Unapologetic Me

January [blink] December

2016-12-28T16:14:00.000-08:00

I have no idea where the time goes. It feels quicker by the year. These days you blink and hello December. My life changed since my first angel was born, and few years later we have become a family of four. The professional career that I’m juggling, which I’m fortunate to have, makes it seems like I’m twilight zone – you feel like you’re just repeating the same thing and lost track of time. Between work, and homework, and baking cookies or other things I want to enjoy more with my tiny humans –I grow more gray hairs than ever. Becoming a parent is never been an auto-pilot. People say it is something that comes naturally when you have your own child. I disagree. People all around the world have become parents for children they never gave birth to. I believe parenting is a choice that we all make. Because calling someone “Mom”and “Dad” has to mean something.

And I – for one, quite underestimate the power of being a woman. My tiny humans have gone leaps and bounds to make sure they test my limits, and my hubby thinks I lost it all many times. But I gave them life. I was making humans, and that by itself makes me a superhero. But just any other human beings patience is low. So I’m running a marathon. I want to birth a purpose – build and sow seeds for my generations to reap and be grateful for – beyond just physical and materials, but a legacy and tradition that we all can pass on for many many years to come. Good parenting changes the world! Just saying.

I don’t know why I rant about parenting. I guess this whole 2016 that is all I’ve ever known. The world is brutal for what has unfolded. But all the choices we have is to move forward. To those humans who carry me in their hearts and prayers, you know who you are. Thank you for letting me to be truthful to myself, and faithful to my shortcomings.

All emotions. Mostly gratitude.

To A Hopeful 2015

2014-12-31T11:47:00.001-08:00

For many 2014 has been well celebrated. And for some they quickly wish 2014 to become memory. People lost their loved ones on plane crashed. Words and condolences will never seem enough. It is now we realize "Have a safe flight" means so much. We all go through stages of life, good and bad. After all, we’re just a tiny pawn in this big game of life chess.

Sun rises in east and sets in west and it will remain true forever. Everyday is a gift beyond compare. May we have a heart that is at new every morning. And eyes of a child that sees everything genuinely different. We love and know we may get broken, but we love anyway. LOVE unapologetically. LOVE freely. LOVE deeply. And LIVE mas.

We live under a wide open sky. Make time to dream – And pray from a place of wonder!
- Lisa Bevere

Cheers, to a hopeful 2015.

+Yuliana Jauwhannes +Wenny Tan +bebi si bebi +Merline Kris +Elty Pangjaya +Esther Leogenda

CTRL + Z

2014-06-14T21:51:00.000-07:00

Those who were born in 80’s are probably the last generation who had a chance to record songs of the radio on cassettes, walked around with Walkman, chatted on IRC, patiently waited for the incredible 56k modem to connect to Internet, and survived without cellphones and yet still kept in touch.

We see these evolved to mp3 on ipods, wireless headsets, to the ultimate cellphone which lets you chat from anywhere. The world seems small now. I have been living in my 2^nd floor for literally 2 weeks due to my caesarean delivery. I spent a whole lot of time entertaining my boredom and finally decided to try my pencil and notebook again. I am spoiled to having Backspace and CTRL+Z conveniently at the tip of my fingers and just pour your heart out and worry later about what you just said. The simple idea of knowing that you can undo, gives courage. But life does not offer this shortcut. Even those who plan exquisitely life throws things beyond what we can bargain for. We make wrong choices. We got broken. At some point pain seems like nostalgia. It doesn’t matter what we do or say because the matter fact life is still gonna hurt. So do one brave thing today, then run like hell. Things happen to us but some if not most of them happen for us. We live and love knowing we may get broken, but we love anyway. Love unapologetically.

Picture by Idealine

Thus It's December

2012-12-30T02:35:00.000-08:00

So when we look at how much we’ve spent for the last few weeks we know holiday is here. And I only made TWO postings in entire 2012?? Where have I been. Time flies too quick and I say this every single year.

One word for this year, contentment. Have you ever woke up in the morning and you just feel blissful? One asked me. I know I don’t really have lots of this moment this particular year. Between full-time job and and being a mom costs my sanity and sleeping-hours. They don’t even sound right together. Life after kids therefore. Even at times I wish some things could be different, but I don’t resent it. Not a single day of it. I never know a love like this until I have a child of my own. This is a love of growing up.

It’s a nature of being a human being to want what they don’t have. To think life somewhat could be better if it was done differently. If we could have known better how to choose. While grass on the other side always deemed to be greener trust me there’s always two sides of the coin. So we talk about contentment. And no matter how mature we are or at least we think we are, life as an adult is always a mystery. Choices we make now is like a hit or miss. And just like buying gadgets, we don’t look back. We get on and we can’t afford to second-guess if we’re wrong. It needs to be right even when it’s wrong.

I’m done with resolutions years ago. I ended up writing the same goals year after year and none of them were ever gotten done. Knowing what you can’t do is more complicated than truly knowing what you’re capable of. So I’m going back to the basic. Just live stronger and love deeper. Because everyday we all wake up just to find one or too many things don’t go the way we want them to be. And I don’t wanna go back and look and think I don’t fight enough. Because I do. When life can’t change, we can – Joyce Meyer.

All the good gifts come the above. Happy New Year and stay warm.
+bebi si bebi +Wenny Tan +Yuliana Jauwhannes +Elty Pangjaya +Merline Kris

Redemption

2012-08-11T02:06:00.000-07:00

In awe. I’m in a awe. People do what they do and when they put their heart into it, it makes wonders. I’m not a big fan of soccer but now I’m in love with the US Women’s National Team! I’m emotionally spent over the London Olympic. It’s a 90-minute game where we learn to complete each other and that...makes winning to be glorious.

