Dappan Koothu

The Bai Who Dumped Me – Part1

maxdavinci — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 02:39:57 +0000

A janitor on the deck of a Korean army vessel of the port of Vizag, finds the missile door open and sounds the alarm. A quick inspection reveals that a couple of armed missiles are missing. Anjaneyulu Sastry a.k.a ‘Loo’, the chief of the Andhra Police Covert Operations(APCO) summons JMS Pand to investigate. Daabal-sevan-woh(770) learns that the torpedoes are being smuggled out on the Godavari express and boards the running train while it slows down at a crossing. After a breathtaking action sequence involving jumping from carriage to carriage and hanging by the window bars, Pand manages to accost one of the culprits who reveals that they plan to blow up a major city. More reinforcements arrive for the miscreants and attempt to take out Pand whilst airlifting the missiles. Pand finds a motorbike in the cargo carriage and uses it to leapfrog from one carriage to another while being chased by assassins. In a totally unrelated stunt sequence, Pand breaks out of a carriage and leaps into the air with a few white doves flying in all directions(insert John Woo reference). Pand jumps over the Prakasam barrage with the bike into the Krishna river below, as his chute opens to break his fall into the water. You guessed it right, it’s time for the most famous son of the south to save the day yet again.

Back at headquarters, Chief Loo is severely pissed that daabal-sevan-woh failed to retrieve the baggage and returns with no leads. He had however managed to rip the collar of one of the assassins in the scuffle, who he threw under the train. Close inspection reveals that it was tailored in Thane and that being the only lead, Loo assigns Pand to the case and packs him off to Bombay Mumbai. There he learns that plans for a highly advanced underwater navigation system are the most sought after in the market. Pand tracks down a prospective seller in Dadar in an attempt to close in on the buyer. Here he encounters Sunita Karmarkar, a voluptuous woman proud of her ancestral legacy who is a rival to his plans. ‘Madamgaaru myself Pand, JMS Pand and yourself? Mee kaay karu shakto for you?‘, Pand attempts to make some small talk. Surprised by his blatant murder of her native tongue, Sunita manages to calm herself and replies, ‘Sunita Karmarkar here and I’m of to intercept that transaction with the buyer, Tu majhya sobath yeshil kya?‘.Together they steal a disk containing the buyer’s specifications and try to outwit each other in a game of oneupmanship. Turns out that Ms.Karmarkar is with the CID, not the one on Sony TV with Shivaji Satham as ACP Pradyuman but the real deal. At the CID headquarters the chiefs of APCO and CID both decide to join forces and get working on the stolen disk.

The documents in the disk bore the watermark of an organization that called themselves PMS. Rummaging through the old case files and various searches for the abbreviation reveals that a lot of
women
had complained
of PMSlot of women had complained of PMS, an organization(obviously!) that attacked college students and working women from other states in their hostels. Weirdly named, Paschim Maratha Sena(PMS) seemed to have a thing for outsiders and it was quite evident that the PMS was plotting to cramp the underbelly of Mumbai. The reasons for such a sinister plan to paralyze a whole city and bring it to its knees were unknown, yet it sent shivers down the spine of everyone in the room. ‘OK andaru chudandi, we need to find out what the motive of these donganakodakkas is, so agent dabbal-sevan-woh your job is to get to the bottom and pull the plug on this. Ms.Korma will be your partner on this mission‘, Thundered Chief Loo with an air or supremacy. Having been numerous times to Tirupati, Sunita knew that ‘jaragundi‘ meant to move. She therefore assumed that ‘chudandi‘ also had something to do with get going and accompanied Pand on the case.

Off the coast of Mumbai on an abandoned oil rig which now doubled up as the PMS headquarters where Rajyog Zadgaonkar(R-Zed) controlled his nefarious activities from. Coming from a family of naval officers, R-Zed started out as a marine biologist but was distraught when all the names ending with ‘an’ at the institute were being offered plush profiles and being the lone ‘kar’, he was sidelined. That sowed the seeds of his hatred towards south Indiansthe seeds of his hatred towards south Indians particularly the Srinivasans and Subramanianas who equated him with the koli fishermen and mocked at his research deemed fit only for the denizens of Machi Marg. When he decided to invest his family wealth and get into the shipping business, he felt like a pomfret in a bowl full of bombil and marinated with sarson ka saag. The Chowdarys, Randhawas and Chatterjees commanded a huge monopoly and it was almost impossible to do business without perfecting the recipe to make lip smacking aloo parathas and mishti doi. He finally moved to the oil industry where only a couple of Gujju brothers were squabbling over petty issues, and bribes seemed to work across regional feelings. Shit hit the fan when he saw the most favorite Indian pastime, Cricket being encroached by outsiders. Replacing Hrishikesh Kanitkar who would have been the greatest all-rounder after Sir Gary Sobers with duds like Hemang Badani and Dinesh Mongia was only the beginning. Great talents like Paras Mhambrey, Nilesh Kulkarni were all ignored for so-called stars like Harvinder Singh & S.Ramesh. Heck Agarkar according to him was the best thing that happened to world cricket since Glen Mcgrath and Allan Donanld went out of business.

Having exceeded all possible levels of his tolerance and distressed by the sheer negligence towards the sons of the soil, R-Zed planned to wipe the city clean. His dastardly plot was to pound the coast with armed missiles on ‘Chhath pooja‘ when the damned bhaiyajis worship the sun. His theory being that, it would make the outsiders shit bricksmake the outsiders shit bricks, pack their bags and scurry like rats to where ever they came from. The nincompoop he was, it was obvious that he hadn’t accounted for the ramifications which could even result in a tsunami on the west coast. Pand and Sunita decide to pose as sellers of the navigation system and arrange a meeting with R-Zed. They receive a fully loaded Maruti-800 from the dept with all the usual fancy gadgets like a idli maker, chutney dispenser, headrest DVD system with preloaded DVDs of Chiranjeevi and Dada Kondkar, last but not the least and the most important of them all, a bottle of ‘Gongura Pachadi‘ along with useless stuff like guns and other ammunition. As they drove out towards Madh Island, the only question lingering in their minds was: How does one possibly tackle PMS?

To be concluded in Part-2

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None Found

Aaj mausam bada beimaan hain

maxdavinci — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:41:24 +0000

I know what you’re thinking, and your bewilderment is well justified. We don’t quite often talk about so-called serious issues like climate changes but then we’ve done some mildly serious stuff in the past like this and this, they’ve been well received. Now this goes without denying the fact that it will get us some traffic, but people looking for serious stuff will return disappointed. Unless of course someone is looking for how the climatic change will affect the receding hairline of Salman Khan, which might be a serious issue of national interest after all! The climate is changing whether we like it or not and we can either do nothing and try to slow it down or accelerate it to satiate our appetite for destruction! Afterall trying to curb our natural affinity to corruption, is detrimental to the steady cash inflow from our heavy industrial bribes. Not many like to talk about it, for it tugs at the strings of their purses and it will open a gigantic debate that will have people running in circles. There’s nothing like opening up purushottams box all over again, at a time when people are only bothered about materialistic gains and nothing more.

