Marty Simpson: The Arm-Chair Place-Kicker (And Comedian)

My Daughter, the Unlikely Pageant Girl...

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Wed, 28 Jan 2015 05:28:00 +0000

If you only watch the video of the pageant you won't quite understand why Savannah is so emotional. She would probably not agree 100% with my explanation below about what exactly caused her to be so emotional, but I am confident what I describe below played a pretty large part in it. So I suggest you read the entire article before watching the video, but it's the internet, so do whatever you want to do.

So my daughter wanted to enter the 2015 Miss Blythewood High School Pageant. This came as a pretty huge shock to me as a her dad, because she had never been the type of girl that I would describe as a "pageant girl." She was sassy, attractive, athletic, and really girly in the playful sense, but not in the traditional sense, if that even makes sense? What I mean is basically, she can rock a hair bow and look really pretty while simultaneously batting over .500 on the JV Softball team, and she doesn't own a dress but she loves fashion. Can you picture what I'm talking about?

Not really a "Pageant Girl..."

Well in 7th and 8th grade she had planned to be in her middle school's "Talent Show" rapping and doing the worm. She had been selected through the audition process both years, and both years had to back out at the last minute because a rained out softball game was being made-up on the night of the "Talent Show." (We are not pyscho-sports-parents so we were fine with her missing a practice to participate in the "Talent Show," but even she didn't want to miss an actual game.) So both years she was pretty bummed about missing her chance to rap (and do the worm.)

Savannah's back - Before and After

Over the summer after her 8th grade year she was scheduled to have scoliosis corrective surgery. This was a HUGE ordeal. It would turn out to be a 9-hour surgery and she had 13 vertebrae fused to two titanium rods in her back. Recovery time before she could even swing a bat again would be six to eight months. She was an amazing patient and came through with flying colors. She was in the hospital bed for five days and then in her bed for three weeks. Movement came back slowly but surely and steadily she got "sort of" back to normal. She gained an inch and a half of height through the surgery.

One of the main things Savannah was so upset about having the surgery was not the long recovery or the idea that her back muscles would literally be cut in half to perform the surgery, but that she was told by the doctor that because of the titanium rods in her back she would never be able to do the "worm" again. It was this news that gave Savannah the most angst. The doctor said she had too many vertebrae fused and that she wouldn't have the flexibility to do it.

This hit Savannah pretty hard. Harder than I thought it would honestly. When she teared up upon the doctors words, at first I chalked it up to an emotional 14-year-old girl just being sad about having major surgery, but over time I realized she was very serious about a specific regret concerning the specific inability to perform the worm. It was like in her mind doing the worm represented her childhood freedom. It's hard to put in words but her regret about it was palpable.

Savannah was determined to prove all of this wrong. So having a strong-willed child when she's a young little girl can be exhausting at times but as she grows up into the wonderful young lady she's steadily becoming that same strong will served her well.

9th grade rolled around. She attended every voluntary softball work-out that was on the schedule even though she could literally only sit on a bucket and watch the other girls as she occasionally ran an errand for the new coach. Five months went by and the doctor finally told her she could start throwing a little. Then an announcement in school was made that any girl interested in performing in the Miss Blythewood Pageant needed to audition that week.

Savannah came home excited and asked if she could do it. My wife and I said, "Of course." Thirty girls or more auditioned and only ten of them were selected to compete in the Miss Grand Talent portion of the pageant. Oddly enough, not every girl in the Miss Blythewood Pageant performs in the "talent" portion of the competition. (Don't ask, I don't know the reasoning.) So Savannah would finally get her chance to rap in front of her classmates. She was thrilled. When she told her softball coach, the coach immediately started calling her, "Pageant Girl."

Well in mid-December we went to the doctor and he told her because of her x-rays and her physical recovery and flexibility he was lifting all restrictions on her athletically. She could finally practice full speed. She was ecstatic! Of course, she didn't realize what this actually meant. It meant going to practice with a weakened back and arm muscles from the major surgery and not being able to throw but about fifty percent as well as she could just six months earlier. It also meant she could barely swing a bat at first. This was another blow to her morale.

But then it happened. She and I were goofing around and she said, "Dr. Piehl said no athletic restrictions, right?"

And I responded, "Yes, that's right."

Then she said, "I wonder if I can do the worm?"

And I said, "Let's not find out."

I was picturing the $209,000 bill from the hospital that the insurance paid all but $3,000 of, but she was picturing the Miss Blythewood Pageant! Well three days later she came running down the stairs screaming about how she could still do the worm! We were all very happy.

Then we had the conversation about how she wanted to write her bio a little differently from everyone else. She said everyone just usually lists a bunch of accomplishments and in her mind it just seemed a little boring. She wrote her bio (exactly the way you see it in the video) and showed it to me and asked, "Dad, what do you think of this?"

I read it and said, "I love it. I think it's you all the way, honey. And rule one is if you're being authentic to yourself, then any decision you make like this is the right one."

And I've learned one thing about my daughter. She is never going to be afraid to be herself. We as a family are just so blessed that her true self is such a beautiful kid on the inside.

Maybe I didn't think of my little girl as a "Pageant Girl" but it turns out the judges of the Miss Blythewood Pageant disagreed. One of those judges was Miss South Carolina 2014, so I guess she knows more about "Pageant Girls" than I do! Oh and one last thing. You can follow my daughter on Instagram at www.instagram.com/savvysonny22 or on Twitter at www.twitter.com/savvysonny22.

EPILOGUE

Below is a video of Savannah "being herself" in the Pageant during the "Question and Answer" portion of the competition. The instructions were for the girls to wear an outfit that reflected something about your personality. As you can see, Savannah has no problem being herself.

And one more interesting video of Savannah impromptu rapping a little in the 7th grade at a softball tournament when the song comes over the loud speakers. This is two years before the Miss Blythewood Pageant.

A Little Perspective on Performing...

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 19:34:00 +0000

The following is Marty Simpson's perspective on performing.

A few years ago I struggled with how to "break into" doing comedy for a living. I was very concerned and motivated to figure out a way to increase my performance fee and book as many gigs as possible in order to make a living doing comedy. At some point around three years ago I let all of that go and started focusing on a simple principle. I decided I would work on "being a blessing" instead of searching for one.

So that is how I have continued for the past three years and it has brought me great joy. There are many stories I could relate via a blog but none have been as encouraging as the one that happened this past week in a small town named Lancaster, South Carolina, just south of the larger metropolis of Charlotte, North Carolina.

As a comedian, I have this little cynical voice in my head whenever I'm driving to a small-town gig which predicts how well the show will go based on how far off the interstate the show actually is. The farther off the interstate, typically the tougher the crowd. This show was 40 miles from the interstate exit.