I can’t stop hitting replay button on Alex “Baby Horse” Morgan brilliantly score with 30 seconds remaining in overtime and that advanced US to final to play Japan. They could have gone face-to-face with penalty kick but the game changed just with 30 seconds on the board. We lost to Japan last summer on World Cup final and grieving can be long and scarring. This got me. They got me. We all take time to grieve and some may not come back. Therefore the final, is a second chance. It is big.

And what I saw yesterday was epic. US scored 2-1 and took home the gold for the third time in Olympic game. I wouldn’t know how it felt to hear your national anthem being sung but for one it’s not about winning. Not even about payback to what we lost. It is a REDEMPTION. The pain has become their strength. The scar has become a reminder that we can be greater. So they have become resilient. Even when the team becomes erratic, they endure. And the patience to push and not fall behind makes them great.

Megan Rapinoe pulled out a birthday message for the teammate who did not make it to Olympic due to injury and showed it to camera after scoring; “Happy B-day Kreigy, we liebe you”. And Hope Solo made amazing saves during the final and she’s just as good as when she graced on Dancing With The Stars. More than just the dog pile and the knee-sled but what makes them different is the soul they show on each game they make. The story of each player has become the attraction.

I walk everyday in life and see people and they inspire me. Not to mention Kerri Walsh and Misty May who won their third gold medal for women beach volleyball. Because all this can’t be taught and bought, they need to dream. They breathe it everyday and they want the want enough.

This my friend, is awesome. I’m in awe. So looking forward for the next Olympic.

Back To January

2012-04-13T16:19:00.000-07:00

My god it’s April now. Where have I been? I know time flies but damn time passes by quick. I will just rant now just because being a mother and working at the same time is almost wrong. Therefore I will rant a lot. I know postpartum can be ugly and seems like it stays even after 3 months I went back to work. Makes me want to take permanent sabbatical.

So New Year is lovely. For the many past years I always feel new year is a mark of a big journey, that I should chop a tree or run a mile to celebrate.And I love to go back to that feeling of fresh start. But often it slips me off that it is everyday that I get to start new. Many times we focused so much on the spectaculars that we forget ordinary matters. Now that we have the little feet it is countless how many times I wash my hands, dust, mop, and everything else there is that I perhaps never pay so much attention before. So it changes us completely. It is new for me to become a parent and despite how many books I read or how many moms I talk to it never seems enough. And still mistakes were made. Big deal. Life is messy and we’ll clean up.

I used to fight hard to assure myself that I owe myself a life that I want it to be; to choose me. But this has changed. Being better is the hope. Everyday is not just getting by but how I live the life I want my daughter to have. We’re human of past products. Though we make mistakes but we’re never a mistake. Many of the yesterdays keep us sane and yet so many more of tomorrows that will make us stronger. We can’t forget but we can let go. Our lives are lived forward.

So today is a big deal.

Thank you 2011

2011-12-28T17:30:00.000-08:00

When you watch Ellen’s 12 Days Giveaways you know it’s Christmas and we’re coming to an end of another great year. And this is the time when we’re busy setting new goals for the new year. We start writing resolutions and perhaps ending up writing the same ones we did last year.

Here comes the expectations. We all have expectations. Then we learn the reality may cut us short. For the vow we took “for better and for worse”, we too change for better and for worse. Because it is the unexpected that changes our lives.

So this year I gave birth to Jillian Hope and life has been different since. 40-weeks is a long journey to wonder how she would look like, talking about anxiety. Of course we put the big hope that she would have the gorgeous Stana Katic’s cheek-bone (gorgeous gorgeous!). But we both are a complete Chinese-looking parents so let’s not dream too far, alright folks? When I learn that the little toes needs me so much, indeed it is me that needs her most. For the years that are yet to come for her, I need to believe that I am the girl I want her to be. Because the best legacy we can leave behind is our life; who we are as a parent and a person.

Thus amazing Pink sings it, “Bad decisions that’s alright, welcome to my silly life” (another great song). There will always be a fight, and we may win we may lose. The rise and fall is not about God being good to us because God is always good, timeslessly – but it is about who we are. Nothing just happens to us, they happen for us.

For all my loved ones, family and friends, thank you for staying with me through times. For celebrating me for who I am and never fall behind. That is more than enough for me. Finally, I can’t write better than this, truly inspiring.

Wish you all a wonderful holiday and beautiful year ahead. Don’t rest on the Heineken.

Hope Solo

2011-12-28T17:22:00.000-08:00

While it's common to see men to be so fluid on the dance floor, how is it that Hope Solo who is so strong and powerful on soccer field to be criticized for lacking of feminism? Talking about gender discrimination.

Prom Queen

2011-06-26T13:18:00.000-07:00

I finished writing this almost a month ago! And it left unposted since then. Talking about procrastination. I've been distracted in so many good ways. Now that the tiny human inside of me is growing bigger and bigger, I lost track of time easily.

Here we go - Prom night on Glee. As Quinn Fabray quoted it, you can get married as many times as you’d like but you can only go to prom once.

I had officially been a Gleek since Gwyneth Paltrow was casted as guest star in couple of episodes. And Glee was doing Prom Queen episode couple of weeks ago (lot of weeks ago) and which I applaud. I got soaked into a lot of Kurt and Mercedes moments. And when I think of high-school, Glee inserts a ton of moments that sends me back through times. I think this is amazing that finally these characters are able to tell my stories. This is a lot.

Back when I was a teenager we didn’t have prom for our Junior or Senior high-school. That was during the 90’s and I guess back in Asia we didn’t want to promote or perpetuate the idea of coupling at a young age. Well at least they think we’re too young. Not until a lot of us turned seventeen and started holding our own crazy parties. We would go either invited or uninvited, because we finally had something to be wild about. To talk and be nosy about. But it didn’t involved tuxedo or wrist corsage; as much as tuxedo is sexy and wrist corsage is classy but I find prom can be overbearing sometimes.