With global warming becoming a serious issue, we wanted to get a feel of what the govts of J&K, UP, Uttaranchal etc were doing for the Himalayan mountain ranges. While the J&K, Uttaranchal govts were non-committal, the UP govt however had some quite shocking suggestions to tackle the issue. The CM’s office proposed setting up more parks everywhere with a park in every one-mile radius. Now parks are good things you may think, with more greenery to absorb the greenhouse gases that in turn contribute to global warming. What they do not tell you is that each of these parks will have an enormous statue
of
behenji, pointing
to the skyenormous statue of behenji, pointing to the sky and overlooking the city. In case any of you are wondering what the big deal about it is, then you’ll be pleased to note that the cost of a park to statue is exponential. When quizzed about this, the founder of the MNS, Raj Thakeray was pretty vocal about it and claimed that global warming was a phenomenon created solely by the bhaiyajis. According to him the UPwalas and Biharis have inundated the city and desecrated the marathi ethos with their chath pooja and bhojpuri music. This has angered Mumbadevi who has thereby unleashed this impending calamity of global warming upon us. Now he may not have meant it word for word, but his insistance to speak to us only in marathi could have lead to some translation errors on our behalf!

We also tried getting some inputs from the erstwhile CM of Bihar and the most famous son of the Yadav clanmost famous son of the Yadav clan taking over from Lord Krishna himself, Laloo Prasad Yadav. Quoting from a UN report on cattle increasing greenhouse gases, we were hoping to get his opinions and also a possible rebuttal to the MNS chief. ‘Arre budbak,the cow ij avar mother samjhe. if aye can eat the lakhs of fodder and be the fine, toh bolo how it will cause the pradooshan and warming if the cow-mata will eat? hum keh rahe hain na, all thich ij saajish to tarnish my imaej. Ab jao sasur ka naathi Raj Thakeray ko bolo to talk in the English like me faarst!‘. Well he sure does have a point for there is no greater authority when it comes to matters dealing with fodder. The Gujarat CM with his self-adopted nickname of vikas-purush was equally vocal about his reasons for the phenomenon. To quote his very words ‘Arrey baba yeh sab sirf Ayodhya naresh Shri Ramchandraji ka khel hain, and nothing to panic. He will cleanse the world of these muslim extremists for they are harming his devotees and are not letting his name to prevail. Let us not focus on trivial issues like the earth heating up, but instead talk about my new SEZs and the IT parks that I am inaugurating. Do you have any NRI contacts, I want to set up a Gujju association in Rwanda as well‘. Ha don’t we all know that even Jack Sparrow bought coffee from the Dunkin Donuts in Davy Jones locker at the worlds end. No matter where you go, you’re sure to bump into a Patel!

Bolly-town was clueless to all this environmental gobbledygook and not many were willing to talk on record fearing their audiences find their true IQ and civic sense. Ha! isn’t that an oxymoron for if even 10% of the denizens of film nagar had any common sense or even the minimum IQ, we would be deprived of all the mega-duds they churn out every Friday. Akshay Kumar however was not one bit concerned about his IQ for he unbuttoned himself on the rampunbuttoned himself on the ramp and was more interested in promoting his new movie, Blue. ‘I am very concerned about global warming and that is why I am doing a film on underwater sharks and treasures. I have always given hits with new directors and in Bue we teach people what to do when the water level rises due to snow caps melting. They can all snorkel wit stingrays or try to fit into the bikinis of Lara Dutta!‘. We do hope that such a calamity never happens where the coastal cities are submerged, but Akshayji is for sure prepared and with all the crores he demands per film, he might well have an Atlantis built for himself. A young starlet who wished to remain anon began to brain fart when quizzed upon her thoughts on the depleting ozone layer. ‘What is this ozone layer ya, I only know of my new feather and layer hair cut. Don’t you think I look saucy? By any chance is it a new makeup thingie for I’d like to try a new look in my upcoming film. Dada, ek aur layer touch up kar do please‘. Well she did manage to get part of it right, afterall the ozone layer does work like a concealer against the UV radiation if you figuratively talk about the face of the earth.

Not wanting to be left out the Gujjar agitation and Maoist movement both tried to get a piece of this cake by claiming that it was God’s way to punish the ones who have being treating them as downtrodden and devoid of any basic rights. We even tried to get some bites from other minorities demanding reservations and the communists who are also a political minoritythe communists who are also a political minority, only to be met with finger-on-the-lips. Glad to know that silence is golden in atleast some places, especially when you have women dancing and serving alcohol! Going to the south, Ram Sene chief Pramod Muthalik accused global warming of being a western phenomenon and was a side effect of the MTV culture. To his point, there was no such thing in the early days when women did not send their pink chaddies via courier! The DMK supremo spent no time in attacking the theory of Lord Rama, and chose to call it a cheap publicity stunt. ‘Chennai is so hot and we could do with some cool seawater, if not for this Ram and his stupid monkey bridge, we’d have happily bathed in the tsunami! Thereby no water problems, no large lines for the thanni lorry and the only thing that can cause warming are our hot, heavy and buxom heroines okay va‘. Last heard, the great yoga-guru who has been converting mansions around the world into yoga center offered to get rid of global warming and climatic change via a set of asanas he devised. Oh well if rhythmic breathing or pranayama can make gay people straight, then what is climate change after all!

PS: It goes without saying but I’ll still say it, you are free to believe any of the above. Just don’t come looking for me!

PPS: Title inspired by this evergreen Md.Rafi song.

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Balance the equation

maxdavinci — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 15:42:44 +0000

After a few posts of southie balderdash that got nobody’s attention and almost had people taking us of their blogrolls, I’m back! Yes bhaiyon aur unke behenon, This is Munna Mobile bringing you news that you cannot use from our secret bunker in the hinterlands. The title of this post may seem out of place but then we have a knack of picking the weirdest titles and that is atleast one thing we are darn good at. Balancing an equation is something you learn in a school math class while solving for ‘x’. You either multiply or divide on both sides to cancel out the denominator while dealing with fractions. The same concept carried out into chemistry class years later if you remember. Now that we’ve got that theoretical bullcrap and you’re still reeling under this heavy first para trying to figure out what this is all about.

He is you. Your opposite; your negative. The result of the equation trying to balance itself out.

