Mark William


Confidently placing periods at the ends of sentences for three decades.

Joined August 2007


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  1. 20 hours ago

    My sister hasn’t had a kid yet, so all this uncle-worthy dysfunction in my life is going entirely to waste.

  2. 23 hours ago

    Pretending to be excited about seeing someone you didn’t expect to run into at a place you were hoping to spend some time alone.

  3. Sep 21

    My dietary choices have led my body to make noises like it was a haunted tractor.

  4. Sep 20

    Sorry for tearing my shirt off and punching your nephew in the mouth, I just really get into bumper bowling.

  5. Sep 20

    Losing weight this morning by peeing out the fifth of Jack Daniels I drank last night.

  6. Sep 19

    There’s nothing more humbling than screwing up the maze on the back of a Denny’s kids menu.

  7. Sep 19

    Ha, cats are so stupid, chasing around a laser pointer dot now please excuse me I must go stare at a box of moving light for 5 hours.

  8. Sep 19

    Pirates are terrible first responders, they’re always asking if I need C.P.Arrrrr.

  9. Sep 18

    I think it’s so romantic to dance cheek to cheek (I’m talking about our butts).

  10. Sep 18

    For some reason nobody believes that I got this Care Bear tattoo in prison.

  11. Sep 15

    When you’re working on a project and your first idea isn’t perfect, just remember that the stick was the rough draft for the boomerang.

  12. Sep 15

    If I lowered my relationship expectations any more than I already have I’d be a necrophiliac.

  13. Sep 15

    If beans are the magical fruit, I just cast a spell would make Voldemort blush.

  14. Sep 14

    Maybesitter: I’ll watch your kid unless something cooler comes along.

  15. Sep 14

    Just smashed my harpsichord after shredding a killer etude because that’s how I roll.

  16. Sep 13

    Bernie Fans: Shutup about- Hillary Fans: No YOU shutup about- Reasonable People: Guys, Trump is destroying our countr- H & B Fans: SHUTUP.

  17. Sep 13

    Guys, stop calling Trump a white supremacist just for defending and employing white supremacists.

  18. Sep 13

    The key to happiness is maintaining the kind of excitement for life that a 5-year-old boy has when he first discovers nunchucks.

  19. Sep 13

    When you go through an automatic car wash by yourself, it’s the perfect time to test whether or not you can lick your own nipples.

  20. Sep 13

    I’m God’s gift to women. But they keep re-gifting me to someone else.

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