Just for Married Ladies | from the YLCF

leave and cleave

2010-02-27T22:13:00.000-08:00

"Every marriage problem stems from either a failure to leave or a failure to cleave."

-Don and Sally Meredith, 2 Becoming One: God Designed Marriage; He Can Make It Work, pg. 93

water your lawn!

2010-02-20T23:00:00.000-08:00

There's not greener grass on the other side.
If you water your own grass, that's how you can be blessed!
-Nancy Anderson, in Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, quoted on Revive Our Hearts, emphasis added

fire starters

2010-02-12T13:23:00.000-08:00

Ladies, it's February. Time to check your fire. And we don't just want smoke from a smoldering log, we want flames: after all, it's time for Valentine's Day!

Actually, all of February is National Marriage Month. Did you know that? I'm not sure why a month already devoted to so much romance was designated marriage month. (Why not August or October, perhaps?) Regardless, though we're focusing on Single-Mindedness on the rest of ylcf.org this month, you'll always find a marriage focus here on Just for Married Ladies--February or not!

But back to that fire (the marriage relationship). How is yours burning? FamilyLife Today had a great program on "Romance in the Rain" this week (February 8-9). Dennis Rainey talked about "fire starters" such as time and focus. And he reminded us out that fires go out when they are not tended well.

The point that hit home? "If you are wondering why there isn't much romance in your marriage, take a step back and ask how much fresh fuel have you brought to that fire?" (emphasis mine).

Go take a listen to both part 1 and part 2 of "Feed the Fire of Romance" on FamilyLife Today. Then be sure you've made your preparations for a fiery Valentine's Day with your hubby. And if they're not too scandalous, share them here in the comments!

When it comes to love she ain't no slacker
My little darlin' is a Firecracker
-Josh Turner

Quotables

2010-02-06T23:46:00.000-08:00

I've read a lot of good books about marriage through the years. They have literally shaped what I think about marriage, and thus, they have shaped my own marriage.

Sometimes as I'm reading I'll find a real gold nugget. Even if I don't think the rest of the book is particularly outstanding, there is often a gem hidden in its pages. Other times, it's the summation of the author's whole point, in one simple sentence.

For example, this sage piece from Dr. Laura Schlessinger in Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

"Sex is to a husband what conversation is to a wife."

You can't beat the power of that quotation to bring home the point to a wife (or to a husband, for that matter--but this is a blog for the ladies, remember).

I've collected my favorite spicy tidbits through the years. Now I want to share them with you.

Introducing YLCF's Just for Married Ladies "Quotables": a wife’s favorite quotations on a husband’s favorite topic.

Print them out. Write them on a 3x5 card. Tuck them in your sock drawer as a little reminder to skip the socks and pull something out of the lingerie drawer instead. Tape one on your mirror to let your husband know you've got his interests in mind. Use one as a bookmark to remind yourself to romance your hubby before you fall asleep reading.

Share them with your married friends. Stick a few nicely lettered cards of quotables in a lingerie gift at a bridal shower. And be sure to send us your own favorite married ladies quotables, too.

Modern Womanhood & Pregnancy

2010-01-29T22:26:00.000-08:00

by a Happily Married Newlywed

I've come to realize that modern womanhood does not prepare women for pregnancy.

By "modern womanhood" I mean just about every group of people out there that gives us pictures of what womanhood is like. I mean people within both Christian and secular realms and people of most any age. Family, friends, acquaintances, strangers. I mean media and movies and books and all the other areas. The only exceptions I can really think of are some older people who have not fallen to the lies of this age (although often they aren't very vocal about what they think) and those in really conservative homeschool Christian circles, but I was only really part of one of those for a few years of my life. Most of the time I've been in more "moderate" Christian circles, some homeschool circles and some not, and several secular circles through some of my college and work experiences. So I've been exposed to a lot of lies.

And by "does not prepare women for pregnancy" I mean that modern womanhood gives an image of what womanhood is like that pretty much teaches and reinforces values and ideals that have very little to do with childbirth and motherhood and, in fact, are often contrary to what womanhood actually entails.
Most women marry, and most become mothers at some point. That is a fact, yet that is where the disconnect is--between what actually happens and what modern womanhood depicts.

Modern womanhood does not accept the idea that one of the purposes of marriage is bearing children. In fact, in extreme modern womanhood (such as with celebrities) they try to divorce it from marriage altogether. Want a child? Go to a sperm bank! But that extreme aside, modern womanhood sees children as, perhaps, a fringe benefit of marriage and something a couple can choose to do it some point if they wish. Instead, they say marriage is all about companionship and romance and love as if all those areas could not possibly include the idea of a family. And if family is to be included in that, they tout the idea that only a few children are necessary to round out the picture. Why would anyone want more than 2 or 3?

Modern womanhood does not accept that a pregnancy could be anything but unplanned or planned. By "unplanned" I am referring to a teenage mother whose boyfriend's condom breaks or something else "tragic" happens of that nature. By "planned" I mean a married couple (or "committed couple") who waits until a convenient/ideal time, tries to get pregnant, and succeeds. I'm not saying people who do that are doing something wrong, but my point is that modern womanhood does not understand the idea of a pregnancy that does not fall into either category. They would see such a pregnancy "achieved" without planning to be foolish, out of ignorance ("do you know what causes that?"), or just unheard of. The only situation where they'd allow it is if a couple were on the older side, and then they'd think they weren't trying to prevent pregnancy because, well, age is creeping up, so they might as well get pregnant before they're too old, right? They don't understand anything else.

Modern womanhood does not prepare women for gaining weight and increasing in size (nor decreasing in size after giving birth and being left with "less" of a figure). Modern womanhood is all about dieting, getting fit, and being able to wear that bikini come summer. It is about being healthy and getting that figure you've always wanted. It is not about a woman intentionally gaining weight, rejoicing as she sees her belly growing, or enjoying the changes in her body that pregnancy brings. For the first time in a long time in my adulthood, I am not on a diet. For years I've skirted around certain food groups and tried not to eat too much too often, never in a crazy or unwise attempt to drop pounds, but in a way to gradually lose what I didn't want to have. But now I not only am not dieting (pregnant women should never diet), but I am also eating a lot and often. Pregnancy forums online and in books are riddled with questions of "How much should I gain?" and "Am I gaining too much?" which are legitimate questions (after all, you can certainly overdo your weight gain), but that kind of persistent paranoia and focus is fed off the modern womanhood patterns of not eating much, not eating certain foods, not gaining weight, and so forth. Weight should not be so much our focus but health. What should I eat to help my baby? How should I prepare my body to help the baby grow, to help me during labor, to help the milk supply? But a person can only come to a pro-eating mentality after loosening the tight modern womanhood shackles of the anti-eating, anti-food mentality.

Modern womanhood does not understand the fulfillment of motherhood. Many people have already covered this one far better than I can, especially as I am not a practicing mother yet. But to be brief, work, hobbies, "me time," friends, husbands, being involved in the PTA, etc. are all very important and fulfilling, yet motherhood couldn't possibly be. Or, if motherhood does have some fulfillment, it is only fulfilling if one "influences the world" outside of one's family. As if raising a child couldn't be a very effective way to influence the world!

Modern womanhood does not help a woman anticipate and embrace changes in her body during pregnancy. Instead, modern womanhood tells a woman that SHE must be in control. Even in areas such as her menstrual cycle, the world says that she can be in charge of that and have a period four times a year. Or not at all. While a woman should, as much as she can, take charge of what she puts into her body and what she does to her body, pregnancy is certainly an area where her body will go through a God-prescribed series of events regardless of what she wants or does herself. Of course, there is the whole pro-choice strain of thought that says keeping the child or aborting it is her choice, but regardless--if the pregnancy continues, she cannot choose for the baby's heart to be formed a different week than it will or that her morning sickness should be postponed until after a meeting at work. No, the body will do what it will do, and like it or not, the woman will have a baby somewhere within 40 or so weeks, and her body will go through all the necessary changes before then, all in the right sequence. Modern womanhood does not prepare women for this "lack of control." And this problem continues through labor, when many women have traumatic or unbearably painful labors for many reasons, among them the fear of "letting go" and allowing labor to take its course.

