Ramblings of a Marriage Junkie is the regular fix for those committed to reviving marriage & reducing divorce!

This blog links to news stories, posts original articles and announces pertinent information about marriage-related topics.

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Here are some of our most popular posts:

>> Is Facebook a Cyber-Threat to Your Marriage?

>> How Facebook Can Improve Your Marriage

>> How Twitter Can Tweet Married Couples Twitterific!

>> Will the Obama’s Affect African American Marriage Rates?

>> Thousands Hope to Fireproof Own Marriage – Join 40-Day Love Dare Experiment

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Ramblings of a Marriage Junkie is updated by K. Jason Krafsky, author of Before “I Do” – Preparing for the Full Marriage Experience.

Before “I Do” empowers couples through a relationship-enhancing, premarital experience.  Used by hundreds of churches, counselors and community initiatives, the eight sections of Before “I Do” guides couples to discover the practical skills, ageless insights, and Scriptural principles they need to prepare for the Full Marriage Experience.

Order Before “I Do” Workbooks, Facilitator Notebooks, and Couple Notebook Packs at  FullMarriageExperience.com.

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Anniversary cards are soooo 20th Century! They’re also impersonal, predictable and the embossed, flowery cards can cost as much as $7-bucks a pop!

This last anniversary (our 15th on July 29th), I wanted to do something special and very different from what I’ve done in the previous 14 years.

So I turned my back on a fourteen year tradition of spending about 20 minutes on the day of my anniversary, scouring through dozens of anniversary cards on the rack to find that “special one.”  It’s a challenge to find a greeting card that resides comfortably between cheesy and tacky, sappy and schmaltzy, and devoid of the annoying glitter and butterflies on the cover.  (I admit that the ultimate decision was made after looking at the backside of the card).

For our 15th anniversary, I decided to write a private blog post to my wife (yes, you can go ahead and view it: 15 Highlights in 15 Years with My Bride).

One of the challenges I faced with the blog post was how to help her find it.

In the previous 14 years, I would place the sealed card in a prominent place for her to see it throughout the day (usually next to a vase of flowers), that built up the anticipation for its unveiling until sometime after dinner.  But with a blog post (a private one), how in the heck would she find it?

Just posting it seemed a little impersonal.  Emailing it seemed a little corny.

Then I had a spectacular idea.  I would place a Facebook ad and link it to the blog.

I created a Facebook ad with our wedding picture, geo-targeted the heck out of it (by age, gender, marital status and hometown so she was one of 40 potential married women in our area to have the ad pop up), and then referenced her name in the ad so there was no mistake she would see it.  This idea was unfolding perfectly.

So, what happened? Did she log on to Facebook and see the ad?  What did she think when she clicked on the ad and came to her own special blog post?  Did she cry tears of joy that she had married such a romantic and technologically-savvy guy?

Well, my gameplan didn’t turn out the way I had envisioned it.  Yes, the message got posted on MarriageJunkie.com.  Yes,  Facebook accepted the ad.  And yes, the ad was linked to the blog.

What foiled my sure-fire, belt-it-out-of-the-park, romantic-idea-of-the-century?  The flippin’ weather.

July 29, 2009 was the HOTTEST DAY EVER RECORDED IN SEATTLE.  Seattle hit 103-degrees and our hometown hit 112-degrees.  For some people around the country, triple digit temperatures are not a big deal (but they’re usually set up with ample amounts of air conditioning).  In Seattle, air conditioning, especially in homes is more of a luxury.  Because A/C is only needed a handful of times per year, having it installed is fairly uncommon.

So, while my wife was on Facebook quite a bit on our anniversary, she accessed her Facebook on her phone while we attempted to stay cool at the mall, the theater, and the various restaurants (all with air conditioning).

The few moments that day that we were home, I logged onto her Facebook on her computer and kept refreshing the screen to make the ad appear.  It never did.

Viewing my Facebook Ad Manager, the ad was making an appearance for some of the women of Maple Valley, but not my woman of Maple Valley.  (Thankfully, no one clicked on the ad, so I wasn’t charged).

I hoped, I prayed, I did everything in my power to manipulate the ads on her Facebook Profile.

I waited as long as I could for “fate” to occur.  With the inside house temp registering a blistering 97-degrees at 11:30 pm, I submitted to the fact that my plan would fail to materialize.

I pulled my wife aside, logged onto my Facebook Ads Manager and showed her the ad she should have stumbled across, and then took her to the blog and showed her “her special page”.

She loved it and appreciated my efforts to do something special for her. I was pretty frustrated that my hard work had been thwarted by Mother Nature, but our 15th anniversary, nonetheless, was one we will never forget!

So with all the possibilities out there, what can you do to take an online tool or website and make your next “anniversary card” something especially meaningful?

Here’s some ideas, but I want to hear from you too!

Flickr: Create a collection of pictures of the two of you and your journey together.

YouTube: Make a special video message expressing your love to your mate.

Twitter: Send your spouse a direct message with a link to a blog page or web site with a special anniversary message.

Facebook: Create a Group/Fan page, make it private membership, and invite your spouse as the only invitee. Deck it out with photos, messages, and postings that scream out your adoration for your spouse.

WordPress: Make your own private blog devoted to your marriage — kind of your own digital scrapbook of memories, poems, photos and more!

Share your own ideas of how to express “Happy Anniversary” with 21st century tools by leaving a comment.