OK - Mercedes. I almost cry when Mercedes said she didn’t want to go to prom because no one asked her to go. And not that she wouldn’t survive without a man, but just for one night – she wished a guy could tell her she looked beautiful and asked her to dance. Just for one night.

I don’t know if I would have a date if prom was ever held during my high-school. I was too indifferent to really dwell in that thought. And when we’re young we found ourselves too immature to relate to people where looks were not the prominent factor. So unless you’re Quinn Fabray who looks lovely and stunning regardless what you put on, I can’t imagine what it takes to come prepared. And searching for approval can be an addiction when you were a premature adult. You need someone to validate your thoughts. Who says being a teenager is easy?

Then - Kurt Hummel. He stormed out when the school voted him as “Queen” of the year. It’s not about the tiara, it’s sold in Party City all over the cities. But no matter how gay or straight you are, the world can always pick on you regardless of who you are.

So world, you can be really mean sometimes. But what Glee does that is amazing is to allow us, at least people like me, to be able to turn on the TV and see my stories in there. And maybe for some people it helps them to know that we all feel what they feel; that we’re not alone.

And for what’s it worth, Kurt Hummel stood up for himself. He went back to the room and proudly took the stage and wore the tiara. That my friend, has made Glee to be adult lessons for many of us. While a lot of us choose to run away when things become iffy, Glee is a walking reminder that no one can’t touch us. That we’re enough as who we are.

“Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton.”
- Kurt Hummel

Heyday! Pictures

2011-06-23T22:32:00.000-07:00

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Time Makes Us Bolder

2011-04-02T15:05:00.000-07:00

Among all other of my favorites, Glee finally got me sold in particular when they cast Gwyneth Paltrow. It’s not only about the singing or the awesome arrangements, the show holds a greater platform more than just teens with beautiful voices. For some of us Glee might bring some reminiscences why we love high school so much. And to some of us, it might be a season that we wish we could fast-forward.

Being a teenager is hard just because you’re trying to be an adult and do everything in liberation and think it is alright. And while you’re doing that, the rest of the world think it isn’t ok because you’re still a kid. But even at its ugliest, what seems so great about adolescence is it is all about the lust for life. Times we had all the innocence to believe life needed a fight – a relentless one. We were not scared of making mistakes. We live life and we live it out loud. We indeed told ourselves broken hearts were silly, it’s childish and just sit back because life would come around.

Apart from the pain and beauty of going through adolescence, being an adult actually isn’t any much different. There’s no common cure for things we experience as a kid, or now as an adult. Bad days still hurt. Heartaches aren’t nostalgia and for some people they know they just don’t come around. As a kid we close our eyes wished bad things would go away, we still do the same now. After all we aren’t so different then and now. We’re still the same little girl, just older – and wiser.

People change through times, or time does change people – I don’t know.
But I do believe time will make us bolder.

Inspiring: Anna Torv

2011-03-17T22:22:00.000-07:00

I missed out a lot of Fringe episodes this year. First because the show got moved from Thursday night to a Friday night, the peak time when people are busy deciding what to wear to spend Friday night. So I’ve been catching up on Hulu.com because my other-half is a big fan of Anna Torv, among others.

I adore Anna Torv; for her simplicity and for making herself seems so easy to relate. She’s well poised and so grounded without the impression of being unfriendly. Unlike Olivia Dunham, her character in Fringe, is so uptight and very much guarded. But what I love most is her strengths and endurance without killing her vulnerability. That balance, it matters.

I like her even more when I happened to find her talking about herself on Esquire. Surprise surprise! Who would expect to see Anna Torv on Esquire. But even so there’s still something prudish about her that doesn’t make her look promiscuous. Thus the pictures - are the total bonus, I won’t deny it. It’s refreshing to see Anna Torv not in her Olivia’s Dunham FBI jacket and long coat. Being able to peak on her freckled back certainly makes my day.

Among the many things she said about herself –
"I don't want to be the "I'm fine, I can do it" type. I love to have the door opened for me." (Read more Here)

And honestly, this is one of the A-card most women throw in when we say “I’m fine” when we’re certainly not. Yes I know woman is a complex creature, we say things we don’t mean it. It sends people off, especially the ones we love, to an uncertain commotion if or not what they do is going to make us feel better, or worse perhaps. And I think that’s very manipulating. But given the fact that we carry a life inside us for 40 weeks and deliver he/she through a very tiny part of our bodies – maybe this is why, men of the world, you don’t get to vote!

In many stereotypes women seem to be an easy target; for being a reckless driver, clueless and not being able to read maps or directions, clumsy and unaware. I won’t deny it, I do happen to know people who are this clueless. I know someone who would drag a construction cone in her rear bumper while backing up, and not knowing! So character like Olivia Dunham is enviable, for allowing me to believe that timid traits of women have are wrong.

Being better is a lifetime journey after all. I don’t lead with what people can see me as, or beauty – far from it. And I don’t subscribe to a lifestyle where the world can target me. I’m so many things and imperfection is part of me, as much as it is to others. So if we could see people, really see them, for who they are, in secondary rather to what they do – that’s what we need.

Rizzoli & Isles

2011-02-01T16:02:00.000-08:00

I have a crazy kinda obsession over Rizzoli and Isles. Season one ended last year and I only started watching when it hit the last half of the season. Kinda late for the game. And I got hooked! I’m really really (read: REALLY!) in love with this TV series. First, because I think Jane Rizzoli is fully amazing and second, because Maura Isles is beautifully stunning though she has scary passion about science and dead people. It is a crime show with lots of clues to be put together and some gory scenes (Fringe can lead the pack however). But it’s not about the gun, not about dead bodies, and not even about Jane’s perfect abs!

