mediocre mama

summer in mccall

2017-08-14T11:36:00.002-07:00

I will try to post more for you, my baby Tommy. I'm sorry I've dropped the ball.

This was my favorite summer so far with my kids. They are at such fun ages. We spent almost a month in Mccall with family and friends then a week in Utah. Firsts: Lennon's first summer wake boarding, Larry's first summer knee boarding, Mom's first time hiking Mt. Timpanogos, and NO DIAPERS. HOLLLLAAAAHHHH!

don't forget georgia

2016-11-19T00:59:00.003-08:00

Framily.

Don't forget Paula Dean's restaurant where you left looking eight months pregnant but super super happy.

trying not to give up on blogging

2016-11-19T00:54:00.000-08:00

It's 12:17 am and Tod is camping with the kids at Red Rock and I can't sleep.

I sat down at the computer tonight to get Christmas cards ordered but kept thinking, I never write anymore.

My senses have dulled. I'm not as sharp or as quick as I used to be. I used to spit out a blog post every other day while my babies napped. Now I'm lucky if I get a couple bills paid and my lunch

inhaled while my (last) baby naps.

Yesterday Ann Dee texted me that she hopes I'm writing memories down about Kristi. Which I want to do but when? Because at night when the kids are in bed, all I have energy for is usually an episode or two of SNL reruns.

Fall has come and gone and suddenly this week our weather has gone from perfection to a little chilly. Tod is a good dad to be in a tent right now, probably freezing with three kids, probably all on top of him.

I want to remember how this year felt. The good days and the hard days. If I ever want to transport myself back to the last eight months I will need to listen to Tom Petty or Indigo Girls Pandora. All of the hours spent in the car driving to swim lessons, football practice, soccer, scouts, Kidshine, etc.. totally lost in my own thoughts and listening to music that made it feel like she was in the car next to me.

I'll need to remember November 8th when I texted my sister in laws: "I'd bet my kids' lives on this election that Hilary Clinton will win." And how he first won Florida, then Ohio, and then the screen kept lighting up red and we stared with our mouths wide open in total shock.

I'll need to remember how Lennon and Larry became so independent this year. Waking themselves up each morning with an alarm clock, getting their own breakfast, dressing themselves and being ready for school before I'm even home from the gym. How the other night Tod and I went to see a friend's house and when we got home, Lennon was doing the dishes and the kitchen was clean.

How our baby isn't a baby anymore but a sweet little boy. Who kisses me 10 times minimum during one Costco trip. Says he's sorry pretty fast because time out isn't fun and he is all about fun. And Halloween candy. Which he can sniff out a mile away.

I'll want to remember Ruby who didn't want to go to bed the other night so when I laid her down and turned off the light she said, "Wow....and I was just starting to like you and now THIS."

And then Larry. Who came home with a list of what he was thankful for.

"I am thankful for the earth, my family, my house, my school, when kids include me, my friends and my aunt who died."

Don't forget St. George marathon where your knee hurt with each step but your best friend of 10 years was right next to you and that made it ok.

Don't forget Tod's high school reunion. And don't go next time.

Always remember when Ruby broke her arm just to have Lennon break his thumb a couple weeks later. I mean seriously. SERIOUSLY.

Remember the night your kitchen was filled with people you love while Tod cracked open three HUGE lobsters and skinned (?) a sheepshead fish with a dull knife ON YOUR KITCHEN COUNTER but your heart wanted to burst with happiness. Friends who are family laughing and eating and happy.

Don't forget that happiness and sadness can coexist and have this year. Lots of both in 2016.

Thanksgiving is next week. I am thankful we have the whole week off. I am thankful to be alive and healthy with kids and a husband who are healthy. I'm thankful to have happiness and peace in my life. Thankful to have the best BEST friends, some near and some far away. Thankful for extended family on both sides who love us. Thankful my sister is finally, finally ok.

Most of all, I'm thankful I'm not camping tonight.

back to life...back to reality

2016-09-12T15:16:00.001-07:00

Just before school started, we received the shocking news that Quentin's mom Joyce had passed away. It always amazes me what can happen on a normal day. On a regular Monday night while you're watching TV and your phone rings or beeps and your world completely changes forever.

We were lucky to find a sitter and some flights and made our way back to where it all started in Rexburg, ID. When we got off the plan in Idaho Falls, people stared at us like we were from the future. I love it there. I am so sad Joyce is gone. I am so sad for her entire family. But I was so happy to see some of our best friends from college again. Sometimes you just need to see your friends.

The original De La Vega band: Tod Wever (lyrics and percussion), Jason Littlefield (guitar and vocal), Quentin Bell (lights and program), and Brent Knudson (dance choreography).

...and their groupies.

This is Tod putting Q in the Boston Crab, roughly around 2 am.

This is my face and Q's combined.

This is what Q does every time he sees Tod and this ....

is Tod and me combined.

Came home and celebrated 13 years together at a Coldplay concert. Lots of memories with their music.

Tommy is no longer a baby but a small boy who only likes to wear pajamas. He begs for his jammers allllllll daaaaaaaay lonnnnnng. He likes to suck on his left sleeve. When he's not in jammers he's usually just in a diaper so really...standards are low around here. He's starting to say stuff like: What the heck! Oh my gosh! Read me a book! Where's Ru Ru! Where's Yellow! (Larry) I want to go to school! Where's Dad! I want yogurt! I want string cheese! Go away!

It's really fun.

Last summer swim at the Manning's.

First week of school -- Lennon (3rd), Larry (1st), Ruby (Pre-K), Tommy (Co-Op and I tell him it's school).

Kristi's six month anniversary came. That night a girl from my grief group rang my doorbell and gave me this. People are so good.

She gets her own picture because -- DENIM JACKETS ARE BACK?!!

View around 5 am during our 20 mile run Saturday.

That's Megan on the left. Three more weeks until the race. And then I swear I swear I swear I swear I'm not doing another full again. Heaven help me.

peace out summer 2016

2016-09-12T14:59:00.000-07:00

This summer was two weeks longer than most so we tried to take advantage. We took off for most of August...BYU sports camp for a week at my mom's, a week in Bear Lake with cousins and then Boise/McCall, ID. The best part of all of it was just letting my kids play outside. Cooler temperatures and not being stuck inside. Spending time with my family. Being with good friends. It was a healing month for me.