The Matrix Revolutions was on TV over the weekend and we just couldn’t help noticing a very memorable dialog was pointing us in the same direction. When the Oracle tells Neo that he and Smith are two sides of the same equation, she isn’t merely implying that he needs to kick some serious agent butt. There is hidden a very subtle yet important lesson that would need an extremely high degree of tactfulness to comprehend. That being the reason neither you or me seem to get it, but only a chosen few can. Our resident philosopher, tells us that even life and nature has it’s own way to balance out effects and incidents. We are not just assuming this based on his immense wit and knowledge, but because we’ve seen hundreds of total-duds go out with super-solid-ladeej. Don’t tell me you haven’t run into a couple and wondered how in the world did they end up being together? We often tend to envy someone for their looks, be it spotless skin and long flowing tresses for women or perfectly chiseled torsos and strong abs for men. All this until they begin to speak, bang at that moment God decides to have some fun and out comes the worst gobbledygook you’ve heard! Yet people like Arbaaz Khan make you question the existence of God for having landed hot as hell like the sultry Malaika!

Mayawati or behenji as she likes to be addressed as was on a statue building spree before being pulled up by the supreme court. Now so-called great
leaders
with over-sized ego’sso-called great leaders with over-sized ego’s, love making statues of themselves while they are alive. Our guess is that carrying mothers are supposed to gaze and fantasize at these statues everyday and beget children as brilliant as these leaders. Generally governments erect statues in memory of deceased leaders to remind people of their glorious past. However self-erecting leaders(pun unintended) for sure know that their statues will never be erected and hence take things into their own hands(again pun unintended). The thing with statues is that they are huge and hence cost a fortune, you could feed all the elephants in a summer camp in Kerala. Now imagine what a hundred of these could do, that would mean feeding all the elephants in Bali & Thailand!

When you have pilferage of funds with a gigantic degree of monstrosity, how on earth do you try to neutralize it? Well the answer lies with their partner in crime coalition, the Indian National Congress party. Madamji or should I say the UPA Govt announced austerity measures and have everyone fall in tow. So what would generally be a 30min wait at airports to board a flight got moved ahead to extended pre-boarding lasting close to 90minspre-boarding lasting close to 90mins. Our sources tell us that some of the plush airports are considering the option of multiplex-screens to engage passengers while the palteeshans and bureaucrats board the flights with all their paraphernalia! A few airline operators also tried catching the austerity wave, only to have their pilots striking, fist-fighting and a lot more. A flight attendant who wish to remain anonymous revealed to us that they were so enraged by the MEA calling it cattle-class, that they let in rats as a sign to symbolically show how passengers actually treated like sewer rats and not like Ongole Oxen!

Passengers at train stations are not so lucky but our sources in the Rail Ministry tell us that platforms are going to be extended by a kilometer on
either sideextended by a kilometer on either side thereby giving people some breathing space. Not sure if it is the mishti doi they now get for breakfast daily at work, because even having 10km long platforms will do no good as long as the trains remain the same size. They could however be used for challenges of ’Khatron ke Khiladi‘ or maybe even if they wanted to do a Ghulam-2. A close associate of the minister however told us that they plan to promote cultural dance forms in the trains between stations. What a brilliant idea to increase the number of suffocated beings on the platform when the attempt was in fact to assuage the deluge of security. Apart from airlifting jeeps and delaying trains even more, we wonder how much the govt has really managed to save other than throw travel out of rhythm for the aam-admi.

Our guess is that the reason officials chose to talk off the record with us, was because they probably feared opening a purushottams box and the backlash that may follow. We shall bring you more news that you can’t use soon, but till then we’ll let the marathas entertain you with their political gimmicks!

(Images Courtesy: ew,mikeblaber)

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Review: Wake up Sid – A Boy, not a Man

maxdavinci — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 03:18:31 +0000

The weekends are getting better with better stuff to look forward to at the cinemas on Friday evenings. While not the best to hit the screens this year, Wake up Sid still makes the cut especially taking into account the production house it belongs to. Dharma Productions brings us another hip and trendy enjoyable fare that is devoid any family melodrama, palatial mansions, sherwanis and the great flapping albatross a.k.a SRK! A lot has been already said bout the South Bombay lifestyle with slacker kids aimlessly shelling their fathers credit cards. Playing tribute to a genre
resuscitated
by Farhan Akthara genre resuscitated by Farhan Akthar, Wake up Sid barely shows anyone in a remote struggle with life. A decent soundtrack, no over-the-top acting by Konkona Sen, Anupam Kher and some great visuals make it a winner despite the multiple attempts of Ranbir Kapoor to put up just one expression that even beats zoolander! Supriya Pathak evokes a lot of warmth in the limited screen time she gets that makes you wonder why Kirron Kher keeps getting those mommy roles over and over again! Apart from being horrendously predictable, getting Rahul Khanna to patent loser roles, Kashmira Shah making an omlette in those saucy thighs of hers, Wake up Sid is yet watchable.

Have you ever worn tees with prints of Dick Dastardly, Beavis & Butthead, Scooby Doo, or any other groovy Hanna Barbara toons! Have you ever had the audacity to carry off such prints and set a trend of your own rather than follow it?

Have you ever walked into an elevator full of office goers fully clothed in formals while your tee has a funny message emblazoned across the chest and you’re head is still trying to recollect the chain of events from last night. Ever wondered what goes in the minds of your lift mates to see you?

Do you ever feel the urge to cuddle up in a bed with spongebob sheets, run around in bunny printed boxers, never leave home without your daffy duck towel or just strut around in multi-colored socks? Ever wondered how gawdy things could also become fashion?

Ever waded through the sea of students on results day at school only for parallax errors to haunt your vision as you try to add up marks in a horizontal line. Ever failed in multiple papers only to realize your friends sailed through and having to face your parents angst?

Ever felt confused bout what you were going to do in life and believing in living only for one wild night at a time. Anyone know what it feels to live in a cocoon all your years hidden from the harsh reality of life only to have it thrust in your face one day?

Know how it feels to walk into an office without the slightest idea of what you’re going to do, and whiling away your time just because you have to and are compelled to do so? Ever found your calling elsewhere with a fire in your belly urging you to do something else?

Know how it feels to land in an unknown city all by yourself, away from home and bootstrap life right form finding a place to live, to cooking your first meal? Ever stared at an egg for hours hoping the warmth of your hands would miraculously cook it? Ever sat on an empty stomach all day cursing your inability to turn raw vegetables to anything remotely edible, waiting helplessly for someone to feed you out of empathy?

Ever had Spiderman and Superman adorn adorn your walls and the Justice League occupy your desktop wallpaper at an age when most of your friends are fantasizing scantily clad women? Ever had subscriptions of Marvel comics pile up on your study table with a few first-editions safely stashed away in their original plastic?

Ever felt the dying urge to land yourself a job and stand on your own toes to get counted and feel independent. Know how it feels to see an offer letter and hear the crackle of crisp notes debited out of your first paycheck? That first purchase, the first treat, the first apartment and all the firsts that come with it?