I went in with very low expectations, but a little whisper in my ear reminded me as I walked through the gravel parking lot into the venue, "Be the blessing tonight, don't worry about receiving one." So I calmly prayed to God to use my comedy to help bless the people in the audience tonight, and I meant it.

As I sat for dinner pre-show with the pastor of this little church he relayed story after story of the things that God was doing through and to this church. Dozens of his people came over and discussed things with him that let me know this little ministry was full of good folks. I started to get more and more optimistic about this show the longer I spent time with these people.

The show was great. It was a perfect storm of snappy customized crowd work for a spirit filled crowd who was ready to receive it matched with my normal material which was just perfect for this particular crowd. I had a blast. It truly was a great experience for me and I felt blessed by the crowd.

Then after the show as people came to my merch-table to talk and what not, it happened. Faye Putnam gave me what I think is probably the best word of encouragement I have ever received as a comedian. She very calmly stated that her husband had passed away just one month earlier and that he loved stand-up comedy.

Then she said,

I lost my husband on December 20, 2013 and he would have so enjoyed your show. My husband had a funny laugh and during your show, the entire night, I could hear my him laughing so hard that I could see him rolling in the floor. Marty that did my heart a world of good and made me feel like myself again. Thank you so much.

And here I was just two hours earlier thinking since I drove 37 miles on a two-lane road that the show tonight wasn't going to go well. Shame on me.

In the comedy world we use terms about how well we did that are violent. Usually the more violent the better in terms of laughter. So to say someone is "destroying the room" or "he murdered that crowd" would mean the comic was doing really well. "Killing" is another common way to describe doing well in comedy.

So the irony here is I was able to do the opposite of what we would typically describe this show as. I indeed "killed." But this show was such a blessing to one woman that she was able to envision her husband, who recently passed away, actually AT THE SHOW and enjoying himself. To hear that from Mrs. Putnam was truly a blessing to me.

So, by concentrating on bringing the blessing with me, instead of searching for MY blessing, God was able to use my comedy to bless me anyway. That makes me happy.

Marty Simpson :: Comedian & Master Storyteller

Christian Comedian, Thor Ramsey (Bananas, Thou Shalt Laugh) said after seeing Marty perform,

I haven't laughed that hard since I saw Brian Regan the very first time.

See Marty Simpson's full bio page here.

The New "Marty Simpson Signature Series" of Under Armour Shirts

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 15:00:00 +0000

Check out my latest product. It's my very own series of Under Armour shirts. They are in all the bookstores, and at Jewelry Warehouse. I know my signature is a little bit hard to read, but if you look closely you should be able to make out the M a r t y S i m p s o n.

I know what you're all thinking. How did Marty get his own autographed series of Under Armour shirts? Well it's really simple. Just have an autograph that is fancy-smancy enough to be mistaken for Steve Spurrier's autograph... that's how.

The Price of Greatness...

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 15:30:00 +0000

Recently, my 10 year old son, Walt, performed in his school's talent show, "Aviator Idol." (Named that way because his school is the "Round Top Aviators, - Where Learning Takes Flight.") For the show, he decided he wanted to rap Vanilla Ice's, "Ice Ice Baby," so I said, "sure."

At some point during his hours of practicing he said to me,

You know what would be really cool, Dad? If when I said, 'turn off the lights and I'll glow,' the lights went off and I had cool glow sticks stuck on me and I really glowed.

I immediately said,

I will make this happen.

I realize the rest of this story might make me sound like a "stage dad" who lives vicariously through his son, and to that I say you're missing the big picture. The big picture is that I'm a stage-dad who lives vicariously through his son AND daughter, but this story is only about my son.

I suggest watching the performance before continuing to read the rest of this as the remainder references many things in the actual video.

I wanted to write about this to let other parents out there know how much work is involved in a simple thing like creating a show-stopping performance at your 10 year old's elementary school talent show. Yes, that's why I'm writing this. As a service to other parents. Not to brag about my child's accomplishments... not at all. (But did you watch the video above?)

There are many moving parts in this equation. Some of them are outlined below, then elaborated upon below that. You may think these seem far fetched or ridiculous, but to that I say, each point below represents a few loose coins in a change purse, that when totaled, equals the price of greatness.

Some of the things that were orchestrated by Walt and me, in no particular order were:

Download the karaoke track
Remove all references to sex, drugs, alcohol, and guns.
Re-write lines that couldn't be edited out because of the song's structure.
Memorize lyrics.
Find great glow sticks.
Tape the glow sticks to Walt in a strategic, artistically cool way.
Choreograph dance steps to accentuate the glowing.
Make sure the auditorium could be blacked out all the way so the glowing effect would look amazing.
Make sure the light board operator was savvy enough to make the black-out happen at the right times.
Make sure we got it well videotaped so I could blog about it afterwards.
Go to the doctor and get a prednisone the morning of the show because Walt had a seal-bark cough and couldn't talk at 7:00 am.
Force Walt to take the most disgusting tasting prednisone in the world and watch him writhe in agony as he swallowed it in the McDonalds parking lot.
Watch Walt shove four McNuggets in his mouth at once to chase the prednisone.
Buy herbal tea and honey to sooth his throat all day while we played PS3 with each other instead of going to school.
Prioritize the talent show ahead of the school day so his voice would get the rest it needed to be able to perform, but still get a doctor's excuse.

If Round Top Elementary administrators are reading this blog, then I'm only kidding about those last two. (Also my wife had nothing to do with it either way... she had already gone to work before anything was decided.) If you are not from the administration of Round Top, then those last two are true.

There are other steps but this is a good start. If the above list seems too daunting for you, then just realize the following truth: Even if your kid is the most talented, he may never get the show-stopping moment he deserves. It takes more than just talent. It takes a border-line psychotic parent to be there along the way. From the look of the overall show, I would say there were definitely some other border-line psychotic parents out there because many of the acts were outstanding!

Below are some of the above bullet points with longer explanations.

Download Karaoke Track
I am a huge fan of www.karaoke-version.com. The reason I like this site so much is they allow you to download multiple versions of your track. I downloaded three versions. One with all the instruments and vocals, one with all the instruments and only the back-up vocals, and then one with only the instruments. That way I could create one version for Walt's iPod so he could start memorizing it with the lead vocals, but I also had the freedom to edit verse lengths and chorus structures so we could remove the bad lyrics.

The editing of the multiple karaoke tracks necessary for rehearsal and performance probably took three hours. You might say, "Marty, that's crazy." To that I say, "It's a small price to pay for greatness."

Remove All References to Bad Stuff
"Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis," just didn't seem appropriate for this elementary school performance, so we needed to change that. Also the second verse is full of "gunshots, ranged out like a bell, I grabbed my nine, all I heard was shells (grammar error in lyric, not my writing) falling on the concrete real fast, jumped in the car, slammed on the gas."

