"Me Talk Pretty"

"The Case of the Missing Shoes" or "A Run In with the Law"

2009-01-18T15:14:00.000-05:00

In order to understand this story, you have to understand my living arrangement, so bear with me. I own a condo (which is a little misleading because it is really just a very small two bedroom apartment, but I pay a mortgage so it counts!). There are a total of 4 units in my building: mine, an apartment across the hall, one beneath that and one directly beneath mine.

The occupant beneath me, Stephen, is a gentleman about 40 years old. He has some medical issues and has trouble speaking. I guess I would describe him as slow, but I really have no idea what his deal is.

So the story begins with a dinner with some friends. Now I never invite more than a couple of people over at a time because (as I pointed out) my place is small and seating is limited. But this being the holiday season and me really wanting to have some of my favorite people over, the guest list reached 5.

I made dinner and then we played some games, in all a very low key evening. Around 8:30 Stephen comes and pounds on my door...hard. In all honesty, I anticipated this. Stephen has a short fuse and often complains at the slightest noise coming from my apartment.

I answer the door and he starts yelling about the noise of the foot steps coming from my apartment. I told him we would try to keep it down and closed the door, explaining to my guests not to worry, he complains all the time. We all go back to playing games and occasionally we hear him pound on his ceiling, but I ignore it because the noise that is being made by us is reasonable. He comes up one more time and knocks on the door, but I don't open it as I refuse to deal with him.

So the rest of the evening is spent playing games and just having a good time. When the evening ends, my guests go to put on their shoes, which were left in the hallway because it had snowed and they had left them out as to not mess up the floors (very courteous of them). However, one of the pairs of shoes is missing. I thought the owner of the shoes was kidding. He was not.

Instantly, I have my suspect. I go down to Stephen's apartment and knock on his door. He is pissed and says he was sleeping. I ask him about the shoes. He denies having taken them. I then threaten to call his sister and the police.

Now here is the part that really makes the story to me... He says he didn't take them but check the dumpster. He closes the door and I head out to the dumpster to find the shoes on top of a trash bag. So I fish them out and my guests are on their way.

So you would think this would be the end of the story, well it isn't. About an hour later the police show up. Stephen has called to complain about the noise. Without going into too much detail, I talk to the cops and explain the situation. Apparently Stephen turned himself in on the shoes, and, thinking we hadn't retrieved them, was currently dumpster diving for them. I told the cops that we had gotten them out, but they were annoyed with him and let him look while we chatted. Basically, they encouraged me to talk with Stephen's sister, which I have done and haven't heard a thing from him since.

So what have I learned from this? Keep your guest's shoes IN the condo at all times! I just hope my guests wern't so annoyed by the situation that they would be hesitant to return.

Everything is status quo

2009-01-11T18:43:00.002-05:00

I was tinkering with my profile on Facebook and inadvertently caused a little bit of a stir amongst my friends and family. One of the options on your profile is "Relationship status" and I have always left that field with nothing selected. You see, for me Facebook started out as a work tool for me to keep in contact with the college students I work with and felt that field was irrelevant in regards to my work. However it has since morphed into a tool (addiction) I use in all aspects of my life, so I m looking at it in a bigger scope, but I digress....

Anyways, I decided to list myself as single, which is all fine and good until you see that, for privacy reasons, I only list my name, hometown, and birthday. Now you add "Relationship Status: Single" and it looked to me to be very conspicuous, so I decided to leave that status blank. After all, I have worked hard to create "the Ian mystique", I don't want to ruin it by giving up all my secrets on Facebook, right?

Well, Facebook's feed picked up my activity and posted "Ian Martin is no longer listed as single", which is misleading at best. This started messages coming in from friends and family nosing around for dirt.

So let me clear the air: I am single. When that changes I will most likely tell anyone who matters (and probably some who don't) personally. After all if the is one thing I have learned this year, it is you have to be very careful with the Facebook relationship status, as this clip from the Big Bang Theory points out:

A Pirate's Life For Me

2008-07-24T09:25:00.002-04:00

After 6 days of vacation, I have decided I need to live at the ocean. This probably means I need to change my vocation. Here are some careers that would help me in my dream to live at the sea.