And these are just some of the areas where modern womanhood gives women a far different picture of their lives than will be the actuality for most of them. The result? PANIC. FEAR. ANXIETY. (All fueled by a lot of the pregnancy information out there that focuses so much on everything that can go terribly wrong.) I admit that I felt a taste of each of these anti-virtues in finding out I was pregnant myself--not that I didn't want to be pregnant, but I found that as much as I knew that one of the purposes of marriage was to bear and raise children, actually doing it myself was something different. And even if I knew it was good and natural for my body to change shape, gain weight, and grow, I was a bit panicky at the thought of everything I had worked so hard to do for my body would be completely undone (which is untrue--a lie, thanks to modern womanhood). And so on.

Since then I have spent some time having to unwind the lies and redo the images of what womanhood really is about, not just for women in general but for me. And getting to the stripped-down truth and realizing how this is all meant to be has been very rewarding and calming. To know truth and to experience truth are two different things, but when they come together, the result can be beautiful and fulfilling.

Unfortunately, many women never get away from the lies, and instead they have awful pregnancies, labors they wish to forget about completely, children they get along with best when they aren't spending time together with them, a decision to stop at having X number of children (since the kids turned out like that, who'd want more?), husbands they wish they could change, burnout as they are stretched thin between family and work, and a strong desire just to get to the point of self-actualization, fulfillment, contentment, peace, and happiness. They do not realize they have missed all their best chances at the satisfaction they desire. In trying to find the best in modern womanhood, they have missed out entirely on what womanhood truly is.

Sex to the Glory of God

2010-01-16T21:10:00.000-08:00

"Just as the strength of your marriage will be evident in the bedroom, an increase in marital intimacy will in turn strengthen the non-sexual aspects of your relationship...

"Great sex will help your marriage better reflect God and his glory to the world."

-C.J. Mahaney, Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God, pg. 26

the essence of sexual enjoyment

2009-12-11T20:58:00.000-08:00

"Sex is not the most important thing that makes a marriage work. But it is important...

Sex is a part of the will of God for husbands and wives. It is one way in which they glorify Him (think of it!). They are not to deny it to one another. Love your husband, love his body, love to be close.

The essence of sexual enjoyment for a woman is self-giving. Give yourself wholly, joyfully, hilariously...

You will find that it is impossible to draw the line between giving pleasure and receiving pleasure. If you put the giving first, the receiving is inevitable."

-Elisabeth Elliot in Let Me Be A Woman, pg. 159-160

FAM-ily Planning: How

2009-11-20T06:00:00.000-08:00

If you are learning about the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) for the very first time, it may seem like a scary leap of faith to change from a "guaranteed" pill to simply being "aware" of your body's signs. It may sound difficult, confusing, overwhelming and time-consuming--and granted, there is some room for confusion, difficulty and frustration at times, especially in the beginning. But it gets easier and better with time. It is truly fascinating to be "in tune" with your body and to know how it is working through out your cycle.

I started my education about FAM online, where I discovered that there was a book all about it: Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. While I don't agree with all of Toni's beliefs and morals, her information and research about FAM is the best I've ever seen. The book may be geared more towards achieving pregnancy than avoiding it, but it explains the phases in a woman's cycle, how exactly to chart, the differences in cervical fluid and what to look for. With this information in hand, one can apply it to avoiding pregnancy just as easily as using it to achieve pregnancy.

Your cycle begins with your period, and is divided into three parts: the pre-ovulatory infertile phase, the fertile phase, and the post-ovulatory infertile phase (better known, perhaps, as the Luteal Phase, or the LP).

Contrary to a somewhat common belief, not all women ovulate exactly on the 14th day of their cycle (CD14). In fact, many women may ovulate earlier or later than that. Neither is it safe to assume that you will ovulate on the exact same day every cycle. I've found that one cycle, I may ovulate on CD11 and a few cycles later as late as CD17! The beauty of FAM is you can know when you're fertile. By just noting and recording a few signs you can pin-point fairly closely when you actually ovulate.

To begin charting you need:

a good, basal thermometer
a paper chart, an online chart, or my personal favorite, Ovusoft's download-able computer software that is based off of the information from the book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility
a commitment to being careful to "follow the rules"
a willingness to stick with it, even if it doesn't make sense at first (it takes time and patience to see the pattern, your own, personally cycle pattern, and develop a history to go off of)

You'll use the thermometer to take your temperature every single morning. As soon as your alarm goes off. Before you get up, move around or do anything else. This may take a while to form into a habit, but if it can become habitual to take a pill every day, it can become pretty natural to take your temperature every morning too. My thermometer sits near the clock on our shelf-like headboard. As soon as I wake up in the morning, I reach up for my thermometer to take my temperature. Mine has a memory, so once I'm done, I put it back and it remembers for me until I'm ready to chart it later in the day.

For accuracy's sake, it is very important to take your temperature at the same time, or as close to the same time as possible, every day--after at least 3 hours of good sleep, before you've gotten up, and before you drink anything. In the event that you don't always wake up at the same time, Taking Charge of Your Fertility does give some tips on adjusting your temps, but this isn't something that you should rely on frequently. Work with it until you find a time that you generally do get at least three hours of uninterrupted sleep on a regular basis, and take it then... even if you go back to sleep afterward!

The second sign that is vital to being successful with FAM is your cervical fluid observations. With the changing hormones in our bodies before, during and after our "fertile phase", the secretions that our cervix puts out changes. These are extremely important signs of where we are in our fertility cycle, and should be recorded with your temperature every day until ovulation is confirmed. If you are menstruating, you record that instead.

To note your cervical fluid patterns, you'll need to pay attention to your vaginal sensations and be willing to feel to find out "what's in there." Make sure your hands are washed before checking. Some ladies have an awfully hard time with this, and understandably so. It may be awkward at first. But God gave us cervical fluid as a sign of where we are on our cycle, and as a very important part of our fertility. Observing cervical fluid is a part of FAM that brings accuracy that would otherwise be lacking.

There are several different kinds of Cervical Fluids. It does take some practice and patience to learn to recognize and tell them apart. Generally, following your period you'll go from feeling pretty "dry" (not a lot of moisture-low fertility) to sticky/crumbly/gummy (low fertility), creamy/lotiony/cloudy (possibly high fertility), watery/slippery/"eggwhite" (clear, very slippery, and stretchy-highest quality of fertile fluid). Coupled with your vaginal sensations (often times you'll just "feel" wet and slippery), and your temperature, your cervical fluid tells the story of your cycle. Here again, we are all different. Some may have the basic infertile pattern as dry while others might be "sticky." Get to know your body and you'll start to see the pattern.

In the right environment, sperm can live up to seven days. Sperm lives best in a moist environment, and not so well in a dry, thus the better quality your Cervical Fluid (CF) is, the more likely it is that sperm will survive.

The Basal Body Temperature that you take every morning should remain lower until after ovulation. The release of hormones (specifically progesterone) during ovulation causes an increase in temperature, which will be shown by a "thermal shift" (usually about 0.2-0.8 degrees F) in comparison with the previous six days' temperatures. After three days of the higher temperatures, with appropriate cervical fluid observations, it can be determined that ovulation occurred. Generally, ovulation occurs the day before the temperature shift.

With the return of Cervical Fluid of a greater quality than your basic infertile pattern (for many, that is either dry or sticky), you need to consider yourself fertile and take precautions accordingly.

During the fertile phase, the Cervical Fluid will become more and more wet and "egg-white-like" (stretchy, slippery, or sometimes just watery) until ovulation, at which time it will gradually become drier (gummy, sticky) in consistency. At the same time as your temperature shifts higher, you should notice your cervical mucus lessening and becoming less fertile in quality.

