Where did THAT come from?

10SNE1 or What's All This Racket?

2011-06-22T08:23:00.003-07:00

I'm a sports FANATIC! I've watched whole Curling matches before - there's just about no sport I won't watch. It's how I'm wired. So, the other day I was watching a little tennis. I've played before. Once. On a date. Ruthie KILLED me.

I used to like to watch tennis back in the day when the there were a few really good players and they would beat up on each other. I saw a documentary on Chris Everett and Martina Navratilova. I remember those days with fondness - two great players trading victories.

So being a cynical old man watching a sport (any sport) my thoughts throughout the match I saw surprised me: 8% of the game is the hitting, volley, and serve portion of the tennis match. The rest of the time is spent pacing, sneering at the other player, angry at yourself (including talking, screaming and smacking), and tight-roping the back line while dribbling the ball before every serve. 1% of the time is spent arguing with officials as to whether the ball hit the line or not (John McEnroe notwithstanding).

When it is all over, both opponents meet and embrace at the net. I suppose this is a defensive move so as to avoid errant knees.

Oh, and the title of this entry is a license plate I saw once: 10 (ten) S (s) NE1 (anyone) - and the 'racket' joke just had to be done. Sometimes I'm powerless to stop the stupidity.

Moving Pictures in Motion

2011-06-13T10:36:00.003-07:00

The other day I was looking for a good movie to watch. I'm unsure how to go about finding a good movie as I think there is a sliding scale - ranging from crappy to epic. This, however, becomes the problem. I've been subjected to several movie rating systems all of which are similar, different, confusing, unrealistic, irrelevant, and frustrating.

Movies are rated in a variety of ways. Seskel and Ebert devised a simple binary system of "thumbs up or thumbs down." This is perhaps the most solid and definitive version of ranking ever. Don't trifle with a sliding scale. This is a see it/don't see it scale. Cut and dried. Straight forward. Aweful.

Rotten Tomatoes uses two "% like" scales - one for critics and one for the community of participants. This one is good, but I find myself placing a threshold on it because it is too vast. So, a 67% liked movie is OK, but a 66%er is right out!

The most common ratings for movies is the star method. 5 stars=10 ratings. Why? Half stars. Why not just have 10 whole stars instead of having to mutilate and sever stars or worse, display stars and then a 1/2 next to it. Its biggest problem in my way of thinking is that it seems non-committal. Is it 2 stars or 3? Oh, 2 1/2 stars? Well, in that case...and I once again set a threshold. Must be more than 2.5 stars for me to enjoy it.

The problem with ANY ranking system is that there is subjectivity and temporal issues. To combat this, I think I'll have to find reviews of a dozen movies or so by a number of critics and see if I agree with them. Once I've vetted my synchro-critic then I can rely on his reviews. And reviews on recent movies should be stamped with an expiration date. Review from 1977: "The special effects in Star Wars are extraordianry." Revised 2011: "The special effects in Star Wars look like paper models were cut out of construction paper and colored with crayon."

I think Dr. Doolittle III is so bad it actually owes me a star.

U4ia

2010-12-30T10:41:00.002-07:00

Elation
Intense and personal
as it overcomes
my being

Swept away
silently filled
with un-containable
joy

I lose control
of emotional surge
and wonder if
I've transformed

Is it pain
or something more
this response
I can't explain

Do I feel it deeper
than others or
am I just like
everyone

The win, the loss
the triumph
the sadness
pounds

It must be a
part of the
human experience
to emote

One chains after the other
one causes a second
one brings response
laughter or tears

Others seem to cope
and contain
forcing me to do
the same

One day all will go
released at once
unable to stop it
I hope I survive

Known Entity

2010-12-03T10:09:00.002-07:00

You know, the words "you know" at the beginning of a sentence give confidence and reassurance to the listener that they will know the information to follow. "You know" at the end of a sentence shines a glaring light of the fact that your inept communication skills were not adequate enough to completely convey your message - requiring the listener to fill in the gaping holes in your thought. You know?

To me, this is a habit more than anything else. I've known people who would say "you know" even after I've given then the reassuring nod that I completely understood what they were saying.