My mom sold her house so this was our last visit there. I will miss it because of all the memories of my dad and Kristi but it is a painful place to be in a lot of ways. I'm glad she's found something new that makes her happy. Breakfast at Grandma's before sports camp...

Bean Museum is a stop every summer bc Aunt Katy is the coolest.

Oh and here's the spray park where I thought Ruby had been kidnapped by a pedophile when actually she was eating behind a tree. Who taught her the peace sign, btw?

Sodalicious after camp each day for Aunt Katy's 40th birthday list. Every time I told myself I only needed a diet coke and every time I ate three cookies. WHERE ARE THE DRIVE THRUS WITH BAKED GOODS IN LAS VEGAS???

Got to see Lane for dinner and it was business and laughing and endless talk as usual. She is so beautiful and humble and happy.

Me, Ruby and I just realized: Jesus.

One night my car was so gross I asked Lennon to vacuum it out. He ended up detailing my whole car and then Grandma's. One of the cutest things I've ever seen. He was out there until the sun went down.

And then there was the 4 am hike up Squaw Peak with Ann Dee. It was pitch black the whole way up and I was waiting for a bear/cougar combo to eat us and for our faces to be on the news that night.

But we made it. I loved it.

I love that my mom plays with my kids. She talks to them, reads to them, knows them. I don't have nearly enough pictures of them all together.

I got to visit Brother Norby. I am so thankful he survived the Brussels attacks. He is and always will be a very special person to me. Ruby liked him too.

Does it get any prettier than Provo in the summertime?

This was the night I pawned three of my four kids off on Tommy and he handled them like a champ.

Bear Lake girlfriend who played with him all morning. Thanks little girl.

All day, every single day.

This was taken on the Boise River. Fun to see where Tod served his mission and fun to show the kids what a river looks like...

After a weekend in Boise, I headed to McCall with the kids. Was greeted by three of my favorite friends and 16 kids total in our cabin. There aren't many people I'd be willing to do this with for a week but I'm already excited for next time.

Lisa taught me how to snap chat (filter) on the first night so be prepared...

It was a lot of time in the car but worth it. I want my kids to know what life is like outside of Las Vegas. Lennon got up on a wake board for the first time this year and it turns out Larry is a maniac on the tube. I am thankful for my family and friends. This summer I really learned that happiness can coexist with heartache. I lost my sister but still have so much. Trying to focus on that. Fun summer...time for school and schedules and sports.

zion swim meet

2016-07-24T21:58:00.001-07:00

When summer started, Megan and I had the genius idea to leave the babies home and take the older kids to Zion since they had a swim meet down in St. George anyway.

It was genius because traveling without diapers and pack n plays feels luxurious and almost criminal. These kids were troopers and their moms laughed and talked the whole way there and back.

Note: Megan is one of my favorite people.

And Zion is one of my favorite places.

This should be an annual tradition. But next time we'll bring shade for the swim meet.

Hash tag: Lesson learned

first summer

2016-07-24T21:52:00.000-07:00

Sissy,

Our first summer without you has proven that happiness can coexist with sadness.

We have enjoyed the NICE AND COOL library. Especially Ruby.

Speaking of Ruby, she is pure sunshine except when she's not. But you already knew that.

Larry walked out the other day looking like this and said, "Hey look, I'm Donald Trump's son."

Where do these kids come from.

My friend Brian is finally back. I remember telling you all about him. Now I've told him all about you. You two would've been close friends. His kids pictured above after a BBQ (James is still in Europe).

Marc and McCall sealed. It was a highlight of the summer for me.

Boys still killing it at swim team. Super intense. Super focused.

Ryan came to visit AKA we had to sell half our furniture because he told us how ugly it all was but I did find this bedding for Ruby which fits her perfectly because she says, "It's like sleeping in a garden every night."

Still working on the house....Tod has taken on the wall going up the stairs because he is a ~~control freak sometimes~~ good sport.

He's also been working LATE LATE NIGHTS trying to prepare for his first annual office retreat. He wanted it to be so nice for them to thank them for all they do. Long story that I wish I could tell you in person....but he did a fantastic job and I was proud of him. And relieved when it was over.

This was taken the day after it ended. His stress level was markedly lower. Nice to have him back.

Missing you. Thinking of you a lot but mostly when I drive or when I cook. On Sundays I usually think of you and Dad while I cook. The other night I was in the kitchen making dinner and the kids were out back. The sun had finally sunken low enough that they could play without its burning rays. They were on the trampoline; all four of them laughing and jumping. I thought of all the hours we spent doing the same thing. I wondered if we had all been happy and carefree those years while you suffered quietly. If your smiles had masked real pain. I watched my kids and prayed they would never lose each other...it's just too painful.

You always said if you died we'd be fine. We are fine. We are still working and laughing and living but we will never be the same. My kids will never be the same. My heart will never feel the same. I hope you see it so you know it.

Love you Sissy.

trip #6 with hammels

2016-07-24T21:41:00.001-07:00

There are friends, and then there are the Hammels.

The ones who will fly from Seattle then rent a car then drive three hours just to stay in a cabin with you at Duck Creek.

The ones who hike in the heat when they prefer coffee on a rainy morning in a super dreary place called Gig Harbor (The Gig).

Ones whose rental car breaks down in Cedar City and spend eight hours just trying to get back to Vegas after a week of lots of car time.

The ones who helped us eat a PIE EACH NIGHT after the kids were in bed because sometimes traveling with kids makes you want to ~~blow your brains out~~, ~~drink strong alcohol~~, eat pie and then talk until midnight. Mountain Berry was my personal favorite.