Technically you may, depending on your own cycle history, have a few "safe days" in between your period and your fertile phase. But if you are serious about avoiding pregnancy, this would be the time to use a barrier method or to avoid, as you choose. Do not consider yourself definitely infertile until ovulation has been confirmed (four days of high temperatures and all CF drying up).

The length of each one's cycle may vary depending on the number of days before ovulation, and the length of the luteal phase. Generally, your LP should not be longer than 14-16 days. If it is, you might want to go ahead and buy a pregnancy test!

Does it sound confusing and overwhelming yet? Don't worry...it does get easier with time and practice. And you aren't in it all alone. There are many wonderful resources to help you learn and understand the process--and your body.

I'd recommend starting where I and many other ladies have started: read Toni Weschler's book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility. It's available through the link at Amazon, and you may be able to get it through PaperBackSwap or even your public library's inter-library loan system. If you have a friend who has one, perhaps you can borrow theirs, but likely as not, you'll end up wanting one for yourself at some point. Read it, make notes, read it again, and put it into practice.

It is important to get a good basal thermometer that reads to the hundredths for more accurate charting. Some women prefer oral, while others find vaginal thermometers to be more accurate for their situations and needs. There are a large variety of thermometers in large variety of prices. I got mine at Walmart for $16.00 (it even came with a paper chart).

I also recommend using a software if you feel intimidated by paper charting (though this is well explained in Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and some do find it easier) or you would like to be able to share your chart with others who are "experts" for opinions and help in understanding your cycles. Fertility Friend offers a free Online Charting system which works well, but I personally highly recommend Ovusoft's program. Ovusoft is much more educational and explanatory--and often considered to be more accurate in its interpretation of fertility signs (though as with any "automated" program, it is up to us to use our instincts and real life knowledge to make final decisions regarding our fertility). You don't have to be online to use Ovusoft, but can easily upload your charts (for free) to a secure and private place for future reference--and for help if need be! It's easy to use and self explanatory, and goes so well with the information learned in the book. I believe that if it is an option, you will quickly find it a $40 well spent! After all, birth control costs money too, and you only have to buy this one once!

If you feel like you'd be all alone, you're not! There is a growing number of women who are committed to life, to God and to understanding this amazing gift of fertility that God has given us. Not long before our wedding, I was introduced to a forum-community dedicated to Fertility Awareness and Natural Family Planning, that was pro-life, and that was based on Christian Principle. The ladies kindly answered my many questions, helped me to understand some of my difficult charts, and I have been blessed by the support group and the interaction with others who are where we are in the FAM journey.

If you would like to be walked through your first couple cycles, and have a place to ask questions when something just doesn't make sense, the Christian FAM-ily Planning forum is a good place to start. There's a wide variety of perspective with everyone comes from different places, but it has helped me tremendously with understanding FAM in relation to real life.

If you are considering your options as a soon-to-be-bride, and think FAM might be "it" for you, I'd recommend starting out as soon as you can to learn how FAM works, and to become familiar with your own unique cycles and body.

If you've been on the pill and want to get off, you'll want to remember that it is important to use a barrier method until your cycles return to normal. It is recommended that you get at least three normal cycles under your belt before you start trusting your body's signs and can follow the normal FAM rules.

If you're looking for a "fool proof" birth control method, there is only one method that is fool proof: don't ever have sexual intercourse. Even "the pill" fails sometimes, condoms do break occasionally, and diaphragms and femcaps can be placed wrong.

God made intimacy to be a beautiful, heart binding thing between a husband and wife. A healthy marriage should include intimacy. It is not wise or good to cut that out of marriage. It's a gift that comes with the possibility of new life, and if we are so strongly opposed to new life that we aren't willing to accept that as a possible part of our intimacy, then perhaps it isn't a wise idea to get married at all.

It is possible to misread our bodies' signs, and there are still people who have "surprise blessings" with FAM, too. But if you are committed, careful, and do not bend the rules, FAM is just as successful as any pill ever was--and it does not destroy life. It's an amazing method that answers so many questions about our bodies. How it works is just another testimony to our Creator, Who made us in such an amazing way!

Related Posts:
FAM-ily Planning: Why
FAM-ily Planning: The Difference (coming soon)

Please Note:
The YLCF ladies understand that there are strong and varying opinions on the topic of birth control and family planning and avoiding pregnancy in anyway. In no way does this series of articles intend to attack, put down or in any way cast a shadow on any of the heart felt convictions of our sisters in Christ.

Instead, we simply seek to share a natural, healthful, and life friendly alternative of understanding our bodies and cycles avoid or achieve pregnancy for those families who feel God leading them to be wise stewards of all of the gifts that He bestows -including their fertility, while remaining open to the possibility of new life at any time as He sees fit to bless.

FAM-ily Planning: Why

2009-11-06T22:17:00.000-08:00

I had a lot of things on my priority list during our short engagement. Sometimes I had serious doubts as to whether or not I'd ever make it through the seemingly endless lists that a bride-to-be faces. However, one thing that was not on my priority list was thinking about Birth Control options. I had already chosen my option.

Every couple is different--some choose to start their families right away after marriage, some want to wait a few months or years before they have a child on the way. There are probably just as many reasons for waiting as for not, but whether you are wanting to avoid or achieve pregnancy, FAM-ily "Planning" just might be the answer.

How to avoid pregnancy is probably one of the number one questions each couple who decides to wait faces. Yet it seems like there is increasingly less information available about the options--or at least the information that is out there can seem to give a lop-sided view.

If you step into a clinic and inquire about Birth Control, more than likely you will find yourself piled with papers and plenty of information about a variety of chemical and hormonal birth control options. But you may or may not be given much information about barrier methods, and probably not much positive information about anything else. It is no wonder that we have a somewhat lop-sided view of the issue.

However, there are mounting concerns on many sides about "the Pill(s)" and other hormonal control methods of birth control--both for pro-life convictions and the long term health of the woman and her potential future children.

In the past, it was fairly common knowledge that birth control pills were abortive in nature. If you became pregnant while taking the pill, the pregnancy was likely to be terminated by the hormones and chemicals in the pill making it near impossible for a new little baby to grow and mature. This knowledge was often misused by those who did not value life, and caused heartache for those who did.

Pills have changed faces several times over the years. While these "new pills" have claims on no longer being strictly abortive, and in fact may be the "easy" option, these new pills still pose threats to life and health that are enough to convince me that I cannot use them.

While technically no longer abortive, the pills instead make the environment of the uterus unfriendly enough that most often the egg never implants, if indeed ovulation is not suppressed (which happens more often than we realize) and an egg is fertilized. And if the egg is fertilized and does implant, the rate of early miscarriage is greatly increased. Of course there are some successful pregnancies begun while on these new pills, but it's a risky business. I don't believe this new method of preventing pregnancy before implantation much better than the pills that "aborted" pregnancy after implantation.

If you believe, as I do, that life begins at the moment of conception--which is sometimes even up to 6 or more days before implantation into the wall of the uterus occurs and you are "officially" pregnant--these pills pose just as much of a problem as the pills that terminate pregnancy post implantation. Life is a precious gift. It isn't for us to decide when that life, "unplanned" as it might have been, should end.

Some still argue that pills are not a threat to life. But from a statement made by the American Society of Reproductive Medicine, we can find that this is not the case. In a short article from LifeSiteNews.org, Ellen Rice quotes the statement: "In the 'wide variety' of oral contraceptives that are available, the 'mechanisms of action' are the same, said the statement: 'inhibition of ovulation, alteration in the cervical mucus, and/or modification of the endometrium, thus preventing implantation.'"

It may not happen every cycle, but it could happen, and it does happen all too often. Two dear girls in my family circle have miscarried while on a pill that was not supposed to affect pregnancy in the "rare case" that it might occur. The Pill was put as the fault for these two heartbreaking moments. It does happen, often times just so early on that it is never really "caught".

