You may have encountered it before. When first confronted by this fascinating facet of Japanese culture, many people simply shut down their cognitive process completely and pretend nothing happened. Others, though, are able to maintain coherence and ask themselves questions about what they have just seen. Important, meaningful questions such as “Huh?” and “Whaaaa…..?” My own first encounter happened when I was a university student and was actually one of my first introductions to the country of Japan.

I still remember it clearly. One day, my brother come to my dorm room and told me there was this YouTube clip that I just had to watch. “Oh great,” I thought. “Another monkey falling out of a tree.” And yet I was encouraged by the enormous grin on his face. What proceeded is still difficult for me to describe. Only years of careful and methodical assessment of the video have given me the ability to put anything down in words. It was a music video of a group of grown men dressed in skin-colored underwear with leaves pasted over the naughty bits. They were singing a song called “Yatta!” which, directly translated, means “did.” In the context of the song, though, it means something more along the lines of “Yeah!” or “All right!” Also, there are random images of ostriches and food floating in space.

And that’s all I’ve got. I must have watched the clip at least a hundred times that first day. Partially because it was hilarious, but mostly because even after a hundred times, I still had no idea what I was watching. Writing a detailed description would be next to impossible. After all, how do you describe the indescribable? In most cases, you can’t, which is why I will let this latest manifestation of the weirdness of Japan speak for itself. The only preface I will give is that this is part of a very popular children’s TV show here in Japan. Enjoy!

Yep. You just watched that. Don’t try to unsee it, because you can’t. I know you probably have several questions, so I will address them. Yes, that is a man, and yes, those are heart-shaped farts. The song is called “Onara wa hazukashikunai yo,” which means “There’s no shame in farting.” Apparently, it’s a song teaching little girls that farting is OK. I’ve lived in Japan more than two years now, and it’s still not enough to prepare me for things like this. I have no idea why this exists. Below, I’ve included a full translation of the song, but be warned: reading it will only make you even more confused than you already are. If this is your first exposure to something like this, I will say what my wife says to me every time we encounter something like this: “Welcome to Japan!”

This is their album cover

There’s no shame in farting

Don’t hesitate to pa-pe-pi-poo

Go ahead and pa-pe-pi-poo

It comes when it comes, even for girls

pa pi poo pe poo poo poo poo

Don’t hesitate to pa-pe-pi-poo

Go ahead and pa-pe-pi-poo

O-na-ra-buri (Oh! Nice! Lovely!)

(Note: Onara = fart, buri = poop. When put together apparently it sounds like Oh! Nice! Lovely!)

My step up poo poo poo poo

Even girls fart

10 to 20 times a day

So don’t make rules for farting

Everyone’s stomach cries SOS

Please darling

forgive me, I think it’s coming

Listen darling

3 2 1 then poo poo poopoo

Don’t hesitate to pa-pe-pi-poo

Go ahead and pa-pe-pi-poo

It comes when it comes, even for girls

pa pi poo pe poo poo poo poo

Don’t hesitate to pa-pe-pi-poo

Go ahead and pa-pe-pi-poo

O-na-ra-buri (Oh! Nice! Lovely!)

My step up poo poo poo poo

O-na-ra-buri (Oh! Nice! Lovely!)

My step up poo poo poo poo

This engagement took the form of me going to a sushi bar with my family. You might be surprised to know that, even after living here close to two and a half years, this was my first ever sushi bar experience. We ended up going to a kaitenzushi restaurant. In Japanese kaiten means “rotating” and zushi means “sushi spelled with a z for some reason.” This type of restaurant is so called due to the fact that various pieces of sushi are constantly rolling past your table on a large conveyor belt. If you see something you like, you simply pluck it from the belt.

This is some sushi.