1. Professional surfer:
Pros - counter culture lifestyle, new way of speaking, bettys.

Cons - don't know how to surf, danger of looking too old to be a surfer, lack of agility, shark attack.

2. Fisherman:
Pros - Free seafood, cool boat, plenty of opportunity to quote Jaws "we're going to need a bigger boat"

Cons - I don't like seafood, I get severely seasick, I could do without the smell.

3. Pirate:
Pros - Cool parrot, cool lingo (AAarrrgghh), cool boat, fun nicknames, progressive disability policies (peglegs and hooks, a plus)

Cons - seasickness again, I'm a lover, not a fighter, fear of scurvy.

So, based on this list, I don't Think I have found my dream oceanside career. Any suggestions?

An Outrage You Should Be Aware of....

2008-07-02T07:36:00.002-04:00

Dunkin Donuts has been a signature staple of the New England Area for as long as I can remember. It's auspicious beginnings started in the Providence/Boston area in the 1940s. (Check out the Wikipedia entry for a detailed history)

As a staple of New England, they have always allied themselves with New England teams, and is what I thought, a proud supporter of the Red Sox Nation. Right now if you walk into any Dunk's in the MA area, a cutout (albeit a little creepy) of Jonathan Papelbon will greet you, taunting you to buy donuts with a frightening leer. Cool! Here is a brand synonimus with Boston/New England supporting our teams. (And yes, D&D is synonimous with Boston, as I challenge you to walk more than 3 blocks in dowtown Boston and NOT find a D&D francise. No other major metropolitan area has the saturation of Dunks than Boston). So I have always applauded the corporation for sponsoring our home teams even when they were not the World Champions they are today.

So, you can imagine my surprise, while visiting upstate New York last weekend, I stop in to the local Dunkin Donuts, to get a small taste of home, and I am affronted by the listless, dull stare of a Joba Chamberlain cutout! Basically, if you go into any Dunks in the New York area, they have the same marketing, just sub Papelbon with Joba. They are even in the same creepy pose, although Joba looks like he is kind of confused, or an errant butterfly caught his attention during the photo shoot. But I digress...

Now I am not naive enough to think that Dunks should bring the marketing of a rival team to the New York area. However, I didn't expect such a cavalier approach to catering to the whims of non-New Englanders! Where is the loyalty? To replace a Red Sox hero with a New York souless chump just to sell some donuts!

So I am feeling cheated. I am continually let down by my coffee and donut establishments. Just check out this archived post on Bess Eaton to know the depths of my pain! So I am calling out to you, dear readers, comment and let me know what you think. Is my outrage warranted? Or am I way off base?

Happy Fenway Opening Day!

2008-04-08T10:13:00.001-04:00

Enjoy the video!

NACA [Buzznet]

2007-11-02T23:21:40-07:00

Note: This message contains multimedia contents and is delivered from Helio, LLC. This message is optimized for Internet Explorer version 6.0 to: nai71.pics@buzznet.com from: 4132224647 message: NACA

Call me Gilgamesh!

2007-10-17T02:29:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite bands that you should be listening to is Thy Might Be Giants. I went to see them in May and wrote about it here.

This weekend I am going to see They Might Be Giants twice! (Long story as to why, but it should be fun!).

Anyways, here is their new video for "The Mesopatamians". Enjoy!

They Might Be Giants - The Mesopotamians

Grapes of Wrath or Schadenfreude?

2007-10-14T13:29:00.001-04:00

Apparently, this has been around a while, but it is new to me. When I first saw this video, I really felt guilty for finding soooooo funny, but now that I have viewed it 100 times, it actually cheers me up.

It is times like these that I think I do need therapy.

After you watch it, re-watch it.

My thoughts when I watched it a second time:

1. She cheats by yelling stop, and then does a few more stomps. Instant karma kicks in....face plant.

2. The audio is the best part. "uunnhh, unnnh, unnh. Stop! I can't breathe!"

3. Why didn't they cut the audio?

4. The people in the studio are holding back laughing. My theory is, in the world of local news, the person sent out to do a remote (in this case, wine stomping) is the most hated person on the team. I think the anchors are not sad to see her fall.