Besides threatening the life of our unborn children, hormonal birth control methods come with a host of side effects, short term and long term. The ladies I've known who have been on the Pill have complained of things ranging from weight gain, insomnia, increased breast sensitivity and pain to major mood swings and lack of motivation. Other studies show that there are possibly other more long term effects to our health and fertility, such as increased risk of cancer, heart attack, stroke, and even lupus. The Pill depletes vitamins and minerals in your body, and also can increase the levels of C-reactive protein (CRP) in the blood. This is known to cause narrowing and hardening of the arteries. And it also could possibly create future problems with conceiving children when a couple is ready to have a family. More recently, I've heard of some studies which may lead one to conclude that this could lead to compromising the health of our children in the future.

Obviously, for a pro-life, health conscious couple, the "traditional" pill-means of planning and spacing the family is not an option, but there is an option that is safe and informative. It's called FAM, the Fertility Awareness Method.

I discovered the Fertility Awareness Method, aka: FAM, sort of by accident. As a late teen, I had some odd things going on with my cycle and came across FAM as a way to chart and understand how my body worked and to hopefully pin-point an issue if there was one. As an unmarried girl I wasn't interesting in fertility awareness, and I was slightly skeptical about the claims that FAM would even work as "birth control". A few months of charting, some reading and comparing and thinking--and I was convinced that it really could work. And it did not violate my principles and values, nor did it destroy health.

In FAM, I found something much better than hormone-altering pills or patches, something that helped a woman to understand and see the wonderful way God created us, and something that left open that "embrace" of life, and the possibility and beauty of any Surprise Blessings to form into healthy, and precious little people, instead of another broken place in a Mother's heart.

Natural Family Planning (NFP) and the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) have been marked as useless and ineffective when it comes to avoiding pregnancy. Further research and examination show that it isn't the method, but the lack of sticking to the "rules" that made NFP and FAM have such low rates of success. And truthfully, the only 100% "fail proof" method of birth control is total and complete abstinence at all times, and that is not a part of any healthy marriage.

While I don't have the years of experience under my belt that some couples have, I've been using FAM to chart my cycles for over two years all together, and my man and I have used it to avoid pregnancy for 10 cycles in the seven months of our marriage. It does work. It does not destroy our health. And it does not destroy the possibility of the precious gift of new life. This is why we chose FAM.

Stay tuned for "FAM-ily Planning: How"--coming soon!

Unitive or Procreative?

2009-10-31T23:42:00.000-07:00

"All Christians should likewise emphasize the two-fold purpose of the marriage embrace, because the contraceptive mindset eliminates the purpose of male-female marriage. If marriage is primarily unitive, than the marriage act is appropriate for any two individuals who wish to be united. If the marriage act is equally procreative, it becomes necessary that marriage be between a man and a woman only."

-Bekah S. in an article at Glory of the Olives

Nursing Bras and Sexy Underwear

2009-10-10T00:34:00.000-07:00

by Gretchen Acheson, April 2008

Last week I left my two favorite people at Sears (hubby looking for the tool he needed, baby girl sleeping in the cart) while I got lost in the mall looking for Victoria's Secret. When I finally found a map to direct me to the store I'd been to a dozen times, I ran in to claim my free undies.

As always, the girl at the counter asked if I wanted to take advantage of the $10 off a bra that was included with the coupon.

And just as I've done for the past year, I answered in slightly accusatory tone, "No, you don't carry nursing bras."

But this time, she said, "Yes we do, right over there."

I think my jaw dropped. I know my eyes must have bugged out when I was directed to a selection of sexy nursing bras. (If you've ever shopped for nursing bras, you know that, much to a husband's chagrin, they are not usually synonymous with sexy.)

The clerk explained that their store was one of a group testing out the nursing bra market, and if it went well, all VS stores would be carrying them.

I oohed and ahhed over the selection, but didn't feel justified spending that much money when I didn't really need another.

Returning to my hubby and still-sleeping daughter in Sears, my husband was thrilled to hear VS was carrying nursing bras. And he couldn't believe I hadn't bought one to show my support.

By the time we were driving out of the mall parking lot, he was asking me if I might not need another by summertime. And soon we were all three traipsing back into the mall (heading directly to VS this time, thanks to my husband's directions).

In true VS style, their nursing bras combine sexy and practical for the ultimate in comfort. (With a few designs just for the enjoyment of baby's daddy, all practicality forgotten.) They may cost three times as much as the ones at Motherhood Maternity, but as you'd expect from VS, they're so comfortable you can easily justify the price. And as you'd expect from VS, husbands won't care about the price.

Not to mention that we're supporting the cause. It's about time Victoria's Secret realized some of their customers would end up needing nursing bras, thanks to all that sexy underwear...

P.S. It seems few Victoria's Secret stores stock nursing bras now, more than a year later--but you can still find two basic (yet still sexy) styles for sale on their website. Married moms, where is your husband's favorite place for you to buy nursing bras?

money and marriage...and sex

2009-09-19T21:05:00.000-07:00

What does a book about money have to do with sex? Plenty. Any couple who's been married very long could tell you that if there are problems in any other area of your marriage, those problems will sooner or later start interfering with your sex life. And since money is statistically one of the biggest "problem-causers" in marriage, reading a book called Money and Marriage God's Way might be one of the best things you ever did for your sex life!

Here is author Howard Dayton's 5th "always" rule for conflict resolution from Money and Marriage:

Always keep your arguments out of the bedroom. That's a place for unity and intimacy, not hashing out differences. Don't withhold sex to manipulate your partner. Sex was never designed to be used as a weapon, withheld without mutual consent. (1 Corinthians 7:3,5)
-Money and Marriage God's Way by Howard Dayton, pg. 155

Read the entire review of Money and Marriage over at ylcf.org. Buying and reading the book might be one of the best things you ever did for your finances, your marriage...and your sex life!

True Feminine Appeal

2009-08-29T20:24:00.000-07:00

Remember how I mentioned around Valentine's Day that I'd heard Carolyn Mahaney on the radio speaking about "grade A" passion and it was the best message on sex and marriage I'd ever heard? Well, ladies, I finally discovered Carolyn has written a book. And in "the seven virtues of a godly wife and mother" we find the secret to true Feminine Appeal.

The entire book is fabulous. You can read my more in-depth reviews of the rest of it on ylcf.org. But I wanted to point you married ladies to the chapter that is jam-packed with biblical principles for a passionate, exciting sex life: "The Pleasure of Purity."

God intends for us to experience tremendous joy and satisfaction when we express our sexuality within the confines of marriage. Marital union and fidelity allow a husband and wife to wholly delight in each other… Purity’s pleasure is receiving sex as a wonderful gift from our Creator and enjoying it for His glory. (pg. 82)

The great thing about Feminine Appeal is that it captures the entirety of feminine appeal. How many married ladies can boast a great sex life with their husband when they don't treat him with kindness and goodness? Carolyn makes it clear that the marriage relationship is not all about sex. And neither does exciting sex start at bedtime. That's what the third principle for "grade A" passion (aka "exciting sex") is all about:

Be Attractive
Be Available
Be Anticipatory

Remember that sex was God's idea in the first place, and He is passionately committed to blessing the marriage bed, for our pleasure and His glory. (pg. 98)

It's worth the price of the book just for this chapter alone. But if you read the whole book, you'll discover there's a whole lot more to Feminine Appeal than just sex appeal. It's all worth acquiring. (But each of the seven virtues will benefit your sex life!)

Related Posts:

Sex and Pretty Underwear

2009-08-15T23:03:00.000-07:00

by a bride-to-be
originally published on ylcf.org

“An angel in the home and a devil in bed!” When I read that phrase as a teenager, it stuck with me. It was a clergyman’s description of the ideal wife, the “perfect mate for any man,” according to Charlie Shedd in Letters to Karen.

I thought it sounded ideal. I liked to be a bit wild and crazy, and I loved shopping for pretty underwear. I knew I could embrace such a philosophy of marriage. As I grew older and more observant, however, I began to think most Christian wives embodied the opposite description. But then, how would I know. Single girls are always discussing their vast (lack of) knowledge with each other. But married women never talk about sex (except to complain). So who could blame me for assuming married people get bored and stop having sex after two children?