Of course you can also order whichever particular kind of sushi you want via the touchscreen ordering system at each table. Curious about how the system worked, I asked my wife how we would be able to identify which pieces of sushi rolling by were the ones that we ordered. She said, with certainty, “I don’t know.” Undaunted, yet unsatisfied, I mustered up my best Japanese and posed the same question to my father-in-law, which, to him, probably sounded something like “waoanbgoadgoakdjfnc,xkdaidgl?” Fortunately, though, he did seem to understand and promptly replied “They’re going to arrive on the shinkansen.”

Sushi on the conveyor belt.

If you don’t know, a shinkansen is a long-distance high-speed train usually used for traveling between cities or even across the country. I was more than a little perplexed by this answer. Still unsatisfied but this time quite daunted, I decided just to leave it at that. Soon after, however, I noticed a red light blinking above the conveyor belt next to our table. Before I could ask what it was, a miniature shinkansen arrived at our table bearing small plates of sushi. It was completely awesome. I ended up ordering quite a bit more than I could eat, just for the novelty of it. It made me wonder what other businesses could be improved by a tiny shinkansen delivery system.

Sushi on a shinkansen. Or a sushinkansen.

You may or may not know this, but there are some slight cultural differences between Japan and, well, the rest of the world. I find that one of the hardest things for me to do in Japanese is to make well-formed replies to things that other people say to me. Most of the time, this is due to a gaping chasm in the landscape of my Japanese ability. Other times, it’s because I simply have no idea what to say, in English or in Japanese. To illustrate, here is a conversation I had with the doctor during my most recent doctor’s visit, translated from Japanese:

Doctor: Please, have a seat. What seems to be the problem?

Me: I have a cold. My throat hurts. I have lots of congestion.

Doctor: I see. It’s a cold, then.

Me: Yes.

Doctor: This will hurt a little.

Me: OK.

Doctor: (sticks a metal tube up my nose which very painfully sucks out the snot and possibly a portion of my brain.)

Me: Ouch!

Doctor: Yeah, it hurts, right? Hey look at this! (At this point he holds up the metal tube, which now has a very large trail of snot hanging from it. He looks at me expectantly.)

Me: …

Doctor: …

Me: …

Nurse: Wow!

Not having fully adapted to Japanese medical customs, I found myself completely unprepared for this situation. The nurse obviously knew what the proper reply was, and I was very grateful for her assistance. Without her, I’m not sure how the visit would have proceeded.

There is one cultural difference, however, that actually makes speaking Japanese a little easier, at least in some situations. Japan has a rich history of customs that are based largely on rituals or patterns. The inherent predictability of these incredibly deep and long-standing traditions can be great fun to exploit for personal amusement. For instance, every foreigner living in Japan knows the phrase “Nihongo wa jouzu desu ne!” The phrase, meaning “You’re Japanese is good,” is almost always one of the first things a Japanese person will say after having met a non-Japanese. Whether your Japanese is actually good or not has no bearing on this whatsoever. In fact, the other day my local bicycle parking lot attendant said this to me, before I had uttered even a single word to him. True story.

Armed with this knowledge, I took it upon myself to come up with some replies that are a bit more interesting than the standard “Arigatou gozaimasu.” One that I like to use goes like this, “Sou omitain desu kedo, zannennagara sonna koto wa nain desu.” This can be translated to something along the lines of “I would like to think so, but I’m afraid to say that that just isn’t the case.” The surprised looks are generally satisfactory. Of course, sometimes I prefer to go the other route. In these cases I might say something like “Hontou? Tabun, risu wa kutsu wo tabeta,” which means “Really? Maybe a squirrel has eaten my shoes.”

Like many occasions here in Japan, cherry blossom season is celebrated with large quantities of alcohol. Drinking is a very large part of the culture here, and there are many opportunities throughout the year to experience it. To give you an idea, here is a quick list of just some the occasions that I have observed where drinking is appropriate:

• Going Away/Welcome parties
• Completing a project
• Weddings
• Coming home from work
• Lunch
• Sunday morning

As you can see, the Japanese are fairly indiscriminate when it comes to drinking, and I admit to being more than a little surprised when I first encountered the drinking culture here. In fact, I first began to realize the extent of it at my first hanami, or “cherry blossom viewing party.”

