A winning hand at blackjack.
The legal drinking age in the US.
The number of years since the day that my life (and many others) changed dramatically.

January 20 is a day that I mark annually because it is the day that a dear friend, surrogate brother, and, importantly, the boy who took me on my first date was murdered. The impact of that day affected me in ways quickly apparent and in ways that I am still discovering. I regret the actions of the men who took Rodney’s life. I also recognize that the woman I am today is, in part, a reflection of January 20, 1990.

Earlier this week I experienced an unexpected “rawness” as I reflected on the various losses associated with this day. Yet, after 21 years I am thankful for time and healing.

And so, as I pause to remember the loss that this day represents, I also celebrate another reality this year:

21.
The rough number of years that Travis, Rodney, Susan, and Alicia have been worshiping in the presence of God Almighty. Simply amazing.

Glory Bound.
See ya there.

—————

“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary,
you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith
– more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire –
may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
Though you have not seen him, you love him.
Though you do not now see him, you believe in him
and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory,
obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”
~ 1 Peter 1:6-9

It rarely exists.

Just three weeks ago I received an unexpected phone call that culminated in a job offer at Christian Community Health Fellowship. Within a few days I had turned in my notice at the college and this past week was my first time at the new job. Craziness. Unexpected. A gift.

I now operate within a period of uncertainty.  The uncertainty exists not because I’m not exactly where I am supposed to be but because I no longer know even the easy answers. CCHF is a national association of Christian community health clinics that live out the gospel among the poor (both rural and urban), as well as acts as a vision-casting/sending organization for domestic medical missions. The healthcare industry is an entirely new field of language, protocol, and nuances to learn.

I’m ready.

I truly believe that the church must be involved in issues relating to education and health care.  Far too often we have relinquished our responsibility to private organizations, para-church organizations, or the government to do what is our responsibility – to care for the poor, children, and widows … our neighbors. (And we wonder why there is always tension personally and publicly along these issues?) It is exciting to be back in a “work world” that considers, acts, and longs for change in these areas.

I walk between various worlds personally and professionally when items of political, socioeconomic, or ideological are considered. It can be a dangerous and emotional vantage point from which to learn and listen. Healthcare definitely fits within this “no fly zone”. However, when we look at the work that is taking place within Christian community health clinics, we can do nothing but acknowledge that the gospel is being lived and breathed in a very tangible and needed way. A way that mimics the work of Christ on earth. A man who crossed cultural boundaries by spending time among the poor and outcast, healing the lame and sick.

Fun times lay ahead!

The move to Memphis resulted in a slowing of “activity”.  The additional time is still disconcerting but I must also admit that it has benefits.

One of these benefits are beautiful country roads for the occasional weekend drive. Sunday afternoon I walked one of these roads as part of my training for the 3-Day.

As I began the walk it was with a simple purpose — to finish.

Yet I soon realized that the “head down” approach caused me to miss my surroundings.  Rather than a quick glance out a car window I had an opportunity to fully absorb the beauty I was within.

Therefore, “slowing down” refers less to the lack of physical activity and more with the opportunity to fully enjoy creation and it’s beauty in the midst of increased activity.

Oxymorons seem to define life.

May we learn to appreciate the opportunities that exist at every twist and turn.

“Show me Your ways, O LORD; Teach me Your paths.”
~ Psalm 25:4

I walk in honor of Jennifer Cunningham, Brook Davis, Deb Zeigler, and Sandy Gidley.

I walk in memory of Bonita Powell and Marian K. Hudson.

Over the last six months I have watched a friend battle an aggressive cancer. Jenn’s strength and faith are inspirational. As my eyes were opened to cancer, because of Jenn’s diagnosis, I learned of a high school friend (Brook) who recently fought the same battle. Brook’s compassion and care for Jennifer, as a stranger, and her encouragement regarding how I could care for Jennifer were amazing. To say the least, I was moved.

I have also become friends over the last 18 months with a wonderful woman (Robin Scott) whose mother (Bonita Powell) was taken by the disease. Robin’s life is a testimony to the love of her mother. And, at the same time I have been blessed by the friendship of a godly, caring coworker, Carolyn Cates. Her insight and empathy are a direct result of the loss of her sister (Marian Hudson) to breast cancer. My life is richer because of all these women!

I don’t know that I’m fully prepared for the training of the next six months. However, it pales in comparison to the life struggle of the men and women we will walk to honor.

