time. Her left eyebrow raised and her jaw tightened. Here it  comes. She’s about to be sold something in order to be honored as “Woman of the Year”. The conversation continued for several more minutes. Sarah challenged the sales person on the other end of the line and determined very quickly that the organization knew little about her, her achievements, the litany of recent PR for her work or the organizations for which she volunteered her time.

“Well if it’s about the money, I can offer you a reduced rate this one time”

She ended the call by telling the woman politely that she would not invest any additional money in an organization that she really had no intimate knowledge. The call ended abruptly as the sales woman said “ok” and clicked down the phone.

A week later, after an email to the organization expressing her utter disbelief about being asked to pay for the honor, she received a phone call. It was explained that the upgrade in membership was to facilitate the marketing of the honoree to the organizations members. ?”Really?” Sarah asked. “Can you explain to me exactly what that means?” The customer service rep could only explain it was about search engine keywords “so other members can find you.” The same rep also admitted the award was not based on activity in the organization. “So how is this determined?” she asked. The rep stumbled over her words. “It’s based on your niche.” Sarah retorted “What have I accomplished in my niche to receive this honor?” The line went quiet.

This is a TRUE story. The names of the person and the organization are being held anonymous in respect for the good work their members may be doing. However, there is a reason I’m sharing this story with you, my readers.

During desperate times, people resort to desperate measures. This tactic, to sell premiere memberships under the guise of being honored with an award, is one that preys on a person’s self-esteem (or lack thereof). As a professional of more than 25 years in business I have never once paid for an accolade or award. No one should. It is an award for a reason. It is to recognize good works, achievements or advancements in your given field by your peers – not the recognition that you’ve paid a fee.

I liken this tactic to throwing your best friend a surprise party but asking them to pay for the cake, make some of the food and to arrive early and help you decorate.

I am not naïve. This type of thing goes on all the time. However, I would like to throw this warning flag up and tell you that when others ask you to pay for an award they are basically preying on your deep seeded fear that you may not be recognized for all that you do and maybe, just maybe, this is going to be the only chance you get. So take it! No matter how it comes. No matter the cost – small or large. No one will know, except you.

Do pay for association fees and memberships that provide you great content, insight or access to resources you may not have within your reach.

Do pay other professionals who offer you services and tools that help you advance your life personally or professionally.

But please do not fall prey to these desperate tactics that exploit your hidden doubts and fears about yourself.

“Tessa, we’d like to make you an offer.”

Time Business features the story as well

Here’s a simple test: Name your top five role models (aside from family and friends)? How many of them are women?

You may be unable to connect your inspiration to a female role model, simply because there aren’t enough female leaders out there.

Here’s one likely factor in that truth: A study of women entrepreneurs released last December by the Global Entrepreneurship Monitor shows that women worldwide see entrepreneurship as just as attractive as men do, yet they lack positive attitudes about their own capacity for starting businesses. A comparison between sexes reveals that women have, on average, lower perceptions about opportunities and capabilities, lower intentions, and higher fear of failure than men.

Best-selling author Maria Gamb sees these trends firsthand in her work as an executive mentor.

Read the rest of the article on TIME Business Week
Read the rest of the article on INC

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