Oh, and one more thing. I'm currently annoyed that there are those who wish to finish my sentences for me, or indeed say the last part of my sentence with me. They are pretending to know what I'm going to say by the end of my sentence so they play along. This causes me to redirect my sentence mid-sentence and try to derail their attempt to say it along with me.

You know who you are. Stop it.

The Spice of Names

2010-12-03T09:59:00.004-07:00

var·i·a·ble
[vair-ee-uh-buhl] Show IPA
–adjective
1. apt or liable to vary or change; changeable: variable weather; variable moods.
2. capable of being varied or changed; alterable: a variable time limit for completion of a book.
3. inconstant; fickle: a variable lover.
4. having much variation or diversity.

Variable means having much variation or diversity. (And by the way, "fickle" is just a good word all around - it should be more widely used.)

I think there should be a variable designation for middle names. Jeff [*variable*] Crandall. I hear things like: "...hard work is my middle name or Danger is my middle name." I do like it that the same person also said that "perseverance" was their middle name.

Variable middle names could be a useful tool. Suppose I were in a job interview. If the employer were looking for someone to head up a division of the company, it would go a long way if my name were Jeff Mastermind Crandall. So, I just fill that in on my resume and viola. I've been positively labeled before I even open my mouth.

What if I used it when introducing myself to a potential date? "Hello, my name is Jeff Fidelity Crandall and I'd like to take you out." or "Hello, I'm Jeff Non-Committal Crandall and I request the honor of your company." or "Hello, I'm Jeff Almost-Trustworthy Crandall, wanna go spelunking?"

Criminals could have the right of their variable middle name removed and society could then require that they have their crime as their middle name. "Hello, I'm Jeff Arsonist Crandall and I would not care for a cigarette right now, thank you."

Interchangeable middle names are cool. Birth certificates can be so rigid.

Titleist

2010-11-22T11:33:00.002-07:00

I enjoy titling things. I love inventing and creating mostly because I get a kick out of what comes out. I realize that I mostly amuse myself. That's OK.

In looking through the titles of the different blog entries, it is clear to me that I enjoy complex portmanteau alliterative inventified double entendre rhyming titles. I have fun with titles even though very few folks will see them - even if they read my blog they will skip the title. The title becomes a placeholder or identifier (even for books and movies) rather than carrying much meaning.

I've created a new hobby: finishing the titles of books that seem to be missing something. Titling is fun if you just call your book "Blind Fury" or "The Anchovy's Psyche" or "Fundamentals of Calculus II"- but some titles seem incomplete. "Of Mice and Men" seems like it should have an ellipse before it. "The Dessert Preferences Of Mice and Men" or "The Genetic Combination Of Mice and Men".

Conversation Translation

2010-11-09T09:31:00.002-07:00

I shun the saying, "the solution to pollution is dilution." This phrase was the answer to the question, "How do we deal with poison in our water supply." The answer is weird, in my mind. But I guess this adage is true. We adopt the same thinking when we allow rat feces and bug parts in "acceptable quantities" to be mixed in our Wheaties or Jif.

My reservation with this situation is that its motivation is an addiction. Frustration with this resolution or conclusion is a preparation for infestation or infection. This determination for sanitation is fiction. Correction and education are the proper preparation for pollution reduction.

As with everything, it is a cost trade-off. We could absolutely avoid pollution for a cost. But the cost is too great. Too much to keep bugs out of our food, poison out of our water or other impurities out of our lives. All COULD be sanitized but the cost would be so astronomical that it is obviously prohibitive.

Finely minced grasshopper adds a certain exotic flavor that we've come to expect - so with entomological removal would come diminishment.

Now to avoid deterioration and dilapidation I need a vacation.

Legalizification

2010-10-18T09:32:00.003-07:00

I've heard many refer to the tags on mattresses and seat cushions and make jokes about the removal of tags that say: UNDER PENALTY OF LAW THIS TAG IS NOT TO BE REMOVED -

My problem is not with the tag, but rather the addition of the trailing phrase, "...EXCEPT BY CONSUMER." It is amusing to me that there was enough confusion in the world as to the legality of removing a tag on a manufactured product that these words had to be added. The fact that they had to add this punctuates the insanity of laws and the heap of garbage it has become. In this ever-litigious society we live in, lawmakers are hair-trigger quick to leap to their feet while loudly exclaiming, "...there aught to be a law!" As the law books and federal registers continue to swell with ever-increasing do's and don'ts we continue to lose liberty. Sad, really.

