Hey how’s it going!  I hope you had a great July 4th.  Doesn’t it feel like forever since U and I have been 2gether? I have not been at Sound Fix to bring you Big Terrific laughs for like three weeks. That’s so long and so is my sadness at missing you. (Huh?) In that time I went to New Orleans (a very safe place that is all fixed, so don’t even worry about mailing a baby there and just hoping the city takes care of it for you) and to see my parents (my dad fell asleep in a parked car for over an hour at one point, thanks for asking). Don’t you want to hear EVEN more amazing stories about what I have been up to? I know you do. I promise the stories on Thursday will feature 43% less forced absurdity than this email. (For example, I won’t pick a number like “43″ to be my funny statistic. That is not funny to anyone. Ugh, I’m horrible. I am just going to read the screenplay to Monty Python & the Holy Grail out loud on Thursday, but in ELVISH. And then point a bow and arrow at my face and RELEASE.)

Gabe & Jenny also have super fun crazy stuff planned because they are the best. You should really come. Joining us are:

KRISTEN SCHAAL (The Daily Show, Flight of the Conchords, Mad Men)
KURT BRAUNOHLER (MTV’s Human Giant, VH1, tons of stuff)
ROSS HYZER (Aspen, used to have pigtails)

Do come and hang out. There will be lots of surprises, like me drinking way too many pickletinis. Whoops spoiler alert.

Thursday July 17th @ 8pm
Sound Fix
110 Bedford Ave at North 11th St
Brooklyn NY
in Williamsburg, just north of the Bedford L stop
FREE
DRINK SPECIALS

Every week I host a podcast for a television network’s website where I make jokes about dumb TV shows. As it is just for the Internet and the Internet is a no man’s land where anything goes and every man is the king of his own castle.com, I don’t really pay attention to the appropriateness of what I say. I am aware the editor will bleep me if I say fuck, but that’s fine; I try not to work blue anyhow. But one week I had an entire joke based around the word choad and the editor bleeped it and it ruined my really smart and brilliant joke about CHOAD RED or whatever. When I asked him why, he told me it is not the network or iTunes that cares, but cell phone companies.

Apparently lots of media companies sell their web video to cell phone carriers so that people can also watch these videos on their phones because what’s cooler than hearing jokes on your phone about a TV show you don’t care about. Synergy, more like funergy, right. And because “mobile content networks” don’t want the FCC regulating them, they have come up with their own super strict set of rules for content. Like if you point at a breast, they won’t buy the clip. And penis is OK, but choad is not, as apparently in Verizon or Sprint’s fantasy PG-rated world all penises are longer than they are wide and they don’t want to hear anything different. “THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A CHOAD. END OF STORY.”

I was talking to a friend about this who happens to work at a different media company, and he knew all about it. In fact, he even had the list of standards from the cell phone networks that says what can absolutely not go in any content you sell to them. He was nice enough to send it to me. It basically makes humor impossible. It might as well say “Do not point out a truth in a way that makes light of a situation, nor should you “kid” or “fib” in a way that people might enjoy. This is offensive.” Here’s the inappropriate content list:

• Alcoholic beverage-related (i.e., beer, wine, liquor, etc.).
• Tobacco-related (i.e., cigarettes, cigars, pipes, chewing tobacco, etc.).
• Guns/weapons-related (i.e., firearms, bullets, etc.).
• Illegal drugs-related (i.e., marijuana, cocaine, etc.).
• Sexual-related (i.e., adult themes, sexual activities, pornography, etc.).
• Crime-related (i.e., organized crime, notorious characters, etc.).
• Violence-related (i.e., physical harm or pain, torture, etc.).
• Profanity-related (i.e., offensive words, phrases, images, etc.).
• Dehumanizing-related (i.e., degrading, abuse, humiliating, etc.).
• Death-related (i.e., funeral homes, mortuaries, etc.).
• Hate-related (i.e., racial, religious, ethnic, etc.).
• Gambling-related (i.e., casinos, lotteries, etc.).
• Illegal-related (i.e., violates, or promotes the violation of, any criminal law, etc.).

