I instantly liked him. I’m okay with CCDs, in fact their Iced Eskimo is my favorite cold coffee. But, knowing very little about this guy, I liked him. Just because he doesn’t like a particular cafe chain? What does that say about the person he is? No non-sense? Closer to earth. Doesn’t make people who enjoy CCD farther from earth, but makes the non-CCDites closer to earth.

"People who don’t like CCD" = good -> did I just form the latest stereotype? And here I am, taking pseudo-pride in making opinions of people independent of the stereotype associated with them based on caste, region, religion, etc.

Made me wonder about what other stereotypes I have hidden within – positive or negative.

• Whether or not they go out in public with oiled hair?
• Does she wear georgette salwar suits with "bling" embroidery work?
• The colors of lipstick she prefers.
• Stubble or no stubble and how he carries it?
• A statement like, "I shop only in South Bombay."

Geez…there’s a whole lot…not good, not good.

Do you have such filters too? What are they?

The prick from the silly mosquito which loved my right elbow didn’t matter any more.

It’s not like I can’t pick the phone and talk to her,

A written word means another whole world.

I can read it again.

Just like the unexpected SMS from another friend.

All the body ache and headache passed away, was dead,

The body and the head felt alive even without the pain.

There was something more than 2 crocins at work here.

* * *

An exercise at the creative writing workshop I attended had us pick mundane incidents from the day thus far and write about them. This was my attempt.

This will hopefully also mark the healthy recovery of this blog

Do you get angry with an eye on the solution, are your fights directed to a solution?

It’s nice to have your eye on a solution. But, as so many damn situations have it, not all problems have a solution. The two views on some issues are just two parallel tracks of the railway line. Say, you love having pets and she just can’t stand them. Neither can you stop loving someone you care for nor can she be asked to fall in love with non-humans. (Obviously, this problem is specific to couples living together. But I’m willing to bet each couple encounters a solutionless problem at some point or the other – ofcourse guys, there’s difference between ‘awareness of facts’ and ‘pessimism’ – this is the former.)

you’re not any less of yourself if all you want out of life is to keep someone else happy

That’s the sweetest thought in a relationship, but its impractical and thus in an unsustainable state. How many people out there can really say, “this is all I want out of life”. The “this” could be anything, “this” promotion, “this” project, “this” child getting 99% marks, “this” child becoming the best dancer, etc, etc, etc. There is no permanence. Our needs keep changing, escalating even, whether materialistic or otherwise.

AND, with very change that is not there for the next 3-4 decades you are becoming less of yourself…

So, what do you do?

Quit? Never!

Be at each other’s throats for ever and ever? Like that got us anywhere but farther away from each other.

What we could try is -

Spot the differences.

Recognize them; certainly don’t turn a blind eye to them.

Accept them – Don’t yell at each other, sleep over it, mull, and then discuss it. The discussion will have to involve prioritizing the issue at hand in line with all other issues in life. This is possible – slowly you change from shouting instantaneously to waiting a couple minutes, to a couple hours, and so on. Believe me you still might not have a solution, but it gives you a better chance of accepting the difference. By accepting, I mean coming to terms with the difference. Like I have my view, she has hers and that’s how it’s going to be.

The solution ultimately is to get a pet or not. There is no third option. Either choice involves adjustment/change/sacrifice by one. One person has to change their priority and the other person has to acknowledge it. Not acknowledging is taking it for granted – another thing you shouldn’t be doing *all* the time. The two still can’t come to a resolution, then what? I really don’t know…

If that issue is *so* close to your heart, it would have done good if you’d known it before you got in so deep into the relationship. But now that you have, what? I don’t know…

Maybe it is to accept at first that there will be non-optimal solutions or solution-less problems. We can take solace that this situation is not unique to us. But by acknowledging this fact we are giving the much required room…and that’s what both of us need after the “I love you so much that I can…” phase is over…

Once issue resolved/acknowledge, bow a welcome to the next, and then the next…basically…lage raho…
* * *

More things I had problems with digesting –

Relationship has got less to do with the people in it, and more to do with their attitude in general

The attitude is the people. Our attitude is the basic-basic part of who we are.