But what fascinates me the most is the chemistry that Jane Rizzoli and Maura Isles is portraying. it's refreshing and it's fun. I heart their conversations because they’re simply believable. There’s nothing too complicated about the show, other than Maura’s wth-is-that-terminology. I love how they care and be there for each other. It’s so warm and light without really trying so hard. They make things look so easy. First and foremost, there’s something so pure about their platonic friendship. The hugging, the eye contacts, the touching. And the sleepover? C’mon you gotta be kidding me! Insane! Insane chemistry. Me? Jealous much!

A lot of people don’t believe in platonic relationship regardless the gender orientation, not that it matters. Maybe because people don’t believe that human’s heart can be that good and true. But I am a true believer of platonic relationship. I believe in meaningful relationship. Just like Maura Isles, I’m scared of people, especially live ones, as she quotes it. Getting to know someone takes courage and loyalty is scarce. I get it. We're putting ourselves out there for heart breaks and disappointments. Either we make it or break it.

But being known and understood, on its own, is a comforting feeling. It’s like a blanket that keeps you warm. And just maybe, we get lucky, we find someone who is truly there for you; who understands your past and believe in your future. The things people do for love, they blow you away. Nothing mystical about it.

The Game Plan

2011-01-12T23:14:00.000-08:00

Here we go again. Starting another year. And that means some people have been busy putting together their game plans to anticipate the new year. I bet 90% (ok fine 75% maybe) of the world population was enthusiastically writing down their resolutions uncontrollably. They probably don't even remember what they wrote the year before. By the time this year ends they don't realize they have the same resolutions as last year's, which might be "Lose weight" or "Exercise more". And both will show up again next year because no matter how many times you write them they will keep coming back.

No offense to those who does it every year. I'm so glad that you do and so consistent about it. Just that some of us hopes higher than that they work on, and I'm not immune from it. I used to do it every year back in the years and I failed to keep them straight for 12 months. Every time I make resolution it's like setting myself up for failure. Maybe I just jinx it by writing it down.

So no, I have not been making any since the last few years. I just want to walk a simple life and live in its expandable contents. There is beauty in simplicity. When it's less it's probably when we realize what’s more meaningful. I looked back and I realized 2010 was heck of a quick ride. Thus I need to grow a little wiser this year. Back in college someone told me, great effort doesn’t mean great result – so pick your battles. Learn from the mistake of others because surely I don't have that much time to make them all.

So I'm growing up. For once I'm accepting change without trying that hard to fight it. Change can be good.

I bought a pair of Crocs on Christmas.
C'mon those who know me that well please say, "You bought what?!".

Cheers to 2011

2010-12-30T21:33:00.000-08:00

It's my bad, my bad – was so very occupied before and after Christmas. I will make it up next year. I will try harder, I promise. But better late than never – I just want to wish everyone a wonderful Merry Christmas (belated) and Happy New Year. Let's get fat and be merry. Which ever denominations you may or may not be, I hope you get a break from the ordinary. Nothing fancy but we got dancey – like how Pink describes it.

We have been abducted by series of busyness ever since the year started. The house hunting and now the home improvement. And soon we need to start buying furniture. In addition to that we have more house chores more than ever. I don't know how my mom did it, she had me and brother running around all day and she still managed to keep it all together. She is definitely something.

Having said that, hopefully I'm forgiven for not being quite there for the people who love me. Know that I say "people who love me" – because no matter how life becomes too much or we become older, they never fall behind. And I’m in awe and grateful for all the love available for me. It's definitely a very humbling experience.

A lot of things could have gone so wrong, but they didn't. One of too many things seems to be unattainable, but we got there somehow. Hope builds endurance. We become more resilient. I, for one believe things don't just happen to me, it happens for me. So don't arrive at the sum of your injuries, but count the blessings. Believe in something and have days to look forward to. Be happy to what is ahead and don't be sad for what lies behind. Life happens at the unexpected, and remember the unexpected is what changes our lives.

It's hard to grow. It's harder not to.
– Chely Wright

Let's put on the cone hat, and blow the trumpet. Finally, raise your glass if you're wrong in all the right ways (this is why we love you, Pink!).

Happy New Year!

Black Friday

2010-11-26T23:55:00.000-08:00

Here we are again – Thanksgiving Holiday! I was at Big Bear last year and fell absolutely sick. I spent 2 nights taking Theraflu and felt awful. This year turns out to be eventful however. Due to our decision to flush down our savings to a down-payment for our house, we need to look for good deals for our home improvements-related projects. What can be less perfect than snatching deals from Black Friday – right? Our last Black Friday was back in 2006 and a long hiatus since then. We get a little rusty therefore. We didn't plan the attack or really looked into the ads thoroughly because both of us have been backed up at the office.

We checked out the Lowe's plaza where we would be lining up at around 11.30PM, and we passed by Toy R Us and Babies R Us. I had to pick up my jaw from the floor! What’s going on in here? The line was crazy long and people already had carts with them while lining up. The stores opened at 10PM later I found out. So a lot of anxious mommies here and plus in the cold weather, let’s not mess up with them. (my cellphone camera really sucks at low-light)

So Thursday night before we went to bed, we made sure what we wanted to buy – well the wants and the needs can be completely different, "the nice to have" and "the need to have". We woke up at 3.45AM and lined up at Lowe's. It was 32ºF, people! That means 0ºC. Bloody cold! I didn't know how I survived the bitter-cold back in Midwest back in college. The ads said that the store would open at 6AM, so we anticipated a long line so we showed up 2 hours early. Turned out they let us in at 5AM! We were the first ten people who went in. So it was good, not as uncivilized as when you step in to any Best Buy.