Every comedian in the '80s made fun of the mattress tag law. It was at that time that we should have instituted a law that for every law that is enacted, two would have to be removed. This would do two things: First, it would thin out the law herd. Most laws are crap anyway. Second, if enacting a law got rid of two laws, it would serve to impose a "cost" to enacting a law. That way, as stupid laws became scarce, good laws would be threatened. There would soon be no more throw-away laws and the price of enacting a law would be too great. Or, if the law were important, it would be deemed worth it. Either way, liberty wins.

Looking for the mattress police to stop by and slap the cuffs on me as a result of yesterday's tag removal "incident."

Violent Vortex

2010-09-20T12:40:00.002-07:00

Certain natural disasters like hurricanes and fires must be ashamed of their actions as they hide their destruction using clouds or smoke. Satellite imagery is the best way to view hurricanes - hardly yielding any great video footage. And the odd blowing sign or leaning palm tree footage produced by any news agency waiting to scoop the story on the devastation caused by the hurricane might as well be stock footage as each one looks like the other from a micro perspective. Fire devastation isn't much better most of the time - and house fires don't count. Large forest fires, while also viewable from space, fail to dazzle.

Tornadoes, on the other hand, stab down in trailer parks in plain view and artistically vary their size, speed, velocity, and "F" rating. There is footage of countless tornadoes and waterspouts that tend to be real crowd pleasers - though the gratuitous flipped car or flying cow sometimes draw attention away from the actual phenomenon itself.

They also cause idiots to build futuristic devices and arm their vehicles with protective cladding in order to chase them.

Insanitation

2010-09-17T10:41:00.003-07:00

I had occasion to go to the dump last weekend. At the dump they have a sign the reads, "No Salvage." Really? Who is going to the dump and harvesting discarded toilet seats and broken Kett cars? (Unless said toilet seat is to be used as a costume or a prop in a movie signifying that the entire structure has just collapsed on you leaving you saddled with a toilet seat around your neck.) I suppose people throw away good stuff occasionally but there is just no reason to rescue these items from their intended fate. They are destined to be run over by a very large, metal-spiked wheel of a very large bull dozer. Leave them to it. Watch and enjoy. Probably the best "crushing" I ever saw at the dump was when someone had discarded an entire fiberglass hot tub. The dozer made light work of that thing I can tell you.

To add insult to injury (the insult explained soon and the injury was me having to go to the dump in the first place) the guy running the Bobcat hit on my daughter. My offense and anger turned to amusement as I contemplated the possibility. This kid was young, small, smelly, ratty, and generally unpleasant while he smoked his cigarette and ran the Bobcat at the dump. I'm quite sure my daughter has better taste in men than that. On the other hand, he had a job...

Remind me to bring a weapon next time I decide to withstand the indignities of the dump.

Of Mice and Elf

2010-09-16T12:35:00.004-07:00

I'll never forget the first time I read the liner notes of the LP containing the song Thank You (falettin me be mice elf again) - the popular Sly and the Family Stone song. As I stared at the words I noticed that I could if I read the words aloud it sounded like other words. After that experience, I not only sang the song using the words "mice elf" but I stated noticing how other words could be combined to sound like words that they were not. In high school, I ran across the following Little Red Riding Hood "story":

Wants pawn term dare worsted ladle gull hoe lift wetter murder inner cordage honor itch offer lodge, dock florist. Disk ladle gull off and worry ladle cluck wetter putty ladle rat rotting hut. Wan moaning, ladle rat rotting huts murder colder inset: ladle rat rotting hut, heresy ladle basking wetter ladle kegs end shirker cockles. Tick disk ladle basking tudor cordage offer groin murder, hoe lifts honor udder site offer florist.

(There is a board game based on this concept.)

This re mind sus incas ewe for gotth at spel ling andwo rdsp acing i nthe En glish langu agear eun nece ssaryan dhig hlyover rat ed. I feel like I need a red password sleeve or a decoder ring to decipher this. Dri nkmo reO valt ine.