All we needed to do was dip our heads in a basin of cold water, rearrange the way a few nerves are placed, and bring about a fundamental change to our thinking.

Can you really take the red wire off and plug it in the green socket and the green wire in the blue socket? Even if you can, you’ll be using a lot of duct tape to keep it in the new places which ultimately might wear off with time.

So, maybe you can rearrange the way the nerves are placed, then comes the real question. Can you guarantee that it will stay that way for ever and ever?

There is no ‘all we needed to do’. It’s always one thing followed by the other. And just being prepared for that is a good start.

simply by making a choice keeping in mind your partner, you’re not changing yourself

Acting with your partner’s choice in mind is doing something differently from the way you would have done it if the partner was not around. And this doesn’t happen once or twice, you keep the partner’s choice in mind constantly, and do things differently constantly. Sometimes these are little things, sometimes not so little…and then 2-3 years later you wake up from the “aware but yet blind-in-love” state to “oh $%&*, where did “I” go?” So, in effect you ended up changing yourself.

If one is happy with that, “great! Nothing like it!” But, my guess is that any independent, opinionated, well-exposed person is not going to be. Better blow the bubble the right size instead of having it burst in your face later.

That waking up next to the person you love is truly the one thing you should have throughout your life
That saying you’re sorry every now and then will help you get that

Saying you’re sorry, is not a thing that should be thought of, or done because you like waking up with this person tomorrow…it has to happen naturally because you feel sorry for what “you” have done wrong.

* * *

Does this mean you think, think, think and just quit enjoying?! Geez no! Relationships too can use a balance of ‘work’ and ‘play’…

My typical answers -

• Make a list of how you’d like your partner to be – from outer to inner beauty. Prioritize that. And go around making check-marks or giving percentages. – very flaky, and highly impractical. I look at it as my stop-gap, “give me time to think” solution.
• Have an elimination process. Some things are big no-nos. Reduce the choice and thus the confusion. – Yuck! I know…
• You’ll know it, go by your gut feeling and you’ll be fine. – could I get any more abstract!?

Come on guys! It’s been over 11 years and I was just 22. (And being 22 then was very different from being 22 now, but that’s a discussion for some other day.) You cannot expect me to remember the process I went through. All I remember is let’s take it one day at a time, meaning one boy at a time. Who knew the time would come with just one boy? Shebing-shebang-matter-close. All okay because it has worked out great…so far…except for the regular ups and downs… (another topic for another day) …but not everyone can or should take such a risk. Never!

Ruminating over the topic long enough, and going by my experience so far, I think this is one all-encompassing question that needs an answer -

“How much will I be required to change to be able to sustain this relationship for decades to come?”

And conversely, how much will I need this person to change.

This question needs an answer after the mush-mush-gush-gush “I love you the way you are” period is done with. So, in an arranged marriage scenario, there are practical problems due to social issues, like time spent alone before engagement, etc. Then again, there is no mush-gush in an arranged marriage before the engagement anyways. And society is getting more and more liberal towards time spent alone before you are announced fiancés, so there is hope.

The question needs an answer after the reality of “opposites attract” sinks in. Analogies do have their limitations, you know. That theory applies to magnets, not people! Okay, it applies to people, but NOT in the long run. In the long run you need common interests, common things to talk about.

Think about it, your partner is talking about some major philosophy of life and you cannot get over your fascination with the mathematical beauty of matrices. Or you are completely into making this country, your city, your society a better place to live in and your partner is absolutely content with keeping their self content. None of these are bad things, but a lot of them are incompatible. They sound trivial, but ultimately it’s the conversation that keeps the relationship going. Think about how you’d react if this happened today, tomorrow, a decade later and a quarter of a century later.

So, I think my new “way to go about it” mantra is -

“Judge how much you’d have to change for this person.”

I was pleasantly surprised. The show is not bad at all. For one it has the laser lights making actual outline forms on the water like fish and flowers and bubbles. The projectin of solid figures like human beings and cartoons on the fountains looked cool too, but this was only because this was the first time I saw it. There was nothing arty or creative about them. The same solid figures were also projected on the background wall. And this part was absolutely strictly ok.

