Mark William


Confidently placing periods at the ends of sentences for three decades.

Joined August 2007


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  1. Pinned Tweet
    Apr 16

    My lyrics for Sean Hannity in The Pirates of Pence’s Ass. Enjoy.

  2. Jul 16

    I assume that the only way you'll ever divorce yourself from Trump is if you find a younger, hotter Trump to take his place?

  3. Jul 16

    Make America Glasnost ASAP?

  4. Jul 16

    I look forward to all the strongly worded statements from supporters, officials and politicians declaring their strong intention to vigorously refuse to participate in any nipple fondling the next time they toss Trump’s salad.

  5. Jul 16

    When you say “we can’t afford to forget he always exploits weakness. If we don’t acknowledge & punish what he did,his next attack on us will be bolder,more brazen & far more damaging,” you’re talking about Trump, right?

  6. Jul 16

    ...said one of the 100 people in America who could actually stop him (while literally doing nothing to stop him).

  7. Jul 15

    [PITCH MEETING] EXEC: Ideas for the next Bond villain? WRITER: A union-busting, climate denier-funding, South African billionaire who calls heroes pedos, hopes to conquer outer space & is named for the glandular secretion from a male deer: Elon Musk. EXEC: Eh, bit on the nose.

  8. Jul 14

    Watched the full video of this high school debate on the Confederate flag and got so stressed out I immediately broke out in sympathy zits.

  9. Jul 13

    Trump is walking like Putin dropped his marionette strings for a second to grab another shot of vodka. Imagine treating the sweet old lady next door like this, let alone the monarch of our greatest modern ally. This bumbling oaf has all the manners of a meth-addled Meishan Pig.

  10. Jul 12


  11. Jul 12

    This is what you sound like when your confidence about being on the right side of history is unequivocal and absolute.

  12. Jul 12

    Just had my first FaceTime job interview! Really think I showed some professional dedication by shaving “Please Hire Me” into my chest hair.

  13. Jul 10

    Wonder what that sweet girl from college is up to nowadays. *searches Twitter* Hey, here she is! Maybe I should DM— *scrolls feed full of racist tweets, homophobic filth and lunatic conspiracies* Goddammit. *throws iPhone into fire*

  14. Jul 9

    And the award for the Supreme Court nominee to most quickly prove himself to be a lying sack of shit goes to...

  15. Jul 9

    You guys realize that the name of the SCOTUS nominee doesn't matter, right? The process was undermined by Republicans in 2016 when they shat upon their Constitutional duties. There's no going back. We're in Mad Libs territory now. Fill in any name, we're still a Banana Republic.

  16. Jul 5

    Number of times they watched AMERICAN PSYCHO and “took notes?”

  17. Jul 5
  18. Jul 5

    .EPAScottPruitt I know you’re a corrupt parasite who deserves to rot in hell for your countless misdeeds but I was wondering if maybe you could co-sign my next apartment lease? Thanks in advance!

  19. Jul 5

    Scott Pruitt is gone which just means one of the tiniest turds has been flushed while the biggest is still swirling in the bowl.

  20. Jul 4

    Happy birthday, America! So sorry you got herpes 19 months ago. Try not to scratch it too much, it’s getting infected.

  21. Jul 4

    Remember America, our great nation was founded by a consortium of brilliant, thoughtful, distinguished men who couldn’t stand the thought of taxes but were totally cool with slavery, and we haven’t had any problems since. Happy 4th!


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