Ever been asked to grow up, seem a lot more matured and act to one’s age? Ever been tired of being called a kid and repeatedly proving yourself to everyone who does? Know what it feels to see the world forcibly pulling you out of your slumber and egging you to wake up?

If you answer ‘yes’ to atleast a couple of the above questions, then it’s a good enough reason to haul yourselves to a cinema hall to watch ‘Wake up Sid’. Actually go watch it even if the answer is ‘No’, for it may be worth it for all you know!

Image Courtesy: nowrunning.com)

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It’s Powerpuff time again!

maxdavinci — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 04:07:32 +0000

Bhaktas, This is Baba Bangali and on behalf of everyone at Dappan Koothu, I take this opportunity to wish all our readers a very happy Vijaya Dasami. The scoop I did last year for the occasion was highly popular and I was looking for ways to repeat the same this year as well. Being highly connected in the world above gives me an all-access pass to get chatty with almost anyone I wish to. This time round we decided to get all the first ladies covered in one post. A host of questions were darting across my mind as I was making my way to our rendezvous point. Dee, Lux and Saras as I often call them, had already reached and were squabbling amongst themselves. Any great man will tell you that when you see an angry woman, the best you do is to shut up. So when the number is tripled, it is best to be invisible or better hide and observe. Lux and Saras were taking Dee to task for her exponentially growing popularity during the nine day festival. Read on to see what happened and the events as they unfolded.

“Enna Di, this is too much only these days, Navratri seems to be a solely Durga affair only“, bickered a normally calm Saras. The fact that she and Lux had smaller pandal idols when compared to the gargantuan idols that Dee enjoyed, was getting to her. “Oye respect kothai?Oye respect kothai? You girls better show me some respect and not your madrasi po-da po-di lingo. It’s not my fault that these people commemorate my nine-day battle with the bull-demon, after all I did save the day you know!” Dee was obviously beaming for she had just returned from savoring the pujo offerings as part of the nobhomi anjali at pandals all over. “Hun tamare mate shu karu, atleast one day is reserved for you when the kids put away their books and write your name in rice“, groaned a visibly upset Lux in her strong gujju accent bringing back memories of Ketaki Dave. Her angst was justified for atleast in the south the custom of vidyarambham was pretty famous wherein books were worshiped on Mahanavami as a symbolic reference to the godess of wisdom.

“I can sense your anger akka and relate to how you are feeling about this as well“, said Saras as she tried to comfort Lux. “Guess we need to hire some good publicists or atleast a PR agent. Hun kone
sampark karu?Hun kone sampark karu? Some avant grade image building is required to woo the bhaktas our way, else Dee is going to enjoy prime position year after year“. Lux was contemplating extreme measures to counter her dwindling popularity, more so since the new generation was oblivious to the goodness for the works like Amar Chitra katha etc. “Seriya chonne akka, I don’t have any temples dedicated to me as well, except for a handful. The only time these kids are reminded of my existence is when they recite the school prayer“, wailed a visibly angry Saras. The poor thing was pretty blind the the ultra-modern school systems these days where the morning prayers are more or rather general so as to steer clear of accusations of appeasing certain gods. In a bid to stay away from the secular forces, all you hear these days in schools is the ‘Humko mann ki shakti dena‘ type songs. There are some schools that make sanskrit a compulsory subject and open on Vijaya Dasami day thereby symbolically showing over-enthusiastic parents how they are guarding our culture.

“Tumi ki chai? That I give up everything? I can share the food with you girls if you want, that’s the most I can do“, gleamed Dee who was now disturbed by the motives of her fellow first ladies. “Oooi ma! Tumi
kotha theke
asecho, BabaOooi ma! Tumi kotha theke asecho, Baba” She shrieked as she finally found me hiding behind the huge shami tree. “Ada Paavi, you’ve been eavesdropping on us all this while. Didnt your mommy not teach you any manners or atleast the courtesy to not eavesdrop when women gossip“, quipped Saras. “Tamey kem cho Baba, weren’t you supposed to be here a while ago? Anyways you seem to be the right person to solve our dilemma“, Lux spotted the opportunity to bring me onto her side and wasted no time with it. “My apologies my lovely ladies but I was just trying to avoid getting caught in the crossfire. Pray do tell me how this humble servant of yours can be of any assistance“, I tried playing my most innocent card. “You see myself and Lux akka are miffed that Dee akka gets all the spoils for the nine day festival. We think we need to give our images a makeover“, rattled the Goddess of wisdom. “Ah a makeover, so you want to appeal the the youth of the nation I see. Giving them something that they can more relate to will make more sense and I concur“, that seemed quite logical to me to keep up with the changing times.

“I like the idea, let me start by trading my lotus for a more posh La-Z-Boy recliner, that will make me groovy wouldn’t it?that will make me groovy wouldn’t it?“, Lux was bloating with enthusiasm on her smart choice of furniture. “Tomake ki bola geche, your place is as your patidev’s feet only. You either seat yourself on a lotus or pressing your hubby’s feet on a coiled up giant serpent. OK let me go ahead and say it, you are the most celebrated masseuse in Indian mythology. Kids these days like women who are independent and hold their own more like me you see!“, Dee was on a roll as she pwned Lux. We all know how angry Dee can get for even the strongest of gods considering bowing to her as the smartest thing to do. She definitely wins points on the independent and cool index, leaving poor Lux to sulk. It’s true, these days with all the new confident woman of today, you have people who would earlier yell at your from the kitchen, do the same in a war-room over death by powerpoint! Not to sound to MSPish, but then its the new avtaar and the best way to maintain peace is for us to suck up to them! I’m pretty sure that someone was in his senses when he said, If you can’t fight them you better join them!

“Apdina I should replace my Veena with a Gibson EDS-1275 and play ‘Stairway to heaven‘, that will win me plenty of groupiesthat will win me plenty of groupies!“, Saras was getting all creative as she was harboring thoughts of creating a metal band called Bramha’s Vengeance!. I wondered how Saras and her metal band would look with their spiked hair and weird gothic tattoos. For a minute the visual of her standing on a ledge singing ‘Bring me to life‘ briefly floated in my head as well, only to pinch myself and come back to reality. Dee who was quite amused by the conversation, pitched in with her own suggestions for a makeover. “Maybe I should let go of my faithful Lion and get myself one of those speedy ‘Harley Davidson – Dyna superglides‘. Imagine how cool that would be to worship a biker-chick zipping through the streets and fighting demons and amar hathe kato gulo laser guns aache“. Well you know how women tend to get carried away with their non stop prattle and it was wise to let them go on with their gossip and make a move. Well that was surely fun and I shall be back for more next time, till then…………..

PS: Some liberties have been taken with the languages, so kindly adjust. Galti se kabhi kabhi bymistake ho jata hain!

PPS: We aren’t accepting any applications to try out for Bramha’s Vengeance, either contact Himesh Reshammiya or Anu Malik!