About 2 months after I had first arrived in Japan, sakura season rolled around, and I was invited to one such party with my new co-workers. We went to Ueno Park, which is one of the more famous spots for sakura in Tokyo, and I remember being struck, first by beauty of the blossoms, second by the sheer multitude of people there, and lastly by the overwhelming percentage of them that were inebriated. I was told that, even though our party was starting at 7:00 pm, most people had been there all day. Drinking. Coming from a place where you can get arrested for even possessing an open container of alcohol in public, I was understandably taken aback.

But it wasn’t only the fact that they were drinking in public or even the number of drinkers that got me; It was also the diversity. In America, when most people think of binge drinking, they picture college students or hairy, middle-aged men with no shirts and little purpose in life. This was not the case at Ueno Park. There were men and women of all ages in attendance, starting from 20 and going all the way up past, and I’m pretty sure about this, 90 years old. Everyone was drinking together and having a good time.

Obviously, the culture surrounding drinking and drunkenness is quite different between America and Japan, but I think I understand why. That whole night in Ueno Park, surrounded by thousands of drunken people, I didn’t witness a single drunken brawl. Not even one. I mean, what’s mass drunkenness without a brawl or two, right?  In fact, the only incident I witnessed that night was when an overly intoxicated man in a business suit, who was causing problems by falling down and running into people, was escorted away by the police. I thought I was finally seeing some action! “Is he being arrested?” I asked one of my colleagues. “No,” she said, “They’re just escorting him safely to the train station.”

Take for instance Valentine’s Day.  Over here it’s pretty close to what I’m used to, but they only went half-way.  In Japan it is traditional for girls to give chocolates to the men of their dreams.  And their co-workers.  For the men, it is traditional to do… nothing.  For men there is a separate holiday called White Day.  It’s like the other half of Valentine’s Day, and it came this week on the 14th.  This time the women do nothing while the men get their chance to express love and/or professional proximity to the women in their lives.  I consider this system something an upgrade, mostly because it gives us guys an extra month to procrastinate… er, I mean plan something special.

At least, that’s how it should be.  Things get a bit muddled  in an international relationship.  And by muddled, of course, I mean completely unfair.  This is the conversation I had most recently with my wife on how we would celebrate Valentine’s Day:

Me: So, what are you getting me for Valentine’s Day this year?

My Wife: Oh, I don’t know.  What are you getting for me?

Me: Well, I thought since we were in Japan, we should do it the Japanese way.  I’ll be sure to get you something of equal or lesser value on White Day.

My Wife: Oh, but you’re American, so you should do it the American way.

Me: OK, you want to exchange gifts at the same time, then?

My Wife: Yes, that’s much better.  That way I can easily wait for White Day.

Me: Why would you wait for White Day if I’m giving you your present this month?

My Wife: That’s my Valentine’s Day present.  I’m Japanese, so you should get me a White Day present also.

Me: Hey, wait a minute, you said we were doing it the American way..

My Wife: No, I said YOU were doing it the American way.  I’m doing it the Japanese way.

Me: Well, I’m only going to get you one present.

My Wife: OK, that’s fine, but I’ll still be waiting on White Day.

Me: Waiting for what?

My Wife: Just… waiting.

And thus I became inexorably locked into buying an extra gift.  However you work it, combining the two traditions ends up in me buying two gifts and only getting one in return.  Even writing down and looking over the conversation again, I’m still not exactly sure how she did it.  I guess that’s the power of Woman.  My wife says that it’s just an extra chance to show her I love her.  It’s really hard to argue with that!