Love and miss you Hammels.

thank you sissy

2016-06-24T14:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Sissy,

Last night we went out with friends but Tod and I drove separately. On my way home alone, my thoughts turned to you. During the day when the sun is high and there are kids running in and out of my house, I can keep my thoughts pretty happy. But when the kids are in bed and the moon rises and especially when I'm alone, I start letting myself remember that you're gone. As I drove home I started talking to you out loud. As if you were sitting in the passenger seat. I told you how overwhelmed I feel this summer carrying this loss on top of my normal life. And how people ask if I'm feeling better....how does a person answer that? Yes? No? Yes because I'm learning to carry more weight and pain each day but no because I wish I didn't have to?

Then I asked you for a favor. I said these words out loud: "Kristi, please come see me in my dreams tonight. Tell me that you are ok. Show me that you are happy and prove that you still exist. Dad has done it for me when I've needed it and now I need it from you. Please come in my dreams tonight."

Then I got home, closed the garage door and went to bed.

The next morning I completely forgot about that conversation with you. I was rushing Ruby out the door to art camp when Larry said to me, "Hey Mom....I want to tell you about my dream." I told him I'd hear all about it when I got back.

Awhile later I was cleaning up breakfast and Larry was quietly sitting on the couch. I realized I had blown him off earlier so I asked about his dream. I sat down next to him so he felt like I cared. Even though hearing my kids' dreams every morning is about the worst thing on the planet.

Here is what he said:

"In my dream, our family was altogether and we were traveling through a portal. It was kind of like a tunnel that you had to go through to get to the afterlife. We were in the portal all together but then you guys left me. I was stuck in the portal all alone and I was so scared! But then the door opened and Kristi was standing there. She was smiling at me. She kneeled down and gave me a big hug, and then I woke up."

As he told me his dream, his lips were quivering and he had big tears rolling down his cheeks.

I asked what Kristi looked like. He said, "Exactly how she looked when she was alive."

I asked if Kristi looked happy. He smiled and said, "Yes. Really happy."

I stared into his face and felt grateful for his intuitive spirit. Grateful for being so available that Kristi was able to make her way through and say, I'm okay.

I told Tod the story and now we were all emotional. We talked about the day of the funeral...afterwards we had to drive home and Larry was quiet most of the way. When we stopped for dinner I sat next to him and asked how he was feeling and if he was okay. His answer:

"I was feeling really sad, especially when they opened the casket and I saw her body. It didn't look like her at all. So I started feeling scared and Uncle Tommy started talking....but then his voice faded out and I heard Kristi whisper in my ear: ' Don't worry Larry...I'm okay,' and then I wasn't scared anymore."

Again, with tears rolling down his face.

Larry is my sincere, kind, sensitive, and emotionally aware child. If I had to send a message from the other side, I'd probably send it to Larry as well.

Kristi, we miss you so much that it hurts. Thanks for the message though and thank you for staying close. I can do this as long as you stay close.

summer begins

2016-06-07T19:13:00.002-07:00

Memorial weekend was rough.

I was emotional and sad and missing Kristi and seeing pictures of her grave all weekend and I just felt out of sorts.

That Sunday night Jen texted me: Want to go to the lake tomorrow?

I grew up boating with neighbors and friends most of my life. I love Lake Powell, I love water skiing, I LOVE BEING OUT IN THE SUN ON THE WATER.

I have not felt as happy as I did that day in months. It was exactly what I needed.

What I didn't realize was that we would be spending the day on her parents' 65 foot long house boat. This is the way to go my friends.

Pure bliss. I have felt so much better ever since. I am thankful for friends who seem to know what I need when I need it. And thankful for my mama for helping me go.

spring

2016-06-07T19:08:00.002-07:00

spring has come and gone.

Lucky to get a visit from Grandma and Grandpa Wever. They even made it to two football games. One loss and one win.

Lennon finished 2nd grade and invited me to his school for a mother's day program. It was darling.

I love him.

Ruby had her first dentist appointment where she waited like this for about five minutes until he finally came in. She follows the rules. She is like a mini-Holly but more fun and maybe a little sassier.

Football season ended but the boys took third and I was so proud!

Big neighborhood BBQ for Larry's birthday....two unreal cakes from Megan. I mean....UNREAL.

Bey blades

Ruby's bribe for performing Dirty Dancing's "Time of My Life" at ward talent show with Ty. It's on Youtube somewhere and worth your time.

Larry...done with Kindergarten. My sweet sweet boy.

Bring on summer.

post on mom

2016-05-25T17:14:00.000-07:00

Ann Dee, this is for you AND for Grandma AND of course, for my mom.

My mom was present when all four of my babies were born. I have memories of each but I'll never forget when Ruby was born. It was April 5th when we checked into the hospital and I was uncomfortable and in a lot of pain. When I arrived they told me I was at a 5 and would probably have this baby within a couple hours. A couple hours turned into a few hours and soon it was 1 am and still no baby. The room was FREEZING and Tod finally fell asleep on a chair next to me. My mom found a blanket and stayed up with me for awhile but eventually fell asleep as well. I remember that dark hospital room, ice cold, monitors beeping. Next to me my sleeping husband and across from me my sleeping mom. My sleeping mom who had been here before. Who had been in labor, in the newborn sleepless night phase, who had raised small children into teenagers and who now had four adult kids. I was so thankful to have her right there, sleeping near me. I watched Gone with the Wind that night by myself while they slept. Throughout the night she'd wake up and ask me if I was okay or if anything had changed. By morning....still no baby. She didn't dare leave for breakfast because she didn't want to miss anything. And she was standing right next to me when my stomach started to change shapes and I told her to look and we both said, THAT BABY IS FLIPPING OVER! And Ruby was flipping over. As soon as she did, the contractions came closer and harder and pretty soon the nurse announced I was at a 10 PLUS. This is when bright lights are wheeled in and the room fills with nurses and the doctor shows up and starts talking to Tod and it became very hectic. I will never forget, though, this quiet feeling I had inside and how the thought of my dad came rushing to my head. I mentioned this to my mom and it seemed like all noise went away for a minute as he told my little girl goodbye. I felt him there as I looked right at my mom.

The room became very quiet as they dimmed the ceiling lights and the doctor told me to push. It felt like everyone was whispering and there was no drama or panic. After a few pushes, he held up a baby and I saw that it was my first girl. My only daughter. And I looked over at my mom and she had tears streaming down her face. Ruby was the best most spectacular surprise of my life and my mom was there for it. I will always be grateful. Happy Mother's Day to the incredible women in my life.

