Maximum Awesome

E3 2009: only read this after you’ve geeked out on positivity

One of this site's super top secret agents sent me pictures from E3. I was all set to post them. Then I got sick. In spring, right? I mean who gets sick in the spring? If it were swine flu...

American Idol Results: And The Winner Be…

After 19 week, 40 episodes, and more hours than I can recall without weeping uncontrollably, we are about to reach maximum safe distance from this show. At long last, Finale Night is upon us. Who will win? Will it be the glamorous lady with the shrieky voice, or will it be the kid who wandered on stage looking for a place to spend his Old Navy gift card? Hot or cold? Salt or pepper? Adam or Kris? Everybody has an opinion--including the very valid "I don't care." But if that were the case, you wouldn't be reading this. Would you? This is American Idol.

American Idol: The Big Ding-Dong

Flashbacks remind us that once upon a time, Adam Lambert and Kris Allen were two people nobody gave a shit about. In Olde Audition Tymes, Adam didn't wear eyeliner, while Kris sported an ill-conceived cabbie hat. Then they got famous. Kris embraced the cuteness. Adam embraced the Maybelline. I embraced the idea of tonight being the final night of performances. This is American Idol.

American Idol Results: 3 Become 2

Why in the name of Victor Von Doom is Ben Stiller on my TV? Worse, why is he talking to me? I know I'm not on medication and I gave up crack after that unfortunate Disney World incident. (The Pirates of the Caribbean are robots. Don't try to have sex with them. It hurts.) Is this really happening? Where's my show? Holy armpits, he's doing some kind of promotional skit to push that museum movie on us. Now there's a Saturday Night Live guy talking to me. And the fat kid from Superbad. And Agador Spartacus. I feel like Jodie Foster in The Accused. No means no! This is American Idol.

American Idol: All-Male Revue

"They have become heroes in their hometowns." Because next to war veterans, firefighters, and astronauts, amateur singers in a reality show competition are true, heroic pioneers. There's Danny Gokey, smiling like a cock until he realizes he's on camera, then he's straight-faced, Kris Allen, looking like he just wants to fucking sing already, and Adam Lambert, who should not be seen in close-up under any circumstance. Boundaries, people. Boundaries. And for what it's worth, tonight is the 300th episode. This is American Idol.

American Idol Results: 4 Become 3

Last night, we were slapped in the face by Rock Night, and boxed in the ears by Gokey's attempt at a Steve Tyler howl. Allison decided that 17 weeks into the season was a fine time to throw attitude at Simon. But he loved it. The kids sang duets. Gokey was less than thrilled to be paired with Kris, while Adam and Allison owned the stage. Also, the set tried to kill everybody before the show even started. If at first you don't succeed, etc., etc. This is American Idol.

American Idol: Slash and Burn

The herd of thirty-six has been thinned to four. Last week, someone poor sucker went home. Their sorry delusion of defeating Adam Lambert, shattered into bits. Was it Matt? I don't even remember. A year from now, I doubt I could tell you who was in the final four, except maybe for Kris Allen--and that's because he'll be sitting on my couch, feeding me Hershey's Kisses, and I can just ask him. This is American Idol.

Lucky Charms has Crystal Balls

Lucky Charms: The crystal ball marshmallows utilize a type of super top secret cryptography. Milk reveals the answer to your own conundrums should you posit potentially life changing questions to your breakfast cereal. This is confusing, of course, if your bowl has more than one crystal ball marshmallow, which it most certainly will.

Double Chocolate Cookie Crisp puzzle

I don't know what it is about Cookie Crisp that makes people want to shove more chocolate in it. Every year General Mills trots out another 10 or 12 boxes of Double Chocolate Cookie Crisp. I can't imagine they sell more than that.

Cocoa Krispies ChocoNilla

If you take Heaven, put Xanadu on top of that, and then stack Hyperborea on top of that, you’d have ChocoNilla.