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K. Jason Krafsky is the author of Before “I Do” – Preparing for the Full Marriage Experience (Turn the Tide Resource Group – www.FullMarriageExperience.com). As a marriage junkie, Jason supports his habit by training leaders on marriage issues, writing articles and books on marriage and family relationships, coaching communities, churches, and ministries on marriage strengthening strategies, and teaching couples about relationship issues (check out his blog at www.MarriageJunkie.com). Jason’s ultimate fix comes from his wife Kelli. They live in the foothills of Washington’s Cascade Mountains with their four children. Contact him at kjasonk@fullmarriageexperience.com, Twitter (marriagejunkie), or Facebook.

Copyright © 2009 K. Jason Krafsky – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper source citation.

Who woulda thunk?

We had no idea what the interest, demand or impact would be when we published Before “I Do” in September of 2005.

We’ve been blown away by what’s taken place!

As of 2009,

• hundreds of churches, counselors and organizations are using Before “I Do”;
• thousands of couples have prepared for a lifetime marriage through Before “I Do”;
• and some engaged and seriously dating couples have made the wise decision to delay or cancel their wedding plans because of Before “I Do”.

Before “I Do” is being used across the U.S. (and in Turkey, Uganda, and Cameroon) to help couples discover the principles and skills they need to live the Full Marriage Experience.

Steps are taking place to translate Before “I Do” in Spanish, French and other languages.

Sales for the product have grown each year, and new products have been released, including the Before “I Do” Facilitator’s Notebook and Before “I Do” Couple Notebook Pack.

To celebrate its success:

ORDER BEFORE “I DO” ONLINE

between 9.14.09 and 9.30.09

and receive an additional $4 rebate per workbook!

Here’s how it works:

(1) Go to FullMarriageExperience.com

(2) Order Before “I Do” through the secure shopping cart

(3) Within 48 hours of the order, your credit card will receive a $4 per book credit.

REMEMBER: Couples need two Before “I Do” workbooks…one for him and one for her.

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SAVE EVEN MORE ON BULK DISCOUNTS

1 book = $24.95 (regular) … $20.95 (w/extra $4 discount)
2-11 books = $19.95 each (20% off per book) … $15.95 (w/extra $4 discount)
12-55 books = $18.70 each (25% off per book) … $14.70 (w/extra $4 discount)
56-99 books = $17.45 each (30% off per book) … $13.45 (w/extra $4 discount)
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Discount will be credited to your credit card within 48 hours of processed and will not be reflected in the final price charged when checking out.  No forms to fill out, no coupons needed.

This offer cannot be combined with any other offer, discount or product. Offer only for orders for Before “I Do” workbook only, processed between Monday, Sept 14, 2009 12:01 am to Wednesday, September 30, 2009 at 11:59 pm (all times PST)

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UPDATED October 2009!!!  Well Spent $60 to Co-Sponsor NASCAR Car.

In August, we spent $60 to co-sponsor NASCAR Nationwide Series racing car for Kenny Wallace’s Chevrolet that he drove in the NAPA Auto Parts 200 on Montreal’s Circuit Gilles Villeneuve.

Listed with 4,998 other sponsors, our sites (MarriageJunkie.com and FullMarriageExperience.com) couldn’t be read off of the TV screen or from the race course stands … no one’s name could really.  But we ended up getting some press out of it.

The Montreal Gazette wrote a story, “Wallace fans chip in jigsaw sponsorship” and MarriageJunkie.com was cited as a handfull of different co-sponsors (see paragraph 12 in the story).

The story was also rerun in the Ottawa Citizen and Canada.com.

In addition, Wallace mailed out personally signed photographs of him posing by the fan-sponsored car to everyone who paid their $20.  Our three sponsorships yielded three signed photos.

Overall, we have no regrets sponsoring Kenny Wallace(who  finished 17th out of 43 drivers in the Montreal race).  We would do it again in a heartbeat!

~Marriage Junkie

K. Jason and Kelli Krafsky proudly announce that their two marriage strengthening sites, MarriageJunkie.com and FullMarriageExperience.com will be co-sponsoring Kenny Wallace’s #28 car at the NASCAR Nationwide Series NAPA Auto Parts 200 on Montreal’s Circuit Gilles Villeneuve on August 29-30, 2009 … along with 4,998 other co-sponsors.

“We found out about the opportunity to sponsor a race car through a Facebook post Kenny Wallace sent out,” remembers Kelli.  “Both Jason and I are avid NASCAR fans and really like Kenny Wallace on and off the race track.”

The Krafsky’s have enjoyed watching NASCAR races since 2003.  That is the year that Kasey Kahne, a native of Enumclaw, WA (Kelli’s hometown) began racing in NASCAR’s Nationwide Series.   “Neither one of us knew anything about NASCAR except for Kasey Kahne who was a neighbor of Kelli’s family growing up ,” said Jason.  “She even babysat Kasey and his sister, as well as his two cousins, Kole and Willie.”  Kahne was NASCAR Rookie-of-the-Year in 2004 and currently drives the #9 Budweiser Dodge in the Sprint Cup Series.

As they watched the weekly races, Jason and Kelli began understanding the sport better and discovering drivers they liked and those they didn’t.  Kenny Wallace was definitely someone who caught their attention.

Wallace is a NASCAR veteran and brother of NASCAR legend Rusty Wallace, is also a fan-favorite commentator on SPEED TV.  In just a matter of months since announcing the sponsorship opportunity of his car for the Montreal race, an estimated 5,000 fans forked over $20 a name to sponsor his No. 28 Jay Robinson Racing Chevrolet, providing the team with more than $100,000.

“When we found out it was just $20 a name, we signed up for three sponsor placements,” says Jason.   “One to advertise our blog (MarriageJunkie.com – touted as the regular fix for those committed to reviving marriage and reducing divorce!)  and the other to advertise the website for my premarital book, Before “I Do” (FullMarriageExperience.com),” and one for us personally (K. Jason and Kelli Krafsky).