Thanks Ann Dee xoxoxo

Kristi's first half marathon

2016-05-17T15:42:00.001-07:00

When you died I was training with some friends for a half marathon. I decided to quit training because I felt too sad and tired and defeated. I couldn't sleep and my eating was sporadic. However, Tod talked me into continuing so I slowly picked myself up every Saturday morning and dragged myself out of bed and through a long run. I felt weak and slow and heavy. Each run I became slower and slower and I started to doubt if I could run the race at all.

The week of the race the forecast was SNOW AND RAIN up at Mt. Charleston. They said wear gloves, beanies, waterproof jackets...it sounded awful. I've done two marathons in pouring rain and it is miserable. I was dreading it.

That morning I woke up at 3:30 am to get ready. As I drove to Megan's house I started talking to you out loud. Told you how crappy I had trained. How bad the weather was supposed to be. What little desire I had to run that day. I asked if you would run with me. Stay with me. Help me. Because I kept training for you. Every step was for you. Every day that I get out of bed I do it because I am going to keep living for you. So this race was for you too. To show you I can keep going and that we won't give up because you didn't either.

As our buses drove us up the mountain the clouds were dark and heavy. I had a pit in my stomach as I envisioned an hour of standing in the rain followed by a couple hours running in it. When we got off the bus, though, the clouds were parting. People were shedding their layers and there was a huge sense of surprise and relief because this was perfect running weather. We walked to the starting line and as I crossed it I started moving my feet faster and faster but could hardly feel the pavement below me. My breath was easy and it felt like I was flying. Megan signaled to her watch and told me we were running a 7:30 pace. That is NOT my pace. I'm closer to a 9 minute mile but we kept going because it felt effortless.

Around mile 7 I started to do the math and realized I could finish in under two hours. This was unbelievable to me because my pace has always been slow and my times for half marathons usually closer to 2:25. I figured I'd probably have to slow down soon so I didn't get my hopes up but I said out loud to you, "Kristi...let's finish under two. Let's go faster." I had the playlist you made for me playing in my ears and my feet were still not even touching the ground. I was passing people without trying and wondering the whole time WHAT IN THE HELL WAS HAPPENING because this was not my pace.

The last two miles were our fastest. I realized that I had help. I could feel the lift from somewhere. So we sprinted the last two (uphill) miles and finished in 1:55 (according to race website). To my total and complete surprise.

This is how I know you were there: I've been running a long time and this was not even close to my pace. I had energy and power and it wasn't coming from me. We had never run a race together before but I have a feeling there will be more to come.

It must've been so hard when you were alive to never help anyone but yourself. You were so sick and didn't have time or money or reserves to give much else. All of your resources went towards feeding your addiction. I look back and realize that you weren't selfish...you were a very very sick girl. Your addiction took over years ago. You wanted to help us, you wanted to give Christmas gifts, you wanted to spoil our kids but you couldn't. I understand now. It feels like now you actually have something to offer us. Your story. Your spirit. Your tragic death as a reminder to treat life carefully and love fully. And running with you felt like running with wings and I appreciate that you took the time to show me you're still with us. I needed that. I will never forget.

Sometimes at night when I'm trying to sleep I picture you laughing so hard that your eyes close and squint and you throw your head back and tears start to run

down my face. I can still see you laying on the couch talking with my kids or snuggling during a movie or driving me somewhere in your car making me listen to a new song. This pain is so sharp. Please stay close. I'm not ready to let you go.

xoxoxo

dear sissy sue

2016-05-02T10:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Sissy,

Over the weekend I put my foot down and said NOT ONE MORE DAY OF THIS MESSY GARAGE so Tod spent about eight hours on Saturday cleaning it out for me. He found a mix CD you made for my long runs a couple years ago. You wrote on it: Mix #1 Love, Sissy. When Tod showed it to me I immediately turned on the car and rolled down the windows and we listened to the whole thing while we Tod cleaned the garage. As I listened to the songs you hand picked for me I remembered in October when you wanted to come out and clean our garage for me. It never happened but here we were, listening to your mix and cleaning it without you. Life is weird sometimes.

You've missed so much in the short eight weeks since Mom found you and you were no longer you. I saw an elderly Asian woman at Costco the other day wearing high waisted white mom jeans with a HUGE Harley Davidson patch sewn onto her back pocket. I reached for my phone to take a picture and send to you. I'm so mad you've done this to yourself and to all of us.

Tommy and Shantay brought Cooper out for their first LPA conference at Red Rock. We took the boys to some of the activities and I was so proud of them. They mingled and made conversations and treated everyone kindly and with respect. Not to mention they tore up the dance floor which was impressive; they were the only average size kids out there. I was so proud. You would've loved it.

Ruby turned four. She picked out a princess dress and crown to wear to her party. Katy was in town and helped me make a treasure hunt in the culdesac. The kids had fun but when they left I was ready for bed.

I've been running a lot lately. I have lost the desire to run so I do it now purely to clear my head and feel like a normal person again. Things I used to love to do I feel apathetic towards now. Hopefully that doesn't last forever. I have a race this Saturday and thanks to you...now I have some music for it too.

Larry's shoes looked like this for awhile so I finally bought him a new pair. They were blue and red and pretty cool skater looking shoes. We took the kids bowling that night and Larry LEFT HIS BRAND NEW SHOE AT THE BOWLING ALLEY and someone stole them. So he had to wear these again until he earned a second new pair. I felt bad sending him to school like this everyday but YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE YOUR SHOES WHEREVER. Lesson learned I think.

Just a normal outfit for Ruby these days.

Tod took each of the boys to work with him for a whole day AKA they went to lunch and a movie. They were thrilled.

He's also coaching their flag football team this spring. They are really good! We've only lost once and I can't believe how these boys can run and pass so well already. You would seriously love watching them play.