So I told Walt, we had to remove any reference to gun violence and barely dressed women. He was fine with that. That's why we cut right to the chorus after "Beachfront Avenue!"

Re-Write Some Lines
At the end of the song we couldn't just cut two lines as it would create awkwardness in the run to the last chorus. The original lines use a swear word and a strong reference to drugs. "Other D.J.'s say, D***! If my rhymes were a drug I'd sell'em by the gram!"

These lines became "Other D.J.'s say, Wow! My rhymes are so good all the people will Bow!" Which Walt wrote himself.

We also changed the last line which reads, "Magnitized by the mic while I kick my juice," to "Magnetized by the mic, while I drink orange juice," because, honestly, I didn't know what "kick my juice" meant, but it just sounded bad enough to warrant the change.

You may say, "Marty, all this editing is so much work and trouble," to which I say, "It's a small price to pay for greatness."

Find Great Glow Sticks
This was easier than I thought. Wal-mart. Total glow stick budget including the ones used at rehearsals... $6.23. Seriously. I used the self-checkout lines to avoid the anxiety attack which is induced by interacting with any employee at Wal-Mart.

Tape the Glow Sticks to Him
This was easy too, but only because I own Gaffer's Tape. Gaff tape is so awesome for clothing because it doesn't leave that nasty residue all over you like duct tape does.

As for the design of the deal, we just stood in front of the mirror and taped them on one at a time trying to make it look like Tron pretty much. We had cracked a few the day before at rehearsal and had confidence that after they were cracked they would glow for at least six hours. This was an important part of the research. Also, in hindsight, Walt wishes he wore a black shirt instead of the white shirt. In our small bathroom the white shirt didn't show up in the pictures as seen below. But on stage the white shirt did show up. Oh well... no one's perfect.

The Most Important Piece in the Puzzle: The Light Board Operator
Instead of finding out if the light board operator was savvy enough to pull this off, I decided to go a different route. I volunteered to run the light board myself for the entire show. When I was a coach and teacher I never liked parents who brought me problems and then expected me to solve them. I loved the parents who brought me solutions as they presented problems! Therefore I decided to be a "solution" to the folks running the talent show. I knew they needed someone to run the board. My son needed it to be perfect. So I volunteered. Easy-peezy. Small price to pay for greatness.

Make Sure the Auditorium Could Be Blacked Out All the Way
This one was also easy. Just make sure your school has the coolest Vice Principal in the world. One willing to perform with his own son in the show and bring the house down. (I'm not the vice principal, even though it could sound like that based on this article.) The vice principal was the fantastic Mr. Sherman, who made sure all the house lights were turned out for me! (And he did so about fifteen minutes after his own standing ovation he got for performing with his son. The performance included him dancing "gangnam style" because his son pressed a button on a remote control! Mr. Sherman understands the price of greatness.)

Prednisone and Staying Home From School
Walt woke up with a horrible seal bark and could barely breath, much less talk. He gets croupy like this from time to time and I know the drill. He usually can't talk really well for a day or two. He rarely misses school for it, because he doesn't run a fever, but this time something had to be done.

My family pediatrician is amazing. I am not going to post her name and links because I didn't discuss this with her, but if you ask me who she is I will tell you! She explained to me that prednisone didn't take effect for 12 hours after taking it, but that if I wanted my son to have it she would write the script for it. AWESOMENESS! She went on to tell me that her own daughter swears it gave her voice back to her two hours after taking it, even though all the medical books say otherwise!

I have had shows when I had no voice because of a horrible sinus infection at noon, but my buddy, who is an ER doc calls the local pharmacy in Nashville (or wherever) with a horse's dose of steroids, and I can then talk like a champ six hours later. So I know the toils of the road and I wanted my son to have prednisone!

Prioritize The Talent Show Ahead of the School Day
This one is probably strange to some of you reading this, but I am serious. I believe school is a vehicle to instill something inside our children. Something that will last a lifetime. Maybe the history lessons or math equations stay inside their heads and maybe they don't, but the overall experience of attending school will stick with a child forever if done correctly. And let me tell you, the folks at Round Top Elementary in Blythewood, South Carolina, do it correctly!

Here is how I view it. My child has spent the last month of his life walking around the house after completing his homework rapping the lyrics to this song. He has spent every ride to baseball practice listening to his iPod play the edited karaoke track and performing the entire song for me in the car multiple times per ride. He has worked for a few hours planning his costume and orchestrating the glow stick idea. He has invested a ton of his emotional well-being into this ordeal.

I think at this point, this talent show has become significantly more important than attending school. I would never let my kid cut school just because he was in the show, but if going to school on this day possibly jeopardized his ability to perform, then you're dang right I will keep him home with me!

It All Came Together
It all came together for me in the McDonalds parking lot the morning before the show when Walt was forcing down 12 milliliters of liquid prednisone. Which, by the way, tastes like a mixture of sand, crushed dramamine pills, chalk, black licorice, liver, kitty litter, and boiled egg yolks.

As he teared up from the sheer smell and gutted down the last few sips, he coughed several times, jammed a few McNuggets in his throat, chewed them up and then drank a huge swig of sweet tea. When he could talk he said, "The price of greatness, right?"

I said, "Yes... yes it is."

I Get Paid More than Money...

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 17:00:00 +0000

Sometimes when a comedian performs, he gets an additional payment he wasn't counting on. For example, I always take the free food offered by a venue. That way I feel like I got paid more. You know? And honestly, if it saves a 15 dollar tab at a place for wings and cheese sticks, it actually is like getting paid more.

One church I recently performed at took this to an entirely new level. When I was on my way to the car, this nice lady asked if I wanted to take some left over red velvet cake with me. Out of habit, I blurted out, "Of course."

Below is what she came back with from the kitchen. And yes... yes I ate it all on the four hour drive home... in fifteen minute increments.

So I Started Working Out...

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 15:00:00 +0000

So I recently started working out. After many months of doing the same work-out (pictured below) with no results, I decided to start really working out.

When I walk and jog, I really start sweating. This caused me to start a new blog topic... "What Marty's Sweat Blots Look Like."

I see a koala bear. Let me know if you disagree.

Look for the new series... "Marty's Sweat Blots," coming soon.

.

My Live Tweet of the Grammys 2013

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 23:42:00 +0000

This page will take a while to load completely. Be patient, please.

I love me a good live event awards show! I usually take to Twitter during them, so if you get notifications on my Twitter account, I apologize!

Below is a highlight recap of some of what I tweeted during the show. Each tweet has some explanation, or a picture, or a video to put it in context. Keep in mind, each tweet was done live during the event. (The times on the twitter archive are off by 7 hours because of Twitter's archive service not being in the same time zone that I am in.)

They are chronological starting with the earliest tweets and going to the latest.