5. Yeouch is a great word.

6. Are they really going to go check on her?

7. If they hadn't gone any faster to commercial, the female anchor would have laughed on air. That laugh would have been a snort.

New York State of Mind

2007-10-10T22:19:00.001-04:00

I visited the awe inspiring Shannon this past weekend. She was up from North Carolina and I spent Friday and Saturday just catching up with her. She is one of the "good 'uns" (as they say in NC) and I am lucky to have her as a friend.

While we were there, we had dinner at Milon's (93 1st Ave), an fantastic Indian restaurant that is very festive and relly out of control. Also, the bargain of NYC: our meal concisting of two appetisers and our entrees came to $24 total. Unbeleivable considering NYC prices! (also, they are BYOB, and I encourage you to if that is your thing!)

We then headed off to Angel's Share (8 Stuyvesant St.). You need to check out this bar. First it is hidden. You have to go through a Japanese restaurant to find it. Once you do, it is the perfect place to relax and have a conversation. Very cool, and if you order a Brandy Alexander and the waiter asks you a question once he delivers it, he is asking if you would like nutmeg. Don't ask.

Just the Facts

2007-09-11T22:53:00.000-04:00

This video is pretty long, but it is very funny. Enjoy!

FCU with Bill Murray

Josh [Buzznet]

2007-09-22T12:33:05-07:00

Ian Plunked out on my Helio Ocean

Wickford, RI [Buzznet]

2007-09-19T23:53:00-07:00

Wickford, RI

Insomniac Theatre

2007-09-11T19:52:00.000-04:00

I have had insomnia for the past few weeks. Actually lets call it insomnia lite. I just either fall asleep on the couch and wake up and can't go to sleep for hours (which is strange because I used to fall asleep on the couch, move to bed, and fall right back to sleep), or I just am up to 2:00 without being tired at all. My caffeine intake is lower than it has ever been, so who knows. It feels like restlessness, maybe even anxiety, but it is making for very challenging work days as I have to fight crankiness.

ANYWAYS, my insomnia lite has allowed me to watch TV I normally don't watch, like the E! True Hollywood story on That 70s Show. First of all, I did like that show in the beginning but it faded at the end. Very funny cast and good writing. However, I have noticed that on THS (which is how it is listed now) that every story has drama and the people dishing it credentials are a little suspect. Basically it was a guy labeled "director" and a woman labeled "film critic" I have no idea how a film critic has insight to the drama behind the scenes on the set of the show. She seemed to know intimate details as if she were there. That made me look a little harder at the director. It didn't say director of That 70s Show. He could of been a director of anything, like home movies. So, while I believe that Topher Grace might not of fit in with the rest of the cast on the show, I have a hard time believing that when he left the show, Ashton Kutcher was in tears, while Grace jumped in his car. The director said this in a snarky way that tells me he is participating in gossip he wasn't there for. I think a professional would have still told the stories but would have toned down the glee.

So as you can see, I really need to kick the insomnia.

Leaving New York

2007-09-11T01:30:00.001-04:00

R.E.M. is one of my favorite all time bands, and although there recent albums haven't compared to their earlier works, there have been some gems. "Leaving New York" is one of them. This video was recorded live in Dublin check it out. Also look for their live DVD+CD combo out in October.

Inspiration Vacation

2007-09-11T00:30:00.000-04:00

I just haven't been inspired to write. When I first started this thing, I really was into it. Check out my archives. I was on a prolific roll back in the first 6 months. I enjoyed it and some of what I wrote really achieves what I set out to do; write light, fun, and witty observations of things that strike me as interesting.

However for the past couple of years, topics elude me. I don't know if it is too much self editing (the fact that I don't hide my identity and tend to let my sometimes opinionated self to ramble, in fear of this being read and me being judged for it by someone I know) or that I seem to be in a little of a rut and haven't been able to "bring the funny" to the table like I used to (or at least what is funny to me).