Life at home has been pretty normal. At least it looks normal on the outside. On the inside I'm usually nauseous, anxious, or just deeply deeply sad. Losing you has created a pain in my gut that I've never felt before. I'm okay until I really let myself feel and know that you're gone and then it's all I can do just to stay upright and finish dinner or laundry or homework or whatever. What I wish I could do is just stay in bed. Trying to get up and live everyday.

Finally, Lennon built his first Pinewood Derby car. He worked SO MANY HOURS on it. He and Tod would leave for nights in a row to work on it.

Before the race he said, "Mom...I think I'm going to win."

That's when I told him this was his first year...winning isn't everything...we can be happy even if we don't win, etc...

And he won. The whole thing.

I wish I could call you and tell you all this even just one more time.

XOXO

dear sissy,

2016-04-02T20:22:00.002-07:00

Do dead people read blogs? Probably not. But yesterday Ann Dee texted me and said, "Be sure to write everything down" and since I have about four followers I figured I could do it here. Although now I want a billion followers because I want everyone to know that they probably know someone who will die from drugs. Because it started innocently with pills which have no scent or marks on your body but those became too expensive so you tried heroin and now you're in the ground.

But you're not really in the ground. Because on Monday I was driving in my car with three loud kids so I turned the radio down and started talking to you out loud. I told you that I was having a crappy day and how little things like making dinner overwhelm me and that I wish you were in the passenger seat right then. Then I told you I WISH WE HAD MADE A PLAN in case this had happened. Made a way to communicate that you were ok after you'd died. Why hadn't we designated a sign or a song so that we could stay in touch? I finished by asking you to let me know if you were near, let me know if you were close to us. PLEASE. I finished my talk and turned the radio back up just as Neil Young's Heart of Gold started playing. I will not forget the chills up my leg and how I laughed and cried the rest of my drive home.

Tomorrow marks four weeks since you died. Four weeks since you told Mom you weren't hungry but were going to read before bed but instead died in a room all alone. But were you alone? When I am feeling hopeful, I picture Dad reaching through some type of veil or wall or door and pulling you in to be with him. I imagine him saying that Mom had done all she could; that we had done all we could and he would take it from there. Is that true? And how is Dad?

But did we do all we could? I find myself putting dishes away and sobbing apologies to you at 10 am sometimes. Sometimes I don't know why I didn't get on a plane when you were overdosing last summer. Why wasn't I doing all the research I'm doing now on heroin? Why didn't I watch that documentary about addiction two years ago when you asked me to? I'm sorry I'm sorry I am so so sorry. I didn't take it seriously because I guess I didn't know it was serious. I guess I believed you to make myself more comfortable. Maybe you would've died anyway but mostly I am convinced I could have saved you and didn't. Instead of paying for methadone or rehab, I remodeled my house last summer. Even if you've forgiven me, will I ever be able to forgive myself?

I took care of you most of your life. Mom would argue but I basically raised you. Got you ready every morning for preschool and walked you there. Picked you up after school. Walked you to kindergarten everyday and took you home after school. Baked microwave cakes for you before Mom got home from work. I liked that you were a tomboy and I liked that you were different. I was the only one who you would let curl your hair for church. I was there when you slid into home base and broke your ankle and that was IMPRESSIVE for a tiny little girl. I adored you.

When you started lying and stealing and changing I still loved you. I never stopped. I just had to create space. I had to protect my kids. I didn't know where you had gone. There were times when the old Kristi was back and you once asked what the old Kristi was like. She was beautiful, smart, witty, funny, fun, adventurous, caring, logical, a great listener who gave excellent advice. Remember my breakup in college? And how you reminded me that he was the biggest dork on the planet and we had the best laugh? You were right and I felt better. That was the old Kristi. But she was fading away.

We took this picture at Dad's grave. Weird to look back....you are now buried right where that light shines in the background.

I'm sorry I talked to you about college instead of rehab six days before you died. Sorry we were sending you inspirational speeches the night before you died when actually you needed professional help. I'm sorry I didn't take care of you in the end. I'm sorry you're not here anymore. When I think about Thanksgiving, birthdays, summers, hikes, visits without you it is unbearable. Sometimes I forget why I'm sad and when I remember it's like being punched in the gut. When Dad died I was heartbroken but there was nothing we could have done more for him. Your death is such a tragedy. You were so young and beautiful. Remember that last weekend when we went for Indian food one night and you were getting all the riddles right on the first try and Lennon started crying? You told him, "Listen Lennon...I don't have a lot going for me right now. Let me have these riddles."

Remember when you texted me and asked if you should wear your Only God Can Judge Me shirt to court the next day? You always, always, always made me laugh.

Right now I feel a lot of guilt and regret and sadness. I'm hoping with time and maybe some help I can turn that into something more positive. Our family is focusing on having LIGHT right now. We have been memorizing Grandpa's favorite scripture, D&C 50:24: That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.

I will try to focus on light. I will try to fill my mind with light. I will try to be a light to other people even though my light feels dim right now. Sissy, I'm sorry I let you down and I'm sorry I didn't know. I should have known. I'll miss you until I am with you again.

Emoji heart, emoji skier, emoji Asian twins, emoji eggplant, emoji crocodile, emoji tacos, emoji broken heart.

funeral talk

2016-03-21T09:46:00.001-07:00

I want to begin by publicly thanking Kristi for helping me almost realize one of my dreams. I have a really weird talent for knowing song lyrics. I always wanted to be on that show Don't Forget the Lyrics. So when their audition tour came to Vegas, she made me go. We drove to this seedy hotel downtown and Kristi signed me up. But then we were told I had to PERFORM a song on a stage in front of producers and people and I wanted to leave. I know lyrics but I am NOT a performer. Kristi made me stay and auditioned too so I wouldn't be alone. While we stood in line, we called my dad and asked for advice on which songs to sing. She decided on Billy Joel's Allentown and I chose Cheeseburger in Paradise. She went first and worked the crowd. Sang so loud, danced on the stage. Not because she wanted to get on the show but because she wanted me to follow her lead. So I did. I went nuts. And because of her mentoring and faith in me, I made it into the semi finals.............of tryouts. My favorite part of that day was just sitting on the floor, waiting our turns, and laughing with each other. So thank you Kristi. We almost did it.