An hour later we checked out and went to Home Depot. Ads for Home Depot was not released online or anywhere. For this reason we we didn't plan to shop here. But since we're done with Lowe's why not dropped by. And guess what – apparently deals were better at Home Depot! We looked at the ads and we went "OMG!". Another hour later we carted the same stuff we bought at Lowe's. That means tomorrow we need to return whatever we bought at Lowe's earlier.

So mission accomplished! We got all the essential items we needed. No hustling or preying on items like we did on Electronics in the past years. Then here comes the good part. We off went to Big Lots to pick up a BBQ Grill priced at $135 (reg. was $179). Worse part was the box wouldn't fit into our Accord sedan. We tried all angle back and front still no luck. We decided to tore up the box and put the pieces into the trunk, LOL! The grill was heavy as a cow! One more surprise, when we unloaded it at home we found out there's a missing knob on the grill! So we got into a what-the-heck panic mode. Because we didn't want to put all the pieces back into the car, drive back to the store, pack back into the box, and return. My hubbie was already so eager to put them back to the car and I was "Are you serious?!". So we searched in and out all the accessories boxes and finally found it. Fiuhh! That was a really bad packaging. Why would you stick all the knobs in the grill but not the last one?! Mother earth must be playing tricks on us.

Take a look at our final items we’re keeping.

1. 2 x storage box with lid - $5.48 (buy 1 get 1 FREE)
2. Wet/Dry Vacumm - $28.88 (reg. $99)
3. Prelit 6ft Christmas Tree - $30 (reg. $60 )
4. Chain-drive garage door opener - $98 (reg. $138)
5. Black & Decker 129-pc Drill bits - $14.97 (reg. $29.97)
6. 30pc Duracell AA Battery - $5
7. 70-pieces Christmas ornaments - $9.98
8. Door garland - $7
9. 2 x 50-pc LED Christmas tree lights - $1.98/ea
10. 4-shelves steel rack - $29.98 (reg. $50)
11. 4-burner BBQ Grill - $135 (reg. $179)

We went back to sleep when we got home. It was a good day. Very eventful indeed. How can not be? It's Thanksgiving! We wanted to have people over and have dinner, eat turkey and be merry. But we still don't have furniture yet. We thought it would be rude to let them sit on the floor surrounded by stuff, don't you think so? But we're so very thankful for this year, a quick one but sweet. We do hope to see and feel what we expect to see and feel. But they all turned out to be the unexpected. And the unexpected is what changes our lives.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Our Residence

2010-10-13T00:22:00.000-07:00

Wheww! This is way long overdue. Remember I said we bought a house? So yea, not only our savings have been severely decreasing it also has fully consumed our personal time. The joy of being a homeowner (*cough* sarcasm)!

The house seems to be a never-ending project. It took the entire September to revamp the house. First to go was the paints! Ugh I loathed the 'kindergarten' unmatching colors when we first bought the house. What you don't see in the pictures is all rooms were not in the uniform color. We had shocking ORANGE on one of the bedrooms, then dark brown/cappuccino on the other one, and yellow on the bedroom downstairs! Oh one more, we had bright blue on the bathroom and green/lavender on the other one. My eyes hurt everytime I stared at those colors. So we prayed away the bad colors. See how it all changed when we put the neutral color back? I didn't know yellow tone creates the happy mood - at least now I know we were sober when we picked up the colors. Good job, Meih!

We also removed the carpet and replaced it with wood laminates. We had this Chinese people who did our wood flooring and they can't speak English, AT ALL! So my hubbie pulled out his tarzan language and crappy mandarin. Hey you got what you paid for - right? But it was quite a good work, we're pretty satisfied. And we went bold with black kitchen countertop for a good contrast. Therefore better clean up thoroughly tho since else bugs or dirts are obliviously to the eyes. We wanted to have an island or a breakfast bar, but obviously we need a bigger kitchen. Or actually what we need is more Benjamins!

Before

After

We moved in last week. And still cleaning up to this moment I'm writing this. Stuff are all over at the ungodly places because we haven't really bought furnitures or arranged our garage even. Kitchen was useless the first week we lived here because we didn't have faucet and was having problem hooking up the plumbing. Yes we're Asians, we're cheapo! Everything has to be a DIY.

Yesterday we sprayed our garage with water to wash out all the dirts. Leave it another couple of weeks I could have enough spiderwebs to turn my garage into a haunted house for Halloween!

As for the backyard, I will leave it as is until I have the courage to touch it. But I can't be less assured that I won't be planting or gardening. Not before and not anytime now or anytime in the future!

I have been reminding myself to keep our stuff slim, meaning let's avoid being pack-rats! But for some reasons we do have TONS of sh-t everywhere! Sometimes I can't find my own hubbie at home! "Honey! Honey? Are you trapped under a heavy object?". And my sister has not been at home because she might think she would live with stuff like this forever! Like those hoarders they show on TV, you know?

So we do have endless to-do-list for many days and weeks ahead. But at least we're paying something that is actually ours, not someone else's mortgage. The house may not be perfect, and some things can't come close to our expectations, but it's ours. A lot of love in here.

Web Exclusive: Interview with Jill Goldstein and Nikki Weiss from Showtime series “The Real L Word”

2010-10-01T16:00:00.000-07:00

This past summer "L Word" co-creator Illene Chalken’s spinoff series "The Real L Word" premiered on Showtime. The show features the day-to-day lives of six openly lesbian women from Los Angeles, California.

Engaged co-stars Jill Sloane Goldstein and Nikki Weiss made time for an exclusive interview with the Mount Holyoke News before the DVD release of season one on October 19th.