(Image courtesy: caminhodomeio)

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Review: Dil Bole Hadippa – Balle Balle Overdose

maxdavinci — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 03:01:44 +0000

This Friday I pinged a friend to inquire if he wanted to catch a movie in the evening. Even before I could tell him the name of the movie, pat came a reply from him. ‘Dil Bole Hadippa?, sure man I heard Rani looks ekdum great!‘. Yea I know what you are thinking, and that is the kind of friends I have. Someone once remarked that a man is known by the friends he keeps. If that is to be believed, then by now you must be having quite an idea of the type I am. The movie in questions was however ‘Unnaipol Oruvan/Eenadu‘ which we did eventually watch, but it kept bugging me all night of how someone could name Rani Mukherjee ahead of Kamal Haasan! It is actually sacrilege to even mention the two in the same sentence unless you are Bong, where in you will accuse the Bombaywallahs of hiring anorexic heroines these days. Jut like how picking Dravid back in the ODI squad was a ploy to keep Ganguly away and the Knight Riders lost the IPL on purpose to push the Prince of Kolkata further into darkness. The same people after a few drinks, will also tell you of how the madarasi ARR ka music is a conspiracy to drive the youth away from Rabindra sangeet.

I’ll stop with the Bong slander, for we can’t afford to drive away the lovely Bongs from an already dwindling readership. As part of ‘mere paapon
ka prayashchitmere paapon ka prayashchit‘ so that the Bong forgive me, I did watch the latest in balle-balle-porn from the YashRaj stables. It’s not that I have anything against the nations biggest production house, and I have thoroughly enjoyed some of their movies. It is however very hard to think of the last YRF film that was devoid the words ‘soniyo, mar jawa,kudi dil le gayi, pind da shera, paji tussi great ho‘ you get the drift. The punjabis are the most colorful people of all, have huge hearts, known for their hospitality and loud culture. Nothing but respect, but things go awry when it goes overboard. I may be able to speak many languages and thanks to YRF, I can add punjabi to the list. I guess a lost of us in the past 10yrs have been exposed to heavy doses of punjabiness that we could never get lost in Amritsar even without ever setting foot before. It’s not like we had no idea of it before we made the conscious decision to watch the movie, especially give the title and posters. Our motivation being the fact that the last sports-based film from the YRF house was a winner. This will be the second cricket-based film of the year, and we sure do remember how the first fared. Also the fact that such stories are generally inspirational and have rank outsiders face their demons to snatch victory. The much hyped woman-in-a-mans role was also a major factor, born out of the sheer curiosity to see how this formula is executed.

When you want the audience to empathize with your sports persons, you have to back it up with a strong character back story to show the against-all-odds journey to victory. Dilip Tahil and Anupam Kher are cricket-crazy friends on either side of the border who gather teams to play an annual friendly game of cricket. I know it already sounds cheesy, but then this is only the beginning because the Pakistan team reigns supreme for nine years continuously. Unable to bear the taste of defeat, Kher sends for his estranged son in England to form a team and win back the cup. The interesting part however is Rani as an ambidextrous swashbuckling batswoman who places bets on herself to clear the ropes six times in a row. Unable to make it to the Amritsar team, she joins the team as a bhajji-impersonator. Not before swearing by the grace of Sachin-paaji and cavorting in a song with a scantily clad Rakhi Sawant. There is also the ravishing barely clothed Sherlyn Chopra prancing around, in case you felt the Rakhi skin-show wasn’t enough. Shahid however only falls for the sarson-ke-khetwali pind-ki-kudi Rani not before walking into her in a shower and mouthing a few lines about bharatiya naari etc. If you managed to miss the flesh-display third time in a row, then you are better off asking your guard-dog to escort you out of the cinema hall.

For those still reading, we have a case of multiple identities with Ranisaurus-Rex managing dual rolesRanisaurus-Rex managing dual roles while belting the ball out of the park during the practice sessions and dating her captain later in the day. Our sources tell us that she even auditioned for a role in Jurrasic Park 3, but was turned down and instead acted in Ghulam. It is rumored that while Bhajji was wrecking havoc in Sri Lanka, people were how good a Rani impersonator he was and whether it was viral advertising by the makers of the film instead. What are the chances that bhajji takes a 5-wkt haul and a film revolving around a strikingly similar sardar cricketer, both make the news in the same week? We aren’t against sports-based movies for we feel they have tremendous scope in a cricket crazy nation like ours. However when you tell us that the last batting pair scores 165 runs in under 10 overs, it get a bit too hard to believe. This includes even the front benchers in single screen cinemas who are still reeling under the effects of our triple skin-show. You are reminded of Peter Pan when you see Rani-sardar with a broken right hand hobble to take strike for the last two balls. Even the denizens of Neverland nor Kevin Pietersen can fathom what happens next as Dhoni suddenly becomes a Yuvraj Singh! Who am I kidding, you’ve lost hope long ago and by now are just counting the number of people wearing blue in the theatre. For those awake, the skulduggery doesn’t end as it is revealed who Rani really is and the player cry foul. What follows is something you have to watch the movie for only then can you believe it, no really!

Images Courtesy: Indiaglitz)

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From Alappuzha With Love – Part 2

maxdavinci — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 23:58:49 +0000

Continued from Part 1

Pand returns to his hotel room to find Pankajam spread like an eagle on his bed in a very enticing position. She takes it upon herself to personally take Pand out of the way and invites him to spend the night with her saying, “I hope you’re not ready for this“. The gentleman he is, daabal-sevan-woh misinterprets Pankajam and is irked by the casteism in her statement. Much to her despair he proclaims “Sorry madam but I was born Reddy“, and reluctantly trudges to spend the night on the couch in Baby’s room. The next morning Pand meets Ganesan under the guise of Ouseph Chacko, to whom Ganesan was to hand over the artifact. Call it an occupational hazard or force of habit but Pand introduces himself as “Hello my lady. My name is Pand, JMS Pand“. An alarmed Ganesan smells a rat and darts towards the door making her escape being chased by Pand. The two are followed by an unknown man and Parameswaran who had been keeping watch over Ganesan all the while. Pand’s portly stature is unable to keep up with Ganesan while the unknown man catches up and demands her to hand over the artifact. Just as he is about to use force, the unknown man is shot form a distance by Parameswaran.