I’m no longer a teenager filled with idle curiosity. The engagement ring on my finger gives me reason to learn what I need to know. But more importantly, what I don’t need to know. Everyone seems to be giving me advice, most especially the people I didn’t ask. Based on what I’m hearing, one would conclude it was impossible to enjoy married life before 1977, when Ed Wheat’s book Intended for Pleasure was published.

But apparently his wasn’t the first attempt to reduce sex to mere technique. In 1929, E.B. White and James Thurber wrote:

The country is flooded with books. To prepare for marriage, young girls no longer assemble a hope chest—they read books on abnormal psychology. If they do finally marry, they find themselves with a large number of sex books on hand, but almost no pretty underwear. Most of them, luckily, never marry at all—just continue to read.

Now if lingerie was necessary for great sex, God would have done some shopping for Eve. They didn’t even wear leaves in the Garden, and God said it was good. But ever since the Fall, we’ve known to cover our nakedness. And being covered makes what is underneath enticing. That’s why we wrap presents. And that’s why my hope chest contains some lace and satin that’s not big enough for a table cloth. (As one happily married man informed me, “The less material, the better!”)

As to the sex books, we’re skipping those for now. I’m relying on a recently married friend for the tips I really need to know before the honeymoon. I figure that technique comes with practice, in sex just like in everything else. No matter how much we read, it won’t be perfect the first time. So in these months of my engagement I’d rather read more about perspective than performance.

There are plenty of books on marriage by women. But I figured the best books on how to be a good wife are probably written by the men who live with them. In Charlie Shedd’s book Letters to Karen, a compilation of letters to his daughter, I’m finding practical advice mixed with wisdom and perspective:

The female of our species was created with seductive powers which have been debauched by sinners and maligned by moralist through the years. But do you suppose the world simply hasn’t grown up to this truth—maybe women were made that way because that’s how they are needed at the right time and in the right place? …The best protection I know against loose sex is a wife who knows the glories of womanhood and uses her natural charms to the maximum.

I’ve grown up hearing women complain about how often their husband wants sex. They also complain when he ends up with his secretary. And the wife who nags and refuses him sex still wonders why he chose the secretary who flirts and strokes his ego. I’ve decided I’d rather keep my husband eager to come home at the end of the day. Even if some nights I receive no more pleasure than that of being in his arms (which will be no small pleasure, I am sure).

I want to be that angel of a housewife. I want to cook his meals and raise his children. I don’t want to ever be guilty of complaining about my husband. I want to show him honor in every word I say. And I want to be that devil in bed. I want him to feel happy and content in every room of the house, but most especially in our bedroom.

I get married three months from now. I suppose I’ll find out how realistic my idealism is. But I plan to keep my husband so happy at home that he will never have a thought of looking for it anywhere else. And I’m already filling my suitcase with that pretty underwear.

Open Embrace revisited

2009-07-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

I remember reading Open Embrace: A Protestant Couple Re-thinks Contraception as a single girl. The Torode's honesty was refreshing. Their openness to life struck a chord.

I was tired of hearing about an "oops" or the "tagalong." I'd seen too many pair of eyes filled with the tears of a miscarriage. Life was too precious to be so incredibly opposed to its conception. And life was too sacred to even accidentally abort a baby through use of contraceptives.

Yet while I wanted my future marriage to be open and receptive to life, I knew that prudence might demand stewardship of the gift of fertility. Natural family planning sounded easy. Take your temperature, observe a few signs, abstain a few days a month, no problem.

But the more I read and observed about sex and marriage, it seemed to me that the problem with a lot of marriages might have stemmed from abstaining more than a few days per month. And turns out the even though peak fertile period may only be a few hours or days per month, that doesn't mean you won't conceive a week before or after. Two weeks a month without sex? Were husbands actually going for this?

A few years down the road, I was once again visiting openembrace.com. This time, I was married. And this time, I found a bit of a disclaimer. Several years of marriage and children later, the Torodes had a slightly different perspective:

...strict NFP reaches a point where it is more harmful for a marriage than good...

...it's a theological attack on women to always require that abstinence during the time of the wife's peak sexual desire (ovulation) for the entire duration of her fertile life, except for the handful of times when she conceives.

The motive behind Open Embrace was to help foster strong and joyful marriages, and that's still our goal in writing this. We are still concerned about the Pill and hormonal contraceptives for their effects on women. We still agree with everything we wrote about the goodness of sex, marriage, the body, and the beauty of children.

-Bethany Torode on openembrace.com, May 2006

Natural family planning is excellent in the way it educates women to be aware of their body's signs. Not only will you detect fertility and pregnancy early on, you'll often notice when something isn't right and needs medical attention, as well. But natural family planning doesn't always do as much for the sexual part of marriage as the medical part. Which is why a lot of happily married couples use something more along the lines of the fertility awareness method.

Fertility awareness seems for many to be a good blend of stewardship and trust: often using non-abortive barrier methods as a means of stewardship during fertile times, yet trusting that God in His wisdom is in control of every little sperm and every little egg, and knowing full well that no barrier will stop what God has planned.

But whether you use NFP, FAM, or a truly open embrace, I think the Torodes would agree that Open Embrace is more about a mindset than a method. A marriage that is not open to children might be little more than free sex. A marriage that is all about children might go to pieces if they are not so blessed. A marriage where two are infrequently becoming one might not be much of a marriage at all.

Related Links:

"Open Embrace: An Update from Bethany" - an archived version of openembrace.com
"An Open Letter About Open Embrace" - an archived version of the original update from Sam and Bethany on openembrace.com
"When Changing Your Mind Goes Public" - an interview with Bethany Torode in Catapult Magazine
"When Should You Have Babies?" at bathgates.net
Gretchen's original review of Open Embrace (with excerpts from the book)
watch for an upcoming series from another team member about the "what", "why", and "how" of FAM

Open Embrace

2009-07-18T22:58:00.000-07:00

review originally published in the YLCF Journal, issue 32

OPEN EMBRACE:
A Protestant Couple Rethinks Contraception

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"Sam and Bethany have done a beautiful job with Open Embrace! Humble, practical, inspiring, down-to-earth, well-written, and easy-to-read, it is a book that every couple should read. Singles will appreciate its message as well. Bethany writes so sweetly of the blessing of motherhood, sharing from her heart. And Sam does a great yet humble job of laying forth their findings about birth control and natural family planning. They don't force an opinion on you, but leave the reader to draw their own conclusion, encouraging you to pray and study about it for yourselves. This couple has been willing to stand up as a voice for their generation. May they be an inspiration to young and old alike to follow God's design for love and family!"

-Gretchen Glaser, 2003

Quotable Quotes from Open Embrace

Evangelicals are known for “engaging the culture.” Contemporary Christian music, for example, often mimics the sound of “secular” music while adding Christian lyrics, as though the music conveys no message of its own. Problems arise when we begin engaging the culture and end up marrying it.
Some wives and husbands try to sever the procreative dimension from the unitive. They imagine that by refusing the “burden” of children, they can achieve a better partnership, a higher intimacy. The problem here is that their partnership was designed for raising children, and any so-called intimacy which is deliberately closed to new life is merely a collaboration in selfishness.
Our culture tells us that sex is really about pleasure, not spousal unity and procreation. Thus, in order to stay culturally relevant, many Christians stress that it was God who designed sex to yield pleasure. From this legitimate starting point, however, some Christians end up elevating pleasure above the procreative and unitive aspects of sex. In so doing, they unconsciously buy into our culture’s hedonistic pursuit of pleasure as an end in itself.
All who fight for life should take the lessons of history to heart. As long as the contraceptive mentality prevails, abortion will follow. One of the most practical steps we can take to combat abortion is to renounce contraception in our homes. Too many people have built their lives around the availability of contraception and, if that fails, abortion.
Abortion advocates have long known that if you oppose abortion on the grounds that life begins at conception, you must oppose also the Pill, which can prevent the implantation of a fertilized egg — a tiny, genetically complete human being.
If God gives you children, be a mother with your whole mind, soul, and strength. If he has given you the talents to be an engineer, the same thing applies. But I am dubious that he would ever ask us to be fully both at one time…We cannot expect to juggle all the hats and be the best we can be at all of them. The reality is that if I choose to have a full-time career, my husband and kids will have me only part-time. …It is only by sacrifice that we understand what true love, commitment, and maturity really mean. Being a husband and father, or wife and mother, forces you to look outside yourself to the needs of others.

