This monstrosity of a blog might see even more neglect in the future, due to the recent addition of a puppy to our family. I would recommend a puppy to anyone who both hates sleep and enjoys maintaining a near constant state of alertness. It’s kind of like suddenly becoming the parents of a two year old child who won’t wear diapers, can run faster than you, and is capable of destroying anything within its path. Manually piloting the space shuttle through a difficult, dangerous atmospheric reentry would be a good equivalent regarding stress, only with less poops.

• Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team.
• Thomas Edison went through 3,000 prototypes of the lightbulb before he discovered a filament that worked.
• Abraham Lincoln was told he was no good at splitting rails, but what do we chiefly remember him for today?
• Louis Pasteur killed over 200 people while testing his “Pasteurization” process.
• When Walt Disney told people about his idea for a theme park, people would punch him in the throat.

• I look thinner.  More specifically, it’s harder to tell if I’ve gained weight.
• It’s like having a built-in scarf at all times, even in the shower.
• I look smarter, especially when paired with my glasses. “Well, let’s ask him. He’s got a beard and glasses” is something I hear frequently.
• It brings me one step closer to doing a perfect Hemingway/Commander Riker/Zeus impression.
• I think I look scarier, at least until I open my mouth.

A Vague, Possibly Horrible Warning!

I like my car.  One of the many things I like about it is its ability to tell me what, if anything, is wrong. My previous automobile, like a small infant, lacked the ability to articulate what was troubling it at any particular time.  ”Check Engine”?  Check it for what? Leaks? Bugs? It’s very existence?

One day last week I woke up, and discovered I couldn’t move my right thumb. Well, I could move it one direction. Specifically, I could grip with it, but I couldn’t straighten it. It didn’t hurt, there seemed to be nothing else wrong, aside from the lack of movement in my thumb. I got out of bed and became very dizzy, quite suddenly. I became dizzy to the point that I had to kneel by the bed and hold on to it, as I couldn’t keep myself upright, not even on my knees. I immediately concluded that I must have some sort of horrible disorder. I’ve been accused of being melodramatic.

Here are some ways to improve your quality of life. (note: That’s all I wrote. I wish I would have worked on this one. I could have really used these tips.)

1. Talk about current events. I’m a little behind on this, but I promise everyone I’ll finally get to the Leno-Conan issue as soon as we get through the Lincoln-Douglas debates next week.
2. Challenge people you’ve never met to duels. This one works for awhile, but gets old pretty fast.
3. Mention something from your childhood. Imply the era you grew up in is superior to any other era.
4. Review a product. Suggest that you could be bought.
5. Talk about something that has recently happened to you, or something you have recently done. Don’t talk about completely uninteresting things, though. Save those for Twitter and Facebook.

• Instead of a new car, buy a used one.
• Instead of buying new clothes, see what your local Goodwill has.
• Instead of Swine Flu, get SARS. Haven’t heard about SARS in awhile? Well, be the first to make it popular again.
• Instead of putting effort into a blog post, phone it in and reward yourself with a nap.

We got a new phonebook yesterday.

Actually, I was a little surprised. Who uses phonebooks anymore? Certainly not I. Being the cutting edge, Web 2.0 fellow that I am, I always use Goog-411 to find the numbers I’m looking for. When that inevitably fails, (“I said HOME DEPOT… HOOOOOOME DEEEEEEE…) I go straight to Google. After scrolling through ten pages of useless, unrelated stuff, I give up.

I refuse to use a phonebook, despite its clear advantages. For example, there is a pizza coupon on the front. I’d never, ever use it, as I’d feel self conscious trotting about town with my measly phonebook coupon clutched tightly in my fist. If you have multiple places to look up, sometimes you can save some real time. Need a plumber and a podiatrist? Same page, my friend. Need a sign and a silversmith? Better yet, need a sign made of silver? The phonebook has it all and more. Take, for example, the wonderful ad on the back cover. It’s an ad for a law firm that specializes in (what else?) “serious injury claims.” They will help you with various injuries, such as:

• Automobile
• Slip & Fall
• Construction Site
• Dog Attacks
• Defective Products
• Pedestrian … ?

So if you’re ever walking through a construction site and you slip and fall, causing you to drive the Slim Jim you were eating into your eye, the scent of which causes some nearby dogs to attack your face, and then a pedestrian… steps on you… or something… you can really clean up with these people helping you out. Maybe by “pedestrian” they actually mean a boring, run of the mill serious injury claim. It’s hard to tell. I’d call them, but Goog-411 can’t find them, and I refuse to use the printed number out of pride.

I guess we’ll never know.

This has reignited my quest to obtain as many honorary titles, degrees and certificates as I possibly can. Top on my list? Kentucky Colonel. I am absolutely serious. If that were to happen, I would immediately purchase a white linen suit and go to law school. Geographically and culturally, I have a better chance at being a Colonel then being knighted by the Queen of England. Frankly, I’d much rather be a Colonel, anyway. Can you think of anything better than the title of “Colonel”?

For balance, I’d put being an honorary Admiral in the Texas Navy near the bottom of my list, along with anything that has to do with Ohio.

While I’m at it, I relinquish my title as “King of the Internets.” The crown was too heavy for my neck, and the pointed top kept popping all my balloons.