Mark William


Confidently placing periods at the ends of sentences for three decades.

Joined August 2007


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  1. 23 hours ago

    Anyone in Denver who was able to purchase tickets: I have an extra kidney and there's a back alley near my house. Let's make a deal.

  2. 23 hours ago

    How many retweets to get Abdi to walk into the White House and declare, "I am the president now?"

  3. Jan 21

    Just ran into a young singer with 8 million followers who I'd never heard of before, and I am now legally required to tell those damn kids to get off my lawn.

  4. Jan 20

    "Give me your entitled, your rich, Your befuddled asses yearning to scream 'mine.' The racist refuse of your tacky kitsch. Send these, the gormless, trust fund-clung to dine, I give the finger to the needy bitch!" ...from my poem, "The New Colonic."

  5. Jan 20

    If you're in charge of the government, but you can only get 45 of your members to vote for the budget, YOU failed to do your job. YOU are the problem. Nobody else. YOU. Compromise to get the necessary votes like EVERY OTHER CONGRESS IN OUR HISTORY. You bunch of infants.

  6. Jan 20

    I know how Trump feels getting rejected by so many women in one day; I once asked 7 different girls to my junior high's coed dance and they all said no. (And yes, I still went & yes I danced to Parents Just Don't Understand by Fresh Prince)

  7. Jan 20

    Question: are the governments of the shithole countries still up and running? That's what I thought.

  8. Jan 20

    "Both Congress & the president are Republicans. So the shutdown is..." "The Democrats' fault." "During a Republican Congress & Democratic president?" "Democrats." "Democratic Congress & Republican president?" "Democrats." "A Democratic Congress & President?" "Totally the Dem

  9. Jan 18

    Eerily accurate.

  10. Jan 16

    The things Dr. Ronny Jackson said about Trump in that press conference only start to make sense when you use the Dr. Nick voice from the Simpsons.

  11. Jan 13

    So glad we have a leader who, upon finding out a false missile warning had gone out to American citizens, galvanized his 46 million social media followers to correct the error and calm the the parallel universe where he wasn't bitching about some book at the time.

  12. Jan 13

    Praying that Trump calls someone Douchewick McFucknugget tomorrow, if only for the clip montage of newspeople repeating it.

  13. Jan 11

    Fun fact: if you actively work to reestablish America's racist past, you start to look old enough to have lived through it the first time.

  14. Jan 11

    "...but then it turns out that WE were the ones living in a shithole country the entire time!" -the twist in M. Night Shyamalan's Trump movie THE CRAPPENING

  15. Jan 9

    If this were carried out by an Obama or a Clinton administration, this isolated act would be worth seven Congressional hearings and persistent, vicious coverage from the rightwing trash news outlets for a decade.

  16. Jan 4
    This Tweet is unavailable.
  17. Jan 3

    Didn’t realize the new season of Black Mirror was available. And I agree completely with the sentiments of the first episode.

  18. Jan 3

    Every Trump voter must release a Logan Paul-style apology video as the first step toward making America great again.

  19. Jan 2

    Great, so is the person who actually murdered the man also being held without bail for murder?

  20. Jan 2

    Oh look, Senator Orrin Hatch announces his retirement, and suddenly this hobbit is Carpet Baggins of the Utah Bagginses.


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