What was it like being on camera all the time?
And for how long did the filming go on?
NIKKI: We shot from January through the beginning of May. The production crew was so respectful of our time and space. Most of the time, we actually forgot that the cameras were around us, as they kept a healthy distance and became ﬂies on the wall in our life.

JILL: I agree, the filming was not intrusive. Once we got over the initial ‘newness’ of being on camera, it was very easy to forget they were around. The camera operators somehow always found the corners in a room or faded into the backdrop. We never watched them watching us; instead we simply went about our days in a normal fashion and they observed from a distance.

What are your thoughts on the concept of "u-hauling" within the lesbian community? Does this apply to your relationship?
NIKKI: That term makes me laugh. Most women are very nurturing and have an innate feeling that they need to move in with one another within the ﬁrst month of dating! We actually dated long distance from San Fran to LA and traveled back and forth weekly to see one another. American Airlines knew us by ﬁrst name! U-Hauling became more like Louis Vuitton luggage hauling for seven months. And then we took the big step of moving in with one another. Guilty as charged! ;)

You both have spoken at length about the fluidity of sexuality. What advice would you give to young women attempting to define their own sexuality and gender expression?
JILL: I would encourage all young women to allow themselves the freedom to explore their sexuality, without fear of stereotypes, definitions and labels. Sexuality is such a tremendously complex concept. To me it feels very narrow minded to try and package attractions, emotions and experiences neatly into a box. Too many factors are at play when individuals feel for one another, and moreover those feelings can easily change over time as we grow. The concept of fluidity affords a flexibility to our attractions, understanding that they can change based on an array of situations. I hope that young woman can avoid the societal pressures of having to 'declare' a sexual identity (if one doesn't perfectly fit) and instead, simply experience happiness and love where, when and how they find it.

Read more.

My opinion: These ladies should have bigger platform. Kudos!

Little Things

2010-09-02T23:17:00.000-07:00

It's been quick this year. I had been looking forward for summer since April, and now it's the end of it. Sigh summer why don't you stay longer? I didn't get enough tan this year.

Hmm - where to begin. I have quite memorable moments this year. And it's only September! Couple of months ago we got two visits from our dear friends from Indonesia. Great times! For a lot of you who don't follow my blog religiously (it's not too late to start, lol!) might not realize I was not born in Unites States. I came to Unites States to pursue the Bachelor degree at Indiana University, Bloomington. Yea I know why Bloomington – right? But I had my good days there. Go Hoosiers! Also met my talented and cute hubbie there! He sometimes likes to throw in dry jokes, and the only thing I like it dry is MARTINI! Go figure! But did I mention he's "cute"?

I then moved to LA after graduation and been trapped here ever since. So the idea of socializing has somewhat shrunk, A LOT! The job ate my life! And the older you get the less lovely people you're able to engage with, compatibly. So the visits from dear friends? Was awesome. Made my year definitely.

Oh, I also let myself to be emotionally attached to this reality show, The Real L Word. I fell in love with the show since the first episode it aired. The show was telling the stories of six lesbian women living their lives. I’m glad they shared their life with us! It was beautiful and charming all episodes. The spectrum was truly adequate to, in much hope, speak to the insinuations that the public might have found to be bothering towards gay people. They inspire me more than normal couples ever did. Really amazing stories and I'm thrown by the honest expressions coming out from each of the casts. Hope they come out with Season 2, and I for one, can't wait!

So Nikki & Jill – if you ever come across this blog, I do wish you a WONDERFUL WONDERFUL wedding! I hope you put "Nikki & Jill since 1984..." somewhere in your invitation or thank you letter. I love that line! I’m deeply touched by the both of you! I understand ZERO about football, so Nikki, I understand your misery.

OK next.

WE BOUGHT OURSELVES A HOUSE! Yes, no kidding. It has been a roller-coaster eight months of house hunting process. It could have been worse but we're just glad it's over. Some people take up to a year and they still go no where. I kept chanting this to my hubbie "No sorrow added to it, no stress please!" – because I did want to believe things shouldn't be dreadful or stressful even. And most people say your first home should be exciting - they LIED! But we got through all the processes however, and we really want to believe it has made us into better people. I hope!
So yes – the house is done. We're good! Checked! Let's move on.

Last thing.

I will be 30 this coming weekend. Wheew crazy I know. But age is just a number. I'm not thrilled about birthday, don't hate it but don't celebrate it. I don't like birthday because all its craziness and the obligations of others to feel like "I need to do something for her". And for some reasons people will come up with random questions about birthday, age, and KIDS! Dear God. Let’s just sit this one out please! So I hope, I hope...to have a laid-back birthday this year, crossing my fingers. I have the booze, people! Just bring the love.

(@wenny_tan, @bebisibebi, @yuli_jauw, @vtrisno - Get into an airplane and come drink with me, bitches!)

Whoa I think I just post quite a long note. But I just feel the need to blurt out the sum of my grieving of wanting to have more summer. A lot of times it is the little thing that makes life great. They often go unnoticed but it makes a worth-while wonderful year when you look back. When I think things can't go this well but it has been so far. And I am caught off guard.

The End of Ze World

2010-08-22T21:23:00.000-07:00

Over and over again, it's still brilliantly funny!
"But I'm Le tired" - LMFAO!

Like Me

2010-07-07T00:41:00.000-07:00

There are people in our lives who were designed to be our thorns. Hate them yet they won't go away no matter how ridiculously we try to push them away. Do you know what I wish everyday I wake up? I wish I could get a different boss! Anytime during the day without her is a yey. But guess what? She's always there, and she doesn't get sick too often! Top it all, she doesn't even take vacation that much. Great!