A week before she died, we came into town and took Kristi through the Provo temple openhouse. As most of you probably know, it nearly burned down six years ago and many were afraid it was lost forever.

Instead, this burnt tabernacle was restored. They took six years to beautify and rebuild it. This weekend it will be dedicated as a temple. What felt like a tragedy and a loss has actually become something even more beautiful and sacred.

Kristi held Ruby on her lap during the introduction video. Then she walked with us through the beautiful rooms and we talked about how beautiful every single detail was. We even took pictures afterwards.

That weekend we had long talks about her life. She was discouraged. She felt very alone. While I didn't know the extent of her pain or problems, I knew she needed hope. Desperately. I also realized that I needed hope for her too.

I told her during one of our talks that she was just like this tabernacle. She laughed but I told her she had been hurt and burned and damaged but could be rebuilt. I told her she could be restored. I told her that these decisions didn't define her. She had tears rolling down her face as we talked.

So we made a plan. We made a list. I gave her a two week set of daily goals. I told her I wanted a text each night letting me know what she had accomplished. The list was simple. Take a shower. One hour walking in the sunshine each day. Do something for Mom. Make your bed. Kneel before bed and pray. She tearfully agreed to everything on the list. I wondered whether or not she would follow through.

The next day she texted me. She had accomplished her daily goals. In fact, she texted me every night her last week. Her texts always listed her accomplishments that day including praying on her knees before bed.

She told me that for the first time in a long time, she had hope.

Elder Jeffrey R Holland said,

"Every one of us has times when we need to know things will get better. Moroni spoke of it in the Book of Mormon as “hope for a better world.”²For emotional health and spiritual stamina, everyone needs to be able to look forward to some respite, to something pleasant and renewing and hopeful, whether that blessing be near at hand or still some distance ahead. It is enough just to know we can get there, that however measured or far away, there is the promise of “good things to come.”

Kristi was taking action. She was trying the best that she could to rise from her ashes. She felt loved and supported. She had hope of good things to come.

The fact that Kristi died before she could accomplish these goals does not mean she is done. I see this death as a new beginning for Kristi. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf once said,

"We are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless¹³ and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny."

Kristi left this world with hope for a better future. She will carry that hope with her into heaven. Her hope was made up of a family who loved her, friends who never gave up on her, and I believe, a knowledge that God lives and Jesus is indeed the Christ.

If you know someone who needs hope, please leave this funeral today and help them. Please pick up your phone and call them. Please get into your car and visit them. If you feel hopeless, please remember Kristi and start small. Take a shower. Take a walk. Make your bed. Kneel down and pray. Ask God for help. He knows your name. He loves every single one of us. As Elder Holland said in that same conference talk,

"Don’t give up. Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead—a lot of it. You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.”

I am heartbroken but I have hope.

Kristi, my Sissy, I will miss your beautiful face. I will miss our talks. I will miss how much you loved our kids. I will miss all your basketball games we watched while Tod yelled, "Put Em in a body bag, Provo!" I will miss making you no baked while you lay on the couch. I will miss hiking the Y with you and laughing with you and every, every, everything with you.

You were beautiful here on earth but now you have the opportunity to transform into a sacred and holy temple yourself and become more than you ever thought possible. Rise from your ashes, Sissy. And give Dad a hug from me.

I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe in God. I have read and believe in the Book of Mormon that teaches about love, repentance, forgiveness, redemption and most of all, hope.

goodbye to my sissy sue

2016-03-21T09:37:00.000-07:00

How do you tell your baby sister goodbye?

How do you sum up a life in an obituary (click here to read)?

How do you plan a funeral, write a talk, grieve with family when your heart feels shattered?

How do you accept that she's not coming back?

How do you never text or call her again?

Kristi's prom, 2003

Kari's wedding, August 2011

Hiking the Y, Aug. 2015

Tommy's wedding, October 2010

June 2007; eight months pregnant with Lennon so Kristi spent the day in the pool with me so I could lay on my stomach.

Tommy's wedding

San Diego, April 2011

Christmas Eve at Outback, 2010

The hat we buried her in

After the funeral. Brent played one of her favorite songs, "Heart of Gold" then he and Diana played "Blackbird" before we had to say goodbye.

Buried close to my dad

My last kiss to her. Followed by about 10 more.

When I look at these pictures I'm furious that I didn't assume she was still using heroin. On the left is the weekend before she passed. She looked horrible and felt horrible and acted quiet and depressed. How could I not have known? Why didn't I throw her in my car and take her straight to a treatment center? How could I leave her?

Grief comes in waves of nausea, disbelief, regret, but mostly just a deep pain that doesn't let up because I cannot believe she is gone.

remembering the daily

2016-01-27T15:32:00.000-08:00

What's been going on around our house this month:

These two practicing piano together. Nice when your older son knows how to help the younger because I know nothing about piano. Thinking about teaching Ruby the violin if I dare.

Larry at Sully's balloon release: January 15.

It's been three years. Hard to believe.

I don't want to embarrass Tod but he slept like this after church the other day for hours. Kids coming in and out, screaming, fighting....he didn't even move. He is blessed with the ability to tune it all out and it makes me jealous.

Larry and his best buddy Thomas.

Megan came over Friday and we spent the morning making homemade Larabars. Way cheaper than regular bars. I don't have many friends who will spend the day doing this while also taking turns going for runs/watching the kids. Match made in heaven.

Tod took older boys to the Beehive Brawl tournament in UT last weekend and called me that night.

Tod: "You will never guess what I bought Larry from a gas station."

Me: "A coonskin hat?"

Tod: [stunned silence]

I don't know how I knew but it looks pretty sweet on Thomas too.

This illegal picture was taken when Tod forgot to put carseats back into my car and Ruby was late for school Monday morning. He survived the five minute drive. Stuff you do with your fourth kid. Don't arrest me.

Speaking of fourth kid, Thomas is getting funny. He says Uh Oh, POPO when the kids see a cop, he likes digging in drawers and he now knows how to escape the barricaded loft. I didn't know how he kept getting out until one day I walked by and witnessed his kamikaze roll off the back of the couch, suicide mission style, and taking the drop to the floor like a real man.