I’ve commented to friends who join me on this walk that, “Are we crazy?”.  I ask the question because I wonder where in the world I will find the time to train, much less raise the minimum $2300, as well as find the extra time off work and coordinate travel to/from the race?

There is a dissonance in raising support for the race in the midst of the flooding recovery in Tennessee, financial needs of my dear friend battling cancer, as well as impending repairs for my vehicle. However, I also realize there will always be an excuse … there will always be unending needs in our own lives and communities. So … I walk.

Please support me as I begin this journey in the fight to end breast cancer! I’d love to blow past the minimum donation threshold!  To donate or follow my training “blog”, visit my 3-Day Participant Page.

I look forward to having you on my team … as a fellow walker or as a fundraiser!!!

Miss Bailey a.k.a. "The Mischieveous One"

So … my car is in the shop and I’ll learn this week whether my car can be repaired or junked. I have a rental car in the meantime and, as luck would have it, it’s a newer model Altima and the same color as the one I have. Really? That’s just not fair. Regardless, back to the story…

I decided to make some runs to Costco and Schnucks this afternoon and thought Bailey could ride along since the weather wasn’t hot. I leashed her into the back seat and went inside to grab my keys. While in the kitchen I heard the car doors lock … “strange”, I thought, and then realized I couldn’t find the keys to the rental car.

I ran back to the garage and peer through the window to see Bailey chewing on the key fob. Yes … she locked the doors. I had a few particular words to say and then wondered how in the world I would get the door unlocked. (I have no idea how she got the fob, where I laid it, or anything … I’m stumped.)

While standing there she locked the doors twice more while chewing on the fob and set off the car alarm twice. I simply laid my head on the the roof of the car hoping she might chew just a little bit lower and hit the unlock button. FINALLY, she did …

I yanked the door open and went about my business at Schnucks and Costco.

But now I wonder, what in the world will Hertz think when I return the keys and sheepishly say, “I’m sorry … but my dog ate the key fob?”.

What a Saturday afternoon … I should’ve taken a longer nap!

School Zones.

Door locks.

Curfews.

These, and other strategies, are enacted by families, communities, and organizations to create a sense of safety and security in our lives.

And yet we find ourselves daily confronted with the unpredictability of life and our inability to prevent the “unexpected”.  Over the last week too many families were forced to face, or remember, an unimaginable experience: the loss of a child.

As an outsider, it was heartbreaking, and often heart-stopping, to read the experiences and stories of the moms and dads, brothers and sisters.

The human instinct is to avoid pain. And yet, even in our attempts to create harbors of safety for ourselves and our loved ones, there will be a time when we will be forced to face our fears.

Today’s fears may not be our fears tomorrow or in the future.

How we respond in a situation will not be the same as someone else.

But may we always be faithful …

… to care

… to remember

… and, to love, our families and friends in the midst of their pain.

To our grieving friends:
Your family is loved by many, near and far, old friendships and new acquaintances, young and old. Thank you for allowing us to walk beside you … to be a friend. Regardless of their age, we will not forget you or your baby girl or your baby boy!

“May the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7)

We can’t always do everything independently, even when we want, and even …

… when we (or others) think we should be able.

Whether reluctantly, begrudgingly, or graciously sometimes we need to ask for help.

Stink.
(pun intended)

Today's nemesis

Help?

In order to maintain a semblance of peace in my home I occasionally leash my puppy dog to, or beside, me. Not only does the leash keep her out of trouble but it forces her to sit or lay. She calms immediately. Bailey is so inquisitive and active that these are the few times, except for sleeping, that I see her still.

What I continually find curious is that, after being unleashed, the puppy doesn’t run away but sits back down to play with the leash. I’ve watched this behavior for months. And two days ago I questioned whether we exhibit similar behavior in our own lives.

Are there obstacles or struggles that create a barrier (real or perceived) to our hopes and dreams?

Do we recognize that these same moments (of constraint) provide boundaries or discipline for further growth?

Do we recognize when these barriers no longer exist?

And when they no longer exist, can we value the lessons we were taught?

The intention behind this new eating style is multifold: weight-loss, yes, but it is also driven by the desire to have a greater respect for creation and my health. I find myself cooking almost daily and baking bread at least once a week. (I transitioned from the bread maker to hand-shaped loaves last weekend. The product is still a work in progress!)

