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We can choose to hold grudges and nurture resentment for what others have done or not done to or for us. Or we can choose to forgive and move forward focusing on the future and the importance of our relationship. When people who have hurt or offended us are close friends, colleagues, and family members, forgiveness is particularly important. Failing to forgive those who are significant parts of our lives forces us to regularly re-experience past grievances and prevents us from being fully present for them.

Holding on to past grievances also can have serious life consequences for us. We can experience bouts of anxiety, periods of depression, bursts of anger, frequent insomnia, and other unpleasant emotional and physical reactions. Our failure to forgive can make the other person uncomfortable, but it can hurt our emotional and physical health.

As difficult as it can be to forgive others, forgiving ourselves can be even more difficult. Yet it is at least as important. We understand that others may have faults and behave in ways that disappoint us. However, we are often much harder on ourselves and even less forgiving when we misstep, misspeak, and misinterpret with our words and actions.

When we fail to live up to expectations we have for ourselves, we can become both the grievant and the aggrieved. On its face it seems that it should be easier to forgive in these circumstances since no one else is involved. Yet, we are often harder on ourselves and less willing to forgive when we stumble and fall short. We can find it easier to accept that others might not be perfect while expecting perfection in ourselves. In fact, others may already have forgiven us for some experience, while we continue to blame and shame ourselves.

The past year has demanded more from us than we ever might have imagined. We have been asked to deal with circumstances for which we could not have been prepared and for which we had neither the tools nor the experience to address. It was predictable that we would make mistakes and fail to notice and respond effectively to some circumstances and challenges that confronted us. We also operated under significant and sustained pressure and stress. Missteps, misspoken words, and misinterpretations were unavoidable.

Now is the time to stop blaming and shaming ourselves for what we may or may not have done in the past, whether associated with the pandemic or not. This is a time when our students and colleagues need us to be fully present and ready for what the future holds. They need the best we can offer.

Forgiveness can be easier if we shift our perspective from our shortcomings and setbacks and think about how we would respond if a friend were in a similar situation. We need to grant ourselves the same understanding and grace we would offer to a friend, colleague, or family member.

We need to give ourselves the same level of encouragement, support, and confidence we would offer to a close friend or valued colleague whom we know has great talent, excellent skills, and yet untapped future potential. We need to accept that forgiving ourselves is no less important or powerful an act as forgiving others. With forgiveness, we are free to focus on the future and become all that life has to offer us.

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Fear of failure in schools can be a driver of student anxiety, worry, and depression. For some students, fear of failure drives them to “play the game of school” that holds little meaning for and even less value to them. For others, fear of failure leads to the choice to focus elsewhere in life and discount the importance of learning in school and the significance of failure. Still others bounce between worrying about failure and lowering expectations relative to their chances for success.

Yet, we know that missteps, setbacks, and even failure are important to the learning process. Failure can carry valuable information and the opportunity to learn. Failure gives a reason to examine, reflect, and adjust. Our students cannot completely embrace success unless they conquer their fear of failure.

Fortunately, there is much we can do to help students meet the challenge of overcoming their fears about failure. Here are ten strategies we can tap; five are things we can do, and five are areas in which we can coach students to think and act.

What we can do:

• Focus on learning over grades. Learning invites and values mistakes and setbacks. Grades too often punish them.
• Model how to deal effectively with mistakes and errors. When we misstep or misspeak, we need to avoid minimizing, denying, and making excuses. When we do not know an answer, we can take time to reflect, understand, and learn.
• Create strong positive relationships with students. Relationships build influence. When we are confident in the potential of students, they become more confident. If we value academic tasks, students are more likely to value them, too.
• Nurture an environment of safety, respect, and reflection. Mistakes are less scary if blame, shame, and criticism are not present. Treating failure as an opportunity to discover and learn can be a powerful lesson.
• Focus feedback on effort and strategy over ability and performance. Our attention and words can help students to focus on effective processes. When something does not work on a first attempt, focus on the strategy and type of effort, not ability.

What we can coach students to do:

• Become aware of mounting fear and its symptoms. Coach students to use countering strategies such as breathing, stretching, and relaxation techniques.
• Accept and honor mistakes as a crucial part of academic learning. Remind students of other areas of life where mistakes are accepted as part of the learning and skill-building process.
• Plan and prepare. Fear usually dissipates with action. Practicing strategies and completing tasks can generate confidence and counter anxiety. They also reduce the likelihood of failure.
• Set and focus on a goal. Goals can squeeze out distractions and make mistakes less of a concern.
• Develop and take pride in resilience. What happens is less important than the choice in how to respond. There is always a choice.

Fear of failure may never completely disappear. In small amounts, it can even be a motivator. However, we need to do everything in our power not to have fear of failure become a barrier to learning and success. The learning environment we create and our coaching can make a crucial difference in the learning experience we offer to our students. The skills and strategies they develop will serve them well long after they leave us.