Obviously, this type of arrangement is not without its drawbacks, but it allows us to save money in more ways than one. For instance, by leaving our apartment we can avoid paying the biannual contract renewal fee. The contract renewal fee is most commonly equal to the amount of one month’s rent and must be paid every time your rental contract expires. This kind of fee might seem odd to you, but that’s only because it is. Incredibly so. You see, Somehow, the entire country of Japan has managed to misunderstand how the real estate industry works.

You might think that you could avoid this fee by simply moving to a different apartment every few years. You would be mistaken. When moving into a new apartment there is a separate fee you must pay known as reikin. This is a Japanese word that can roughly be translated as ” mandatory fee that must be paid in order to properly express your gratitude to the landlord for allowing you to pay him money for living in his building.” I hear it makes perfect sense if you’re a landlord.

Fortunately, there is a bright side to all this. Due to the aforementioned lack of space, my previous apartment was roughly the size of a cockroach brain. As such, I was able to finish loading the moving truck in about twenty minutes, and the largest piece of furniture I had was about the size of a small coffee table. It was easily the least painful move I’ve ever experienced. Also, I know it’s going to be quite different now, having roommate in-laws, but they’ve agreed to waive the reikin, so we’re off to a pretty good start!

McDonald’s, despite its phonetically difficult name (makudonarudo), has enjoyed almost as much success here in Japan as it has in America. Any food company that does business here in Japan must come to terms with the fact that every once in a while it’s going to have to release exciting new flavors of its existing products, just to satisfy the market. McDonald’s knows this, which is why its new “Big America” campaign has been so successful. In this campaign, every few weeks a new burger is released based on a different region of the United States. So far they’ve done Texas, New York, and Hawaii. This is quite a departure from the modus operandi of McDonald’s in America, as the burgers are actually REALLY GOOD.

I can only speak for the New York and Hawaiian varieties, though. When I tried to buy a Texas burger, I was very politely informed that they were out. A fast food chain restaurant running out of a food product is not something I have really encountered before, outside of Japan. Happy meal toys, sure, but food?  Never.  Now, you’re probably thinking that this was just bad luck or an isolated incident. Or that I’m lying. Well none of those things would be true. And shame on you. This has, in fact, happened to me before.

Another chain that has enjoyed a fair bit of success here is KFC. Known simply as Kentucky, the chain has done a fantastic job of marketing itself as the go-to place for a traditional Christmas dinner, among other things. The thing that really stands out to me about KFC in Japan, though, is the day that it ran out of chicken. Yes, KFC ran out of C. It all happened one fateful Thanksgiving day, my first year in Japan, when my wife and I decided to hit up KFC for a “traditional” Thanksgiving dinner. Here’s how it all went down:

My Wife: What do you want to get?

Me: Let’s get the Rotisserie Chicken.

My Wife: OK (…Something in Japanese…)

Clerk: (…Something in very polite Japanese…)

My Wife: He says they’re out.

Me: Oh. Well, then let’s just get a 7 piece bucket or something.

My Wife: OK (…disappointed Japanese…)

Clerk: (…VERY polite Japanese…)

My Wife: He says they’re out of chicken.

Me: Geez. Well I guess we could get the.. wait. They’re out of WHAT?

My Wife: Chicken.

Me: It’s KFC, how could they be out of chicken??

My Wife: I don’t know.

Me: Why are they even still open, then?

My Wife: I really don’t know.

Me: Can you ask?

My Wife: I’d rather not.

Me: …

Me: Does that mean you won’t?

My Wife: Yes.

And so to this day it remains a mystery. How does a store just run out of its main product? It’s like Babies R Us running out of babies, or like Kinko’s running out of bad attitude. At least now my Japanese is good enough that I’ll be able to ask next time. I probably won’t understand the answer, but that’s not really the important part.