Although I have much to learn in nutrition, bread baking, sustainability, etc., I also know that I have a greater awareness of major issues in these areas due, primarily, to “time”.  As an individual who expects rapid results, from myself and others, eating clean requires me to take extra minutes to read, evaluate, and yes, to occasionally cook.

Time.

A commodity that I was once told by a Congolese refugee, “is very expensive for Americans”.

The very thing that I fret over losing this weekend with daylight savings.

But by using time I am finding time.

As I desire more time for service, introspection, spiritual disciplines, family and friends … on and on and on …. I am reminded that the phenomenon of convenience often teaches that the very thing we are trying to save should be given away.

“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.” ~Jim Elliott

I tweeted tonight that I’m “considering a step back into blogging … I miss reading, writing, and thinking on issues of social justice, theology, missions, etc.”  It’s true. I do. Very much.

To get to that point I feel the need to catch up (the few people who might still check this blog) on what the last eight months have held … Charlie MacTavish (my sweet puppy dog that was featured in previous photos) died in September 2009 of a liver shunt. Completely unexpected and heartbreaking.  A few weeks later I adopted Bailey from the Blytheville Humane Society. She has given me a run for my money!!!!  Bailey is now almost 9 months old and has more energy than I know what to do with!  She’s a sweetie and if I could ever get her to slow down I might get an updated photo! 

Bailey

Jason, my twin brother, is still in the states raising support to return to Germany. I would love for many people to catch his vision and push him further toward his financial goal. His website is www.nutterwick.com. Our younger brother married a great friend of mine last September. I couldn’t have asked for a better sister-in-law! Great times!  I still haven’t been able to get connected with a local church but recently met a couple planting a church in Memphis and am excited to see what this might hold.

As with the complexity and dynamics of everyone’s life, eight months cannot be easily distilled into a nice summary of paragraphs. The few above offer very little and what remains include: work, stress,  speaking, Granddad’s hospital stay, “clean eating”, a friend’s cancer, hopes, dreams, and much more.

The weather is becoming warmer, the days are getting longer … and my spirit and mind wants to engage again in things outside of “the usual”. Where it will lead, no one knows.

But let’s begin!

(Disclaimer: there’s a bit too much of “I” in this post. Consider this an “opinion” article.

I am no longer on staff at a church.  But I have been responsible for creating, connecting, and training folks into “community” groups. I have also been responsible for helping folks understand the need (and their responsibility) for creating community and missional living within and outside their individual spheres of influence.

So … I understand very well the frustration and difficulty church leadership has in propogating their vision for community and having members own the same vision.  I understand lack of resources, people and financial.

I also do not consider myself lazy or demanding in my endeavor to find community.

My initial response to reading the question, “Do we choose community? Does the community choose us?” was “Yes. Both”.  Yet the second half of the question has caused me increasing anxiety and distress.  Maybe because this perspective of “insider’s choice” is what I sense as the growing perspective of the modern, American church.  My understanding of the Church (Body of Christ) and ecclesiology doesn’t leave room for “choice”.

Now, Christians must “serve” unbelievers.  This is a foundational component of much of missions work worldwide, from medical missions to business as missions, etc.  And, as Christians we must serve one another (see John 13).

However, if Christian “outsiders” are required to serve Christian “insiders” in order to earn the right to belong … wow. I’m stumped. A “survival of the fittest” mentality becomes a natural progression. Only the strongest and fastest “newcomer” will break through the “Red Rover Red Rover” line of linked arms.

There is a natural, emotional reaction to this question because I’ve been surprised at the difficulty I’ve had in moving past “outsider” status after my move.  There are components to this reality that I own … I’m not a staff member. I’m single. Yet I’ve also observed that the casual newcomer is greeted not embraced, expertise and help is accepted when convenient,  churches suck (I include my “former self”) at followup, Sunday mornings are very lonely for visitors, and the average church doesn’t know what to do with “older” singles.

Attempts to simplify “church” and programs over the last decade have served to simplify “church” for the insiders while erecting barriers that outsiders must hurdle in order to belong.

I observed this while on a church staff.

Living the reality now.

Not fun.

Understandable.

Yet discouraging for those who long for a community.

(And yes … simplification is good. I’m a proponent.)

However, does the end justify the means?
I would argue that the answer is an emphatic “no”.