A badly palpitating Pand reaches the scene to find Ganesan with a dead body at her feet. He yells “Who killed him?”, to which a startled Ganesan replies, “Oh it’s you“. Pand again misinterprets it and orders Baby to search for
any
Tibetan sweater/jacket sellersearch for any Tibetan sweater/jacket seller named “Yu/Yeoh“. Having round up over a dozen hawkers and failing to extract any useful information from them, Pand and Baby once again decide to start afresh by following Ganesan. Information from their sources takes them aboard the Guruvayoor Express where Parameswaran meets Ganesan posing to be Peter Aruldoss. Now Peter Aruldoss was the unknown man who as shot by Parameswaran, he was sent by the Tamil Nadu government to retrieve the stolen artifact and foil P.A.T.T.A.R’s evil plans. With a coach full of Sabarimala pilgrims, Baby moves to the open door to have a smoke so as not to cause any inconvenience. Pand offers him a light only to accidentally pat him on the back later. A startled Kutty falls to his death leaving the bumbling JMS Pand with the pack of Charminar cigarettes he was smoking. Pand goes over to check on Ganesan only to find her drugged by Aruldoss(Chacko) who is now rummaging through her luggage. Pand mistakes him for being the real Aruldoss and proceeds to help him looking for the artifact assuming that he is indirectly helping the TN Govt, and thereby the mission.

Pand notices Peter’s bundle of ‘Malabar beedi‘ and it immediately strikes him that no Tamizhan in his sane mind would pucker up to some mallu tobacco. Parameswaran masquerading as Peter, now realizes that his cover might be blown and Points a gun at Pand. Parameswaran boasts of how P.A.T.T.A.R has been playing so far and tricking the two governments against each other and how the silly Ms.Ganesan thinks she is doing art restoration but instead working for P.A.T.T.A.R! Pand tries to back away, but trips over Ganesan and lands on Parameswaran who suffocates under the weight and passes out. Ayer-No-1 is not happy with the failure of the mission and reminds Pankajam that failure is a word they don’t tolerate at P.A.T.T.A.R. Pankajam requests one last chance. She disguises herself as a pickle seller and boards the train with a bag full of thokku, avakaya and pachadisthokku, avakaya and pachadis with a semi-automatic hid under the folds of her saree. She enters the compartment where Pand is getting Ganesan upto speed with the situation and spreads her wares. The aroma of Gongura Pachadi may be revolting to some, but a true Telugu would choose a bottle of Gongura pachadi over his wife as well. This lapse in concentration is enough for Pankajam to snatch the suitcase and hold the duo at gunpoint, while Pand kicks himself in the butt for giving into a woman selling Gongura pachadi in Thrissur!

Inside the suitcase along with the artifact wrapped in plastic is a small plastic box with ‘Do not open’ plastered upon it. Unable to curb her curiosity, Pankajam opens it only for spicy mango-avakaya explode in her face to leave her incapacitated. Little did she realize that no Telugu ever leaves home without a packet of chutney-podi and a bottle of their staple mango-avakaya. It was her bad luck that the tightly sealed box developed a vacuum inside with the oil and the heat of Kerala, and hence exploded in Pankajam’s face. Pand takes the artifact from her and along with ms.Ganesan leaves her with his most famous line to make up for the bedroom mishap. The words ‘Madam, I may be born Reddy, but I am always ready‘ ring in the compartment as Pand dials headquarters to let them know that the package is safe. Ayer-No-1 goes back to sulking and plotting the next move for P.A.T.T.A.R in their bid for statewide domination. With the artifact delivered and the case closed, Pand escorts Ganesan to Chennai not before a stop over at the Madurai Meenakshi temple and some PG-13 stuff that can’t be mentioned. Until next time, JMS Pand will be back!

PS: Might seem like a few characters too many. but with the plot going that way, chalega lite.

PPS: Mallus, Telugus will get most of the references, future adventures in the series will not be this regional

——————Epilogue: Brief Character bios(for the confused)——————

JMS Pand: Secret agent working for the AP Govt special covert ops(APCO)

Vani Ganesan: Silly librarian with access to documents and state archives of TN, brainwashed to steal the artifact

Baby Kutty Naidu: Undercover APCO agent in Kerala, with mallu and telugu roots

Ayer-No-1: Heads the evil organization P.A.T.T.A.R that wants to regin supreme and avenge humiliation by the tamils

Loo Sastry: Chief of APCO

Ouseph Chacko: Special officer of the Kerala police appointed to make the switch.

Parameswaran: IISc graduate and P.A.T.T.A.R agent sent to ensure success of the mission

Pankajam: Erstwhile museum curator and now right-hand to Ayer-No-1 at P.A.T.T.A.R

Peter Aruldoss: CID officer from TN sent to retrieve the stolen artifact.

(Image Courtesy: boston.com)

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From Alappuzha With Love – Part 1

maxdavinci — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 02:23:04 +0000

It’s another cold winterly night in Hyderabad as our man daabal-sevan-woh struts down a dark alley. As he passes a homeless guy sleeping on a bundle of Deccan Chronicle editions, the streetlight flickers frantically and goes out. From the shadows the homeless man springs up and swiftly begins following our man into the darkness. After a few paces he catches up and very swiftly pulls out a string from his pocket. Fans of the popular game Metal Gear Solid would know the importance of stealth and even before daabal-sevan-woh can twitch, he is strangulated. Just as you begin to doubt the absurdity of the situation, the homeless guy tugs at daabal-sevan-woh’s ear and rips apart his wig to reveal the impostor. Just then the streetlight stops flickering and lights up the whole street like a flash of lightning as a cat clambers on a trashcan. Out of nowhere, in true John Woo style, a flock of white doves flutter across the homeless guy who now pulls out his mask to reveal who he really is. The real daabal-sevan-woh shows himself from under the stinky garb and stands under the streetlight as a gentle breeze blows across his handlebar mustache and pot belly.

Jandhyala Martanda Srinivasa Panduranga Reddy a.k.a JMS Pand, codename daabal-sevan-woh(770) was one of the best agents in the special officers fleet at Andhra Police for covert operations(APCO). Being a beat constable and then a traffic cop contributed to the street-smartness and pot belly of Inspector Pand who was later inducted to be amongst the best of the best of the best. Pinpointing the location of a handcart in any corner of the city plainly based on the smell, texture and taste of their pani-puris and samosa-chaats were tribute to his amazing gastroentric strengths. He could smell a hot crispy jalebi left at the crime scene and trace it to the kitchen it was made in any nook and corner. Having watched midnight-masala movies in an array of languages made him a super linguist while interrogating suspects, where as flashing his hairy man-boobs and prancing around with his thunder thighs would make even the most sinister criminals to cough up the truth.