What is "Oops" About Life?

2009-07-11T22:56:00.000-07:00

originally published on ylcf.org, February 2005

"It was an oops," she said.

I beg to differ. God planned it. He guided the uniting of that particular sperm and egg. He formed that unique human life inside your womb. He blessed you with a child to love, a soul to raise for His service. In God's eyes, there was no oops about it.

Have we just added "Christian" to Planned Parenthood? Are we forgetting that God created life? That God created sex, and then said, "Be fruitful and multiply"! Family planning—no matter its form—is not always going to work. God is the one and only master Family Planner. Something is wrong if we think we can play God and decide how many children are best for our family. Do we trust God so little to think that He isn't capable of knowing what size of family we can handle or afford? Yes, parenting is a huge responsibility, but if we aren't ready for that, then we aren't ready for marriage. (And after all, as Valerie Sheppard, mother of seven, queries, "If one child takes all your time, how can seven take any more?")

Why do we view a baby as an "oops" if it comes too closely after another sibling or after we think our family is large enough, when other couples try for years and are never able to have children? I don't think they would call it an "oops" if God sent them a baby after they were forty. They would tell you how miraculous and special each child is. What is our view regarding the sanctity of life if a baby is called an "oops"?

But today both men and women are getting operations to "fix the problem." How can anyone look down at the sweet, innocent face of a newborn child and call it a "problem"? As one brave couple, Sam and Bethany Torode, declared, "Fertility, unlike appendicitis, is the norm of a healthy body. Pregnancy is not a disease — why vaccinate against it?" There are plenty of non-abortive ways to lower the probability of conception if the need is felt to wait for another child. And if they conceive, the "worst" that could happen is that they would have a precious little baby to add to their family!

Why do we ask if a child is a surprise—isn't every child a special surprise and blessing from the Lord? We are not guaranteed fertility—every child is a miracle. We need to be thankful for every gift from the Lord, whether we hoped it was coming or not.

Parents with more than four or five children are viewed with incredulous looks these days. "Don't they know what causes that?" Something is wrong with our society when life is viewed in such a way. How must those children feel, to know that according to everyone else, their parents should have stopped having kids before they were born? Have we forgotten the verses, "Children are a heritage from the Lord. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them"? A quiver holds a lot of arrows!

Today we think we can wait to have children until we know each other well, or are stable financially. But a woman's most fertile years end at twenty-seven. "We act as though we have complete control over our bodies, and we think fertility can be turned on and off like a light switch," observe the Torodes in their book, Open Embrace. As much as we like to think we're in control, that we have the right to make decisions about our bodies, we aren't in charge at all. If we wait until we're finally "ready" to have kids, we may not be able to have them at all.

To be fair, you rarely hear a Christian parent say, "I really wish we hadn't had our third child." But ten years later, they still get called a "tagalong." Or dad and mom have to explain for the umpteenth time that no, it wasn't planned—like they would have been crazy to think of having another child. What if their parents had stopped with their older sibling?

If we are going to stand against abortion, the murder of innocent children, then why do we perpetuate the mentality that life is an oops? To raise children, after all, is a high calling, and blessing from the Lord.

Created to be His Helpmeet

2009-06-20T22:00:00.000-07:00

originally published on ylcf.org, April 2005

"Always remember that the day you stop smiling is the day you stop trying to make your marriage heavenly, and it is the first day leading to your divorce proceedings."

So Debi Pearl puts it in the most down-to-earth, practical, hands-on book ever written for wives: Created to be His Help Meet. In its 300 pages, Debi outlines the responsibilities and duties of a Help Meet, giving everything from child training advice and meal plans to memorable anecdotes and rather scandalous tales of her own happy marriage.

One of my favorite pieces of advice has always been, "Never frown: you don't know who's falling in love with your smile." And it's a good thing I listened to it, because my man frequently thanks me for my "always-ready smile." Debi Pearl writes much on the importance of joy in marriage. "When he first fell in love with you, you were a sweet little thing, full of laughter and fun. From the very bottom of your heart you were thrilled with him... Is he still married to the same sweet little thing, or have you become a long-faced, sickly complainer? Love is like a flower: you can't expect it to grow without sunshine. Has your lover seen your sunshine lately? ...Does yor husband see you as a happy thankful woman? Does he smile when he looks at you, amused at the cheerful little grin on your face and the totally delightful things you think and say--even the dumb things? Learn to charm him with your mischievous 'only for him' grin."

Debi's emphasis is that you must continually "Cultivate his love for you," earning every cherishing smile and caress. Never expect your husband to love you just because he should, she explains. Debi tells the unforgettable "Tale of the Purple Flowers PJ Girl" to emphasize the things your man really cares about...and it's not what you'd think!

Debi even has her own summary of the personality types of men, which you can read in this excerpt.

Created to be His Help Meet is a wealth of practical advice for wives. Chock-full of letters about real marriages, and Debi's sage responses, Created to be His Help Meet addresses subjects that most books won't touch.

But like many books on marriage, it's not recommended reading unless marriage is in your immediate future. I was shocked to find examples and stories that were rather explicit and provocative. Especially in comparison to my other two favorite books on marriage: For Women Only (click for review) by a mainstream Christian publisher and Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (click for review) from the secular publishing world. So though I don't usually recommend a book and then tell you what chapters not to read, I will with Created to be His Help Meet. Chapter 16 is a great chapter called "To Love Their Husbands." But it's about loving your husband (read: sex) so wait until he's almost your husband to read it. Chapter 19 is all about modesty--and what immodesty does to men. I'd recommend skipping pages 204-207. Chapter 23 is about instances in which not to obey your husband--skip it unless you really need to know them! (While I've not yet finished reading the book completely, I've skimmed it in detail, and hopefully caught all the extremely objectionable parts.)

Despite the Pearl's rather conservative views, and my aforementioned objections to the book, Debi Pearl's sage advice is too good not to pass on. I think many wives will find invaluable encouragement in the pages of Created to be His Help Meet. I wish Debi would write an edited version for young women, with a title like Preparing to be His Help Meet. We don't need to be reading too many details about sex and marriage. But we do need to be trained in the role we dream of filling, because we were Created to be His Help Meet.

How to Spell Love: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

2009-06-13T18:00:00.000-07:00

by Gretchen Glaser
the "married" version of the review originally published on ylcf.org, May 2006

I like books on marriage that perfectly describe my man. It means the author must have things figured out. Because I know my man has things figured out when it comes to loving me!

But, I am continually learning that I have lots more to figure out about loving him: it's spelled r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

When I first skimmed Dr. Emerson Eggerich's book Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs in the Christian book store, I thought it looked like just a longer version of the principles on his website at loveandrespect.com But when I found the book for $1.50 at a thrift store (a wedding gift someone didn't want, as evidenced by the note in the front), I decided to read it for myself. I'm glad I did.

Love & Respect doesn't delve into all the marital issues of communication, chores, and sex in detail. Instead, it shows that those aren't the issues at all: instead, love and respect are the real root issues. And when you learn to love and respect, everything else falls into place.

The basic premise of the book is that we have this crazy cycle going in marriages today: without love, she reacts, without respect he reacts, without love, she reacts, ad nauseam. Dr. Eggerich encourages couples to try the energizing cycle, where "his love motivates her respect and her respect motivates his love." It's not easy. And while it goes both ways, it can make a difference regardless of whether your spouse is treating you how you want to be treated. For, in the end, "his love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love."

I soon picked up the yellow highlighter, to mark those spots I should read again in a year or two, or whenever I need the reminders.