The specially designed car has a huge “Thank You Fans!” with a caricature of Wallace’s alter-ego, the Hermanator.  Names of all 5,000 fans sponsors will adorn every side of the red and yellow car.

MarriageJunkie.com & FullMarriageExperience.com two of 5,000 sponsors!

The Krafsky’s are excited about their sponsorship placement.  “MarriageJunkie.com and FullMarriageExperience.com are on the hood of the car, right over the driver side headlight,” says Jason. “It took awhile to read through 11 digital files of names, but I found them and am real pleased with where they’re located.”

“While we know that people won’t see the URL’s on TV or at the race track,” says Krafsky, “we’ll be watching the race and beaming every time we see the #28 car.  Not only because we’re sponsoring a NASCAR car, but we’re supporting a driver who loves his wife and who isn’t ashamed to proclaim how much he values his marriage and his family to the world on TV, Facebook or Twitter .”

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K. Jason and Kelli Krafsky have been married since 1994 and have spoken to couples on marriage issues for many years. Jason is the author of Before “I Do”: Preparing for the Full Marriage Experience. As a marriage junkie, Jason supports his habit by training leaders on marriage issues, writing articles and blog entries on marriage and family relationships, coaching communities, churches, and ministries on marriage strengthening strategies. Kelli has spent fourteen years teaching in public school, private school and home school settings. She is passionate about helping women have healthy relationships and happy marriages. Jason and Kelli live in the foothills of Washington’s Cascade Mountains with their four children. Contact them at kjasonk@fullmarriageexperience.com or through Facebook or Twitter (@marriagejunkie).

Find out more about the Jason and Kelli and their marriage efforts at their website (FullMarriageExperience.com) and blog (MarriageJunkie.com).

Copyright © 2009 K. Jason and Kelli Krafsky – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper source citation.

NOTE: This was a “private” blog post I made for my wife on our 15th Anniversary. It is posted publicly so readers can view it because it is referenced in another blog post: How to Express “Happy Anniversary” with 21st Century Tools. Enjoy!

~ Marriage Junkie

Kel ~

Thank you for 15 incredible years!  As I look back on our time together as husband and wife, here are 15 highlights that stand out to me.

Learning how to love you…completely and unconditionally. Looking back on the first time I told you “I love you,” I didn’t have a clue what that really meant. Now, fifteen-plus years later, loving you is better, more rewarding, more demanding and more fulfilling than I ever imagined. You are a beautiful woman who is wired so differently from me, but so perfectly for me. You are God’s gift to me, and a gift I cherish daily.

Investing in us…continually. I remember one of our first “dates” where you read off attributes and characteristics and I answered if they fit me or not. That should have been an indication of the amount of time we would invest into our relationship. Weekend to Remember, Marriage Encounter, I Still Do, AMFM, Smart Marriages, Marriage CoMission…we are blessed to be engulfed and surrounded by so much and so many who help make our marriage stronger. At the end of our lifetime together, we may not have acquired great riches or power, but we’ll have a deeper joy than the wealthy and a greater strength than the most powerful.

Celebrating the marriage bed with you. While this may seem like a no-brainer, you are a gifted lover.  From making love to you (for the first time) on our wedding night…and then throughout our honeymoon…and then throughout our newlywed year…and then for the next decade and a half…I have completely enjoyed our intimate experiences.  You have been an incredibly giving, fulfilling and gracious lover who meets my needs, wants and desires.  Thank you for loving me so completely!

Starting a family with you and creating four precious lives. The experiences of getting pregnant, giving birth and parenting every one of our blessings has molded us and shaped us into a better couple. While we’ve made our fair share of mistakes and missteps, our shared ideals for the kids bonds us more deeply and creates higher watermarks of love each year.

Taking our first step of real faith. While we met at church, attended church, and participated in church life together, you have helped me grow with Christ in ways I never imagined. The day we left the security and safety of Coal Creek to follow God’s lead catapulted us into a new experience with Him. Thanks for trusting God, believing in me and being willing to step outside of your comfort zone. That was a season where God became real in every way.

Living by faith. Our life together has been an adventure, only because we followed a path marked by God. Who would have thought? Berglinds, West Seattle, Maple Valley, Before “I Do,” CHMC…and the list goes on. I value the journey we’re on, and I am very thankful to have a wife who is willing to seek God, take risks, and trust Him (and her husband). Our life is one I would have never dreamed of, but better than I could have ever imagined.

Buying our first house. You get all of the credit! From initiating the call to discover what it would take to buy a house to finding the house…we are homeowners because of you. Then when we got the house, you made it into a welcoming and inviting home! Thanks for gently persisting and allowing me the time to process. It all worked out so well and seemed so perfectly timed.

Seeing the world with you. Okay, so “the world” is a bit of an overstatement. “Portions of the United States and Canada” would be more appropriate. But whether its for business or leisure, I thoroughly enjoy being in new cities and experiencing different places with you. Orlando, Victoria, Denver, Rome (GA), Charlotte, Atlanta, Phoenix, Dallas, and San Francisco. All of them bring to mind a fond memory or two.

Creating memories our kids will always cherish. You’re often thinking about the kids and how they will remember the things we do now. I love this about you. The birthday fairy, the 24 days before Christmas, our holiday traditions. But beyond that, you care about the quality of their relationship with one another. Thanks for your attention to the special details that make an experience a memory.