That has changed life dramatically.

And this one walked into my room yesterday and asked if she could workout in my bathroom. I told her yes and then before I knew it, this was happening:

She also had croup last week so I took her to the doctor. When he walked in, he said, "Hello Ruby, how are you feeling today?"

Ruby: "Kinda bad...I've been coughing a lot...wait a minute, how did you know my name? Have you been creeping around my neighborhood?"

He laughed, to my relief. That was when she turned to me and asked,

"Is this doctor totally cray cray?"

laguna beaches

2016-01-27T15:17:00.000-08:00

Tiffany turned 40 so we decided to get out of dodge.

As we drove away a part of me felt like I was escaping prison.

Not because I don't love my kids or my husband but because at home, SOMEONE ALWAYS NEEDS SOMETHING FROM ME.

I am the last one to eat and I'm usually cleaning the kitchen for the 100th time around 10 pm.

Something I love about Las Vegas is you can drive a few hours either way and end up in a whole other world. We drove about three hours west (Heather makes excellent time) and checked into Laguna Beach House hotel.

This picture was supposed to show who slightly overpacked...we could hardly fit anything else in the trunk. Which kept popping open, BTW.

fig and olive dinner

Saturday morning yoga, picture I sent to my kids to say good morning and I love you even though I don't miss you yet.

Hike to the top of the world.

I took these pics because when we had technical difficulties with the TV, Tiff and I stayed comfortably in bed while Heather and Emily got up and problem solved.

My view while they worked things out. There are doers and there are those who just lay there.

View during our walk Sunday morning.

Enjoyed some shopping and I was able to also show off my uncanny talent to look pregnant at any given time/place/situation. Muscle memory.

It's like a dreamland there.

Birthday girl and me

This weekend away sent me home feeling happy, thankful, energized and supported by these women. Did we sing Indigo Girls with the windows down? Yes. Did we stay up one night until 1 am giggling over (Tod) stories? Yes. Did I tell them the one where I thought he'd been raped behind the Crystal Inn in Cedar City at 2 am? You betcha.

I love being near the ocean and I am thankful for incredible friends.

Happy Birthday Tiff xoxoxo

Christmas.... a month later.

2016-01-27T15:02:00.001-08:00

I used to blog all the time. In my defense, I only had one or two kids and I had way more time. I miss it. I miss writing down the mundane and remembering the little stuff. I'll just keep trying.

Christmas this year was my favorite in a long time. Our kids are at such fun ages. I loved having Christmas in our new house. It was so great to not be pregnant or nursing or have a newborn up all night....the kids all played and the weather was beautiful and I loved it.

These were (trust me) our best shots from Christmas morning. I don't know how anyone gets good pictures that morning with so much going on.

Thomas was into it this year...he's definitely not a baby anymore.

Ruby loves Fancy Nancy and got a few new books she didn't already have.

The boys got some new bikes and lots of footballs, baseballs and soccer balls for the culdesac. We spent Christmas day playing baseball; Tod and I successfully beat our boys and their buddies in a close game. Tod dominated in the outfield while I proved to be our team's star at bat.

Not pictured: Christmas Eve with Tiff, her girls and her sister and family. I loved filling my house with people and eating good food together. It made me so happy.

Now THIS bruise was worse than it even looks in the picture. Gingerbread house making casualty...long story but I'm not kidding...I got this bruise making a gingerbread house. Ask Jen Richards if you think I'm lying.

After Christmas we headed to the bay area to visit Tod's family. The kids enjoyed their first ferry ride while their mom watched in horror. All I kept thinking was how fast I could dive over the edge if someone went overboard. Sometimes I think I'm insane.

We got to the city and showed the kids the sea lions, some homemade donuts, and a merry go round. Aunt Ali was killing it on that horse. Killing it.

And you don't even have to say it...this one is trouble. She is so self assured it scares me.

It's fun for our kids to have cousins as friends on both sides. I was impressed that we took nine kids into the city for the day and came back with nine as well. That took some effort and for that I give all adults involved a pat on the back.

The next day Tod and Rick took the boys out on ATVs for the day so we stayed home with Ali and baked cookies. Ruby loves her aunts...they are really sweet with her. We rented a house in Alameda near Ali which was an ideal location. Way better than a hotel room with four kids.

We have more pictures from the trip but they are all on Tod's phone.

I also want to thank Carol for my new favorite earrings. I can't wear them enough; she nailed it when she found these. They are beautiful, thank you.

When we returned home, Tod and I were happy to resume our positions in the loft in front of the TV. We bought the kids a retro console with Nintendo and Super Nintendo in one. We started off "showing" them how to play Zelda and then in the end we were sending them outside to play so we could have some peace and quiet. Tod was up until 2 am one night playing so the next morning I asked if he made any progress. His response:

"Well, no. But I do know that the magic wand does NOT kill the spider. I also got the raft and the red ring...."

nerdalert

happy thanksgiving in the snow

2015-12-03T19:23:00.002-08:00

We are headed to California over Christmas break so we headed to Utah for Thanksgiving.

The first thing I want to say is that I get a cold sore every.single.time. we go to Utah for Thanksgiving. I'd like to thank Tod for giving me this herpe virus (is it a virus?) and also thank God for allowing it each year....it keeps me humble. You never want to look TOO good.

Family 5K Thanksgiving morning. Did Lennon get lost and ask a man for help and then get in his car and GET A RIDE? Yes. But did I run my fastest 5K? Yes. So for me...it worked out.

In this picture above I'm hugging my grandpa Larry. What I also did was try to crop out my cold sore. So there's a lot going on.

The day before Thanksgiving, my mom and I baked pies. Jordan made amazing sweet potatoes, Shantay brought a gorgeous salad and the rolls were perfect.

Tod asked how he could help so I told him he'd be in charge of the turkey. He said he could manage it between football games.

What you're looking at is a turkey that has been cooked three hours too long. We haven't even eaten or carved it yet; it fell apart at first touch. Please look at my mom's face (above). Tod is lucky she likes him because when she said for everyone to leave the kitchen I think she really meant it.