Taylor Swift has a good new look, but I liked it better the first time when it was named Olivia Newton John.
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

That old dude at the piano with the blue glasses had a pretty good voice. #Grammys
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

Wait - I thought @franklinmissy sang, "Call Me Maybe." #Grammys
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

Tweet as Carly Rae Jepsen was recognized as the singer for "Call Me Maybe."

Adele's speech ended with, "See you later." like she knows she'll be back up there in a few minutes. #Grammys
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

Scroll down in the frame to watch Adele's speech.

"Wow, why do white people never comb their hair, Dad?" - Kid from the future watching the 2013 #Grammys
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

Evidently it's "Fun" to be rained on and then almost electrocuted. #Grammys
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

Tweeted as I watched Fun perform their song, "Carry On." Special effects included live rain on them while they performed... seriously. The video below should start right at the raining. If not, scrub to the 2:30 mark.

We need a back drop that says, "country music..." we'll we gotta huge silver glitter oak tree? PERFECT! #Grammys
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

I could be a background dancer for Mumford cuz I can bob my head hard on the beat with the best of em. #Grammys @llcoolj
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

This was tweeted as I watched the below performance by the amazing Mumford and Sons. Skip to 2 minutes into it right where their heads start bobbing (It should automatically.) Or listen to an amazing song by Mumford and Sons.

Here's what I learned from the #Grammys - Johnny Depp is ten times bigger than everyone. They hyped his 4 word intro for an hour. @llcoolj
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

The genius producers of the Grammys hyped Johnny Depp for over an hour. Literally every bounce to commercial started with, "And coming up, Johnny Depp to introduce Mumford and Sons."

Below is his entire appearance on the Grammys. It's only 19 seconds. Nothing else.

And I have two words for you Mr. Depp, "CUFF LINKS."

For some reason the Grammy producers thought it would be cool to start Timberlake's performance in black and white. I guess because it's a throw-back song. I tweeted this after Jay-Z took the stage.

Justin Timberlake is in black and white. Jay-Z Is in color. #Grammys @llcoolj @2trillion
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

@martysimpson Dude, you lost your man card for Tweeting 32 times about the Grammys
— Mike Britt (@CockyMike) February 11, 2013

To all my followers who have notifications turned on for me, I apologize for my Grammy bananza. Just know, I only really do this on live event award shows, and things like the Super Bowl. So you can turn your turn notifications back on... at least until the Oscars.

Hey Hugh Jackman, your acting was stellar, but Timberlake could've hit the high notes in Bring Him Home. #truth #Grammys
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

This was just as simple obversation from a Les Mis die hard fan! Below is my own version of One Day More, filmed with my brother and life-long friend, Will Hall, circa 1991.

Adam Levine, after The Voice, the mysterious vibe is gone. Now you're just skinny jeans poking out your butt when u sing. #Grammys @llcoolj
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

This one is pretty self explanatory I think.

"I know, they just roll outta bed & come to the show." - Every male black artist about every male white artist #Grammys @llcoolj @2trillion
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

Noteworthy: This applies to comedians as well. Just ask @AKLAUGHS.

I thought it was called, "No Church in a While." #probablyMoreAccurate #Grammys @llcoolj
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

I heard these guys doing this song and just assumed it was named "No Church in a While." Turns out, it's "No Church in the Wild." Who knew? Not me.

"I would like to thank the swap meet for his hat." - Jay-Z - Quote of the Night #grammys
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

This was the stand-out moment for me. Jay-Z made me laugh out loud when he said this into the mic in front of eveyrone about dude's hate shown below.
Image goes here.

"Here's to you Sitar playing guy..." - REAL AMERICAN HEROES (sung to the tune of the Miller LIte radio commercial.) #grammys @llcoolj
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

Turns out this is a Bud Light commercial theme. Apologies to Bud folks. Here is a Youtube video of an example of one of them. I think the Sitar guy could be a subject of one of these, and I'm serious.

The CBS commercial thanking me for making them number 1 makes me want to stop watching CBS on principle. #grammys @llcoolj
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

This one is also self-explanatory. This commercial creeps me out. The only way it could be worse is if Charlie Sheen were still on CBS.

Adele singing along = COOL. Neal Patrick Harris singing along = Dorky. #grammyawards @llcoolj
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

I couldn't find a picture of this, but if you saw it you know what I mean.

"This is confusing... but I like it." - Most White Country Artists in the audience at the #GrammyAwards during "Could You be Loved."
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

If you don't understand this one, ask your black friend to explain it to you. I realize he may not be with you right now while you read this, but when you see him next time at work... ask him.

Everyone talking into mic during a song could be paraphrased as: "Ladies and gentlemen, now someone more famous than I am..." #grammyawards
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

It was just always funny to me that after a person completely murdered their number, they were usually forced to then introduce someone joining them who was a much bigger star. Was it just me?

"Turns out, Loki is a decent Musician...who knew?" - Thor at the #grammyawards @thegrammys @llcoolj
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

Tweeted this one during Jack White's performance.

Fun took 12 years to be nominated and win as Best New Artist -- 12 years to become overnight success. #grammyawards @llcoolj
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

The dude who won "BEST NEW ARTIST" literally said the phrase, "We've been doing this 12 years, so thanks!"

Lead dude from Fun gets botox on the weekends and tours with One Direction. #grammyawards @llcoolj
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

My daughter would not appreciate me making fun of One Direction, so I'll just leave this one alone. You can judge it on face value in the picture below.

And in an unbelievable twist, Taylor Swift rushes the stage and steals Prince's cane! #grammys @llcoolj @thegrammys @2trillion
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

This one should be self-explanatory. If not, google the phrase "Kanye and Taylor Swift."

Which is cooler? Winning the Grammy, or having Prince say, "Oh, I love this song," before he introduces it. #grammys
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

When Prince announced the winners they acted more excited to shake Prince's hand than they did win the Grammy.

Dude just called Prince old... #grammys - He masked it by throwing around the phrase, "inspired me..."
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

Just an actual observation.

Is this Forrest Gump song an SNL sketch? #grammys #seriousQuestion
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

All-time worst Grammy moment. The idea that this now shows up in a Youtube search next to "Tom Hanks Winning Oscar for Forrest Gump" just makes me sad.

Dear Guy Singing right now --- Forrest Gump is not a real person. #grammys
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

Also, the internet is all a blaze with posts about how bad he sung the song. I am not referring to that at all. I'm talking about a dude singing a song to Forrest Gump. Seriously?

Here it is, if you can stand it.

Whitest thing said at a party : "I would rather dance on stage in background for Mumford and Sons than LL Cool J." @llcoolj @mumfordandsons
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

Another self-explanatory one, I hope.