Ise (pronounced ee-say) is home to one of the more famous shrines in Japan. As such, I had no reason to assume it would be any different there. It was not. People had come in droves, from all over the country, to visit the shrine and pray for health, wealth, happiness, and perhaps an iPhone or two. We waited for over an hour just to get a chance to see the main shrine! As is necessary when living in Tokyo, I have developed an ability to enjoy myself amidst nearly fatal crushing pressures, so, even with the crowds, our visit to Ise Jingu was a very nice, if predictable, experience. It was the following day that would really shatter my expectations.

After waiting in line several hours on the first day of our trip, we somewhat ironically decided to go to a theme park on the second day. Our park of choice was about a 20 minute bus ride from Toba station and is known as Chonmage World. Chonmage, I learned, is the name of the hairstyle historically worn by samurai during the Edo and surrounding periods. I can say with full confidence that this was my first ever visit to a theme park dedicated to a hairstyle. I was intrigued, to say the least, but this park would turn out to be different in more ways than one.

Even as we stepped off the bus, I noticed something a bit off. Right next to the bus stop was a parking lot which, for some reason, struck me as large enough to safely land a 747. For Tokyoites, this fact in and of itself is pretty amazing, but what really pushed it over the edge was its complete and total lack of anything even remotely resembling a vehicle. Plainly speaking, the parking lot was empty enough to, well, land a 747. Suddenly, I got a bit nervous. Had our plans gone awry? Was the park closed? I thought about turning back but decided that it was not an option. After all, I am not one to give in so easily to adversity. Also, the bus had already left. So! With Griswold-like resolve, we headed toward the gate.

As luck would have it, we were not to be disappointed. There was someone waiting for us inside the ticket booth. He was very helpful and informative, and he told us all about the park and the various shows that would be put on throughout the day. We were relieved that the park was open, but the utter lack of people was still a bit unnerving. In fact, it was downright strange. Granted, the park had literally just opened for the morning, it was one degree below unbearably cold, and, to top it all off, there was a light drizzle that had been forecast to last all day. Even so, I had figured there would still be at least some people there. Nevertheless, we gave it the benefit of the doubt, bought our tickets, and ventured forth into history.

A View of Chonmage World

Even from the elaborate fort-style entrance gate, we could tell that this park was no joke. Someone had a spent a great deal of money making it into a real, proper theme park. Everything on the grounds, from the buildings and statues to the appropriately dressed staff, was reminiscent of feudal Japan. There was even a full-scale replica of an ancient castle, built on a hill overlooking the park, that we could enter. There was not actually a lot to see inside the castle, but the view from the top was nothing short of spectacular. As we walked around the park, it really wasn’t too hard to imagine what Japan would have been like a few hundred years ago. Of course, there were a few things there which weren’t exactly historically accurate.

A View From the Top of the Castle

Chonmage Castle

I suppose it was to be expected, though. After all, no attraction in Japan is complete without its own mascot, and Chonmage World did not disappoint. Enter Nyanmage, a large white cat with the haircut of a Samurai and a heart of gold. As strange as he may sound, Nyanmage was actually quite endearing. We first caught a glimpse of him just after we entered the park. He was standing in the middle of the road, his white suit wet and slightly browned from the mud, just waiting for someone to pass by. When he saw us, he immediately came running over. He did his best to act shy and cute, and we posed for some very silly pictures. It was quite a good time, really. After finally parting ways, he returned to his vigil, underneath his historically accurate umbrella, waiting for more passersby. Clearly, his costume had been dampened by the rain, but his spirit had not.

Me and Nyanmage

Nyanmage's Vigil

In fact, the same could be said about all of the staff there at Chonmage World. Not only was everyone incredibly friendly and helpful, they really took their jobs seriously. This was perhaps most true of park’s theatrical performers. We saw two shows while at the park and I quite enjoyed both of them. The first was a Ninja-themed fighting and stunt show, which was choreographed and performed impressively well. It even had some pyrotechnics. The second was a comedy show which was, apparently, quite hilarious. At least the other 15 audience members seemed to thinks so. I, on the other hand, had no idea what was going on, which was probably why they picked me out of the audience to participate.