Addendum:
Part of my reaction to Erwin McManus’s quote was compounded by a blog entry by David Fitch called, “Should We Chase After Christians Who Come to Our Sunday Gathering When They Do Not Feel Welcome?: When They Will Not Come 2″.  The post hit a nerve because, well, I find myself in that description. Now, there is much I agree with in the article, namely, that leadership has spent an inordinate amount of time “chasing after” those who visit and do not return.  I also agree that creating a welcoming team that engenders a false sense of community is wrong.

I especially agree with:

“Community comes through understanding a common goal and becoming committed to it with other people of like mind and then struggling through the trials and pains of that journey together. It takes long-term commitment.”

The comparison of church to a “typical” family gathering was misguided, however, …

“We would not expect people to come to our family gatherings as strangers. More likely they come invited through a significant relationship. … They come with someone they already know well and can rely on them to navigate “the family” for them.”

… for those who come to church alone: whether as someone never married, widowed, or a husband or wife whose spouse will not attend church. These folks do not have a safety net. And if “insiders” choose the “outsiders” with whom they establish community, then those who do not have “navigators” into the inner circle are less likely to find community.

This isn’t about creating more programs for the church. It’s about guiding principles and how we expect staff and leadership to work them out.  What is Christ-like or missional about an “us vs. them” mentality for church leadership towards other Christians? I fear these attitudes point towards selectivism rather than including the “whole” of the Body of Christ.  Too idealistic?

Not bad photos for a cell phone, hmm?

That’s all! 

Fun-ness of this week? Exploring some of the local hiking trails.

Today I was at the Wolf River Trails (yellow trail) with Charlie MacTavish.  Tomorrow I plan on exploring either the trails at Herb Parsons Lake or I.H. Managerial Park.

My intention was to take the dog on a trail at the Boondocks today because it is a paved path and it would be an easier jaunt for him.  But … there always is, hmm? … I saw an opportunity to turn down a new road and see what was “back there”. I ended up on the opposite side of the Wolf River from where i intended. Not on a paved path but on a single track path for bikes. I’m glad I “accidentally” showed up at the wrong place. It was a beautiful hike along the river. I didn’t know the trail well and didn’t make the connect to the blue trail that would have allowed me to circle back rather than retrace my steps. No big deal. I was surprised at the good number of people along the path … runners, couples, hikers with dogs, individua

ls, etc. but there weren’t too many and there weren’t so few that I felt isolated.

A great find. A great morning.
I hope the trail tomorrow is as fun!

Being awake until 4am Monday morning gave me plenty of time to wonder “why” I couldn’t sleep. After thinking through people and issues to pray over I began to work through “lessons” I might need to meditate on.

I was reminded of a conversation with Mom a few weeks ago.  A word she used has stuck with me since and the word came to mind again during worship services this past Sunday. The phrase Mom spoke to me was, “Engage with me Christy.” The word I want to use is “disengagement”.

Disengagement.

The first image that comes to mind with this term is the International Space Station. <shrug>

However, it also describes my state of being that day in mid-May.  Just a few hours prior to hosting a gathering with Mom I was sitting on her bed crying. The emotion came from a sense of chaos and the burden of expectations both profesionally and personally. Mom reached to hold my hand and it wasn’t until she stated, “Engage with me Christy” that I realized my hand was limp in hers.

It was a significant image.

Disengagement.

Loneliness, fear, and anxiety all lent to the perceived, and real, need to protect myself from the many forms of “pain”.  Like our knees reflex to an accurate tap so our natural inclination is to avoid pain. The topsy-turvy nature of life after my move to Memphis, unexpected changes at work, and no longer being “known” as a friend or “utilized” in ministry combined to create a HUGE hammer that I saw coming straight to my already weak and damaged knees.

Work is hard?
Head down. Long hours. Finish the task.

Lonely?
Work hard. Head up. Shoulders back. Time will bring new friendships.

Tired or Scared?
Push though it.

The theme:
Work.
Individual effort

First problem:
Little or no room for others — whether help or simply strengthening or building relationships.

Second problem:
Disengagement moves from social and professional areas of life to impact our spiritual life. Often without warning.

Life is complex. Expectations are numerous and come from many directions simultaneously.

We must guard ourselves from disengaging relationally with others. From distancing ourselves from the Body of Christ.

We must guard ourselves from disengaging spiritually from life. From distancing ourselves from the Person of Christ.