So, while I don't know the reason, I have decided that blogging was good for my soul (however self-indulgent the process may be) and I am better off for it. So bear with me. I am going to write on a semi-daily basis, even if I have nothing to say, because that's the best cure for writer's block around.

That being said, you are fairly warned: Let the Rambling begin!

I hope you will stick around.

Summer 2007 (part 2)

2007-09-09T20:01:00.000-04:00

I can't believe how quickly this summer seemed to fly by. It was a great summer for me (especially when it comes to music!) I made it to 3 music festivals and saw the Police at Fenway Park, giving me many opportunities to (re)discover new music. The following play list reflects that discovery. I would really like everyone to check out "Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers", "The Avett Brothers" and "Gandolf Murphy and the Slambovian Circus of Dreams". Three bands that are off the beaten track but should be listened to!

Summer 2007 (part 2):
"1. 4th of July (Album Version) - Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers
2. Not Ready To Make Nice - Dixie Chicks
3. Keep It Loose, Keep it Tight - Amos Lee
4. Distraction #74 - The Avett Brothers
5. Better Than - John Butler Trio
6. Against All Odds - Phil Collins
7. Alice In Space - Gandalf Murphy And The Slambovian Circus Of Dreams
8. So Lonely - The Police
9. The Cap'm - They Might Be Giants
10. Let Freedom Ring - The Nightwatchman
11. Talk On Indolence - The Avett Brothers
12. Train In Vain - The Clash "

I cleaned up the joint...

2007-09-09T17:34:00.000-04:00

I really should be cleaning the condo, but I am in HEAVY procrastination mode so I updated my blogger template and gave the page a paint job.

I will be working on my Summer Music play list later so expect a new Rhapsody play list for your enjoyment.

Ian

McSweeney's Internet Tendency: A Letter to Optimus Prime From His GEICO Auto Insurance Agent.

2007-07-18T11:50:00.000-04:00

This speaks for itself. Enjoy!

McSweeney's Internet Tendency: A Letter to Optimus Prime From His GEICO Auto Insurance Agent.

Summer 2007 (part 1)

2007-07-10T20:59:00.000-04:00

The fourth is behind us and summer is in full swing. This is a playlist I put together of the track I have been listening to in heavy rotation (add Handle With Care by the Travelling Wilburys, which is conspicuously not available on Rhapsody!)

If you have Rhapsody, click on the link to listen.

Ian

Summer 2007 (part 1):
"1. Johnny Appleseed - Joe Strummer
2. Holiday - Green Day
3. Satellite [The Astronauts Remix] - Guster
4. Hey There Delilah - Plain White T's
5. Experimental Film - They Might Be Giants
6. Have A Little Faith In Me - John Hiatt
7. I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab For Cutie
8. World Spins Madly On - The Weepies
9. Soul Meets Body - Death Cab For Cutie
10. Ripple - The Grateful Dead
11. American Land (Live In Dublin) - Bruce Springsteen
"

Kevin Smith - THE MUPPET MAN

2007-07-06T09:47:00.000-04:00

This is one of the thousand reasons I really enjoy Kevin Smith.

MUPPET MAN | | Gossip - New York Post Online Edition

Two Thumbs Up

2007-06-29T16:07:00.000-04:00

I am a big movie fan and I have always respected Roger Ebert's opinions (He is about the only critic I regularly turn to, as he rarely tears apart or builds up a movie: just straight forward analysis that allows me to decide if a film is worth shelling out $10 to see). He has been battling cancer and I have missed his reviews. Well it seems he is on the mend and Time did a great article on him. I now not only value his opinion, I value his integrity and how he lives his life.

Check it out: Thumbs Up for Roger Ebert - TIME

Ian

Dramatic Chipmunk

2007-06-21T05:10:00.000-04:00

Cue the dramatic music.... Wait for it!... Duh duh duh

Ian

Summer Movies: Commando: Reporting & Essays: The New Yorker

2007-06-13T09:58:00.000-04:00

Dave Eggers is one of my favorite writers of my generation. This article about movies of his youth and the repercussions on a kid's world is right on target.

If you have not read Egger's "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius", put it on your summer reading list. It is an amazing book.