So yes, there are some people in this world who can be completely intolerable and quite amazingly annoying over things when only you be God can do anything about it. Then the equation is getting more complex when a lot of us are trying to change others. And in the contrast of values, we are in the pursuit of manipulating the circumstances in trade for the fulfillment of our self-centered. There's a reason why we are in awe, good or bad, of the choices others make. Sometimes we nod and smile, because we once might be in their shoes. And some other time we would squint our eyes and shake our heads because how preposterous their choices are, we think.

Maybe I just don't understand their pains so I don't understand their decisions. And I may not have memories of them so I don't have a clue why they do what they do. Some things I just can never put my finger on. At the end of the day everyone of us is just a selfish individual who is trying to live life the way we want it to be.

But I'm here. And I'm willing to share my personal space with you. I want to sit down with you. And I will sincerely try my best to see you. I don't need you to agree with me, but I'm willing to agree to disagree for you. I will not try to alter you in any way or yet who am I to judge. I believe only God who can change people and I'm way too far from being that powerful. I'm just someone who is like you, who wishes to be understood and accepted. And I might have tried too hard one time too many. I have been searching for someone who is like me. And no, I haven't found anyone. But yet there is this infinite love that is available for me. And by all measures I am lucky enough to be loved by people regardless who I am and what I do.

Opening up is not a glorious act after all. It makes me vulnerable but it's a good thing. And for everything that you've been through, don't let anything brings the worse out of you. Let them bring the best out of you. So I'm here. I might not always have what you need, but I'm here. I will not try to win you and be your hero. But I will sit down with you. You're not alone.

If Tomorrow Never Comes

2010-04-29T13:39:00.000-07:00

A couple of hundred years ago,
Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success.
"Never leave that till tomorrow," he said, "Which you can do today."
This is the man who discovered electricity. You’d think more of us would listen to what he had to say.

I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure. Fear of pain. Fear of rejection. Sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you make a mistake you can't undo? Whatever it is we're afraid of, one thing holds true; that by the time the pain of not doing the thing gets worse than the fear of doing it, it can feel like we're carrying around a giant tumor. And you thought I was speaking metaphorically.

The early bird catches the worm; a stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we haven't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to 'seize the day'.

Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves like Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake...beats the hell out of never trying.

- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy
[Season 1, Episode 6]

Living The Choice

2010-03-30T00:00:00.000-07:00

Have you ever met someone who thinks she knows you better than you know yourself? Have you ever met someone who keeps saying "But I know you!" no matter how hard you try to convince them "No you freakin' don't!" ? Or some of them will make comments "But you change so much!". They're exhausting, are they not? Frustrating.

One day I had this girl who wouldn't stop saying "But I don't understand why she changed so much". And the next 5 minute came another "But I don't get it, I know her!". (Oh god please stop!). I don't like surprises, not a big fan of it. I guess the idea of facing the unknowns are making me insecure. But there are gazillions of things out there that we don't get a heads-up for. One's life is a mystery, so my best friend said.

I guess the irritating part is the fact that some people can't accept that things have changed. People change. Or maybe time changes people. Some things may be incredibly different. It's here today and gone tomorrow. I have watched how people can turn into a stranger to me while I am still calling them by name and not by "Hey there". Or how a never-talk-to-you-since-college friend suddenly becomes your trusted sidekick. As much as we all hate change; change can be good. It really can.

We all move on. We choose how we want to live our lives. We make our own choices though it may not to the best of the world's interest (that's why they're called MY choices). This is a big world; there are plenty of excuses to disagree at people. And this is a bid world too...to allow others to have their own space. We can be a total jerk or we can be a friend. That's the choice right there.

So here we are living our own choices. I wish you all the big things in life. Cherish the morning you always love and go after the happiness you define. And when you make messes and when things go so wrong, I will be here. I will not do the "I told you so" (I promise). Because we are not immune to being foolish or just as simple as having a bad day. We will make messes and I hope we will be lucky to have someone to fall back to.

Jakarta...I'm In Love

2010-03-04T11:24:00.000-08:00

Orang2 selalu tanya tiap kita pulang Indo, "Tumben pulang?" ato "Dalam rangka apa ni pulang?"
Kita emang selalu sempetin pulang setiap taon dan merelakan diri stuck di 20-jem penerbangan lewatin 1/2 bola dunia. Ortu kita masi di Jakata dan tiap taon kita berkomitmen untuk sempetin pulang dan sediain waktu buat mereka. Mungkin satu hari kita bisa pulang indo dan menetap di Indo (really hope so).

Gua beneran merasa beruntung selama 2 minggu kita tu ga mencret mencret ato bahkan (amit amit) kena food poisoning. Melihat makanan yang uda masuk ke perut kita itu lumayan ga karuan. Apalagi makanan yang amigos (agak minggir got sedikit) dan higienis nya 1001% ga ditanggung ramah di segala cuaca! Di sisi laen kita juga kalap dan khilap mengingat bates waktu yang cuma 2 minggu, jadi sedikit (banyak si sebenernya) chaotic dengan list makanan yang perlu dikejar.

Yang cukup memorable waktu kita makan Sop Konro Karebosi di Kelapa Gading. Kita pegi siang bolong yang lagi teriiik banget nget, walopun uda diwanti wanti enakan makan konro itu malem, kita masi nekad makan siang. Itu resto sedikit gelap dan gua sempet mikir ini mati lampu kah?! Dan bused tingkat ke-pengap-an nya itu resto bisa bikin esmosi jiwa. Untung nya makanan dateng cukup kilat jadi kita ga sempet berasa bete di tengah penerangan yang ada dan tiada plus kondisi seperti di sauna. Sembari makan gua sibuk ngelap cucuran keringet, bukan karena kepedesan tapi gara gara ventilasi udara yang pas-pas an. Yakin banget kalo cardio aja ga sehebat gini keringetan nya, tambah kacamata gua yang suka turun karena muka itu uda licin. Konsumsi tissue hari itu cukup di luar normal. Tapi gimanapun Sop Konro ini wajib coba dalam hukum wisata kuliner. Highly recommended.