Quite suddenly, I was thrust into a period costume, given a list of Japanese phrases, and unceremoniously shoved out onto the stage. At the time, I had no idea what any of the phrases meant, but the audience seemed to find them quite entertaining as I randomly blurted them out at various points during the show. Later, I found out that they translated into such phrases as “Case closed!” and “Off with his head!” I found myself enjoying the experience without really understanding it, which is another important skill to have in Japan.

At the end of the day, it really was a proper theme park experience. The only things missing were the long lines and the churros, which were apparently not as popular back in the Edo period. With no waiting, we were able to experience the entirety of the park within the space of a day, and, all things considered, it was a day incredibly well spent. I even left the park not feeling spatially or financially violated. So if you’re ever in or around Ise, I highly recommend stopping by, even if just for the novelty of it all. If you do, please tell Nyanmage I said “Hi.”

The Line to the Main Shrine at Ise Jingu

In addition to the inconveniently large number of visitors, there also exists a strange superstition about the shrine.  According to the superstition,  any couple who visits the temple together will break up soon afterwards.  After learning of this, I understandably became a bit suspicious of my wife’s invitation to go.  When I asked her about it, though, she had a laugh and said that we were immune because we were married.  Good to know!  So far, it’s been 2 days, and we haven’t had any problems.

Even in the face of these insurmountable odds, we ended up having a really great trip.  We got to see everything at Ise Jingu and bought some souvenirs on the old-fashioned shopping street adjacent to it, my personal favorite being fresh tofu donuts.  I know it sounds strange, but they were actually quite delicious.  I believe this had something to do with the fact that they tasted nothing like tofu and everything like donuts.  After all that, we retired to a really nice ryokan, which is like a traditional Japanese hotel.  It was a very nice room, that was actually a bit larger than my current apartment, and it had what I assume was a fantastic view of the ocean, though we never really got to see it.  It was too dark by the time we arrived at night, and too foggy the next morning.  We did however get to enjoy the onsen, or hot spring, with about 15 different bathing facilities in and around the building, so overall it was a really great experience.

Our Room at the Ryokan

I definitely recommend it to anyone, though you might consider going during the summer if you’re not used to Antarctic temperatures.  Also, be careful of going there with a loved one if you’re not married, I guess.  My wife did say that there would be plenty of people at the shrine asking the gods for love, so, if you’re single, have at it!  If that’s not enough, there’s also a very interesting theme park nearby, which I plan on writing about in my next post. Stay tuned!

One thing that almost all people do in the new year is go to a shrine.  There are many reasons for going to a shrine, most of which involve giving money to the priests in exchange for health, wealth, or good luck in the coming year.  This tradition, of course, is particularly enjoyed by the priests.  Also available for purchase are various charms and trinkets to the same end, as well as omikuji which are small slips of paper that tell you your fortune for the new year.  The best part of this tradition is that if you’re not satisfied with your fortune, you can tie it to a special pole which will get rid of your bad fortune for you.  After that, if your wife is very superstitious, you will probably buy another one.  Or two.  Just in case!  I asked my wife if bad fortune could be avoided simply by not buying one.  She said no.

But there’s a really nice side to all this as well!  Just like Christmas in the United States, the new year is a time for getting together with family in Japan.  Visiting my wife’s family for the new year always means one thing: fresh, delicious crab.  The traditional dinner served at this time of year is called osechi and usually includes many colorful and traditional Japanese dishes.  That I don’t like.  But my wife’s family’s osechi always includes fresh crab, which tastes incredible.  Also, my Mother-in-law usually buys a pizza for me as well, due to my being American.  Some might find this a bit stereotypical.  I find it delicious.

All in all, I had a wonderful New Years holiday, and I hope everyone else did as well.  Best of luck to everyone in 2010!