"I didn't realize those necklaces would keep hitting my face." - LL Cool J after the show @llcoolj #grammys
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

Video below which inspired the above tweet. Skip forward to minute 3:40 to see what I was talking about (If it doesn't automatically.)

Sports fans who unfollowed me while tweeting like a groupie during the #grammys, just know I'm an Events Show junkie, it won't happen often.
— Marty Simpson (@martysimpson) February 11, 2013

Except during The Oscars... The Emmys... The Golden Globes... and probably The Super Bowl.

Striped Helmets Will Prevail: The Stats Prove This

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 02:45:00 +0000

During this time of year everyone wants to make predictions on who will win the Super Bowl. I am here to tell you, that this year's Super Bowl champions will be the San Francisco Forty-Niners. The reason is simple. They are the only team left in the play-offs that has stripes down the middle of their helmets.

Here are some stats to prove my point. In the 46 Super Bowls that have been played thus far, 38 of them have been won by teams with stripes down the middle of their helmets. Only 8 times has a team won the Super Bowl and not had stripes down the middle of their helmet. New England won 3 of those 8, but oddly enough, all 3 of those victories came against other teams without stripes down the middle of their helmets. New England has NEVER beaten a team with a stripe down the middle of their helmet in the Super Bowl.

I don't count the Carolina Panthers as a striped helmet team since their double stripe doesn't connect all the way to the back of their helmet. (However, it's noteworthy to say that Denver does count. The difference for Denver is that their stripe does connect in the back and their original helmets had stripes before converting to the newer updated helmet which won them two Super Bowls. Also, counting Denver in the striped category helps my argument!)

There have been 20 Super Bowls which matched up one team with a striped helmet and one team without stripes. Only 3 of those 17 games have been won by the non-striped helmet team. The Chicago Bears beat the Patriots (in the old Patriot uniform which had stripes,) the Ravens beat the Giants, and the Bucs beat the Raiders. The 5 other times a non-striped helmet team has won the Super Bowl, it was versus another non-striped helmet team. St. Louis beat the Titans, The Patriots beat the Panthers, the Rams, and the Eagles, and the Chiefs beat the Vikings.

There are 11 franchises in NFL history who's teams have won more than one Super Bowl. Guess how many of those 11 franchises have stripes down the middle of their helmets. The answer is 10. Only the New England Patriots have won more than one Super Bowl AND had a helmet without stripes down the middle.

So you see, if you want to win the Super Bowl, the first thing you should do, is put at least one stripe down the middle of your helmet. And actually, stats would say to put only 1 stripe, since the Pittsburgh Steelers have won the most Super Bowls, with six, and they sport one thin yellow stripe down the middle. However, the teams who have won four or five each have three stripes. The 49ers and Cowboys each have five wins, and the Giants and Packers each have four.

The bottom line is the San Francisco 49ers are destined to win this year's Super Bowl since they are the only team left in the playoffs with stripes on their helmet. Especially if they go on to defeat the Falcons and play the Patriots. Remember, the Patriots have NEVER beaten a team with stripes all the way down the middle of their helmets in the Super Bowl. The Ravens have though, so if we see the 49ers play the Ravens, this game could prove to be an interesting match-up. (To say nothing to the fact that it would be the first time in NFL history that brothers squared off against each other as head coaches in the Super Bowl. Hey John, here's some advice... put stripes on your helmet before Super Bowl Sunday!)

Episodes #5 - #11 - Clemson vs. South Carolina Video Series

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Mon, 03 Dec 2012 22:10:00 +0000

Just making sure everyone has seen all 11 episodes. I realize they all came out at sort of the same time, and maybe some of you missed an episode here and there. Well here they all are - 5-11. See the link at the bottom for 1 through 4.

Here is a link to the first four episodes if you missed them.

The First 4 Episodes: South Carolina vs. Clemson Videos

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Thu, 22 Nov 2012 04:10:00 +0000

First Video: The Definition of Domination

Episode #2: Clemson Math

Episode #3: Clemson English: Defining "Not Domination"

Episode #4: Math Lessons from @USuCkShamecocks

Check out episodes #5-#11 here.

Marcus Lattimore's Rehab: I'm Now on a Mission

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Mon, 29 Oct 2012 05:32:00 +0000

After I published the previous "Thank You, Marcus Lattimore" blog post, I assumed it would add some form of closure to this ordeal for me emotionally. I was wrong. The first five hours it was on the internet it got read by over ten thousand different people. To no one's surprise, many folks shared my feelings about Marcus.

If you haven't read that first blog you need to do that in order to put this one in the proper context. Do that by following this link.

I wrote the piece not knowing whether Marcus or his family would ever read it. I actually assumed they probably wouldn't, and haven't heard anything to lead me to believe they have, so that didn't affect me. I wrote the piece for my own pyscho-therapy. Part of me truly felt like if I put in writing my inner most feelings about Marcus Lattimore that it would somehow make my heart stop hurting for him and his family. It didn't. It did, however, create something all together different inside me. It created a mission!

A mission to organize the Gamecock fans into action. Here is what I am thinking.

For the sake of this article I will keep these numbers simple. Let's pretend there are 40 weeks worth of work outs between now and the next time Marcus Lattimore can actually practice football again at full-speed. I made these numbers up because no official report has been published as to the extent of Lattimore's injuries yet. But for the sake of this article let's assume 40 weeks.

With 40 weeks of work-outs, let's assume there are 10 rehab sessions a week. There may be more or less, I truly have no clue. I'm a former kicker and now comedian, remember? But let's assume 10 rehab sessions per week. Let's also assume that half of these will be sincerely grueling for Marcus and therefore need to be kept private. But that leaves 5 work-outs sessions per week for 40 weeks which could feasibly be witnessed by the public. Do you feel where I am going with this yet? I'm guessing you do. (If you read the first article like I said you should have this would make sense.)

Therefore, that leaves us 200 work-outs between now and the next time Marcus can actually practice full-speed. (Again, these are hypothetical numbers at this point, could be more could be less.) My thought is this. Can we divide these 200 work-outs between the 80 thousand some odd folks who regularly attend the games and help encourage Marcus by actually showing up and cheering him on?

My thought is if a church group can organize three full months of hot cooked dinners for parents of newborns, then certainly we can organize how to attend Marcus Lattimore's rehab sessions.

Here is what I am picturing. Each fan signs up well in advance for one appointed time. We cap each work-out at a maximum number of attendees based on feedback that we obtain from the training staff. (Meaning, if we can do a dozen fans we'll do a dozen fans, but if we have to only do one because of what the doctors say, we'll only do one.)

That fan, or group of fans, then makes a few posters and bakes some healthy protein cookies or something. They attend their workout in a small private group escorted to the rehab session by a University staffer. They spend five to ten minutes getting pictures with Marcus before and after the work-out. During the work-out they clap and cheer for his weight-lifting or his running. That's it. This happens five times a week for Marcus and he feels Gamecock Nation behind him during his recovery.