A wife's usual approach is to complain and criticize in order to motivate her husband to become more loving. This usually proves about as successful as trying to sell brass knuckles to Mother Teresa. (pg. 17) No husband feels affection toward a wife who appears to have contempt for who he is as a human being. The key to creating fond feelings of love in a husband toward his wife is through showing him unconditional respect. (pg. 19)

Yes, of course, women need respect and guys need love. My man tells me over and again how much it means to hear me so those three little words. But my love would soon mean little to nothing to him if I didn't show I meant it by respecting and admiring everything else about him. As Dr. Emerson points out, the primary drive in each sex is that women long for love and men must have respect. He likens it to food and water. You need both to survive, but you can live longer without food than without water. "For men, love is like food and respect is like water."

I have had numerous men confirm this research by telling me, "I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me." (pg. 49)

"Every man does what he does for the admiration of one woman." When you fell in love and he married you, he felt that you believed in him and he appreciated that--perhaps far more than you have ever realized. It touched his spirit, because this is something huge within the male. (pg. 202) He felt deep feelings of love for [you], but they came out of his being convinced that [you] respected him and admired him. [You were] striking a chord deep within him that literally drove his life then as it drives his life today. (pg. 59) He married you, and he thought that your "cheerleading" would last forever.

One particularly poignant reminder to me was that often, my man doesn't need or even want me to talk to him--he just wants me to be with him. When he pulls out a car magazine while we're sitting on the couch, it doesn't mean that he's bored with me--it means that he will enjoy it even more because I'm there with him. Dr. Emerson advised one wife, "If he is reading the paper, watching TV, or even working outside on some chores in the yard, if you will just sit there next to him or pull up a chair and watch while he works, you will see the most amazing energy flow into him." I guess that's why he likes me to ride on the tractor with him, even though we can't even hold hands because he's operating levers with both hands and feet--he just likes being with me. Instead of feeling neglected, how loved this should make me feel!

The prince goes into battle for the princess, not vice versa. Consequently, the princess does not seek to be respected as the "head." Instead, she yearns to be honored, valued, and prized as a precious equal. (pg. 53) The problem many women have today is that they want to be treated like a princess, but deep down they resist treating their husbands like the king. They aren't willing to recognize that in the depth of his very soul a husband wants to be the one who provides and protects--he wants to be an umbrella of protection who would willingly die for his wife if need be. (pg. 209)

Merritt has been working long, 15-plus-hour days lately, preparing us a home to live in. Our little home won't look like a castle to most, but I feel like a princess. What could be more romantic than having him build us a home? Yes, even drain fields have become romantic! (And if you don't know what a drain field is, you can look it up on google.com, but the details won't be very romantic.) Every time I remember to thank Merritt for all of his hard work, he always tells me, "Thank you for making it worth it." What better illustration of my respect towards him motivating a loving response from him! And it only takes a few heartfelt words.

Dr. Eggerich quoted what someone once said: "Just as the devil will do everything he can to bring two people together sexually before marriage, he does everything he can to keep them away from each other after marriage." I wish more married women would keep each other accountable by asking once in a while, "How are you doing at defeating the devil in bed?"

A wife needs emotional release through talking. When that need is met, she feels loved. When a man refuses to talk, that symbolizes to her that he does not love her or care about her need. A husband has a need for physical release through sexual intimacy. When a wife refuses, that symbolizes to him that she does not care about him and does not respect him and his need. A wife also needs to think about how unfair it is to say to her husband, "Have eyes only for me," and continual turn him down when he approaches her sexually. (pg. 251)

I think the most poignant illustration is when Dr. Eggerich quotes his wife, Sarah, about sex:

"Wives, what if your husband didn't talk to you for three days...three weeks...or three months? You would think that abominable." (pg. 525)

The cold, hard truth is that men are often lured into affairs because they are sexually deprived at home. (pg. 253)

Wives, please don't let that happen. If you do, your husband is not the only guilty party.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ. (pg. 279) [My wife] doesn't cause me to be the way I am; she reveals the way I am. (pg. 284) Remember that you will be tested because your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ. (pg. 295)

To the gentlemen reading, please remember, it's all about love. But ladies, forget about the mushy feelings of love and romance. Your husband spells love not with four letters, but with seven: r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

When a wife feels her need for love is met, she bonds with her husband. When a husband feels his need for love is being met, he bonds with his wife. This can happen simultaneously. Two do, indeed, become one! (pg. 299)

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Reader Recommended Books Part Two

2009-02-22T13:49:00.000-08:00

More favorite books on marriage recommended by our readers...

Christine - The First 90 Days of Marriage is great!

Joelle - I've enjoyed reading Romancing Your Husband. It's an excellent book with great ideas for holistic romance in marriage. (I'd say it's better for married readers.)

Rita - I liked Intended For Pleasure. I ought to track it down again. (Someone lent it to us after we got married.)

Jessica - One book that has given me so much understanding of my husband and how I can be an encouraging wife is For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn. I would love to see a review of it on here sometime!

Miriam - My all-time favorite book that's been helpful in my marriage is Created to be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl. Especially when I'm confused or frustrated about something in my marriage, it's an awesome resource to help set my priorities straight.

Christine - The Act of Marriage by Tim Lahaye. It was a very good, practical book on sex. I would strongly suggest that engaged couples read it before they get married, and that married women refer to it. Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. This book is not necessarily a book just for married women, but for women in general. I found it very helpful in helping me deal with things in my life that needed to be dealt with. God still uses that book in my life.

Deanna - One of my favorite marriage books is Sacred Marriage!

Mary Jo - My favorite marriage book thus far has been The Excellent Wife. I read through most of it twice and have been reading it through leisurely a third time. It is full of doctrinally sound, biblical encouragement.

Lucy - I would say that a book that blessed my marriage was The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace. We also read Dr. Ed Wheat's books before we married and they were very helpful with the marriage bed side of things.

Danae - My husband and I really enjoyed reading Love That Lasts, by Gary & Betsy Ricucci. We read it together partly during engagement and partly after we got married and it really helped us go over a lot of key issues together. And then a book that I personally appreciate is Let Me Be a Woman by Elisabeth Elliot. It's one of my very favorite books on womanhood; not so much specifically on marriage, but it addresses so many factors that are an important part of my marriage. It's been a real blessing to me, each time I've read it.

Jennifer - My husband and I have been married for 10 months. We found The Act of Marriage by Tim and Beverly LaHaye to be a very practical help. The book was a gift from my dad and we read it to each other on our honeymoon! Love and Respect also helped us understand each other and we read most of it during our engagement.

Reader Recommended Books Part One

2009-02-18T13:49:00.000-08:00

Some favorite books on marriage recommended by our readers...

Johanna - Love That Lasts by Gary & Betsy Ricucci; Creative Counterpart by Linda Dillow, (more specifically addressed to wives than the Ricucci's book.).

Mrs. Patrick - I really like Sex and the Supremacy of Christ. It contains the wisdom of so many Christians who I deeply respect. Their words have often encouraged me in my relationship with my husband of nearly two years. It is really good to hear Christians talk truthfully about sex and put it in an eternal context.

Lizzy Kristine - I don't have a favorite marriage book. I've read about 20 books over the last few years, taking tidbits from each. But I don't think that any marriage looks like anyone else's marriage, so a book can only help you so much. A close relationship with the Lord is your best ally for any circumstance of life, including marriage.

Charity - I read The Act of Marriage and liked it but I also recommend browsing through the website "The Marriage Bed" and signing up for their "Generous Wife" email list. It includes a lot of tips on both intimacy and many other ways to bless your husband. I'm also reading Love and Respect and it's really helpful - and true!

Johanna - I highly recommend Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming To Ourselves by C. Terry Warner. This book doesn't just focus on marriage (although it does discuss marital relationships); it focuses on healing the emotional pain in our lives that results from poisonous relationships. It eradicates the source of pain rather than treats its symptoms. I gained a whole new paradigm of wholesome love, compassion, and connectedness I never had before. The concepts clearly presented in this book is extremely profound.