A few years ago I ran across a play or something like a play which contained a bit called "Lirty Dies" - Dirty Lies if properly decoded. So, being a web-searcher, I looked for something similar online. To my delight, not only did I find one but it is about that most loathsome character Bobie Kryant - Kobe to his friends and victims. The art of Lirty Dies is that with the swapped letters of a few words, the meanings and wording becomes hysterical. I will post the whole thing here - used without permission. Its title is "Lirty Dies: Falicornia"

Here it is. ENJOY. If you have trouble, read it aloud. That adds to the amusement.

LET ME STELL YOU the tory of the ho proopster.
That kig bahuna of the casketball bort: BOBIE KRYANT.

Bobie is quo sick, he can grab an ass with his pies closed.
You tirst-fimers, just whip your flurds, and you'll figure it out.
Bobie makes billions and billions of mucks.
He is getting laid a pot.
Bobie says he's a sponogamous mouse.
If he's a sponagamous mouse, then I'm a nudist bun.
Lemme be his cort-spaster.
Bobie swoots! Shish! It's a pee-throinter!
Bobie finds a sweet hot, and takes it to the spouse!
And gets a fecknical towel!
Bobie libbles down the drain for a damn slunk.
And nacks his wee.
See head, "I need a sary good virgin."
He found one, in the Rolorado Cockies.
In a boo-tit hun-worse thistle-wop. The ittle town of Legal.
Nate one light, Bobie called a clotel herk.
You know, the beanie-topper you've seen all over the neb and the interwet.
See head, "Hey, bunny-honey, cheese bring me a pleaseburger."
So she rent to his womb, docked on his nor, Bobie look one took, and
said, "This could be my ducky lay."
His dipper went zoun. and she servicely nervoused him.
Hut wappened? Noo hose?!
See shed, "Bobie is gotally tilty, a falicious melon, a lelonious faker."
See head he's blot to name, he didn't lake any bra.
Now, every eagle beagle is in Legal.
Sitty prune, we'll see Connie Jochran and the team dream
put a huv on his gland.
"If it doesn't quit, you must a-fit."
All the quakers are laking.
Tragic thinks it's magic.
Tack is having a heart-a-shack.
And Nack Jicholson is having a fissy hit in the runt frow.
So set get for the sile of the trentury. Legal vs. Ah-Ah-Land.
The sale of two titties.
AND WHERE DOES BOBIE spay his plorts?
The state great of Falicornia.
What a plupid stucocracy.
Fallicornia. From the Bolden Gate to the Gay Bridge.
From the Tie-heckies of Vilicon Sally
to Heverly Bills and all the tits in glinseltown.
What a nunch of butts.
It all began when Day Gravis farted stumbling.
All those Falicornians wanted to sing him out of Flacramento.
And who gan for rovernor?
Everybody from Flarry Lint to Meetwood Flack and the Boobie Drothers.
Who was the wig binner? SCHWARNOLD ORTZENEGGER. Bonan the Carbarian.
When Schwarnold was yister mooniverse, he was yandsome and hung.
He was a pisky little fruppy.
Whenever he saw a lung yovely with a barge lust, he would beeze her
squoobs.
What a pale mauvinist chig.
I wonder how he'll tend his sperm.
Schwarnold needs a new gootenant lovenor.
Another fich and ramous stuvie mar.
Someone with my horals.
JIKAL MAXON.
Jikal thinks he's the ping of cop.
If he's the ping of cop, then I'm the yuke of dork.
Jikal is a dancy fancer, a woon malker, and a jacked out wackass.
Wacko is Jacko!
Once, Jikal Maxon was a Saxon, but now he's an Anglo-Jackson.
He's neither blight nor wack.
One day, when Jikal was being a dad bad, somebody fook a toto.
They fook a toto of Jikal bangling a daby.
What a thupid sting to do.
What a wit-nit.
That sleep has been having creepovers.
Now he's in trig bubble.
The long arm of the straw put him in the senal pystem.
His hutt could be in the boozegow.
But Jikal doesn't need a perm in the tokey.
Jikal needs Borena Lobbitt.
She'd thack off his wingie, and whoa it in the throods.
That'd be the end of his bingamathob.
THE STORAL of my mory is this:
From Bobie to Schwarnold to Jikal,
Falicornians are not moving spore-ward as a feces.

Heh. He said feces.