We then form a facebook page dedicated to only these visits so the pictures can be posted and comments placed on them to encourage his family back home. The facebook page could also serve as a reminder if Marcus ever gets frustrated.

Obviously, logistically, a few million things would have to happen between now and the first organized session, but what do you think?

My thought is the only problem we would face is that we would have far too many people wanting to do it than we could handle. If that is the only problem we would face, then I vote for trying to make this happen!

I will admit I have no connections that could pull this thing off, but you know what I do have? Zero pride or fear walking up into the offices and trying to talk to someone. Especially if I have the backing of my blog website with hundreds (or even better, thousands) of comments backing me up.

So what I need from you is for you to pass the article along to folks who you think would be interested in signing up for a work-out session. Get them to post a comment here about it. If enough folks post comments here, we might be able to build enough momentum to actually gain a meeting of some sort with the athletic department.

Who knows? All I know is the thought that Marcus would know he's not alone helps me start to see the horizon for him and his family and that makes me happy.

As I finished typing this blog post, I started thinking about the implications this would have on the other team members who were also going through rehab on their injuries.What I immediately thought was they could work out during the same sessions and therefore the audience in attendance would get to cheer on everyone who was doing rehab that session, and not just Marcus. Either way, I think it's a great idea and worth pursuing.

I am interested in your thoughts, so please leave comments below.

Thank You, Marcus Lattimore

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Sun, 28 Oct 2012 20:48:00 +0000

Thank You, Marcus Lattimore

February 3rd, 2010 is the day the Gamecock football program changed forever for the better. Many fans believe the red letter day for South Carolina was the day Coach Spurrier took the head coaching job, but it was actually a few years later when the real change happened. Coach Spurier has certainly been one of the driving forces for the upswing of Gamecock football, but history will look back to that winter day in 2010, when a young Marcus Lattimore put on that Gamecock baseball cap and announced he was going to be a Gamecock.

No other player has had the impact of Marcus Lattimore. In the movie Remember the Titans, Julius tells Gary that attitude reflects leadership. The day Marcus Lattimore stepped on campus this became obvious for the Gamecocks. I've heard from someone close to the program that Marcus Lattimore would show up at 5:45 a.m. and run the punishment with his teammates who missed breakfast check or study hall. Sometimes this punishment included running the entire Williams Brice stadium steps. Picture at one of the punishments, a teammate of Lattimore's looking at Marcus and saying,

"You didn't miss anything, why are you here?"

And Lattimore replying,

"Because you're here."

In all my years of playing, coaching, or watching athletics, I cannot think of a better example of leadership. (Or a better explanation of why Lattimore was capable of 40 carries in an SEC football game!) Marcus Lattimore is the single most influential force in South Carolina football history.

Lattimore reminds me of two leaders. One is from the Bible and one is from the movies. Those two leaders are Moses, and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Lattimore led the Gamecock football nation out of a century of mediocrity. But like Moses, for reasons hard to comprehend, Lattimore himself may not actually be able to enter the Promised Land with the rest of his team. Gamecocks have certainly wandered in the desert for more than 40 years, but behind the unbelievable leadership of Lattimore have gotten to the door step of the Promised Land. As cliche and common as this sounds for a Gamecock fan to say, next year's schedule and returning roster lends itself to big things.

At the time of the publishing of this article, no official report has been given to the severity of Lattimore's injury, so it is not possible to conclude what the future holds for him. All I know is, he was the back bone of the largest culture change in college football history. South Carolina went from being a bottom dweller cast aside by the national media to being a yearly top ten program, all on the coat tails of the leadership of Marcus Lattimore.

He is also like Obi-Wan Kenobi from Star Wars. Obi-Wan delivers a famous line near the end of Star Wars, which is paraphrased as,

"If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

I truly believe Marcus Lattimore's leadership is so powerful that it could prove to be more potently effective to the current team and future teams if he is somehow not able to play.

The future of the Gamecock football program was strengthened the day Marcus Lattimore decided to play for the university. It may be part of the larger master plan for this young man to strengthen the program even more by not being able to play. I believe he will provide a lasting foundation at the university by inspiring a generation of young players to actually stay home and play for the Gamecocks.

Every Gamecock fan thought Lattimore's influence would be made by having a long and successful NFL career. And, of course, we all pray that this still happens. But if it doesn't, I truly believe Lattimore's influence on the future of Gamecock football will still be vast.

There are young boys all over the state of South Carolina who woke up this morning hearing stories about Marcus Lattimore. They are all hoping to one day make an impact on Gamecock football just like Marcus has and just like he will.

I pray that Marcus is able to play again and play fantastically. But if he's not, I want him to know what he has meant to this Gamecock fan. His leadership has been second to none. He has helped the Gamecock football program rise from the ashes like the phoenix. He has made every kid in South Carolina playing backyard football who has ever had fleeting thoughts about the Gamecock football program to conclude immediately that they want to go to South Carolina.

While Marcus may not actually get to enter the Promised Land when the Gamecocks go there, I want Marcus to truly realize, that every Gamecock fan across the world knows that it was his hand we held as he pulled us, it was his heart that guided us, and it was his feet that took us there. Every player and every fan simply followed their leader, Marcus Lattimore, to the door step of the Promised Land. We will be forever grateful.

February 3rd, 2010, Lattimore committed to South Carolina and changed the program forever. October 27th, 2012, Lattimore was stricken down by this awful injury. October 28th, 2012, I began looking forward to watching Lattimore become "more powerful than I can possibly imagine."

It is with a prayerful heart, and a joyful spirit that I sincerely say thank you to Marcus Lattimore for all he's done for the Gamecocks. I am currently looking forward to fighting the lump in my throat while watching an ESPN, 30 for 30 production 12 years from now recapping all the influence Marcus Lattimore had during his time at South Carolina and in the NFL.

I believe we as Gamecock fans should randomly show up during Lattimore's rehab workouts and cheer for him. When he says,

"You don't need rehab, why are you here?"

We simply respond,

"Because you're here, Marcus..."

Go Gamecocks. Go Marcus. We love you.

[ I invite you to leave any message for Marcus telling him what his leadership has meant to you over the years by posting a comment below. ]

Georgia Beat-Down Bonus Break-Down #2 of 2

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Wed, 10 Oct 2012 15:49:00 +0000

This is my weekly Big-Play Breakdown for GamecockCentral.com for the Georgia game. This season, there will be two break-downs each week. This is part one.

Break-Down: Georgia 2012 Part #2 (of 2)

Nothing more to this post!