Yang satunya lagi waktu gua makan di Ropita ama temen baek gua. Ini tempat emang jadi tempat nostalgia kita sejak SMA. Walopun ini tu tendaan gitu dan pastinya kita makan sembari sibuk ngusirin nyamuk, tapi tetep aja asik banget buat ngegosip dan ajang curhat colongan. Malem itu kita cuma makan es teler ama es alpokat, emang kita sampe uda telat, sekitar jem 11an malem. Ga lama abis orderan kita dateng, si abang dengan sigap nya mulai beberes itu gerobak dan tetek bengek laen nya. Karena ada tamu laen nya yang masi makan juga kita juga ikutan ga peduli. Jadi kita ngobrol ditemenin ama suara gubrak gubruk si abang yg lagi lipet2 perabot dia. Sampe yang kesisa itu cuma meja kita dan meja satunya. Aneh ga si rasanya? Sampe kita jadi tamu terakir di tenda itu dan meja kita doang yang kesisa! Berasa sedikit risih dan bete sejujurnya akirnya kita minta bon dan bayar. Waktu kita berdiri langsung JEBRETTT! Lampu langsung dimatiin! Ini pertama kali gua makan sembari liat si abang beberes dan segitu niat nya dia matiin lampu. Si abang mungkin uda ditungguin sang pacar buat bermalem minggu.

Dan ini terakir yang penting banget dibahas adalah traffic kota Jakarta! Bisa dipastiin ga ada negara laen nya yang bisa nyaingin parah dan chaotic nya Jakarta. Kalo bisa nyetir dan survive di Jakarta, dijamin anda pasti bisa nyetir dimana aja. Jem terlancar buat berkendaraan itu diatas jem 9 malem rasanya. Selaen itu kita harus beneran dengan semutem-mutem nya (muka tembok) selip kiri kanan sembari dikerubunin ama PULUHAN motor yang MAKSA (catet: maksa banget!) nyelip2 di antara mobil2 yang berenti. Belon lagi knalpot nya yang suka nyenggol2 mobil kita. Lampu belon ijo aja itu motor2 uda ga sabar mao nerobos. Dan kalo tau2 ujan ini uda kaya hell on earth. Karena motor2 bakalan berenti di underpass dengan santai nya karena mereka ga siap siaga bawa payung dan mereka ga peduli kalo mereka tu jadi sumber kemacetan dadakan! Ada satu malem gua ngeliat, di tengah keadaan yang uda macet surecet cet, mobil uda ampir ga bisa begerak..tiba2 ada 2 motor yang dateng lawan arah dan nerobos itu kerumunan macet!! Haloo?! Jadi inti nya pemaksaan di Jakarta itu adalah sebuah globalisasi. Welcome to Jakarta, pren.

Tapii...tapiii...
Mao 1000 kali denger yang jelek dari Indonesia, tetep ada 1000 hal laen nya yg bisa dibanggain dan bikin gua nyaman banget ada di kota sendiri. Makanan nya walopun bisa bikin sakit perut tapi tetep ga ada duanya. Dan keluarga yang think very HIGHLY of you ini beneran bikin gua ga pengen ninggalin Jakarta. Dan tentunya temen2 baek gua dimana gua bisa punya convo yang menyenangkan dan idup banget. Juga kesempatan gua ketemu temen temen lama yang di luar jangkau pikir gua itu berasa dynamic banget. Karena menurut gua the older we get, the harder for us to have fun, and to actually make new friends and turn them into bestfriends. Tuntutan idup bisa banget jadi erosi untuk kehidupan sosial kita dan jujur ga gampang dapetin temen yang bisa ngerti lu dan terima lu utuh untuk SEMUA keberadaan lu, ga cuma pas seneng dan ga cuma terima bagus2 nya kita. Tapi waktu kita susah, waktu kita ga bisa sempetin waktu, mareka masi tetep ga berubah untuk kita. Langka banget hal kaya gini sekarang. Ternyata yang indah indah itu butuh perjuangan.

Twenty-hours flight one-way WORTHS the trip. Hell worth it.
Wouldn't miss it for the world.

PS. 2 minggu gua nyetir tanpa SIM dan KTP. Don't try this at home.

Little Girl In A Big World

2010-03-04T00:23:00.000-08:00

I was not raised to be a brave girl. I was timid, and I was shy. I hid behind my mom when she hung out with her regular friends after picking me up from my kindergarten. I was not out-spoken and not used to the spotlights. I still dislike it until now. I feel better to fit in a smaller box.

I go to work everyday to face people who think highly about themselves and less do they know how little we think of them. And I have to learn and accept that they rise more in power and it's very demeaning that sometimes I have to actually breathe in and listen to their summons. Or people on the street who think you can't drive, and honking, and showing off expressions that I think is only necessary when someone burns down your house.

So I wish to go home from work to find people who will not make me feel like I'm still at work. I really wish I could have a little freedom to be the person I believe myself to be. Someone asked me before, if I'd rather be loved for who I'm not or hated for who I am. See, this is a pathetic world. All the good things in the world we can't have it all. The choices are odd.

I choose to be who I am. And if I'm lucky I will be loved. I choose to be with people who enjoy me for who I am. Who find me magical and inspiring. Who don't fall behind even when things get too much. People who think SO BIG of me. So I can't be that person who makes someone the priority while they think of me as the alternatives (Thanks, Nda!).

I know I'm not that courageous. Or even bold. But I'm a good person.
And I think I deserve a lot better things. So I will not bend.
Those who matters don't mind and those who minds don't matter.