Padmanabhan Iyer a.k.a Ayer-No-1, a rogue IAS officer and P.A.T.T.A.R mastermind has devised a plot to steal an ancient document from the Tamil Nadu Government archives and sell it to Kerala while framing Andhra Pradesh for it. The artifact in question holds the key
to
the origin
of Iyers,the key to the origin of Iyers, and states that the Palakkad Iyers were infact the first and rightful heirs to the Iyer clan. As opposed to common belief that they were banished from the land of Tamils and sought refuge in God’s own country, the inscription could however prove that Iyers truly originated from Palakkad instead. Framing the Telugus would be the easiest for they have often ridiculed in college-campuses as gulti/golti and with this trend reaching foreign shores, the sons of the Telugu-Talli have been seeking revenge for ages. This almost fool-proof plan would have two of the most powerful states in the south going at each other, thereby crowning the mallu film industry as the powerhouse of the South. Pankajam, a former museum curator is hired to carry out the operation who manages to brainwash the librarian of the Tamil Nadu State Library, Vani Ganesan into believing that she is on a secret restoration process. Pankajam assigns Parameswaran, an IISc graduate to stalk Ganesan and ensure smooth hand over of the package.

In Banjara Hills the cheif of APCO, Anjaneyulu Sastry a.k.a ‘Loo’ is ambling down the aisles of the headquarters restlessly. APCO has learnt that the Malabar Police has been contacted by Ms.Ganesan wanting to sneak the artifact for restoration. Fearing that the blame will be thrust upon the Andhra Government in a bid to humiliate the Tamils, Loo summons Pand to intercept the transferLoo summons Pand to intercept the transfer and steal the artifact at the Thrissur Pooram festival where the switch is believed to be made. Pand travels to Kochi to meet APCO undercover agent, Baby Kutty Naidu who thanks to his maternal Nair genes operates a couple of fishing trawlers and moonlights working on cases for the APCO as well. At the airport, Pand is followed by a Kerala special agent, Ouseph Chacko for the mallus by now have sensed that their mission might be in some danger. Baby immediately recognizes Ouseph and whisks Pand away to a Mohiniyattam recital.

As Pand briefs him of his mission and is made aware of the follower, Baby pays a dancer to schmooze Ouseph follows them to the recital as well. Realising that he may be set up, Ouseph calls for backup and chases the fleeing duo who disappear backstage. Dressed as Kathakali dancers Kutty and Pand try to getaway just when the ill-fitting heavy headgear blinds Pand. Unable to see where he is going, Pand trips and rams into a wall knocking the daylights out of him. While Baby escapes, Ouseph catches up with Pand, a fistfight ensures where Ouseph has a got at Pand liek a punching bag. Aggression gets the better of him as Ouseph accidentally chews off a piece of Pand’s make up. A blinded an woozy Pand unknowingly stamps Ouseph’s foot and in a knee-jerk reaction, Ouseph chokes on the piece he swallowed and falls cold.

PS: Some references might be too mallu/tambram heavy, but then it’s part of the plot.

PPS: The title is our own way of paying tribute to one of the best characters ever created on screen.

(To be concluded in Part-2)

(Image Courtesy: olegvolk)

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Ekadantaya Dheemahi

maxdavinci — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 00:40:03 +0000

Bhaktas, This is Baba Bangali bringing you yet another spicy interview with my drinking buddy and fellow food lover Gunny Bops. He was here last year and has obliged to drop in this time as well. All is not well in the world and not much has improved since last year, new diseases, scandals and controversies have not made it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race. Last time around we spoke about pandals, corruption and all the commercialization surrounding the festival. This time however we’re up wit some sensitive issues while still being our naughty self. Join me in a tete-a-tete with the guy who invented obstacle courses and is hence revered as the God of obstacles. It’s time to put on the journalist hat as we discuss strange deaths of pop icons, airport haggles, controversial books and how man contracted fever from pigs. We managed to grab him last time as he was on his way back, and we’ve done the same time time as well.

BB: Oh Gunny Bops welcome to Dappan Koothu once again. Pray may I ask, why are you wearing a mask?

GB: Let’s go easy on the name calling shall we Baba. Also with this pig fever in the air, mommy doesn’t want me to take any chances.

BB: So the news has reached the whitehouse eh? Since when did you get petrified of diseases like us mortals?

GB: Just don’t want to be taking any risks that’s all. You humans don’t spare even animals and then let their illness mutate with other viruses in the human body. What results in is global panic and epidemic alerts everywhere. Do you realize more people die due to illness, hunger, accidents and other calamities daily that his pig fever of yours has claimed in a month.

BB: Your smart wit and intelligence never fail to surprise me. I see you are one of those who like to make observations like these and smirk in delight on the weight of their comments assuming to be the first to discover the silly statistic. How about you go tell this to your buddy Indra so that the denizens of Indralok don’t go running like headless chicken the next time some demon king launches an attack. As per your logic more people would have died in the impending war anyways so why panic and run amok! Indralok reminds me, how is our boy mai-ka-laal jaikishen doing, has he taught Indra’s damsels the moonwalk yet?

GB: Ah the misunderstood genius, I hear he’s been telling people of the ways they make him feel these days. You people may disagree but then like they say all things come in a package and his negatives seemed to outweigh his positives. But then he had overstayed his welcome and his legacy is unparalleled so let’s just leave it there. What grabs my attention is that I hear your people are being ruffled up at airports, so now you know how it feels to be humiliated for logistics problems with transportation!

BB: Haha how nothing seems to get past you Gunny Bops, well it’s true famed persons are getting frisked for their surnames. Why the concern you may ask, well you see we are so used to being treated royally since the ages of kings. It continues even today and the elite always get preferred service and breeze through checks and formalities. I guess we are ourselves responsible for putting them on a pedestal and worshiping like demi-gods.

GB: Well I can’t complain can I! My entry every year is heralded with processions, flowers, chants and incense. Thereafter for a week to ten days, I am treated with utmost royalty and fed with the choicest sweets in pure desi ghee as thousands come to see me of course for their material gains. Its always a school/college admission, exam tension, office promotion or an impending wedding in the family. Ah they don’t call me the remover of obstacles for nothing so I guess the business model works fine. I can possibly remove them all except animosity between warring nations. You people seem to be doing a darn good job at it though by singing praise to leaders on the other side of the border.

BB: Ah you cheeky pachyderm, never miss a chance to put me in a spot do you. Occupational hazard I guess, but there lies the irony. If you asked someone during the wars or the partition if someone would acknowledge the intent leave alone sing praise to a leader from the Land of the Pure, they’d tell you that the remotest chance of that happening would be when pigs flew. Since since pigs have very prevelantly been flying in your stronghold in Pune where the epicenter has been traced to, this was expected.

GB: Now don’t you try to pull a fast one with your favorite past-time of connecting the dots, and drag me into this quagmire. You don’t kill a man who’s running toward a cliff and similarly when the party is on self-detonate mode, this just acts like a spark plug. With leaders defying authority and a mutiny amongst the ranks, wasn’t such a thing on the cards? You talk of the right to speech, freedom of expression and all that junk that looks good on talk shows in news studios. What you need though you may disagree at first is a strong whip, a force that can reign you in and restore order to the ranks. A leader needs to rise that others can look upto with a cool demeanor and calm visage. Like they did in the west, but then its not easy to unearth an overnight mein Obama !