I don't even like turkey so I was fine. I think a few other people were slightly disappointed.

After dinner we turned on music and Ruby started dancing. Then my mom started and then Tommy and Shantay. Pretty soon, we were all dancing.

At one point I looked up and my mom was laughing with Bill and Bill's daughter Jordan was dancing with her daughter Brynlie. My kids were dancing with Tod while Shantay filmed it. Tommy was bouncing Cooper and making him giggle. Bill's kids lost their mom to cancer when they were 12 and 14. And we lost my dad at the young age of 56. I looked around the room and thought of all the hard stuff life throws at us but how light always peeks through. All that loss is what brought these people into the same room on Thanksgiving. The house was full of light and happiness and hope. I want to remember that moment forever.

Movies with Millie's kids and 2/3 of Ann Dee's kids then mine. Remember when we were young and learning how to drive stick shifts in church parking lots? When did all this happen???

I want to say that I was the one who braided Ruby's hair. This was a huge feat.

BYU Museum of Art had a Norman Rockwell exhibit that was amazing. It looked like Larry was in half of them.

CougarEat for dinner afterwards. Mom and Dad told the kids stories of all the time they spent eating there together in college and the kids couldn't have cared less.

I'd like to thank Costco for having real winter coats for sale this year even though it's 60 degrees in Vegas.

Snowy walk to the car. I took this picture because sometimes I wonder how I lived so many years without these five.

Thankful doesn't cover it.

hiking sans kids

2015-12-03T19:05:00.004-08:00

In high school Saturdays were all about me sleeping in. Maybe I had some chores but then the rest of the day and night I could do what I wanted.

In college Saturdays were all about me sleeping in. Then they were about getting my laundry done, grocery shopping for my food for the next week, and maybe going out on a date that night.

As newlyweds, Saturdays were all about us sleeping in. About movie marathons (one time we dragged a blow up mattress into our living room for two straight days of Six Feet Under), two hours at the gym, lunches out and then of course dinner out because who cooks?

Saturdays with kids are none of these things.

So we decided to get a sitter and head to Mt. Charleston with Eric and Ruth. I felt guilty leaving the kids until I told them they were going to have a sitter and they all started high-fiving.

Mt. Charleston is only about 25 minutes away and home of the OLDEST TREES IN THE WORLD. Yes you read that correctly. Go look it up.

So RIP what Saturdays used to look like and thank you to the Nelsons for the reminder xoxo

happy nevada day plus two teacher work days plus all my kids were sick

2015-11-09T19:51:00.001-08:00

It started with Thomas and a 103 fever.

Two days later I got it.

Lennon came home from trick or treating burning up.

The next morning it was Larry.

I thought Ruby had escaped it all until she started throwing up.

This all happened during Nevada Day's five day weekend and I almost lost my mind.

One day (I think day four?) the kids were so sick of being sick that they built this Rolls Royce and started pushing the baby around in it. No one was fighting, no one was complaining or arguing so I documented. Silver lining in a pretty stormy long weekend. Thomas was in heaven.

Another silver lining: Ruby kept throwing up so when I put her to bed I put a bowl next to her on the dresser. I told her to use it if she needed to throw up and then to come wake up Mom and Dad. She said ok and went to sleep.

The next morning I went into her room, assuming she hadn't thrown up. We didn't hear from her all night. I looked into the bowl and it was full. She threw up all night in it and never woke anyone up and didn't even make a mess. I asked her if she just threw up and kept going back to bed and she said, "Yep!"

Sorry boys, your sister is tougher than any of us.

Also, a quick public apology to Tod for backing out of the garage today before the garage door was totally open. The good news: Garage door still works! Only missing that bottom piece which (in my opinion) was just for looks anyways.

i'm watching fletch while I post this

2015-11-09T19:41:00.001-08:00

...just the music of this movie alone makes me happy.

Halloween 2015...it's a miracle there are pictures at all. I was running a fever which was passed to Lennon, then Larry and eventually Ruby. It was a memorable five day weekend...

Ruby made the cutest Dorothy I've ever seen and the reason there are more pictures of her than the boys is because girl's costumes are way more fun on Halloween. Sorry.

Thankfully our neighbor Lisa knows how to french braid because look at this....and this is after watching maybe five YouTube tutorials and several attempts. Poor girl. Lame Mom.

Larry's parade at school. Taken by his mother whose temperature was probably around 102.

Party in the cul-de-sac Halloween night...potluck dinner, trick or treating, movie in the driveway then burning pumpkins before bed.

Thomas seemed pretty stoked on everything.

Until next time...

when the lights...go down....on your thirties

2015-10-22T13:47:00.004-07:00

McCall is a genius and decided we should buy $44 plane tickets to San Francisco for the day to celebrate Emily 's 40th birthday.

If Emily were a color she would be Golden...it doesn't get much better than her.

Was she surprised when we showed up at her house around 6:30 am on a Tuesday with Brooke in a bikini?

Yes.

Was it the best day I've had in a long time? Yes again.

We used Uber to get downtown, the bus to get to the farmer's market, a bus to get to our bikes, bikes to get to Sausalito, a ferry to get back to the city, a trolley to get downtown again and BART to get back to the airport that night. I kept thinking that every mom needs a day...on a bike...in the sunshine...in a totally different place. Just a reminder that life exists outside of the daily.

Speaking of BART, I want to publicly apologize to everyone riding that night whose heads I hit with my backpack (by accident) and I will not go into detail about what happened on Bart but let's just say I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.

The weather was perfect. I couldn't believe how beautiful the city looked from the bridge.

Farmer's Market where we bypassed most of the produce and each spent about $30 on chocolate.

This picture at Dottie's (which is closed on Tuesdays, FYI) was taken after a horrifying walk through an alley where Heather may or may not have stepped in (human) feces and about ten homeless men killed/robbed us with their eyes.

My friends are smart, funny and resilient. Their stories are filled with happiness and heartache. What I love about them is they're always trying, always getting back up, always moving forward.

Inspires me to do the same. Just keep going. There are bike rides in the sunshine ahead.

I vote somewhere tropical next time.