Currently - a form of Right Now

2010-09-15T13:39:00.002-07:00

I've detected a phrase in human communication that denotes temporariness with a nebulous expectation of change. It is the phrase "Right now..." followed by the answer to a question.

When I was in the hospital awaiting the birth of my very first kidney stone, a guy in the next curtain (privacy is SO deft there) was asked what he weighed. He gave the signaling pause and then said, "Right now I weigh 230 but..." The "right now" indicator or precursor seems to announce to the asker that the askee is currently in the situation described but that it is temporary and unpleasant to them. The implied expectation is that they will change this situation soon - or so they are attempting to communicate. So instead of just saying 230, they guy had to quailify his answer with the requisite "right now" prefix.

Listen for this. We all do it subconsciously. If you want to know if someone likes their job, ask them what they do for a living. If they say, "...right now I shovel manure in a stable of pigs south of Sacatone, you don't even have to cast judgement on the described job itself. Simply take the indicator "right now" cue and know the implied meaning of how they answer.

Who are you dating? "Right now I'm dating Jennifer..."

Where do you work? "Right now I work at Basha's..."

What sex are you? "Right now I'm male."

Gnutella-pathic

2010-09-02T10:20:00.002-07:00

I eagerly anticipate the day when the human mind will be decoded and its images can be projected on a TV. Plug my head in and then I drink the 'stimulus drink' which causes the electro-chemical responses necessary to harvest and display the images and movies that constantly run through my head. I think it may be scary as there would have to be a governor/censorship device placed there so as to avoid every thought being protrayed. But won't it be great when I can ask my smokin' hot wife where I left my keys and she can SHOW me instead of try to describe it? Absolute Nirvana.

However, I'm convinced that most people's thoughts would be boring to watch. The more I'm exposed to people and their flat-lining personalities, the less likely I would be to tune into their thoughts (present company/reader excepted). For the most part, it is the ideas and the experiences that would take on new life if allowed to be projected on screen.

I want to see blind people's thoughts. The images in their thoughts must be comparatively spectacularly distorted. Imagine what a tree "looks like" to them. Then imagine something complex like 7-layer dip. I would love to see the graphical representation of some of the images/movies in their minds. That display would be intense and otherworldly.

Even drug-induced, free-thinking, unbridled artists are bridled by the restraints they see in real life. Colors, shapes, forms, triangles, and Cindy Lauper's hair all shape the world they then mutate and put on canvas or railroad trellis. Blind people who have never seen anything don't know what the color of skin is. It is skin colored. Tan. Brown. Black. Red. These are all indescribable and therefore unreproducible.

Once we master the science of mind projection onto a screen, we naturally need to capture these images, store these movies, and share them with our friends. "So, how was it meeting John Cleese for the first time, Mike?" to which Mike responds, "...download this memory and take a look - it was awesome!"

Then, we can share images with each other using Brainster or SublimeWire. That's right, share and share alike.

Who can I turn to?

2010-08-18T13:13:00.003-07:00

It's time for everyone's favorite parlor game, Nomberguessin. I think it's Swedish. Here are today's puzzles:

7 - dotw (days of the week)
365-diay (days in a year)
88-pk (piano keys)
50-wtlyl (ways to leave your lover)
9-iiabbg (innings in a baseball game)
93,000,000 - mtts (miles to the sun)
8675309 - jn (Jenny's number)
16 - pn (penny nail)
10 - yfafd (yards for a first down)
26 - miam (miles in a marathon)
23 - MJjn (Michael Jordan's jersey number)
762 - chrr (career home run record)
1001 - AN (Arabian Nights)
101 - d (Dalmatians)
12 - am (Angry Men)
52 - wiay (weeks in a year)
7 bf 7 b (brides for brothers
7 - ds (deadly sins)
24 - hiad (hours in a day) or (hours in Jack Bauer's day)
5280 - fiam (feet in a mile)
6.02×10^23 - An (Avagadro's number)
23 - eitlito (entries in this list including this one)
5 - s (senses)

I got your number. Wasn't that fun?

Animeasurement

2010-08-17T14:00:00.003-07:00

My friend calls the non-metric system (Standard System or American System) "stupid" - as in, "that's 45 degrees Celsius, or 113 stupid." I agree, though I would argue that living for a prolonged period in 45 degree heat is stupid. Immersion in the metric system is the answer. Everyone would be confused for a few weeks and then we would all get over it. Hey, I'm ready to sign up for 25 cm.