BB: Well said G-Money, for now lets just say that this swine, flu over a cuckoos nest! Until next year lets just drink to that…

(Image Courtesy: Swami Stream)

PS: Previously published on DC

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Kasab Ka Samna

maxdavinci — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 01:36:31 +0000

While the nation is still reeling from the 62nd I-Day celebrations, reality shows do their desh bhakti specials, movie channels repeatedly cycle screening Roja, Dil Se and Rang De Basanti, we are inundated by tweets and SMSes that are supposed to fill us with patriotic fervor. We don’t wear our patriotism on our sleeve but we pin it to our chests, try to mumble the national anthem while hoping not to sing out of tune. Soccer fans and junta that love to wear designer kurtas and watch only Guy Ritchie/Tarantino films will even place their palm over their heart, our guess is that its symbolic to suggest hat their heart is in the right place. While in the west they not only strut in their desi attire to sing the anthem and cheer a parade, but also gorge on samosas/chat and watch their kids dance to songs from the above mentioned movies while their wives bargain over rubies at a gems stall. Freedom means many things to people and for some it may be just another day when they take out the laundry and watch a matinee movie with some chips and popcorn after a heavy desi buffet of course. After a brief sabbatical while you were bored with silly louw stories, this is Munna Mobile reporting once again from the bunker, bringing you news that you cannot use. With the Baba’s blessings and pulling a few strings(loosening purse strings actually), we finally managed to get talky talky with the man who has hogged the headlines more than Megan Fox this year, well atleast in India. Yes we boldly got to go where even India TV has not gone before and bring you Ajmal Kasab! Howzzat for sansani khez khabhar? Plus this ain’t Janta/Aap ki Adalat but Kasab was subject to DappanKoothu’s very own polyphonic arachnophobic narcolytic and iskimakiphonic tests.

AK: aadha barse

MM: poora barse

AK: eh? Not sure but if you understood, this isn’t about he rains, though I could use some help with the water seeping from the ceiling due to the showers, and oh my potty is also clogged!

MM: Oh well I’m not who you think. I write for a blog that nobody reads and its about news that is of no use. Looks like we began at the wrong end of the TP roll, so let’s flush this issue for now shall we? Since we’re talking of the rear, some prisoners have been keeping away from your for they don’t wish to be caught back-door-entryfying a juvenile. So for the record, would you mind wiping the multiple ages stated?

AK: Bhag daud mantri? manje kai? From where I come we don’t grow beyond a certain age we choose to. You must have got an indicator from our superstar cricketeer Shahid baal-ki-dukan Afridi who is still only 21 despite having played for over 10yrs.

MM: Aila! deva re deva, ani uttam marathi bolto mulga, seems like you’ve picked it up from the guards. Speaking of which reminds me that you are one of the fortunate few to conduct their business over video conferencing, this has so far been reserved only to a certain CEO-type-ke-CMs and Cisco ads. How does that feel?

AK: The reception was spotty, we had better ones with satellite uplink on our trawler as we took order from our chief. Blame it on the searing heat, faulty network cables or the kerosene powered generators it was running on. So if I’m in the news long enough, will they make a statue out of me and then a CM as well?

MM: I’d rather not comment on your chances in politics, but you’ve got your facts wrong. You first represent a minority community and act like you really care for the destitutes. You then malign your rivals and ride the sympathy wave to take a majority of the votes and claim the throne. You then outnumber the borewells in your state with your own statues in poses that would make even Billy Bozo-the-clown Bowden cringe. It takes more than a five-year plan and hence you’re better of playing statue with the prison guards.

AK: OK it’s time for my meal. You see after my numerous tantrums like banging the utensils on the walls, the authorities seem to have given in and serve mutton biryani instead. This way I can not only get a chance to savour some meat and not the regular boring dal-chawal. it also establishes my child like innocence and hence no sentence and just a few years in a juvenile correction center!

MM: What seems weird is that at a time when even the great SRK gets picked up by airport security, morons like you roam scot-free and enter a star hotel like a worker-bee to a hive. Guess we need to be more stringent and cause inconvenience to guests face the trade off for compromising security.

AK: Who you calling a moron? Not even grandmasters plan so many moves ahead like we did with your blueprints and maps. Wearing an orange thread on my wrist helped , also you see how us muslims are targeted everywhere and singled out? That is exactly what we are fighting for, so that the whole world fears to raise a finger against our brethren. Who’s the moron now Munna?

MM: Well there was a time when even you changing into a kurta-pyjama to appear in court made the headlines. You hogged maximum newsprint after Megan Fox, but now swine flu is fast catching up in third place. I’d say it’s time for something new, like creating a ruckus for some pad-thai noodles or kung-pao chicken.

AK: Kaunsa gun, kiske forks? All I know is to brandish high-tech weaponry and go around creating mayhem like playing Doom with SPISPOPD. I have a high score of 166 yet they book me for entering a railway platform without a ticket. Enough is enough now, nobody wants to be my joru anymore, I can’t even get a rakhi!

MM: Well, Rakhi is now with Elesh not that it would make a difference had she been with you. I’d stick my neck out and assert that you’ll claim lineage to the Laden clan after spending a few days with her. It’s the equivalent of playing ‘Enter Sandman‘ on full blast in a carnatic music recital in Chennai. Heck even watching vids of Pardesiya or Mohobbat hain Mirchi can prove fatal, the govt is wasting way too much on your security and the trials. You should be allowed to feast your eyes on a nonstop loop of Rakhi Sawant youtube playlist projected on a 62inch prison wall. You’ll either die of wankerphobia or plead guilty to every crime in the city.

AK: She seems like a fiesty one from the looks of it, if only I could get some khushboo from the bazaars of Sialkot I’d have her eating out of my hands.

MM: Err, we’ll see who eats whom. She was after all a vishkanya and the men who copulated with a struggler like her, climaxed asphyxiated and struggling to breathe. That’s however your problem as long as you’re not talking about our ex-siren from the south. We love our buxom babes and they are strictly off limits for they remind us of Marilyn Monroe clones.

AK: You can keep your bovine beauties and pachydermal princesses to yourself. Allah will give me 72 virgins when I embark on my final journey. I’m even reading maganty’s book to see if some of those experiments can bee cooked up to escape blurting the truth in court. Little did I know that it has nothing to do with any of the above, I now use it to play book cricket with myself.

MM: Ah houri, the lovely eyed pure companions of modest gaze and a voluptuous body. Just like the kids in my building who tell me of la-la land where you can eat all the ice-cream you want, not do any homework and stay up way past ten-o-clock! Or is it like Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty? I guess we’ll never know for there comes the sentinel and my time here is almost up. Like the poker-faced Karan Thapar always says, A pleasure meeting you!

(Image Courtesy: Wikipedia)

PS: URL research stolen from Suhel, thnx buddy.

First published on Desicritics

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