Every week I think that this is possibly the worst thing to have to reveal to the world (well, at least all 3 of you reading this right now).  And then I start to type the next week’s post and I’ll be dang if it becomes possibly the worst thing to have to reveal to the world.

Seriously.

It’s no secret that I struggle with just accepting and believing and trusting that God loves me for me.  I struggle with it still – maybe not as much as I did 3 years ago, but it’s still a real battle for me.

I’m not one of those people who has had some major revelation of the Father’s love in one sitting.  Nope.  I think I’m going to be one of those people who have a

long

drawn-out

process.

Yeah, exciting, isn’t it?

Ahem.

In the past I always associated my need to perform or do things in order to gain love as the basis of my issues – the end all to end all of problems.

And you thought YOU were messed up.  HA!

But I’ve discovered a hidden secret.

The fear of being abandoned.

The fear of being left behind.

The fear of being left out, of missing it, of not getting it right.

So I keep myself as busy as I possibly can in the hopes that it keeps me front and center and that God will notice me and therefore He’ll pay attention to me and then bless me and then I won’t be left behind or left out or abandoned.

Ugh.

It scares me to my core that He’ll leave me.

And to even think that I believe that  – kills. me.

I don’t want to.

But it’s embedded deep.

So I’m having to work on replacing the ungodly belief (are you noticing a theme here?) with the truth.

What is God’s truth here?

He will never leave me.  Deuteronomy 31:6 and Hebrews 13:5

His love for me is everlasting and unconditional.  Jeremiah 31:3

And that’s only two, right?

Now here’s where I get really transparent.

It’s so easy to type out.

It’s so easy to say out loud.

It’s a whole other thing to actually believe it and walk it out.

But you know what?

I want to.

I want to believe it with everything in me.

I want to rest in the truth that God just loves me so much.

I want to rest in the truth that He will never abandon me.

I want to rest in the truth that I won’t be left out, miss it, or passed over.

In order for those truths to take seed in my heart and grow, I’m doing a couple of  things:

Prayer ministry – it’s part counseling, part praying – to work through the ungodly beliefs and find the root of them.

Soaking – I’m not an expert at this, but I’m going to take a few days a week to just put on worship music, invite Him to come, and just lay there and soak.  This is especially tough for me because I’m really doing nothing – just laying there trusting that He is doing something.  Hard to do for a “doer” ya know?

Scripture – Speaking the truths out loud a couple of times a day.  It worked before for the torment I was having in my mind, so I’m going to do it again.

Prayer time with hubby – We did this for the first few years of our marriage but somehow got out of the habit, but we are going to be praying together nightly.  I love this time.  I want my husband’s covering in prayer and I know he is my greatest support here as I work through these things.  It’s a safe place for me – he is my safe place here.

So there you have it.

I don’t have some fancy ending this week.  Just a lot to chew on and think about.

And  a lot to hope for.

from martha to mary | abandonment is a post from: The Heart of the Matter

Click here to download The Genesis Guide for Absolute Beginners (PDF - 1.4 MB)

Parousia

Greek for “personal presence”

It’s February 21st.

Two months into the new year – 2012.

And I have totally sucked at being present so far this year.

As a matter of fact, so far this year I have found myself so pulled in twenty different directions, that I haven’t had the energy to be present.

That sucks.

(Sorry.  But it does.)

I’ve tried planners, to-do lists, schedules, etc. but nothing seems to work.

Life has just felt chaotic.

And that makes me nervous and sad.

Nervous because it probably means I need to say no to a few things.

Sad because I don’t want to.

I love every part of my life.

I love it all.

But it’s not fair to my family.

It’s not fair to my body.
(especially when I have to spend an entire day in bed because I’m past the point of exhausted.  Not. Good.)

So over the next few days I’ll be re-evaluating what I have going on in my life,

seeing what I can drop, seeing what I can keep, and scheduling my time better.

I want to be present.

In everything.

When I’m at work.

When I’m at church.

When I’m with my family.

When I’m with God.

I don’t want to short-change anyone.

So, I guess He knew what He was doing when He gave me my word for this year.

Parousia | to be present

Here we go.

oneword365 | parousia is a post from: The Heart of the Matter

Click here to download The Genesis Guide for Absolute Beginners (PDF - 1.4 MB)

To read all of the posts in this series, click here.

Our key scripture: Galatians 5:22-23 – ESV
²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

Moving right along in our study, we’re going to talk about faithfulness this week.  Faithfulness (or faith) in the Greek is pistis – πίστις – and means

1) conviction of the truth of anything, belief; in the NT of a conviction or belief respecting man’s relationship to God and divine things, generally with the included idea of trust and holy fervor born of faith and joined with it

a) relating to God

            1) the conviction that God exists and is the creator and ruler of all things, the provider and bestower of eternal salvation through Christ

b) relating to Christ

             1) a strong and welcome conviction or belief that Jesus is the Messiah, through whom we obtain eternal salvation in the kingdom of God

c) the religious beliefs of Christians

d) belief with the predominate idea of trust (or confidence) whether in God or in Christ, springing from faith in the same

             2) fidelity, faithfulness

                            a) the character of one who can be relied on

That’s a lot, right?  But really all of those are traits we should be displaying when we show faithfulness or have faith.  I think the one that struck me the most is “fidelity, faithfulness, the character of one who can be relied on.” I know that we can look at that from a human perspective:  we should be faithful in our marriages, in our friendships, etc.

But most important, we should be faithful to God.

Yeah.  I said that.

Faithful to God.

How often do we cheat on Him by allowing our time to be swallowed up by less important things?  How often do we push Him to the side because we have other pressing matters to deal with.  How often do we choose TV or computers or phones or whatever?

I know I’m guilty of it.

I’ve said it before, but it’s worth saying again:

If I spent the same amount of time with my husband as I currently do with God, would I still be married today?

Do I show faithfulness to Him as well those around me?  Do I show faithfulness with the small things He’s entrusted to me?  Am I reflecting His character at all times?

These are the things that cross my mind as I look at faithfulness.  That word packs a big punch, ya know?

I want to be counted faithful.

I want to hear those words one day:

‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’  Matthew 25:21

Don’t you?

fruit of the spirit | faithfulness is a post from: The Heart of the Matter

Click here to download The Genesis Guide for Absolute Beginners (PDF - 1.4 MB)