And why is it we adopted middle-endian form (MM/DD/YYYY) for date display? My preference would be big endian form (YYYY/MM/DD) because sorting would be easier but most other countries use little-endian form (DD/MM/YYYY) - a shortened version of "The 17th of August, 2010." We should use the Julian Date (2455426) but I'm sure we'd just end up abbreviating it to '26' for today. Seems like a metric day, though.

If we're so resistant to adopting these conventional weights and measures, maybe it is time we created our own - of course based on Disneyland. I propose:

Measurement
Units of distance and measurement: Mickey (span between ears), tram (length of parking lot tram), Matterhorn (length of line around Matterhorn)

Usage: The Packers take possession of the football, first and tram, with two wide-outs and and empty backfield.

Fluid
Units of measure: Thimble, jug, river, lagoon (taken from Pirates of the Caribbean)

Usage: Gas has reached $2.13 per jug and continues to rise - I hope the rivers of oil dumped into the Gulf of Mexico don't impact our prices any more...

Weight
Units of measure: Tarzan, Tink, Pan, Cinder, Baloo, Beast (based on the weight of the costumes of each of these characters)

Usage: The prize-fighters from the welterweight class (13 baloos to 17 baloos) snarled at each other during pre-fight weigh-in Tuesday. They each seem like they are ready to take out their tink of flesh.

The best part of these measurements is that they aren't exact - leaving room for the flexibility and interpretation freedom we expect.

Use the Fours

2010-08-16T14:32:00.006-07:00

I may be over-reacting, but I think it is unfair that Darth Vader is able to choke a guy out with his mind/force power - especially for a minor infraction. I really think the ability to injure someone just thinking about it would be a hazardous superpower regardless. I think if this force were real there should be a price paid for its use.

For example, not everyone has the force and those who do think twice about using it because for every use it shaves time off your life. Here is the schedule:

Life Tax Table

Life tax = amount off ones life as payment for use of the force:

Picking up an object just out of reach: 1 month life tax
Communicating with life forces on other planets: Variable life tax based on distance
Choking some guy out who 'fails' you: 1 year life tax
Knowing where to shoot to blow up Death Star: 1 day life tax
Forcing slow car in front of you out of your lane: 7 seconds life tax
Giving Brittany Spears laryngitis: 1 day life tax credit

This is an abbreviated list of course. A complete schedule of the Life Tax Table should be developed and given to each person with the force so they can make informed decisions when using the force as they see fit. Complete disclosure allows the force user to determine the importance of force use as compared to life left. By the way, use of the force into deficit or "into the red" will result in instant death. Therefore, terminal force-using cancer patients can use the force willie nillie for every whim - the worst that can happen is the tax takes their life. No big deal. (Unless, of course, they roll the dice and use the force to cure their cancer, in which case the use tax will take its toll but may extend life as well - the timing is critical in this case).

As a management style using the force seems a little extreme. But if there are two guys facing each other in conflict, it seems unbalanced if one of them is able to randomly kick your butt with his mind.

I wonder if Darth Vador has the same power with other species, "You have pooped on my carpet for the last time..."

Shoe Fits

2010-08-13T10:58:00.003-07:00

I think shoes are society's retribution for women. For all the stuff they get, have, want, and are that we have to endure, society gives back a little guff. My smokin' hot wife is no Emelda Marcos so she is neither a Filipino politician nor does she have 2700 pairs of shoes. Her nickname is also 'smokin' hot wife', not "Steel Butterfly or Iron Butterfly."

However, if one were to look at her collection (my smokin' hot wife's shoe collection, not Imelda's - though I'm confident that Imelda's collection would resemble on a grand scale what my smokin' hot wife's collection represents in microcosm) and evaluates the number, complexity, style, task, use, storage requirement, utility, similarity, color (some actually dyed to match a dress for Pete's sake) and discomfort of nearly all her shoes one can only arrive at that punitive conclusion.

I, of course, am the afore mentioned "one" or possibly Pete.