Giving the kids a great beginning. You have “done me proud” more than you know. After we made the leap to school the kids from home, you shouldered the bulk of the responsibility and faced most of the skeptics and critics. I am so proud of all you have accomplished with them in spite of all the changes, challenges and obstacles of life. And now that we’ve moved the kids into public school, I look at their recent academic achievements and accomplishments and give you a lot of the credit.

Launching Before “I Do” with all of your support. One of the biggest “God-things” in our marriage is the perfect timing of writing and publishing Before “I Do”. It would not and could not have been possible without you. Thousands of couples have benefited and thousands more will benefit from a premarital book and experience that is largely, because of you. While they prepare for the Full Marriage Experience, I feel like we’re living it!

Building our first home. I’ve heard that home renovation or building a house is one of the most stressful experiences for a couple. And while it did have its stress points, we grew together as a couple and as a family, we drew closer to God, and we saw Him provide in a way that is nothing short of a miracle.

Using our gifts together. I am so excited for this current season we are in where we get to do more together to use our gifts, dream our dreams and begin taking steps to serve God’s great purpose together. The Facebook and Your Marriage articles, writing and marketing the new books, the iPhone app…all of them are evidence that God is at work through you and me. Love it! Spending time with you. I love being with you. Sometimes we’re doing nothing, or watching our shows, or just hanging out, or sipping coffee and checking Facebook on our phones, or whatever. There is no one I would rather be with and spend a day with than you.

Looking forward to the next phase of serving God with you. I can’t believe nearly 5,500 days have gone by since we said “I do”. And yet, so much has happened. Through all of it, I can honestly say that I love you more today than I ever have. And as we step through the doorway of our 15th year as husband and wife, hands clasped together and eyes pointed heavenward…I feel like we have only just begun to experience all God has in store for us. Whatever it may be, I walk with confidence because you are by my side. I love you and will love you, always!

Thank you for saying “I do” fifteen years ago. You have blessed me and fulfilled my wishes more than you know!

~ Jas

Like millions of people, I tuned into “Jon & Kate Plus 8” to watch Jon and Kate make “the” announcement.

I have never watched the show before.  The phrase, “Jon and Kate Plus Eight,” has only been in my pop culture lexicon for about a month.  But with all the hype, talk, and gossip about America’s favorite family, I decided to tune in for my first (and probably my last) viewing of the show.

Ironically, I watched the kids enjoy their new playhouses on the same day as their home was splitting from its foundation.  The saddest part of the show was to watch the couple justify their separation and probable divorce by flinging many predictable and unconvincing clichés back and forth.

• “I tried to contemplate and think about it, would we be better for us. It’s just not good for our kids, for us to be arguing in front of our kids. If we can’t be cordial with one another, then we decided to separate.” (Jon)
• “So while I know that it is going to be hard for them and it’s not what I wanted for them and its very, very difficult it is going to be the best and the most peaceful I’m hoping for them.” (Kate)
• “That’s life. It’s a roller coaster. It’s the way it happens. Sometimes you go off the tracks.” (Jon)
• “I’m not very fond of the idea personally, but I know it’s necessary because my goal is peace for the kids and if peace needs to be brought about by this then I’m in agreeance.” (Kate)

While the kids were referenced quite a bit, I couldn’t help but notice that the personal pronoun “I” came up a lot.

• “I have to do what’s best for me and my kids.” (Jon)
• “While I’ve had a few rough days, facing the music and facing what has to happen. And while I had half a day where I let myself fall apart and hyperventilate and sob harder then I’ve ever sobbed in my life.  By the time I woke up this morning I had decided I just need relief now. And I need to turn the page.” (Kate)
• “I wasn’t always the greatest communicator, I know that but I do have feelings as well and I’m hurt by all of this but I’m excited and hurt at the same time because I have a new chapter in my life. I’m only 32 years old and I really don’t know what’s going to happen.” (Jon)

It’s interesting that with all the strife, the arguing, and the on-camera disrespect while the other was out-of-the-shot, Jon and Kate came to an agreement: we need to split up, break up our home and disrupt the lives of all ten members of the family … for the sake of the kids.

Hmmm. What about the kids?

What if the kids were to use the same logic as mom and dad, and decide to make some changes for the family?

The previous segment (before Jon and Kate’s monotone monologues) showed the kids trying out their new thematic playhouses.  There was some yelling, arguing and shouting among the kids.

• Maybe the kids share the same desire “for peace” as their mom, and want to remove a few of the unruly and argumentative kids.
• Since the property is “their house,” (Jon and Kate’s words, not the kids) maybe the eight kids want to do what’s best for themselves and oust both mom and dad.
• Perhaps the sextuplets decide that the twins are the problem and to attain a “place of peace,” the twins have to go.

Using the parents logic through the kids’ eyes, the show could be re-titled, “The Eight Minus Jon & Kate” or “Jon & Kate Plus Eight Less Three” or “The Sextuplets Negate the Twins and Jon & Kate”.

Or better yet, if Jon and Kate inquired with Cara, Madelyn, Alexis, Hannah, Aaden, Collin, Leah and Joel, they might have heard a different “solution” for the good of the family.

• “Mom and dad, stick it out!”
• “Learn how to talk nice.”
• “You want the best for us? We want the best for you! Please stay together.”
• “Please mommy and daddy, think of us!”
• “We love you both and want to live with both of you at the same time.”
  

I view Jon and Kate’s decision through two sets of lenses.

The first set of lenses is as a child of divorce.  Jon and Kate are making a completely selfish decision that will have a profound impact on the kids, the parents and the family as a whole.  (Healthy Marriages, Healthy Children compiles a wealth of information on the topic).