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Yet how quickly we recall information or perform a task is not necessarily an indicator of learning. It may be that we have already encountered facts or have experiences close enough to the learning task that we can extrapolate from current knowledge and practice skills closely related to what we already know. It is also true that for some people immediate recall comes easily, but they are not necessarily able to retain what they learn.

Conversely, learners who need additional time to learn are not necessarily weak learners. It may be that they just need more time to assimilate and integrate new content and skills before they can be confident. Meanwhile, they may retain what they learn longer and be able to use their learning more effectively.

Clearly, speed is not necessarily the best indicator of real learning, especially when learning new content and developing new skills. Ease of learning is also not always the best indicator of learning that will stick and serve for the long term.

The fact is that when we and our students are learning in areas that are not already familiar to us, that challenge us, and force us to focus, many traditional behaviors that we try to avoid are signs that real, significant learning is occurring. Rather than seek to avoid the feelings and symptoms of struggle, we need to celebrate the process and progress in which we are engaged. Let’s explore five of these symptoms or telltale signs of real learning.

First, when we find that we must slow our learning pace and focus our attention, we accept that we are encountering content or a challenge that goes beyond our past knowledge and existing skills. We are in the process of building beyond what we already know and can do. When students face the need to slow down, we can reinforce for them the promise their focus and attention can offer in new learning success.

Second, when we struggle and feel stuck we can reassure ourselves that what we are facing truly is new learning. Our struggle is an invitation to find new strategies, redouble our efforts, and identify resources around us that can support our progress. Times when we feel stuck often come just before significant breakthroughs. We can remind ourselves and reassure our students that when we struggle we make real learning more likely.

Third, as much as we often try to avoid them, mistakes can be indicators that we are engaged in real learning. Missteps and setbacks are natural parts of the learning process. If we make no mistakes and find the learning process to be easy, we may not be adding to our learning. We may just be reinforcing much of what we already know. We need to reassure ourselves and our students that mistakes are not evidence of poor learning. Rather, they are signs that we are building our knowledge and expanding our skills in new areas.

Fourth, when we engage in learning that leads us into new areas we can become uncertain about things that we used to take for granted. Learning often leads us to discover new perspectives, uncover new facts, and question long-held assumptions. Similarly, we can help our students to be comfortable questioning, inquiring, and challenging their thinking as they are exposed to a wider, more complex world than they may have assumed.

Fifth, real learning can lead us to change our mind. Beyond becoming less certain about what we believed and assumed in the past, real learning can lead us to recalibrate beliefs, abandon old assumptions, and adopt new perspectives and positions relative to our lives and work. One of the greatest gifts we can give to our students is the experience of learning that leads to new insights, new understandings, and new perspectives. Often this experience will ignite curiosity and instill a passion for learning that will last a lifetime.

New learning is often not comfortable. It is not always easy. Yet, it is the struggle, the mistakes, the uncertainty, and changes in the ways we see and engage in life that make the journey worthwhile.

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Yet, regardless of what the upcoming week may present, there are three behaviors that we can practice in nearly any situation that will improve the outcome, empower those we lead, and increase the impact of our leadership. Equally important, these leadership behaviors can reduce our stress and strengthen our relationships with others.

At first, these behaviors may seem obvious. We may even take them for granted. Yet, in our hurried, harried week we can forget their importance and neglect to prioritize their practice. When we do, we risk compromising the impact of our leadership and missing opportunities to help those around us. Let’s examine these behaviors and why making them a priority this week and every week is so important.

The first behavior is listening. The practice of close listening can generate multiple benefits and advantages. Listening can give us access to important information, multiple perspectives, crucial insights, and an array of options to consider. Meanwhile, listening is a demonstration of engagement and caring. Listening conveys our respect and demonstrates our valuing of others. Further, just listening to someone “talk out” an issue can result in their discovering new insights and solutions beyond what we might have offered. Committing to listen may seem simple, but really listening to understand words and their meaning can make an important difference.

A second leadership behavior to prioritize this week is empathizing. Empathy focuses on understanding the stresses, concerns, worries, and reactions of others from their perspective. Empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy focuses on sharing feelings, while empathy focuses on understanding feelings. The difference is important in that we may not have shared the experience of the other person, but we can seek to understand and appreciate what they are feeling and how they are perceiving a situation. By seeking to understand we can validate the perspective and feelings of the other person, while remaining positioned to help and support them. Practicing empathy can lead us to ask questions, clarify emotions, and sort responses in ways that are empowering. Empathy does not mean taking on the emotions of the other person, but it can lead to discovering actions and solutions that will make a difference.

The third leadership behavior, encouraging, builds on the first two behaviors. Listening and empathizing can surface valuable information and insights to guide choices and other actions. However, people often need a nudge to take a risk or reassurance that they can succeed with the challenge they face. Our belief in their skills and commitment can be what it takes to move someone to action. Our confidence can lead others to persist until they prevail. Our encouragement may not seem like much to us, but it may be just enough to “tip the scales” in favor of taking on a new challenge, confronting a long-standing problem, or committing to a new idea or project.