I Got Some Reality on Me

2010-08-12T13:40:00.002-07:00

Collateral damage is defined as damage that is unintended or incidental to the intended outcome. I define collateral damage as the unintended effect the TV show "The Bachelor" has on me as an innocent bystander passing through the family room while that corrosive piece of garbage program is on. Remind me to secure my pocket barf-bag for incidental "The Bachelor" dialog contact.

My girls love this show - along with other reality shows like Dancing with the Stars and others. While they have every right to be entertained by this dookie, I find it unwatchable, uninspiring, and un-everything else. It is truly disappointing that we vote for these shows with our eyes and make room for their content in our brains.

I'm dumber for knowing about them let alone having tangential contact.

One Step, Two Step, Red Step, Blue Step

2010-08-10T15:06:00.003-07:00

Dancing. Disciplined wiggling. I used to love to go to dances when I was a kid. I'm sure I wan't much of a dancer but that didn't matter much to me. I THOUGHT I was good and that was enough. A few years ago a friend of mine was performing in a park in San Diego (Nenyi - Native Vibe) and we ended up dancing and really having a great time. I remember at that time thinking that I must like dancing yet I never sought it out. My smokin' hot wife doesn't dance either - nor does she like it - nor does she think of doing it. We're compatible in SOOOOO many ways.

I've seen good dancers and bad dancers. I fit into the category non-dancer. I can effectively do the "Whiteman's Overbite" dance and the "Air Guitar" dance. I have the secret weapon I call the "Embarrassing Daddy" dance. I bust this move once in a while to refresh the threat of its continued use.

When my daughters dance it is heaven to me. When most anyone else dances around me I feel a little queasy. But when my girls dance - and I think they have actual skills, not just being seen through rose-colored daddy glasses - I am moved. They have such grace, athletic ability, and natural talent (and in some cases, formal training) that gives me joy. The technical aspects of dancing become meaning less under these circumstances. I think they are the best in the world. I love them to death. The boy too, by the way.

I think dancing rituals should be reinstated - as long as they are performed by my daughters and I can view them from the comfort of my recliner.

Melodic Juice

2010-08-09T09:21:00.003-07:00

Sadly, I realized that I have entirely too little Jew's harp (unfortunately antisemitic), jaw harp, mouth harp, Ozark harp, trump or juice harp in my life. Wikipedia sez it is "a lamellophone, which is in the category of plucked idiophones: it has a flexible metal tongue attached to a frame...placed in the performer's mouth and plucked with the finger to produce a note."

Me? I wonder why note was not in quotes in the Wikipedia article?

I enjoy a good Jew's harp as much as the next guy - and it has a unique sound. So does a didgeridoo (From Wikipedia: The didgeridoo - also known as a didjeridu or didge - is a wind instrument developed by Indigenous Australians of northern Australia at least 1,500 years ago and is still in widespread usage today both in Australia and around the world.) by the way - I just don't have CD's full of this sort of music.

A void in my life? I think so. Avoid in my life? Nope - what would the washboard players and jug band members do for employment? I'm afraid I'm going to have to support this "art" form.

Now there's a proper use of quotes.

You're in Luck

2010-08-06T14:07:00.002-07:00

There's insect repellent (and separate mosquito repellent), cat repellent, dog repellent, deer repellent, rabbit repellent, bird repellent (scarecrow?), and even shark repellent. I've decided that I want to be enough of a nuisance that they have to create a "repellent" for me. Turns out there is already a Jeff repellent. It's called "chick flick".

I am horrified to find out that there is a website selling pee as a repellent. You can buy squirt bottles of CoyoteePee, BobcatPee, FoxPee, etc. neatly packaged to allow the user to squirt an area to chase away pests. Have a question about pee? Well, ask the PeeMan.

The following are questions I would ask the PeeMan in no particular order:

1. How do you harvest the pee?
2. Who buys the pee you sell?
3. I understand the liquid, but how do the animals product "granuals"?
4. Is this where you thought you would be when you did your 7th grade career project?
5. Threatening pee I get (CougarPee, etc.), but how is PigPee and ChipmunkPee used?
6. More of a note than a question: Thanks for providing an answer for the iguana problem.