The second set of lenses is as a marriage educator.  Jon and Kate’s situation is completely fixable.  In fact, they seem to agree on where the problem is, and that it is something they need and want to work on.

• “The most important thing is communication no matter what your marital status is. You got eight kids.” (Jon)
• “Maybe the only thing I can look forward to is some resolution, some peace. We can hopefully better communicate, just some peace.” (Kate)

Jon and Kate can avert a devastating decision that two-thirds of those who make it, in hindsight, wish they had worked harder to avoid it (view a great study on marriage).

Couples don’t need to sit on the couch and begin plotting their post-divorce life. The following programs are Marriage Education courses designed for couples to learn how to communicate better, resolve conflict better, and create more peace in their relationship.

• PREP
• Mastering the Mysteries of Love
• Couple Communication
• Family Dynamics
• Marriage 911
• Inverse Ministries

There are also a number of relationship-altering books that give couples the communication help they need to treat each other with love, respect and compassion.

Ample relationship help and communication resources are available to help couples like Jon and Kate work through the inevitable twists and unpredictable turns in marriage. By learning some new skills, putting the learning into practice, and creating some new communication habits … most marriages can be saved!

Though I’m not a fan of the show, I really hope that while the cameras are turned off, that Jon and Kate can take the time to make a better decision, attend a Marriage Education class, and find a greater solution for their eight kids.

Kate said she wants “…(to) renew that commitment to my kids and doing the best I can for them”

Here’s to the next season of “Jon & Kate Plus Ei8ht”!  With the Goesslin’s making a renewed commitment to their marriage and family, the season’s new theme could be “Reconciliation and Redemption!”

That would be something worth watching…and something their kids want to see too.
………………………………………………………………………………….

K. Jason Krafsky is the author of Before “I Do” – Preparing for the Full Marriage Experience (Turn the Tide Resource Group – www.FullMarriageExperience.com). As a marriage junkie, Jason supports his habit by training leaders on marriage issues, writing articles and books on marriage and family relationships, coaching communities, churches, and ministries on marriage strengthening strategies, and teaching couples about relationship issues (check out his blog at www.MarriageJunkie.com). Jason’s ultimate fix comes from his wife Kelli. They live in the foothills of Washington’s Cascade Mountains with their four children. Contact him at kjasonk@fullmarriageexperience.com, Twitter (marriagejunkie), or Facebook.

Copyright © 2009 K. Jason Krafsky – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper source citation.

Summer lovin’ hits the TV screen …again.

And with the same zeal as a 19th Century carnival sideshow pitchman wooing passerbys to stop and gawk at people with physical deformities and abnormalities, television networks beckon us to show up and watch their 21st Century freak shows that spotlight dysfunctional relationships and bizarre coupling.

Think I’m being too harsh?  Here’s a recap of just a portion of the different shows that have attempted to help men and women find true love.

• If a person needed a date – they went on Love Connection, Elimidate, A Dating Story, Dismissed, The Fifth Wheel, Meet the Parents, Blind Date, or The Dating Game.
• If a person wanted a date that went on and on – they went on Ship Mates.
• If a person wanted to judge the health of their dating relationship – they could go on Change of Heart.
• If a person wanted to test their unmarried relationship - they visited Temptation Island.
• If a person was unsure of their mate’s faithfulness – they turned to Cheaters.
• If a person wants to bypass the dating scene altogether, women can go on The Bachelor, men can go on The Bachelorette, and for the totally demented, they went on Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire.
• If a person wanted their friends and family to pick a mate for them – they went on Married by America or Cupid.
• If a person wanted to avoid basing the relationship on looks but focus on the deeper qualities in a person – they went on Mr. Personality (hosted by Monica Lewinsky – don’t even get me started on that one)!
• If a person wants to end a relationship (and any sense of dignity) – they can go on The Jerry Springer Show.

So what have we learned from these “live” (previously recorded), “candid” (extremely edited), “real-life” (if you sport a $5-million a year lifestyle with mansions, swimming pools and limos), “intimate” (except for the cameras, the sound guy and the show’s host) television shows?

Perfect Dates Don’t Mean Anything – We’ve seen them all: adventure dates, romantic dates, group dates and mystery dates. No matter how much of a physical connection there seems to be on the date, connecting on a mental, emotional and spiritual level matters most if the relationship is going to have much of a future.  Talking about each others’ past experiences, goals and dreams, and values and beliefs will help you determine if this person is “the one” a lot quicker than going out on dream-like dates and continuously pawing all over one another.

Following Your Heart Can Get You Into A Lot of Trouble – On many of the TV shows, feelings trump everything: common sense, parental guidance, friends’ opinions, and doing the right thing.  There was no better example of this than the latest Bachelor (Jason Mesnick) who “followed his heart” to dump Melissa for Molly after he had already “followed his heart” to choose Melissa over Molly. Chasing your feelings can lead you down the boulevard of broken hearts (for you and others). Friends and family can be a great source of objective advice and perspective on mate selection if you allow them to speak directly and candidly. And in most cases, they’re not skewed by feelings that can (and do) lead people to make rotten choices.

Don’t Put Yourself in a Loser-of-a-Relationship – These shows are competitions.  At best, two people may be happy at the show’s finale.  In most cases, no one is. One of the most confusing scenes of the Bachelor series is when the limo leaves with the loser of the rose ceremony.  The brokenhearted woman is either really sad or really mad or both. At some point during the drive, she cries out, “why is this happening to me?” My wife goes crazy when I blurt out, “Because you entered a competition where 24 out of 25 girls get their heart broken. Duh!” In real life, the quest for love and romance can feel like a high-risk competition.  But some people and some relationships have high odds for failure.  Make a wise decision with your head so your heart doesn’t have to be unnecessarily broken.