Of course, we may assume that listening, empathizing, and encouraging are naturally present in our daily and weekly routines. However, giving these behaviors renewed attention and committing to practice them regularly can strengthen our leadership impact, increase our work satisfaction, and improve the work and life experience of those around us.

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Many educators, too, are stressed by their transition back. Feelings of anxiety, exhaustion, and depression are common. Risks related to the pandemic and disappointment in the response to attacks on teaching practices and content combine to create confusion and uncertainty. As a result, patience can be in short supply. Seemingly minor behavioral issues can become significant confrontations.

The reality we are experiencing presents at least four implications for our attention. First, we can practice patience and offer grace in our interactions with students and each other. Taking time to listen and understand what others are experiencing can be a great start. We cannot necessarily solve the problems they are facing, but we can offer our presence and support. For students, we can also give opportunities for some down time and space where possible. Strict adherence and immediate compliance expectations can make the situation worse and stimulate emotional responses that escalate to physical confrontations.

Second, we can examine the expectations we have for students. Expectations that are based in tradition but have no compelling purpose might be considered for abandonment. They may not be worth the fight associated with enforcement and they can damage our relationships with students. Those expectations necessary to ensure safety, preserve order, and support learning need to be presented with a clear rationale and with as much flexibility as we can manage.

Third, we can still draw on how students were able to manage greater freedom and flexibility as they engaged in remote learning. Some of the routines and procedures allowed in remote learning settings can fit well in face-to-face settings or may be manageable with some modifications. The fact is that in some cases, students can handle more freedom and responsibility than we have given them in the past. They may need supports and reminders, but the benefits can be significant.

Fourth, we can offer flexibility in the implementation of those expectations that students may still be struggling to meet. Some students may just need time and support to adjust and have expected behaviors become routine and consistent again. Our challenge is to anticipate and respond with clarity, empathy, and support.

Behavior expectations are not academic learning, but they help to create the conditions under which learning can occur. Our flexibility and management of expectations can offer significant benefits to the learning environment. Conversely, resistance and disruption are predictable if students fail to see the need for the expectations presented to them and their emotional needs go unaddressed.

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For many students the task of “catching up” academically has remained a serious challenge. Certainly, there are many reasons for the continued struggle some learners are experiencing. Among the factors behind the lack of progress many students are experiencing is a mismatch in the type of support they are receiving and their learning needs.

Not surprisingly, some students need more and different support than others. For some students, a narrower focus and integration of previously learned content and skills with current learning expectations is enough to put them back on track. Others have significant content knowledge and skill gaps, but the skills underlying their learning are solid and can support ongoing progress. Still others are missing one or more key underlying learning competencies that interfere with their learning. Even when they temporarily catch up, they tend to fall behind over time due to the absence of these key competencies. We might think of the broad strategies available to address areas where learning has lagged in three categories: acceleration, tutoring, and intervention.

Acceleration has been a preferred strategy for many educators who seek to address relatively small learning gaps opened over the past year. Acceleration narrows the focus of learning challenges presented to students while combining current learning expectations with review and reintroduction of past content and skills. This strategy can be effective if learning gaps are manageable and students possess the necessary underlying competencies to construct new learning. In fact, acceleration has been a good option for most students.

Tutoring has also been a popular strategy to help some students with larger learning gaps to “catch up.” Recent research from the University of Chicago found tutoring to be a potent way to help students improve, especially in reading and math. Importantly, students need to experience tutoring daily and the support needs to focus on the specific areas of knowledge and skills in need of growth. Tutoring appears to be most effective when students have larger gaps in content knowledge and academic skills but possess core underlying learning competencies. Tutoring addresses missing information that, once absorbed, can restore them to an expected learning pace that can be sustained long-term.

Intervention, the third and most intensive strategy, goes beyond academic content and skills to focus on specific learning competencies and processes that stand in the way of students moving forward at an acceptable pace. This deeper level of skills intervention focuses on elements such as: information processing speed, sustaining attention, maintaining focus, and auditory and visual processing. Without these skills students may be able to make progress with close assistance, but they fall back once support is removed and they are expected to learn independently.

Unfortunately, many students have failed to make expected progress this fall due to a mismatch in the support they need and the support they are receiving. For example, providing tutoring when intervention is needed can be a waste of time in that a student may temporarily catch up, only to fall behind as new content and skills are introduced. Conversely, acceleration may be adequate if revisiting and reinforcing information or filling in small gaps are all that is required for a student to get back on track. The key, obviously, is to focus on the learning profile of students to ensure that key underlying learning competencies are present, assess whether the content and skills needed will require tutoring or can be addressed through acceleration, and respond with what each student needs.

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