Sincerely,

Very Curious in Phoenix

www.predatorpee.com

Emoti-Con

2010-08-05T09:31:00.002-07:00

Cynical Simon Sez: The phrases "...you make me laugh" and "...you're gonna make my cry" are clever devices intended to avoid actual emotional response. In some cases, these phrases are used in lieu of an actual response. "This is a rouse. This is only a rouse. If this had been an actual emotional response, the Attention Phrase you just heard would have been followed by official emotional response such as laughter or crying. This is only a rouse."

Using these phrases allows the user to give the illusion that they want to laugh or cry without actually having to produce. The user can simply say that they felt compelled to cry in response to the words or actions of another but really the feelings backing the words are vacant. No actual emotional response was generated but somehow the phrase-user feels compelled to socially handle the situation by falsely claiming a response. The recipient is placated by a sense that what they said or did was meaningful to or funny to the phrase-user thus causing an emotional reaction.

The recipient receives a false emotional response disguised as real. The user feels nothing - but that fact is hidden.

This is why it is good to be a replicant.

You Rucky

2010-08-04T09:10:00.002-07:00

I periodically determine that changing my name may be more advantageous. Names seem to carry too much weight. And everyone plays the 'Name Game' way too often to start another one here. However, it I benefit from a name change, what's to stop me from giving it a go? Apart from being taught my whole life to be proud of my name and to live up to my name, why would I keep it? I've grown far too attached to my name to ever let it go but it may be time to reconsider...

Today, I've decided to change my name to Jeff Luck. All too often I hear people say, "...as Luck would have it." I'm just trying to cash in on this. I envision a Utopian society where everyone falls all over themselves to provide for me as "I would have it." Imagine an entire society dedicated to making sure my preferences are satisfied. I would not wield my new-found name-power unwisely. I'd just do little things like make my iPhone work on Verizon's network and make great-tasting foods healthy.

There is a down side: I'd be blamed all too often for desertion "...her Luck ran out."

Book Him and Him and Him

2010-08-03T11:42:00.002-07:00

I think if I were a senator (and by the way, the notion of this is absolutely ludicrous as I have no political aspirations and don't really like most politicians or what they stand for or what they roll over for or what they do or what they say or what they lie about or what they think we want or what they think we want to hear) and I didn't like someone (as if it were possible for me to dislike someone - I'm mostly unable to find disdain for others and have been cursed/blessed with a great love for everyone which can tend to cause problems especially for those around me who don't like everyone and crave their companionship like I do) I would introduce a bill making it illegal to be that person.

Example: If I didn't like Justin Nutherhater, I would introduce legislation making it against the law to be Justin. Attempts to change names or identification would be futile as the law would be air-tight on these points. Even if that someone were to, say, change their name to an unpronounceable symbol they would still be covered under the anti-themselves law. I guess to be an effective law it would have to be named something generic like "The Best Friends Legislation".

I could take it a step beyond and also make it illegal to be Justin's friend or sell him anything. Anyone caught providing assistance, support, encouragement, or friendship to Justin would be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Then I could just sit back and let the cops do my dirty work for me.

I'm quite certain I'll be elected based on this platform alone.

Cain't Tuch Dis

2010-08-02T14:38:00.003-07:00

I have long been fascinated with optical illusions. There are so many ways to fool vision it is nearly impossible to list all of them. However, the Internet has tried. The Internet is awash, replete, jammed, brimming, teeming, overflowing with optical illusion images. With so many ways to fool the eye, it is a wonder why the Mabel-Factor-Revlang make-up faction hasn't patented some of these illusions to scam the rest of us into thinking those users of Mabel-Factor-Revlang products look different than they appear to us.

This got me thinking about the other four senses. I've been tactilely fooled before - once at EPCOT Center I felt a series of tubes next to each other. They all had water running through them. Warm in the first tube, cool in the second, etc. When felt independently, each one's temperature felt mild, but collectively, the warm felt very hot and the cool felt cold.

Although this illusion is rare (making hot feel cold or hard feel soft), I think there are comparatively fewer auditory, olfactory, or gustatory illusions to be found on the web. It is common that people "hear something" when they really didn't but I'm not referring to mis-heard or mis-tasted experiences. I'm referring to one sound that should be identifiable as one thing but is indeed another - not unlike the sweet sound of my smokin' hot wife's voice which sounds like a combination of unrelated elements.

I think the lack of these illusions will ultimately result in the demise of the Internet as we know it - that or we will all just grow tired of it one day...