It is definitely inappropriate to talk about pipes, funeral homes and lotteries. Lotteries? “There is no such thing as death or chance in fantasy cellphone land. Everyone lives forever and just works hard and gets exactly what they have earned but they don’t work too hard because that is also offensive. End of story.” Also, notorious characters? It is not cool to make jokes about the Coyote, either from Road Runner or the Native American trickster. Both are up to no good.

Then there are the 20 LEVEL 0 WORDS that you absolutely can’t say.  These are a doozy. I guess most of them make sense, but it is such an abbreviated list that it’s crazy some of the stuff they’ve decided must be on there. For example, both cornhole AND corn-hole?? What? “Don’t try to get away with any funny business by hyphenating these cusses you clearly use every day such as cornhole. We are onto you. The words corn and hole shouldn’t even be heard within 30 seconds of each other in your videos.”  They list fuck and fucking, but only shit, so I guess shitting is OK, but you definitely can’t say “Al Capone loved shitting in mortuaries” because yikes. Sit on my face: such a weird and specific imperative. Fornicate: don’t even mention how babies are made unless it is just pointing at the sky and then flapping your arms. Clit: there are no sensitive parts of a woman’s body, definitely not. The only way they feel pleasure is when we feel pleasure.

But the kicker is Ruby Red Bag. Holy amazing. I had never in my life heard anyone use that ever. Cell phone companies are so so afraid of sacs. How did they ever think that the use of the phrase Ruby Red Bag was so rampant and offensive that it needed to be promoted to a Level 0? (I bet they call Level 0 words something funny like “donuts” around the office. Those guys have fun.)

And ruby red bag is so specific and graphic. I just imagine this insane repressed guy at the meeting (because all the cell phone companies had a meeting) starting in on a breathy, stuttered monologue about how the audience out there can surely handle hearing about testicles, but definitely can not handle hearing how they get after sex, that’d it just be too much for the audience and the audience would surely explode, to know testicles when they are freshly wet with dew and pulsating hypnotically, almost commanding you, and you can’t help yourself, to reach out and grab that piping-hot sac like you would a precious, precious ruby.  I bet that guy was so good at describing sacs. Like crazy good. Like he got promoted to Director of Ways to Describe Sacs immediately.

I am not bragging. Positive. But my parents just retired to space.

What’s happening? I am just doing great right now with all the nice weather and stuff. Summer is officially here so if you didn’t know that means it is time to spend every Thursday drinking and laughing at Sound Fix. Why? Because of summer Fridays and also who cares what our bosses think when it’s hot out. They will forget you ever showed up to work hungover anyhow when I give them my special Forgetting Juice. (Poison.) So come toast your boss who isn’t feeling well (he Forgot to not be poisoned, thanks to my special Juice) this Thursday with another Big Terrific!

Onstage this week:

• A.D. MILES (Wet Hot American Summer, amazing web series Horrible People)
• RICK SHAPIRO (Lucky Louis, GTA IV)
• ANDREA ROSEN (Variety SHAC, The Ten)
• TODD LEVIN (Comedy Central, Tremble.com)
• and of course GABE & JENNY (girlfriend/boyfriend)
• and me MAX SILVESTRI

It is going to be such a fun party. There are drink specials and music beautiful people and Pickletinis and also really great huge spicy B.M.’s with giant pickles in the middle of them. I love pickles and humongous B.M.’s. (Bloody Maries)

Also, we have no show on July 3rd and I am then out of town on July 10th so this could be your last chance to have a fun time with me until July 17th and that’s just crazy. So you better come and hang out.

Thursday, June 26th @ 8pm
Sound Fix Lounge
110 Bedford Ave at North 11th St
Brooklyn, NY 11211

While you were fandangoing Wall-E tickets stat, someone was having the Best Night Ever! Do the robot with Max Silvestri as he mechanizes the best moments of Tuesday night TV from 30 Days, Celebrity Family Feud, Flipping Out, Wipeout, and I Survived A Japanese Game Show!

For some reason I was compelled to spend hours making my own. And let’s just say I was immediately compelled. This idea came to me instantly, and there were no other ideas. I am ridiculous.