Ian

Summer Movies: Commando: Reporting & Essays: The New Yorker

The Return of the 'Scort

2007-06-06T21:29:00.000-04:00

The first car I owned I purchased in 1997 during my first year of grad school. It was a 95 Ford Escort hatchback with a unnecessary spoiler (it shook whenever you went higher than 70) and had the most impressive turning radius. I loved that car. I always said I would have that car until the wheels fell of (it was paid for, after all).

In October, after buying new tires and a new muffler, the 'Scort needed new struts and I decided that the wheels coming off was inevitable, so I bit the bullet and traded it in for a newer car (an 06 Saturn Ion). I bought the car and was to return the next day with the 'Scort's title to sign it away to the dealership. You wouldn't believe how tough that actually was to do. I mean, this car and I had been through a lot together; grad school in Virginia, 3 years in North Carolina, and my move back to New England carrying my parents and 2 cats.

I still remember driving away from the dealership and looking at it for what I thought was the last time. I sometimes wondered what became of it. Most likely the junk yard. It's seatbelts were broken, the suspension was shot, and it had 120,000 miles on it. I think the stereo that I put in was the most valuable thing in it, and that would shut off for no reason.

So I can't tell you how surprised I was when I saw her today 5 blocks from my house. I was driving to the gym, when I saw a black Escort parked in front of a house. I had just assumed it was another black Escort when I saw a parking pass from the school that I work. I turned the car around (I had to do a "K Turn", as the Ion does not have an amazing turning radius) and pulled up next to my old escort. It was the same car; parking decals from my old place of employment in NC, a Roy Carpenter's beach decal and broken seatbelts. I was stunned.

After spending a few moments next to the 'Scort, I got back in the Ion (before someone called the cops on me; I looked very suspicious peering into this car!). It was then that a wave of guilt hit me. I had been too hasty to get rid of the 'Scort. It's wheels had some life in them after all. Here I thought she was dead all along, when she actually got off life support and is living the remainder of her days in someone else's care.

Let me take this opportunity to say to the 'Scort that I am very sorry that I wrote you off too soon. You were a very good car.

Variety.com - Warner purrs for Thundercats

2007-06-06T13:40:00.000-04:00

Yeah, Thundercats may be a movie. I am also excited to see the Transformer (even if it is directed by Michael Bay) I love that the cartoons of my youth are becoming the zeitgeist of movie productions. I also read He-Man is going to be made. Let's hope it is better than the Dolph Lundgren crap that came out in the 80s. Check out this link for a very funny top 15 cartoon theme songs. Pretty funny!

Variety.com - Warner purrs for Thundercats

Chris Thile and Nickel Creek

2007-06-05T21:16:00.001-04:00

Madrid and I went and saw Chris Thile of Nickel Creek play at the Iron Horse on Sunday night. Thile is amazing! I love the mandolin and he is one of the most amazing players out there.

I do have to admit that I like his stuff with Nickel Creek much better. So in that spirit, my favorite Nickel Creek song (featuring Chris Thile on Mandolin). If you haven't given Nickel Creek a listen, you really should! (and if you have a chance to go see them live, do it as they are taking a indefinite hiatus at the end of the year!)

Experimental Film

2007-06-01T07:51:00.001-04:00

Continuing on the theme of music, I saw They Might Be Giants a few weeks ago at the Iron Horse in Northamton, MA. I have been a fan of the band since Flood (one of my top 10 favorite albums). If you have a chance to see them live, do it! (They are performing a free show at Mohegan Sun Casino in July!)

They sing the theme song to Malcolm in the Middle and perform the theme to The Daily Show "Dog on Fire" (which I find to be a hysterical name for that piece of music!).

Here is the Homestar Runner video for "Experimental Film" by They Might Be Giants. This song is in heavy rotation on my iPod right now. Enjoy!

Nai

TV Dad Salaries

2007-05-31T21:19:00.000-04:00

I am a little early for Father's Day, but I found this list of fictional dad's and what they would make in real life pretty interesting.

CNN/Money: TV Dad Salaries

Nai