Jen - I have found A Celebration of Sex by Rosenau to be very helpful to both of us.

Robin - To be honest I can't think of any specific marriage books that I have really loved. I did like The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian and certainly some of the other marriage books have been helpful. I think what has benefited my marriage the most however has been books that have caused me to think and to seek out my relationship with God and with my husband. For me marriage is very much a three-way relationship - we need to have God right in there with us. The most helpful Christian books I've read (although not specific to marriage) were The Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren (we did this as a devotional together - and will do it again) and multiple books by Philip Yancey - Reaching for an Invisible God as well as his books on pain/loss/grief.

Charity - The book I'm reading right now and really appreciate is Love and Respect. It's given me a whole new view of how my husband hears things. Certain things I say would never seem disrespectful to me, but they can be to him! I highly recommend wives to read it with their husbands.

Natasha - Marriage books that have been helpful: There have been many books that have been helpful to my marriage but as of yet, I haven't found one about marriage that has been helpful to it! My husband and I just finished reading the book, Heaven on Earth, Family Style which is the story of Norman and Betty Charles, who were missionaries to Brazil. We read it just before leaving for a year on the mission field so it was especially helpful to us!

encouraging your husband

2009-02-13T05:19:00.000-08:00

What is the single most encouraging thing you've found you can do for your husband?

Carolyn Mahaney's answer was simple: "Make love to him!"

Her message on grade "A" passion is the single best message I have ever heard on the subject of wives and sex. She said it all in twenty minutes on FamilyLife Today. Better than any book I've read. I think I'm going to have to check out her husband's book Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God which I hear includes a chapter by Carolyn.

Read the transcript. Listen to the message. Encourage your husband this Valentine's Day.

There's more than just care and feeding...

2008-11-20T23:58:00.000-08:00

originally published on ylcf.org, March 2005

When a friend told me about Shaunti Feldhahn's book For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, I didn't quite believe it could top my absolute favorite book on relating to men: Dr. Laura Schlessinger's Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. But after searching every book store in town to find For Women Only, I came home and read it in one sitting (well, almost--I had to stop for some "Old South Fudge" ice cream halfway through!). For Women Only needs a better cover, but that's my only complaint.

Inside the striped cover of For Women Only, I found a concise, encouraging message that motivated me to apply what I discovered in its pages. More succinct and less blunt, with scriptural principles instead of crass terms, For Women Only now tops Proper Care and Feeding on my list.

For Women Only is a must-read for every woman who has (or hopes to have) a man in her life. It is a book I will go back to time and again (along with the articles in this February's issue of Focus on the Family Magazine), for reminders on the best way to love, respect, and support my man. But I would still recommend Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands for additional guidance--you can't beat Dr. Laura's signature down-to-earth practicality. (Read my review of Dr. Laura's book here.)

Shaunti's book had two chapters that Dr. Laura's didn't. From Shaunti I learned about a man's visual Rolodex that he battles every day (which relates to what she and Dr. Laura both have to say about how important it is that we look good for our man). And her research revealed that men really do like romance, their definition of it just varies from ours sometimes.

For Women Only is written based on results from a survey Shaunti conducted of hundreds of men. The revelations of the survey astounded her, especially when she found out that they were the very things her husband had always wished she had known about him. After you read For Women Only, you will be thankful that Shaunti felt compelled to share her findings with the rest of us. The seven truths she shares will have a dramatic effect on your relationship with your man. The seven principles will guide you as you seek to better support, respect, and understand the men in your life.

For Women Only combines the wisdom of Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' book Love and Respect, with the sometimes startling truths of Stephen Arterburn's Every Man's Battle, and the wisdom of Dr. Laura's Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, for a wife's complete guidebook to loving and understanding her man.

It's For Women Only...and only every woman should read it.

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

2008-11-06T22:57:00.000-08:00

originally published on ylcf.org, October 2004

I've always known that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach, so when I heard about Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, I was intrigued. I ran across references to it while doing research for an article about being "the woman behind the man." When I read the book a few weeks later, I was surprised to find Dr. Laura expounding upon each of the points in my article. Without ever having read her book (or being married, for that matter), I'd written an article that put The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands in a nutshell. (All my article was missing were Dr. Laura's sometimes rather crass words and illustrations, and the chapter on sex.)

While I was obviously familiar with many of the basic premises in Proper Care and Feeding, Dr. Laura illustrated the principles with unforgettable stories. And then there was the chapter on communication that really hit home for me. Dr. Laura said that we shouldn't treat our man like our girlfriends. He's not for "dumping" on. She quoted a listener named Marla who shared, "Things have been so much happier in our home and our marriage since I've started taking my problems to God first and trying to deal with my own emotions before 'dumping' them on him. He's more willing to hear when I have a problem now...because he isn't bombarded with them constantly." Dr. Laura stated, "You'll be off track more often than not if you constantly imagine that your husband's quiet is a sign of trouble... The truth is that wives generally overwhelm their husbands with communication." She wrote that one of the most difficult concepts for wives to accept is that they should "cut down on the communication as a way to improve it." 'Nough said.

"No emotional outlet is worth damaging my husband's reputation," shared one of Dr. Laura's listeners named Becky. Another named Melissa told how she had begun bragging on her husband whenever her girlfriends started griping about theirs. Melissa said, "As much as men's bellies need to be filled with delicious home-cooked meals, their egoes need to be filled with 'yummy food' as well. I have found that if I speak blessings about my husband, then blessings are what I get in return."

And about guy time, Josh wrote to Dr. Laura explaining, "A woman would do well to understand that an honest, faithful husband who goes on a three-week hunting trip is not telling her he doesn't love her. He just wants to kill something. Nothing more complicated than that." Dr. Laura concluded, "The more you create an atmosphere that shows you appreciate what he does when he's out there, the more he's going to want to be home."

You wives should all read the chapter on sex. I'll just share this one killer quotation: "Sex is to a husband what conversation is to a wife."

Dr. Laura reiterates over and over that a wife's approval is like oxygen to a husband, her disapproval like emasculation. A listener named Bill wrote, "Words are a whisper, but what she does for me is a thunder." And Dr. Laura says, "There are only so many hours in a day and only so much we can put our energies into. We have to make choices. And if you don't pick your husband as #1, that favor will, sadly, be returned."

Dr. Laura sums it all up by saying, "Men rescue, repair, provide, protect. Men don't sit, stew, and rehash. Men are active and proactive. They do that out of love, duty, responsibility, and character. That needs to be respected and appreciated if a woman is to have a happy life married to a good man. A good man is just that--a man. A good man is not a best girlfriend." And as listener Dan added, "A good man is hard to find, not to keep."

"The truth is that when it comes to home and relationships, women rule," states Dr. Laura. "This is a book about how to rule wisely and lovingly."

My article "Farmer's Wife or First Lady" just scratches the surface. I would highly recommend that every women read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.

Related posts:
"Farmer's Wife or First Lady"
Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage (a review)

welcome!

2008-10-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

Thank you, ladies, for all the positive feedback on "Just (for) Married Ladies." I'm going to have to check out your book recommendations. And I'm praying that this blog will somehow fill the void out there with lots of encouragement in loving our husbands.

In the next few months we'll be posting some articles and book reviews that originally appeared on ylcf.org, which more appropriately belong over here. Meanwhile, I'm praying that God will provide new articles for this blog that are just what we, the married ladies of YLCF, need to read.

But just like with the YLCF blog, we will strive more for quality than quantity. You won't find a new blog post here every day, maybe not even every week. But when the latest post does pop up in your RSS feed, I pray it is timely for where you're at in your marriage that day. And when you're surfing the 'net late at night and you see "Just (for) Married Ladies" in your Favorites, I hope it's the reminder you need to get off the computer and go get in bed with your husband. Because no matter how many articles on having a good marriage we read, none of them are going to do us any good unless we put them into practice each and every day and night...

So let's go kiss our husband just because, pick up the house, put his favorite meal on the stove and a smile on our face, maybe even do a chore or two of his, so that we can steal some quiet moments together by candlelight...