What I liked best was the fact that the story being presented made very good use of the medium. So, things were either floating in water or air or cyberspace at most times. The effect created by these images on a range of fountains just fit the bill perfectly.

I hear there is similar stuff in Lumbini Park, Hyderabad. But if you haven’t seen that one and are in Pune for a day or two, this is a good ‘thing-to-do’. Oh yeah, the kids loved it!

I know, by the time you read the entire article, you are going feel terrified of the course. But, the experience was just plain awesome. I find comfort in the fact that I got a peek into what’s going on inside me, how my mind (and body) works and makes me do the things I do.

Like any good theory, the theory behind the technique is based on an assumption. The assumption is that the ultimate aim of life is to achieve “peace of mind”. So, if that’s not your aim of life, this one’s not for you. Doesn’t mean you stop reading here. What happens by the end of the course is that you learn to deal with the smaller disappointments in life.

Now, “peace of mind” is a pretty lofty aim, alright. As in, nothing wrong with having that as an aim, but one needs to be practical. And practical, the course is. They do not claim to teach you how to attain “peace of mind” in these 10 days, nor in the next few months or years or even this life time.

BUT, and a very big BUT, the technique taught can be used to deal with the daily unhappy events of life. And that’s a start, a good one at that. Even if you learn to deal with your headache, or backache, its an achievement, isn’t it? DOES NOT mean you go into the course with the intention of getting rid of regular illnesses. The cures are pure side-effects. You shouldn’t lose sight of the larger aim. And one thing to keep in mind while going into the course -

!!! DO NOT GO IN WITH ANY EXPECTATIONS !!!

Now about the course itself -
I’d like to start of by saying that this is by far THE most secular and logical program to achieve the goal of peace of mind I’ve come across. Calling it secular is an understatement because while the technique taught is as learnt by Gautam Buddha, the discourses ask you to only focus on the technique and not even think of Buddha let alone other deities or beliefs.

The technique is taught by video recordings of guruji – Mr. S. N. Goenka, I call him guruji because he ‘taught’ me this technique through these videos and not because he is a spiritual leader.

At no point are you asked by guruji to stop thinking and asking questions (you are allowed to talk to the asst. teachers). Logical thinking is encouraged. Also, you are not asked to change your style of living once you are out of the course. You can continue doing what you would do, only the attitude would hopefully be different.

I’m going to try and explain what I understood here. There maybe glaring gaps which I might not be able defend/counter-argue, but here’s what little I understood.

Now, this is the flow of the theory

• What is it that disturbs peace and pure harmony? Things that make us sad (agitation, frustration, anger, fear, etc) and things that make us happy (sex, people getting attached to us, etc).
• Things that make us happy spoil our equilibrium because we are sad after they are over.
• Deeper thinking leads you to the conclusion that its not really the things that make you happy or sad that are the problem. Its your need to cling to the happy and be averse to sad that tips the balance. The point being if you did not crave for happy things to stay or be sad when they were gone or hate the bad things, you would still be at peace.
• So, let’s try to deal with the craving and aversion.

To do the needful, we need to understand how our mind and body work and what the connection between them is.
Body

• B. Body is matter.
• B1. It has been proven that all matter is a bunch of atoms that are created and die in a fraction of a second.
• B2. In that fraction of a second a sensation is created. Could be anything heat, cold, wetness, dryness or abstract anger, fear, glee, bliss.

M.Mind

• M1.An event occurs. The mind notices it through the five senses of the body. It heard a sound, it felt something in the mouth, something touched the skin, it saw the form of something, it smelt something.
• M2.The mind processes it using intellect and reviews it using experience.
• Oh, the sound is someone calling me “idiot” – bad. Oh, the sound is someone telling me “I look pretty today” – good.
• This is a cucumber gone bad – yuck! This is chocolate cake just like mom makes it – yumm!
• Ant bit me – ouch! My son hugged me – wow!
• that’s a bloody cockroach – y-i-k-e-s. A rainbow – how serene!
• public toilet – don’t breathe in. aroma of food when I’m hungry – nothing better!