Matthew 8
²⁶In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.
We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
²⁷And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.
²⁸And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ^…
36As it is written:  “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
³⁷No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  ³⁸For I am convinced
that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,
³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation,
will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Believe it.
Own it.
It is true!

I love to read.  In fact, this might be an understatement. Amazon and Paperback Swap are dangerous for my pocketbook and non-existent bookshelf space.  Very dangerous!!!!!     I am working through my (large) stack of unread books and will pass on the books (white papers, magazines, etc.) that I consider worth your time.  My reading list typically includes biographies, US History, missional living, practical theology, urban ministry, social justice issues, gardening, classic fiction, modern fiction, Adult ADD research, and marketing.  As I finish a book, or re-discover an old favorite, I will post about those I recommend.  No cliff notes. No spoilers.

Let me know if you have a recommendation of a book I should read.

To begin … a book, if possible, I would give everyone I know:

Telling Secrets by Frederick Buechner*

As an avid reader it is difficult to have a “favorite” book … however, Telling Secrets has become one of my favorites. In fact, if I had the resources I would provide the book to every friend and family member. Frederick Buechner, from the beginning of Telling Secrets, explains the rationale of another autobiography and invites the reader into his story … struggles, questions, triumphs, joys. His writing speaks in a way that honors his unique struggles but also reveals the similar internal questions and insecurities we share (corporately) as human beings and the impact of these on our life and faith.

Regardless of your life story there are moments when the reader can identify with Buechner’s story, including real events or internal struggles. Truth is weaved through the book in a way that reminds Christians of the Hope that remains constant despite the daily chaos and complexity of “life”. Do not be afraid of Buechner’s writings if you only know him by the label of “theologian” … he is accessible and understandable regardless of your background or theological training.

I believe I may need to read the book again!

*originally posted on amazon.com

Let me know your thoughts on the book!

Still no idea if I will have a job after June 22 … only it’s not just me but everyone employed at the college. I’m learning to be a little more settled. But still popping TUMS every night … ok, its not really TUMS but the Walgreens version. My personal opinion, not that you care, is that the WAGS taste better. And that matters. A lot. Once my marketing budget was officially “gone” and our creative agency no longer on contract I have had a (required) self-taught course in elementary graphic design/page layout/photography and other sundry production needs. It’s been fun. Frustrating … but only because I’m not great at it … but an interesting diversion from what I though the job entailed when I arrived! Based on recent “happenings” I’m revisiting true Marketing tasks and strategerizing a bit. Fun to use the right side of my brain again!

All that to say … continue to pray about the job situation for me, but also for every one of my co-workers. Trust is easy to speak about but daily reality … not so much “easy”. Our bodies, mind, and spirit often betray us during these times … it sure has for me!

ummm … not sure what else to add. Glad its spring … planted a container garden in an attempt to provide my small bit of support for sustainable living. We’ll see if I get any harvest out of it. I hope I do! I’m just excited to see the snap peas actually sprouting. And getting taller! It’s like science experiments in grade school all over again! I also planted tomatoes, broccoli, jalapenos, yellow peppers, red peppers, red lettuce, romaine lettuce, red cabbage, strawberries, rosemary, lavendar, citronella, dill, thyme, and my favorite, cilantro! It sounds like a lot but when a plant or two for one person … well, it ain’t so much. ha!

My next order of business around the house is to show some respect to my neighbors by trying to figure out some type of affordable landscaping for the front yard and the rest of my back yard. It’s pretty pitiful. I saw a Google Streetview photo of my house from the previous owner’s tenure … I’m not sure what happened to everything that was once here … but it is no longer!! Can the DIY network visit?! ha!

Charlie celebrated his one-year “adoption” yesterday. Although he was crate trained when I got him I haven’t used a crate until last month. I decided to reintroduce the crate because he seemed to regress more and more after our move to Memphis. Anxiety, pee and poop everywhere, etc. He’s really done great since crating him. Almost like a different dog. He’s a sweetie!!! I wish I could clone him so I could have another!

I guess that all … ramble or stop now. I’ll spare you any further diatribe for now.

Hopefully I’ll be around a little more frequent that the last month or two has provided time for. But … I also know I’ve made this statement before. Here’s raising a glass! ha!

oh … and I cut my hair off again. short. real short.

And hopefully I’ll have something of importance to say in the near future!!