The grand experiment of finding a soul mate on “Reality” TV has failed miserably. Aside from what seems to be a fluky success story (Trista and Ryan on Bachelorette 1), looking for and finding everlasting relationship bliss as every moment is captured on film has continued to elude the vast majority of the camera-loving seekers of romance.

So, what can a future spouse-in-waiting really do to find true love? 

Be Whole Before Looking for Love: Marriage author, Dr. Les Parrott says, “If you try to build intimacy with one another person before you have done the hard work of getting whole on your own, all your relationships will become an attempt to complete yourself.”  Contrary to the infamous Jerry Maguire quote, no one can or should “complete you.”   A spouse can and does complement your strengths and weaknesses, but they cannot and will not complete you.  Getting whole and being whole is totally on you!

Allow the Relationship to Develop Naturally: Take the time to get to know the other person before getting too physical too quickly. But sexual intimacy can greatly skew one’s objectivity. Is this other person overly dependent or too independent?  Is this relationship safe or abusive?  As a couple, are we in a dysfunctional or healthy relationship?  These questions are easier to answer when the physical relationship has not outpaced the emotional relationship.

Get Prepared Before the “Will You?” and the “I Do!”: There are a number of great resources to help couples make wise and thoughtful decisions as they consider engagement and marriage.  A number of books, courses and online inventories exist to guide couples to prepare for marriage or to discuss marriage. (In fact, my book, Before “I Do” and an online inventory on my website, The Couples Checkup, have helped thousands of engaged and seriously dating couples prepare to take their relationship to the next level).  Many churches and counselors offer premarital programs through mentoring, small groups and classes. (Here’s a list of some premarital programs that may be in your area.)

So here we go.  Another summer of setting our Tivos to capture “the most bizarre and freakish dating and mating habits on planet earth!”  (There’s a brand new show, Hitched or Ditched – read a review on this winner!)

While we laugh, wince, gawk and then chat about what we see on the screen, I’m ready to call the grand experiment of finding true love and/or getting to the altar on TV a dismal failure!  How about you?

………………………………………………………………………………….

K. Jason Krafsky is the author of Before “I Do” – Preparing for the Full Marriage Experience (Turn the Tide Resource Group – www.FullMarriageExperience.com). As a marriage junkie, Jason supports his habit by training leaders on marriage issues, writing articles and books on marriage and family relationships, coaching communities, churches, and ministries on marriage strengthening strategies, and teaching couples about relationship issues (check out his blog at www.MarriageJunkie.com). Jason’s ultimate fix comes from his wife Kelli. They live in the foothills of Washington’s Cascade Mountains with their four children. Contact him at kjasonk@fullmarriageexperience.com, Twitter (marriagejunkie), or Facebook.

Copyright © 2009 K. Jason Krafsky – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper source citation.

You can learn a lot about what a church is doing by viewing their website!

Congregations and pastoral teams spend countless hours planning, strategizing and implementing ideas to attract people into their church.  Church websites feature creative graphics,  sermon series titles that play off popular TV shows or movies, and ads for fun-filled, kid-centered events are meant to attract the unchurched.

You can also discover what opportunities and needs a church is not seeing by what they’re not promoting on their website.

Surprisingly, one of the most relevant and most widely supported ministries a church can offer is rarely featured on the church’s website.  And if it does happen to be mentioned, it is not promoted very well.  (See blog article “Churches: How NOT to Promote Your Premarital Program on the Internet” for more on this.)

I’m referring to the best outreach opportunity and congregational ministry a church can offer: premarital ministry (sometimes called pre-marriage education, marriage preparation or premarital counseling).

In the groundbreaking survey, State of California’s Unions: Marriage and Divorce in the Golden State (2008), two-thirds (65%) of non married adults said “they would attend pre-marital education classes.”  And an astounding 70% of people agreed that “their local church or religious organization should do more pre-marital education.”

Check out my article that delves into similar findings from a national marriage survey, “Most Singles Yearn to be Married and Want Premarital Education”.

So if those inside and outside the church want more premarital education, it would make sense that churches do a better job of promoting this high-demand ministry on their website.

Over the last year or two, I have surveyed thousands of church websites.  Purpose-Driven churches.  Willow Creek Association churches. The largest churches, the fastest growing churches and the most innovative churches.  Small churches, medium and large churches.  Churches of all denominations and churches in every state.  Consistently, very few promoted their premarital program well.

To help inspire you, below are a variety of effective and relevant premarital promotions on church websites.  All of the churches below have one thing in common: they all use my book Before “I Do” for their marriage preparation program.  But, they share something else: an ability to communicate their standards and offerings in a positive and appealing way.

(1) SEACOAST CHURCH – The Most Graphic Navigationals Through the Premarital Process

Seacoast Church is on the cutting edge when it comes to multi-site church services.  Their website provides prospective couples with a graphic-heavy, step-by-step navigations for wedding services and premarital classes. Every word in the body of the text counts. The result? Couples can quickly and easily get the information they’re looking for, and Seacoast gets to minister to more couples. Win-Win!

(2) CANYON RIDGE CHRISTIAN CHURCH – Choices Help Couples Choose Wisely

Canyon Ridge Christian Church gives couples all kinds of choices on weddings: small, medium or large sized. Regardless of how big the ceremony, couples get (and pay for) premarital counseling.  And even if a couple doesn’t want a wedding performed by or at Canyon Ridge Christian Church, they can access the premarital program (for a small fee).  In the Wedding Capital of the U.S., Las Vegas area couples are choosing Canyon Ridge Christian Church’s premarital program.

