Mark "Marisa Tomei Deserved Her Oscar" William


Confidently placing periods at the ends of sentences for three decades.

Joined August 2007


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  1. Happy Twerksgiving to all the Russian bots out there.

  2. These are trying times. But sometimes our times are worth trying. Happy Thankgsiving to you and everyone you love!

  3. Got through Thanksgiving without strangling a relative or playing the drum intro from Phil Collins' In The Air Tonight with turkey drumsticks.

  4. Uncle Roy from Alabama is totally weirding everyone out by insisting on sitting at the kids table by the younger girls.

  5. How come I have to wait until I’m plummeting from 8,000 feet to find out the term “parachute pants” shouldn’t be taken literally?

  6. I didn’t believe her warning when she said it was gonna get me. But it did. Eventually, the rhythm did.

  7. I never ever say “never say never,” ever.

  8. How drunk does Hans Zimmer have to get the drum corp before running them over with honking 18-wheelers to get the scores he “writes” for movies?

  9. Hello, customer service? Guess what I did? Better call legal and prepare them to update your product’s warning labels.

  10. Trump pardoned two turkeys today, but scolded the dark meat for not being grateful enough about it.

  11. Ludacris isn’t his real name. It’s Ludacristoff Maximillian III.

  12. My retirement plan consists of McDonald’s toys, of which I’ve collected all four.

  13. Heard that a despicable cult leader bent on fomenting a race war had finally died, and I was shocked to find out it wasn't Trump.

  14. I never negotiate with terrorists, unless they’re selling an Ottoman I totally want on Craigslist.

  15. Aww, man, right before my song titled “Gay Marriage, My Ass (I Won’t Be Getting Gay Married)” drops? So embarrassing.

  16. Hope the reboot of my life gets a better director and a bigger budget.

  17. “I’m a writer.” -future hobo

  18. Question: under which highway overpass is the best place to look for a babysitter?

  19. Love is in the air tonight. Or maybe someone’s cooking falafels.

  20. The Dictionary. Word.

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