Gamecocks Own the Bulldogs: Break-down Part #1 of 2

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 21:13:00 +0000

The Media Helps Spurrier Be The Mad-Genius

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Wed, 03 Oct 2012 17:00:00 +0000

Coach is sometimes grainy and out of
focus to those who don't understand
his mastermind ways.

Spurrier has duped the local and national media yet again. Why do the reporters all get tricked into this bait and switch every time it happens? I will tell you why. Because they are like sharks swimming around a bloody carcass, and cannot help themselves. It's in their nature to chomp on that carcass and they can't help but do it. Coach Spurrier knows this and uses it to his delight whenever he sees fit.

The latest version of Coach Spurrier's tactics revolve around local State Newspaper columnist, Ron Morris. Morris made some comments which allowed Spurrier to create his planned media diversion. Those comments were personal in nature about Spurrier. (You can google those and read ad nauseam. I am not concerned with those comments.)

What I am focusing on is how easily Spurrier is able to wield his jedi-mind trick powers over every single media outlet on the planet. Sports talk radio, newspapers, blogs, network television websites, national news organizations, are all buzzing this week about the "whiny Coach Spurrier needing thicker skin." Those media outlets can't get enough of it. They are all romantically united in this stance against the all-powerful Coach railing against one of their own.

And this is EXACTLY what Coach Spurrier wanted to happen.

We have seen these tactics before, and evidently, Coach Spurrier realizes they will always work, so he keeps using them. Coach Spurrier would rather the pundits talk about his need for "a thicker skin" than bombard his players or assistant coaches with questions about the upcoming opponent. He wants his team singularly focused on beating Georgia, while he diverts all the distractions upon himself.

If you don't believe Coach Spurrier picks and chooses when to do these types of things, just take a look at exactly when they have all happened in the past. "Free Shoes University" was just before the championship game against FSU. The "echo of the whistle comments" were before the same game. The Phil Fulmer comments were always before big games ("Can't spell Citrus without UT.) The last Ron Morris debacle was the week Garcia was kicked off the team. Spurrier creates these distractions on purpose when he chooses to. Why is it not obvious by now?

The extraordinarily entertaining part to me is how all the "media folks" are so up in arms about Spurrier's behavior. They are all crying about how Spurrier needs to grow up and treat this situation with more dignity and grace. They are clamoring about it all over the interwebs. All the while, failing to realize they are indeed acting exactly like that which they criticize, and are doing so at the beck and call of the mastermind himself.

Continuing the irony, the national media pundits are all saying Coach Spurrier needs "thicker skin." To that I say, THE NATIONAL MEDIA needs thicker skin. All the national media outlets who are publishing articles saying Coach Spurrier should just ignore Ron Morris' comments are all being giggled at behind closed doors by Spurrier. The truth is, THEY should be ignoring Spurrier's comments but they are physically incapable of doing so. Spurrier knows this!

If Spurrier hadn't pulled this stunt, every article would be headlined with something like, "Biggest Game Ever at Williams-Brice." Gamecock players would be reading those headlines and become distracted by them. Instead, they get to plan for Georgia like business as usual. Business as usual at South Carolina means their coach is ornery about some local media idiot as that same coach yells at them at practice. To all Gamecock players this just feels like a normal game week.

And one last note in regards to what Spurrier is pretending to be upset about in order to shield his team from getting distracted by the over hype.

I realize I am not a professional journalist, so I don't understand how all the ethics of journalism work. I am just a comedian. Can someone please explain the particulars of how it all works? Am I allowed to just say whatever I want to say, and then if it turns out to be a lie, apologize for it the next day? Is that how journalism works? Do "columnists" get to lie then apologize since they are not "reporters?" I am confused.

But unlike any media pundit who has published any article this week about Spurrier's comments instead of the magnitude of the upcoming game, I am NOT CONFUSED. Spurrier didn't dupe me. I saw it all happen first hand and loved it all. Just like I did all the other times.

And if you are not convinced Spurrier does these things on purpose effectively, ask yourself what you remember about the last twelve South Carolina games. Is it the fact that we are 11 and 1 during those twelve games, or is it that you remember Spurrier railing on Ron Morris the week Connor Shaw took over the Gamecock's starting job? Of course you don't remember that because nobody cares about that stuff later on. You remember the WINNING not the whining. Spurrier knows this and continues to WIN, while he continues to whine. Later this year after the Gamecocks have won more than ever before, no one will care that Spurrier was a little whiny after the Mizzou game. Those same reporters will vote him SEC Coach of the Year for the umpteenth time.

All the while, Coach Spurrier will know he did it all on purpose. Anyone who feels otherwise is just part of Spurrier's master plan.

UAB Breakdown #2 of 2

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Wed, 19 Sep 2012 20:07:00 +0000

This is my weekly Big-Play Breakdown for GamecockCentral.com for the UAB game. This season, there will be two break-downs each week. This is part two. This is one of my favorite ones over.

Break-Down: ECU Part #1 (of 2)

Nothing more to this post!

UAB Breakdown #1 of 2

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Wed, 19 Sep 2012 20:06:00 +0000

This is my weekly Big-Play Breakdown for GamecockCentral.com for the UAB game. This season, there will be two break-downs each week. This is part one. This is one of my favorite ones over.

Break-Down: ECU Part #1 (of 2)

Nothing more to this post!

ECU Breakdown #2 of 2

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Thu, 13 Sep 2012 20:08:00 +0000

This is my weekly Big-Play Breakdown for GamecockCentral.com for the ECU game. This season, there will be two break-downs each week. This is part two. This is one of my favorite ones over.

Break-Down: ECU Part #1 (of 2)

Nothing more to this post!

ECU Game Break-Down Part 1 (of 2)

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Mon, 10 Sep 2012 20:46:00 +0000

This is my weekly Big-Play Breakdown for GamecockCentral.com for the ECU game. This season, there will be two break-downs each week. This is part one.

Break-Down: ECU Part #1 (of 2)

Nothing more to this post!

Etiquette for Facebook Smack-Talk

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Fri, 07 Sep 2012 16:45:00 +0000

Here is an excerpt from my blog article at GamecockCental.com dated September 7th, 2012.

Important note: I outline the three rules of etiquette for smack-talk on Facebook. In Rule No. 1, I establish what it means to be a "Facebook Jerk." This excerpt picks up at Rule No. 3.

...

Rule No. 3: Nothing posted counts towards a person's perceived integrity if posted on Facebook the week before or after the Carolina-Clemson game. (Or big rivalry game if you are not in South Carolina.)

Post anything you want, with whatever mean spirit you want, and it just doesn't count. But that statute of limitation runs out on the eighth day after the game has passed.

For example, when I set a Google Calendar alert on Jan. 20 to email me on July 4 to remind me to come to Facebook and post that West Virginia just scored again, that was outside the statute of limitation for reasonable smack talk on Facebook. This action made ME the Facebook jerk. Therefore, the proportionate response from any lunatic Clemson fan should be allowed by me on my Facebook page at that time (and it was and it was worth it. And oh, by the way, West Virginia just scored again.)