(3) LOVE INTERNATIONAL MINISTRY – Devoting a Whole Site to the Ministry

Love International Ministries is so committed to marriage and pre-marriage ministry that they have dedicated an entire site to the classes, resources and trainings available to couples.  Branding the marriage ministry at a church shows this congregation’s dedication and commitment to help couples thrive in their marriage covenant.

(4) GINGHAMSBURG CHURCH – Sometimes Simpler is Better

Ginghamsburg Church has a very popular premarital program that serves many couples each year.  The process for premarital and weddings at Ginghamsburg  Church are clearly and positively articulated on the website:

“We celebrate you and your decision to enter the lifelong commitment expressed through the covenant of marriage! We are committed to assisting Ginghamsburg couples in preparing for your special day and your lifetime together.

Marriage preparation at Ginghamsburg Church involves commitment by the couple to spiritual and relational development as well as actual wedding preparations. We will guide you through a process that consists of assessments and mentoring by a trained couple from Ginghamsburg’s Marriage Preparation Ministry.”

There is no doubt that Tipp City area engaged couples know what they can expect to get from Ginghamsburg Church.

(5) FIRST BAPTIST CHURCH WOODSTOCK – Graphic Button Says It All

First Baptist Church Woodstock details their premarital process on their website.  But one part of their website caught my eye.  They are the only site I remember that has a graphic button that acts as a stand alone promotional.  The only thing that would have been better is for the graphic to have been placed on the home page for the church site.  Either way, it is an idea that could and should be copied, I mean, inspire you.

(6) DOGWOOD CHURCH – Simplify the Steps in the Process

Dogwood Church has a thorough and well-thoughtout premarital process that can be simplified into five easy-to-read bullet points.  While describing the details of the Five-W’s behind the steps to get married and marriage prep at the church is important, making it digestable for couples is equally important.  If a church can’t simplify its premarital process into 5-7 bullet points, it is too complicated.

(7) THE LIFE CHURCH OF MEMPHIS – Motivating Couples To the Finish Line

The Life Church of Memphis has laced motivation with the necessary information on its premarital web page, resulting in an easy-to-read, step-by-step process that couples can quickly navigate through.

(8) CENTRAL CHRISTIAN CHURCH OF EAST VALLEY – Relating With Where Couples Are At

Central Christian Church of East Valley connects with where couples are at, empathizes with their feelings and helps them see the value in Central Christian Church’s premarital services.

“Congratulations! We share in your happiness as you formulate your wedding plans and begin the wonderful adventure of marriage. We are anxious to serve you and desire for you to experience the joy and intimacy God designed for marriage.

Step 1: The Starting Point As you begin to read this, you may be overwhelmed by the amount of information presented. You may also be surprised by the expectations we hold of couples we marry. We do this in light of our desire for you…a desire that your wedding and marriage would honor God as well as each other.”

By relating with an engaged couple’s reality, Central Christian Church opens the door of their church to many couples looking to prepare for marriage.

Well, there you have it.  Eight churches promoting their premarital services online…and doing it well!  Hopefully, your church can follow their example and make your premarital offerings more visible on the church’s website.  How else will engaged couples who don’t attend your church but want what you have to offer find you? 

____________________________

K. Jason Krafsky is the author of Before “I Do” – Preparing for the Full Marriage Experience (Turn the Tide Resource Group – www.FullMarriageExperience.com). As a marriage junkie, Jason supports his habit by training leaders on marriage issues, writing articles and books on marriage and family relationships, coaching communities, churches, and ministries on marriage strengthening strategies, and teaching couples about relationship issues (check out his blog at www.MarriageJunkie.com). Jason’s ultimate fix comes from his wife Kelli. They live in the foothills of Washington’s Cascade Mountains with their four children. Contact him at kjasonk@fullmarriageexperience.com, Facebook or on Twitter (@marriagejunkie).

Copyright © 2009 by K. Jason Krafsky – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper source citation.

The demand for Before “I Do” – Preparing for the Full Marriage Experience is growing rapidly!

Last year (2008) was a record year for Before “I Do” with a 35% increase in book sales compared to the year before.  This year (2009) is already on pace for a 50% increase in book sales over 2008!

Why?  More and more churches, counselors and organizations are discovering about this dynamic marriage preparation program and witnessing its impact on couples.  They’re more engaged in the process, getting  more informed on core relationship issues, resulting in being more prepared for a lifelong marriage.

Many of the most respected and most influential congregations in America are using Before “I Do” for their marriage prep classes, small groups,  mentoring and counseling.  Seacoast Church, The Moody Church, Canyon Ridge Christian Church, Ginghamsburg Church, First Baptist Church of Woodstock, and hundreds of other churches are using Before “I Do”…and loving it!

A Marriage Investor serving at an Arizona church shared how a young couple going through Before “I Do” used their new found wisdom and insights to encourage the bride’s mother and father to not settle for “just putting up with one another” but to give more and get more out of their marriage … to live the Full Marriage Experience.

This is why we believe that marriage prep is one of the most important investments a church can make in a couple (and it’s a phenomenal outreach opportunity too)!

We are meeting the demand for Before “I Do” with NEW RESOURCES,  GREAT PACKAGES & TREMENDOUS DISCOUNTS!

New Before “I Do” Resources!

BEFORE “I DO” FACILITATOR NOTEBOOK

The Facilitator Notebook is specially designed for teachers and counselors.  The comb-spine allows the book to lay flat for easier reading -and- the extra margin space allows for personal notes and reminders as you take couples through Before “I Do”.  The Facilitator Notebook is identical to the Before “I Do” workbook, but with the custom features especially helpful for Marriage Investors.