Of course, each person has their own review, you might think of cockroaches as cute little brown things, I DO NOT!

• M3.A sensation is created that likes the good and dislikes the bad.
• M4.There is reaction created out of habit to crave for more of what we liked and being averse to what we didn’t like.

Vipashchana is a meditation technique that if you practice regularly, you will realize that the sensation mentioned din B2 is the same as that created in M3.

The 10-day teaches you to change that habit of the reaction. It involves observing your reactions and trying to change them. Note that at this point, you are not asked to evaluate things as good or bad but are asked to change your reactions. Obviously, you have to meditate regularly for the effect to last. And I think as you advance to higher levels, you will be asked to refrain from evaluating too, but not for now.

This technique is taught in mini-baby steps over the course of 10 days in this course. I’m not going to get into the details of “how to meditate” because it will sound really abstract and will serve no purpose. I cannot even attempt to narrate in words what I learnt in 80-90 hours of meditation.

All I can say, enter with lots and lots of patience and loads and loads of determination because the much talked about “scary” features are true One guideline that really helped me was given by Mr. Prakash Laddha (a trustee at the Igatpuri center), “Dear, just follow the instructions. The instructions and you, that’s it. If you focus on just these two things, you will have a good course”

• You are not supposed to talk from 8pm on the registration day (let’s call this day 0) to 10am, Day 10. No talking = no hand gestures, no eye contact. You can talk to your teacher if you have trouble with the technique and the admin if you have administrative problems.
• Breakfast is served at 6.30am, a full meal at 11am, and fruit, tea and murmura (rice flakes) at 5pm. No dinner. You can eat as much as you like during these hours, but it is recommended you don’t stuff yourself.
• 10.5 hours of meditation, interspersed with breaks for meals, shower, etc and 5-10 minute breaks in continuous hours of meditation.
• 1.5 hours of discourse each evening.
• Day starts at 4.30am and ends at 9pm. Which means you get up at 4am and sleep around 9.30-10pm.

Pretty intense, huh?

One thing that sure helped me was I was absolutely mentally prepared. While I don’t think any of the rules bothered me individually, by day 6 evening I was completely overwhelmed by all these things put together and felt scarily lonely. I recovered soon enough. But believe me, if you are doing the course with all sincerity, keeping quiet is the easiest rule of them all!!

I found the meditation extremely exhausting because it’s not a relaxation technique. It’s a technique that compels you to think about yourself and the rules of the program create an atmosphere conducive to making you do exactly that.

The two things that got me down during the course and have an effect even now are -

• Damn! If I want peace of mind, I’ve to let go of clinging or craving for more of what I like!
• It is such a long, long way ahead, if I’m going to continue using this technique to achieve “peace of mind”. I am just like a new-born baby who has let out the gasp for her first breath, just started the process of living. I’m convinced though that any other road is going to be as long. So, here’s to a hope that I’ll practice the technique regularly. So far so good, have been able to do it as required. One day at a time…

—

As the day of a 10-day ‘noble silence’ draws closer, I am beginning to realize how important it is for me to talk, to connect, to be with people. As far as I can tell till date, everything I’ve enjoyed doing has been memorable because of the people I met, the relationships I made. And this course completely takes that away from me.

It’s great that I’ve this opportunity to enter a world that is diagonally opposite of the environment I like being in. Yet, how much ever mentally prepared I am for the rigorous meditation, I’m getting anxious. I’m looking forward to the time on my own, but every time I hear a person say, “it will be a life-changing experience…at least temporarily”, I inch my way towards restlessness. Do I really want my life to change?

NOPE!