To read this article in its entirety, please visit the story's page at GamecockCentral.com here.

Vanderbilt Game 2012: GamecockCentral.com Break-Down

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 04:00:00 +0000

This is my weekly Big-Play Breakdown for GamecockCentral.com for the Vanderbilt game. This season, there will be two break-downs each week, one for defense and one for offense.

Offensive Break-Down

Defensive Break-Down

Nothing more to this post!

40th Birthday Post-It Notes :: #3

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:00:00 +0000

Here are a few more Post-It Notes my family put up on my birthday.

The first one is from my twelve year old daughter, Savannah.

From Savannah

I am glad to know my daughter appreciates what other people may call "annoying."

The next one is from my nine year old son, Walt.

From Walt

Walt continues to display how his love language is "quality time."

And the last one today is from my lovely wife, Ashley.

From Ashley

My wife's love language is "words of affirmation," but I have found a little "acts of service" don't hurt from time to time. My love language is "quality time" so in order to help her spend quality time with me (late at night watching useless television: currently The Newsroom on HBO) I rub her feet while she stays up two hours later to hang out with me. It's a model that has worked well for us.

Even Tan Man Song's Debut Performance

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 12:30:00 +0000

For those of you who have followed closely, you will remember I posted a few months back about a new song I had written, called "You Can't Trust a Man with an Even Tan." Through a few providential circumstances, I was able to complete the writing of the music side of it and actually debut it live in a show!

The lyrics are all listed below so you can read them and let me know what you think. I am grateful to one of my former students, and master musician/studio owner, Kenny McWilliams (of Archer Avenue Studio) for helping me complete the simple melody. But more importantly, teaching me a simple fact that I didn't know. I naturally sing in F-Sharp so if he plays the blues riff in F-sharp it sort of sounds like I am actually singing it in the correct key. Who knew?

In the past, I always let the fact that I cannot sing, or even keep time very well, prevent me from performing music in my act. I have now, officially, put all that behind me! Check out the video and lyrics below and let me know what you think.

Read on for full song lyrics as performed in this video (which was the first time the song was ever performed live.)

CHORUS:
You can't trust a man with an even tan.
He doesn't even look human.
Really more like an alien,
is any man with an even tan.
-------------------------------------------

(Ladies)
When you're out there looking for mister "right."
Just roll up his sleeve and look for some white.
If his arm's one shade, then don't be dismayed,
To find, he's just trying ----- to get ... sauteed.

------------------------------------------
CHORUS:
You can't trust a man with an even tan.
He doesn't even look human.
Really more like an alien,
is any man with an even tan.
------------------------------------------

Even though the lady teachers may drool
seeing even-tan man's converti-bool.
All moms sitting in traffic at grade-school,
Know a real man drops off 6 at car-pool.

-------------------------------------------
CHORUS:
Don't care if you stare at his catamaran
It's impressive I understand.
Remember your Uncle Stan?
He had five wives and an even-tan.
He had five wives and an even-tan.

CHORUS:
So do trust the dude drives a mini-van
He'll take you to the promised land.
He don't give a hoot 'bout his tan.
He's a man who drives a mini-van.
--------------------------------------------

I'm a mini-van man by my own admission,
I'm easy to please, won't take a magician.
All my dreams will have come to fruition,
When I own a Town and Country... Limited Edition.

--------------------------------------

The day finally came when I'd saved enough money
to buy a mini-van for me and my honey
And so I could keep up with the Jones-es,
I had to have the wireless headphones-es.

Went to the dealership but got apprehensive,
Because it turns out, they were really expensive.
So I went online and looked on ebay,
found a guy that would take what I could pay.

but on his website there was no photograph,
so when he told me the color, it just made me laugh.
Before I could ask, he quickly began
He said it was beige... like an even-tan.

-----------------------------------------
CHORUS:
Yes I drive a van that's an even-tan
So we've ended up where we began.
That doesn't make me like your Uncle Stan.
Just 'cuz my van's an even-tan.

CHORUS:
I never would trust an even tan man
Unless that man was Mexican
Or maybe African American
But not if he's Caucasian.
Not if he's Caucasian.

CHORUS:
You can't trust a man with an even-tan.
He doesn't even look human.
Really more like an alien,

Is any man
Is any man
Is any man with an even-

Okay I know that was horrible
Stop judging me!
tan.

40th Birthday Post-It Notes :: #2

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Fri, 13 Jul 2012 12:00:00 +0000

If you missed the explanation what these post-it notes are from, it's pretty simple. My family posted these all over the house on my 40th birthday this year. They are notes letting me know about certain things my family loves about me.

Savannah loves how I can convince people to let our family do special things. At Disney, it was Walt's birthday, so I was able to talk the young assistants at the Toy Story 3-D Shooting game/ride into letting our family get in the fast-pass line even though we didn't have one. This saved us about three hours!

Walt has another thing he loves about me, which is sort of self explanatory as you read his post-it. However, I would like it noted that I have no memory of the things he is referencing in his post-it.

(Note: "Sonny" is Savannah, my 12 year old girl's, nickname around the house.)

While we are at it, instead of wasting two full blog posts on bathroom humor, I am going to go ahead and post another one of Walt's post-its in this post. I have no memory of what he is talking about in this one. I have to assume he made this memory up in his head. Enjoy.

40th Birthday Post-it Notes :: #1

noreply@blogger.com (Marty Simpson) — Wed, 11 Jul 2012 16:18:00 +0000

For my 40th birthday my family put little "Post-it Notes" everywhere around my house with complimentary messages written on them. Each person used their own handwriting so each of them was obvious who it was from. Each note had a short message on it explaining something that particular person "loved" about me.

I found them to be very encouraging and interesting as they divulged information about how each person actually loves me. My nine year old boy, Walt, has an obvious love language of quality time, while my 12 year old daughter, Savannah, is more a gifts love language.

My wife's love language is words of affirmation, but it was entertaining to me to see what it was about me that she actually "loved."

I have decided to post a few of these over the next couple of weeks. Here are the first few worth discussing.

This one below is from my wife, Ashley.

I am glad to know my wife's love for me is genuine!

This one below is from Walt.

Walt loves when "I do video games with him." See how he is a quality time love language, as opposed to my daughter's below.

Savannah loves that I am "good" at video games, and Walt loves that I play the games with him.

This past Christmas we got Skyward Sword, the new Wii Zelda game and we played it as a family. Savannah enjoyed that I was talented enough to defeat the major bosses so we could proceed to the next level each time they got stuck. I think Walt just enjoyed the fact that I was playing with him!

I have a few dozen more of these and I will post them a few at a time each week.