BEFORE “I DO” COUPLES NOTEBOOK PACK

Customize your premarital with couples and increase section-by-section accountability with the Couples Notebook Pack.  This spineless, 3-hole drilled version of Before “I Do” is ideal for Marriage Investors to provide couples with sections of the workbook as they complete the material. Every Pack includes 2 (two) complete workbooks. Three-ring binders available for extra cost.

Great Before “I Do” Packages!

PREMARITAL STARTER KIT

The Premarital Starter Kit includes 1 (one) Facilitator Notebook and 2 (two) Before “I Do” workbooks.  You save at least $20 off, and can order additional workbooks for just $17.50 per book (up to eight additional books). Get off to a great start preparing couples for the Full Marriage Experience.

STIMULUS PACKAGE FOR BEFORE “I DO” PROVIDERS

Since everyone else seems to be getting a bailout, we decided to give the churches and organizations using Before “I Do” their own Stimulus Package during 2009.  For new and current Before “I Do” Providers, get 30%-40% on workbooks, Couples Notebook Packs, and Facilitator Notebooks.  We’re looking out for you!

Tremendous Discounts on Before “I Do” Products!

>> TRY BEFORE “I DO” FOR JUST $15 PER BOOK (first-time orders only)

This is as risk-free as you can get with a 40% discount on your first order of Before “I Do” (up to 20 workbooks)!

>> IF YOU LIKE IT, JOIN THE NATIONAL REGISTRY AND GET 30%-40% OFF ALL RESOURCES (during 2009)

We don’t pay you for using Before “I Do”, but we do give great discounts to churches, counselors and organizations who join the National Registry of Before “I Do” Providers. It’s free to join!  In addition to saving money, Registry Providers can choose to be listed on the FullMarriageExperience.com website and Marriage Junkie.com blog and receive free promotion and advertising to couples seeking out local premarital services.

>> EVERYDAY SAVINGS OF 20%-40% WITH ONLINE PURCHASES

Our bulk pricing discounts are the lowest out there. At FullMarriageExperience.com, buy one copy of Before “I Do” and pay full price.  Buy two or more copies and receive at least a 20% discount on the books.  No special code to enter, no teaser prices, and no expiration dates…go to the shopping cart, make your order and SAVE!

If you like the marriage prep resources of yesteryear by Wright, Parrott or Mack … you’ll love the premarital program designed for THIS GENERATION OF COUPLES!

Also, Before “I Do” works well with PREPARE, FOCCUS and The Couples Checkup.

Before “I Do” – Preparing for the Full Marriage Experience.

Six Four Different Custom Made, Two-Sided, Laminate Tiles With Unique Messages of Hope, Love & Commitment!

WAS: $24.95 NOW: $19.95 (plus S&H)

Every 12″ x 12″ Decorative Tile is adhered by hand with a specially-chosen, inspirational message transcribed in a superior, vinyl custom lettering that is attached onto the sturdy, lightweight,  faux-ceramic laminate surface.

• Each side has a different colored granite surface, distinct lettering and a unique message.
• Attractive and contemporary to complement a wide range of home decor
• Lightweight and easy to display
• Versatile decoration can be placed in a bookshelf, on a mantle, or on the wall
• Worry-free home decoration that will never break
• Use as an accent piece or the focal point of the room

Actual comments from actual customers who purchased the Decorative Tiles.

• “They look like real tiles!”
• “What a beautiful decoration.  I can’t decide which one to get.” (she purchased three)
• “I’m getting this for a wedding gift.  It will be perfect!”"I’m going to decorate my office with these tiles.”
• “I have two little boys, but I don’t have to worry about them breaking this … they can’t”

Wedding Vows and Marriage Wisdom! SOLD OUT

• MESSAGE SIDE ONE: “For better for worse; for richer for poorer; in sickness and in health; ’til death do us part.”

• MESSAGE SIDE TWO:  “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times always with the same person.”  McLaughlin

Modern and Classic Quotes on Love!

• MESSAGE SIDE ONE: “Each day I love you more today then yesterday, and less then tomorrow.”  Gerard
• MESSAGE SIDE TWO:  “Love is a choice and we need to cherish the one who inspires that decision.”  Krafsky

New Testament Scripture Verses on Love and Respect!

• MESSAGE SIDE ONE: “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”  Mark 10:9
• MESSAGE SIDE TWO: “…each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”  Ephesians 5:33 (NIV)

New Testament Scripture Verses on Marriage!

• MESSAGE SIDE ONE: “TRUST steadily in God, HOPE unswervingly, LOVE extravagantly.”  I Corinthians 13:13

• MESSAGE SIDE TWO: “…if we love one another, God dwells deeply within us, and his love becomes complete in us – Perfect Love!”  I John 4:12 (Message)

Modern Quotes Motivating Us in Our Marriages! SOLD OUT

• MESSAGE SIDE ONE:  “Geting married is the boldest and most idealistic thing that most of us will ever do.”  Gallagher
• MESSAGE SIDE TWO:  “Invest in your relationship as early as you can, as much as you can, and as often as you can!”  Krafsky

Old Testament Scripture Verses!

• MESSAGE SIDE ONE:  “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”  Genesis 2:24 (NIV)

• MESSAGE SIDE TWO:  “The man who finds a wife finds a good thing; She is a blessing to him from the Lord.”  Proverbs 18:22 (Living)

Great for an anniversary present, a wedding gift, an engagement present, or a housewarming gift!
(Or just get it for your own home decoration!)