Do I want changes in myself? Yeah, of course! A few changes would do me good…

hmmm…too much anticipation…

I just want the course to start now…

How are they going to achieve it? By not allowing me, let alone to talk to anyone, but to even make eye contact with any one of the 700 odd participants! No music, no books, no outside food which obviously means no TV, no mobile, and no movies

Anyhow, I thought this would be a good time to make a list of the general philosophies of life that I try to live by. Taking stock, just in case I would like to do a ‘before and after’ analysis. So, let’s see…

• Live and let live – I have gradually grown to be a very liberal person. Anything goes as far as other people are concerned – be it a friend who wants to give up her flourishing career in corporate management to pursue her hobby in singing or people having extra-marital affairs. If that’s what makes you happy, so be it.
  Of course, the rules are different when it comes to me, depending on the value in question. Yet, I would say I’ve been absolutely successful in letting live when I’ve let my kids do it.
• Accept your emotions – Let them be. Don’t tinker with them, don’t try to change them and certainly don’t suppress them. Respect and acknowledge your fear, you affection, your attachment, your despise, your frustration, your irritation. Coming to terms with them is the best way to deal with them. This is the newest addition to the philosophies, so still working on it.
• Have zero expectations – this one is as easily said as it is difficult to do. But, I think, I’ve gradually reached a level where I’ve almost no expectations from my brother, sister, parents, and the best of friends. It’s a nice feeling when nothing they do or don’t do can hurt me. The best side-effect though is that the smallest gesture of love or care brings me pleasure beyond measure. Of course, I’ll be 100% successful when the rule applies 100% to hubby dear
• Talk it out – Whatever it is I feel towards a person, if the person is important enough, I’ve to let them know – be it something that has upset me, or something that I appreciate – I have to say it in words. Somehow, can’t rely on non-verbal communication to do the needful.
• Don’t get judgmental – I am annoyed when people are judging me, and so try my best to avoid judging other people. It helps me accept people in the proverbial as-they-are way. Of course, I don’t do this to the extent of being naïve and am not blind to how devious people can be. But I keep the negatives in a ‘beware’ compartment of the brain without letting it overwhelm the relationship.
  Only issue is I completely shut people off when they get judgmental about me. I just cannot care for these people. This is in contradiction with the ‘have zero expectations’ rule because I’m expecting people to be non-judgmental. This is a cause of concern only because these people are nice otherwise, so I might be losing out on good relationships. Hmmm…
• Down with stereotyping – classifying people into categories and sub-categories has always peeved me off – not only those based on nationality, community , religion, caste, color or class but also those based on organizations you belong to – school, university, workplace, self-improvement program you have faith in, etc. The only place where this completely falls apart is sports and more specifically cricket. The sense of belonging takes precedence over calling all Australian players shrewd and rude.

This is my list, might add more if I think of anything else. So, what are the rules you live by?

Religion, social norms, the basic need of a species to reproduce – none of these are in favor of alternate sexuality. Calling it “alternate” is alienating it in the first place, isn’t it?

A close friend, B’s sexual orientation has not at all been accepted. In every trip home he is asked to at least “try” to like a girl. This pressure brings with it a sense of alienation – from his own family. Why? Because he refuses to marry. Because he doesn’t want to make another human being miserable. He desperately wants a family, wants to have kids he can call his own. But, B refuses to fool a person into marriage.

It has to be innate conditioning that doesn’t allow his parents to accept that this is not a disease that needs curing. It has to be deep-seated cultural training over generations that B won’t allow himself a partner even though he stays in the west, where homosexuality is better-accepted.

Homosexuality is hardly a new concept. It must have always existed. Then why are we still finding it so difficult to accept? The one main reason religion, social norm are against it, has to be because it hinders the natural process of propagating the human race. The lack of awareness despite the long-standing existence seems to be a purposeful strategy of religion and social norms.

But better late than never. We are a well-informed generation. And if some of us are not, access to information is a few clicks away. Meanwhile, let’s do our bit to accept homosexuals as normal people (because they are, it’s a shame we are having to say it!) -

Let’s start by not pointing fingers at a man who has an effeminate behavior? Of course, not all homosexual men have effeminate behavior and certainly all men with effeminate behavior are not gay. And even if they are, so what?!

Let’s start by not giving our moviemakers the satisfaction of our snickers at their crude jokes on gays. WTF does, “main waisa nahi hoon” (I am not like that) mean?

Let’s start by accepting friends, relatives and soon enough … our children who might have sexual preferences different from ours.

Techonorati tags – blogathonindia, blogathonindia1

]]>